Tag Archives: Camino

60 Times Around

The last time I walked the Camino, I cried on my first day.  That’s how hard it was.  The first day especially.

The 10th day was the hardest.  On the 10th day, I hit the wall from not getting enough protein.  I had to rest on the 10th day.  I literally couldn’t move.

I have to walk 25 kilometers on that first day.  Break that down into America’s language, that’s 15 miles.  One mile is 4 times around a track.  4 times 15 is 60.

It’s like walking 60 times around a standard track.  Yesterday I walked 12 times around so, 3 miles.  And my feet started to ache and my left knee cramped up.  On a technologically advance cushioned track with no ups or downs.

I did wear my ankle weights.  Only a pound and a half on each foot.

The thing about walking the track is the boredom.  I forgot how boring walking can be.  And since I already walked the Camino once already – I’ve seen all that stuff, it’s nothing new.  Which only compounds to the boredom I’ll have to face.  I’ll be in pain and I’ll be bored.  At the end of the day I can look forward to a bland simple dinner, not enough to satiate my hunger and on top of that, I’ll be bunking with 300 strangers in a dank gothic style church.  On that first day, there’s no shopping plaza’s or restaurants around for miles.

I have to pack more food.  Extra food for dinner and a little something for the following mornings breakfast – stuff I wish I knew the first time I walked.

15 miles equates to walking from my house to the middle of New Haven, possibly a little further than its middle. It’ll take me at least 8 hours.  It would take me 6 hours without breaks and if the path was completely flat.

I can’t believe I’m walking this shit again just to lose weight.  I hated it the first time.  I loathed it.

I’ve been keeping up with walking every single day.  My stomach looks like it’s slimming down, but I still weigh the same.  And my slim stomach may just be an optical illusion.  My pants don’t feel any looser.

Today I will attempt to hike up my big little mountain with my ankle weights on.  It’s going to be torture.

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My Camino Video

Okay, you can call me unoriginal.  I made a music video about walking 500 miles to Santiago using the song “I’m Gonna Be” by the Proclaimers.  There are probably hundreds if not thousands of video’s recording the Camino using that song.

Here is my version.  I hope you like it!

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August 14, 2013 · 9:39 am

I made a video

I made a little music video here. My phone memory is filling up to the point where I have to start deleting things. I’m uploading this video here to WordPress so I can delete it on my phone.

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This is the video for day 5

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Random thoughts about the Camino

Señal del Camino

Señal del Camino (Photo credit: gabsiq)

I’m in work waiting for my client to show.  She’s my pretend sister, my brothers fiancé.

I’m still sick.  All I want to do is go home and put my pajama’s back on.  I feel a type of exhaustion I only felt one other time while I was suffering from altitude sickness when hiking up the goddamned Himalayas.  Unable to move or function.  It’s stress induced, I know it.

And when I am home, I feel bored.  I never get bored!  I’m bored because I’m too exhausted to do anything.  It’s frustrating.  And so I mess around with iMovie and make YouTube video’s like an asshole.

Experiencing boredom makes me understand people better.  They push themselves everyday just to escape this kind of boredom – escape the meaningless of it.  Nobody wants to be alone with themselves.

Time is approaching for the Camino launch.  It really is a big deal.  Not to anyone else, but for me it’s huge.

People go on the Camino expecting to find miracles, insights, to find God, secret cults….etc.  They think it’s some prolific journey and are let down when all they’re up against is walking on blisters.  They can’t find the spirituality they seek.

People need to realize that spirituality happens when you’re alone with yourself.  And just like it is with boredom, it can scare the shit out of anyone.  Make them itch off their skin.  Wanting to get out.

This is the world I live in – the world of reflection.  I’m at ground zero in fighting my own bullshit.  I crave solitude and being alone as a way to find faith in myself, a way to find my ground.  However, with such a big journey approaching, I’m feeling that I need others support more than my own courage.  It’s like reaching for a life raft before sinking into my fears.

I’m not brave enough on my own.

This is why I’m sick.  This is why I felt boredom for the first time in years.  Right now I need to be around people, but unfortunately I’m stuck in bed.  I stretched myself out too thin over the past few weeks and it all caught up.

Now I’m stretching myself out on my bed with my laptop on my crotch.  It’s 9:10 pm.  I downloaded three audiobooks for the Camino.

Ellen DeGeneres – Seriously….I’m Kidding

Tina Fey – BossyPants

Mindy Kaling – Is everyone hanging out without me?

They are all safely stored on my iPhone awaiting day one of the Camino.  In all honesty, I’m looking forward more towards listening to those books than I am to the actual walking part.

I’m having second thoughts about this whole thing.  No no, wait, am I?

I can’t stop sneezing.  My coughs are coming from the bowels of my spleen.  The spleen is a dark slimy green, loud, mucus organ.

Omg I need nightquil.  I have a tear rolling down my salty hot cheek.

Why am I doing the Camino anyway?  I already went through all that spiritual crap, I get it.  Let go, go with the flow, hold no negativity, be compassionate, all suffering is self inflicted.  Yep, got it.  I don’t need to walk across Spain to gain understanding!

My laptop is getting all germy with my hot sweaty hands all over it.

I’m walking it for pride, for ego.  So I can someday look back on it and say “Hell yeah I fucking did that.”  There is no other purpose other than that.

That seems to be the reason why I do everything.  Or is it?  Do I really care about seeing the world and what’s out there?  Or is it all just an attempt at filling that empty space in me that yearns and yearns?  Am I yearning for a proud moment?  Is there meaning in pride?

This is how the camino humbles people.  They see themselves as the horse asses they are.  Possibly once they transcend their arrogance, transcend hiding their weaknesses or lying to themselves, that’s when they reach their ground zero – the true person they really are.  And no, there’s no meaning in pride – it’s only yet another illusion of ego.

You have to stand directly in the light in order to see your own dark shadows.  The camino physically puts you there in that light whether you want it to or not.  That’s the spiritual part of it.  When your physical body gets pushed, so does your soul.

It’s all about thinking, getting yourself good and humbled and asking yourself while looking down that endless road, “is this really all there is?”

Yeah buddy, that’s everything.

You are it!  The zen is already in you.  Which brings me back to the beginning, why oh why the hell am I doing this?

Most people choose to walk alone because they haven’t reached an understanding in themselves.  They need to think more on it.  Think about what?  The why, that’s what.

“Why, why why?”

Me – “Cause it just is man.  Let it go.”

I let everything go.  I let everything go and now I want to walk and leave it all behind.  I want to vanquish even more shit hidden in me.  I want to be both the water and the rock.  Unable to ever be hurt again, but soft enough to embrace change.  My soul is the rock, my physical self and mind are like water.

I want to get there – the foundation, the answer.

In moments such as this, when I find peace – I feel I have it, but then as soon as I’m around people, it gets ripped from me.

Ayahuasca told me I need to be strong for others – maybe this is what she meant.

I need to sleep.

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Ultra Light Packing List for the Camino De Santiago

Here are some links to all the stuff I’m bringing on the Camino.

I didn’t mention these in my video, but gel toe caps are fantastic!

http://www.feetrelief.com/feetrelief/products2.htm

The place where I bought my sleeping bag:

www.cyclocamping.com

I bought my backpack at REI.  It feels perfect on my back.

http://www.rei.com/product/828430/osprey-aura-50-pack-womens

1,000 mile socks

Sock liners (don´t need)

Outdoor research Seattle sun / rain sombrero  (this is an amazing hat!  Kept my head very dry, but can be too warm in summer.)

Guide book

Solar Charger (you don´t need this.)

Portable Cup

Mesh Bags

Pack liner (you can also use a garbage bag)

Ear Plugs

Carabiners

Platypus Big Zip

Small day pack (a grocery bag will work just fine.)

Dry packs

Blister stuff (I never used it.)

Backpackers panties  (great undies!)

Biodegradabile soap / shampoo

My official ultra light packing list for the Camino De Santiago:

First Aid kit

Moleskin, bandage tape, small scissors, etc..

Toe gel tips

Knee brace (caused me a heat rash.)

Clippers

Sleeping pills

Clothing

2 pair undies

2 pair 1000 mile socks

2 liner socks

Button down shirt (lightweight)

Long sleeve purple shirt

Long underwear

Tank top

T shirt

Hat

Head band

Bathing suit (don´t need.)

Outer Shells

Rain jacket (gortex!)

Down jacket

Rain pants

The essentials

Sleeping bag

Sandals

Guide book

Itinerary / passport / I.D / Credit card (bring two credit cards in case one does not work.)

Travel towel

Platypus bottle

Journal / pen

Everything else

Pack liner (in lieu of pack cover.)

Secret travel pouch

Travel backpack for groceries / airplane ride (don´t need.)

3 mesh bags for loose items

Carabiners

Drain plug (no)

Clothes pins

Ear plugs

Eye shades

Head lamp (no need)

Sunglasses

Small knife

Handkerchief

Folding cup

Eat N tool

Rock from home

Electronics

Iphone / earphones / charger / solar charger (no need)

Converter

Toiletries

Shampoo / soap / detergent bars

Comb / mirror

Razor

Toilet paper in ziplock

Deodorant (no dispenser)

Toothbrush / paste

Period stuff

Sunscreen

Staff

Spanish cheat sheet (lighter than a book)

Good cheer

I just finished the Camino and will like to update my ultra light packing list.

You don´t actually need a bathing suit.  It´s Europe!  Luckily I decided to leave mine at home.

You don´t need liner socks when wearing 1000 mile socks.  Bringing those toe socks turned out to be extra weight.

You don´t need a solar charger while on the Camino.  I haven´t used mine once.  There are outlets everywhere.

You don´t need to bring a big bulky headlamp.  A small keychain light will do just fine, or your cell phone.

You don´t need that little travel pouch.  A grocery bag will work just fine (and it´s lighter).

You don´t need a drain plug.

I only used the medical tape, small scissors and bacitracin in my med kit.  The rest of it was extra weight.  There are tons of pharmacies along the way if you find that you do need something.

Everything else on the list I recommend.  A very strong piece of advice for you is to bring a warm rain jacket.  Don´t go cheap like I did, you will be soaked!  Gortex is the way to go.

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And so my adventure continues….

Ikebana 30 mar 10 (2)

Ikebana 30 mar 10 (2) (Photo credit: PaRaP)

I feel so sick to my stomach right now.  I drank a lot last night.

I can’t seem to extract myself from the social scene.  It keeps pulling me in.

My life is chock full of weirdness.

I feel like I’m going to throw up.  I’m emotionally upset too which doesn’t help.  I just found out that my bff from high school will be visiting CT for a week, but she’ll be going on vacation with the Melanie haters for the entire time she’s here.  It’s completely devastating to me.  I can’t pull myself out of it.  I was not asked to go.

I can’t wait until the Camino.  I really can’t.  I need to walk and cry and walk some more and fuck up my knee and get up and walk again.  It almost feels like I need the physical pain, like I deserve it.  It’s like purifying my soul or some shit.  Maybe I should’ve stayed with Amy and let her punch me in the face like she wanted.

I’m in work.  I’m supposed to massage 4 clients today back to back.  I don’t know how I’m going to manage that.

I try to keep my life simple.  I always tried keeping things simple.  I treat my life as Ikebana.  The more simplistic, the bigger the punch.  Cut out all unnecessary bullshit that don’t matter.

I feel like I’m trapped inside my own bubble of malcontent.  Everyone staring in at me out of curiosity.

I can’t escape people.  I need this time for solitude, and so I don’t even try to connect with others.  But somehow I manage to pull them in.  They call me their sun, and they are my stars and my moons.  How can people gravitate towards me, but at the same time, hurt me so much?

It’s like everybody wants a piece of my soul to take, but the only way for them to have me is to break me apart.

I’m jut a sad lonely girl surrounded by everyone and no one.

Fuck this shit I ain’t playin’ no victim.  But I don’t want to hurt anyone either.  It’s like the compassion in me holds me to people, and it’s my own heart that gets played against me.

If I rise above everything and let go of people, everyone in my life would turn into Icarus getting their wings melted.  But it’s their own fault for flying too close, right?

Client number 2 will be here in 12 minutes.  I’m starting to feel better.  I need to trust that all will be well.

Those two guys that friended me on Facebook, they are curious onlookers getting sucked into my gravity – my bubble.  They don’t know what to make of me, and so they’re interested.  Hey fella’s, I’m interested too – hence my need of solitude.

I brought these two onlookers over to L’s house last night.  Dave was there too. It’s a strange group dynamic when you see it for what it really  is.  You’d know what I’m talking about if you’ve been keeping up with my blog.

All I know is that I love my two new friends.  And us being all in the same graduating year makes it easy for me to group them together in a tight little bundle to form my new family.  I keep people together as in the simple way of Ikebana.  Minimalist effort equals concentrated love.

Second client done.  She was a sweetheart.  She got so freaking nervous around me and it just kept building and building in her.  Even though I massaged her once before, and this time she paid full price.  Why do people get nervous?  It’s silly and it’s all in their head.  She can learn a lot from me that one.

Okay now I’m rambling.  I need to end this post.  Ikebana baby!

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The Camino, facing your fears and contributing to healing the world, and the benefits of pot – all in todays entry

I smoked pot last night and started looking up info on the Camino.  I was high and mellow, letting the herb do what it does until I saw this picture:

road 2

“Oh shit what if something happens?  What if I twist my ankle or get so tired that I can’t go on?  I’ll be all alone in a foreign country looking down a road like that!”

Then it got worse.  I looked at several more roads and imagined myself on them.

road 3road

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit I can’t do this!”

Then I watched this trailer for a documentary about the Camino:

(They say they have a new and improved trailer, but I like this one better.)

After that, I became excited again.

When looking down that lonely road what I’ll really be looking at are my fears, mostly my fear of death.  Pilgrims have no choice but to rely on one another for support and strength.  Being around people can make you feel courageous and strong.  It’s your love and their love that cuts through fear.

My pot addled brain told me that by walking the Camino, I’m helping the world heal itself.  By helping others along the way, by conquering my own demons, I’m adding to the bravery of others and in truth, I’m instilling bravery into the world.  It’s humbling down to the point of facing the truth in that we all need each other.

I can say that I’m walking the Camino for myself all I want, but I can’t get away from the truth of it effecting the infinite energy body of our one human spirit.  It’s unavoidable.  Last night I came to this realization that no matter what I do, how solitary or secluded I keep to myself, or how much I give – the world will be effected either way.

Then I told myself not to question this new insight once my high wore off.  There’s no logic to it, or words to describe it, but it was an unmistakable feeling of true reality.  It was a feeling – taking place in the deepest part of me.  If I were to try and break it down for my rational brain to accept, it won’t happen.  It’s true.  Leave it.

You have to trust these feelings as real and not argue.

I thought about Amy and how her perceptions seemed so real to her, but not real to the rest of the world.  And it made me wonder if all this I’m feeling is only in my head.  But then I realized it was her own fears coming to life.  She was projecting them onto me.  That’s why it’s extremely important to let go all fear – fear is absent of light, it’s evil all in itself.  It’s seeing the world through fear-laden goggles.  And you will never know what you’re afraid of until you become self-aware.

Honestly if you want to be humbled and forgiven, try facing your truest intentions.  There you will find your fears (or desires).  If you don’t know whether or not your intensions are honest, ask yourself if it’s the compassionate way, or merely your ego talking.  Compassion is the road to sainthood, and saints change the world for the better!

So why do people not choose compassion?  Because of their ego’s.

Ego’s keeps us in the “fun” zone.

When I was under Aya, she told me that the ego can be fun.  But to keep in mind that it’s not real.  It’s only a delusion, or illusion.  Ego makes you feel like you’re in control and you can play the world like a game.  She also said there are many games in the world to choose from, and they are all there as learning experiences.

I’m in work waiting for my last client.  Einstein, the dog, just licked the inside of my mouth – how do dogs know the exact place where you don’t want to be licked?

Maybe the mouth is the most vulnerable place.  That’s what makes it so sensual.  Oh man, am I still high?

I’m using pot as a tool to acquire these insights (it stimulates the pineal gland which is the gateway into the spirit realm).  But with pot, you have to cut through the boundaries of your ego whereas with ayahuasca, she detaches it with ease (unless you don’t surrender and trust).  In my experience with smoking weed, you have no choice but to let go of everything – when you don’t let go, the babble in your brain goes into hyper drive.

I don’t see the point in smoking it with others who treat it as a recreational drug.  The point of the experience will be lost if all you do is giggle and get silly.  Not to mention it makes me unbelievably lazy.  Before I smoke, I make sure everything is done for the day.  That I’m fed, I have water next to me, sheets are washed, alarm clock set – everything must be done otherwise I’d forget, or fall asleep.

I’m getting acquainted and familiar with the feeling of being high and so I’m able to guide it into my higher state of being – of course my body and language center are tuned out during this time, giving pot its bad rep.  Plus people abuse it.  But it’s just another tool, another sacred herb to reach us in ways that our everyday brain can’t understand.  We are so hard-wired and pattern-seeking survivalists that in order for us to get out of our patterns, we have to think differently.

Pot was calling to me for a reason, I knew it!  But how deep will I go with this?  How many layers and insights are there?  Am I strong enough to hold it together?

There’s a reason why we are in the dark.  People just aren’t ready.  They’re not strong enough – hence the importance of evolving.  The first step to evolving?  Self actualization.  Then there’s facing your fears, suffering, compassion, etc… and another layer of strength unfurls.

I learned all this on my own, but if you go on YouTube and listen to spiritual teachers for yourself, you’d see that this stuff is EVERYWHERE!  It’s strange I never noticed it before.  I’m 33 years old and I finally found my true religion.  More like it found me.

I’m finding that spirituality is a religion.  The truths are all congruent to the point where I can call it organized.  But unlike with other religions, Spiritual believers don’t fight or cause wars.  We don’t worship anything but ourselves.  We bow our respects to Jesus, Moses and the like – because ALL religions have truth, they all teach the same insights.  But they were organized and made solid by the fears of the parishioners.  If they let go of those fears, trust and let in compassion, they will embody God.  They would have no choice but to accept responsibility for their choices and the roads they had taken.  And that alone can scare the SHIT out of everybody!

Complete control and complete responsibility for all actions and all that happens to you.  Who wants to admit to their faults?  No one!  So they blame.  They are free to live a life of denial so long as they can place blame.  In a crazy way if you think long and hard about it, a fear based religion can do this.  Anything that places judgement, anything that places another person as being “higher” or “right”, causes war and hatred.

Again, another day not knowing what to write about turned into be a beauty.  My client will be here any minute so…..

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“If – “

I really like this poem.  It hits home with me.  It’s so important to me, that I’m sticking it here in my blog so I never forget it.  I should work on memorizing it.  I wish I read this at the beginning of last year, it would have made everything a bit easier.  I should keep a copy of it with me for the Camino.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

                                                                                                                                                                            -Rudyard Kipling

Honestly, I can’t stress enough how everything he says is exactly what I learned this past year.  It’s amazing, really.  Every sentence resonates with my own truth.  I need to start reading more poetry.  It gives me strength to keep me on the right path.  Seriously, awesome.

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Melanie’s all over the place today. In today’s entry: Why People are compelled to get married, being enlightened, and the meaning behind Bob Marley’s song lyrics.

My face feels hot and I’m headachy and tired.  I’ve had insomnia for two days now.  I can’t sleep for two reasons, 1) I’m no longer going out getting shit faced and 2) I’m excited for my trip.

I’m in “work” waiting for my next client.

I looked up video’s about the Camino on YouTube and for some reason the exorcism of Annaliese Michel popped up among the Camino video’s.  And so I clicked on it – how could I not?  Then I clicked on a weird baby sliding around on a kitchen floor, clicked on a fat lady who had 3 demons in her stomach.  And after the fat lady, I clicked on the sounds of hell recorded from a 9 mile deep hole in Siberia.   YouTube is scary.  Why do I always end up in the scary part of YouTube?

Finally I got to the Camino video’s and watched.  So much walking!  The people in the video’s were all so happy, radiating smiles and hospitality.  Singular travelers both men, women, boys and girls, partnered up to continue their journeys together.

I’m an affable gal, that’s one thing I’m sure of.  I can make friends with a drop of a hat.  It doesn’t matter who you are or how crabby – you’d still want to be around me (always!).  I don’t know why this is.  I have no idea actually.  I’m so shy, but at the same time, so likable.  Being lonely on this trip has never entered my mind.

The thing is, I want to do it alone.  I feel like I need to, or that I’m supposed to rather.

Since I let my emotional abusive friend end the friendship, it has freed up so much of my time that now I get to focus on myself and learn exactly who I am and what I can/should be doing.  I have no attachments to anything, no distractions.

When I let go of my friend, I let go of everyone, not just her.  My emotional bind to people had been cut.  I was free from it all and just as I suspected, slid back into enlightenment and peeled back another layer of awareness.  I detached myself from the emotional dough of people.  The same emotions that manipulate and steady my focus to places I’m not consciously directing myself.  It’s hard writing about this stuff because nobody will understand me, or believe me even.

I don’t believe that a person can remain in the enlightened state for long.  We are too connected to this world physically that no one has the power to sustain it.  Words are part of this world, our five senses are too, along with emotions and thought.  All physical and organic biological substances.

We are not our thoughts.  Our thoughts arise out of the left hemisphere of our brain – they are an organic byproduct of our physical brain and nothing more.  Our brain is separate from the soul.

Thoughts spur emotions.  Chemical responses that feed our thoughts and make them deeply felt.  We are not our emotions.  Emotions are hormones and chemicals that are also a byproduct of the organic brain.  Meditation helps quell the babble of the left hemisphere so we can become more aware – to think and connect differently.  With meditation there are no thoughts, only a clandestine understanding of who we are.  Meditating on this very moment can ebb the babble.  Focusing on the here and now – nothing else matters.

When I was under the influence of ayahuasca, I asked her “what is love?”  She never responded.  She never responded because I still understood it at the physical level, the mental and emotional aspect of it.

This time while I was enlightened, after letting my friend go along with all the others, I asked the question again.  “What is love?”

“Compassion is love.”

I was in work waiting for my first client.  That’s when all this happened.  It started with our daily texting escapades.  It was hard to let one hour go by without texting each other.

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This happened nearly everyday.  She would make up at least one reason to end our friendship – sometimes it happened more than once a day.  On this particular day, it happened twice before 11am.

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(She doesn’t read my blog anymore so I can get away with this.  But still, I might die.  You never know.)

I’m not going to post pics of all the texts, it would take forever.  I bet reading it from an outsiders view makes it all look childish.  And it WAS childish.  I was sucked into her warped world by defending myself day in day out.  Trying to explain myself was like adding fuel to the burn, the cycle of manipulation that held my strings.

I became enlightened before my first client of the day, and remained enlightened after the massage and for the next hour.  I was hungover tired, so I turned off the bright lights, lit my ambiance lamps, lit some candles, turned on my table warmer and laid down on the massage table.  It was heaven laying there.  I wanted it to last for the rest of the day.

“Wow so this is what clients feel when they lay on my table?  No wonder they keep coming back!  I don’t even need to touch them.”

The enlightened state of mind made the world seem like a dream.  My head felt light as if drugged.  My physical body felt as it did after consuming ayahuasca – but without the sickness.  My surroundings were swishy, my head weaved side to side.  You don’t have to believe me, but it’s true.  These were my physical symptoms of enlightenment.  It could be different for everyone, who knows.

After learning that love is compassion, I went deeper.  I wanted to know why people couple up and get married because at that moment, I felt whole.  I had no desire in finding that “special” someone.  I had no desire to be in that emotional weighted dough that drags on our souls.  I was out.  And I felt free.   So why then, do people get married?

The response to this question was powerful.  So powerfully felt and understood that it was unmistakable.  And I didn’t like what I was being told.  I didn’t like the answer to why people form relationships.  Enlightenment taught me that it’s the product of three things:  Fear, need and lust.

I’m a sucker for love.  I love romantic movies, love songs, the feelings of euphoria.  I’m looking forward to the day when I will be “rescued” and have my happy ever after.

“No, no it can’t be.  It can’t be everyone.  Not every relationship is like this.”

It’s everyone.  Well, at least for 90% of them it is.

Then the enlightenment went a step further and explained why.

Fear:  Fear of being alone and fear of death.

I didn’t understand how the fear of death relates to relationships.  And because I didn’t understand, I was shown.  The visualization happened rapidly and vividly.  I had no control over what I was seeing.  I saw myself aging rapidly, then I became a corpse that was also deteriorating rapidly.  I was hit with sheer panic of knowing that someday I will die.  I WILL die.  I was stricken with panic and terror.  Not only terror, but of loneliness.  I wanted to grab hold of someone, anyone.  I didn’t want to do it alone, and I didn’t want my life to end without having purpose or meaning.  A person would bring it meaning.  A person could save me from death.

It makes me think of the red ants that live under ground in rain forests.  When flash floods happen, the ants only way for surviving is by clinging to each other.  They form a life raft and float on the water.  They would sink by themselves.  They need at least one other ant to hold them up.

It’s instinctive to hold onto life – hold onto somebody to save you.

Need:  Everyone’s needs are different.  But mostly everyone feels like a whole person when they are partnered up with someone.  People can marry for ego, having a trophy wife or husband.  Some marry for money, security, a sense of well-being and being taken care of.  They have babies to secure the relationship and bring meaning into their lives – to have something to love and protect.  Some marry to fulfill their narcissistic need for gaining love and admiration.

Having a mate can satisfy emotional and primal needs.  It forms a completion of self.  Without that other person, your world falls apart.  You fall apart.

Some people get married simply because they’re supposed to or because it’s natural and expected.  In many countries people get married and have kids simply for the security of being taken care of when they get old and feeble.

Some of these needs make sense, but they are driven by fear.  Fear is what breaks the feeling of completeness – the circle of awareness breaks and must be replaced.  They replace it with a person who can supposedly “save” them.  They cling to strength – a person who is stronger than they are.  Or cling to an equal – to team up and navigate life together.  Or cling to a weaker individual as a source of feeling needed, powerful and in control.

If a person is not whole on their own, they thirst for a companion, a counterpart.  The void gets filled and they no longer have to face the existential reasons of existence.

Lust:  People lust with their eyes and not with their hearts.  The eyes like what they see and they want a piece.  They want a piece of the candy.  It’s like viewing a beautiful masterpiece and wanting to take it home to hang between your legs.

To lust without love is selfish.  It’s taking or giving without mindfulness or understanding.  It’s not a soul connection, but a body connection.  The lust becomes a need, a desire.  And the lust also becomes fear – fear of losing that which you desire most.  Lust ties everything up nicely to make these three components vital ingredients for the euphoria of being in love.  And it can make you unconditionally blind.  You can lose yourself and your awareness.  You can lose your sense of self and of doing whats right or necessary for yourself and for others.

But then there’s the feeling of fate.  When you meet someone and intuitively know you were destined to meet.  You know that somehow they will be in your life.

Everyone is placed in our lives for a reason.  Some radiating a stronger purpose than others.  Now, take that feeling of fate coupled with the euphoria of being in love, it’s something that is far too intense to ignore.  It’s kismet, it’s love and it’s the happy ending you’ve been waited for.  It’s the happy ending you deserve.

Being in love doesn’t apply to the spirit world.  Not the love nor the hurt that stems from it.  Once you’re out of body, you are truly free (unless you end up in a hell world, then you’re pretty much screwed).

Marriage is good in the way of teaching transcendence.  The marriage will only work if you’re able to put your primal needs aside, and have compassion for your spouse at all costs otherwise it will take your sanity.  The weight of fighting off addictive primal emotions will crush you.  Transcending human need/fear is the only way.  Lust, need and fear will no longer be an issue.  You don’t need your spouse, but love them.  And you want them to be happy.  Their happiness is all that matters to you.  Hopefully by that point, both spouses still have their wits and have not spiraled into madness.  If one of them goes crazy, it’s hard to undo crazy.

The love you have for a pet, that is compassionate love.  The love you have for your family, your kids, an old lady hobbling down the street with her arms full of groceries, the bald leukemia kids you don’t want to see when you turn on the tv – that’s all compassion.  That’s real love.  It’s love without need or desire – just pure soul.  Pure heart.  It’s like Bob Marley says, One Love, One Heart.  Bob Marley was an enlightened individual who knew truth.

There aren’t different kinds of love, there is only one real love.  Bob knew that.

Person #1 – “Have you ever been in love?”

Person #2 – “No, not in love.  But I have lots of love to give.  I know what love is.”

Person #1 – “Who have you loved?”

Person #2 – “My nieces and nephews.  They taught me what it feels like to really love someone.”

Person #1 – “I love my boyfriend, but not in that way.”

Person #2 – “Why not?  There is only one way.  One love.”

All else is need, lust and fear.  An incompleteness of self.

I’m not saying I don’t believe in romantic love, only that it’s dangerous to need and depend on anyone.  You should never feel that you have to, or that you’re obligated.  No one can ever complete you and you should never put that on anyones shoulders.  No one should put that on your shoulders either.

I would like to believe in soul mates, but most of us don’t end up with them.  We have too much baggage, too much learning to do before we are able to meet them.  We’re not polished enough to slide into happiness and comfort because if we did, we wouldn’t appreciate it as much.

And as for me, I chose the single life simply for the reason of not wanting to depend on anyone.  I’ve stayed single this long because I didn’t feel like a whole person yet – I didn’t want my void to be filled with a person, but to find the transcendence on my own to avoid future suffering from divorce, or a stifling marriage that holds back my journey and my real purpose.

This time in my life, for the very  first time, I’m absolutely free.  It’s exhilarating and liberating.  Opportunities are endless, I see endless inspiration from all creative endeavors I encounter.  Whether it be a simple sentence, a persons face….It’s everywhere I turn.  Beauty and art is everywhere and in everyone.

After years of going out socializing, being in the thick of things, the emotional dough of fun and tears, I’m out.  I’m out and I want to take a sabbatical from it all.  I want to spend this time with myself and witness my dreams come true.  They will never come true if I spend all my time with a controlling person, or crying over the shit show of 2012, dulling my pain with pint after pint, no.  To do so would be a delusion – the illusions that emotions play – they are not real.  None of that stuff matters, it never mattered.  Letting myself get bullied, controlled, resented, hurt, blamed, betrayed, forgotten – none of it is real, it was never real.  It’s the base level of spirituality.  It’s being at the same emotional level that feeds the offense.  And from an outsiders perspective, it IS childish!

I know as I write this, nobody’s going to believe any of it.  But hey, maybe someday you will.  You’ll get there yourself.

As of now, I have put my old friends on the back burner while I played the game of emotional punching bag.  I fooled myself into thinking everything was peachy.  But from my new standpoint, I don’t want to go back in.  Those people are so adversely different from me.  The way they think, how they act, what drives and motivates them, their callousness, their inability to see what I see…

People call me wanting to hang out.  My phone remains on silent.  Even my adorable peruvian genius client wants to get together, but that will be like going back into the mix.  I don’t think I’m ready for that.  When and if I do go back, it won’t be the same.  I’m not the same person anymore.  The only one driving me is myself.

Anyway, I originally wanted to write about the Camino and if I should partner up with others on the journey, or remain a lone traveler.  That was the original intention of the post, but all this other gunk came out.

I decided that if I’m meant to meet people, I should let it happen.  If it’s meant to be a lone journey, I should roll with it and surrender.  Don’t fight anything and let the universe take care and guide me.

I have to go back to that Bob Marley song…

The guy was truly enlightened!  I hear it in his music.  His songs resonate with me.  I’ll decipher the meanings for you.  I’ll highlight them in red.

One Love! One Heart!

Let’s get together and feel all right.

We all possess and experience the same love.

Hear the children cryin’ (One Love!); 

Hear the children cryin’ (One Heart!),

This exposes the one love that is compassion.  To “hear the children cryin'” brings out compassion.

Sayin’: give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Sayin’: let’s get together and feel all right. Wo wo-wo wo-wo!

Giving thanks to the Lord in the Rastafarian sense is to offer the sacred herb, canibis, by smoking it.

And by doing so, it will make you feel all right.  Wo wo wo – wo.

Let them all pass all their dirty remarks (One Love!);

He doesn’t judge or get angry at the Haters.  Dirty remarks can’t harm him.  He’s above it because he feels compassion for them (One Love!).

There is one question I’d really love to ask (One Heart!):
Is there a place for the hopeless sinner,
Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own beliefs?

This completely hits home with me!  I wrote about it before.  People don’t want to give up their beliefs, and by not giving up,  they go way too far to preserve them and prove to everyone they are right.

One Love! What about the one heart? One Heart!
What about – ? Let’s get together and feel all right

He’s pleading with those stubborn people to go towards the light of compassion.

As it was in the beginning (One Love!);
So shall it be in the end (One Heart!),
All right!

Basically to me this means God created man.  We sprang from compassion and love.  God created man and man created the devil.  The only evil in the world is that of our own fear and ignorance.

Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.
One more thing!

Let’s smoke it up and feel all right.

Let’s get together to fight this Holy Armagiddyon (One Love!),
So when the Man comes there will be no, no doom (One Song!).
Have pity on those whose chances grows t’inner;
There ain’t no hiding place from the Father of Creation.

Holy Armagiddyon is upon us and will wipe out all the sinners.  Bob is giving the message that we have the power to stop this.  We stop it with love and forgiveness.

And if the sinners continue to sin, we need to take pity on their souls because they have nowhere to run.

Sayin’: One Love! What about the One Heart? (One Heart!)
What about the – ? Let’s get together and feel all right.
I’m pleadin’ to mankind! (One Love!);
Oh, Lord! (One Heart) Wo-ooh!

Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.
Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.

The thing with Bob Marley is that he brought out the best in people, and the worst in people.  He wanted everyone to know themselves and what monstrosities they are capable of.  He purposely never wrote a will or allocated his belongings after learning his cancer was terminal.  He wanted his friends and family to face their own demons of possession and greed.  At least, that’s according to the Bob Marley biography on Netflix.

Wow my last client was a bitch!  This hardly ever happens.  Ugh.  Whatever dude..

Speaking of bitch, I’ve done a bad thing.  Not intentionally though I swear!

A while back I wrote about why and how I resigned from Massage Envy.  This involved a pic of the lead therapist.  I love that post, absolutely love it.  It’s hysterical and well written.  Everything in it is factual.  So anyway, I copied her profile pic off of FaceBook and stuck it here on my blog.  Little did I know that her name was attached to that photo.  File names are extremely sensitive to google searches, every SEO knows this.

Now I have people searching her name and sure enough, they’re directed here to my blog to read the full scale of what kind of woman she is.

I never meant for this to happen!  I went in and changed the file name, but I’m still getting hits off of her.  It’s a big world, there’s got to be more than one person out there with her name.  I pray she never googles herself.

Everything you do has consequences.  The universe works in the way of karma.  It’s not to keep things in balance, but to teach and guide you.  Nobody learns.  People need to meditate!

Did I do something wrong here?  Should I take into account my own callous actions?  I’m no great neutralizer, I’m not the karma God.  What gives me the right to sully her name all over the net?

Oh well too late….

I have to put my blog down for a while.  I ordered two new books on Amazon about the Camino that I need to read.  They should be coming today (yay!).  I also want to touch up on my Spanish.  I have a weird adaptation to languages, I can learn them in a jiffy (math however, I’m a complete dunderhead).  I still need to go to the bank to deposit my Camino money and book my flights and hotel and all that jazz.  Figure out what historic sites I want to see.  Basically, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

So farewell to you dear blog.  You’re amazing, never forget that!

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Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help