Category Archives: work

I’m Not Hypoglycemic

My mom tested my sugar level a few days ago with her diabetes machine and it was perfectly normal.  I don’t have hypoglycemia, but I know for sure I can’t drink 12 beers anymore.

My moped came in the mail a few days ago.  It came in a big metal crate that I had to take apart with my tiny wrench and delicate hands.  My hands got all cut up in the process and once it was unboxed, the damn thing wouldn’t budge until I installed the front wheel and the handlebars.  It was cold and wet out, I was tired.  And I had to give a massage in a couple hours.

After 3 hours of unboxing and fitting the pieces together, I was completely covered in mud from the melty snow and having to sit in puddles.  I wheeled my moped into my bedroom for the time being and here it sits still.

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I’m supposed ride across the country on this thing?  I had to use a damn crowbar to get the front wheel on!  What am I supposed to do when I’m out in the middle of nowhere with a flat tire?  I’m not carrying around a damn crowbar, that’s for sure.

And they spelled “riding” wrong.  Not just once, but several times on a warning label printed to the bike.

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I can’t figure out the first bullet point, pay attention to natural protection when ridding in the field.  Say what?

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I’ve been so tired lately.  I know I’m always tired, but more so than usual.  Last night I fell asleep at 7:00.

I took a quiz online to tell me if I’m depressed but when I got to the end result page, they asked for my email address and wouldn’t give my results until I confirmed my email address and I said, “ah fuck it.”

I don’t feel depressed though, just really really tired.

I have to do my taxes.  I’m blogging instead and feel like taking a nap.  And I have to do some other things like fill out the online warranty for my bike, fill out a very long questionnaire about my credit card processing software I use at work.  If I don’t fill it out by tomorrow, I get fined.

My insurance company is doing an audit to see how much I pay my employee’s and if it matches up with what I told them.

Two of my employee’s who’ve been with me for the last 3 years are quitting.  One got offered a managerial position and the other is opening up her own spa.  It didn’t come as a shock as they both told me months prior.  And one of them only works 10 hours a week (and rarely gets requests) so she’s not a huge loss.

It’s just that I have all these little (big) things to do that I can never relax.

The receptionist I hired recently, my friend Jill, I don’t know how I managed without her.  I don’t know how I got through last month, massaging all my clients, massaging the onslaught of couples massages, cleaning, organizing, restocking, answering the phone…..

December feels like a millennia ago.  So much has changed, has gotten better, but every time I see improvement, a new worry crops up.  I need to find a full time morning therapist who can also work Sundays.  I need her by March.  And she HAS to be good.

I need to do taxes not only for my current business, but for my last business as well – the one I closed down due to inappropriate behavior of one of my therapists.  It’s like having to do double taxes.

The shit doesn’t stop.

I had to massage 4 clients yesterday because my therapist took the day off due to her dog having puppies.  My employee, the one who is a close talker, annoyed me so much.  He makes what is called “small talk”.  I HATE small talk.  I hate when people get physically close to me.  And I’m starting to hate being touched.  Having to give 4 massages while having a bunch of other shit to do on top of it, and then having some guy in my face making “small talk” is enough to take me over the edge.

I don’t have to go to work until Friday night for one couples massage.  Today is Monday.  This is an improvement, a very noticeable one.  But like I said, I still have shit, I still worry.

As for my finances, it’s still too soon to tell if I can make it to April without going into debt.  (I sold 600 massages on Groupon last month and used that money to pay off $14,000 of debt which leaves me with no money to pay my employee’s with.)

If I can’t make it to April, I’m not going to go into actual debt but instead sell more groupons until everything evens out.  But in all honesty, it looks like I CAN make it to April without selling more groupons or dipping into my line of credit.  The business is finally slowing down and we’re not as booked up as before except on the weekend.

So my plan is to not sell anymore groupons until I replace my full-time therapist.  Once she’s been replaced, I can get away with selling at least 200 more couples massages for $12,200, and pay off the remainder of my debt by April.  I’m hoping to sell 100 couples massages at the end of February, and then another 100 at the end of March.  Space them out a bit.

I should fill out that goddamned questionnaire now before I get a stinking business fine.  Ridiculous.

My dog is taking up my whole bed and it’s pissing me off.

Just find one more therapist – that’s all I need.  I’m almost there, I’m almost free.

What will my life be like in April?  Will I be debt free?  Will I never have to work?  It’s incredible to think about how so much can change in 3 months.  So much has changed in just this last month, let alone 3.

Then I can start writing about my bizarre dreams again.  I had a few doozies that I wrote down, but they fade from memory if I don’t blog about them immediately.

 

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Self-diagnosed hypoglycemic

My brain doesn’t want to function today.  I’m clumsy, having trouble remembering things, trying hard not to slur my words – it’s bad.

I’m sure a lot of tired, over-worked people say that their brains don’t want to function, but when I say it, it’s quite literal.

Today marks the second time in my life where I felt like I might die from alcohol poisoning.  The first time I encountered this, I’m pretty sure I wrote a post about it entitled “Melanie gets alcohol poisoning” and I written it at least 2 years ago.

This second time around (not as bad as that first time), I decided to do some research and found out that that my glucose levels were dangerously low.  Our brains don’t function without glucose.  Every single symptom I had matched up with hypoglycemia and even the cause of the attack matched.

The worst of these symptoms involves a sheer unadulterated terror of dying.  You think water boarding is torture?  Try low glucose.

I hope I don’t get permanent brain damage from a glucose shortage.

The cure to this?  I have to eat a lot of carbs and drink sugary beverages – basically enlarging my ever widening ass.

Exercise causes low blood sugar, alcohol, caffeine, carb-free diet fads, any diet in general really.

I’m never drinking again.  I really mean it this time.  I drank 12 beers last night and I felt wonderful.  My friend tested my blood sugar by the end of the night and it was at 98 (after drinking 12 beers), but the thing with that is, it doesn’t start dropping until hours later while I’m sleeping and I wake up with a scary histamine headache and an inability to comprehend human speech.  I can telepathically communicate with dogs though.

It takes 16 hours for the liver to fully process all the alcohol out of my system and after that 16 hour period, my liver can start making glucose again (or whatever it does, I forgot already).  I went 16 hours without the ability to produce glucose.

It’s 11:13 PM and I’m feeling better, but there’s still a lingering panic.  Not like the death panic I had earlier, but about my business.

I hired so many people and I used the groupon money to pay off $21,000 of debt, where now I’m left in that horrible gray area of not knowing if the business can survive these rash decisions.

If the business can survive these next 4 months (the groupons expire in 4 months), it’ll be a success.  I can permanently end all worry pertaining to my business.  I’ll still worry but it’ll be about my parents getting old, where my life is headed, if I got residual brain damage from this last hypoglycemic attack…etc, etc.

Drinking 12 beers and almost killing myself was not the worst thing I did last night.  You want to hear the worst thing?  I’ll tell you anyway.

My dear friend whom I was visiting yesterday asked me (when I was over-the-wall inebriated) if she can work for me and I gave her my stupid toothy grin and said “sure!”.

My brain, although half-way dead and poisoned at the time, still managed to preform its stunning micro-minute “think before you speak” response (my sugar was still normal at the time) and it reasoned “I trust this girl.  If I don’t hire her now, she might find a different job and I’ll regret it later.  I can’t leave my business unattended or it’ll burn and fizzle into a fiery hell pit of regret where I’ll live in squalor and die penniless and alone with a weighted cement-filled chest cavity replete with a side salad of suicidal slaw.

After I responded with “Sure!” and having my micro-minute think session, I told her “The job is $12.50 an hour 10-2 Monday through Friday.”

She fired back:  “That’s perfect.”

We agreed right then and there that we shall go to work the very next day (today) and train.  I trained her during my glucose shortage attack.  Without eating, and after drinking coffee which only acerbated the problem not to mention I slept for a total of 10 minutes because I couldn’t stop picking at my damn cuticles.

It taken me two and a half hours going over everything with her, at least, that’s what I said once the clock chimed 12:30.  Then I remembered more stuff to tell her and another hour went by.  I’ve never taken the time to train anybody so thoroughly.  My reasoning behind that being; if I make it simple, they’ll think it simple.

But anyway, then how you ask, is this decision the worst thing that happened to me last night other than almost killing myself?  Because now, no matter how much sense it made at the time and even now it makes sense still, It was a bad decision because it’s causing me panic.

The saying “slippery slope” is playing on a loop in my head like listening to the worlds worst iPod Shuffle.

“Slippery slope Mel, you’re on a slippery slope.  Don’t forget the slope is slick.  Slick and down you go.”

“Evil august 2015, you remember that?  This feels similar, yes?  Making the same mistakes?  Biting off too much to chew?  Are we ready to see your money all gone this time next month?”  (Each question getting higher and higher in pitch).

I annoy myself better than anyone else can.  Man, what a douche I can be.

I’ve been through this shit before so I know how to handle it this second time around.  It’s always about making a choice.  I’m choosing that my business will succeed – I choose that.  At all costs, it will prevail these trying times.  I’m giving myself no other option.

This kind of mentality stops my panic dead in its tracks.  There’s so much power behind it.  I know how I sound right now, I know I sound nuts again…..

Maybe if I put it a different way;  Like for instance, when I say “at all costs”, to me those words mean an infinite array of chances.  An infinite throng of opportunities, making it quite literally, impossible to fail.  There exists too many ideas and variables that are fully in my control, making the fate of my business entirely my doing (or undoing).

It’s like this;  Sometimes you can’t predict the situations being thrust upon you – it’s as the great saying goes, Shit Happens.  But it’s solely your responsibility on how to handle said shit.  Even if it doesn’t belong to you, it’s literally impossible for you not to react to it.  If you choose not to react, guess what?  No reaction is still a reaction and it’s nobody else’s but your own, hence the responsibility.  And with great responsibility comes great power.

You’re only a victim if you choose not to fight.

Did someone leave a baby on your doorstep?  Well, that baby might not be yours but you’re definitely responsible for him now (at least by bringing him inside and calling the authorities).

I got that last little bit from a book.  I think it’s called “How to not give a fuck.”

Shit, I need to go to sleep god damn it.

But what I’m trying to say is that we are responsible for the choices we make.  And by knowing you’re responsible, creates your personal power juice bank.  Why is this?  Awareness of responsibility, breeds choice.  The more you hold yourself accountable for your actions, can breed a litter of choice puppies – ways out, puzzles solved, stresses put to their final resting place.

Oh shit I really have to sleep now.

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Business Update

I went to work at 10:00 today to see there were 16 missed calls.  16 unheard voicemails blinking on display.

“Mother fucking shit.”

I’m still having trouble going to work while I have no clients as I stated in my last post.  I rationalized that my employee’s will never learn how to do anything on their own if I’m there spoon-feeding them.

I hired yet another therapist, Lara, bringing the total count to 13 massage therapists that work for me.  I felt I had no choice.  I was entering panic with the amount of clients we have.  We’ve been so busy that I’m massaging again, only couple’s massages though.  We sold 600 couples massages last month so I’ve got no choice but to help out.

I love this new therapist though.  I want to be her best friend kind of love.  She’s a 41 year old hippy chic with dreads, one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.

Tomorrow is Payday for all my new employee’s.  It’s the moment of truth day.  My employee’s made $2,136 and my independent contractors made $2,060 bringing the total to $4,196.

It’s January 11th and I have $18,600 in the bank.  If I want to pay my debt off by April, I’ll need to pay $4,600 of it this month, but I’m too scared to do it.

I’d be in good shape if I didn’t pay off $21,000 of debt these past few months, I’d have $40,000 in the bank right now.

Anyway, I have to go back to work.  Lara is coming in to learn how to do the signature couple’s massages at 2:00 and I need to be there anyway to answer phones, and I have a couples massage at 6:00.

Things are scary for me right now, I ain’t gonna lie.  It’s unnerving not having to massage as much as before, it’s discombobulating.  I feel uncalibrated.  I’m not sure if I screwed myself or what.  I need a few months to normalize, to get these signature couples redeemed and balance my books – to stop massaging for good and see what I’m left with at the end of each month.  Too much is questionable right now.

According to my current fear level, I doubt I’ll make my cross-country trip this year.

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I slept for 15 hours today

It might be more, who’s counting?  I went to bed at around 12 midnight last night, woke up at 11 than took a long nap after lunch – a seriously long nap until 5:30 in the evening.

I could NOT wake up.

December has been the longest month of my life.  I put in 70 hour work-weeks, decorated a new massage room, massaged about a hundred people, trained new employee’s etc etc…

And the money I spent…..oh god the money I spent……If you knew how much money I spent, you would push me down a flight of stairs and stomp on my head while yelling “what’s wrong with you?  What’s wrong with you?” Until I resembled Glenn from the Walking Dead.

I felt like Glenn last month.  I welcomed in the New Year while looking like Glenn.

Thus, why I’ve slept 15 hours today.  I’m surprised I haven’t gotten myself sick.  In fact, I haven’t gotten sick since I switched the type of e-cig I use.

As for my debt, I’m now roughly $14,000 in the hole.  A little less than $14,000 actually.  I just have two bills left to pay, my car loan and my credit card.

I think the last time I wrote (December 3rd, seems like forever ago), I was $27,000 in debt.  I spent $13,000 on my debt alone last month and while I was at it, bought myself a moped for my cross-country adventure this summer.

$13,000 towards my debt, $1,700 on a moped, paying my employee’s 3 times instead of two, christmas presents, christmas bonuses for my employee’s, I bought my business insurance and workman’s comp insurance for next year (about $1,000).

This was all made possible by selling 600 signature couples massages on Groupon in the span of one month.  We are SLAMMED at work.  We’re at full capacity.  And these 600 signature couple’s massages expire in April, only 4 months away and the damage is gone.  I can lob off the rest of my debt before then.  At least, I think I can.

And the glory of it all, Groupon still owes me $15,000.  They pay it off in little chunks until April and with that money, I can pay my employee’s with.

Basically, my plan worked.  It worked better than expected.  I didn’t expect I’d be able to take myself off the schedule entirely and enter into Phase III so soon.

Anyway, I feel like I can sleep for a week….

That leaves me with two very important things I must do in order for my moped journey to happen.  ONE:  Pay off the rest of my debt and TWO:  hire a receptionist/manager.

When I left the business for a month two years ago, we had less than half the clients we do now.  I had less than half the staff.  Everything was simple, easy.  Things aren’t like that anymore.  The business will crash and burn without someone there holding it together.

I’m really good at visualizing and getting a feel for things, how everything looks on paper is not how it is in real life and I can see the real life side, not the paper side.  That’s partly why I was a shitty student.  In real life, without someone there, it’ll be complete chaos.  Long time employee’s will quit and clients will lose faith.  Having an online scheduling system only takes us so far.

But that’s not my main problem right now.  I have one very BIG pressing problem at the moment and once you hear it, you’ll hate me.

Having to go to work even when I have no clients.

I don’t want to bore you too much with explaining this, but yes, this is actually a problem for me.  It is just as it sounds.

I need to be there or else the business will crash and burn – especially now.  Now that we have 600 signature massages out there that need to get redeemed.

It’s not funny, it’s critical.  Quite critical.

My new employee’s don’t know how to do anything.  They don’t know the computer, don’t know how to answer the phone, answer questions….cash people out….They are still too new and some only work one or two days a week making it very difficult to even learn anything.

I wanted to go to work today.  I set my alarm for 9:00AM and slept right through it.  When I finally woke up, I couldn’t move.  This was day one of not having to massage anymore.  If this behavior keeps up, I lose everything I worked for.

It comes down to discipline.  I’m not disciplined.  I hated homework.  Going to work when I have no clients, is like having to do homework.  That’s the best way I can explain it.  And it’s not actually homework since I can’t stay home to do it, it’s more like workwork, which is worse than homework.

I gotta do workwork….

It might sound like a trivial problem, but it’s so much deeper.  It’s like going to the gym.  Most people don’t like going to the gym and they get stuck with a year-round membership they wish they can take back.

It’s like that.  It’s like going to the gym during winter when it’s freezing out and instead of working out, you go there to do workwork.

You know what will fix it?  A receptionist.  But I can’t hire one until my debt is paid and even then, I don’t know if I can afford one.

I keep learning and evolving, that’s what owning a business has done for me and I’m entering into the hardest evolutionary process of them all:  Discipline.  As much as I hated massage, I did it because I had no choice hence requiring little discipline.  But now….the fate of my business hinges on me finding some.  It’s harder than massaging people, harder than anything I’ve done so far.

I can’t explain it any better, but I’m rambling so I gotta end this post.  Tomorrow I must work.

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Phase III Initiated

I might be dumb, I might be a lot of things.  But there comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to make a choice.

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I just hired my last and final therapist.  Someone who can rip the nails out from my coffin, bringing me to life again.

With her here, she is the missing piece.  The last to my jigsaw.  I no longer have to massage anybody for the rest of my life.  My prayers have been answered.

While I was massaging today I kept thinking to myself, – “Thank you Jesus,  Oh thank you Jesus.”

I know what’s happening here.  I think it’s a form of transference.  When you project your hopes onto a false reality.  It’s why so many people blindly believe in organized religion (I still love Hinduism and Judaism, don’t get me wrong).  It’s a hope that you want to believe in so badly, that you end up donating your entire life savings to.

I’m about to donate my entire life savings on such a hope.  The hope of entering into Phase III.

What’s Phase III?

Phase I was hiring employee’s to work for me.

Phase II was taking myself off the online scheduler.

Phase III is taking myself entirely off the schedule.  Including clients who request me.

Phase III is freedom, that’s what Phase III is.  And according to my limited scope of reality, it’s here.

I’m laying in bed.  Inconsolably tired and aching at 10:30pm after working from 9:30am until 8 o’clock at night.  I work these hours just about every single day.

I decided today that I’ve paid my due’s.  Whatever bad karma I did in my past life that caused me having to massage thousands of people in this life, well, I’ve met my quota dear friend.  I wash my hands of it.  My soul is so fucking clean you can eat off it like it’s goddamn kitchen floor tile.

I’m sorry, my brain is liquified.

I picked a day that I will cross-over into Phase III and that day is January 1, 2017.  Next month.  Which means that all the clients who request me this month, can’t rebook with me next month.  It’ll be like breaking up with 32 people.

A few weeks ago, I decided to prep a little for my cross-country trip by counting all the clients who request me.  I wanted to have a list of them ready so that way, when it came time to notify them that I’ll no longer be massaging, I’ll be prepared.

I have approximately 32 clients who absolutely love me and refuse to see anyone else.

Think about it.  Just think that these poor people who pay me, who only take an hour out of my life a month will now be denied access simply because I don’t want to do it anymore.

Client – “But Mel, it’s only for an hour, I’ll work around your schedule!  I’ll pay you extra!”

Me – “No no no, I don’t want to.”

I mean, what kind of monster am I?

I have 3 of these people that I have to face tomorrow.  All of them will be hard to handle.  It’s like it’s my last test of strength – the hardest test of all.  I completely buckle, I’m a wet noodle when it comes to saying no.

I don’t deserve them anyway.  It they read my blog, they wouldn’t want me.

But the thing is, everything has to come to an end at some point.  People move away, get laid off, don’t have the time – whatever the reason may be, they’ll eventually stop seeing me.  It doesn’t matter what the reason is, they will all eventually stop.  And then new ones crop up.  A continuous cycle.

It ultimately DOES NOT MATTER how it ends, how ANYTHING ends.  We all have a single destination and that place is called change.

I have to send them all a group email so that way no one feels like they’re being singled out.  So they don’t take it personally, like they’re the only one’s being rejected.  There’s safety in numbers.

I hope I have my brain back by the time I write the letter.  It’s awfully soggy as of late.  Damn 60 hour work weeks….

But yes, January 1st, 2017 is quite literally a fresh new start to bigger and brighter adventures.  Having it land on New Years Day couldn’t be anymore perfect.

But what was I saying in the beginning?  I may be dumb?  Well, what I’m about to do might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.  All based on one girl who told me (yesterday) that she wants to work 12-5 Wednesday thru Saturday.  A girl who is young, smart, and experienced – my perfect replacement.  She has yet to tell me when she can start work.

Yes, I’m majorly stupid, majorly projecting my hopes.  But this nonsense has got to stop.

Oh shit now I’m worrying myself that she’s not going to call back.    >.<

Another stupid thing I did was pay off my Amazon credit card bill which brings my total debt down to $27,300.  It’s stupid because, what if I still need that money?  It’s gone now.

I have to sleep.  Tomorrow is a big day, a long day.  But my fantasies and daydreams never felt more brilliant and real.  Thank you delusion!

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I’ve been wearing the same shirt everyday for the last two weeks!

Without washing it!  Without washing it!!

I’ve been  enthusiastically telling everyone about this shirt and instead of them being impressed or amazed, they laugh and look at me like I’m crazy.  And then I look at them like they’re crazy.  How can they not be amazed?  My shirt is a call for celebration!  It’s a goddamned tribute to human accomplishment!

Mom – “It’s going to walk off without you in it.”

Me – “But it’s amazing!”

It’s not just a regular shirt.  It’s a state of the art, technologically advanced, secret organic fillion-made super shirt and I’m apparently the only person in the word in awe of it.

Me and Mollie were giving a four-handed massage to one of our old faithful member clients.

Me – “You want to hear something cool?”

Client – “What?”

Me – “I’ve been wearing this shirt everyday for the last two weeks!”

They both crack up in hysterics.

Mollie – “Why would you bring that up now?”  She said in-between gasps of laughter.  “Oh my god Melanie.”  It looked like she was crossing her legs trying not to pee.

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It’s now November 26th.  A week or two after starting this post.  I’ve been wearing this t-shirt for at least 21 days now.  I ordered another just like it and a long-sleeve shirt too.  Knowing me, I’d make these shirts my official wardrobe.  Three lonely shirts hanging in my closet next to an array of hoodies that amazingly enough, also never get dirty.

Okay, enough about my shirts.  Let’s focus on me for a change.  The girl inside the shirt.

I’m exhausted and cranky (what else is new?).  I fired one of my new hires because she was beginning to piss me off.  It’s not worth the effort writing about it, I’m just glad she’s gone.  She was a flippin’ loony toon.

My new male therapist is great, clients love him, my co-workers love him, but he’s a close talker.  Whenever I ask him a simple question, he mounts his face right up to my own and proceeds to answer my question with his awful breath.  I swear I’m not embellishing any of this – it’s so absurd that it’s comical, but not comical while it’s happening.  Just the way he walks over to me, to get so close to me – shoulder to shoulder.  It’s like his breath is his way of saying “fuck you” to me.

He was talking to me one day while I was busy and/or just wanted quiet thinking time and I got up and hid in a massage room where I carried out playing on my iPhone.  I felt guilty as fuck, but I’m at my wit’s end.  The more therapists I have, the more I have to over-see, and I’m still massaging a great deal of people.  If I stop to talk to someone, I forget what I was doing or what I have to do.  There’s always something I forgot to do.  So I get short with my therapists and even with my clients sometime.

( I just remembered I have to email a client!)

I’m so tired and it’s only 5:30 at night.  My co-workers client didn’t show up today so I passed my client on to her.  This is my first night of relaxation in a long time.  Thanksgiving wasn’t relaxing so that doesn’t count.  I was supposed to go over to my friends house after dinner but that didn’t happen, I’m supposed to go to a friends house tonight but that’s not happening either.  I’m too miserable.  Too bitchy.  Nobody should ever see me like this.  I can’t move anyway.

This is why I can’t massage anymore – I’m incapable of fake smiling, always have been.  I’m incapable of anything fake.  That’s why I come off as a cranky bitch.  Either I’m a cranzy (accidentally mixed crazy with cranky) bitch or a non-personality, blank empty eyed person.  Completely hollow.  Wilted and beaten.  It’s literally bad for my business to continue like this.  It’s bad for life.

I miss myself.

My bank account on the 19th of this month was around $9,921 if my memory serves correctly, but it doesn’t matter what it was.  This month I spent a gargantuan amount of money on furnishing the new massage room.  $600 alone just on the carpet, $300 at home depot, $150 at Pier One, $300 at Ikea, $175 for the security deposit.  Then I bought the Playstation VR for $530, renewed my massage insurance for $250, paid $700 in quarterly taxes, $800 on a marketing stunt (which I’ll make back), several more hundred on random Amazon buys.  And I’m finishing the month with paying off my Sears bill of $1600.

But here’s the thing….the new massage room is completed.  I have therapists on the schedule, ready to take clients.  These two things mean that I can really let loose with selling those Signature couple’s massages on Groupon.  We’ll be able to keep up even with a massive flood of them.  My debt is seeing it’s last and final days.  I’m roughly $31,000 in the hole.

This is it.  The only thing I have to be careful of is that my therapists get paid 3 times instead of 2 next month.  Normally I’d be shitting bricks due to this fact, but since those couple’s massages are selling like hot cakes, and it being December (the most lucrative time of year), I can actually get away with paying my therapists 3 times and paying a little extra towards my debt.

If I can pay it all off by April 1st, good, that’s great.  That would make it exactly one year of my life I spent paying off $50,000 of debt.  But it’s more likely to happen in June.  If I pay it all off by June, that makes my cross-country trip difficult and highly improbable.  I’d be cutting my trip really close to fall.  And I’ll be traveling on a mo-ped, carrying the least amount of warm clothing as possible.

But I have to do this.  I HAVE to take this stupid trip.  I can’t wait for another year to revolve.

If my debt is paid off by June, I quit massaging and hire a receptionist.  This might be an impecunious, tumultuous time if I don’t play my cards right.  To leave the business for nearly a month after such an abrupt change in finances to literally go “joy riding” might be a bad idea.

But knowing me, I’d take that risk.  I’d live on spam and sleep outside on park benches.  Anything to make it happen.  It’s really, the only thing I have to look forward to.  It’s either eat spam and sleep on a park bench, or give up and just die already.

That’s a glimpse of just how sick and tired I am.  Eating spam on a park bench sounds amazing.

I can’t write anymore.  Writing, I think, is still the only thing I really strive for.

If only you were in my shoe’s, you’d know I don’t have the capacity for anything right now.

I sincerely hate massaging people, hate waking up early to have to massage a string of people.  Keeping up with phones, laundry, emails, messes, schedules, annoying therapists, paperwork, payroll, angrily hanging up on telemarketers.  Then having the general malaise of worry.  Thinking that I forgot to do something.  Take out the trash, clean the bathrooms….

Annoying therapists who invade my personal space to ask me how my thanksgiving was while I can vividly smell his dinner from last night being broken down by stomach acids.

My other therapist telling me her son is sick and she doesn’t know if she can work tomorrow.

I forgot to do something….what was it?

I have to email a client.

I can’t do this anymore.  I really can’t do this anymore.

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Fuck the election

I just taken an oxycodone.  I know nothing about narcotics, only that this one is pretty popular.  My friend gave it to me a while back and I tucked it away for a rainy day.

I wanted to do some research before gulping it down and I found out that if I crush this little bugger instead of swallowing it, I can die.  My friend forgot to mention that little nugget of trivia.  If I chew and swallow, I might never wake up.

It’s 8:33 PM.  Well, actually it’s really 9:33 because of daylight savings.  We just fell behind today.

This pill is time-released.  That’s why you can’t chew it.  You shouldn’t even cut it in half.

I’m starting to get very sleepy.

That post I wrote, the one with the $$$ as its title, I just want to clarify that it’s still too early to know for certain if I’m actually netting $100 a day.  It’s too soon to tell.  It’s on par with someone announcing on Facebook that they’re one week pregnant.  Or that their boyfriend had just inserted his penis and taken it back out and now there might be babies (smiling and celebratory emoji’s).

Most pregnancy’s don’t even make it to full term, so this new found success of mine is like a week old fetus, not even that.  It’s the sperm still in the sack.  And not even a healthy sack.  It’s a 300 pound 40 year old virgins sack is where my success is.  Basically non-existant.

I’ve been working a lot.  An insane amount.  The president of the United States works less than I do and thus, the oxycodone that now resides in my gut.  Gently eking out blissful lullaby’s.

I need MORE therapists.  Here’s who I hired so far:  Karyl, Patricia, Igor, Debora, Austin and Lori.  All within the last 30 days.

And it’s still not enough.

I finally felt it today, the anger welling up inside.  It was unbearable and I hate myself for it.  How can I be angry that my business is busy?  How can I be angry that clients like us and that I finally have some extra dough?

Because I hate giving massage.  I hate it, detest it, I loathe it, abhor it.  And while I’m massaging, the phone goes unanswered, the emails, unchecked.  My new employee’s are clueless as to what to do (I haven’t had time to train them).

With each client I massage, I sink further and further into a wretched venomous anger.  I feel my horns, the scales on the back of my throat, an acidic burn.  I become the embodiment of evil.  Miserable.  The most miserable wretched person.  The most ungrateful, naive, spoilt bratty prat.

I don’t often feel anger and it’s amazing that I feel it under these circumstances – having to give copious amounts of massage.  I mean, who gets angry over that?  I mean really angry?  As much as I do?

One of my new therapists got booked last minute for a half-hour massage today and she asked if someone else can take it (aka me).  I wanted to punch her.

That’s what sparked my anger, my outrage, by her asking that.  Of course I said no.  What I really wanted to say was, “are you fucking kidding me?”

I was angry for the rest of the day, until I finished with my last client.  All because she asked that.

I added another massage room to the lease.  It’s a real shit-hole.  The amount of work that needs to be done is seismic.  And we need that room set up as soon as humanly possible so every time I have to massage someone, I get angry.  I get angry because I have NO TIME for anything.

Two of my co-workers asked if I was Okay – I had no idea, literally no clue, my aggravation was showing on the outside.

People are so caught up in the election.  Fuck the election.  I don’t give a shit about the election.  Literally, this year feels like a civil war between Trump and Hillary fans.  If you’re a Trump fan, Hillary fans will smite you, belittle you, call you names and same goes for Trump fans.  And it’s such a close race that the entire election is based off of smear campaigns.  Whoever has the biggest most recent scandal on Tuesday will be the loser.  Last week, Trump had the biggest scandal but this week, Hillary’s is bigger (maybe not bigger, but more recent).  It doesn’t matter how big the scandal is, as long as it’s not in todays paper, you’re safe.  Your policies don’t matter, only your character.  Only trust matters.  And only if you can be trusted TODAY.  Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today.

I think all Trump and Hillary supporters are idiots (sorry 85% of my Facebook friends).

Holy shit I’m tired.

I’m just tired, period.  Even without the oxycodone, I’m sick and tired.  Sick and tired thinking my reprieve is right over this last and final hill I have to climb.  It’s never the last and final hill, there’s always another.  And that’s where my anger comes from.

This little pill is acting like a sleeping pill, not much else is happening.  No euphoria or anything like that.  It’s BS.  At least my back’s no longer hurting.

I was cruising Facebook earlier and found out that China has a tradition of eating dogs for one week a year.  The facebook post was a petition to get it stopped.  The dog eating begins in 7 days.  There were pictures of dogs getting boiled alive and set on fire alive, I can NOT read stuff like that.  Each year, less and less Chinese are attending the event.  Most of them find it sickening.  There are protesters everywhere, it’s not a safe celebration anymore with so many activists these days and knowing that, makes me feel better.

But I can’t stop hugging and kissing my dog now.  I feel like by me loving him so much and taking care of him, I’m somehow helping the poor dogs in China, and the poor starving strays worldwide actually.  Like I’m giving them a big hug too.

If only I can see people the way I see dogs, you know what I mean?  People suffer too, they’ve been burned, molested, tortured….people suffer every day.  But you don’t see me hugging and kissing people like I’m hugging and kissing my dog (and all the dogs of the world).

I don’t get it.  Maybe people cancel each other out.  People make other people suffer, so by me loving people, that means I’m also loving the abusers, the molesters, the narcissists.  Yes, people definitely cancel each other out.  When I hug one person, it’s not like I’m hugging all the people in all the world.  Not like when I hug my dog.

 

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Filed under journal, philosophy, Politics, random thoughts, rant, Self help, work

Dreams

I keep having dreams about prison almost every single night for the last two weeks.  Before two weeks ago, I never had a prison dream, let alone any dream that appears almost every night.

I’m dreaming again because my current bedtime audiobook is the Tao Te Ching.  It’s only an hour and 43 minutes so it doesn’t last all night and into morning like my last audiobook did.  When the book ends, the dreams begin.

Usually the prison dreams are harmless.  All the characters from Orange is The New Black are there.  Red acts as my Mother and cares for me while all the prisoners are happy and don’t want to leave.  Almost like they forgot they’re in prison.  They only care about hooking up with each other and little else.  I was the only one that wanted to escape, which I did by the end of each dream.

The prison was actually a happy place but only because every one was preoccupied with hooking up.  There were rumors about prisoners wanting to hook up with me, but I ignored them and focused instead on breaking out.

All the prison dreams are like this.  All except last night when things turned dark.

The prison started out at as being a school.  I was in class trying to pay attention to the teacher when this one boy kept inching his desk closer and closer to me until he was right next to me shoulder to shoulder.

He had a crush on me and instead of me being flattered, I despised it.  I told myself to be nice to him so I don’t accidentally hurt his feelings.  “Just be nice Mel, keep you’re cool.”

But when he got to be shoulder to shoulder with me, I flew into a rage.  I pushed him and said “get the fuck off me!”.  Even though I specifically told myself not to do that, I couldn’t help myself.

That’s when the school turned into a prison but instead of it being a regular prison, it was more like a school.  The cells were classrooms.  I left the classroom to get away from that boy and plotted my escape once again but this time I wasn’t alone.

I had two friends with me.  A comical big fat black woman and a regular dude about my age, maybe a little younger.

We were caught trying to escape and sent to the disciplinary department which doubled as a shoe department.  The sadistic shoe maker gave us new shoes and as punishment for trying to flee, he nailed the shoes to my friends feet.  I was next in line to get the nails, but the shoe maker over looked me, saying that I wasn’t as much of an idiot as the other two I was with.

My friends could no longer run, but I could.  And so I did.

I ran through the school/prison and had to pee really bad.  I found the bathroom where all the stalls were, and the custodians were there working on a new toilet system involving tubes everywhere and the toilet I was to sit on was too high of a reach.  I was trying to climb up on the toilet when the dude I was with previously, the one who got the nails in his feet, busted in and said “Melanie!  What are you doing?!”  He was upset I wanted to leave the place.

“I’m trying to pee but the seat is too high.  I keep falling off.  Why are you in the women’s room?”

“I wanted to know how you like your hamburger.”

“My hamburger?  What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“I’ll just put ketchup on it.”

And he left to go fetch me a hamburger.  He was starting to like me and wanted to impress me with a hamburger, and because of that, he lost all coherence of being in a prison and instead focused on impressing me.

That’s when I woke up and really had to pee.

In real life, there’s a guy I hung out with about a month ago.  He’s an old friend who I haven’t hung out with in 18 years and he contacted me on Facebook.  I kept putting him off for maybe a month or two when finally I said screw it and met him for a drink at a bar/restaurant in walking distance from my house.

Since then, he’s called and texted me non-stop.  He called at 2:30AM last night when I had to wake up at 7AM.  I was pissed.  So pissed that I almost flew into a rage like in my dream.  But instead, I calmed myself and put him under the Do Not Disturb option on my phone.

I’m pretty sure the dreams started because of him.  I told him how I feel relationships are like a prison.  People focus on relationships instead of trying to break out of their bleak working lives.  And since then, the prison dreams are relentless.

But they make sense to me.  The perfect analogy.  But I’m not sitting around all day thinking about it, the only time I remember thinking about it was with that guy I hung out with.  So it’s perplexing that I’m dreaming of prison this often when I never think about it in waking life.

Maybe they’ll stop now.  Now that I’ve written about it.

I was also scared about getting sued because the window of opportunity of that happening was inching down.  The prison dreams may have also stemmed from that as well.

**********************************

On May 20th I wrote a detailed plan for my business.

img_3839

Okay, so not very detailed, but the plan is still a go.

July and August I found myself with having one or two clients a day.  I lounged around watching bad sci-fi movies on Netflix and worried about my productivity.

“What if I’m like this when I don’t have to work at all anymore?  Just laying around doing nothing?”

But then from the grace of god, I found myself with 5 days off in a row in late August.  Not a single client.  During these five days, I practiced the piano, went to Rhode Island and stayed over night (the first time this year), devised a new member client system, went hiking twice (the first time this year), hung out with valued friends.

I can’t remember the last time I had 5 days off in a row (besides taking trips).  And during these 5 days I realized that I’m not as lazy as I think.  Everything I wanted to do, everything that I put off, I did in those 5 days.  All the while, worrying about my business.  If the phone is being answered and if clients are happy – I was tethered to the business and couldn’t fully relax.  Same thing happened when I went to Alaska.  Impending doom circled my head like a halo.

But then my employee cut her hours and I’m back at it again.  Massaging 3 or 4 clients a day.  I feel relieved that I’m there overseeing everything, but miserable that I have to massage again.  I’m relieved too that I can squirrel away even more cash to pay off my debt, but miserable that this tirade of struggle seems to go on and on.

I feel really close this time though.  Just a few more months until freedom.  But I’m struggling with the first leg of my plan, paying off at least one of my bills to free up money needed to afford the extra massage room.  I can afford it now, but that’s going against the plan.  It’s jumping the gun.  Bad things happen when I do that.

I have no choice but to wait until one bill is paid off.  The suspense of how my plan will turn out is killing me.

*****************************

My newest fantasy while massaging people is that of my cross-country adventure.  I decided not to go with a motorcycle, but a moped instead.  You can ride a moped anywhere and if the engine breaks down or I run out of gas, I can peddle the damn thing.  I can freely ride the cross-country bicycle trails.  That’s the main reason for wanting a moped.  I even picked out the bike I want.

Going cross-country on a highway, in my opinion, would be a shit time and the point of this expedition will turn into a destination trip and not a site seeing journey taken through winding roads through quaint towns.  Sticking with the bicycle trail is imperative.  Plus I don’t need to rely on navigating while following the path, it’s like walking the Camino.

motoped

It’s called the Survival Motoped and it’s meant to withstand the zombie apocalypse.  I can order it and put it together myself, or buy it already put together.  A very big part of me wants to buy it right now and put it together so I’ll have it ready by the time of my trip.  But that goes way against my plan.

If I put it together myself, learn how to put the engine together, the frame, the spokes, it reminds me of the book Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance.  I can repair it myself if it starts acting up and I learn appreciation and self-efficiency.

One night, not too long ago, while watching Netflix and eating some delicious take-out, I picked out the attire that will accompany me on my trip.

A pair of protective motorcycle blue jeans, a leather motorcycle jacket with zippered vents for the summer, protective motorcycle boots and a half helmet.  They say to wear a full helmet with this bike along with full motorcycle protective gear, but wearing full armor on a moped looks ridiculous.  Plus I’m scared a full helmet will obscure my peripherals.

jacket

boots

And for the undershirt, I’m going with Ably.  Supposedly I can wear it everyday without having to wash it.  I pre-ordered one and it’s supposed to come sometime this month.

shirt

The Survival Motoped costs more than a Honda Grom, the original bike I wanted to go with.  But you can literally drive it anywhere and it has the same amount of CC’s as the grom, goes just as fast.  Has more storage space.  And I love the idea that I can peddle it if anything were to happen to the motor.

And it’s a zombie apocalypse inspired bike!

I’m worried about two obstacles in my way of the trip.

ONE:  Not paying off my debt in time and TWO, not being able to afford a receptionist.

I NEED a receptionist.  Without a receptionist, I’ll carry with me an impeding halo of doom.

Without a receptionist, I’ll have to wait yet another year to take my trip.  Let the seasons circle around again.  We only have 80 or so cycles of these seasons and I’m already going on number 37!

*********************************

Today is Monday, my day off.  I don’t feel like doing shit.  In fact, I want to go back to sleep.  I started writing this post as soon as I woke up from my dream so not to forget it a few hours later.

And the thing with relationships being a prison, I’m not that bad when it comes to them.  Knowing that someone is out there waiting for me is comforting, but I know exactly what I want in life.  I know exactly who I am because I know what I want in life.  And I know for certain I’m prone to distraction and letting years slip by while toiling in the slog of life’s interruptions.

Not knowing or finding a paid profession that I’m in love with, makes it hard for people like me.  People who get bored after a while, who hate being told what to do.  I’m curious about everything, but not enough to spend thousands of dollars and years of my life going to school learning about something that I might get bored with and feel trapped in like a hen in Animal Farm.  The drama, the hierarchy, the scandals.

If I go back to school, it won’t be for the purpose of finding a job when I’m done.  It’ll be to continue where the professor left off.  For further research and discovery and not because I’m being paid for it.

****************************

Did you know there’s a rare disease (only 100 known cases) where your brain is unable to sleep?  It’s not regular insomnia, it’s an actual brain malfunction where it loses the ability entirely.  It’s called Fatal Famillial insomnia.  It’s mostly genetic, but the protein can also be passed on via body fluids or eating something tainted with it.  Like Mad Cow meat.  You can get it at any age even if you were born with it, you won’t know you have it until decades later.

Once it starts, you have 18 months to live.  You live with anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations and then finally dementia.  Basically it takes approximately 18 months of no sleep to kill you.

*****************************

It may be my day off, but it’s also my parents anniversary (45 years) so we’re going out to eat.  I bought them an Acer laptop for their gift.  They both love it.  My Dad cruises Amazon looking at crossbows and my Mom plays her free online slot games and forwards chain emails to all her cousins.  Last night I introduced her to YouTube, my personal favorite.

It’s almost payday so I have to go to work and pick up everyone’s pay sheets to send in.

 

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Day One

I’m too fat for my fat jeans.  Now I wear sweatpants.

In my 36 years, I never watched my weight.  I eat whatever and whenever but for the next 10 days, I’m on a strict diet.  It’s almost a liquid fast diet, but not quite.

I’m drinking shakeology three times a day and then a plain salad for dinner with grilled chicken on top.  I also bought this stuff on Amazon and just finished chugging it down with some orange juice (it’s not bad).  I need sugar in my 10-day diet, so one glass of OJ a day should do the trick.

This is day one, 6:00 PM, and I gotta shit….again.  Feeling like I gotta shit is relentless.

Oh and I’m allowing myself to eat as much celery as I want to help with the hunger but the only thing with that is, what I didn’t realize is, after eating 5 celery stalks it feels like my tastebuds are getting sizzled off.  Like when you eat an entire bag of salt and vinegar potato chips.  I think it’s the bitterness.

I’m peeing in places where pee shouldn’t come out.

It’s so strange not eating.  When I’m hungry, I eat.   I never wait for lunch *time* or dinner *time*.  I eat whenever the hell I feel like it.  I have to keep reminding myself no.  When I forget I’m fasting and start feeling hungry, I catch myself ravishingly running upstairs to the kitchen before remembering not to.

I wonder when I should eat my salad?  I also have one more shake to drink before the end of the day.

*******************

In other news, I hired another therapist.  I had to.  Since my therapist cut her hours, I’ve picked up the slack and remembered once again how much I hate massaging people.

I always think – “Yeah I can do it!  I can massage 6 clients a day 7 days a week if I have to!”  But then it actually happens and I remember no, no I can’t.  Screw this shit.

I actually went for a massage today and the therapist said, “we can do exchanges if you like.”  And I said, “I’d rather much pay you.”  Not that I don’t want to massage her, because I do, but I’m really just that lazy.  And besides, who wouldn’t prefer the cash instead?  Right?

My brain feels funky.  I think I’m dehydrated.  God I’m hungry.  Water is boring.

10-days from now I’ll be sitting in front of my TV tray in my bedroom catching up on all my Hulu shows (Naruto specifically) with a huge sushi banquet in front of me.  Money is flowing fast at work, so I can splurge.  I’ll start with 5 appetizers, then soup, salad, and my beloved chirachi sushi.

As for work…..

Money is coming in hunks.  Big massive chunks of green stacks.  Well, no, I shouldn’t say that.  But I feel we are moving along much easier than before.

Google just added my business to their maps.  So now we are listed on Google maps.  Since then, we’ve been getting a few randoms here and there.  Full priced clients.  People who sign up for the membership.  If the phones keep ringing like they do, I hope I can hold off on buying a receptionist until I can pay off my debt.  This is so hard to do alone.  It’s hard to keep up.

The only two things that hover over me are the threat of morbid obesity and my debt.  That’s it.  The rest is just keeping up with scheduling clients and making sure everyone is happy and supplies are stocked.  I probably spend $500 a month in petty cash just to make sure we don’t run out of shit.

Wow, I’m so hungry that I’m too tired to even want to eat.  Does that make sense?  I think I like fasting.  It’s one less thing I have to worry about; feeding myself.

I’m allowing myself to drink 2 beers tonight at my friends house.  No, no I shouldn’t.  But it stops up my hunger!  I can be on an all liquid diet and beer is certainly liquid.

My list:

  • paper towels
  • coffee creamer
  • sugar
  • tea
  • coffee
  • hand sanitizer
  • soap
  • laundry detergent
  • dryer sheets
  • ink
  • paper
  • bleach
  • lamina masks
  • paraffin wax
  • foot scrub
  • foot cream
  • lotion
  • oil
  • facial supplies

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Killing It

My business is killing it lately.  I’m making more money than ever before (making, not keeping).  I’m averaging over $1000 a week, plus $7000 a month from members which brings me to roughly $12000 a month in sales.

And since we’re no longer selling groupons, our schedule isn’t clogged with non-paying clients.  Each client is a golden ticket client.

The only problem with this is that my employee’s aren’t getting booked as often as before.  Some days, many days actually, a few of them don’t have any at all.

Yesterday for example, we had 7 clients booked between 6 people working.  I took two of those 7 because they were requests, one employee didn’t have any.  I made $300 bucks and I’ll get to keep most of it since my employee’s hardly worked that day.

Today I made $400.

The business is totally successful, more successful than it’s ever been but…..I’m swamped in debt and can’t keep up.  I’m swamped in debt because of the mistakes I made over the summer and instead of fixing my mistakes, I taken out loans.  Then I taken out more loans.

And when I was selling groupons, I hired an extra person to help redeem them all which only sunk me further into groupon debt but now that I’m free of it, I have way too many people working for me and none of them want to quit.  For two years nobody wanted to quit.  But I’m getting to a point where they might.

So, I’m going to make a radical decision that would probably make you want to slap me upside da head.

Sell more groupons.

This will solve ALL my problems!!

Wait!  Wait, just listen.

Why don’t I just let my employee’s quit?  Because clients like who they like and if their favorite therapist leaves, they’ll take their business with them.  I don’t want my employee’s going anywhere.

I’m not going to sell regular massages on groupon for $39 bucks a pop, no.  I’ll be selling couple’s massages only.  Couples massages are less likely to be weirdo’s and more likely to sign up for the membership.  And I’ll sell upgraded couples massages that include hand, foot, and face treatments.  An extra $12 for each treatment which will add $72 to the over-all price.

Let’s do the math to see if it’s worth it…

$150 for a regular couples massage, plus $72 is $222.  Groupon will sell them for $111 and I’ll not settle for anything less than $60 for each one they sell.  I’ll make a profit of $20, add more potential members to our client database and not only that, but I’ll only sell 300 of them in one month and end it there.  No groupon debt.  No clients buying more than one deal for themselves.  The perfect plan.

Think about it.  300 groupons times $60 is $18,000.  It’ll completely wipe out most of my debt!  My employee’s will be booked again.  And I’ll get more members!

I have to do this.  No no, I MUST do this.

I’ll sit and answer phones and book myself as much as I can with these couples massages because there will be enough to go around for everyone for at least the first month, then it tapers off.

It’s my cure for everything.  Groupon has always been my cure for everything.  But at the same time, I hate Groupon.  Groupon leaves me in ruins.  That’s because I was doing it wrong all this time.

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