Tag Archives: journal

4 Days Until Camino

I leave for my trip in T minus 4 days.

My mind is in shambles.  I’m laying here in bed – so unbelievably fucking comfortable you have no idea.  I’m warm, I’m fed, I’m loved, my life is grand and wonderful these days; I’ve even spoken with my lawyer today about the lawsuit and he says the whole case is stupid.  Literally, he called it stupid.

Him – “It’s a straight forward simple case.  You did nothing wrong and there was no way to prevent any of it from happening.  If I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.  You’ll be fine.”

I’ve never had a lawyer before and I’m sure they all say things like “it’ll be just fine” or “don’t worry about it” to their clients but in my case, it rings true.  There were literally no precautions or warning signs that I missed or could’ve foreshadowed.  It was all a roll of the dice.  Shit luck.

This was the first time he told me not to worry though.  Thanks buddy, you could’ve told me that sooner.  Before my mental breakdown and going through the 5 stages of grief hundreds of times over.

Anyhow, I’m truly loving my bed right now.  Oh God I love it.  I love Netflix.  I love doing nothing and this time of night (11pm) is the time I can get away with doing nothing.  I have a big plate of nothing all to myself.

So why’s my mind in shambles?

I had a long-ass summer.  It ended with me having to house sit two dogs and a cat for 10 days.  I just got home, when was it?  Yesterday?  I don’t know.  But during those 10 days I was up at the ass crack of dawn letting those dogs out to pee.  And at night, they had to sleep with me.  They taken up the whole bed to where I was sleeping horizontal on the mattress.  I’d wake up in the morning cranky as hell.  They’d wake me up with a paw to the face.

Both dogs like to lick.  They lick your face, your pants, your eyeballs, inside your mouth….etc.  One day as I was exiting the shower, I walked over to the bed where my clothes lay spewed out everywhere and there were the dogs on the bed with my clothes.  Both of them, at the same time, decided to lick my naked nipples.  Each of my nipples had a dog attached to it.

I felt so grossed out, I felt violated.  I just wanted to get dressed.  That’s all that I wanted.  But instead, there I was cold, wet, and had two dogs sucking at my teats.

I love home.  I love it so freaking much.  I want to stay here and hunker down for a while.  I want to be alone in a bunker.  But this can’t be, it’s not in the stars.  I leave in 4 days to go someplace opposite of being home, comfortable, well fed and feeling stunningly fantastic.  I’m going on a 35 day torture hike across Spain to lose weight.  To lose weight!  So I’m not one of the first to go during the zombie apocalypse.  I’d be able to run goddammit.

Whoever says it’s fun is full of shit.

I think I need to see a therapist.  I have a few friends who see therapists, so why shouldn’t I?  The major issue’s I want to address is my laziness and my lack of caring what people think of me.

Now, most people would say that that’s wonderful – it’s great and liberating to not care what others think but they’re wrong.  So way off the mark wrong.

Firstly, I don’t engage with people anymore.  I don’t care enough to engage with them.  I don’t care enough to, well, care about them.  Why?  Because I was a huge engager in the past and everyday the more I engaged, the more people expected it.  At the end of the day, none of it mattered.  No matter what I did, it was never permanently good enough and when it was good enough, the next day I had to be even better.

I went the other way.  It’s not that I don’t care exactly, it’s more like I stopped trying.  I don’t try with people anymore.  My office manager pointed this out to me last night over a few pints.  I pointed it out to myself about a month or so ago.

As far as the laziness goes…..”how the hell can you be lazy and walk across Spain then?”  Is what you’re thinking.  The thing with that is, laziness is a privilege.  Laziness is not just about laying around, it’s a mind-set.  It’s a mind-set of complete and utter ease.  No worries.  No responsibilities.  Just freedom of all problems.

My type of laziness, the kind I’m talking about, it’s my personal drug of choice.  And it’s addicting as hell.  It’s better than anything else out there on the market.  Not even beer can hold a candle to it.

Basically, I can’t be both fat and lazy.  They cancel each other out.  I won’t feel completely at ease again until I lose at least 25 pounds.  Hence, the Camino and why I have to walk it (again).

If everyone experienced the same type of laziness that I experience, everyone in the world would be their own boss, have a clean conscience and stay healthy.  Having a clean conscience also affects how well I can rest and relax.  All vexes must be aired out and all foibles on my part must be atoned for.

Delicious laziness to extreem.  Extreem power resting.  Angelic homeostasis.  Until I start trying with people and it all goes to shit when it’s never enough.  Best to stay under the radar.

I’d tell these things to my shrink but what good will it do?

Does everyone experience the same type of lazy bliss?  The same natural habitat of my resting mind?  It’s my home base.  The place I can always return to once all else is settled.  To take my bra off and let the pups lick my nips….no.  That’s disgusting.

But you know what I mean?  A place where I can’t be hurt.  Not by myself nor by any others.

I don’t think people grasp it the same way I do.  They either don’t get it or decided to live a lie – a lie they reason with as being their only viable option.

I downloaded 18 audiobooks for my 500 mile journey.  If the actual walk doesn’t change me, I’m sure one of those books will.  My goal is to want to try again with people.  But this time, I’ll make it enough for me and not care if it’s not enough for them.  That’ll be my emotional goal this time around but my main focus is losing 25 pounds.

I don’t need a therapist, just give me a pen and paper.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under All about me, camino de santiago, journal, random thoughts, Self help, Travel

Day Off Ramble

What came first, the stomach or the mouth?

Without the stomach, we wouldn’t need a mouth and without a mouth, there wouldn’t be need for a stomach.

Thinking about this makes me want to nap.

It’s my day off and I was going to go hiking, run some errands, install a shelf, call a friend, and sit at the coffee house to blog but instead, I’m laying in bed.  The worlds number one most laziest girl.

I’m on a tight budget for the next few weeks, or month.  It’s July 18th and I have $3,800 in the bank.  $2000 of it goes towards paying my workers, $1675 for rent, Geico, verizon, and Amazon credit card are all still due ($400 roughly) and that leaves me with negative $275.  I can easily make $275, but my property taxes are also due ($300), so I need to make at least $575 by the end of the month.

It’s totally doable, no question about it.  It’s just that I hate this.  My quarterly taxes were due this month, last month my employee’s got paid three times instead of two, and all my groupon money went towards paying off my debt.

I mean, the business is doing fine, really.  If I didn’t have debt, I’d have $17,000 more in the bank than I do right now, possibly more.  But I couldn’t pay off any chunks of it last month or this month, it’s at a standstill yet again.

But I have plans, as always.  Plans that don’t require a gamble like pricey marketing scams or adding facials to the menu.  I lost a lot of money through gambles.  No, just simple marketing by handing out coupons to new clients.

I’m starting a new type of membership program, one where clients don’t have to get charged every month.  As long as they come in once a month, they can get the membership rate.

Our members don’t come in every month, so there’s a mass ton of massages we have to give and the money I received from these massages is long spent.  Adding more members is not the solution for this business, but clients who pay at the time of their visit is.

I like the coupon idea.  It’ll actually save us money and hassle in the long run.  There are equal pro’s and con’s to each membership program and I’m putting the choice in the clients hands on what to do.

Vista Print will ship the coupons out in a week or so and when I get them, I’m going to sell a few groupons to get new clients in here to see how well this idea works.

Anyway, my Alaskan trip was great.  My host, the guy who paid for half my ticket, I didn’t know him all that well before the trip but he really opened up this time.  Spending a week with anybody can do this.  He relaxed and felt comfortable and talked to me like one of his good buddies.  That’s exactly how I want everyone to talk to me.  It’s about truth and honesty.

Guys are definitely easier to get along with than girls.  Girls don’t relax like guys do, or let down their guards.  We evolved into being manipulative due to our lack of strength and dependance.

*********************

I read an article about how to increase grey matter in the brain and it said to play an instrument, play video games (um, yes!), learn a new language, play chess….etc.

I downloaded an app for chess and learned how to play.

I thought chess was only for intelligent people but it turns out to be just like any other game I played.  I thought it would be too difficult to be addicting but no, it’s not difficult and it IS very addicting.  It’s no different than playing spider solitaire which I had a HUGE addiction to and had to delete the game.

I’ve been playing every chance I get.  In-between clients, while watching tv.  On my phone or on my laptop.

That’s what I’ve been doing instead of blogging.  Playing chess.

But I can actually feel a difference in my brain.  It’s becoming more calculating.

Most of what we do is automaton.  Our brains are involuntarily digesting food, pumping oxygen to our toes, hearing and viewing the outside world.  Allowing habits to form so they too can become involuntary.

I believe the only time we actually use our heads is when we’re actively learning.  Problem solving is a form of learning.  Communicating is not always a form of learning and can also become habitual.  We don’t really listen to each other because we assume we already know what the other is saying.  And like with any habit (tough to break), can be nearly impossible getting through to some people.

Our brains are turned off for most of the day.  That’s pretty crazy, right?

But since I started playing chess, it’s like a juggernaut.  I want more.  Like why does an explosion happen when you split the nucleus of an atom?  Why isn’t there any radiation in Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

(I’m reading a WWII novel)

But…….

“Learning” can also become habitual.  When you don’t really understand an answer, you give up on it.  It’s too much trouble.  In essence, you teach yourself how to not learn anything and by doing this, blocks form in your head.

Some people can’t understand the simplest of concepts due to these blocks.

Stupidity can only be taught by the person doing the teaching, and we can only teach ourselves.  Real teachers are only guides, we ultimately teach ourselves.  There should be a class on how to learn.

******************

Why I think angry people are stupid people…

I got angry the other day at a client scamming our business.

I never get angry, so when it happened, I jumped at the opportunity to analyze it.

I felt threatened.  That’s all it came down to.

Anger, broken down to it’s simplest form, is about feeling threatened.  A feeling that you can’t beat the other person.  You can’t win at their game.  Sometimes the opponent is yourself (not being good at anything, feeling like a loser).

Whether it be your ego, your value, your personality being threatened, ideals or beliefs, or your peace of mind (happens when you get annoyed), anger manifests.

The amount of anger you feel is in relation to the amount of worry, or lack of control you have over the situation.  The more hopeless, the angrier you get.  The anger makes you feel powerful enough so you can beat your opponent, but in actuality it does little but cloud your perception of truth.

Perhaps phobia’s are a form of anger?  I’ll get to that later….

That’s why some people can’t handle debating.  If they are unequipped (stupid), they’ll get angry because they can’t formulate their argument, they can’t sway you.  They’d rather shut down and tell you to “go fuck yourself”, than to deal with facing their own inadequacies and holes in their belief system.

Denial is a river of stupidity forever openly flowing.

It happens when you make blocks in your head by being too lazy (or too busy) to understand an answer, so you make assumptions to replace understanding.  Hence the holes in your belief system.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, where was I?  Oh yeah, my client made me angry.  Almost the trembling kind (that’s the worst).

I analyzed it and at the heart of it, I felt she was threatening my business.

Now, in the past, as most of you know, I had a bad run of it.  My business wheels were crumbling on the road to failure.  The feelings I went through during that disastrous time left an imprint, a wordless feeling, ominous.  Anything, or any person who threatens my business hooks me back up to that ominous emotion I felt during the time my business was falling apart.

While I no longer should feel threatened, things are okay now, I still have that emotional imprint.  Like you remember how burlap feels rough on your skin, you can remember how you felt when your life was shattering.  It’s always there and you can never forget.

As soon as I realized she can’t hurt my business, my anger released.  And I mean the instant I realized this.  I still felt the physical residue of anger, the heightened blood pressure and adrenaline, but I told myself those are only the physical symptoms and will soon go away.

It’s hard getting rid of emotion while your physical body wants to hold onto it.  You may have found your answer, but you still feel upset.  You think nothing has been solved, so you cycle through it again until you fall asleep and wake up the next day feeling great.  It’s all just stress hormones.

Angry people can’t separate the past from the present.  They are constantly being tied back in.  The older they get, the more shit they go through, the angrier and more hopeless they become.  Every little nuance, the smallest of troubles, can become mole hills.

The worst of these angry people put up brain blocks by not taking the time to understand something, so they taught themselves how to be stupid.  They assume too much, filling in the holes with an already shotty belief system.  They can’t debate.  Can’t face truth.  They’re angry and half the time don’t know why.

They have the potential to be smart, so on the outside they might seem fine, but with all the blocks and assumptions, or even just being tied into past emotions, it’s a recipe for anger.

Maybe angry people aren’t stupid, but they’re weak.  They don’t believe they have all the power.

***********************

In other news, I made an appointment to get laser hair removal done on my face.  On my upper lip and under my chin.  I bought a whole package of them through the barter network.

Before I go under the laser, I can’t pluck or wax my hair.  There needs to be stubble.  So I’m giving myself one month of no plucking to make sure every little hair follicle is at the surface ready to be zapped.  The med spa said I’m allowed to shave though…..

It’s incredibly hard not to pluck.  I habitually rub my face up and down throughout the day checking for any stubble and when I find something, I pluck it out and it feels so good.  The thicker and darker the hair, the better it feels when I pull it out.  I look forward to my nightly pluckings.

But wow, to see them all growing together like this, I really am a hairy beast girl.  I didn’t shave yesterday and it looked like I had a five o’clock shadow.  If I don’t shave my face, I’m habitually rubbing my stubble.  The temptation to pluck is incalculable.

My appointment is August 1st, I’m only on day 18.  18 days of no plucking.  And I probably can’t pluck until the last laser treatment is done.

If it actually works, I’ll never have to worry again about what I look like while taking one of my wacky treks through unknown lands.  I’ll not need my mirror.

*******************

It’s now 5:30pm, I safely made it though most of the day by lounging.  I didn’t have any work emergencies thank god.  But I missed my window for a nap.  I think I shall play chess and watch Limits of Perception on Amazon prime.

I’m a dorky, weird, hairy lazy beast girl who writes 1800 words “just for fun”.  And I recently beat my video game, that’s another reason why I’m blogging today.

I think the stomach came first.

Oh, I was going to write about how phobia’s are connected to anger…..

Anger is more like a battle, you can either win or lose against your opponent.  Anger is not resolved.

Phobia’s are what happens after you lost the battle.  Not only have you lost, but years later, those scars still remain.  Triggers can hook you up directly to emotions of the past.

How do you explain an aerophobic person who never flew in a plane before?  It’s tied in with something else, an entirely different past experience.  Different experience, but same emotion.

Phobia’s are unresolved battles that you’ve lost.  The more you panic, the more hopelessness you feel.  The physical response of reliving and retrieving stress hormones from the past only exacerbates the matter.  Your body can’t relax no matter how calm your senses.  It’s autoimmune, first response.  Emotion comes before thought.  You’re caught in the grip of panic without knowing what’s causing it.  And when you realize, it’s too late.  Your body refuses to cooperate with reasoning.

*******************

Holy crap listen to this…..I’m watching Limits of Perception and you want to hear something cool?

When the earth starts heating up for whatever reason, don’t know the reason due to chaos theory, the earth metabolizes itself and you want to know how?  Oceans start getting warmer, plankton produce and multiply faster in warm water and plankton produces a molecule called DMS.  DMS causes water to condense into droplets, making clouds brighter and shinier to reflect the suns heat back into space.  These juiced up water droplets end up cooling the earth.

Plankton, a micro-organism, saves us from extinction every time a heat wave strikes.

And these little guys love the sun, but their own love of the sun causes clouds to appear.  It’s sort of an analogy for letting go.  If you hold on too tight, keeping watch and waiting (wading in the water like plankton), the sun will never appear.

Shit, I think I’m done for today.  I should probably eat something.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

“Atman is Brahman” and I Fired an Employee! All in todays topic of Melanieslifeonline

I’m beyond prostrated.  Debilitated, wasted, spent, and bleary-eyed.

I’ve been running around jagged this month and even got myself an exhaustion head cold.

Yesterday I fired an employee for driving me crazy.

img_3884

img_3885

img_3886

img_3887

That stuff she wrote about not being able to change her schedule is bullshit.  And I never picked up or stolen her hours – I don’t want to work!  I haven’t been on the schedule for probably a year now.  She is literally crazy and delusional and I mean that in kind, not being mean here.

It felt good firing her though, ain’t gonna lie.  She texted me every 5 minutes since she started working for me and honestly I’m surprised I let her stay for as long as I did.  She called one of my favorite clients evil!  She openly admitted to stealing from her other job!  Not to mention clients don’t like her, my employee’s don’t like her.

She’s an indépendant contractor, so I don’t have to worry about any repercussions.

Today is my first day off in what feels like forever.  A day off where I have nothing planned.  A day off where I don’t have paperwork or “to do” lists.  These are the days I live for and hopefully in time, will be all that is left.

I’ve been sitting on a blog post for a while now.  One that I wanted to write about so bad but couldn’t find the time.

After I ate that psychedelic taffy, I went on a hippie forum to investigate other people’s experience with the “oneness” and read a post from a man who mentioned “Atman is Brahman.”

It’s Hindu, of course.  The closest religion to truth.

Atman is another word for soul.  We all have an Atman including animals and plants.

Brahman is “world soul” or “cosmic soul.”  Basically, what we think God is.  It is timeless, eternal, omniscient, and controls the show.

Hindu’s believe that Atman is Brahman.  They are indistinguishable.  But our individual selves can be sheathed in a veil, one that see’s hatred, envy, and fear.  We separate ourselves from the divine, and not the other way around.  Most organized religions separate us from the divine as a way to label and judge lesser people, or “evil” people.  Without those evil people, saints wouldn’t exist.  And without that separation, religions would be less permissible to kill for their beliefs.

The Us vs Them mentality makes us feel united and protected in an extended family of peers that share the same belief.  To stave off feeling alone and meaningless.

But with Hindu, they greet others with Namaste which means “the divine in me recognized the divine in you.”

My grandpa used to live in a cottage in Rhode Island and his neighbors are basically like family to us.  One of his neighbors has a son that my brother hung out with yesterday.  This man has DMT, the god molecule or whatever they’re calling it.  He smoked it and was taken out of his body (the son, not my brother).  But I think this is my next step into learning more.  I need to meet this guy.  According to my bro, me and him make a good match.  The guy sounds exactly like me.

I’m not looking to date, but I’m definitely interested in what he’s peddling.

“Atman is Brahman” is exactly what I experienced with the taffy.  I always intuitively known it to be true, but this was the first time I really understood it.  On an experience kind of level.

Why is all this stuff important to me?  I’ve always searched for answers since I was a kid and never understood how anyone can go about their lives, living day to day without knowing what the point is.

Me as a child – “You work and live in a box with other people working and living in boxes next to you.  Why?  Don’t you care why?”

It scared me that they didn’t care.  I understood that they were just too busy to care.  I promised myself at a young age to never get trapped.  I know it sounds like bullshit, but I swear to the gods that I remember it like yesterday.  “Never get trapped Mel, don’t become them.”

Okay, enough on that.  Explaining to you why I am how I am is not important and makes for a shitty read.

Superpositions

I love superpositions!  I first learned about them when I was 18 and attempted to read “An Elegant Universe” by Brian Green.  I had to read it over and over again because my brain couldn’t comprehend it.

Basically, any subatomic particle such as photons, electrons and atoms, exist in a superposition state until they are witnessed.  The “witnessing” is called Decoherence.  And Superposition means to exist in all possible infinite locations at the same time.

Basically the world acts crazy while you’re not watching it but as soon as you turn around to look, it goes back to normal.  Like the toys in Toy Story 2.

Is it only human conscious that can decohere particles or can machines do it to?  Apparently machines can also do it, which means our world can still exist if the AI’s in Battlestar Gallactica win.  Physical reality won’t disintegrate and fly off into space as long as machines are here to decohere the subatomic particles.

Which makes me wonder, if Atman really is Brahman, how can machines possess our unique ability to measure the unmeasurable?  Shouldn’t that just be the Atman’s job?  Or should we factor in the superposition of time itself?  If time is superimposed, maybe it knew we were watching the whole time, or will watch it?

Or we can approach this a bit more scientifically and note that these machines, in order to detect and measure a superimposed particle, has to bounce photons off the wave particle thereby breaking down its wave function and rendering it to particle form.  So, both humans and machines can decohere probable objects into spacetime reality.

There’s another cool example about superpositioned particles…..

If you have two identical particles that were nurtured in identical environments and then try to measure them, they won’t be identical anymore.  Because they existed in the smeared superposition world of empty possibilities, when measured, they were forced to become, to “choose”(if you will), one thing to be.  Even though they should’ve been identical, they weren’t.  They had to make a choice to become something.

Which enforces my theorem of all of us having a choice.  We are not a product of our environment.  But if subatomic particles can choose to be something, than is there a limit on what can possess an atman?  Can individual subatomic particles also contain their very own atman?  Albeit tiny and obscure?  If so, why?

It’s like looking into a fractal, you know?  There’s the Brahman, the big guy, then when you zoom in and keep going down and down, you see all the little facets getting smaller and smaller, never ending.  It that the Atman?  Never ending?  If so, where am I?  Is it like a pyramid scheme?  All the little subatomic Atmans obeying me?  Not being in existence without me viewing them?  But then again, I wouldn’t be in existence without them either.  If this really is a fractal world we’re in, I’m made up of those tiny Atmans.

It’s fun to think about this stuff on my day off.  But I’m running out of steam and thinking about grabbing something to eat and spending the rest of the day in front of my video game.

But I do have to say, particles and waves are like people.  Particle people see what’s there while wave people see the possibilities.  Hokey?  Yeah, I thought so too.  But if you combine the two, magic happens.

I thought up an excellent idea for a new book.  It’s called “When God Visits a Shrink…”  It’s about a regular guy who goes to a shrink after winning the lotto because he’s suffering from delusions of grandeur and is scared that his thoughts alone can wreak havoc on the world.  He’s becoming paranoid and panicked.  He’s diagnosed with solipsism syndrome, but as the story progresses, I’ll include all my philosophical idea’s that I learned from ayahuasca and the pot taffy.  And it’ll read like one of my debates with Rational Brain.

There’s an old iconic philosopher, I forgot who, Socrates or Plato or one of them guys, who said the best way into philosophizing is through debate.  The best idea’s are brought forth in a question and answer format.  The idea of God going to a shrink is the perfect scenario for one of these types of discussions!  I’m really juiced up about it.

My parents just came home.  It’s 4PM and I’m laying in bed in my pajama’s.  They brought home chicken.  Yum chicken!  I haven’t eaten all day.

Anyway, Trat Tvam Asi and all that jazz, I really need to zone for the rest of the day with my big bucket of chicken and game controller.

At first I was curious.  Curious to know more about reality and why we’re here, but now I’m just trying to get one up on the universe, you know?  Now that I got a glimpse of it.  If I had more days like this, once I get my fill of relaxing and laying about, and write my fill of the garbage that’s in my head – I want to one up the universe.  Experience a little slice of magic.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant

A Letter to My Landlord

Old woman wanting a gift certificate – “I want to buy a gift certificate, what do you offer here?”

Me – “We do facials and massage.  Here’s a brochure.”

Old woman – “What kind of massage?”

Me – “Just a general massage, swedish or deep tissue, whatever the client needs.”

Old woman – “What kind of massage?”

Oh god……

Me – “We only have one type of massage.”

Old woman – “Yes but what is it?”

Me – “Nothing fancy, just a regular massage.  When people say they’re going to get a massage, that’s where we come in.  We give the massage.”

My esthetician gets up and hides in her facial room pretending to be engrossed in her cell phone.

Old woman – “What’s ray-kee?”

She’s reading through the brochure.

Me – “It’s healing energy.  The practitioner sends healing energy to the client using their hands.”

Old woman – “What is it?  Is it a machine?”

Me – “No, not a machine.”

Old woman – “What room do you do the massage in?  That one?”

She arbitrarily points to the middle room.

Me – “We alternate.  Which ever room is open we use.”

She wanted to buy a gift certificate for her daughter that comes here.  I sold her a $100 gift cert so her daughter can spend it on whatever she wants.

I’m sitting in work.  It’s December 19th and people usually come in unannounced wanting to buy gift certificates.

It’s now December 22.

God I miss blogging.  My life is passing by and I’ll never remember any of it.

I was watching The Last Man on Earth the other day and realized that I would still blog if I was the only person left alive.  If not blog, than keep a regular journal since there would be no internet.

But it’s hard to blog now that I have employee’s who talk to me in-between clients and if I’m not in-between clients, I do other things.  And I vowed never to blog at night due to the insomnia it causes.

Subject change.

I’m loving Christmas.  I mean I LOVE Christmas now more than ever.  Why?  Because of all the damn gift certificate I’m selling.  I sold more of them last year, about $1500 more, but because of what happened last summer, we’re nowhere near to what I should be selling.

But I’m thankful for what we did sell.

My current landlord is giving me a hard time about leaving.  I’m trying to leave a month early and get out of paying rent for the last month on accounts of being a good tenant.  It doesn’t hurt to ask, right?  He agreed to allow me to pay a portion of what I owe, not the whole thing.  But he was a hard-ass about it, saying that I’m finagling my way out of paying out of convenience and not because I’m hard-up.  And he was trying to talk me into staying there indefinitely.  His email was cold and scathed in overt professionalism while I on the other hand wrote him this:  (It’s really long so you can skip over it.)

“I promise I wasn’t asking to leave early out of sheer convenience. I have literally $2000 in my bank account which covers next months rent, but doesn’t cover paying my employee’s 3 times this month. Twice a year they get paid three times a month instead of two. I just figured there would be no harm in asking to be let out early, that’s all.

I’ll lay everything out for you so you understand exactly where I’m at right now.

A few months ago I found this really phenomenal location that comes with a washer & dryer already installed, a facial room, 3 massage rooms and two bathrooms for $500 cheaper in rent. But what’s most important about this new location is the sign. I’ve been approved to have my very own sign, 5 feet wide by 3 feet tall to be placed on a very visible spot in downtown Cheshire. Literally every person in town will see this sign. Not just drive by it unnoticed, but actually see it.

I wanted to snatch this place up before anyone else did. I found it at the end of october and went through the whole process of getting a permit for it which is a lengthy ordeal, but I was fine waiting since my lease wasn’t up until spring. I literally just got approved the day before I asked you to let me out early.

I know exactly what went wrong with the business. I never should have rented the two rooms upstairs, hired an esthetician, let my broken armed therapist answer phones 30 hours a week while she recovered and I definitely never should have hired Anthony to replace her (we lost over half our income because of him). I never should have sold so many groupons. Groupon paid me $3000 a month but now that they’re not paying me anymore, and I still have to somehow massage all these people, basically all the money I made from the business is gone. But they expire next month so I’ll be fine as long as I can make it into next month.

Washing sheets is killing me. I have to lug them to the laundromat and then lug them upstairs to be folded because there’s no other place to do it. I can’t wait for this washer and dryer.

And when it’s super cold out, those windows in the office are like air conditioners when you stand by them. Cold just seeps on through like nothing is there blocking it and we can hear every word said outside like the person is in the room with us. Some guy was talking about anal beads outside the window the other day. And one of the landscapers has a dirty mouth always yelling and swearing.

So I was thinking, I can pay January’s rent, you keep my security deposit for February’s rent, so all you’d be losing is March, plus the $650 for upstairs because the upstairs lease doesn’t end until May, so I guess I’ll owe you $2600 when all’s said and done. If at any chance you can somehow decrease that number, that would help me out a ton. I’ll still probably end up going bankrupt, but it’ll be a chance for me to start new again without making all the mistakes I did this first time around. I’d actually have money right now if not for those mistakes.

Honestly, this move is imperative. My livelihood revolves around this move. There’s too many pro’s and not enough cons in this move. The signage, $500 cheaper, washer and dryer, two bathrooms, a room with a sink for facials, new windows, quieter, no stairs, approved by zoning, getting away from the stigma Anthony caused (a HUGE reason just by itself).

Now I just have to figure out how to finish up my lease without having any bad blood between us. I completely laid everything out for you, my decision to move and what’s in my checking account. I’ll have more money in my checking account once the groupons expire. And I’m very curious to see how well the new location works out with its huge engraved wooden sign out front.

I would’ve waited after my lease was up to move, but I started breaking out in hot sweats thinking about my business being sued over Anthony and decided I needed to act as soon as possible before he’s convicted. I jumped the gun a month or two in advance to save my hide. And even without the Anthony incident, it’s still a good move regardless. He just greased the wheels. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be moving.

It’s absolutely crazy that I’m going through all this crap. I mean it’s nuts! I see a light at the end of the tunnel but I have to go through leaps and bounds to reach it. There’s always an obstacle to overcome. When does it end?

Anyway, I’ll find a way to pay you your money. It’s $2600. Not enough to go crazy over, but not little enough for me not to feel it. It’s not that I don’t want to pay you, but more like I literally can’t. At least, not right now. With the groupons expiring, and moving to a more visible location, I’ll have more wiggle room. I promise you I have no money and this is definitely not a convenience thing. It’s a “I’m sinking fast and need to do something” kind of thing. It’s anything but convenient. I haven’t bullshitted you with anything I swear.

But I’m confident this move will improve my financial situation drastically and I’ll be able to pay you once I’m out. I’ll be able to pay you because potential clients won’t actually be afraid to come to the new place.

I don’t have much say in how much you’d be willing to take off the $2600, it’s all dependent on what you’re willing to part with. But I was a pretty good tenant, wouldn’t you say? I always had that check for you by the first of every month and it never bounced, and I was good to the other tenants and to you and to Debbie. I didn’t destroy the place and I kept it clean. No nicks on the walls or stains on the carpets. I even rented the upstairs when nobody else did. I’m really hoping you weren’t planning on keeping my security deposit from the beginning because of some stipulation I wasn’t aware of.

I’m just in a pickle man, that’s all. But I’ll absolutely do what I can!

Sorry, I like to write long emails. I do it with my employee’s too. They usually like reading them.

Take your time thinking about how much I’ll owe you after January. Especially think about it on Christmas, that’s usually the best time to think about things like this. Something about that holiday brings clarity. Like on the movies the Christmas Carol and it’s a wonderful life, those people had clarity.

Anyway, I should get some sleep.

Melanie

Ps: I just wanted to remind you that I’m not bullshitting. Absolutely no bullshitting. Not convenient. Absolutely not convenient.”

I’m clearly not professional, I’m too human for that nonsense.  The crumby thing about being a massage therapist is the professionalism.  Clients don’t come back if you’re not professional.  So much of my personality has lifted away these past 10 years from being something that I’m not.

I made a video last time I washed sheets.  It was during a time when my heart was sinking due to the shit ton of money I’ll be needing.

I’m okay now, no sinking feeling.  It’s just that I caught myself in that video having one of my “episodes.”  It doesn’t happen very often anymore because of my “fuck this shit I don’t care anymore” attitude, but now and again I get a glimpse into the fear of losing it all.  Something about having a camera in my face drums up all the crap I keep locked away.  Making eye contact with the camera especially drums it up.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, rant, video's

The Continuum of Candy Crush

I was watching Continuum the other day, the episode where Kiera freaks out and threatens an asshole cop, her CPS turned itself off and the android counselor appeared to evaluate her emotional stability.

You – “And he threatened to wipe her memories that triggered the emotional outburst?”

Yeah, that one!

She traveled back in time from the year 2077 and left her son in the future.  It was his birthday that day, and she wasn’t in the mood for shit.  The android counselor had to make a decision to extract the memory of her son if she didn’t find a way to get past her emotions.

Her solution was as follows (not word for word, or even close to being word for word):

Kiera – “I’m okay now.  I know what I have to do.  I have to accept that I may never see him again.  I might never be able to go home again.  I have to accept that.  I can hope to see him again, but I have to accept the worst.”

And the android disappeared and her CPS was turned back on.

This is the exact same thing that happened with my business.  I didn’t want to accept the worst.  I didn’t want to accept my business closing down and having to file bankruptcy.   But I learned on my own, after gut-wrenching pain, that accepting the worst is the only way out of it.  This is what it means to face your fears.  You can’t beat them, you’ll never be able to beat them, you just have to accept them.  Accept the shit out of them until they disappear.

This is incredibly cathartic.  It’s healing potential should not be over-looked and I’m stoked that they put it in a TV show.

Anyway, the last 3 days of my life were stolen away by none other than candy crush.  I had to delete it from my phone today.

Each level, no matter how impossible it seemed to be, was beaten.  This kept happening over and over again until I realized, “I can beat every stinking level of this stupid game and for what?  What’s the point?”

Video games are different.  There’s a story-line, amazing graphics, and a clear ending.  With Candy crush, there IS no ending.  And they purposely made it addicting by using the skinner box method.

Scientists found that a small rodent trapped in a box that has to push a lever for food will learn to push it for food.  But it will only push it when it’s hungry. But if the button randomly gives out food, the small rodent begins to push that button much much more…even when it’s not hungry, because there is now a random reward.

I went on YouTube to find out what’s at the end of candy crush and it says nothing, only “to be continued.”  There’s no bells, whistles or fireworks, just “to be continued….”

I downloaded the game about 4 days ago and it taken my life away.  I didn’t write, didn’t paint, visit friends, go out – I did nothing but sit here feeding my ever fatting face with mom’s homemade comfort food.  All for the rush of an explosion and several cascading moments of candy crushing bliss.

When the game wouldn’t let me pass on to the next level until a certain amount of time passed, I went back and tried to make all my levels 3 stars.  I never seemed to run out of lives.  Facebook people kept handing them out like, um, candy!

Anyway, the saga has ended.  I will not be playing anymore phone games aside from sim city.  It’s not too addicting and I can’t do a damn thing with it until I’ve collected enough tax to buy my mass transit.

With all my new free time, I’m going to write a book.  I mean it this time.  The idea popped in my head yesterday and I’m itching to go to the coffee shop and start writing it.  I already have all the resources, the experience, and stories.

It’s going to be about how to open up your own Massage business.  It sounds boring and extremely targeted to a select group of people, but I’m going to make it into a funny memoir of my attempts.  I’m going to start writing it now and by the time it’s almost finished, it’ll be around the same time I’ll be in the profit zone again.  So it can end on a happy note.

I already have my prologue written out here.  Of course I’ll tweak a few things, and possibly throw in other stuff from posts around that time.  I can’t believe it’s been almost four years since then.  I NEVER would have expected that I’d be the boss of 8 people and running my own place.  Especially since I wanted to get out of the business.

I never liked massage….

I washed sheets yesterday and made a video.  I’ll post it but it’s long and boring.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, video's

The Writing Curse

god

I try to be saintly, I try to be good

I act how most people think that I should.

So what’s with this shit?

Oh God up above

Giving me no breaks,

Showing no love

 

The dead bitch represents the crap that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I never actually blamed god for any of it, but I’m going to start.  It feels really good to blame him.  It’s empowering.

During my ayahuasca trip, she told me that god was real but not real.  She also stated that I am god.

Schroedinger’s cat just popped in my head.  Why?  Maybe I am the cat (god) who is getting radioactive poisoning, and I am both alive and dead at the same time (real but not real)?

Sorry, that doesn’t make any sense but maybe I’ll come back to it later……

What I learned from ayahuasca is that we are 100% responsible for how we live our lives.  God won’t help or save us.

She also told me that karma whittles down our ego’s until we are left with nothing but perfect belief in god.

So basically, I’m supposed to believe in myself.  Not only that, but to know with absolute certainty that I can succeed at anything.  Not just believe, but know for a fact.  It’s the kind of knowing that know’s no language, know’s no words.  Your thoughts must leave its vessel.

But they don’t leave.  They never leave.  And because they never leave, we’ll always be a dead radioactive cat – unawakened.

Not making sense again?  What-ev’s…

Your brain uses 20% of your daily caloric intake despite it being only 2% of your body’s weight.  It works harder than your heart.  The heart uses one watt of energy while the brain slurps up 12.

Why am I telling you this?

Where the hell does all that energy go when it’s a rule that energy can’t be created or destroyed?

The bulk of it is used to transfer data from one neuron to the next, and the rest is used for clean-up so you won’t have a stroke.

But once the data gets transferred to its designated neuron, what happens to the energy then?  If it can’t be destroyed?  We obviously don’t recycle it because we keep stuffing our faces.

So, WTF man?

I probably wrote about this before, many times I bet, but I’ll say it again – thoughts are non-local smeared data packets that are faster than the speed of light thereby feeding into the oneness, the collective mass-consciousness of the universe.

Prayers work, but what or whom are we praying to?

Oh man I really want to sink in and write about this.  I mean really dig my fat fingers in but it’s already 11:30 Pm.

Plants can detect danger before it happens.  I watched a Netflix documentary about plants and how they respond before having a limb cut off.

That’s irrefutable PROOF!  Evidence of precognition in plants.  Plants don’t have thoughts, but you don’t need thoughts when working with the “emptiness” of nirvana.

At the University of Nevada, researcher Dean Radin has demonstrated that this also occurs in humans moments before seeing a frightful image.

One’s future affects his past.

There was another study done about train wrecks.  Statistics say that trains bound for crash tend to have a large sum of its regular passengers missing that day.  As in, they coincidentally stayed home or chose a different mode of transportation.

Next time you get on a plane or train with hardly any passengers on it, think twice about leaving on it.

The post I wrote the other day, the one where I wanted my future self to send me a prayer, really got me thinking what if?  What if I can?

Many physicists believe that all possibilities occur simultaneously in non-local spacetime.  They’re all  happening in an infinite array of dimensions.  I seen this demonstrated in the documentary What The Bleep.  Also it’s mathematically proven with Schrodingers cat which I learned about from An Elegant Universe by Brain Greene.  I was 19 or 20 when I read it.

I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a LONG time.

What if all those hundreds of people who stayed home instead of boarding a train doomed to crash, stayed home because their future self in a parallel dimension told them to?

Future self – “Oh man I wished I stayed home today.”

Present self – “I think I’ll stay home.”

I never regretted anything in my life before opening up this business and making so many freaking mistakes.  I want a do-over.  But since only my past self in a parallel dimension will trust her instincts better than I did, I can’t have a do-over.  But what I can have is the intention of never making the same mistake twice – or even new mistakes once.

From here on out I’m trusting my gut.  I’m going to start sending prayers to not just my past self, but future self too.  Starting tonight.  Right now.

What info do you have for me future self?

Okay, weird.

She’s still telling me to wait.  Just wait and see.  Don’t give up.  It’ll work itself out.

**************

Sometimes to help me fall asleep, I watch the screen behind my closed eyelids and wait for images appear.

These images make no sense at all.  Sometimes they are a perfect geometric shape, but other times I get images of a door, the carpet of a floor, a pair of scissors – I forgot what else because I usually fall asleep seconds after seeing these images.  Very rarely do I remember what they are.

These images aren’t a dream.  They’re not in color, they’re just outlines but are very textured and palpable like I can reach out and touch them.

Anyway, I’m going to do that tonight.  Look for images.  I’ll look for key items that can help me with my business.

Winning lotto numbers actually.  I’ll be looking for winning numbers if you want to know the truth.  Sent to me by my future self wanting to see if this experiment actually works.  Although, she won’t know if it works or not.  Not unless….oh, forget it.

This is what happens when you mix desperation and spirituality with a person who loves metaphysics and science fiction.

But anyway, ayahuasca told me that I was a martyr but I have the choice to opt out.

I’m opting out.  I’m done with this shit, you hear me god?  Done done done.

HOlY SHiT!  I just remembered my original topic to this post!

I scrolled up and was about to re-read, edit, and publish this shit but then I read my original title for this post, The Writing Curse.

Ugh, okay, I’ll sum up my thought.  It’s getting really late and I need to sleep dammit.

Basically, when you write your life, you tend to go back and re-read your old posts/entries.  Re-living horrific events all over again.  So I came up with a theory that writers who write their life are more prone to misery.

Why is this?  Because of the feedback loop I mentioned earlier.  Your future self affects your past.

In essence, if your future self believes that their past was shitty, than their present self (now) will feel shitty.  However, if their future self looks back and see’s their past as fun, than their present self will have fun.

Certain events and festivities will be more fun and memorable than others simply because your future self looked back on them and reminisced.

For writers, if this theory is true, will have horrible ups and downs for no apparent reason.  Their shitty times will be extraordinarily shitty while their good times will be grandiose.  And what would’ve been a grandiose time will turn shitty for no apparent reason.  Simply because we looked back on it while in a sour mood and analyzed the piss out of it.

The past is never forgotten for writers and we always compare then from now.  We can’t stop re-reading.

Just in case this is true, I’m shifting my perspective on both my past and my present as being triumphing.  I am triumphing.

And I need to write about the good in my life and stop transfixing on the bad.  If I transfix on the bad, my future self will feed into it by remembering how bad it was only to make it worse than it has to be.

I will happily endure a hard life rather than live a life forgettable, but if I can make it a little less miserable, it’s worth a shot.  And okay, a very long shot.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

Satori

I had a thought today while I massaged one of my weekly clients.

I was pondering, as always, why this bad thing happened to my business and I realized that it coincided with two things that I wanted but didn’t have the guts to do.

Before this horrendous incident occurred, I was having money issues (as usual), and wanted to drop an employee.  Especially since my broken armed therapist started taking clients again, I didn’t need so many people on the schedule.

As soon as the police arrived at our door, bam, extra employee fired.

And for years now (dog years), I wanted to cease all Groupon sales but was too scared to do so in fear that my employee’s wouldn’t have enough clients and boom, Groupon no longer sells our deals.  Not until February at least.

Two things that I thought about often, very often actually, happened.  Two things that I wanted most at that time.

And then I had another thought;  you can either react and do things compulsory out of fear, or you can do things out of bravery.  You can tell the two apart because the latter (acting out of bravery), is a choice.

Acting out of fear leads you down a long line of coincidental events that may seem harmless at the time, but karma orchestrates the whole thing.  Every time you choose control and safety over trusting your strength and courage, you lose.

I started my business out of bravery, but the way I manage it is laced in fear.

How can you tell when you’re acting out of fear and not bravery?  If whatever you’re doing is to escape and avoid, to take and not give, to control and not trust or respect, you’re acting out of fear.

I should have laid off my extra employee when my therapists arm healed – I had the inkling to do so and he was only hired temporarily to fill in for her in the first place.

I should have stopped all Groupon sales when I had the money to do so.  Now I’m buried in clients and have no money to pay my staff to massage them (groupon debt).

I shouldn’t of hired the man to replace my broken armed therapist so I wouldn’t have to give massages myself.

Taking not giving, that’s why I hired him.  Escape and avoidance.

And I chose safety, not bravery, by continuing to sell cheap massages online.

You really do receive everything that you wish for, but karma makes it happen in unwanted ways.

boss

I’m the boss giving the orders.  A taker, not a giver.

I thought I was following my heart.  I thought that if I created a business that allowed me my freedom (and finances) to pursue my real goals, then I’d be following my heart, you know?

Groupon…..The thing that started my success may potentially be the thing that destroys it.

All because I didn’t know when to let go of it.  I got greedy.  I got greedy, then I got scared.

The lazy choice is never the right choice.

Always remember to never say Always and Never.

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore……

What I did was wrong.  Being the absentee boss, shirking responsibility, being a whiny bitch not wanting to massage loyal clients who LOVE me – not even for one hour a day.

Hero’s don’t ever complain, they get up everyday and do what needs doing.  They’re real men (figuratively speaking).

Everything’s about to change.

When I worked at my old business, when it was just me working in that little stink hole office, I cherished every single one of my clients as though they were the last client on earth.  I gave and gave and gave some more.  The only thing that kept me going was knowing that it was only temporary – to sell a bunch of Groupons in order to get my name out there and once I have my loyal clientele, I can rest.

I had virtually no fear when I worked in my little stink hole office.  And since opening my other business, I had nothing but.

I totally get it now.  All this happened because I didn’t want to work anymore.  I didn’t want to give.  I wanted to boss, not lead.

Goddamned universe.

I am being forced into a position of leadership, not boss-manship.  The universe is literally forcing it upon me.

We had 16 clients today and we made over $300 which isn’t a bad day.  I massaged 3 of those 16 and I gave to them my all, just like when I was at my stink-hole office.  And I actually had energy!  I NEVER have energy when I’m in work but lately I’ve been cranked up.

********************

I’ve been sponsoring a little Philippino boy for a few years now and received an email today asking me to come volunteer at a church in Waterbury to help rally up sponsors.  It’s only for 2 days, and they never asked me before, so I said sure, why not?

I’m planning on donating massages to anyone who signs up to sponsor a child – this will cost me hundreds of dollars, but I don’t care.  I can also massage these people myself which will cost me nothing but time.

I mean think about it – just think!  One hour of my life can make a difference on whether or not a child get’s fed every month.  Not just the child, but it can feed the whole family!

I also remembered how to truly let go in order for the law of attraction to work.  I’ll have to hit satori, zen, emptiness, whatever you want to call it.  I’ll have to kill my ego which is virtually impossible since it’s tied to this body.

I hit satori a few times, for 2 seconds each time, and all seemed possible, but impossible to explain in words.  It was a 2-second window into seeing reality.

I didn’t experience emptiness when I was under ayahuasca, but she told me about my ego and it’s purpose and how nobody’s ever free of it – if they are, it grows back.

She told me if I were to receive everything I want, I’ll have to let everything go and I can only let everything go if I kill my ego.

It’s a double edged sword because once you’re immersed in satori, you don’t care about receiving anything.  You want for nothing.  So in a round-about way, you really do receive what you want during the time of your satori because you don’t want a damn thing.

Satori cancels everything out and what you’re left with is emptiness which is actually filled with possibilities – again, this is impossible to explain.

But I can combat ego with giving.  “Giving is everything” is what ayahuasca kept telling me.  And it has all to do with leading, not bossing.

By picturing in your head exactly what you want, all your choices and actions will lead you down the path of bravery.

Just like satori, I can feel for 2-seconds at a time, a heat rise in my chest recruiting purpose and direction.  All led by giving.  I can see it so perfectly – too perfectly that it fleets away in two seconds flat.

I know I sound crazy, I know.  But I’ve been speaking this way since I was a tot.

In my next post I want to write about acceptance of others.  I would’ve done it tonight but I completely forgot about it.  It’s a different story.

Leave a comment

Filed under philosophy, Self help

Letters to Myself

My blog stats dropped drastically after my blogging hiatus last year.  I haven’t done anything to boost them up to where they used to be.

I’m thankful for the decline.  I literally exhaled today when I opened my laptop and looked at my stats.

In the meantime, my other website, my business’s website, has been receiving a steady 90 views per hour.

Why 90 views an hour?  I can not tell you.  I can’t even tell you here on my anonymous blog that gets 25 hits a day.  It’s not even classified as a blog, just letters to myself really.  A way to journal by saving money on notebooks and my hand no longer cramps up.

But since this is technically a public blog, and it’s at least 5 years old now with well over 800 posts, I can’t afford to let it get in the hands of the media.  Not now, not ever.

So, I can’t tell you what’s going on with my business, and I can’t tell you why it’s gone viral, but I can tell you this:  Everything’s going to be okay.

Even if it’s not okay, it’ll still be okay.

Before all this started, I didn’t want to write about my business anymore because it was all depressing shit, and the same shit over and over.  So I started keeping a separate post, just for my eyes only.

The following is an excerpt from my unpublished post.  I started writing it on August 7th 2015:

I’m not going to write anymore she says. I don’t want to write about morose things anymore she says. And what am I doing? The very next day?

I went to bed late last night. I’m still transfixed on the Divergent trilogy and wanted to look up the author to find out who she is.

She’s 23 with 3 worldwide best-selling books under her belt.

I was inspired. So greatly inspired! But then I watched her interview on YouTube and realized just how smart she is. She’s freaking smart and talks like she’s 40. My inspiration waned because it doesn’t count if she’s smart.

I started listening to her third book again, Allegiant, as my bedtime story last night. But I had no idea what she was talking about so I had to listen to her second book, Insurgent, to refresh my memory.

I fell asleep to it and my phone woke me up around 9 AM – no way I was getting out of bed yet – so I rewound the book to chapter one and listened to it again.

I laid my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes.

My dream began.

I was in a small sea-side town, a war broke out and people were scrambling.  Heaps of garbage lay everywhere.  All I wanted to do was clean but as soon as I started, everyone else chimed in and got it done before I even began.

It’s funny because everyone was either hiding or making plans of attack and there I was wanting to clean the place up.

I went outside our base camp and that’s when I became lucid.  I found myself on a Mars-like planet.  The sky was red, the ground, a hard tan colored clay.  I was completely alone but that didn’t matter.  I was struck by the beauty of the landscape. Especially a mountain in the far off distance – it was kaleidoscopic, as though it was painted by hand.

Me – “Wow, this is in my brain!  It’s so beautiful!”

I fell with my back to the ground – not sure how I got there but I didn’t care. I relaxed on my back and continued gazing up at the mountain. But then it started to shift, become blurry, and in it’s haze it made me remember about my business and the trouble I’m in.

I closed my eyes and started rolling. I wasn’t on a hill or anything, but my body acted on it’s own and wanted to roll. So I let it. It was rhythmic and somewhat relaxing until that is, I rolled into a pool of water. I opened my eyes to see the surface getting further and further away.

Me – “You can breathe, remember? This is all just a dream.”

I remained relaxed and limply floated down until the velocity of my decent picked up.  I was getting sucked down fast.  I wanted to test my strength and resurface but the darkness had a tremendous pull on me.

I couldn’t do it.  There was a gravity pulling me down.  Just like ayahuasca said – fear is gravity and will pull you down.  It was exactly that.

But I was lucid, I could breathe, I wasn’t that afraid, so I didn’t understand why. Why couldn’t I fight it?  That’s when I woke up.  But I didn’t want to wake up, not just yet – I had to beat it!  But I was already able to hear the narrator of Insurgent.  It was too late.

***************

When owning a business, each year that passes feels like dog years.  One year equates to seven in my time.  Thailand is a distant memory, I walked the Camino when I was a spritely innocent child.

Last winter was the longest season of my life, and this summers molasses is still sticking to my clock.

I had that dream before all this bad stuff happened.  No matter how brave, no matter how much fear I lacked, I was still brought down.

Why?  What am I missing?

How do I let go without giving up?  How do I let go without having to accept a dreaded ending?

I feel calm, defeated, but calm.  Not depressed.  I’m oddly aloof.  Everyone has been giving me condolences as if someone close to me died.

I’m embarking on the roughest patch yet of my hero’s journey.  I just wish I knew what to do.

And so my dearest Melanie, if you’re still around to read this when all this has passed, does it finally make sense now?  Why all this happened?  If so, can you send me the answers via prayer and transcend space-time?  Please do it now, don’t wait because I know you’ll forget.  Do it with a candle please.

Okay, I’m getting the message to wait.  To just wait and see.

Ugh, even the future Mel is a lazy asshole.  I can’t even send myself a decent prayer message.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

MelAnus

I’m thinking about changing my name to MelAnus.  It’s close enough to Melanie so my parents won’t care too much.  And once it’s changed, I’ll switch the name of my blog to MelAnus Discharge.  Pretty cool, huh?  Thought of it meself.  Actually thought of it as I was typing it.

Because, well, let’s be honest here.  What I spew into my blog is no different then relaxing my bowels but man I tell you what, I enjoy both.

Enough small talk, I wanted to share with you my epiphany I had earlier.

I thought long and hard (while relaxing my bowels) about my curious “innocent” nature and it has nothing to do with me trying to cover up a demon – I love my demon actually, and recently wrote about him.

Cool guy.

No, I’m not actually innocent.  I’m stupid!  People mistake my stupidity for innocence which only means that those people are just as stupid as I am.

I’m glad I got that off my chest.  Acknowledging and accepting my stupidity makes me feel closer to inching my way onto one of the more specialized secular branches of the category tree.  I have fellow brothers and sisters who will laugh beside me and hold my hand – I am not alone.

And maybe I am fearless, but it’s only because I’m stupid – I don’t think, only do.  MelAnus do do.  It all makes sense now.

It makes me feel so much better by knowing myself.  Like finally getting a diagnosis for a horrendous rash on your genitals.  The itch will now stop.

So yes, I am playing spa owner.  Not because I want to enrich the lives in my community, but because I want to be rich and not have to work.

Okay, other than that, last night I hit my peak of fear and today I woke up bright-eyed and chipper thanks to my buoyant nature or what some like to call, being bi-polor.

Why was I at the height of my fear?  Have you ever owned a business?

Let me break it down for you, when your business starts siphoning money from an already depleted well, you’re going to hear a sucking sound.  And that sucking sound will follow you around everywhere you go.  Every thought that you have, every loose dollar you spend.

“I think I’ll get a dunkin iced coffee today!  Oh wait….”  Suck suck suck.  Your chest caves in.

You may not believe me, but it’s like going through a bad breakup, or a divorce – your heart smolders in satanic ashes, you breathe like you only have a quarter of your lung capacity left.

Nothing else matters.  All else is nonsense.

You basically lose yourself.  You lose yourself to the environment that you placed yourself in.

When you lose yourself, there is no joy there.  But on the flip side, others may feel that when they “lose” themselves, they’re free.  They’re at their happiest.  But they haven’t actually lost themselves per se, no, they found themselves.

As a proud member of the Stupid category, I’m adequately happy pretty much all of the time.  I let loose and I’m able to be myself – I’m not one that gives a fuck (just watch me dance).  What I’m trying to say is that I found out who I was a very long time ago but the seriousness of the world sucked it out.

It made me feel insecure, unsafe, unwanted.  I’m not “professional” or “responsible” is what I hear.  The world can do that people.  To just about everyone.

And now with my business hanging on the brink, it pushes me further away.

When you’re being yourself, you live in the moment.  I know this for a fact and not just by listening to the Power of Now but I’ve lived this way for years!  That is, before I started to “grow up”.

Everyone’s got it wrong.  Don’t ever grow up.

I’m a believer in choice.  Ayahuasca told me there is ALWAYS a choice.  And with this belief, comes answers.  Where there’s a choice, there is always an answer.

I woke up today happy because I remembered that there’s always an answer.  You only have to believe and do everything it takes and I mean everything.

Shit takes its toll.  Worse than going in circles over the GW bridge (which is one of my humiliating traditions).

When you see the answer, bam, you’re back to your normal self.  But sometimes you see your answer and it doesn’t register right away.  It may take a while until you fully see it.

“No no that’s too outlandish, it will never work.”  Then you sit on it for a while and you wake up one day and say, “That’s it!  Why have I waited so long?!”

Perhaps you have to be your normal self in order to see your unique answer?

What is my normal self?  Well, I forgot for a long time who I was until I recently remembered that I’m part stupid.

How do you know who your normal self is?

Okay, I figured out how to do this and I’m sure it’s different for everyone so I made it into a one question quiz.  For me personally, the answer was stupidity – this answer frees me.  For you it might be something completely different.

Okay, here’s the first and only question:  What are you most afraid of?

And I don’t mean bears or zombies, no, I mean, what are you afraid of being?  Right at this very moment?

This is a tricky question because I don’t want you to get confused with consequences or end result answers like, “I’m afraid of being alone.”

Being alone is an end result answer, not a present moment way of being.  Or, “I’m afraid of living with regrets” , “I’m afraid of being poor”,”I’m afraid of not being a good provider.”

Those are all end result stuff, future stuff.  I mean your quirks, your secret personality defects, your flaws – the really good stuff.

By finding out exactly what you’re afraid of being and then committing yourself to becoming what you’re afraid of then guess what happens?  The fear of it completely dissolves and what you’re left with is your pure untainted identity.

By accepting my stupidity and sharing it with others, I’m completely free.

When I smoke pot around people, depending on who I’m with, I can see these types of fears in others.  I can see how it holds people back, causes them to manipulate, get offended, skirt the truth – I see it!

The way out is in.  It’s to embrace.  If you don’t believe me, you’ll just have to trust me on it.

Rational Brain – “What about rapists, pedophiles, or people with an urge to kill?  You want them to embrace their weaknesses?”

That’s not who they really are, it’s more like a compulsion they have, or a need.  Like smoking cigarettes or doing drugs, it satisfies a craving.  It’s a brain problem.

Rational Brain – “You have a bullshit answer for everything, don’t you?”

It’s not bullshit, I read an article.  It’s actually really sad.

But anyway, that’s how you find yourself.  By finding out what you’re afraid of being and becoming it by choice.  If you don’t do it by choice, it will happen without your choice and I promise you it WILL happen.

And if you do this correctly, you don’t actually become your fear.  You eliminate it.  And by eliminating it, nothing holds you back anymore.  You’d be fully present and I’d be able to smoke pot around you.

I guess it’s hard to explain.

It’s 1AM and I told myself I was going to exercise tomorrow before work.  I have to friggin sleep.

Before I go, I just want to say that I don’t think I’ll be blogging for a while.  At least, not until I whip my business back into shape.  I just hate writing the same morose things over and over again.  I hate whining.

You want to hear something disgusting?  I saved my dental floss!  I flossed my teeth with it and put it aside for next time.  Where is it?  Oh, I think it’s on the floor now.  Okay, I’ll throw it out.  But I just wanted to demonstrate to you just how much in the dog house I am.

MelAnus weeps.

My mom today gave me toothpaste, toilet paper, shampoo, and socks.

Me – “Thank you for these gifts!”

And I really REALLY meant it.

“I won’t have to darn my socks this winter!”

I can’t believe I wrote so much.  All I wanted to tell you was that I’m going to take a break from writing for a while.

To wrap things up, I just want to reiterate that living in the present moment requires you to eliminate all fear.  Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power of Now, tells you to live presently and your fears will wash away by themselves, but I like my way better.  My way of confronting your fear is better.  If you don’t confront it, you’ll have no awareness of it and soon enough you’ll become that what you hate most.

My brain works swiftly when I’m in the present.  I’m less jumpy and I feel smarter.  Almost impenetrable, like nobody has any negative affect on me whatsoever.

I miss that feeling.

How do I get it back?  Two ways in conjunction:  By remembering there is always a choice and because a choice exists, I will find an answer.  And secondly, by embracing what it is I’m afraid to be.

MelAnus is done discharging for tonight.

Leave a comment

Filed under All about me, humor, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

What to Do What to do

I’m finding myself with more and more free time these days, although, I’m broke so it’s not like I can do anything or go anywhere (which is fine by me), and I still get a few sporadic clients who request me during the week so I can’t make plans easily even if I do only work one hour a day.

Which is fine by me since I’m broke anyhow.

And when I do have a client, let’s say at 6 o’lock in the evening, I spend the whole day being cranky in anticipation of massaging that one client.  I wake up late out of spite, I watch anime to help me feel better, ignore the world around me and sulk until 6 o’clock when I massage that one client.  Then I return home in exhaustion and watch even more anime.

Here’s a list of Japanese words I learned:

Sigoy – Awesome

Itadakimasu – let’s eat

Kaza – Mother

Doza – Father

jawnney – see you later

Yadayada – God help us

Hello – Kinichiwa

Thank you – Arigoto

Sorry – Komenesai

Good Morning – Ohio

Stupid – Baka

Don’t you know – dattebayo

Nanee – What?!

(Spelling doesn’t count)

I’ll update this list as my vocabulary grows.  I practice speaking them with my Japanese client.

Today was one of those precarious days where I had no clients.  All I had to do was charge my member clients and pick up a sheet of vinyl at either an art store or hardware store for our shirodhara treatments (so the oil can drip down into the copper vessel without getting everywhere).  I ended up at an art store and after finding exactly what I needed, I picked up a pair of large googly eyes and velcro’d them to the hood of my car.

“There, that’s better.”

On my ride home I wondered to myself, “now what?”  “No money, I feel too defeated to want to call anyone, what do I do with myself?”

I can’t concentrate on more than one thing at a time.  That’s why it’s imperative for me to have a To Do List to avoid getting overwhelmed, but what if there’s nothing left for me to do?  At least, nothing more I can do for today, anyway.

There are two things that I have my heart set on accomplishing:

1)  My art idea (which is such an awesome idea that I must keep it a secret)

2)  My book

Since I can only focus on one thing at a time, I must choose only one of these things.  After much deliberation, I chose to focus on my book.  Mainly because my art idea costs far too much money at this moment.

I found my main character, Frankie (short for Frances), she’s abnormally tall and thin with frizzy red hair, an overbite, horrible rosacea and acne.  She lacks intelligence and has no major talents or qualities that stand out other than being tall and ugly.

That’s my main character, Frankie.  I laugh just thinking about her.  I picked the name Frankie because my Gramps, Dad, and brother are all named Francis and it means “The Free One.”  It’s kind of perfect for the story.

Normally during downtime such as this, I’d be playing a video game.  But thanks to my financial status, I can’t afford one.

Anyway, I’m going to focus on my book and by doing so, I must *read* books.  But I gotta say I feel a bit guilty for laying around listening to audiobooks all day.  Can this truly be productive?

Frankie – “Productive is what productive does is what momma always said.”

You think you’d be a good protagonist?

Frankie – “I don’t know, you gave me such a big over-bite that I’d probably be better off eating apples or opening beer bottles with my teeth all day.”

I’m glad you can laugh at yourself.

Frankie – “I’m not laughing, I’m pissed!  You make me sound like a brain defunct Carrot Top!”

Oh god, my protagonist already hates me…..

Frankie – “You called me ugly!”

Pipe down!  You’re a fictional character in my head.

Frankie – “But you have to treat me like a 3-dementional being with thoughts and feelings in order to pull off writing a compelling novel.”

You’re not really stupid, are you?

Frankie – “People only think that because I look stupid.”

Shut up before I give you a Mike Tyson Lisp.

Maybe a fiery redhead isn’t the best idea here…..

After I get done with my book of the month, I’m going to listen to book one of Harry Potter.  I never read book one and I need pointers on writing in third-person format which JK nails.

I better hop to it – laying around listening to audio books!  At least I can go for a hike or rollerblade too while I’m at it.

You know, in an askew way, my blog is like a To Do list.  It makes me feel like I’m in control.  Anyway, I can’t really explain it, but I like to keep everything in one place and having a blog does that.

Frankie – “How do you think the unthinkable?”

How?

Frankie – “With an itheburg!”

I didn’t actually give you a Mike Tyson lisp.  You can stop that.

Frankie – “You know what a good idea for a story is?”

What?

Frankie – “What we’re doing right now.  Having a dialog like this.  Then you’ll start putting me in weird situations to form somewhat of a plot, and I don’t like the weird situations so I tell you off.”

And?

Frankie – “The more I tell you off, the angrier you get.  So you get back at me by putting me in an even worse situation than before.”

Where’s the plot though?

Frankie – “I find the writer who’s writing YOU!”

Huh, that is kind of a cool idea.  Holy shit, did I just come up with that or did you?

Frankie – “HellOOoo, I’m a 3-dementional character, remember?  I came up with it.”

My mind is fully scrambled.

1 Comment

Filed under All about me, humor, journal