I am way way WAY out of my comfort zone right now. Way.
My new friend likes me a lot, a lot. Like, a lot. So much. Crazy insane heaps of like.
She’s friends with my friends so I can’t go into much detail here in my blog about anything that she shares with me, it’s private. I’m not sure what I can share without sounding like a disrespecting douche.
I’ll say that she is aggressive. I can say that much. So very aggressive.
There were times in my life when I questioned my sexuality. I thought deeply about what it would feel like to be with a girl, but then I realized I don’t desire vagina, I have no interest in seeing naked women or touching them, that stuff doesn’t do anything for me. Not to mention men feel so much more natural and comfortable and safe.
Other things to think about: I’ve had legitimate crushes on boys starting at a tender age. I had this crazy obsession for Fred Savage when I was 9, amongst crushes in my 4th grade class. As far as girl crushes? They number in the 1’s. I had one legitimate girl crush when I was 21.
So how did I get myself into this fucking mess I’m in? I’ll tell you. I’m a flirt. I’m a fucking narcissistic flirtatious bastard and when I like someone, whether it be a guy or a girl, doesn’t matter, I come on strong. I invited my friend Kristina to go on vacation with me and my friends the second day I met her which she even told me was very strong and out of place. I have no clue how I sound. I very rarely know what I’m doing.
That’s just how I am. I love attention and truth is, I love everyone and have a desire to make everyone feel loved and special. I’ve broken many hearts which isn’t something I’m proud of and it’s the biggest reason why I keep to myself these days. I won’t hurt anyone and nobody will hurt me. I’d rather play video games and go rollerblading and travel wherever and whenever the fuck I want.
But it feels really nice to have someone like me so much. I love the way she makes me feel. It feels amazing, like a drug.
The first time she made it clear to me how she felt, I turned her down. But then my brother met her and told me that if I like her, I shouldn’t wait and that life is too short and she’s a nice girl….etc.
I wish he never said that because the very next day, I told her I’ll try it. Because of his “life is too short speech”, I’d give it a go. Why not?
All this has taken place in a very short amount of time mind you. I hung out with this girl a total of 6 times and it was yesterday, date number 6, was the day I told her I’d “give it a go”.
We decided to see a movie at the theater, what the hell’s the name of it….hold on…A Simple Favor.
We were sitting there in the fancy reclining seats watching the opening previews when she leans in and says, “when it gets dark, I’m going to hold your hand.”
Even that small gesture, just hand holding (which I’ve always enjoyed doing in the past), made me insanely nervous. I’ve held hands with girls before, but it never did anything for me, it was just nice. A nice gesture of connection. But when she did it, my whole body responded. It was a whole body response. My anxiety was palpable. It started to wear off as I paid my full attention to the movie and less on her hand.
After the movie, she was laying it on thick. Touching my hair, staring intently at me, watching my every move, telling me how beautiful my eyes are – this sent me into a frantic spiral of true panic. And I’m talking true panic. I know what panic feels like, I’ve experienced it several times in my life and yesterday in the car with her was no different – it was indeed, true panic. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t talk. The more intently she watched me for a reaction, the worse it became.
Me – “I uhh…..I, eh, thanks.”
Her – “You’re so nervous, don’t be nervous! I’m not nervous.”
Her saying that just made me more nervous.
All I could think about was how much I wanted a beer right then. I’m not an alcoholic, I never need beer. But I needed a beer so badly right then. A beer would loosen me up a bit.
Me – “No, I’m not nervous. Not at all.”
I was fucking freaking out.
Me – “I need to pick up a dress from my friend Mo. It’s for the wedding I’m going to on Friday.”
We go to Mo’s house to pick up the dress. I run in, say my “Hello’s”, grab the dress and leave.
When I’m back seated in the car I say – “I can really use a beer.”
This is when she started suspecting I was not gay after all. Because I was so nervous and needed a beer to relax.
I taught myself a trick for when I get nervous and it works like a charm every time. The trick is to breath in through your nose and out through your mouth – very deeply and methodically. She was talking non-stop as I did my breathing exercises to calm myself down. She was talking about how not gay I am.
Her talking was making me nervous and I wanted her to shut the F up about it already, and that’s when I calmed myself down enough to kiss her for the first time. We were seated in my car outside the bar.
Her – “No, you don’t really want to. You don’t have to.”
Me – “I do though….”
Her – “No you don’t.”
We leave it at that and go into the bar. We went to Friends on Center street.
One sip of my beer felt like pure bliss. One sip melted away my anxiety, shredded it to ribbons – just one sip of this golden miraculous amazing elixir of the God’s.
I drank two Miller Lights and I tell her I have to run to Holly’s house to pick up Steph’s firestick so I can have it jail broken by my friend Bobby who I will see that night.
We walk out of the bar, hop into my car….I’m feeling good at this point so I try kissing her again. Only, she doesn’t know what she’s doing, so I instruct her on how to kiss and she’s the nervous one this time.
I love kissing. That’s one thing I’ve always loved to do. I’ve kissed hundreds of people by now and it never gets me nervous. Kissing this girl makes me less nervous than holding her hand or listening to her compliment me – this I cannot explain and it makes little sense to me. Compliments and handholding are panic triggers, but kissing does the opposite? I don’t get it.
We stop at Holly’s house. Once again, I leave her in the car while I run in and out, saying my Hello’s and what-not.
Once I’m back in the car – “I should go to my pool league.”
Her – “Why don’t you invite me?”
So she comes along with me to my pool league. I drank a beer, than another – after that second beer, I was telling everyone at the pool hall that this girl is my girlfriend and we’re dating. Even Bobby, the man I confessed my love to a week prior, know’s I’m dating this girl.
I just don’t want to lose her. I miss being liked this much, and my body responds to her. I can’t deny that. My body likes it but my heart is screaming at me something awful. It’s like my body is playing devils advocate and my heart is the saint.
Body – This feels nice, doesn’t it? Are you aroused?
My Heart – You’re going to hell Melanie! You’re going to crush this poor girl and for that you’re going to hell!
Me – But how can it be wrong if my body likes it? My body is responding to it, so I’m not lying about anything.
And that’s where I am right now.
After pool, I drove her back home and kissed her goodnight. She’s gotten better at kissing at this point and was less nervous doing it.
On my way home I had to listen to my stupid heart screaming at me – literally is was screaming and cursing up a storm, almost making me break down in tears.
Me – Oh my god I’m horrible. I’m awful. I’m a horrible awful person. This is the worst possible thing to ever do to a person and I’m doing it. The worst possible thing and I’m doing it.
Me – But how is what I’m doing wrong? I technically haven’t done anything bad. I’m just feeling out the waters, that’s all, that’s why people date in the first place – I’m not doing anything wrong. CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
At some point in the day, after the movie, she asked me who I found more attractive.
Her – “Who did you find more attractive? So and So or So and So?”
(I can’t remember the actors names.)
Me – “I don’t know who those people are.”
Her – “The girls in the movie we just watched!”
Me – “Oh, they’re both girls?”
One of them had a mannish name.
Her – “The brunette or the blonde.”
This is a big factor as to why I’m a horrible person. During the whole movie, I wasn’t attracted to either of the actresses. Not only in that movie, but I’m talking in my life of watching movies. I don’t want to screw the actresses and I’ve never once compared them to each other. But male actors on the other hand, yes. I’ve done that.
Me – “I’d go for the blonde. She was more of a bitch.”
I don’t look at other women. I’m not a lesbian, I’m not. I can’t be. But it can’t be so black and white, can it?
This is where I am right now. It’s a huge mess. A huge huge mess. If I didn’t do my secret breathing exercises, or drink those beers, she would’ve put me aside. But no. My stupid brother with his big-ass mouth egging me on, putting me up to the idea. I blame him. He’s so stupid.
I think that maybe having my body react in the way that it did, is a natural response. Like a parasympathetic response. The truth that I can not refute is the uproarious discomfort I feel. I feel total discomfort today. When I think about breaking it off before it really even begun, I feel a tremendous relief from it. But that means I can’t kiss her anymore, and she won’t want to be around me anymore – but the relief…..the relief is very real.
I really do want to cry.
But if we stay fully clothed and she stops with the compliments, this can totally work. Oh my God I have problems. Oh my God. Melanie you douche. You ARE a douche.
She was a little disappointed when I told her I never watched the L word.
I tried watching it last night and after the first 5 minutes, I switched to watching American Horror Story. It just seemed too gay for me. I have zero interest in watching the L word. Like, no interest what-so-ever.
Fuck. I’m fucked. I’m so fucked.