I’m writing to you from LAX. I can’t remember if I ever been to this airport. I’m always asleep for layovers.
My trip began at 3:30AM and now the time is 3:38PM. At around 11AM my employee texted me telling me the power was out and she cancelled her clients for the day.
I still have two more flights ahead of me. TWO Mother fucking flights bitches TWO!
I’m starting to doze off. I didn’t sleep last night because, well, I can never sleep before a trip when I have to wake up early. Today is Thursday at 3:40PM and the last time I slept was yesterday when I woke up at 11AM.
I’m so freaking tired. I look like death. I just reapplied my deodorant and I did it while sitting here on the floor by my gate. LAX is one of the most confusing airports I had to navigate. There’s no map anywhere! You’re forced out of the plane into unfamiliar territory and you have no idea where your next gate is.
Gate 52 for instance, isn’t just gate 52. It’s gate 52-A! And then there is gate 52B and then C and D and so on and so forth. There weren’t any signs for the shuttle busses to take you to these gates. It was just a dude standing outside next to a bus waving people in, he looked like Stevie Wonder – my first famous person I saw in LA!
I thought of so many blog idea’s today. I kept saying to myself, “If only I can pull out my laptop right now, I’d go to town!” But now here I am in LAX with free wifi and no excuses not to blog.
I forgot all but one blog idea and that is……Crotch moisture.
Crotch moisture? Seriously?
What the hell is happening down there?
I went on a bunch of long flights before, so long that it makes this day look like patty-cake. And I NEVER experienced this before. I mean WTF man…
It felt like swamp thing invaded my pants and made a puddle. But when I went to the bathroom, there was no wet spot at all, only moisture. Like, A LOT of moisture.
Does this have anything to do with gaining 40 or 50 lbs?
Oh God I want my e-cig so bad.
After I got off the shuttle, I went back inside the airport and they wouldn’t let me back out.
Guy guarding the door – “Where you going Miss?”
Me – “Outside to vape my ecig.”
Guy – “I’m so sorry, that’s not allowed.”
I longingly look over his shoulder. The day beautiful and bright. So close. Why?
My brain gets super wacky when sleep deprived. This morning I was leering at some young guy eating a bag of chex mix.
Me thinking – “Why Chex Mix? What can I learn about this man by knowing he likes Chex Mix?”
After a few seconds I concluded that he was a player, the opposite of a serial monogamist. The guy likes variety and doesn’t like to be tied down to just one thing.
As for me, I’d rather go with Doritos. I know exactly what I’m getting, there’s no favoritism at stake, each bite is as uniform as the last.
Chex Mix seems complicated. Too much drama.
Wow, LAX is disorganized. They changed my gate 3 times now. It was 52G, then 52A, and now it’s 52H. Nobody told us either, we all just meandered away from the gate like a slack-jawed grazing herd of humanoids.
My eyes are like glass orbs of swirling pink mist.
CONVERSATIONS WITH MELANIE
The following is real-life thoughts I had today while at the airport.
“Wow, that woman has a huge bag of almonds. I sure wish I can eat almonds like her. But they make me feel like I might shit and not shit at the same time, just hover over the toilet waiting…..waiting…..”
” Hello hottie asian man. I bet you’re Japanese with your angular face and muscular lithe build. Hair done up in a top-knot. Oh yeah, gotta be Japanese. He looks like a Samurai! Why do I like asians so much? ‘Because you have a thing for Bruce Lee and appreciate their culture’. Right….right….”
I can’t think of anymore. These conversations aren’t as entertaining as I thought. I had a bunch of them earlier, but turns out they’re not blog worthy.
Oh God I’m tired. Do I have to poop? Sun of a bitch when is this plane getting here?
Anyhow, I’m definitely going to Italy in May. I got suckered into it and I’m sorta freaking out a little.
My friend texted me – “Should I book the hotel for Italy? It’s $390 for 5 nights.”
Me – “Yeah book it!”
Every time I booked a hotel online, I never had to pay at the time of booking. I paid once I got at the hotel, not before. They hold the room with a credit card and if you end up canceling, they charge you a small cancellation fee.
My friend – “Okay it’s paid for. You can pay us after Alaska.”
Me – “You bought it now? Usually you just hold the room with a credit card.”
My friend – “We paid in full through Orbitz.”
Me – “Oh.”
I am one ratty looking mother fucker. It’s now 5PM Cheshire time. 2:00 LA time. 20 minutes late to boarding time.
What else can I tell you?
I guess I can circle back and talk about the crotch moisture again. Where does it come from? Yes I was holding my pee in a little, I supposed a few drops could’ve escaped me. But what’s weird is that there were no discernible drops of dew, just an all-around feeling of dampness. And the type of pants I’m wearing are the kind that don’t hide wetness. I’m wearing tan hiking pants, you know the kind. They’re really thin and breathable. I’m going to wear my thermal long-underwear once I’m there.
I’m waiting to go to Seattle, Washington. That’s my next stop. Then onto Anchorage.
I bought that video game, Horizon Zero Dawn. I stayed up all friggin night playing it. It’s everything I expected it would be.
Yesterday my electric fireplace decided to break down at work and my therapist with the skin problem went to the hospital and won’t be back in for at least a week.
My receptionist is starting to realize what it is I go through. Everyday is some new nightmare.
“What new hell will today bring?”
Have you ever felt clear and light? Like, put together really well, neat, not a hot mess?
I felt it the other day. A simplicity of thought that I haven’t experienced since I was 2. I felt it as I was navigating the mall for my video game and two meats one side at Panda Express.
For one day, I felt intact, unencumbered, clear. Clear and clean is the best description. Until that is, yesterday happened. It all fell apart a day before I leave for Alaska.
I”m horrible. I’m looking at an obese lady and wishing in my head she’s not my seat-mate.
You don’t understand….airplanes are getting smaller and people are getting bigger. I just had an American Airlines flight on one of their new planes and discovered it’s noticeably smaller than it’s ancestors. They only have one woman’s room and one men’s room. The middle isle is for mosquito-sized humanoids. You have to leap-frog over each other in order to pass.
1243 words in this post. It’s 2:25 LA time and I have no clue what’s going on. Did I miss my plane?
What else can I write about?
I don’t feel like writing anymore. I want to find a secluded corner so I can vape. But it’s not going to happen. Too many people and we’re finally boarding! Thank God!
This is a quick flight, one movie kind of flight. Small plane, filling fast. got to go.