Tag Archives: random thoughts

Day Off Ramble

What came first, the stomach or the mouth?

Without the stomach, we wouldn’t need a mouth and without a mouth, there wouldn’t be need for a stomach.

Thinking about this makes me want to nap.

It’s my day off and I was going to go hiking, run some errands, install a shelf, call a friend, and sit at the coffee house to blog but instead, I’m laying in bed.  The worlds number one most laziest girl.

I’m on a tight budget for the next few weeks, or month.  It’s July 18th and I have $3,800 in the bank.  $2000 of it goes towards paying my workers, $1675 for rent, Geico, verizon, and Amazon credit card are all still due ($400 roughly) and that leaves me with negative $275.  I can easily make $275, but my property taxes are also due ($300), so I need to make at least $575 by the end of the month.

It’s totally doable, no question about it.  It’s just that I hate this.  My quarterly taxes were due this month, last month my employee’s got paid three times instead of two, and all my groupon money went towards paying off my debt.

I mean, the business is doing fine, really.  If I didn’t have debt, I’d have $17,000 more in the bank than I do right now, possibly more.  But I couldn’t pay off any chunks of it last month or this month, it’s at a standstill yet again.

But I have plans, as always.  Plans that don’t require a gamble like pricey marketing scams or adding facials to the menu.  I lost a lot of money through gambles.  No, just simple marketing by handing out coupons to new clients.

I’m starting a new type of membership program, one where clients don’t have to get charged every month.  As long as they come in once a month, they can get the membership rate.

Our members don’t come in every month, so there’s a mass ton of massages we have to give and the money I received from these massages is long spent.  Adding more members is not the solution for this business, but clients who pay at the time of their visit is.

I like the coupon idea.  It’ll actually save us money and hassle in the long run.  There are equal pro’s and con’s to each membership program and I’m putting the choice in the clients hands on what to do.

Vista Print will ship the coupons out in a week or so and when I get them, I’m going to sell a few groupons to get new clients in here to see how well this idea works.

Anyway, my Alaskan trip was great.  My host, the guy who paid for half my ticket, I didn’t know him all that well before the trip but he really opened up this time.  Spending a week with anybody can do this.  He relaxed and felt comfortable and talked to me like one of his good buddies.  That’s exactly how I want everyone to talk to me.  It’s about truth and honesty.

Guys are definitely easier to get along with than girls.  Girls don’t relax like guys do, or let down their guards.  We evolved into being manipulative due to our lack of strength and dependance.


I read an article about how to increase grey matter in the brain and it said to play an instrument, play video games (um, yes!), learn a new language, play chess….etc.

I downloaded an app for chess and learned how to play.

I thought chess was only for intelligent people but it turns out to be just like any other game I played.  I thought it would be too difficult to be addicting but no, it’s not difficult and it IS very addicting.  It’s no different than playing spider solitaire which I had a HUGE addiction to and had to delete the game.

I’ve been playing every chance I get.  In-between clients, while watching tv.  On my phone or on my laptop.

That’s what I’ve been doing instead of blogging.  Playing chess.

But I can actually feel a difference in my brain.  It’s becoming more calculating.

Most of what we do is automaton.  Our brains are involuntarily digesting food, pumping oxygen to our toes, hearing and viewing the outside world.  Allowing habits to form so they too can become involuntary.

I believe the only time we actually use our heads is when we’re actively learning.  Problem solving is a form of learning.  Communicating is not always a form of learning and can also become habitual.  We don’t really listen to each other because we assume we already know what the other is saying.  And like with any habit (tough to break), can be nearly impossible getting through to some people.

Our brains are turned off for most of the day.  That’s pretty crazy, right?

But since I started playing chess, it’s like a juggernaut.  I want more.  Like why does an explosion happen when you split the nucleus of an atom?  Why isn’t there any radiation in Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

(I’m reading a WWII novel)


“Learning” can also become habitual.  When you don’t really understand an answer, you give up on it.  It’s too much trouble.  In essence, you teach yourself how to not learn anything and by doing this, blocks form in your head.

Some people can’t understand the simplest of concepts due to these blocks.

Stupidity can only be taught by the person doing the teaching, and we can only teach ourselves.  Real teachers are only guides, we ultimately teach ourselves.  There should be a class on how to learn.


Why I think angry people are stupid people…

I got angry the other day at a client scamming our business.

I never get angry, so when it happened, I jumped at the opportunity to analyze it.

I felt threatened.  That’s all it came down to.

Anger, broken down to it’s simplest form, is about feeling threatened.  A feeling that you can’t beat the other person.  You can’t win at their game.  Sometimes the opponent is yourself (not being good at anything, feeling like a loser).

Whether it be your ego, your value, your personality being threatened, ideals or beliefs, or your peace of mind (happens when you get annoyed), anger manifests.

The amount of anger you feel is in relation to the amount of worry, or lack of control you have over the situation.  The more hopeless, the angrier you get.  The anger makes you feel powerful enough so you can beat your opponent, but in actuality it does little but cloud your perception of truth.

Perhaps phobia’s are a form of anger?  I’ll get to that later….

That’s why some people can’t handle debating.  If they are unequipped (stupid), they’ll get angry because they can’t formulate their argument, they can’t sway you.  They’d rather shut down and tell you to “go fuck yourself”, than to deal with facing their own inadequacies and holes in their belief system.

Denial is a river of stupidity forever openly flowing.

It happens when you make blocks in your head by being too lazy (or too busy) to understand an answer, so you make assumptions to replace understanding.  Hence the holes in your belief system.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, where was I?  Oh yeah, my client made me angry.  Almost the trembling kind (that’s the worst).

I analyzed it and at the heart of it, I felt she was threatening my business.

Now, in the past, as most of you know, I had a bad run of it.  My business wheels were crumbling on the road to failure.  The feelings I went through during that disastrous time left an imprint, a wordless feeling, ominous.  Anything, or any person who threatens my business hooks me back up to that ominous emotion I felt during the time my business was falling apart.

While I no longer should feel threatened, things are okay now, I still have that emotional imprint.  Like you remember how burlap feels rough on your skin, you can remember how you felt when your life was shattering.  It’s always there and you can never forget.

As soon as I realized she can’t hurt my business, my anger released.  And I mean the instant I realized this.  I still felt the physical residue of anger, the heightened blood pressure and adrenaline, but I told myself those are only the physical symptoms and will soon go away.

It’s hard getting rid of emotion while your physical body wants to hold onto it.  You may have found your answer, but you still feel upset.  You think nothing has been solved, so you cycle through it again until you fall asleep and wake up the next day feeling great.  It’s all just stress hormones.

Angry people can’t separate the past from the present.  They are constantly being tied back in.  The older they get, the more shit they go through, the angrier and more hopeless they become.  Every little nuance, the smallest of troubles, can become mole hills.

The worst of these angry people put up brain blocks by not taking the time to understand something, so they taught themselves how to be stupid.  They assume too much, filling in the holes with an already shotty belief system.  They can’t debate.  Can’t face truth.  They’re angry and half the time don’t know why.

They have the potential to be smart, so on the outside they might seem fine, but with all the blocks and assumptions, or even just being tied into past emotions, it’s a recipe for anger.

Maybe angry people aren’t stupid, but they’re weak.  They don’t believe they have all the power.


In other news, I made an appointment to get laser hair removal done on my face.  On my upper lip and under my chin.  I bought a whole package of them through the barter network.

Before I go under the laser, I can’t pluck or wax my hair.  There needs to be stubble.  So I’m giving myself one month of no plucking to make sure every little hair follicle is at the surface ready to be zapped.  The med spa said I’m allowed to shave though…..

It’s incredibly hard not to pluck.  I habitually rub my face up and down throughout the day checking for any stubble and when I find something, I pluck it out and it feels so good.  The thicker and darker the hair, the better it feels when I pull it out.  I look forward to my nightly pluckings.

But wow, to see them all growing together like this, I really am a hairy beast girl.  I didn’t shave yesterday and it looked like I had a five o’clock shadow.  If I don’t shave my face, I’m habitually rubbing my stubble.  The temptation to pluck is incalculable.

My appointment is August 1st, I’m only on day 18.  18 days of no plucking.  And I probably can’t pluck until the last laser treatment is done.

If it actually works, I’ll never have to worry again about what I look like while taking one of my wacky treks through unknown lands.  I’ll not need my mirror.


It’s now 5:30pm, I safely made it though most of the day by lounging.  I didn’t have any work emergencies thank god.  But I missed my window for a nap.  I think I shall play chess and watch Limits of Perception on Amazon prime.

I’m a dorky, weird, hairy lazy beast girl who writes 1800 words “just for fun”.  And I recently beat my video game, that’s another reason why I’m blogging today.

I think the stomach came first.

Oh, I was going to write about how phobia’s are connected to anger…..

Anger is more like a battle, you can either win or lose against your opponent.  Anger is not resolved.

Phobia’s are what happens after you lost the battle.  Not only have you lost, but years later, those scars still remain.  Triggers can hook you up directly to emotions of the past.

How do you explain an aerophobic person who never flew in a plane before?  It’s tied in with something else, an entirely different past experience.  Different experience, but same emotion.

Phobia’s are unresolved battles that you’ve lost.  The more you panic, the more hopelessness you feel.  The physical response of reliving and retrieving stress hormones from the past only exacerbates the matter.  Your body can’t relax no matter how calm your senses.  It’s autoimmune, first response.  Emotion comes before thought.  You’re caught in the grip of panic without knowing what’s causing it.  And when you realize, it’s too late.  Your body refuses to cooperate with reasoning.


Holy crap listen to this…..I’m watching Limits of Perception and you want to hear something cool?

When the earth starts heating up for whatever reason, don’t know the reason due to chaos theory, the earth metabolizes itself and you want to know how?  Oceans start getting warmer, plankton produce and multiply faster in warm water and plankton produces a molecule called DMS.  DMS causes water to condense into droplets, making clouds brighter and shinier to reflect the suns heat back into space.  These juiced up water droplets end up cooling the earth.

Plankton, a micro-organism, saves us from extinction every time a heat wave strikes.

And these little guys love the sun, but their own love of the sun causes clouds to appear.  It’s sort of an analogy for letting go.  If you hold on too tight, keeping watch and waiting (wading in the water like plankton), the sun will never appear.

Shit, I think I’m done for today.  I should probably eat something.



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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

“Atman is Brahman” and I Fired an Employee! All in todays topic of Melanieslifeonline

I’m beyond prostrated.  Debilitated, wasted, spent, and bleary-eyed.

I’ve been running around jagged this month and even got myself an exhaustion head cold.

Yesterday I fired an employee for driving me crazy.





That stuff she wrote about not being able to change her schedule is bullshit.  And I never picked up or stolen her hours – I don’t want to work!  I haven’t been on the schedule for probably a year now.  She is literally crazy and delusional and I mean that in kind, not being mean here.

It felt good firing her though, ain’t gonna lie.  She texted me every 5 minutes since she started working for me and honestly I’m surprised I let her stay for as long as I did.  She called one of my favorite clients evil!  She openly admitted to stealing from her other job!  Not to mention clients don’t like her, my employee’s don’t like her.

She’s an indépendant contractor, so I don’t have to worry about any repercussions.

Today is my first day off in what feels like forever.  A day off where I have nothing planned.  A day off where I don’t have paperwork or “to do” lists.  These are the days I live for and hopefully in time, will be all that is left.

I’ve been sitting on a blog post for a while now.  One that I wanted to write about so bad but couldn’t find the time.

After I ate that psychedelic taffy, I went on a hippie forum to investigate other people’s experience with the “oneness” and read a post from a man who mentioned “Atman is Brahman.”

It’s Hindu, of course.  The closest religion to truth.

Atman is another word for soul.  We all have an Atman including animals and plants.

Brahman is “world soul” or “cosmic soul.”  Basically, what we think God is.  It is timeless, eternal, omniscient, and controls the show.

Hindu’s believe that Atman is Brahman.  They are indistinguishable.  But our individual selves can be sheathed in a veil, one that see’s hatred, envy, and fear.  We separate ourselves from the divine, and not the other way around.  Most organized religions separate us from the divine as a way to label and judge lesser people, or “evil” people.  Without those evil people, saints wouldn’t exist.  And without that separation, religions would be less permissible to kill for their beliefs.

The Us vs Them mentality makes us feel united and protected in an extended family of peers that share the same belief.  To stave off feeling alone and meaningless.

But with Hindu, they greet others with Namaste which means “the divine in me recognized the divine in you.”

My grandpa used to live in a cottage in Rhode Island and his neighbors are basically like family to us.  One of his neighbors has a son that my brother hung out with yesterday.  This man has DMT, the god molecule or whatever they’re calling it.  He smoked it and was taken out of his body (the son, not my brother).  But I think this is my next step into learning more.  I need to meet this guy.  According to my bro, me and him make a good match.  The guy sounds exactly like me.

I’m not looking to date, but I’m definitely interested in what he’s peddling.

“Atman is Brahman” is exactly what I experienced with the taffy.  I always intuitively known it to be true, but this was the first time I really understood it.  On an experience kind of level.

Why is all this stuff important to me?  I’ve always searched for answers since I was a kid and never understood how anyone can go about their lives, living day to day without knowing what the point is.

Me as a child – “You work and live in a box with other people working and living in boxes next to you.  Why?  Don’t you care why?”

It scared me that they didn’t care.  I understood that they were just too busy to care.  I promised myself at a young age to never get trapped.  I know it sounds like bullshit, but I swear to the gods that I remember it like yesterday.  “Never get trapped Mel, don’t become them.”

Okay, enough on that.  Explaining to you why I am how I am is not important and makes for a shitty read.


I love superpositions!  I first learned about them when I was 18 and attempted to read “An Elegant Universe” by Brian Green.  I had to read it over and over again because my brain couldn’t comprehend it.

Basically, any subatomic particle such as photons, electrons and atoms, exist in a superposition state until they are witnessed.  The “witnessing” is called Decoherence.  And Superposition means to exist in all possible infinite locations at the same time.

Basically the world acts crazy while you’re not watching it but as soon as you turn around to look, it goes back to normal.  Like the toys in Toy Story 2.

Is it only human conscious that can decohere particles or can machines do it to?  Apparently machines can also do it, which means our world can still exist if the AI’s in Battlestar Gallactica win.  Physical reality won’t disintegrate and fly off into space as long as machines are here to decohere the subatomic particles.

Which makes me wonder, if Atman really is Brahman, how can machines possess our unique ability to measure the unmeasurable?  Shouldn’t that just be the Atman’s job?  Or should we factor in the superposition of time itself?  If time is superimposed, maybe it knew we were watching the whole time, or will watch it?

Or we can approach this a bit more scientifically and note that these machines, in order to detect and measure a superimposed particle, has to bounce photons off the wave particle thereby breaking down its wave function and rendering it to particle form.  So, both humans and machines can decohere probable objects into spacetime reality.

There’s another cool example about superpositioned particles…..

If you have two identical particles that were nurtured in identical environments and then try to measure them, they won’t be identical anymore.  Because they existed in the smeared superposition world of empty possibilities, when measured, they were forced to become, to “choose”(if you will), one thing to be.  Even though they should’ve been identical, they weren’t.  They had to make a choice to become something.

Which enforces my theorem of all of us having a choice.  We are not a product of our environment.  But if subatomic particles can choose to be something, than is there a limit on what can possess an atman?  Can individual subatomic particles also contain their very own atman?  Albeit tiny and obscure?  If so, why?

It’s like looking into a fractal, you know?  There’s the Brahman, the big guy, then when you zoom in and keep going down and down, you see all the little facets getting smaller and smaller, never ending.  It that the Atman?  Never ending?  If so, where am I?  Is it like a pyramid scheme?  All the little subatomic Atmans obeying me?  Not being in existence without me viewing them?  But then again, I wouldn’t be in existence without them either.  If this really is a fractal world we’re in, I’m made up of those tiny Atmans.

It’s fun to think about this stuff on my day off.  But I’m running out of steam and thinking about grabbing something to eat and spending the rest of the day in front of my video game.

But I do have to say, particles and waves are like people.  Particle people see what’s there while wave people see the possibilities.  Hokey?  Yeah, I thought so too.  But if you combine the two, magic happens.

I thought up an excellent idea for a new book.  It’s called “When God Visits a Shrink…”  It’s about a regular guy who goes to a shrink after winning the lotto because he’s suffering from delusions of grandeur and is scared that his thoughts alone can wreak havoc on the world.  He’s becoming paranoid and panicked.  He’s diagnosed with solipsism syndrome, but as the story progresses, I’ll include all my philosophical idea’s that I learned from ayahuasca and the pot taffy.  And it’ll read like one of my debates with Rational Brain.

There’s an old iconic philosopher, I forgot who, Socrates or Plato or one of them guys, who said the best way into philosophizing is through debate.  The best idea’s are brought forth in a question and answer format.  The idea of God going to a shrink is the perfect scenario for one of these types of discussions!  I’m really juiced up about it.

My parents just came home.  It’s 4PM and I’m laying in bed in my pajama’s.  They brought home chicken.  Yum chicken!  I haven’t eaten all day.

Anyway, Trat Tvam Asi and all that jazz, I really need to zone for the rest of the day with my big bucket of chicken and game controller.

At first I was curious.  Curious to know more about reality and why we’re here, but now I’m just trying to get one up on the universe, you know?  Now that I got a glimpse of it.  If I had more days like this, once I get my fill of relaxing and laying about, and write my fill of the garbage that’s in my head – I want to one up the universe.  Experience a little slice of magic.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant


Part of being brave is not caring what other people think of you.

Home is where everything is, you know?  And where do you feel most at home?  When you’re around people who love and accept you.

You feel energized, unstoppable, unbeatable, not afraid of anything because all you’ll ever need is right there where you are.  Love, acceptance, and trust in knowing that the feeling of home isn’t going anywhere.

You’re so deep in the trust that you didn’t know you had it until it’s gone.

Many people don’t go anywhere without bringing a friend along.  They bring a little piece of home.  A reminder of who they are.  They bring courage in the form of a person.

Bravery is found in letting go of that person and learning to trust that home is always in your heart, nobody else’s.

Make yourself at home wherever you are, and with whomever you’re with.

I discovered this idea a very long time ago when I watched the very first season of American Idol.  It was Kelly Clarkson who brought this idea of “home” to my attention.

In her first audition, she made herself at home.  Like she belonged there.  She was joking around, not taking it “seriously”.  She was actually having fun without being nervous and talked to the hosts like they were old friends.

Then I watched guests being interviewed on talk shows.  The best of these guests made themselves at home.  Like they had some kind of impenetrable armor.  The kind that children wear, sorta like a cloak of acceptance.  They accept who they are.  They love who they are.  Most importantly, they enjoy who they are.

But kids have no awareness of loving themselves or accepting who they are, they don’t question it.

“I’m me and that’s all.”

It’s like they have a valid excuse for everything they do or say and that excuse is; “I’m me.  I’m just doing what me does.”

But since we’re all caught up in the ego game, we have trouble taking this “home” with us without validation from an outside force.  The narcissist feeds.  We’re all narcissists to some degree.

The narcissist tries to recreate their childhood “home” of security. The type of security that involves an incredible amount of trust – so deep in it that you can’t see it until it’s gone. It’s just always there, without question.

It’s when you start to question the validity of your home, does it start to crumble. What brought on your doubt in the first place? Because a person brought you down and judged you.

The closer you are to finding your true home, the closer you come to enjoying this life.  Whatever you’re doing, whomever you’re with, it’s pure enjoyment simply because you enjoy in yourself.  You take pleasure in not knowing what you’ll do, or be faced with next.

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.  Being worried all the time is NOT you.  Trust nobody but yourself.

Haters will always be there.  No matter what you do or say, take comfort in knowing that you can trust a hater to jab you at each turn.  It’s the haters job to make you turn back “home” to where artificial validation lies.  Artificial meaning, not coming from you but from others.

Why? Because your heart (home) wasn’t strong enough. Your belief fell short.

If a person is able to hurt you, that only means someone else is able to make you feel good.

Ayahuasca says that feedback, whether it be good or bad, are of equal unimportance.  Don’t let either of them affect you because one doesn’t work without the other.

Rational Brain – “What if the haters are right?  What then?”

Then you learn.

Haters are there to remind us of our dubious nature to trust others more than we trust ourselves.  Herd mentality.  Strength in numbers.

It’s nearly impossible to unlearn centuries of evolutionary survival tactics.

I’m writing this because some poor guy commented on a post I wrote a very long time ago about my ex-boyfriends girlfriends hate letter to me.  I reminded him of a girl who hurt him and so he unleashed his beast.

Everyone wants approval, sometimes they want vengeance, but most of all they want to be heard.  Strength in numbers…..but what is it they are strengthening?

But I appreciate his comment because it made me remember what home means to me.  Of course home will always be where my heart is, my family, the people I love – it’s home base.  But what happens if it’s gone one day?  What happens when the trust is gone, or people pass, or I move away?

What is home then?

It’s always there. It was there from the beginning. And to be able to go back to it with awareness of it’s existence, can only make it stronger.

It’s our Gods space – the reason for us being here is to reclaim it. It’s just that we go about it the wrong way. The narcissistic way of finding security and contentment.

The strongest of us are the most beautiful.  What I mean by beautiful, I mean kind.

Kindness is giving and more often than not, it’s the giving of forgiveness.

And the glory of it is that it’s easy to forgive when you understand the true nature of home.  You forgive yourself and carry everything you need internally without seeking an outsiders influence.  What’s to forgive?  If you’re not hurt by anyone, what’s to forgive?

Being brave means to trust yourself.  There’s no better meaning than that.  What other people think of you should be of no consequence.  It’s insanity when you think about it.  I mean, really think about it.

I’m exhausted.  It’s already 2 in the morning and I’m laying in bed in my underwear because it was just too damn hot earlier to put anything else on.

Ah nice, nice clean sheets and I flipped my memory foam mattress.

Anyway, I have to sleep.  I have four clients tomorrow.

I’m up to the letter G in cataloging my new membership system.  H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are all that remains.

I can’t be manipulated or controlled, nobody can get a good grasp on me.  And the people who don’t trust themselves, end up not trusting me.  It’s all just a mind game.  One that I don’t want to participate in.

I’m almost positive that this geek category that I’m in, doesn’t participate in these games.  We’re geeks.  Not adults.  Adults do this shit, not us.


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I’m thinking about changing my name to MelAnus.  It’s close enough to Melanie so my parents won’t care too much.  And once it’s changed, I’ll switch the name of my blog to MelAnus Discharge.  Pretty cool, huh?  Thought of it meself.  Actually thought of it as I was typing it.

Because, well, let’s be honest here.  What I spew into my blog is no different then relaxing my bowels but man I tell you what, I enjoy both.

Enough small talk, I wanted to share with you my epiphany I had earlier.

I thought long and hard (while relaxing my bowels) about my curious “innocent” nature and it has nothing to do with me trying to cover up a demon – I love my demon actually, and recently wrote about him.

Cool guy.

No, I’m not actually innocent.  I’m stupid!  People mistake my stupidity for innocence which only means that those people are just as stupid as I am.

I’m glad I got that off my chest.  Acknowledging and accepting my stupidity makes me feel closer to inching my way onto one of the more specialized secular branches of the category tree.  I have fellow brothers and sisters who will laugh beside me and hold my hand – I am not alone.

And maybe I am fearless, but it’s only because I’m stupid – I don’t think, only do.  MelAnus do do.  It all makes sense now.

It makes me feel so much better by knowing myself.  Like finally getting a diagnosis for a horrendous rash on your genitals.  The itch will now stop.

So yes, I am playing spa owner.  Not because I want to enrich the lives in my community, but because I want to be rich and not have to work.

Okay, other than that, last night I hit my peak of fear and today I woke up bright-eyed and chipper thanks to my buoyant nature or what some like to call, being bi-polor.

Why was I at the height of my fear?  Have you ever owned a business?

Let me break it down for you, when your business starts siphoning money from an already depleted well, you’re going to hear a sucking sound.  And that sucking sound will follow you around everywhere you go.  Every thought that you have, every loose dollar you spend.

“I think I’ll get a dunkin iced coffee today!  Oh wait….”  Suck suck suck.  Your chest caves in.

You may not believe me, but it’s like going through a bad breakup, or a divorce – your heart smolders in satanic ashes, you breathe like you only have a quarter of your lung capacity left.

Nothing else matters.  All else is nonsense.

You basically lose yourself.  You lose yourself to the environment that you placed yourself in.

When you lose yourself, there is no joy there.  But on the flip side, others may feel that when they “lose” themselves, they’re free.  They’re at their happiest.  But they haven’t actually lost themselves per se, no, they found themselves.

As a proud member of the Stupid category, I’m adequately happy pretty much all of the time.  I let loose and I’m able to be myself – I’m not one that gives a fuck (just watch me dance).  What I’m trying to say is that I found out who I was a very long time ago but the seriousness of the world sucked it out.

It made me feel insecure, unsafe, unwanted.  I’m not “professional” or “responsible” is what I hear.  The world can do that people.  To just about everyone.

And now with my business hanging on the brink, it pushes me further away.

When you’re being yourself, you live in the moment.  I know this for a fact and not just by listening to the Power of Now but I’ve lived this way for years!  That is, before I started to “grow up”.

Everyone’s got it wrong.  Don’t ever grow up.

I’m a believer in choice.  Ayahuasca told me there is ALWAYS a choice.  And with this belief, comes answers.  Where there’s a choice, there is always an answer.

I woke up today happy because I remembered that there’s always an answer.  You only have to believe and do everything it takes and I mean everything.

Shit takes its toll.  Worse than going in circles over the GW bridge (which is one of my humiliating traditions).

When you see the answer, bam, you’re back to your normal self.  But sometimes you see your answer and it doesn’t register right away.  It may take a while until you fully see it.

“No no that’s too outlandish, it will never work.”  Then you sit on it for a while and you wake up one day and say, “That’s it!  Why have I waited so long?!”

Perhaps you have to be your normal self in order to see your unique answer?

What is my normal self?  Well, I forgot for a long time who I was until I recently remembered that I’m part stupid.

How do you know who your normal self is?

Okay, I figured out how to do this and I’m sure it’s different for everyone so I made it into a one question quiz.  For me personally, the answer was stupidity – this answer frees me.  For you it might be something completely different.

Okay, here’s the first and only question:  What are you most afraid of?

And I don’t mean bears or zombies, no, I mean, what are you afraid of being?  Right at this very moment?

This is a tricky question because I don’t want you to get confused with consequences or end result answers like, “I’m afraid of being alone.”

Being alone is an end result answer, not a present moment way of being.  Or, “I’m afraid of living with regrets” , “I’m afraid of being poor”,”I’m afraid of not being a good provider.”

Those are all end result stuff, future stuff.  I mean your quirks, your secret personality defects, your flaws – the really good stuff.

By finding out exactly what you’re afraid of being and then committing yourself to becoming what you’re afraid of then guess what happens?  The fear of it completely dissolves and what you’re left with is your pure untainted identity.

By accepting my stupidity and sharing it with others, I’m completely free.

When I smoke pot around people, depending on who I’m with, I can see these types of fears in others.  I can see how it holds people back, causes them to manipulate, get offended, skirt the truth – I see it!

The way out is in.  It’s to embrace.  If you don’t believe me, you’ll just have to trust me on it.

Rational Brain – “What about rapists, pedophiles, or people with an urge to kill?  You want them to embrace their weaknesses?”

That’s not who they really are, it’s more like a compulsion they have, or a need.  Like smoking cigarettes or doing drugs, it satisfies a craving.  It’s a brain problem.

Rational Brain – “You have a bullshit answer for everything, don’t you?”

It’s not bullshit, I read an article.  It’s actually really sad.

But anyway, that’s how you find yourself.  By finding out what you’re afraid of being and becoming it by choice.  If you don’t do it by choice, it will happen without your choice and I promise you it WILL happen.

And if you do this correctly, you don’t actually become your fear.  You eliminate it.  And by eliminating it, nothing holds you back anymore.  You’d be fully present and I’d be able to smoke pot around you.

I guess it’s hard to explain.

It’s 1AM and I told myself I was going to exercise tomorrow before work.  I have to friggin sleep.

Before I go, I just want to say that I don’t think I’ll be blogging for a while.  At least, not until I whip my business back into shape.  I just hate writing the same morose things over and over again.  I hate whining.

You want to hear something disgusting?  I saved my dental floss!  I flossed my teeth with it and put it aside for next time.  Where is it?  Oh, I think it’s on the floor now.  Okay, I’ll throw it out.  But I just wanted to demonstrate to you just how much in the dog house I am.

MelAnus weeps.

My mom today gave me toothpaste, toilet paper, shampoo, and socks.

Me – “Thank you for these gifts!”

And I really REALLY meant it.

“I won’t have to darn my socks this winter!”

I can’t believe I wrote so much.  All I wanted to tell you was that I’m going to take a break from writing for a while.

To wrap things up, I just want to reiterate that living in the present moment requires you to eliminate all fear.  Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power of Now, tells you to live presently and your fears will wash away by themselves, but I like my way better.  My way of confronting your fear is better.  If you don’t confront it, you’ll have no awareness of it and soon enough you’ll become that what you hate most.

My brain works swiftly when I’m in the present.  I’m less jumpy and I feel smarter.  Almost impenetrable, like nobody has any negative affect on me whatsoever.

I miss that feeling.

How do I get it back?  Two ways in conjunction:  By remembering there is always a choice and because a choice exists, I will find an answer.  And secondly, by embracing what it is I’m afraid to be.

MelAnus is done discharging for tonight.

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Filed under All about me, humor, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

Laying in bed on a Tuesday

I originally wanted to tie up loose ends from my last post such as the “letting go” part of it.  If my esthetician “let go” of the taxi cab she was in, she wouldn’t be around today to tell her tale.

I would’ve went on a long wild tangent on how you have to make a choice and to trust God within you.  To “let go” of all that is unnecessary, to trust, to choose, and to take action knowing that you will NOT fail.

There’s a very fine line between letting go in the physical, intellectual sense of the meaning in comparison to the other way of letting go.  It’s such a fine line that I have trouble describing it which only makes me sound like I’m full of shit.

How do I describe it?  If she let go of the cab even after her instincts told her not to, it’d be more like giving up.  Giving up is not the same as letting go although for most of us it’s the same thing.

People choose to fail because they still have power as long as they can choose.  They choose failure because they have no trust in themselves or the process found in courage.

Choosing failure is the ego’s last resort to exert control over a situation that takes courage to endure.

The “letting go” I’m talking about, the one my esthetician described to me is just the opposite of giving up.  She let go of fear and made a choice.

But anyway, it’s too heady even for my head.

So instead of going into one of my transfixed wild tangents, I want to write about my business.

A few posts ago, I was having a really good week.  An astounding month actually.  I claimed that my take-home pay was $1000 a week.  Well, it’s a few weeks later and no, I was wrong.

I keep ping-ponging back and forth between success and fear (failure).  At the beginning of the month when I charge all my members, I feel relieved and successful.  But then as the end of the month approaches, when that money drastically dwindles, my stomach turns upside-down.

“What can I do.  What can I do to help my finances?”

All my choices thus far have been thought-out and calculated.

Every action, every investment I made – everything figured out in my monthly budget.  Everything except one thing.

My therapist broke her arm and instead of taking in money (clients), she sits there answering phones all day.  Roughly 35 hours a week, $350 a week, $1400 a month.  Figure in taxes, that’s about $2,000 a month I’m investing in with no added return.

I was planning on hiring a receptionist eventually when I could safely afford it, but it happened too soon.  And as a way of compensating for my new expense, I invested in facials and rented the rooms upstairs for more space to accommodate those facials.

The money I spent as the result of her broken limb is immense.  Not only do I pay $2000 a month, but all my new improvements are enough to bankrupt me.

So what do I do?  I have to get her taking clients again as soon as possible.  The only plan I thought of to combat this was ashiatsu – walking on clients backs.  And with the two new rooms, I’ll be able to fit in the ashiatsu bars.

I love this employee and she loves me.  My esthetician even pointed it out that she loves me.  So this employee is going nowhere but here.  I care about her too much.

If I can take back my $2000 a month, I’ll definitely be making $1000 a week after all my bills (personal and business) are paid.

The next ashiatsu class is July 24th.  Can I hold out until then?  During the dead of summer when no clients book?

On the ride home yesterday, I discussed more menu options with my esthetician.  We decided to add eyebrow threading and waxing to the menu – both being of little expense on my part but have big payouts.

Today I have to figure out her commission for doing these new services, and finish my brochures.

I strive for peace of mind – I’ve been striving since I opened up this place.  But it never ends.  There’s always something.

I work but I don’t have anything to show for it.  I work and get nothing but worry.

My estheticians story from yesterday unknowingly showed me the difference between letting go and giving up, although I can’t put it into words.  I feel it emotionally.

Giving up causes hate and anger towards her offenders, but letting go releases all that.  In a way, it’s acceptance.  It’s taking responsibility.  It’s accepting death in lieu of your fears winning over you.

My esthetician – “I kept telling them to kill me.  They threatened me with being tortured in prison and I say ‘kill me now then.  Kill me now.  I’m not leaving this cab.’

She accepted death and let go while still not giving up.

I know you don’t understand, I know.  But I can’t explain it any better than that.

She’s an amazing woman, my esthetician.

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My Day

I’m sitting at a Starbucks in downtown Manhattan on official business.

At least, that’s what I want to believe.  I want to believe that I’m a successful business entrepreneur who ended up in a downtown Manhattan Starbucks on official business.  With her Apple iPhone and Macbook at hand, dressed like a smart hipster with a cool aloofness that draws people in.

No, instead I’m cleaning my computer screen with the sleeve of my shirt and itching my runny nose with also, the sleeve of my shirt.  I’m wearing second-hand pants and my shoes are made out of some kind of plastic or something similar to plastic.  I’m not sure what.

What the hell are my shoes made of?  Now I’m searching the inside of my shoe.  Doesn’t say.

I’m supposed to be working on brochures for my business but I’m too tired for that shit.

Why am I here?

I’m getting my esthetician trained in micro-current facials.  This is the closest school I found that does it.  I offered to go with her so she wouldn’t be alone in NY and she said ‘yes please’ and so here I am.

I hate that I’m nice.

I’m roughly 1 hour and 45 minutes away from home but the traffic tacks on another hour or two.  An hour or two of teeth grinding traffic.  I have a mouth full of teeth sand.

I got lost and had to go over the GW bridge twice which ended up costing me $16.  Going over the GW twice is becoming a tradition.  One of Melanie’s many humiliating traditions.  I dropped my esthetician off at the school just shy an hour late.

I parked at a garage not knowing the full extent of how much they charge.  Across the street from where I’m sitting, I see a place that charges exactly $10.14 for up to 30 minutes.


After parking I came here, to Starbucks.  There’s one on every block.

I really want to pick up my car….

So far this trip is costing me a fortune.  I want to feel like a successful entrepreneur doing work at a Starbucks in downtown Manhattan but the truth is, my shoes are plastic (or something similar to plastic), and I’m too cheap to even buy myself a sandwich.  Not cheap, poor.  There’s a difference.

Maybe not poor, but realistic? I get my sandwiches at home for free mothafugas so why pay?

Today is payday for all my employee’s which means today is the opposite of payday for me.

It’s 1:50.  Only four more hours to go.

I dropped my car off at 11:20 at the parking garage and I’m not thrilled about leaving it there.  What was I thinking?  I didn’t think it would cost so much that’s what I was thinking!

I should go back and get it.  Yeah, I have to.  Definitely have to.

Okay I’m back.  My bill totaled $30.  Not horrible, but not great either.  I moved my car to the street which costs absolutely nothing.  And the absurd thing is, there’s ample street parking everywhere!  I didn’t think a garage would cost so much seeing that their competitors offer free parking.


I just met Phil, an old woman who works at the Gershwin theater.  She wants to get me free tickets to see Wicked.  We exchanged numbers and ate ramen together at a small but popular ramen restaurant that had a line out the door.


I’m home now.  I’m fried.  Big crowds seep up my energy like suction cup tentacles.

Oh and my car got hit!  How did I forget about that?  I heard a dull thud while I was driving 5MPH and I thought it was a pedestrian at first and…..oh god this is bad…..I shouldn’t be telling you this…..

I ignored it and sped up!

Okay okay, I know that sounds bad but if you were there you’d understand.  I thought a person fell into my car – not me hitting them, but them hitting me.  When I came to my senses and looked back, I saw a yellow van pulling out into ongoing traffic – it was him that bumped my tail end.  Not a pedestrian.

“That asshole.”

My esthetician told me the most amazing stories on the ride home.  Crazy crazy stories about her visit to Saudi Arabia where she was held at gunpoint, and her friends living in Iran with abusive husbands.

The judges over there don’t allow divorce due to abuse (even if it was an arranged marriage to a man 34 years your senior and who already has wives) and they even tell the victims that it’s their own doing.

Not only that, but rape victims get thrown in jail, whipped, tortured, and one woman that she knew of was sentenced to disembowelment – they took out her intestines because she got gang raped.

Women are not allowed to be in the company of men who are not blood relatives or their husbands.  When seen in public, the woman is arrested, tortured, and thrown in jail.  This is what happened to my esthetician when she shared a cab with her male friend.  That’s when she was held at gunpoint and nearly raped by a gang of men claiming to be authority.


I love America.  Americans don’t know how good they got it.

My esthetician – “I asked God to help me.  I kept thinking about that quote that says, ‘if you were to fall from a cliff, God will be there to catch you and if he’s not there to catch you, he’ll give you wings.’  And I was trusting God will help me and I heard him tell me that whatever happens, don’t leave the cab.  Don’t get out of the cab.  So I held onto the cab and refused to leave it.  They were punching me and kicking me in my side but I didn’t feel it.  They kept pulling and pulling on me to get out.  They couldn’t get me out and so they stopped.  I’ll never forget that day.  9 hours it lasted.”


I’m exhausted.  Crowds man, they kill me.  Life kills me (literally).

You know, if God didn’t exist there wouldn’t be atheists.

Think about it.

Beliefs like that are trippy.  I can understand agnostics, but ANY hardcore belief trips me out.  Atheists have faith that there is no God, while everyone else has faith that there is.  It’s all the same.  Whether you do or you don’t, it’s the same.

That’s why I’m not a fan of faith.  I’m a fan of “knowing” and when I was under ayahuasca, she said that faith is not part of our spiritual evolution but actual “knowing” is.  Faith doesn’t exist in the spirit realm.  It’s just another lie we tell ourselves.  An illusion to help our ego’s control and understand.

Do you have faith that you exist?  No!  You know you exist.  Why?  Because we think.

{Completely off my original topic, but if our thoughts are the only proof of our existence, wouldn’t that mean the closer we get to silencing our thoughts, the closer we get to the source of its power?  The soul?

Now now wait, just hear me out a sec.  If we abolish the “self” and empty our contents, there wouldn’t be anything left separating us from the source.  I was high one night and totally understood this!  It’s our own fear that keeps our thoughts in place.

I tried and tried to empty my mind and meditate while I was high, but it was like a tug of war.  I kept holding on and it dawned on me that it was my own fear.

Ultimately, I believed that I would die if I let go of all thought.  No matter how ridiculous that sounded, I couldn’t deny my reasoning.  I was in fact, terrified of dying.}

Now back to our regular scheduled topic….

I understood this on an emotional level and it was immense (that faith doesn’t exist).  There IS no faith.  Faith is an illusion.  But how do you get to the “knowing” part?  Through suffering and in letting go.  Trust is real.

The words we use in everyday speech take on different meanings – deeper, emotionally felt meanings that can’t be put into words.  Trust and faith are not the same.

Trust is tangible while faith is a dream.  You’re able to let go because of trust – trust in that whatever happens, is meant to be.  And whatever you do, it’s all part of the process.

Trust the process!

Rational Brain – “Okay there Gandhi, let’s wrap things up before you go on one of your wild tangents.”

Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that?

The thing that gets to me is, some people don’t think it’s that bad over there in Saudi Arabia, Iran, Africa or wherever.  They say it’s their culture and it’s what they agree to.  It’s all they know and it’s not our place to fight it.

They turn a blind eye to it.  If we label the country as bad, than that means the entire nationality/race must be bad and us pious non-racists don’t adhere to that.

It really irks me that people do that.  They label an entire race or nationality of people based on what country they’re from.  They can’t separate the one from the whole and because of this, we allow bad behavior to continue because if we didn’t, we would hate and discriminate.

For example, if you agree that it’s not bad over in Saudi Arabia or Iran, but your ears perked up in agreement that yes, Africa IS bad – there’s a good chance that you’re a little prejudiced towards black people.  Unless that is, if you’re one in the few who can separate the one from the whole.

Another reason why we refuse to “discriminate” is that we don’t have the power to do anything about it.  We don’t have the power to help anyone.  And because we lack power, instead of admitting to our lack of power, we end up defending ourselves.  We defend ourselves by denying that there’s a problem in the first place.  All because of our ingracious ego’s.

I mean, to me, it’s the obvious reason why we turn our heads when we see others suffering (especially by our own hands).  We end up blaming the victim which is no different than sentencing them to death.  We all lack power and can’t let go of our own needs.

We are globally the same.

My esthetician – “I come to America and I get job, I get shelter, food, I get a big welcome.  But in Iran we get none of that.  We have only our family and our culture.”

This makes me think that the more we depend on our family to care for us, the harder it is to let go of culture and outdated beliefs.  If we were to let go of one, the others will topple like a 4 foot tall jenga.  Our world unravels and we are left with nothing.

It’s like instead of having both feet planted firmly on the truth, we’re stationed up in hammocks not wanting to get our feet wet.  The stronger your “faith” in the hammock, the less likely you are to get wet.


Aaaagh…..I can never up and leave to go live someplace else.  But what if I’m just looking at shadows on the wall?  This is my culture and I can’t see outside it?

Okay, new item on bucket list:  Live somewhere else for at least 6 months.

Rational Brain – “Are you done now?”

Hold on let me think…


Rational Brain – “This is all said by someone who sped up after thinking she hit someone.”

Reflexes Rational Brain!  That was from reflexes!  It would’ve been their fault anyway!

Rational Brain – “Blaming victims are we?”

Oh shut up.  Just shut up.


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How to get out of a dump funk

Whenever I ask myself a question, it’s as though no other thoughts infiltrate my head other than the probable answers.  My focal point is set and all else falls away.

Rational Brain – “And what question is on your mind tonight might I ask?”

No questions.  I’m just mulling this fact over in my head.  I mean, one question and nothing else seems to matter except for that one question.

I had a bipolar day today.  I can’t remember my last bipolar episode before today.  I’d forgotten what they feel like.

It feels like someone sits on my chest making it impossible for me to breathe.  I feel listless, without happiness.  Like a Harry Potter dementor came to pay me a visit.  It’s quite literally a physical sensation.  Only one who experienced deep sadness can tell you about it.  Your heart physically aches.  How was I able to forget that?

All because of my impending birthday coming up on stupid Valentines day.  I remembered it’s this coming Saturday.  Last night I remembered and last night was when it started – the polar shift in my icecaps.  I woke up today with a big fatty of a dementor hanging over my head, washing away all the nice dreams I had.

Then I started worrying about my business and how I’ll never make any money with it.  All my thoughts were void of question.  My thoughts were inarguable statements without choice.

That’s what dementors do.  They rob you of your questions.  Without questions, you lose your focal point, your purpose.  And something else takes the reins – fear.

It’s so odd coming to this realization.  It’s particularly odd for me since I don’t like to complain about anything until I find a solution first.  First a solution, than I can complain all I want about the thing that once made my life hell.  I complain with a light heart – one that I’m fully in control of.  But I slip up at times and unwittingly complain in my internal grumblings.

My friend told me the other day that I’m the most emotionally stable person she knows.

It baffles me because if I’m so emotionally stable, then why am I still up at 5:30 in the morning unable to sleep?  Writing about dementors and how I feel like I have a man sitting on my chest?

If I’m considered stable, I don’t want to know what other people think about.  It’s also kind of funny how nobody really know’s anyone.

I’m up because I’m excited about my new discovery that asking the right question is like casting the most powerful patronus charm against all dementors.  I had to look up patronus charm and Google miraculously knew my question before it was asked.

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 5.19.17 AM

That’s crazy.

Here’s a question for you…..are we more apt to be sad in these futuristic times when answers are given to us before we can type them into a search engine?  Since answers are ample on the net, forums and blogs abound, are we less inclined to seek out a more personal take on things?

In other words, do we stop asking questions because the answers are already there for us?  We only have to open a book, or more conveniently, a laptop.

We are taught from baby-hood to listen to those who know better – and those people who know better just so happen to be anyone that’s older than us.  We’re inclined to listen more than we’re inclined to think.  It’s what we’re taught.  Lucky for me, thanks to my mother, I learned how to NOT listen to adults.

My mom is crazy and I knew from an insanely young age that I had a better gauge on reality than she did.  I owe everything to my mother, but that’s a different story.

What was I saying?  Ah yes.  According to my new insight, if we stop asking questions, the dementors will come find us.  We lose our power and source of awareness.  Awareness is found by asking questions.

Rational Brain – “That sounds insightful, can you spread your words on that?”

Okay but I won’t get too deep into it.  I’m tired.

Shit no, I can’t explain it without getting deep into it.  It’ll have to wait.  Damn the thoughts are flowing.  Damn you rational brain.

It’ll wait.  Another night.

Anywho, in other news….

I’m looking to hire another therapist to work weekends.  I can’t hack it anymore.

Another reason for my malcontent earlier today was because I had to work.  It’s Wednesday, so I only had to massage clients who requested me, but even still – it brought me down.  The moment I was done massaging them, I brightened up and the shroud lifted.

So, my impending birthday wasn’t the only weight on my chest – it was the weight of work that sent me over.

When I worked at Massage Envy, I hated it don’t get me wrong, but I buckled down and did it because I didn’t think I had a choice.  But now that I’ve grown so much and am able to finally see that I do have a choice, the dread becomes more vehement in a way.  More angry, more rebellious.  Like a teenager with a curfew who just got her drivers license.

“I don’t have to do this anymore.” Is your new focal point.  And the fact that you’re still doing it, only entices your wrath against it.  And when left without asking questions that mindfully set your focal point, can lead you to a polar shift of malcontent.

Don’t ask “Why am I still doing this?”  ask instead, “How can I stop doing this?”

Holy crap I just deleted a whole bunch of shit I just wrote.  It was work rambles.

The endings to my posts often suck the shit out of everything preceding it.

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

Here’s a transfixed ramble before I leave for Thailand tonight!

I woke up last night at 3 A.M feeling like I had to throw up.

“Why do I have to throw up?  I haven’t drank anything.”

Then a mini thunder storm erupted in my bowels.

“What did I eat?”

I wanted to get up, but couldn’t.  Every muscle felt weak.  All I could do was lay in bed and decide on whether I wanted to puke or to shit.  Then I realized I’d have to do both sooner or later and I wondered which one will happen first.  Which one I had the least control over.  And that was shit.

I shit like I never shit before.  Then I brushed my teeth because it was 3 A.M and I had morning mouth already – I threw up while I was brushing my teeth.

And so I brushed again.

But man I was sick.  Dizzy, out of breath, brain malfunctioning, black spots.

I couldn’t stand for more than a minute without needing to sit down.

Why?  From half a malaria pill that’s why!  I went online and read the side-effects and one of them were seizures – seizures!  I knew in my heart of hearts that what I was feeling (brain malfunctioning, light-headedness, black spots), are all symptoms leading up to a seizure.  I just knew, you know?  So yeah, no more malaria pills for this girl.  I’ll take my chances with the bugs.

The exhaustion I felt yesterday was impenetrable.  I couldn’t watch tv without feeling sick – I couldn’t listen to my audiobook.  Have you ever felt that sick?

It’s now the next day.  I missed my window to go to the Thai embassy in NY so I’m hoping they’ll still let me on the plane to Thailand.

My stomach is gurgling.  I have a client coming in an hour and a half.

It’s a few days later.  One day away from Thailand and omg…..


I underwent a series of events yesterday all leading up to a new understanding about life.  It was incredible.  It all started with my new employee when she spelled the word “does” wrong.


I cringed at the sight of it.

“There’s a reason why I didn’t hire her in the first place.”

The way my brain operates is, I try to see all sides of a situation before my judgements blind me from seeing truth.  I won’t go into too much detail, but I was once again brought to the conclusion that whatever you believe about a person, you will find.  You’ll keep finding truth to your judgements until that person’s own belief about themselves rises to meet your challenge.

If you dumb yourself down, holding back judgement, in a way, that person you’re holding judgment from will never evolve.  Placating people is a means to enable them.  And when you enable a person – nobody has any power.  It’s a stalemate and an egoic feeding frenzy that circulates back and forth into a spiral.  Placating is not diplomatic, it’s conforming – conceding.  Nobody wins.

I usually close my eyes and say to myself, “all will be well.”  I try not to judge and instead, close my eyes.  If I didn’t close my eyes, nobody will ever like me.  Trust me, they wouldn’t.

“You meant to say “does”, right?”

But what it comes down to is this; (when you’re not enabling stupid behavior and you’re being forthright in your assessments) if their power of belief about themselves overcasts your initial assessment of them, they become worthy of respect.  And since we all judge people from our own perspectives and values, what we believe about someone may be completely opposite of what someone else see’s in them.

The thing I value most is intelligence.  Lack of intelligence is the only thing that annoys me about people.  Feeling annoyed is a subtle branch of anger and hatred.  It’s placing blame to avoid having to deal with our own issues. If we accept people for who they are, this annoyance towards them disappears (it taken me 11 years to realize this).  However, when their behavior affects you in a way where you can’t accept it, remaining passive with your eyes closed will not benefit anyone.

It is more compassionate and giving to express your anger rather than holding onto it.  Expressing anger to someone who upset you is the more compassionate choice.

Since I judge people based on their intelligence, I have absolute power over anyone who annoys me for the sole reason that I don’t care what they think about me.

“Prove to me that you’re not an idiot.  I don’t need to prove anything to you because if an idiot thinks I’m an idiot, it cancels itself out.”

Why do I feel the need to close my eyes during all this?  Because it’s the easy thing to do.  But the right thing to do is most often the hardest.

Expressing our values in a show of annoyance, blame, and judgement – exposes our truest selves.  And the most pig-headed people have no awareness of their truest selves – even while exposing themselves to the wolves.

To find out what you value most, look to see what makes you angry and annoyed – it’s there where you’ll find it.

A dangerous value to have is believing that you’re always right.  By having this value, anytime someone opposes you, you will get defensive and angry.  You can end up running from the truth, and running from yourself.  All mental illness stems from avoiding truth.

Believing that you are always right is a trait of a superficial survivalist who will suffer a mental melt down if their perspective is challenged.  Why?  Because if the world they constructed is wrong, nothing will ever make sense again.  Their foundation is gone.  The void of emptiness (the bad kind), swallows them whole.  Admitting when you’re wrong without experiencing emotions of anger, annoyance, or embarrassment, is the trait of a truly strong person.  A person with faith, not fear.

I also value humility.  I know this for sure because I loathe narcissists – well, we are all narcissists but there’s a scale on how bad we can be.  The more validation you need, the higher you are on the scale.  The stronger our sociopathic traits (we are all sociopaths too), the further up you go.

Ayahuasca told me that we are all worthy of equal respect, but here in the physical realm where the ego is inescapable and spiritual evolution is our only goal – the spirit laws don’t apply here.  Only in death do they apply.

It’s all part of the game.

Growth and belief.  You grow and your perception widens – you’re able to understand more.  Expressing our value’s to others is a way for us to evolve.  You contribute nothing while placating and keeping your eyes shut.

This idea taken me to my own life.  My own growth process.

Up until, oh I don’t know…..YESTERDAY, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.  I didn’t know what made me truly happy.  Since I was a kid, I wanted and fantasized about every career under the sun.  Then I found my business which brought me direction and goals – but are my present goals really what my heart wants?

Rational brain – “You’re only happy when others are happy.”

Yeah but it’s not lasting.  It’s transient.  Who am I in-between those laughs?  Who am I when a friend carries with them a heavy heart?

Rational brain – “Everything is transient and meaningless.  Leave the in-between part for growth and possibilities.  Never cement yourself.

In the grand scope of things yes, life is transient and meaningless.  I agree that’s it’s improbable and unwise to be happy all of the time.  But It’s about having a foundation – one that is built upon seeing and experiencing my own potential….

A few hours later…..

DAmn I’m drunk.

I trained my new therapist, went to my brothers holiday party and then to a friends house and now I’m here at home drunk wanting to sleep.

I was onto something fierce before.  A good ol’ fashioned head squashing.  But now it’s 2 A.M and I want to watch Japanese anime like the freak-show that I am.  I’m eating left over steak.  Hunter X Hunter is the Japanese anime if you’re wondering.  I’m HOOKED.  I’m being completely honest here when I say this show is amazing.  Why the hell do I like this shit so much?  It’s not normal!  I don’t just like it, I LOVE it!

My brother had a holiday party at his spa tonight.  He had a party last year if you care to scroll back to read about it.  Here’s a pick of me and my folks:


I love these people more than words can explain.  I cradle their heads in my hands and kiss their cheeks every night wishing them a good-night before I head downstairs to my domicile.  I break out in cold sweats whenever my mother walks on icy terrain.  I cry silent tears when my father can’t write his own name with his shaking hand.

OMG I love my parents.  So much so that it hurts, you know?  It’s this side of me that’s both my weakness and my strength.  The side that I hide from everybody, but eventually I’m sure it leaks out and once it does, it’s viewed only as weakness.  Insurmountable love.  A sentimentality that stagnates and circles around like a little eddie.  Never to venture off into the blue unknown.  That’s what love is.  It’s the familiar, the net.  It’s what enables you.

Both weakness and strength…

Oh man, yesterdays epiphany was awesome but it’s gone now.  If I weren’t so busy earlier I could’ve captured the remnants of it.  But I leave tomorrow for Thailand so there’s no time.  I must post this unfinished thought.


So much left unsaid.

I went to visit my best friend in Minnesota for Thanksgiving last week.  Here’s a video to capture the moments.  Held safe here in my memory bank blog for all the world to see.

I’m so tired.  I’m leaving tomorrow at 2 A.M.  My computer screen is so bright.  I gotta get some zzzz….

It’s now the next day.  I’m beyond tired.  I was so hungover this morning and slept for about 4 hours before having to go to work to give a massage and hand out Christmas cards to my employee’s.  They each got $50 and the 3 girls working today all gave me big hugs and wished me well on my trip.

This trip feels destined.  Like I was never not meant to go.

I need to nap big time, finish packing, take a shower before I leave and that’s it.  Then it’ll mostly be video blogs for the next 36 days.

And so my hero’s journey continue’s….

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Wabi Sabi


wabi sabi


I’m going through a period of repose and it reminds me of the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi.  It touches on the three main buddhist teachings of impermanence, suffering, and emptiness.  I suffered, I changed, and what come’s next can be found in the emptiness.

When I go into repose, suffering no longer effects me, my past has passed, I let go and when a person let’s go – the emptiness shines through.  A new cycle begins.  A new direction.

I wrote about my two-seconds with emptiness and without going into too much detail all I can say is WOW.  Possibilities.  Infinite possibilities.

Sinshwan:  The only viable move is to not move.

That’s what I feel while in repose.  To not do anything until I gather enough faith to see it out.  To me personally, visualizing an outcome is in exact proportion to your faith.  Until I have a clear visual – sinshwan bitches.  Sinshwan till my little hearts content.

I’m now up to 121 members which means I’ll have an extra $1,000 added to my monthly budget.  I sent out one email promoting the membership deal and it sold 17 memberships.  My suffering can no longer affect me, I can take a deep breath – now I must incubate.

I am the picture of a working Wabi Sabi.

wabi sabi

I’m like grass.  I grow, I prosper, but just as I start to really reach, someone comes by swinging their big blade around and chops my head off.

In the meantime, the tall grass sits on their sunny perch looking down at me bowing their heads.  “Don’t reach too far Melanie.”  They all say.  At least not yet.  Not while your vision is still incubating.

I’ve been incubating all day and you know what?  There’s no place I’d rather be than here in my room.  Seriously, no place.

Which makes me wonder why exactly, am I going to Thailand for 5 weeks when I can see and learn all about it from here?  From the safety and comfort of home?

Oh yeah, emotional connections.  Learning through experience.  I can practice Wabi Sabi all I want when I get back, only this time aged and changed to fit my new scale of beauty.  A bit more ragged and refined.

Learning without having an emotional experience is like having two hands grow out of your heart trying to feel itself but never being able to.  Just like a blade of grass getting its head chopped off.  You’ll never see or understand anything.  You MUST experience it through emotions.

You must sit.  Then experience.  Than sit some more.  Each cycle is necessary.  Each cycle no matter how redundant it may feel like to you, is a necessary step.

Waitressing from the ages of 18 – 28, necessary.  Working at Massage Envy – necessary.  Working in my own little stink-hole office – necessary.  After each leap, there is a fall.  There is a period of rest.  Some leaps require more time to climb while some rests require more time to sit.

And with each new vision, the clarity of that vision is in exact proportion to how well you can clearly define yourself.  How well and how authentic your actions fit in with your truest intentions.  To know faith is to know yourself.  It’s no easy task.  Trust me, it taken 10 years of waitressing for me to realize what my truest intentions were;  To drink and be merry.  But as it is with all dreamers, I was never content.  I knew something was missing but I never sat still long enough to figure out what it was.  I was always being pulled either by friends, or an empty wallet.

In a few weeks my new therapist will work Tuesdays and Wednesdays which leaves Saturdays and Sundays as the only two days I have to work each week.  All clients during the week will be by request only.  In two – three months, I’ll have at least 150 members and once I reach 150 members, I can play out my vision.  My vision in which my little business will tip itself into success.  It starts with hiring a sixth employee to work my weekends.  I’ll be free.  Free enough to see even more visions.

When you take yourself out of stress, out of work, out of responsibilities, only then you’ll start to think clear.

If you’re broke, have no money – you’ll not think clear.  If you pity yourself, feel inferior, are jealous of others – you’ll not think clear.

Thinking clear means finding your faith and it feels a lot like falling in love.  You fall in love with your potential.  You see yourself plainly.  And if you don’t like what you see, you have the sight to see it and change it.

I’ve always been in love with myself.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve always loved myself.  I love who I am.  I don’t know what it’s like to feel any other way, so I can’t teach anyone to love themselves when I don’t know what it’s like not to.

But I do have high’s and low’s.  When a low hits, it’s because I stopped trusting myself.  I stopped seeing my potential.  My dreams remain in an untouched fantasy world and my head gets chopped off by people’s judgements along with my own self pity.  Waitressing for 10 years left me with a perpetual headless corpse of a dreamer unfulfilled.

But no matter what happens to me, I’ll always find my faith again.  Always.  I mean, that’s what faith is for, right?  Always being there?

People give up because they think it’s too late for them, or too much work, not enough reward.  Let me just tell you, from all my years as a headless corpse – follow you damn heart and quit ur bitchen.

And until you have a clear visual, sinshwan mutha fucka sinshwan.

Sinshwan is where the biggest changes happen.  As long as you know how to do it properly.  The way to do it is said in this post.  The totality of this post is the way into understanding transitional periods of incubation.  A real turning of the chapter, you know?

It’s hard for me to say that 10 years of my life can fit into one chapter.  But where there is no change, there is no need for incubation.  Where there is no heart, there is no mend.  Where there is no faith, there is no awareness of yourself.  And where there’s no awareness of yourself, there’s no reflection, no understanding, no conscious development.  Drink and be merry.  Stay busy.

What’s in my head is so freaking hard to put into words.  But I swear as if my life depends on it – authenticity and awareness of character is the center of courage, where it all begins.

Know your heart.

And my heart just so happens to be taking me to Thailand with a beautiful person in less than a month.

The ground evaporates under me and mists into cascading flowers floating all around.

That’s what it feels like to follows one’s own heart.



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Waiting for my key

I hired another person yesterday.  Can I pay this other person?  I don’t know.  But I desperately need her.

And that brings me up to 4 employee’s that I have to pay every other week.  A Latina, a Puerto Rican, a caucasian, and a half-black.  I’m technically a minority at my own business.  And because there were plenty of boring white people who applied, this is proof to myself that I’m definitely not a racist.  I haven’t hired an all black person yet, so there’s still a chance I might be.

I fork out over $2,000 a month to pay them.  It’s like I’m walking on glass right now.  Every step hurts.  But I can’t do it alone, I just can’t.

My Puerto Rican therapist just texted me that I have a beautiful soul.  White people don’t do that!  I told him he reminds me of myself because I’m a total schmoozer like him.

My Caucasian therapist is so up-tight that the only time I felt any sort of familiar bond with her was when we both laughed at one of my clients.

I had a client a few weeks ago.  A short plump woman who was all belly with skinny legs and arms, wearing a big tie-dye shirt.  She taken a huge shit in our bathroom just before her massage, and while I was massaging her, she kept nuzzling her head against me like she was a cat.  And then she taken another huge shit (leaving remnants) once her massage was over.

My Caucasian therapist who was working at the time, bursted out laughing.  And then I started laughing.  It was our one and only bond time and it was at the expense of someone else.

Gossiping / making fun of people has incredible bonding capabilities.

What if my minorities start ganging up on this minority (me)?


I have so much to write about.  An astronomical amount.  But I don’t know where to start.

Today is Monday, my day off.  I went to work earlier to meet with a woman from the Record Journal.  She’s trying to get me to buy into an online ad marketing program.  Not like Google ad-words, but those other ads you see that follow you around everywhere.  The ones that pop up on random sites that are targeted specifically to you.

It’s just more money that I have to spend, although the salesgirl didn’t call it “spending”, but investing.

I don’t have the words to describe how destitute I am.  If this keeps up, I’ll be bankrupt and out of work within months.

I foreseen getting myself into what I call “Groupon debt”.  Groupon debt is when you sell a bunch of online deals, get one lump sum of cash, spend that cash before redeeming all those online deals, and then you’re left with no money to pay your employee’s – no money, but still a shit load of clients who need massages.

Groupon debt…..

I’m not exactly there yet, but I can foresee it happening.  Even before opening my business, this was one possibility that I had no control over – one possibility that I had no plan for.  My plan for success revolved around having those clients re-book, but here we are going into our third month and still most (about 95%) of our clients are new.

In the meantime, my arms want to fall off.  They want to detach and clatter to the floor like hard brittle rocks.

When I’m playing receptionist, I answer phones sounding so mellow.  Mellow, efficient, zero stress or emotion in my voice.  It’s like I’m doing exactly what needs to be done despite everything – I’m giving myself no choice and because I’m giving myself no choice, I become emotionless.  I’m like a stereotypical massage therapist who’s akin to being a backdrop – a tool, a prop – a secondary character of no consequence.  Someone who does her job so perfectly adequate that she’s disregarded, an after-thought.  Thumbs up and great reviews though.

Where is my heart?

I’m questioning myself.  Just like my tarot reader said I would.  I went to see her weeks ago (I already wrote about it), and she told me there’s a key.  A key I’m waiting for that will open the doors of success.

“It could be a contract, it could be knowledge about a particular software, it could be a skill set, it’s not a big-picture sort of thing, it’s a very specific thing.  Credit with a proper bank….  One key factor that has to be there in order for you to start to… open the doors.”

Those were her exact words.  I recorded the session and I already listened to it more times than I’d like to admit.

I had no idea what she was referring to.  Not only did this “key” not apply to me, but it was the first time I questioned the validity of this specific tarot reader.  “Are they all scammers?”  I wondered.

But then it came.  The key she was talking about.  And yes it is very specific, and yes I’m waiting on it like it’s a matter of life and death.

I have a marketing idea that is so absolutely, irrefutably awesome, that I have no doubt it will work.  At least it should work.  Just enough to keep me out of Groupon debt at least.  If it works better than my realism advises, I’ll be out of this dreadful stress zone and possibly start living inside a fairy tale.

If my idea works, everything, my whole life and everything leading up to this moment, will indeed feel like a fairy tale.  It won’t be a fairy tale ending exactly, but a beautiful beginning.

I’m not going to give you the full details of my plan.  I’m fearful right now, and fearful people are extremely superstitious, so it’ll remain a secret.  All I can tell you is that I’m waiting on my stupid mass emailer provider to kick on.

(My tarot reader said it can be knowledge of a particular software!)

SpaBooker uses MailChimp as their main email provider.  I sign up with MailChimp through SpaBooker (because they are partners), and they allow me to send out mass emails to all my clients.  I have not heard back from them.  Waiting to hear back is like listening to teeth grinding.  The fate of my business (the fate of my fairy tale ending), rests upon the shoulders of MailChimp.

This is the part of my life where I’ll look back on and cringe.

“Oh you poor girl.  You made it through though!  You wouldn’t be this successful if it weren’t for these strength and faith building years.  You are a true hero.  Oh shit, I’m my own biggest hero.  I sound like a damn ego-centric narcissist.  Stop that right now you!”

That’s my future self talking.  Am I accurate future self?

I hath no patience.

And that’s where I am right now.  In this semi-surreal summer of waiting and hoping.

I have quite possibly an awesome post about faith vs hope, but I can’t write about it now.  I have too many buckets.  When I’m carrying too many buckets, I have to put certain writings aside.  They expel too much energy and require full brain capacity.  When I’m operating on full brain capacity, that means I’m utilizing only one bucket.

While I wait for my key to arrive, I’ll have to settle on half a brain, if that.

Maybe that’s why 90% of the population are ignoramuses.  We’re all just waiting.

My new employee works tomorrow from 10-3, which gives me my first real break since I started this business.

For rest periods I now have all day Monday, and Tuesday and Sunday afternoons.  Friday nights can also be blocked off because I have two therapists working.  I unblock myself when their schedules fill up.  Starting tomorrow, it will be the first week of having a little extra rest time.

I’m paying a high price not to be there, but you have to believe me when I say I can’t keep up working all those hours.  8 hands-on hours 6 days a week – it’s impossible.

And I’m so tired……so unbelievably tired and stressed and worried.  I can’t wait until that moment when I can put it all down – all those buckets.  Like I’m returning home, to a safe place. Coming around full circle only to bring back treasure in the end.

Be strong Mel.  You’ve got this!

A client came in the other day with certificates of sponsorship.  He’s sponsoring a child from the Philippines.  I’m offering free massages to anyone who sponsors a child – and I do it happily!  That’s the crazy part.  I don’t enjoy manual labor, but I enjoy it when clients do this.  So if anything, if I completely fail at owning a business, at least I got to save a few kids before going down with the ship.



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