Tag Archives: Ikea

Following my unexplored heart

Life is certainly bizarre.  I could’ve settled into my one-room office doing everything myself, building a 401K, paying off my bills, eventually saving enough for a house.  Get married, double my income, pop out a few kids.

But instead I’m choosing the scarier, more unexplored option by following my heart.

I would’ve been miserable in that other, more stagnant life.  I know what I want, and I don’t want that.

Anytime a person follows their heart, it moves them towards progress.  And while in the act of progressing, you WILL suffer.  It’s all part of the game.  It’s all part of growth.  The suffering that takes place is all done in your own mind.  A rewiring of old beliefs to make room for the new.  You’ll doubt yourself, worry, suffer loss.  Any type of change you face, has to do with also facing some type of loss.

It’s the loss that makes you suffer.

I’m losing the ground beneath my feet and investing everything I have into following my heart.  And I’m doing it all without a mentor, a guide, a Dumbledore to tell me what to do.

Do you have any idea how much an employee actually costs?

I have to pay:

  1. Employer portion of Social Security tax
  2. Employer portion of Medicare tax
  3. State unemployment tax
  4. Federal unemployment tax
  5. Worker compensation insurance

Plus I still have to figure out about liability insurance.  Massage therapists come equipped with their own, but I’m not sure if I need more.  I can’t find this information anywhere!  And I searched my towns website for a general business license, but I can’t figure out how to get my hands on one.  Maybe I don’t need one?  Legal Zoom has a company that says they can get me one for $100, but they might be scammers.  Legal Zoom also offered to obtain an EIN for me for $79, even though it’s free and easy to do yourself.  Research such as this is the stuff I have to learn on my own.  And it’s time consuming.

Before I buy anything, I always do my research.  Just as I did while hunting for a new car.

When I get home from work today, I have to sign my business up with federal unemployment tax and workmen’s comp.  Tomorrow I have a Spa Booker online training seminar at 3:00 and the phone and internet guys are scheduled to come to the office between 1:00 – 3:00.  I have four applicants waiting to hear back from me, a shit ton of Ikea crap that needs to be put together.  My new website has yet to be built.

My deadline is March 31.  If I can be done by March 31, I can leave my old office.  Once I’m moved into my new office and my clients start going there instead, I’ll be somewhat settled.  The transition will near its completion.

I was a live wire of emotion yesterday.  Any cruel look or comment could’ve sent me into a crying frenzy.  Mostly from the Facebook haters.  They really did a number on me.  It’s insane how cruel and hopeless the world feels after getting the shit kicked out of you by 70 plus people.  How everything, and everyone feels mean.  It’s something darker than depression, it’s fear.

And today I feel fine.  I’m back to my old self.

I asked my brother yesterday – “Do you need liability insurance for your workers?”

My brother – “Ha ha I hope you have a lawyer.  Do you have a lawyer?  I paid my lawyer 10 grand last year.  Yes you need insurance and it costs a LOT.”

Me – “Can you help me?  Do you have the name of the guy you use?”

Him – “Sorry, you’re on your own.”

He was back to his phone.

My brother was preoccupied with his phone all while I was trying to talk to him.  He was laughing and saying funny things as usual.

Him – “No ain’t going to help you.  You’re moving in here and taking my business away.  No way.”

Me – “You’re kidding, right?  You must be kidding.”

I literally felt the tears welling up.

Me – “I would help you if you were me.  You really won’t help me?”

Him – “Yeah, I’ll help you.  But I’m still going to spread rumors that your place has maggots.”

I felt a 100 pound weight lift from me when he said that.  I’m not joking when I say I was a live wire of emotion yesterday.  Even though he was having a go at me, I still wanted to cry.  It felt like not only did Facebook people hate me, but my brother hated me as well.

I’m insanely sensitive at times.  Times when I feel not together, when I feel there’s too much that needs to be done and nowhere and no resources to pull from.  It’s like finding myself stranded at the bottom of the ocean with half a tank of oxygen left and no strength to swim up.  I can’t swim up because it’s hopeless and I won’t make it out in time.

But then I bounce back.  Like today.  I’m perfectly fine and have my head back.  Thank God for my resilience.  Maybe my resilience comes from never wanting to give up and lose hope.  I can get through and get over anything because I never give up.  My heart always leads me, and I trust it.

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Filed under journal, rant

Cold Feet

There’s no turning back.  I’m officially up to my ears in debt (I’m being dramatic).  No, it’s not that bad – but it does have the potential of getting into crisis mode.

I’m waiting for my next client.

I can’t believe I massaged around 600 people here in this shitty little stink hole.  First off, it’s in the middle of nowhere.   It’s farm country.  Apple orchards aplenty, lakes, hiking trails, hunters hunting, motorcycles motoring.  And here I am all walled up inside a building that nobody know’s about.

Client #1 – “I never knew this place even existed.  And I lived here for 5 years!”

Client #2 – “You should put up some signs outside to let people know you’re here.”

Client #3 – “Man you’re hard to find.  This place is like a maze!”

I’m looking at my office differently.  Almost like I’m embarrassed of it.  How funny life is?  I was never embarrassed of it before.  Not before I leased my new and improved office space.

If this business venture fails, I’m in trouble.  Big trouble in little China kind of trouble.  All I can do is pray, and I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

Please God.  Please oh please oh please God.

Tomorrow I call CL&P to turn the power on.  Then Bob’s discount furniture where I’ll try to find a love seat in the pit (that’s the really discounted stuff).  Then maybe I’ll go to Ikea again.

Money money money, all drained from my pockets like an elephant pissing on a flat rock.  That rock is my new business.

Last night I dreamt I was massaging somebody’s forearm and out of nowhere sprouted a half dozen little human fingers protruding out of the flesh of the arm.  They squirmed around like the legs of an animal when flipped over on its back.  It frightened me so much that I jumped and woke myself up.

What the hell does that mean?

It’s now the next day and I’m once again walled up inside my little office.  I’ll be here all day and all night.

When I first moved into this office, Guardian Angels (they hire companions for the elderly) occupied the office across from mine.  They moved out a few months later.  Well, I come to find out that they now occupy the house directly across from my new office in Cheshire.  I mean come on now, what are the chances?  Right?

I’m taking that as a good sign.  And what a name to have, Guardian Angels!

Last night while I was walking out of Ikea with several large, heavy boxes, the family parked next to my car was also leaving.

Me – “Oh great, now they can watch as I struggle with these boxes without offering to help.  Instead of helping, they’ll blame me for being by myself.”

But that wasn’t the case.  They helped me.  A father and his small son not more than 13 years old, asked if they can help.

If they weren’t there, I would have struggled a lot.  Trust me, it was no easy feat.  I couldn’t see out of my back window, or the passenger window on my ride home.  I had to keep one hand on a large heavy box to stop it from sliding into the side of my head.

It’s funny that my Nissan Cube was able to fit these long slender boxes, but they couldn’t fit into the back of my Dad’s huge truck.  I tried when I got home.  I had to leave the tailgate down.

I spent around $900 yesterday.  I freaked out and had to take inventory of exactly everything else that I still needed to buy.  According to my calculations, I need around $2,000 more in furnishings and equipment that I have not yet purchased.  Not to mention that I need to assemble everything.  The book shelves, file cabinet, armoire, cabinets – everything.

One day at a time.

Then the website.  Then hiring people.  Then more praying.

What am I doing God?  Am I crazy?

Truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing, nor do I have any idea what I’m up against.

I’m getting cold feet.  It’s bizarre how true cold feet is.  I mean, I knew I was going to go into debt and struggle with this business (it was all part of the plan), but when it’s actually happening, I’m freaking out and doubting my decision.

Damn my first client is 13 minutes late.  Maybe he won’t show.  It’s my obligation to call him, but I wouldn’t mind if he didn’t show.

I called and left a message.

He showed 😦

I’m a massage therapist opening up her own clinic and I have no desire to work anymore.  Is this me being irresponsible?  One of those words people use to describe me with?

One of my friends accompanied me to Ikea Monday night and appointed herself as my interior decorator.  She’s really creative, went to RisD where they learn all about that stuff. She’s going to be upset when she hears that I already picked out everything I need.  She’ll be upset that I bought that armoire – the one she didn’t like.  I did it all in one day.  Yesterday.  Because I couldn’t help myself.

The thing is, when I’m scared and nearing the edge of panic, I go into hyper drive and get things done immediately.  The sooner I get everything done, the sooner I can relax and continue with my normal routine of lounging, playing video games, and eating hot pockets.

Two more clients to go.  Both of them 90 minutes each.

One more client to go.

Zero clients to go.  My life force is depleted.

Just in case you guys don’t know my plan, I want to make a mini Massage Envy type of massage clinic.  Massage Envy’s make money.  They are easy to book with, nothing fancy, dependable hours – people feel safe going there because they know exactly what to expect.  Just plain effective massages with no surprises.

This is my goal.  My goal just so happens to be an expensive, time-consuming gamble.

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