Category Archives: Strange & Unusual

Psychedelics and Awakening

I went to a party last weekend on my friends farm.  She had a groovy band play, hula hoops, and any drug I wanted.

A girl I knew was handing out her homemade pot taffy.

Her – “Smell this shit man, go on smell it!  Incredible right?”

She shoved her taffy under my nose, her eyes half baked.  She was sitting on the ground cross-legged in front of me.  Five minutes later, she was incapacitated.

Me – “I think I’ll save it for later.”

Her – “Don’t eat it all at once!  Don’t do it!”

I grabbed it and stashed it for later.

Later came last night.

I ate the whole thing, naturally.  It was just a little strip of the stuff, so how was I supposed to know?  The girl who made it could’ve been incapacitated from the bottle of whiskey that never left her hand, not a silly little strip of taffy?

It was the taffy.  Definitely the taffy.

I ate it around 10PM last night and I was tripping balls up until 6AM this morning.  I ate it to help me sleep!

I looked at the clock and thought to myself – “It’s been almost two hours, I guess this stuff’s not going to work.”

I shrugged my shoulders and got ready to call it a night, but then it hit me.  Seconds after saying it wasn’t working, it started.

I didn’t want to turn the tv off, it was the only thing holding my brain together.

My muscle’s twitched, I was feeling coldness in my chest.  I covered my head with my pillow, I don’t know why but I thought it would help shut up my thoughts.

Me – “I’m going to die tonight.  I can’t believe that I’m going to die from a little strip of taffy!”

I could barely move.  I definitely couldn’t walk.  I reached for my phone to search how to come down from a pot high – this action took everything I had in me to execute.

And my searched results came up:

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The article in the middle is what helped me.  I wasn’t going to die.  It sure felt like I was dying, but I wasn’t.  I kept this thought in my head.

Everything became mucky, I couldn’t think.  I felt like I was in a heavy skin sack.  Every thought, sensation, light, sound, was amplified inside my concrete skin sack.

I tried watching the show again, Humans, on Amazon prime.  It’s pretty good.  It helped me focus.

My jaw was tightening, my chin moving around every which way.  All my thoughts globbed into one sinister, evil, pulsating creature.

Me thinking – “How can I be so afraid?  After everything thats happened to me, how can I still be afraid?”

I knew it was fear causing my distress, but I didn’t know how to stop it.  My rational brain was no match for it.

Then my show stopped playing.  I was short bandwidth.

Me thinking – “Oh god my brain will explode without that show!”

But I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t do anything about it.  My legs wouldn’t work.

I started staring at a poster on my wall.  I bought a poster from an artist a few years ago at the Vibes.

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I started seeing images in that poster that aren’t there.  Perfect images of faces, changing expressions depending on what I wanted to see.  Whatever image I wanted to see, I simply had to look for it and it manifested itself perfectly.  Dogs, cats, a benevolent loving face.  And when I wanted to see a demon, there he was horns and all, but he wasn’t frightening.

That’s when it hit me; I have full control.  I can see demons or angels, it’s my choice.  I realized that fear is what stops us from seeing clearly.  Fear stops us from thinking clearly and taking control.

An image popped in my head of a tall glass cup.  Inside this glass cup were demons, boiling water, scary thoughts and images.  Everything agitating.  The only way anyone can escape it is  to not be afraid of it.  I didn’t need to be afraid of it because I was in control.  The people who aren’t in control, float to the bottom.

Once I was out of the glass cup, I was back in my ayahuasca enlightenment trance.  It was very similar to when I did ayahuasca, only not as “clean”.  I was once again connected to infinite knowledge, but I was being dragged through the dirt.  There was no purging like with ayahuasca, so that has something to do with it.  All the junk was still in me.  And I wasn’t blessed by anyone, my room wasn’t blessed, the woman who made the taffy didn’t bless it first.

The sole purpose to bless something is to rid it of fear.  The smoke is symbolic.  It doesn’t matter if you’re burning sage, a candle, different types of incense, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is the person who does the blessing.  This is from an insight I had from the taffy.

I was having a spiritual experience unprotected.  My thoughts and demons kept clawing at me, distracting me, pulling my focus away.  But I kept remembering about my painting.  How I can choose.

I learned even MORE from this experience than I did with ayahuasca.  Maybe not more, but I dove even deeper into the mysteries of life.  And how we are all connected.

Everything from my ayahuasca experience was relived.  It was reintroduced to me.  Only this time around, more was revealed.  This time, I was able to experience “oneness”.

If there is a god, he’s not looking at us.  Because if he were to look at us, even for a quick glance, we’d have no free will.  He’s that powerful.  Whatever he’s expecting to see while looking at us, he will see.  Simply because he’s god.  Like an egg incubating.  He’s not to touch or look at us until we reach maturity, otherwise there would be mass hysteria.

“Whose ever belief is strongest.  Whose ever belief is strongest.”

That kept repeating in my head.  Like an ending to a prayer, or a mantra.  It means that anything is possible as long as you believe it’s possible.  But since we are all connected, whoever has the stronger belief wins the pot (no pun).  It’s very important to stand up for yourself when faced with darkness and fear, other peoples or your own.

You are challenged by your own fears.  They manifest as opponents or obstacles.  People who don’t see your potential, who don’t believe in you.  Spontaneous bad luck events.  They are manifestations of your own fears and these people (or events) are blessings in disguise.  They are key players in your life.

It’s like you’re sitting at the bottom of the demon glass cup.  These people who don’t believe in you, or obstacles causing you pain, are the keys to getting yourself out of the cup.  It’s just that nobody wants to leave it because it’s easier to sit there and stew rather than it is to face your fears.  And these people and events are only happening because of your fear.  Your inability to accept them.

“Whose ever belief is strongest.”

Me – “How do I believe in myself?”

Taffy – “You must know yourself.”

Nothing is real.  The only truth is that there is no truth.  What I see and believe, is not the same as what someone else see’s and believes.  And all of it’s true.  Everyone is correct and because nobody is wrong, there is no truth.

About the “oneness”…….

Oneness means that there is no God, it’s just you and me orchestrating everything.  Because if there were a god, there wouldn’t be oneness.  Having a god implies that he’s separate from us, so how can everything be “one”?

So again, just like ayahuasca, the taffy told me that there is a god, but no god.

My ayahuasca trip taught me that we are here to evolve, the taffy taught me we’re evolving towards unity.  Why?  I don’t know.

We are all god, all the same person.  Just with different life experiences, different brain chemistries and heredity.  But if I was born a different person, let’s say I was born Gandhi, I wouldn’t be me, I would actually be Gandhi.  We are all the same soul is what I’m trying to say.  There is no “Me”, just my unique DNA coding and life experiences.

I’ll finish this post tomorrow….I’m exhausted.

It’s now the next day.

I’m not saying that we don’t all have individual souls, because we do.  I actually seen mine when I had my OBE in my bedroom.  It’s just that the stuff my soul is made from, is the same stuff your soul is made from.  It’s the same stuff, the same soul.

And once you get out of the demon glass, answers start pouring in.

When I was tripping balls, I learned how alone all of us really are.  Since we all play off each other, fears are reflected, projected, manifested, the most fearful of us can infect the most loving of us and there’s no higher power to break-up the party.  No god or over-seer of authority to smooth everything out and keep us in check.  To keep us behaved and disciplined.

Our moral compass is there for survival purposes, and not a loving gift from god, but years of evolution to create.

We are utterly alone.  One massive soul body, fractured to pieces at war with itself.  If I was born an ISIS, I would be an ISIS.  There’s nothing special about my soul that differs from a member of ISIS.

Me – “It’s so simple, how can no one else see it?!”  (said to myself while tripping balls).

Anyway, when I realized how alone we all are, I started to plummet into the void.  Into the darkness of no purpose and no hope.  I had to remember my poster on the wall, we have a choice, fear is the illusion.

But it was perfectly clear to me at the time I was tripping, that one persons belief can affect others even if no words are uttered.  That’s how connected we are.  We can feel what’s happening to friends and family from across the world if we really tune in.

But then again, the only truth is that there is no truth.  The only truth is what you believe.  At least, that’s the rule of thumb in this limited dimension we’re in.

We create what we see and there’s nothing but potential, no truth.

Oh well, my game literally just finished downloading.  I bought the expansion, Hearts of Stone, for the Witcher 3.

Will I ever eat the taffy again?  Yeah, probably.

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More of my dreams….

I’ve been falling  asleep listening to audiobooks for a while now.  Before my audiobook craze began, I had intense bizarre dreams beyond human imagination.  Most of my weirdest experiences happened while in dreamland.  But then I started listening to audiobooks and it all went caput.

Last night I decided to fall asleep au naturel.  I wanted to have a dream.  No audiobook, no distractions.

I was so tired, I don’t know why I was tired but I couldn’t fight off sleep.  The images started appearing the instant I closed my eyes and they would not stop for 2-HOURS STRAIGHT!

It was a concentrated onslaught of symbols, textures, people, scenario’s.  They kept coming no matter how lucid and calm I made myself.  One thing after another, I didn’t have time to focus on or understand any of it.  I couldn’t control it.

Things started getting dark and scary.  It turns out that my worst fear happens to be a mad man covered in blood running around with a chainsaw.

Worst fear ever.  And it’s not the first time he popped into my dream.  But it’s the first time there were several of them, not just one man with a chainsaw, but an angry mob of them.

And the chainsaw man never chases me, he chases other people.  My worst fear is not being able to help those other people.  My worst fear is running from him to save my own life.

The first time I dreamt of him, he was chasing a woman down the street in a quiet neighborhood.  I barged into someones home and grabbed their phone to call the police.  I yelled in panic telling them that a woman was about to be murdered.

My worst fear is nobody doing anything about it.  Not even me.  Because we’re all too scared.

Last night when I dreamt of the chainsaw man, I was lucid.  I knew it wasn’t real.  But I wanted to wake myself up to “reset” my dreamscape.  But I was super tired, my attempts were futile.  Slightly opening my eyes only for them to close again and I fell right back into the nightmare.  One of the images in my nightmare was a fish tank full of tiny men in black suits, all of them hanging morbidly from their own noose.  Instead of seeing fish, it was a tank full of miniature business men who committed suicide floating in water.

I decided it was best not to fight or control the nightmare, so I let the journey take me.  This decision changed the dreamscape to be less scary and it became one of my more regular lucid dreams of me seeking sex.  And I found the most handsome man – incredibly sexy.  No shirt, muscular, hair in all the right places and yeah, I totally orgasmed with him.

I have no idea how that’s even possible in a dream.  Nothing is actually touching me, but I’m hypersensitive down there when a dream man touches it.  I also don’t understand how in real life I hate sucking cock, but in my dreamworld I love it.

At one point in my dream, I was being pulled upward.  Up up and up I went and out of the tall building I was in, and found myself floating towards a ginormous dimly lit moon.  It was beautiful.  Most likely this happened after the hot sex.

I have lucid dreams all the time of me floating uncontrollably upward.  It’s never frightening.  The frightening part happens when I descend.  It’s not falling, but an accelerated gravitational pull down.

After getting a glimpse at the moon, I started to fall.  I was lucid, but this feeling always makes me want to wake myself up.  I decided to let it take me however, it’s not worth the waking up for.  I was just too tired.  Tired and curious to see where it led.  My curiosity out-weighed my fear.  At that point, I’ve seen so much morbid shit in my dream that I didn’t think it possible for me to see any worse.

How can I explain this…..it’s impossible to explain it.  Being pulled down, you go through levels of fear.  At first it’s no big deal, but as you go deeper, panic sets in.  The further down you go, the more panic and the more courage it takes to pass through it.

Last night I reached a new level of courage.

When I stopped accelerating down, an old man appeared in a grey purgatory-type of place and told me I reached a new level.  Then the dream went back to being ballistic, not making sense, and shoving one symbol after another at me until I said, “fuck this shit” and finally woke myself up for real.

I looked at the clock and it was 4:30 in the morning.  I went to sleep at 2:30 after trying to keep awake for one more episode of Game of Thrones.

2 steady hours of ballistic lucid dreaming with a short spurt of hot sex and a short moment in purgatory.  I was more tired than when I started.

I went to the bathroom, came back to bed and turned on my audiobook.  I slept like a baby until 11:00.

I went to bed last night wanting to dream, but there was such a build-up of them.  My dreams are never like that.  Like a chimp with ADD on acid.

But the part where I was accelerating downward, I intuited that it’s more important to go down than it is to go up.  Going down is where you find courage.  I always thought it was an evil place, an omen of bad luck and that I should fight it, to control my direction and eliminate my fear of it but I was wrong.  I was so wrong about it.  It’s not evil at all.  The journey down is definitely more important than the one going up.

 

Of course you have no idea what I’m even talking about.

I ask around sometime, seeing if other people have messed up dreams as much as I do and no, nobody does.  In fact, more than half of them never even had a lucid dream before.

I don’t get it.  I simply don’t get it.  The stress it put on my brain last night was intense.  Like a big knot looking in a thousand directions.  I wasn’t scared during any of it, I’m not emotionally imbalanced or depressed or anything like that.  It was like I was a voyeur getting a glimpse into someone else’s madness.  But how can it come from me?

Everything has been really peaceful for me lately.  Other than dealing with all the groupons (only 84 left to sell), I’m pretty happy these days.  So I’m at a loss.  My head still feels funky from it.  Like a physical kind of funky, not emotional.  Headachy and foggy.

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Something’s going to happen to me in 3 months and four days

I just had a trippy dream.  I wasn’t lucid for most of it, I was so far gone away from my conscious self that I had no control over the person I was in this dream.  I didn’t even look like me.  But I remember it was a very long dream with strong emotions involved about love, loss, and true godly belief in oneself.

A king was in my dream.  I hated this king for teaching me hard lessons but I didn’t know he was teaching me at the time of his treachery.  Everything he did, he did so I would learn.

I don’t remember hardly any of the dream, only the very end when I was becoming lucid.  Some people came and were taking me away from the king and I turned to him one last time and said, “do you exist in real life?  Where do you live?”

King – “Does that even matter?  The only important thing is for you to remain focused and in control.”

I was pushed out of the kings quarters and arrived in front of what looked like an angel.  Just like Mother Mary with wings.  There was a ladder next to her and she was holding up a curtain as though waiting to reveal a thing behind it.  She was counting (non-verbal) and I understood that she was counting months.

I intuited that she counted 3 months and four days, then she lifted the curtain and there was a baby laying in a cradle.

That’s when I woke up and grabbed the notebook that I keep by my bedside for emergencies like this.

Me thinking – “Was it 3 months and four days or four months and 3 days?”

I’m pretty sure it was 3 months and four days.

Today is March 14th at 5:30 in the morning.  I didn’t want to wait to write about this when I normally wake up.  The dream is already pushing itself out of memory.

So, 3 months and four days from now will be June 18th.  4 months and 3 days will be July 17th.  But it also could have meant that 3 months from now, on the fourth day of the month the reveal will happen.  June fourth, or July third.  June fourth and July third are very strong possibilities.  My guess would be June fourth.

But I mean shit, right?

The last few days were almost blissful to me.  Everything on my to-do list, everything I needed to get done with the business move has gotten done and since I moved, I no longer stress about sheets or any of the other stresses I had at the old business such as the heat not kicking on.  The business is running smoothly even while I’m not there and this last week alone we made over $1000 in sales.

I feel like I can finally rest.  I went out Saturday night, which I never do (because of work) and gotten so unbearably drunk – too drunk.  I don’t remember half the night.  I never get like that, but I discovered my new favorite beer, Sam Adams Cold Snap, and drank several of them with some shots.  Cold Snap has 5.3% ABV and Bud Light, my regular go-to, has 4.2%.  It doesn’t sound like much of a difference but it hit me hard.

I learned not to do that anymore.  I forgotten what it’s like.

But besides that, my brain is starting to revert back to its thinking mode.  The dreamer mode.  The mode that wants to blog and travel and read and paint pictures.

As soon as my business became settled, as soon as I settled into my newly deserved free-time, I floated there.  Down the corridor of possibilities.  Perhaps that’s why my crazy dreams are back?

It’s for this reason why I don’t want to work.  When my brain is hooked on survival – just work and keeping afloat – who I am disappears and I don’t wake up at 5:30 in the morning to write about a dream I just had – the dream wouldn’t have existed in the first place.

How can I describe it?  It’s like settling myself into a nook.  Where time is synonymous with freedom and I’m safe in my nook.  All I have to do is search.  To find myself in one place and look around, then walk over to somewhere new and have a look there.  Looking at the same stuff, but with different perspectives.  From different angles.

This new-found freedom won’t last very long however.  I’ll be selling those Groupon deals again soon.  But the swoon of clients will eventually trickle off again and when they do, half my debt will be gone with them.

As Abu Nahasapeemapetilon always says, “thank you come again.”

Not out of hot water yet, but I have myself a nice size bucket to bail it out in the meantime.

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The Ormus Among Us

I was cruising Amazon today looking for snake oils and discovered what is called Ormus, aka monoatomic gold, or white gold.  They claim that it induces a kundalini awakened state (whatever that means) while meditating.

It also purports to trigger vivid lucid dreams, out of body experiences, cures disease and emotional disorders.  And if you ingest enough of it, makes your skin all sparkly like the pretty vampires in Twilight.

The crazy thing is, people buy into this!  Gobs of people!  Go on YouTube and you’ll see testimonials, go on Amazon and read the five-star reviews.  There’s even a group of people that believe it is the devils powder, or the illuminate, meant to brainwash and turn us into hermaphrodite zombie slaves.

Here are some posts written by, imo, nutters:

http://www.sherryshriner.com/sherry/white-gold.htm

http://educate-yourself.org/cn/monoatomicgoldthinktwice15aug05.shtml

Ormus can also make you hear auditory hallucinations as stated in this article.

“Hindu mystics call these sounds the “nada” and Chinese mystics call them the “hu” sound.”

I actually experienced this!  It’s a sign of bi-polor disorder and schizophrenia!  I haven’t experienced it in a while though.  I haven’t had any crazy dreams either, or an invisible stranger laying next to me.

Everything it purports to do, I’ve already experienced them all.  Even the sparkly skin part.  When I had my OBE and looked at my sparkly translucent arm (and then stuck it in my head to see what would happen).

All my weird experiences  make me feel like a spiritual snob, looking down and shaking my head at anyone wanting in on the action but turning to wacked-out methods and spending honny dolla billz yo.

The best method for obtaining auditory hallucinations, OBE’s, Lucid dreams and all that nonsense is to suffer from massive sleep deprivation and consume copious amounts of alcohol knowing full-well that work tomorrow will invariably suck.

Get no sleep for about a week (due to intense partying followed by work) and then take a nap.  I guarantee that nap will knock your socks off.  You’ll experience all sorts of weird shit.

Aside from my personal method, their method is scientifically implausible.  The first obstacle being that you can’t make the stuff.  You literally can’t make it no matter how hard you try.  The man who invented it formed a patent describing how it’s made, but it’s mostly gibberish and his method was never proven.

But there’s a bunch of YouTube vid’s on how to make it!  And plenty of suppliers on Amazon!

Okay, let’s be rational here.  Why are they even trying to make this stuff in the first place?  To experience some sort of heightened awareness, a super power, and some go as far to say it gives them the ability to teleport (has never been proven tho).

If that’s the case, why not do something that actually works?  Like ayahuasca, smoke some DMT, magic mushrooms, peyote, iboga, yopo.  Hell, even straight up pot has its eye-opening moments.

Why go through all the trouble of trying to make gold using everyday household ingredients and a recipe found on YouTube?  To experience something that I’ve already had my hand in and to be quite honest, it’s not worth the hype.

Well, the OBE with seeing my translucent arm was pretty cool, plus my 2-seconds of emptiness and that other time I experienced 2-seconds of witnessing myself think.  But nothing comes out of having these experiences except personal proof which doesn’t mean a damn thing to anyone aside from myself, and even that doesn’t mean much.

They’re chasing their own tail.  Trying to go after something they already have.

But the whole thing amazes me.  The placebo effect amazes me, denial is amazing, and nobody ever wants to admit when they’re wrong (especially when a ton of money is involved) and they look like complete idiots buying snake oil.

You can tell when you’re in denial when an opinion that opposes your own affects you in such a violent manner that you resort to name calling.

 

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This is some-what repetitive of past epiphany’s, but towards the end it gets better

I had a very weird epiphany when I woke up today, well, before I woke up actually.  I was told by my dream world that whatever is alive, isn’t mine.  It doesn’t belong to me.

My body for instance, is alive and therefore is not mine – it isn’t me.  It’s part of the world, made from the world, consists of the same elemental ratio’s as the moon and the stars.

I understood this on a cellular level.  I understood exactly why and how my body isn’t me/mine.

My eyelids are no more mine than the grass growing on somebody else’s lawn.

This thought was as clear to me as one of my ayahuasca insights – a plain truth that can’t be told in words, only felt.

We are like puppet masters.  We have perfect control over anything and everything alive, but we go about it the wrong way.  We go about it in the way of “ownership” when in fact, we own nothing.  We think what we own we can control, but since we own nothing, we can’t control anything – but we can!

It’s hard to explain, obviously.  I mean, how do you explain the unexplainable?

The more effort you put into your garden, the more fruitful it becomes.  If you don’t tend to it, you’ll get nothing.  It’s a respect thing.

When you stop believing you lord over your manor, body and possessions, you start respecting them more.  You understand that you actually have to care for them, and not the other way around.

Respect is very powerful but we got it all wrong.  We don’t understand the true meaning of respect.

What giveth can taketh away.

Belief is also powerful.

People who worry all the time, like hypochondriac’s and over-protective parents, they may worry over things, but they don’t actually “believe” anything bad will happen.  Nobody does.

If you believe the worst will happen, that’s fear and whatever you fear happening will come true.

People who worry take preventative measures in tending to their garden so the “fear” never reaches them.  They believe as long as they stay diligent in their worrying, they’ll never have to face the belief that something bad will come.

I don’t condone worrying, I’m not saying that.  Only, that worriers often tend to things and take great care.  It’s not the best way to go about living and certainly not the only way.

If you can help something, why worry about it?  If it can’t be helped, why worry?  I think I read that on a Buddha meme.

If you want to “own” a plot of land, what you’re actually committing yourself to doing is taking care of it.  Not owning it, but tending to it.  Like children, like your body, and even your friends, you tend to these things.  Not out of ownership or control, but for a greater good that no one is capable of understanding yet.  I can’t even grasp it even though ayahuasca told me repeatedly why:  To evolve.  And that we can only evolve together.

It’s not about expecting reciprocation for your efforts of involvement – it should never be about expectation or assumption.  Tending a garden is a bad example.

We are walking, talking, bodies of influence.  That’s all that we are.

******************

It’s now a few days later, maybe a week.  I’m not sure why I didn’t publish this post.  It was basically done.

But anyway, I don’t feel good.  I’m exhausted.  Owning a business is a cruel joke.

My up’s and down’s are all over the place.  Just last week I felt the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life – no joke or embellishing – I was on top of the world.  This week however, I’m back at feeling lousy.

I’m going to tell you something that I discovered last week and omg, it works!  It sounds so simple that you’d mistake it for something stupid.

Praying!

I discovered the power of prayer (I’ll tell you why I prayed in a little bit).  The way I did it was, I lit a candle and stared into the flame asking it to grant me strength.  I also asked my ancestors for help.  You know, like tribespeople do.

I learned in my shaman ceremony experiences that fire eats away demons.  You should always look into the fire and it sucks the demons out of you through your eyeballs.

That’s why I prayed with a candle.  I put two and two together.  Catholicism and shamanism.

So anyway, I prayed and went to sleep and wouldn’t you know it, the next day I felt amazing.  More amazing than can be put into words.  My business made over $1700 that week and I was finding joy again aside from washing sheets.

But if you don’t continually tend to something, it wears off.   Once you start expecting it to last, once you stop respecting it and thinking that your success is your own doing and not something celestial, or that it’s a “right” and not a privilege, you start to sink again.

Nothing is in my control but at the same time, it is!  It has something to do with being humble.  Being humble and believing in something bigger than you.  Something bigger, but it’s also in you at the same time.  Like a coalescence.

Oh God its so hard to explain.  But if I ignore or don’t acknowledge this bigger power and rely solely on myself and what I think I can control, I fail.  When I stop respecting God in a way.  By showing no acknowledgment for a higher power shows that I don’t respect him.

Could this possibly be the secret into “The Secret”?  Into the Law of Attraction?  By simply acknowledging and respecting a higher power?  By not proclaiming ownership or control over everything we enjoy or care about?

Ayahuasca tried drilling this into my skull that I must let everything go and to trust.  Over and over again she kept repeating, “let it go. Trust.  Let it go.  Trust.”

But then she said everything is in my control.  Everything that happens to me is all my own doing.

Me – “But how do I change anything?”

Aya – “You must let go of it first.”

Being humble and showing gratitude….I understood gratitude and appreciation for the first time last week.

A major reason why I prayed was because of that horrible thing that happened in work a few weeks back that involved the cops.  It led to an awful review on Yelp.  It was one of the lowest points in my life – so low in fact, that it made me say “fuck it.  Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.”  That helped ease the burden a bit.

But then I prayed.  I prayed and Yelp taken down that awful review the very next day.

The reason why I felt appreciation had nothing to do with Yelp taking down the review.  It’s hard to explain but I’ll try….

Before this whole ordeal with the cops started, I was worried about the business.  Worried over financial matters and little else, but still, it was a heavy burden.

But then the cops showed up at my doorstep and I wasn’t just worried anymore, I was terrified.  This terror lasted for weeks until that man left his nasty review on Yelp and my terror escalated into insurmountable water boarding torture.

But now that it’s finally over, I realized that I wasn’t appreciative before the cop incident happened.  Before the incident, I felt the height of my anxiety was at its max over my financial situation and I had very little to be appreciative for.

“It can always be worse.”

That phrase taught me what it means to be truly appreciative.  You’d have to experience it for yourself to understand what I mean.  Things can always be worse.

I learned so much from this incident – so freaking much.  I learned that things can always be worse, but more importantly, I learned to respect and acknowledge that nothing is in my control.  It’s like I have to hand everything over.  To put it down.  And by putting it down, only then can it be in my control – but it’s not at the same time because if I think I can control something, I never actually put it down in the first place.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I have no kids, I don’t work much, my mom makes me dinner and my dad takes care of the house – I have a tremendous amount of time to be alone and philosophize and even when I do work, my hands are occupied but my mind isn’t.  I have virtually no distractions that derail me from really sinking in and trying to comprehend all this stuff.

But after learning appreciation, I actually want to be in work.  I want to massage again if it’s only to get the business back on tract.  I’m starting to respect it, you know?  I’m respecting and appreciating everything that I already have.  I want to tend to my garden.

All this blows my mind.  How I can see everything fitting together too nicely, too completely.

Respect shows lack of control over a thing (or a person), Appreciation also shows lack of ownership (control).  Humility acknowledges a higher power.  They all fit together.

Plus if you tie in Strength with everything else – it takes a very strong person to hand over their control.  It takes a Brave person.

The opposite of all this?  A power seeker.  Someone who lets fear govern them.  A power seeker will never inherit peace of mind or happiness.  They’ll never hand over their power or relinquish their ego.

I have to remember all this.  I absolutely positively can NOT forget any of it.

I don’t understand yet how happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.  It’s all about the journey and not the end point.  I don’t relate to any of that yet but I’m extremely close to finding it.

After praying with the candle – literally right after – I felt it.  The happiness.  And I feel it every time I write or do a video blog.  And I don’t think it has anything to do with happiness, but rolling with everything, you know?  Sort of like being stronger than life’s punches.

Happiness is not obtainable, but withstanding the punches is.  It’s how we react to the punches, that’s how we spread our influence out into the masses.

Anyway, aside from all that, I had a crazy lucid dream last night.  As always, whenever I have a lucid dream, I grab the nearest person and start making out with them – it doesn’t matter who they are.  If it’s a man, that’s great, if it’s a female, I’ll settle.  My libido is astronomical.  And I’m so passionate!  The kissing alone sends me into ecstasy which confuses me since I thought I had to love the person for the ecstasy part to happen.

But then I stopped being lucid and turned into a big human-sized ant fighting for a Captain ant in his ant army.  It wasn’t a bad dream and the armor accessories were pretty cool.

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How Science Fiction Embodies Spirituality

I love science fiction.  Particularly anything having to do with superpowers.  I think that’s partly why I love spirituality.

I somehow linked spiritual wisdom with science fiction.  It’s hard not to since science fiction isn’t about religion, it’s about unexplained mystical powers – powers that remain hidden to non-believers, or those not strong enough to handle it.

Powers that need activation.

Science fiction embodies spirituality.  Anything is possible.  May the force be with you.

And I love Bruce Lee.

yoda

I’m listening to The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle with one of my weekly clients.  We get through one chapter per session.  Instead of listening to relaxing background music, we enlighten ourselves.  We are up to chapter 3.

It’s mostly stuff that I already figured out during my stink-hole office days of malcontent.  Eckhart mentions that we should be a witness to our thoughts and not a contributor to them.  We should view our thoughts from a distance, from our higher selves.  Once we do that, we’ll be aware and conscious.

Activation ON.

This actually happened to me for half a second while I was giving a massage 2 years ago.  I was meditating, quietly watching my thoughts like the instructor said and wham!  I was out of the box and witnessed my thought patterns plain as day.

It freaked me out and scared me some because for the first time I was able to see how blinded I am.  I can NOT see outside my thought process, patterns, and belief system.

This only lasted for a second.  And it’s one of those things that can’t be understood until you’ve experienced it for yourself.

And of course, Eckhart talks about the power of Now and how there are no problems, only situations that you need to address or not address.  Nothing is ever a problem.  Well, he worded it better than that anyhow.

But it got me thinking about my one second of self-realization (not to be confused with my two seconds of emptiness I’ve experienced around the same time).

The following few paragraphs is wisdom from Eckhart Tolle’s book, coupled with my own experience:

My thought patterns, the box I was trapped in, all had to do with time.  My past and future events were inside this tiny little box along with my belief system trying to decipher everything.  I was riddled with problems to mull over, all due to problems either in the past or in the future.  And my pattern of thought was clearly visible.  Almost palpable.

If you’re depressed, you’re most likely living in the past – avoiding or not wanting change.  If you’re anxious or worried, you’re living in the future – not knowing what’s to come of something.

People identify with time.  They identify themselves as anxious, depressed, worried, or hopeful.  If they’re hopeful, hope is also a derivative of time.  As long as you have hope, you will never be fully conscious.  To be fully conscious means to live in the Now.  Hope always involves the future.

I’m mostly happy-go-lucky.  AKA, a complete idiot.  Maybe that’s what it takes?  (This is not according to Eckhart Tolle, but I’m only on chapter 3, so who know’s)

He says that by practicing living in the Now, you will attract exactly what you wish for.  Your higher, more powerful self will be in charge instead of your monkey brain.  You’ll have full control.

To fully grasp this, I had to visualize it.  I visualized myself floating in space on a time line.  I imagined the timeline getting shorter and shorter on both ends until it was just me floating in mid-space, just me with no timeline.  No up or down, no calculable location.  It’s like experiencing emptiness – the good kind – the one where all that exists are possibilities.

It’s science fiction at its finest!  I mean, think about it!

If I can harness my ability at seeing myself (which I know is real because I did it for that one second), I can make shit happen.

But there’s a catch…..

When I was under the spell of ayahuasca, she also told me of the same catch that Eckhart mentioned in his book – that you have to let go of everything in order to gain everything.  You must have no desire, no wants, no needs.  You must trust.

(Trust takes courage, courage takes strength, strength equals choice.)

I asked Ayahuasca if meditation led to enlightenment and she said, “No it does not.  What you desire will never happen.  The more you desire something, the more you push it away.”

Monks meditate for enlightenment – they have a goal.  Goals are time-based and not a member of the Now family.  And sure enough, Eckhart also spoke of this.  Using the same example of monks!

Gives me the chills….

But anywho, I’m fascinated by this shit.  I’m fascinated because I’ve experienced these things.  I’ve experienced them before even knowing what it was I was experiencing!

If I was out seeking these things, I never would have found them.

I want to write a science fiction book based on my findings of spirituality and everything ayahuasca taught me.  Even if I’m the only one who reads it, it won’t matter.  I’ve written 15 years worth of journals that nobody read, so why not a book?

I’m serious this time.  I’m really going to do it.  I gave up writing my last book because it failed to send my heart thumping and I was in no rush to finish it.

I need to read more science fiction novels.  I need to discuss them with other people to get different idea’s and perspectives.  I have to study and learn the language of novel writing and so, your dear sweet idiot Melanie joined a science fiction book club.

Yes she did!

I mean, I have time now so why the hell not?  I also have time to write my book unlike last time when clients kept busting down my door wanting me to massage them.  I have employee’s now beeyoches.

I think my main character will be a sushi chef.  That’s perfect!  To put together a sushi dish is like ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement.  A disciplined art form in which nature and humanity are brought together in an authentic, honest, minimalistic fashion.

Or… I can be the main character.  Massaging people for a living, giving but never getting.  I already know a lot about massaging people, so I should stick with that.

I have to stop writing tonight.  I’ve done absolutely nothing today other than watch old X-Files shows on Netflix.  My business is doing well, everything is caught up and stocked up.  We’re the perfect amount of busy.

My biggest problem right now?  I know problems don’t exist according to Eckhart Tolle, but my biggest problem is sleeping late.  I sleep late and then I’m wide awake at 3AM.  And when I do wake up early, I take naps which only keeps me awake until 3AM again.

I woke up early today and didn’t take my nap.  I’m exhausted.

I’m thinking of joining a fitness club, like tennis or something.  Volleyball if they have it.  I need to do something other than drinking with my buddies, although I love that more than anything.

It’s so weird having time.  The last time I had time, I was unemployed so it wasn’t fun.  But this time is different.  It’s like I have to keep checking back to make sure my business is okay – basically worrying over nothing, it’s a hard habit to break.  My identity is linked with diligent work and chores.  I’m like a farmer.

But everything is okay.  I’ll even have that extra $3,000 in the bank to pay my employee’s with next month.

Rational Brain – “Everythings okay.”

Me – “Are you sure?”

Rational Brain – “Yes I’m sure.”

Me – “Let me just make sure again.”

Everything’s been done.  I even paid my over-due parking ticket.

Me – “No, that can’t be right.  Let me write my employee’s an email telling them how much I appreciate them.”

Rational Brain – “Please don’t.”

I just sent all my employee’s a long ramble about how much I appreciate them.  They love reading my emails.

Eckhart Tolle says that our ego is linked with time, and all the ego does is struggle to keep alive.  The ego thinks that if it dies, our bodies will die – Eckhart Tolle said this.  The same exact epiphany I had while smoking pot.  Since our ego’s identify with our problems, they become perpetual.  One problem ends while another begins.  We are the problem.

Eckhart worded it best by saying if a detective was trying to figure out a murder mystery while he himself was the murderer, it doesn’t make any sense to keep searching.

But that’s exactly what we do.  We incessantly search for answers to our problems because we need validation.  Validation that we matter, validation that we’re right and did nothing wrong.  We do this to fill the void where our trust should be.

And by desiring such answers, being perpetually bombarded with either the past or the future – we’ll never disconnect and let go enough to actually see the truth of what really happened.  We are caught in the matrix.

All problems are linked in time and time is linked with ego.

Side note:  Ayahuasca told me that fear has a gravitational pull.  

If time is a manifestation of ego, and ego is fear – than that explains the force of gravity and it’s effects on time.  I know it’s a long shot and nearly incomprehensible to understand but it’s a neat idea.  How our own fear created this physical world that we live in.  We are the creators even down to it’s barebones, it’s blueprints.  Manifested not out of love, but fear.

Eckhart:  “Ego is fear and that means that all action, everything we do, is a derivative of this fear.”

I just recently started listening to this audiobook and holy crap, right?  Same stuff I learned on my own.  Same insights.

I witnessed this particular insight when I was under ayahuasca and realized that if the only evil is fear, and the whole world is orchestrated by fear, than that means this world is hell.  An evil wasteland.

But at the same time, people are here by choice.  We WANT to grow, we want to move past fear.  And these foretold intentions walk us towards peace by confronting our fears head-on in a godless world void of answers with only illusionary faith and hope to guide us.

Once we awaken, we’ll know.  Faith will become obsolete.  And we’ll then identify with the world as being the loving, benevolent place that it truly is.

So yes, I’ll write my book.  It’ll be similar to The Celestine Prophecy and most likely written just as poorly.

Shit yo, I gots to sleep.

How is it that Eckhart Tolle can write stuff like this, but when I do it I sound crazy?

Rational Brain – “If gravity is a derivative of our ego’s, than how do you explain the time before humans?”

All time happens simultaneously.  Ha!

Rational Brain – “Whatever nerd, I’m going to bed.”

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Me and my Rational Brain Debate. Todays Topic: Why There’s Vulva Eating in the Animal Kingdom

I’m watching the first episode of PeeWee’s Playhouse on Netflix just like any baby from the 80’s would do.

I worked for two hours today and now I’m delightfully enjoying my newly acquainted freedom.

Oh shit, Morpheus from the Matrix is playing a goofy cowboy and some animated fish just called a fat lady a whale.  The 80’s were wack.  They were wiggidy wiggidy wiggidy wack.

Melalecki high mecca high knee ho, wack.

PEEWEEPLAYHOUSE

———————-

I lost something very special to me a few days ago.  It was an epic blog post.

The above predilection of PeeWee’s Playhouse was all that I could salvage, and it’s the least epic part of the post.

It was a legendary debate between myself and my rational brain.  A superb, unequaled piece of art.  A post like that is hard to come by, at least on here it is, Melanie’s life online.

I almost decided never to write again.  Like losing a love that can not be replaced.  I can love no more.

But if you gave an immortal chimp a typewriter and told him to aimlessly punch the keys for infinity, it’s statistically proven that he’ll eventually write Hamlet word for word by random chance.

There’s many a possibility found in the great mystery.  You only need to find the right typewriter and by random chance, the words will come and eventually you’ll rip the horn off the unicorn to place it on your mantle.  Something that adds definition to your shining light.

You know that old saying, “if you want to be a good cook, you have to learn how to taste”?

No, of course you haven’t.  You haven’t heard of it because I just thought of it now.  But it sounds like it’s an old saying, right?

Know your secret spices, your ingredients.  You can’t be afraid of tasting just because you tasted something bad.  In this case, a lost blog post.

Too scared I’ll lose another and too tired of rewriting more of the same.  My taste buds become uninspired and acquiesce to the bland, safer flavors.

But man, I really miss that post….

It’s 10am on a blistery cold snowy day in February.

Here in New England, Connecticut to be precise, the temperature will rise next month by 10 degree’s.  In April they will rise again by another 10 degree’s.  It will keep rising by 10 degree’s until September when it starts going down by 10.  And it keeps going down by 10 until March.  Mathematicians who like symmetry would love living here.

One more month….

Brianna, my travel buddy, told me that female pigs can’t be placed in a pen together because the alpha female will eat the vulva’s of the other pigs.  I mean, they’d literally eat them – take a big bite out of them.  It made me sick to my stomach thinking about it.  The idea of it got me hating pigs.  They’re disgusting, vile creatures.

USDA_ARS_Meishan_pig-Cropped

I told my parents about these nasty pigs over our exquisite Chinese buffet dinner and my dad told me that it’s not just pigs that do it, it’s a common occurrence in the animal kingdom.

My heart sank because according to my understanding that all pigs are vile, evil creatures, this means that ALL animals must be vile, evil creatures.  But this belief conflicts with my love of animals.  I can’t believe both at the same time.  Cripes, I even think the pigs pictured above are adorable.

“Maybe not all are vile….”  I thought to myself.

It’s just like it is with people.  Some are crazy, while others, not so much.

I have no interest in tearing a person down for personal gain, but I lived through and experienced what it’s like.  If you take down a threat, you’re awarded with power.  You feel distinguished by it.  And if you’re cunning enough, you can win over the hearts of others because of it.  This is why women gossip.  It’s another ploy at eating vulva’s.

I never thought of anybody as a threat.  That’s the thing.  There’s no need for me to eat vulva’s.  Just as it is with my natural inclination towards loving animals, I have a stubborn natural inclination to love myself.

Rational Brain – “How does loving yourself have anything to do with eating vulva’s?”

I don’t know, it just does.  I feel it’s correct, okay?

Rational Brain – “Don’t be lazy, think.  This is why I debate with you after-all.”

Okay okay, I’ll refer back to my ayahuasca teachings.  Give me a sec….

Rational Brain – “Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s about faith.  The one true most purest love you can have is synonymous with faith.

Rational Brain – “This sounds awfully familiar to me but please, go on.”

You rise above fear.  When there is no fear, there are no threats and when you don’t consider something a threat, compassion is born into the equation.  You lose your appetite for vulva’s.

Rational Brain – “Repeat it one more time only leaving out all your self-righteous bullshit.”

I know, I hate the way that bullshit sounds too.  I sound transfixed and crazy.  Okay, how’s this….

– By loving yourself, you eliminate your own demons, you eliminate eating your own vulva.

Rational Brain – “How though?  I need specifics.  Connect the freaking dots.  Not to mention how crazy that sounds!”

Give me a minute and I’ll tie it together.  This is a process, okay?  It ain’t easy.

Rational Brain – “What ev’s..”

We are naturally inclined towards survival, right?  Survival means adapting to something that ensure’s our own safety.  This is how we learn fear.  People who don’t venture out or follow their hearts, avoid people or things they consider a “threat”, they are in the end, eating their own vulva (or other people’s vulva’s as long as they’re cunning and manipulative enough).  They have fear and where there is fear, there is no faith in yourself.  You like things done a certain way in order to control this fear.  To do anything outside of your comfort level, brings about the obvious “discomfort”.  The more you like things done a certain way, the more fear you have.  You never leave your box and end up gaining power through judging others because you have none of your own.

Rational Brain – “That’s all well and good but how does loving yourself change all that?”

Because love is faith!

Rational Brain – “But how is it faith?!  We’re back at the beginning!”

Arg…When you love yourself in the purest form that ayahuasca described (we’re not spiritually evolved enough to understand this love, keep that in mind), you rise.  You rise light as a feather.  It’s like falling in love.

In my post that was sadly taken away from me, I wrote about what makes people fall in love.

Rational Brain – “I remember that.  It made my synapses bleed girly menstrual blood.”

Um, graphic much?….but anyway, in short, people fall in love because they get inspired.  And inspiration comes from asking the questions “why?” or “how?”

“How do they do that?”  “What made them that way?” or, “How can I do that too?”

The things that don’t belong anywhere in your current understanding, are what’s appealing.  Anything that makes you curious is considered fascinating and/or beautiful.

Like a daisy growing out of concrete, or a purple pebble amidst a sea of grey ones.  Anything outside your current level of experience (understanding), and you wish to learn more about it – are the things you fall in love with.

When you love yourself in the pure form, you find yourself being the daisy, or the purple rock.  Curious, full of mystery and potential too.

When we are interested in a person, they most often come off as mysterious.  And what that mystery really is, is potential.  In a way, it’s your potential.

Basically, when you love yourself, you fall in love with your own potential.  Your own imagination.  Having a muse in your life awakens your own self-love.

Most artists are wrongly accused of egocentricity and narcissism, while in fact the people making those allegations are only vulva eaters themselves.  Stealing power they didn’t earn.  The artist can drown in a sea of grey rocks while vying to better the world.

The contemplators in my head a few days ago were arguing back and forth about this world being built solely by our imaginations.  Imagination creates everything we see and nature provides the fruits of our labor to see it through.

If imagination is Godly, and I somehow linked imagination with the purest form of love (which is said to be God), than perhaps I’m on to something?

We love the people we want to get to know better.  If we love ourselves, we want to get to know ourselves better.  And the people we love inspires our own potential for growth.  Love breeds more love until it stagnates into fear.  Fear breeds more fear.

This is why I write.  I love myself in the purest form and I want to know myself better.  I consider myself that lonely purple rock amidst a sea of grey ones.  I want to stretch my potential and achieve my goals, I want to create.  And by creating, I influence and evolve the world – our sole reason for us being here is to evolve according to ayahuasca.

diamondintherough

Rational Brain – “Did you forget that out of the billions of people inhabiting this world, only 2 actually read your blog?”

Shut up that’s not the point.  Maybe I can influence them in other ways.

Rational Brain – “Only insecure people boast about themselves.”

I’m not boasting, I’m explaining.  It just sounds like boasting is all.

But because I feel this way about myself, I’m not afraid of a grey rock eating away at my vulva – it’s an impossibility.  And staying in my comfort zone, eating my own vulva for survival purposes, is not an issue.  That’s just gross people, come on.

Rational Brain – “Damn girl….”

If you scroll up to where I first mentioned vulva eating, I was going to talk about an entirely different topic.

Rational Brain – “What topic was that?”

Hold on and let me make sure this previous topic is closed.  I want to make sure I can clearly understand what I’m talking about.  Hold up.

Oh shit, I changed.

Rational Brain – “Waddya mean you changed?”

I changed over the years.  I didn’t have as much faith in myself as I do now.  I was on the same level as the grey rocks for a while.

I lived in fear because I was living in my comfort zone for far too long.  I was eating my own vulva – don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t always like that.  When I was 18 I tried out a plethora of jobs and applied myself.  I was young and well aware of my potential.  But as I got older and nothing changed, I slowly sank down to be with the grey rocks.  Aging makes you scared.  Scared of losing life, losing time.  You slip into your comfort zone (survival mode), and lose your love (curiosity, potential).  You escape by keeping yourself busy, or inebriated.  Usually both.  Clinging to those stronger than you but never coming to fruition yourself.  Being enabled.

I only started to rise again once I hit bottom.  Oddly enough, it helped that I didn’t have a stronger person to cling to that would enable me.

Rational Brain – “Kind of like the temperature rising and falling.”

Huh?

Rational Brain – “With you hitting rock bottom and then rising up again.  It’s like New England’s monthly temp’s.”

Yeah…..

Rational Brain – “I really hope you’re not bi-polar.”

Well if I am, I’m loving it.

I don’t know if any person reading this will understand any of it, but while you’re trying to comprehend it all, I’m laying here in bed and it feels like I’m stepping back to take in the view of what I’ve drawn after connecting all the dots.

It’s 11:16.  It taken me a little over an hour to write all that.  An immortal chimp clacking away at random keys is not needed.  I’ve found my own decent “Hamlet”.

Rational Brain – “So what was your original intention for mentioning the vulva eating pigs?”

Hold on, I haven’t read everything I’ve written yet.  Give me a sec.  There may be more on this topic.

Grey rocks are sociopaths.

Rational Brain – “Say what?”

If you’re living in fear as a grey rock, you become a narcissistic sociopath.  When I was working at Massage Envy, I started seeing this in myself and so I wrote about it and tried making a joke of it.

You can only understand the things you’ve experienced, so I’m thankful that I was a grey rock.  Understanding helps facilitate compassion.  Once you understand something, you no longer fear it.  And you can change your colors back to purple, or blue, or whatever your favorite color is.  A diamond perhaps?

Totally off topic, but I consulted the I-Ching asking it who I am and it said (exact quote) “Once I learn fear, I am safe from terror by outside influences.”

I-Ching is furrealz yo.  I believe in it 100%.  So much so that it freaks me out.

Damn, my client still wants to come in for his massage at 3:00.  I just emailed him NO.

Okay so anyway, my original intention for bringing up vulva eating pigs was to tell you about a dream I had last night, or this morning rather.

I dreamt a huge pig – the biggest fattest pig I’ve ever seen was chasing after me.  I thought it was one of those vulva eating pigs so I was terrified, naturally.  But when the pig caught up to me, he put my whole head in its mouth.  I was waiting for him to bite down, but he didn’t.  He slobbered all over my head before letting me go and nonchalantly walked away.  Everyone told me that it was the pig’s way of saying he liked me.

So anyway, back in my bathroom in real life, I went to my trusty dream dictionary authored by the great all-knowing Migene González-Wippler and looked up what it meant to dream of a pig.

Huge success in business is what it means.  HUGE gains.

I’m interviewing two independent contractors tomorrow for at-home massage visits.  I lose no money by hiring them and if it works out, it will be fair and lucrative for us both.

I have a free mini-micro current facial on Wednesday at 9am.  The woman who does them is insanely busy with clients and all she does is micro-current facials.  It’s inspiring me to want to add them to the menu at work, ergo, I’m falling in love with it’s potential.  Inspired for growth!

I received a coupon for a free micro-current facial during an open house at a yoga studio I attended a few months back.

And so I’m going on Wednesday to see what they’re like and to snoop around to see how she has everything set up.  Does she wear gloves?  Do I need a bright light to put in people’s faces like with dentists?  What brand of equipment does she use?

So much to do in 15 minutes…..

After I get a general idea of what I need, I’m going to set up my room similar to how she’s got it and post a job for an esthetician who has a micro-current facial certificate.  If they’re not certified, I’ll pay half of their tuition for the two day course as long as they’re willing to work at least 20 hours a week.  The total cost of the course is $450.  They get $17 an hour when they have a client and $10 for when they don’t.

I have to hold off on getting my machine because if I have to send an esthetician to school to get trained, I’ll be approved for the student discount (I already called and asked) and the $4,000 that the machine costs will be slightly less.

So it’s a wash for me if the esthetician is trained or not, either way I’ll save money.  I’ll save money on the machine with the student discount and if they’re already trained, I’ll save money by not needing to train them.

I’m not waiting a couple months until I save enough money.  I’m doing it all now.  The money will come.

In the meantime, my finances are in the red zone.  At least for three days they are.  The total amount of money in the bank is a meager $5,633.  But that’s after I paid rent, and before I bulk charged my member clients.  I’m also receiving a check for over $400 from the Record Journal, Groupon is sending me $3000 on the 20th for tripling the amount of groupons I sell, I’m still making a steady $100 a day with random services and gift certs as long as snow doesn’t screw things up.  This time next month I’ll be in good shape, at least, I won’t be negative than what I’ve started with this month.

Anyway, I think I’m done writing for today.  I’m worried about my client not responding to the email I sent him.  God I hope he doesn’t show up.

My brothers spa is closed today and he’s watching scary movies with his girlfriend on the couch.  I don’t feel bad not going in because if other places are closed, I’m closed too.

And now I shall retire for the rest of the day and play….DUN dun DUN;  South Park, the stick of truth.  It’s hilarious.  I’m sad to say that I’d rather stay in playing video games than go outside and take a fun refreshing ride on the snow mobile.  Kids today…..80’s babies are wiggedy wack.

 

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Remembering Henry

I wrote about my friend Henry a while ago.  He’s the poor guy who lived in a ramshackle apartment and had his mom bring him McDonalds for supper every night.

He was in a dire situation then, so it seemed.  Rock bottom from my perspective but no, not rock bottom.  Now he’s at rock bottom.  Or at least I hope it’s rock bottom this time.

He’s been living in the woods behind my house for the past 6 weeks!

I’m supposed to see him tomorrow.  It’s so weird how he’s back in my life now of all times – right after writing a post about how I’ll never help anyone who refuses to help themselves.  It figures of all times he picks now to call me.  It’s just his luck.

In the meantime, I have to prepare for my trip to Thailand.  Prepare my business and employee’s, train a new therapist, go to Minnesota to see an old friend for thanksgiving, pick up the slack from my employee who gave me a weeks notice and dropped 4 days off her schedule, and go to the Thai embassy in New York to apply for a visa.  I leave on December 6.  Well, technically it’s December 7 at 2 am when I start my travels.  Which gives me 11 days to do everything in.

I’m staying 6 days over the 30 day allowance they give visitors to Thailand.  I went on a Trip Advisor forum today and asked what I should do.  One guy told me I may not be able to leave the states if I’m staying over 30 days without a visa.

The closest embassy is in New York, an hour and 44 minutes away from my house….and processing time takes two days which means I’ll have to go back there.

Damn I just want to leave already.  11 days!

Tomorrow I have to pick up my malaria pills which are $120, get two photo ID’s taken at CVS, go to the bank to get $300 in thai money, massage a client, I’m supposed to see Henry, I really need to visit my friend who just had surgery and keeps texting me to visit her, have keys made for my new employee….Go to Stop & Shop for tissues and toilet paper for work.

I hate having stuff to do.  Why do people purposely stay busy?  Why?  It sucks!

I told my parents and my brother about Henry.  I asked them if Henry is stuck outside a homeless shelter with no beds left, can he crash here?  My mom said it’s up to my brother and my brother said no.

The sensor light attached to the shed in our backyard won’t turn off.  My mom thinks Henry is out there.  My brother went and locked the shed up for the first time ever today.  My mom thinks Henry is locked inside it.  That’s why the light won’t turn off.

Some guy I know gave me a matchbox…..

Him – “I want you to bring this to Thailand.”

He hands me a matchbox with no other instructions on what to do with it. I thought they were waterproof emergency matches.

Me – “What’s this?”

Him – “My dog.”

Me – “Ummm, your dog?  You mean his ashes?”

Him – “Yeah.”

Me – “You want me to spread your dogs ashes in Thailand?”

Him – “Yes.  Please.”

Me – “Why don’t you spread them in Alaska?”

Him – “I am.”

I shook the box and a bunch of ashes fell out of it.

I’m tempted to throw the box away.  I’m horrible.  But I hardly know the guy and I have different beliefs than he does.

I don’t care where the hell my ashes end up.  It be cool if they ended up in my hometowns water supply (before filtration of course), but other than that I don’t give a shit so why should I care about ashes from a dog I never met owned by a strange guy I hardly know?

I better catch some zzzz.  It’s late.

And the odyssey of my life continues…..

 

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There is no snake

A snake slithered into my dream the other night. He was violent, vicious. Without hesitation, I tried grabbing him by its head.  “It’s the only way,” I thought to myself, “for it to stop biting.”

But the more I grabbed for him, the harder he bit me. I physically felt the sting of his fangs.

I knew that if I didn’t capture him right then and there, I’d have to live in fear.  Anticipating his next move.  Not only that, but I was already bitten.  If he was poisonous, then I had nothing to lose – the poison was already in me. To stop now meant that all those previous bites served no purpose. To run now, expelling the poison, healing myself, only to get bit later on, will cause the process to happen again and again.  Attack.  Pain.  Heal.  Attack.  Pain.  Heal.

Walking away was not the strong choice, but the cowardice choice.  Choosing fear means to live with it.

And so I decided to capture him.  No matter how much it hurt, I chose courage over fear.

And I did end up catching him in the end.  I grabbed him by his head and watched his jaw unhinge baring watery fangs that shot poison at me like water guns.

I’m not sure if poison actually shoots out of fangs, but in my dream it did.

He flailed in my grasp.  The poison in me was gone.  The snake could no longer harm me.

I woke up and looked my hand over to make sure it had no bites on it.  No bites, but it felt sore.  I had a lingering ghost pain that was all in my head.

Damn my dreams….. Ever so vivid.  Blood, puncture wounds, real pain.  My brain is so damn powerful.

What does it mean?

Sometimes you can’t choose your battles.  Nobody chooses what snakes bite them.

“So basically your dream is telling you to seize your fears by their head, correct?”

Yup.

“And by walking away is in fact, the weaker choice?”

Uh huh that’s right.

“Can’t you see that both choices are not actually choices at all?”

Please don’t over-think and complicate things. You know how seriously I take my dreams.

“Hear me out for a second, I think I’m on to something.”

What-ev buddy, it’s late and I need sleep.

“In both cases you’re letting fear govern your actions.  They’re not self-aware or realized choices – they are not awake choices.”

You’re not sounding like my normal snarky rational brain.  What’s with you tonight?

“It feels to me like it doesn’t matter.  Whether you walk away or you don’t, it doesn’t matter.  There will always be another snake, you know?  If you really want to grab fear by its head, you’ll have to grab fear itself, and not the thing you’re afraid of.  There is no snake.  There is no fear.”

I hate to do this to you, but I need sleep.  You’re not acting like your normal self.  We’ll talk more about it tomorrow.

“Right.”

Seriously though, you’re sounding crazy.

“Okay okay goodnight.”

****************************

It’s a couple days later and I’m laying in bed completely exhausted.  I want to hide away from the world.  Am I depressed or legitimately tired?  Tired.  Definitely tired.  And okay, maybe a little depressed.

I saw my tarot reader today, the Wise Woman.  She was at the Guilford Renaissance fair.  She told me that money will soon come and I’m better off than I think.

It’s just that…… I’M SO FREAKING TIRED!

I’m working a lot now so I won’t have to work anymore later, but I’m missing everything in the meantime.  I’m missing the here and now – my LIFE.  Those buckets I wrote about a few days ago – that’s all true.  Totally true.  Even when I’m here, or out in the world socializing, I’m not here exactly – you know?  It’s like I need more time.  Just a little more time for myself.

The tarot reader today told me that I needed a place to go to be alone.  But being alone won’t pay for my $4,000 in monthly bills.  Being alone won’t empty my buckets.  It’s not just about having time alone, it’s about finding contentment.

This is how everybody lives; First money, then love.  First fix your life to avoid worry, then find your passion, find your voice.  It can’t be found at the bottom of a worry bucket.

The Wise Woman also told me that I’m battling what’s important in life.  Love or money – the two cards intersected each other portraying a conflict of interest.

It’s only been three months since I decided to expand my business.  I’ve been open now for a little over a month.  But in those three months, I’ve done nothing but work, worry, and spend money.  I HATE spending money.  And where’s my blog in all this?  I need to write.  I don’t want to, I need to.  At least just a little. But I can’t (this post has taken me weeks to write).

There is only DO, not try, do.  And I’m choosing money over love.  Snakes everywhere.

Okay, I gotta go. Thanks for the chat.

“But what about our discussion about the snakes?  When I said there is no fear, there are no snakes?”

Oh yeah, about that…..

“Well?”

It’s a faith thing.  We fear because we worry and we worry because we lack faith.  Courageous people tackle their fears in order to rid them and in return, they gain confidence and faith in themselves.  It’s just that everybody either runs, or they forget everything.  They forget how amazing they are.  Plus, being that we’re all interconnected and can only evolve together, we’re stuck battling everyone else’s fears.  We’re entangled in everyone else’s shit until we wake the EFF up and make the connections.  Seeing the connections, how our fear meshes with other people’s, that’s when we wake up.

All of us have snakes because we all lack faith.  This is why we’re here, to learn faith.  It can’t be learned while running and forgetting.

“So you still believe then, that walking away is the cowards choice?”

Yes.  Absolutely.  Walking away, living in denial, any type of escape, to me, is cowardly.

“What about the power of letting go?  Ayahuasca made a huge stink about it, don’t you remember?  Or are you too stubborn and living in your own denial?”

Denial is not the same as letting go.  Finding ways to distract yourself is not the same as letting go.  Letting go can only happen with compassion, and most of the world is bereft of it.  If we felt compassionate towards the snake, if we understood him, we’ll have nothing to fear from him.  If he attacks, we’ll be able to understand his pain – his fear.  It’s the snakes fear, not our own, that causes us to run, to judge, to hate.

“So in a sense, we become the snake?”

Exactly!

“Alright, I have no more arguments. Only, how do you stop the pain from the attack?  Even if you are compassionate and understanding, how do you stop from bleeding?”

Once you’re compassionate enough, the sting won’t hurt.  The snake loses his power to harm you.  That is of course, speaking metaphorically about the snake.  As long as you’re living in fear, the sharper the snakes fangs are to bite you with.  The only snakes that attack are the ones attracted to your fear (karma).  You can’t let go of your fear without confronting it.  And while you’re confronting it, it WILL bite the hell out of you.

“When does it stop biting and hurting you?”

When you find its truth.  When you make the connections, see the entanglement.  And in most cases, it lies in our weaknesses.  The strong understand and confront truth while the weak lash their fangs and defend.

“Which one are you Melanie?  You’re running from a future of work, you fear failure, being a loser, an embarrassment.  Do you think somehow that fear can transform you into greed?  Into becoming a snake yourself?”

I can’t say.  Telling myself that it won’t, may just be denial.  Adhering to any belief, narrows my perception in a way where I can’t see my own truth and if I can’t see my own truth, I’ll be bereft of self-compassion, bereft of compassion for others.

“A simple yes or no would’ve sufficed.”

I wanted to end this post long ago, nothing is ever simple for me.

*******************************

It’s now about a week later.  I woke up today and checked my email to find yet another person asking me for a job.  I get a few a these emails a week, only this time it’s different.  This time, he’s a young guy.

Not only is he a young male, but also cute (I found him on Facebook).  Ironically his name just happens to be Adonis.

A young, attractive male therapist is a very hot commodity for any massage clinic.  I called him and left him a message on his voicemail.  I hope to hear back.

I have a long hefty list of To Do’s today and it’s already rolling into 4:30 and I still haven’t left the house.  My one day off, the only day I can get things done – the only day I have to rest and recoup is spent editing a blog post that pretty much nobody will understand while carrying these damn buckets of To Do lists and hoping Adonis will call and rescue me.

The notebook I use to write down blog idea’s is overflowing.  Nothing’s getting done, nothing’s getting written, nothing is escaping my brain to turn into pink permanent butterflies flittering on the inter-web never to be forgotten by me again.

I’m forgetting things, forgetting myself.  Well, I’m forgetting everything except for that looming $4,000 I have to pay every month.  Is hiring another employee really a good decision Mel?  You’re not a damn accountant.

 

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Melanie’s search for meaning continues

Electrons circle around the nucleus of an atom.  Heat causes stray particles to run rampant, colliding with those orbiting electrons encircling the nucleus.  The electrons become energized and raised to a higher orbital frequency furthering themselves away from their original orbital home.  In order for those electrons to stabilize and fall back into their regular orbit, they must discharge any unneeded energy they obtained during their collision with the stray heated particles.  And as they discharge this unwarranted energy, they create light.

Light is comprised of all the colors of the rainbow.  Depending on how much energy the electron needs to discharge for it to fall back into its orbit, correlates to the frequency (color) of the photon they create.

As of now, nothing that we know of exists that can travel faster than discharged energy escaping a hyped up electron, otherwise known as light.  Nothing.  Not even time itself.

Think about it.

I mean really.

Think.

The life of a photon, there is no life.  Not even an existence really.  Well, none that they’re aware of anyway.  Because for them, time stands still.

It completely blows my mind when I think about it.  I can’t grasp my thoughts for more than two seconds.  I’m not high if that’s what you’re thinking.

Okay, here’s why my mind is blown.  I’ll illustrate.

A star that is billions, trillions of light years away – that light emitted from the star has been traveling for billions, trillions of years just to reach us.  It traveled for nearly an infinite distance, overcoming all obstacles, not being blocked or absorbed by oncoming traffic, no.  For billions of years it flew fast and free while in the eyes of the photon, it has no awareness of the time it took for them to get here.  Because time stands still for them, their birth and death are instantaneous.  To them, they are born and absorbed into our retina’s at the same time.  Their only meaning, their one and only purpose for existence was for us to see the star.

When we look up them, the stars, the light that hits our eyes is almost as old as the universe itself.  Not only that, but the light that hits our eyes are alien.  It’s not of this world, but of another.  We are absorbing trillions of ancient alien photons (that were made from an ancient alien electron in an ancient alien atom) through our eyeballs every time we look at a star.  Particles that were made trillions upon trillions of miles across our galaxy, bypassed astroids, planets, cosmic dust, survived for millennia unperturbed all for its life to end instantaneous in our dilated pupils.

All starting with one electron, in one atom.  An atom who’s existence wouldn’t be known if its electrons hadn’t discharged extra energy for them to fall back into their regular orbit around a nucleus.

Discharge.  I hate that word, but that’s besides the point.

I’m discharging right now.  All over my blog.  I have to in order for me, myself, to fall back into my regular orbit.

To me, this is what we all do.  We discharge in order for us to go back into being “regular”.  Or at least, feeling like ourselves anyway.

Beauty isn’t found in the irregularities.  It’s found in our uniques ways to getting back to regular.

But light man, what a trip.  If time stands still for light, does it really exist?  Or does it only exist when we’re there to witness it?

It’s like that old koan about a tree falling in the woods and nobody is around to hear it.  If you sucked out all the air in those woods, than no, nothing can hear it fall.  Sound can only travel in a medium (such as air).  Sound can’t exist in a vacuum.  But light travels without air, which leads scientists to believe there’s a medium we’re not aware of.

Nobody has actually seen a light particle.  They exist in theory.  Nobody has seen a light wave.  Nobody know’s what light is exactly.  And how do our brains decipher these theoretical discharged photons?  How does it do that?  Why do our eyes decipher these photons as light?  And how the hell do our brains see the frequency (color) of those photons?!

And where does light get it’s energy to travel with anyway?

Think about it.

In order for something to move forward, it has to be propelled by something.  A trajectory.  But light being the fastest thing imaginable, has no mass (none that we know of), no time, no matter, cannot be bottled up or contained – what’s moving it?  If it’s true that light only exists when we see it, what if we’re the medium?  What if we’re the one’s who move it?  Not just us, but any consciousness.

In all the experiments that were created to measure light, all of them conclude that light exists in non-locality (in buddhism, this is experienced as emptiness).  They also claim that an observer – someone who witnesses the experiment – localizes the wave into single particles.  The energy of our consciousness effects the test results – how’s that for a medium?

If light is formed from an electrons discharge, than what is formed from the energy being discharged through our synapses?  Doesn’t that energy escape too?  And if so, is it possible that that conscious energy, also timeless, without weight, exists in non-local space-time, can travel just as fast, if not faster than light?  Therefore bypassing the time boundary and entering not just into the past, but a perpetual continuum of timeless non-local probabilities, only coming into existence when someone recognizes it.

If this is true, then every thought we ever had and will ever have has been predestined.  We are only receivers of them.  Which means that because our actions stem from thought, whether it be conscious or unconscious, everything we do and will ever do, has already been done.  As in, predestined for it to happen.

Ayahuasca told me that God is timeless and exists in all of us.  What if God is conscious thought that’s orchestrating life in order to facilitate our spiritual evolution?

All thought is from God, and God is us.  We are it.

Ayahuasca also told me that we have free will.  We can choose our paths.  Whatever we do, or not do, is meant to be.

When I experienced emptiness (an experience almost all buddhists have felt) for those fleeting 2 seconds, I saw pure potential.  I experienced my free will.  But at the same time, its an illusion because all that exists and all that will ever happen, is happening right now.  Our past, present, and future is happening simultaneously because our collective consciousness transverses space and time.  It’s all happening right now, but we’re unable to see, understand, or experience it because we lack the spiritual dimension.

It’s like we’re a prism.  We catch light rays and our consciousness refracts it into our own individual personalities (colors) in order for us to see the contrasts, experience them, and define ourselves.  Through definition, we grow.  But we all come from the same light.  A light that is spread in a wave of non-local possibilities until our conscious mind brings it into fruition.

I started this post last night at 1AM.  I didn’t even attempt sleep until I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open.  And today I woke up early, trained a new employee to sit and answer phones and then I came here, to the Nissan dealership in Hartford for an oil change.

I’m sipping hot chocolate.  I’m exhausted.

To wrap up a rather confusing boring ass post, there IS no meaning.  None of what we do matters, only that we grow spiritually.  And according to my musings a few days ago, we learn through experience and we can only experience something through emotion.

So if emotions are the key to spiritual growth and awareness, by default, they are never meaningless.  No emotion is ever meaningless.

I believe that empaths can experience meaning behind all emotion, even when it’s not their own.  I had a very troublesome time training my new hire because of this.  I’ll save that for another post.

I got my brain back, but do I really want it back?  Shit keeps me up at night.  Plus explaining all of this to my family over Easter dinner makes me feel like a damn outcast.

And there’s still so much to write about….

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