Category Archives: random thoughts

Day Off Ramble

What came first, the stomach or the mouth?

Without the stomach, we wouldn’t need a mouth and without a mouth, there wouldn’t be need for a stomach.

Thinking about this makes me want to nap.

It’s my day off and I was going to go hiking, run some errands, install a shelf, call a friend, and sit at the coffee house to blog but instead, I’m laying in bed.  The worlds number one most laziest girl.

I’m on a tight budget for the next few weeks, or month.  It’s July 18th and I have $3,800 in the bank.  $2000 of it goes towards paying my workers, $1675 for rent, Geico, verizon, and Amazon credit card are all still due ($400 roughly) and that leaves me with negative $275.  I can easily make $275, but my property taxes are also due ($300), so I need to make at least $575 by the end of the month.

It’s totally doable, no question about it.  It’s just that I hate this.  My quarterly taxes were due this month, last month my employee’s got paid three times instead of two, and all my groupon money went towards paying off my debt.

I mean, the business is doing fine, really.  If I didn’t have debt, I’d have $17,000 more in the bank than I do right now, possibly more.  But I couldn’t pay off any chunks of it last month or this month, it’s at a standstill yet again.

But I have plans, as always.  Plans that don’t require a gamble like pricey marketing scams or adding facials to the menu.  I lost a lot of money through gambles.  No, just simple marketing by handing out coupons to new clients.

I’m starting a new type of membership program, one where clients don’t have to get charged every month.  As long as they come in once a month, they can get the membership rate.

Our members don’t come in every month, so there’s a mass ton of massages we have to give and the money I received from these massages is long spent.  Adding more members is not the solution for this business, but clients who pay at the time of their visit is.

I like the coupon idea.  It’ll actually save us money and hassle in the long run.  There are equal pro’s and con’s to each membership program and I’m putting the choice in the clients hands on what to do.

Vista Print will ship the coupons out in a week or so and when I get them, I’m going to sell a few groupons to get new clients in here to see how well this idea works.

Anyway, my Alaskan trip was great.  My host, the guy who paid for half my ticket, I didn’t know him all that well before the trip but he really opened up this time.  Spending a week with anybody can do this.  He relaxed and felt comfortable and talked to me like one of his good buddies.  That’s exactly how I want everyone to talk to me.  It’s about truth and honesty.

Guys are definitely easier to get along with than girls.  Girls don’t relax like guys do, or let down their guards.  We evolved into being manipulative due to our lack of strength and dependance.


I read an article about how to increase grey matter in the brain and it said to play an instrument, play video games (um, yes!), learn a new language, play chess….etc.

I downloaded an app for chess and learned how to play.

I thought chess was only for intelligent people but it turns out to be just like any other game I played.  I thought it would be too difficult to be addicting but no, it’s not difficult and it IS very addicting.  It’s no different than playing spider solitaire which I had a HUGE addiction to and had to delete the game.

I’ve been playing every chance I get.  In-between clients, while watching tv.  On my phone or on my laptop.

That’s what I’ve been doing instead of blogging.  Playing chess.

But I can actually feel a difference in my brain.  It’s becoming more calculating.

Most of what we do is automaton.  Our brains are involuntarily digesting food, pumping oxygen to our toes, hearing and viewing the outside world.  Allowing habits to form so they too can become involuntary.

I believe the only time we actually use our heads is when we’re actively learning.  Problem solving is a form of learning.  Communicating is not always a form of learning and can also become habitual.  We don’t really listen to each other because we assume we already know what the other is saying.  And like with any habit (tough to break), can be nearly impossible getting through to some people.

Our brains are turned off for most of the day.  That’s pretty crazy, right?

But since I started playing chess, it’s like a juggernaut.  I want more.  Like why does an explosion happen when you split the nucleus of an atom?  Why isn’t there any radiation in Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

(I’m reading a WWII novel)


“Learning” can also become habitual.  When you don’t really understand an answer, you give up on it.  It’s too much trouble.  In essence, you teach yourself how to not learn anything and by doing this, blocks form in your head.

Some people can’t understand the simplest of concepts due to these blocks.

Stupidity can only be taught by the person doing the teaching, and we can only teach ourselves.  Real teachers are only guides, we ultimately teach ourselves.  There should be a class on how to learn.


Why I think angry people are stupid people…

I got angry the other day at a client scamming our business.

I never get angry, so when it happened, I jumped at the opportunity to analyze it.

I felt threatened.  That’s all it came down to.

Anger, broken down to it’s simplest form, is about feeling threatened.  A feeling that you can’t beat the other person.  You can’t win at their game.  Sometimes the opponent is yourself (not being good at anything, feeling like a loser).

Whether it be your ego, your value, your personality being threatened, ideals or beliefs, or your peace of mind (happens when you get annoyed), anger manifests.

The amount of anger you feel is in relation to the amount of worry, or lack of control you have over the situation.  The more hopeless, the angrier you get.  The anger makes you feel powerful enough so you can beat your opponent, but in actuality it does little but cloud your perception of truth.

Perhaps phobia’s are a form of anger?  I’ll get to that later….

That’s why some people can’t handle debating.  If they are unequipped (stupid), they’ll get angry because they can’t formulate their argument, they can’t sway you.  They’d rather shut down and tell you to “go fuck yourself”, than to deal with facing their own inadequacies and holes in their belief system.

Denial is a river of stupidity forever openly flowing.

It happens when you make blocks in your head by being too lazy (or too busy) to understand an answer, so you make assumptions to replace understanding.  Hence the holes in your belief system.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, where was I?  Oh yeah, my client made me angry.  Almost the trembling kind (that’s the worst).

I analyzed it and at the heart of it, I felt she was threatening my business.

Now, in the past, as most of you know, I had a bad run of it.  My business wheels were crumbling on the road to failure.  The feelings I went through during that disastrous time left an imprint, a wordless feeling, ominous.  Anything, or any person who threatens my business hooks me back up to that ominous emotion I felt during the time my business was falling apart.

While I no longer should feel threatened, things are okay now, I still have that emotional imprint.  Like you remember how burlap feels rough on your skin, you can remember how you felt when your life was shattering.  It’s always there and you can never forget.

As soon as I realized she can’t hurt my business, my anger released.  And I mean the instant I realized this.  I still felt the physical residue of anger, the heightened blood pressure and adrenaline, but I told myself those are only the physical symptoms and will soon go away.

It’s hard getting rid of emotion while your physical body wants to hold onto it.  You may have found your answer, but you still feel upset.  You think nothing has been solved, so you cycle through it again until you fall asleep and wake up the next day feeling great.  It’s all just stress hormones.

Angry people can’t separate the past from the present.  They are constantly being tied back in.  The older they get, the more shit they go through, the angrier and more hopeless they become.  Every little nuance, the smallest of troubles, can become mole hills.

The worst of these angry people put up brain blocks by not taking the time to understand something, so they taught themselves how to be stupid.  They assume too much, filling in the holes with an already shotty belief system.  They can’t debate.  Can’t face truth.  They’re angry and half the time don’t know why.

They have the potential to be smart, so on the outside they might seem fine, but with all the blocks and assumptions, or even just being tied into past emotions, it’s a recipe for anger.

Maybe angry people aren’t stupid, but they’re weak.  They don’t believe they have all the power.


In other news, I made an appointment to get laser hair removal done on my face.  On my upper lip and under my chin.  I bought a whole package of them through the barter network.

Before I go under the laser, I can’t pluck or wax my hair.  There needs to be stubble.  So I’m giving myself one month of no plucking to make sure every little hair follicle is at the surface ready to be zapped.  The med spa said I’m allowed to shave though…..

It’s incredibly hard not to pluck.  I habitually rub my face up and down throughout the day checking for any stubble and when I find something, I pluck it out and it feels so good.  The thicker and darker the hair, the better it feels when I pull it out.  I look forward to my nightly pluckings.

But wow, to see them all growing together like this, I really am a hairy beast girl.  I didn’t shave yesterday and it looked like I had a five o’clock shadow.  If I don’t shave my face, I’m habitually rubbing my stubble.  The temptation to pluck is incalculable.

My appointment is August 1st, I’m only on day 18.  18 days of no plucking.  And I probably can’t pluck until the last laser treatment is done.

If it actually works, I’ll never have to worry again about what I look like while taking one of my wacky treks through unknown lands.  I’ll not need my mirror.


It’s now 5:30pm, I safely made it though most of the day by lounging.  I didn’t have any work emergencies thank god.  But I missed my window for a nap.  I think I shall play chess and watch Limits of Perception on Amazon prime.

I’m a dorky, weird, hairy lazy beast girl who writes 1800 words “just for fun”.  And I recently beat my video game, that’s another reason why I’m blogging today.

I think the stomach came first.

Oh, I was going to write about how phobia’s are connected to anger…..

Anger is more like a battle, you can either win or lose against your opponent.  Anger is not resolved.

Phobia’s are what happens after you lost the battle.  Not only have you lost, but years later, those scars still remain.  Triggers can hook you up directly to emotions of the past.

How do you explain an aerophobic person who never flew in a plane before?  It’s tied in with something else, an entirely different past experience.  Different experience, but same emotion.

Phobia’s are unresolved battles that you’ve lost.  The more you panic, the more hopelessness you feel.  The physical response of reliving and retrieving stress hormones from the past only exacerbates the matter.  Your body can’t relax no matter how calm your senses.  It’s autoimmune, first response.  Emotion comes before thought.  You’re caught in the grip of panic without knowing what’s causing it.  And when you realize, it’s too late.  Your body refuses to cooperate with reasoning.


Holy crap listen to this…..I’m watching Limits of Perception and you want to hear something cool?

When the earth starts heating up for whatever reason, don’t know the reason due to chaos theory, the earth metabolizes itself and you want to know how?  Oceans start getting warmer, plankton produce and multiply faster in warm water and plankton produces a molecule called DMS.  DMS causes water to condense into droplets, making clouds brighter and shinier to reflect the suns heat back into space.  These juiced up water droplets end up cooling the earth.

Plankton, a micro-organism, saves us from extinction every time a heat wave strikes.

And these little guys love the sun, but their own love of the sun causes clouds to appear.  It’s sort of an analogy for letting go.  If you hold on too tight, keeping watch and waiting (wading in the water like plankton), the sun will never appear.

Shit, I think I’m done for today.  I should probably eat something.



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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

When You Don’t Belong

When you’re the new guy at work, or new in town, you’re thrust into an environment where you must learn in order to survive.  I use the term “survive” loosely.  You must learn in order to make life easier and why is that important?  Because all anybody really wants is to be happy.

When we’re happy, we stop learning.  Your brain gets numb and dumb.  At least, that’s what happens to me.  All I want to do is eat and spend money when I’m happy.  To reach for my next fix.

Curiosity is different from learning in this sense, in that with curiosity, you’re not curious to help you “survive”, you’re curious because you have survived, or are surviving.  It’s more along the lines of not living to survive, but surviving so you can live.

Surviving is not living, and neither is the happiness that comes with it.  That kind of happiness makes you stupid, entitled, arrogant.  Hiring people to think for you.  Becoming a critic on your own likes and dislikes.

I want to establish the difference between learning to survive and learning to live and I strongly believe it’s through curiosity.

So when you’re the new guy, you don’t merely adapt out of fear you won’t make it.

Boss – “This is how we do it here.”

Surviver – “You got it boss.”

Liver – “But why do it that way?”

By learning why things are done a certain way, you’re less likely to repeat the mistakes of the past.  It also puts you in a position of higher innovated thinking.  The freedom to think different because you’re not scared of the consequences.

Unless you don’t care.  When you don’t care, you do what you’re told.  Indifference may be another indicator of a surviver.  You care only for your next paycheck.  Your reward, your entitlement.  The cycle repeats.

Perhaps that’s why money has a bad rep?  It’s the superficial fruits of labor, something we all want no matter what it takes to get it.  Our virtues become bent and broken.

Is the curious person a more virtuous person?

Blind loyalty to a person of power is another blatant quality of a surviver.

To me, anybody who exhibits blind loyalty to ANYONE is a dumb ass.

I’m curious as hell but when it came to working for someone else, I didn’t care.  I did what I was told.  My integrity was in constant upheaval, and the types of menial jobs I acquired were operated under common-sense rules and not some fancy formula for success.  I didn’t need to question any of it.

I did however, question why I was there.  And it’s a good thing too or I never would have opened my own practice.

I’m in Alaska at my friends house.  I’m so glad I brought my laptop!  We’re not going to the forest fest until later, when everyone gets out of work.  We’re going to set up camp, literally.

Until then, I’ll just have to lay around.  I don’t get bored but I wish I had a car…..Jay said I can use his car but it sounds like it’ll die at any second.  I’m in his bedroom laying on his futon and he’s on the floor in a sleeping bag taking a nap.  I’d bide my time drinking beer and watching YouTube documentary’s but I’m afraid of getting a headache if I did that.  It happened yesterday and it was a doozie.

So pretty much I’m only here for the Forest Fair it seems.  See myself some arts and crafts and shit like that.

I think I should shower and pack up my things.

But that thing I wrote about virtue being related to curiosity makes sense.  I want to meditate on it.  Indulge me for a spell…..

If virtue = caring, why care?  Why do we care about certain things and not others?  Because it effects me personally?  Or because of compassion? Or that I have such an awesome ulterior idea that surpasses the idea’s already in place and I need to voice them?

why do we care

We wouldn’t be curious about anything if we didn’t care.  I mean, it’s common sense if you think about it.

But being the cynic that I am, people care only for themselves.

And since I care only for myself, I’m curious mainly to enhance who I already am?  And if I enhance others in the process, strength in numbers, right?

So a curious, “virtuous” person is the biggest snake in the grass?  As opposed to a surviver who’s just going about their day minding their own business, trying to make a place for themselves, they are less likely to be meddlesome and manipulative?


I feel no guilt what-so-ever.  I have felt it, but reconstructed my life so to never feel it again.  I voice my opinions and reject anything that will have the repercussions of guilt, even if felt long after the fog clears.

A caring person is a person who does things in a certain way to refrain from feelings of guilt and regret.

My cynical outlook can never be refuted or unproven.  When any question like this arises (why do we care?), it always has to do with what we can gain or refrain from it.

I DO feel people’s pain, but I don’t enjoy it.  So I make them feel better for my own good.  Because if I were to be in their shoe’s, I’d want help too.  It makes me feel better to help.

I’m a snake in the grass that feeds the hungry.

Okay, I’m going to shower.  I have to pee.

Oh and one more thing…..It’s better to not belong than it is to belong.  The best stories are from people who were thrown into a mess of a situation – outsiders who weren’t trained to be “yes men” because they have no fear of not being one.  The best stories are of people who live, and not survive.  There’s choices in living but none in survival.

Unless of course it’s a real survival story, those are cool.

Okay, I’m done.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Travel

Another OBE

I just want to write real quick about the OBE I had a few days ago.

It started out as a regular dream.  I was laying down on a wooden floor in front of a fireplace, incredibly tired and just wanted to sleep.  My “parents” were there sitting on the couch.  “Parents” is in quotes because they weren’t my actual parents in real life, but in my dream these strangers were most definitely my parents.  We just moved into a new house and I had my own bedroom, but I fell asleep on the floor in the living room because my bedroom felt lonely and didn’t feel like “home” to me.

Parents – “Why don’t you sleep in your room?”

Me – “I’m too tired…..I don’t want to……”

And I was incredibly tired and half asleep.  The wood floor felt hard, but warm in front of the fireplace and I was comfortable and felt safe.

My “dad” picked me up and placed me on the couch.

This feels like it actually happened, in a past life or something.

And then I woke up at a retreat center for video gamers.  People who wanted to get away and play video games all day, but the games they had were old and sucked.  Paperboy was one of them, a nintendo game from the 1980’s.

I sat on the floor with two of my friends, two boys and a girl with punkish pink hair.  One of the boys said that if I was a soda flavor, I wouldn’t taste good.  That’s when I became lucid and realized what he said didn’t make any sense.

Me – “I wouldn’t taste good if I was soda?”

Him – “No way.”  And he started laughing.

The 3 young people seemed extremely familiar to me, like I knew them personally from other dreams.  I was completely lucid but felt like I met these three over and over again, and also been to that same video game retreat center repeatedly.

Me – “I know you!  You were in other dreams I had.  Do you remember me?”

They all shook their heads.  “We don’t know you.”

They got up to leave, visibly miffed by my comment.

The girl – “We never dreamt of you dude.”

I was irritated and confused.  Confused that those people and that place seemed so familiar.  I stood up and said, “look!  This is a dream!”  And started flying around the room.  I learned how to fly from previous lucid dreams and it’s not as easy as it sounds.  It’s pure will power.

Then I flew out of the building and was surrounded by darkness.  Not evil, just cloudy and I was losing lucidity.

Me – “This dream sucks, I better wake myself up or I’ll never get any rest.”

I opened my “eyes” and was outside my house in my backyard.

I specifically remember opening my eyes, it’s such a strange experience when this happens.  It’s the second time this happened, when I think I’m opening my real eyes only to open my celestial eyes.  I was out of body.  I could feel the dampness in the air, the wind on my face.  I looked down and saw a holographic computer screen hovering in front of me.  It was long and rectangular.  So bright.  All around me was dark, because of night.  But the screen was so bright.  I blinked a few times just to be sure of what I was looking at.  A perfect rectangle of light surrounded by the dead of night.

“Well, this is new.”

Yep definitely a computer screen.  It had images on it, but I couldn’t comprehend any of it or see it clearly.  I was too much in awe, or in shock to understand it.

Then I realized that I was “holding” the screen in-between my hands.  Like it was such a natural and intuitive impulse, to put my hands out as if I were to clap really loud, but instead, conjure up an astral computer screen.  If I narrowed or widened the length in-between my hands, the screen would stretch or narrow.


This all happened moments after opening my celestial eyes and then I heard a voice.

Voice – “Michael.”

Then a pause.

Me thinking – “Well, that’s new too.  I never heard a voice before.  Maybe I’m being called on a mission?”

I looked down at the computer screen thinking it would give me instruction.  Is Michael in trouble and I have to save him?

Then the voice started talking again, clearly as plain as day.  That’s when I realized it wasn’t a voice from a spirit guide, but my audiobook!  I could hear it so vividly.  I can’t hear anything while I’m having a regular dream, or a lucid dream.  My auditory senses get cut-off completely but while out of body, I can hear everything clear as day.

Me – “Huh, interesting.”

Not that that little bit of info will ever apply to me in waking life, but yeah.  While having an out of body experience, you can hear everything going on around your sleeping body.

I was let down because I really thought I was being called out on my first mission to save somebody.  I was amped up for it and ready to go, but no.  The audiobook ended up bringing me back to my bedroom in my body and the experience was over.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking.  That I’m completely off my rocker.  Something is seriously wrong with my brain.  But I swear I’m as normal as they come other than fear of commitment.

The girl I fired the other day, she has serious mental problems.  She twitches, squints her eyes quickly, talks loud and is argumentative, defensive.  Can you get a visual of the type I’m talking about?  Or is she too rare of a breed to be like any other?

Anyway, she’s the only person I know who has legitimate mental issues and so I asked her a few weeks ago if she ever had a lucid dream.  I wanted to know if there’s a correlation between emotional imbalances and fucked up dream experiences.

Her – “I dream of my teeth falling out all the time, it’s sort of like a lucid dream.”

Me – “Have you ever had auditory hallucinations?  Do you hear things when you fall asleep that aren’t there?”

I forgot what she said (this happened weeks ago), but the answer was no.  At least, not comparable to what I’ve experienced.

Me – “Have you ever had an out of body experience?”

Her – “Not that I know of.”

She’s the craziest person I know, but she hasn’t experienced what I have.

My blog is getting full of this shit.  I’m almost to the point of being embarrassed by it.  No no, I AM at the point of being embarrassed by it.  I don’t talk about it to anyone outside my blog.  And I’m the type who NEVER gets embarrassed.  Or at least, I’m not easily.  That’s why I dance and sing the way I do.  But this…..this embarrasses me.

And I can’t stop this crazy new notion that I have.  This idea, becoming solidified into an actual belief, that my thoughts impact EVERYTHING.

I’ve written about it before – loads in fact.  That thoughts have a profound impact on reality.  But it was only thoughts and idea’s, nothing substantial.

I have no clients today.  It’s wonderful.  And I want to write about this so bad, all this garbage inside my head – where do I start?  But I also hate writing long rambling posts.  Posts where I transfix and lose my rationality.  Those posts embarrass me more than anything, more than my out of body experiences.

I’ve experienced, several times now, that we are the universe.  I hit that high point of moksha, the point where you understand everything – I hit it a few times while ingesting powerful psychedelics, and once from simple meditation before falling asleep.

When I was a high schooler, keeping a journal, I made it my mission to find out exactly who I am.  I peeled layer after layer, but it was like an onion.  I found no pit at the center.

Me thinking – “Maybe if I’m as honest as I possibly can be, than I can know myself?”

So I wrote as honestly and as candidly as I could muster and realized my true self can only be found in my intentions, and digging even deeper, intentions can be found in desires.  I came to the conclusion that there is no “me”, only what I desire.

I learned about buddhism soon after that.  I learned that buddhism teaches you how to let go of desire.

Me – “Than there wouldn’t be any “me” left!”

I understood this, and didn’t understand it at the same time.  I understood the impossibility of it.

Me – “If I desire not having desires, I hit a brick wall.”

It has to happen by accident, just like anything in life.  You have to let it go before it actually comes to you.  Ayahuasca kept repeating this over and over to me.

But why?  How?

Without desire, we learn that we are in fact, the universe.  Without the “me” that separates us from it (our one true veil), we’re able to see reality and not delusion.

I read an article about a man who thought he was going to die.  He was at war, his shelter was about to get bombed.  He accepted death and in doing so, experienced moksha.  He saw his life flash before his eyes and with complete clarity, seen how and why he ended up at there at that exact point.  All his doing, all his choice, subconsciously his making.  He experienced himself as the universe – he unknowingly directed his path.

Desiring life is the biggest desire we can not overcome, no matter how suicidal.  The only way out of it is through acceptance, just as that man did when he accepted death.

We desire because we fear and our only one fear is that of death, all other fears stem from it.  We stop desiring when we stop being afraid to die.

Suicidal people have always fascinated me.  Any of us are free to kill ourselves anytime we want, no big deal.  Just opt out of this life.  You’ll be forgotten just like 99.99% of everyone else who ever lived, so why should it matter?  So if it doesn’t matter, why not live?  I mean, since we’re all going to die at some point anyway, why not ride it out to see what happens?

When I look at it from this view, suicide seems irrational, illogical.  It seems silly like a child throwing a tantrum.  I’ve always viewed it like this and I think that’s why I don’t take anything seriously because, well, who the fuck cares, right?  What does it matter?  I mean really.

Suicidal people have trouble accepting things.  When they try to control, fix, or change something, they only get themselves in deeper.  It’s karma.  When doing things out of fear, you dig yourself deeper.  Just like what happened with my business.

If we believe we can fix something, there wouldn’t be any fear of it.  We just do it and that’s that.  It’s a test, like Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey.  How far can you push yourself?  How much do you believe in yourself?  How far are you willing to go?

Finding your story is incredibly cathartic, I’ll save that for another post.  We should all know our story.

Anyway, where was I?

When I was just learning about this, I may have still been in high school, I don’t remember, but I thought if I purified my desires, I can be a good person.  If I kept my intentions at a healthy level of care and respect for others, I’ll be okay in life.  But then I dug deeper.  Why do I want to be good?  To be better than everyone else?  To obtain admiration?

It’s like organized religion.  Finding a way to one-up the next guy as a show of being more “tolerant” or more “forgiving” than any other organized belief system.  And it’s not even a belief system, not really.  People of organized religion don’t believe in god, they have faith in him and imo, faith ain’t worth shit.  That’s why I love the Jews.  They’re instructed to actually believe.

My saintly decision to be “good” was a sterile systematic approach to place myself higher than everyone else.  Like my shit don’t stink.  I was playing to the tune of my own organized religion.

That’s when I decided I had enough.  I stopped digging.  It was fruitless.  I hit a brick wall because of the impossibility of always having sheisty ulterior motives.  I couldn’t get over myself and my need to be the best, my need to control everything simply because I am the best/better than my counterparts.

Because as long as I was the best, I could control my level of fear.  I was emotionally stable because I was able to control my fear level and I did it through thinking that I was the best around.



It’s now the next day.  I had to end that post because I got a call from work telling me I had a client scheduled at 1:00 and it was already 1:10.  I stripped off my sweaty PJ’s, flung on pants and shirt and literally, I was there at work in 6 minutes flat.

Me – “I didn’t know I had a client.”

Employee – “She booked it this morning and I forgot to tell you.”

Me -“I’m still wearing yesterday’s underwear.”

Employee starts laughing.

My client, when she was laying on the massage table – “Do you do reiki?”

Me – “I don’t, I’m not much of a follower in it but I know a woman who does it.  She comes here and takes clients.  It’s the same price as a massage.”

Client – “That’s strange because I sense you’re more than a massage therapist.  There’s something about you.”

I swear to god, I’m not making this shit up.  She actually said that.

Me – “I’m a believer in other things.  I kind of suffer from out of body experiences.”

Client – “Me too!  This sounds weird but once I thought I was flying down a worm tunnel.”

Me – “Oh yeah, I went down a few of those too.”

Before I went in to massage her, I was feeling nuts.  I needed to feel normal again by talking to someone with similar experiences and guess what happened?  6 minutes later, I was massaging a lady who didn’t think I was crazy.

This is just one small example of how my thoughts been effecting things lately.

A few weeks ago, the toilet at work exploded.  Well, it didn’t explode, but the tank cracked right down the center and it happened at night when nobody was there.  So the damn thing was running for probably 8 hours before my employee walked in and seen the mess.  There was about 2 inches of water on the bathroom floor and it leaked into one of the massage rooms completely soaking it thru and thru.

I was at the eye doctor when this happened, sitting in the waiting room waiting to get called in.

Employee – “It’s flooded in here!  It’s a complete flood!”

I asked her to take pictures and send them to me, I asked if it smelled, if she can turn off the valve…etc.  I kept my shit together and called my Dad.  He just so happens to have a wet-vac.     We got everything cleaned up and next thing I knew, I was staring down the bowl of a brand new toilet.  I was praying for a new toilet!  The old one was stained and gross.

Me thinking – “I kind of want this thing to break.  How the hell can a toilet break though?”

If it broke, it would come out of my landlords pocket.  Not mine.

And that’s just what happened.  The day before the explosion, I scrubbed it clean and dropped one of those blue 1000 flushes in the tank wishing the damn thing would bust because it still looked dirty.

My esthetician, I prayed she’d get another job and last month she did just that.  Now she’s only here one day a week, if that.  But that’s hardly considered anything special since it was bound to happen.

I wished one of my therapists to work more so I wouldn’t have to rely on crazy Cara, and lo’ and behold…..

I wished Cara gave me a good reason to fire her, and she did.  She bitched out two of my employee’s before I fired her, which I didn’t even know about until yesterday.

I feel like if I don’t “need” something, if I don’t have a sticky attachment to whatever it is I’m griping about and instead just ride it out and soldier on, shit unfurls on its own.  But it’s happening expeditiously as of late.

I wrote my master plan, remember?  The one I took a picture of and posted?  Yeah well, part of the plan was to hire another therapist by October to help with those upgraded couples massages I want to sell again.  But it’s hard finding decent therapists to work as independent contractors.  Anyway, one of my IC’s is friends with an outstanding therapist who’s looking to move here and find a new job, can you guess which month?  October.  She’s going to start working here in October.  Just as I planned!

I can go on and on with this stuff…..the more I think about it, the more coincidences I can write about.  But I’ll stop here.

I just binge watched Orange is the New Black.  I watched 7 episodes all in one sitting, but I started watching it at 9:30 at night.  You can imagine what time it is now.  But it doesn’t matter.  In a few days I’ll be suffering from jet-lag.  I’m going to the forest festival in Anchorage to celebrate the fourth of July.  I leave on Wednesday and today is Monday morning.  Well, more like I leave tomorrow night, really really late tomorrow night.

I’m bringing my laptop, screw it.

Damn, what else did I want to write?

In my video game, The Witcher 3, there’s an old man sitting on the side of a trodden path that says, “Where’s your road wend?”


Damn, I want to write more about attachment and desire.  If I don’t write about it now, I’ll forget.  But I’m so freaking tired!

I’ll just write real quick that no, you can’t let go of all desire.  Not unless you devote your life to meditation or do psychedelics until moksha pours itself in to cement.  According to ayahuasca, it’s impossible to maintain this state for long.

But……you can let go of the things you can.  Even just a little bit of it, let it go.  And keep letting more go bit by bit.

Desire is not attachment, they come and go like cravings.  Attachment is when things get sticky.  The stuff that defines you and can’t live without.

Bit by bit, I’ve stripped myself of all fear about losing my business.  It’s not going to happen, not ever.  And that’s that.  And if it does, I start anew.  A tiring long road?  Possibly yes.  But it’s more tiring living in fear than it is to keep getting back up.

This is a state of mind that I trained for, it doesn’t come naturally or easy.  Severe worry and anxiety can break you into it.


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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts

“Atman is Brahman” and I Fired an Employee! All in todays topic of Melanieslifeonline

I’m beyond prostrated.  Debilitated, wasted, spent, and bleary-eyed.

I’ve been running around jagged this month and even got myself an exhaustion head cold.

Yesterday I fired an employee for driving me crazy.





That stuff she wrote about not being able to change her schedule is bullshit.  And I never picked up or stolen her hours – I don’t want to work!  I haven’t been on the schedule for probably a year now.  She is literally crazy and delusional and I mean that in kind, not being mean here.

It felt good firing her though, ain’t gonna lie.  She texted me every 5 minutes since she started working for me and honestly I’m surprised I let her stay for as long as I did.  She called one of my favorite clients evil!  She openly admitted to stealing from her other job!  Not to mention clients don’t like her, my employee’s don’t like her.

She’s an indépendant contractor, so I don’t have to worry about any repercussions.

Today is my first day off in what feels like forever.  A day off where I have nothing planned.  A day off where I don’t have paperwork or “to do” lists.  These are the days I live for and hopefully in time, will be all that is left.

I’ve been sitting on a blog post for a while now.  One that I wanted to write about so bad but couldn’t find the time.

After I ate that psychedelic taffy, I went on a hippie forum to investigate other people’s experience with the “oneness” and read a post from a man who mentioned “Atman is Brahman.”

It’s Hindu, of course.  The closest religion to truth.

Atman is another word for soul.  We all have an Atman including animals and plants.

Brahman is “world soul” or “cosmic soul.”  Basically, what we think God is.  It is timeless, eternal, omniscient, and controls the show.

Hindu’s believe that Atman is Brahman.  They are indistinguishable.  But our individual selves can be sheathed in a veil, one that see’s hatred, envy, and fear.  We separate ourselves from the divine, and not the other way around.  Most organized religions separate us from the divine as a way to label and judge lesser people, or “evil” people.  Without those evil people, saints wouldn’t exist.  And without that separation, religions would be less permissible to kill for their beliefs.

The Us vs Them mentality makes us feel united and protected in an extended family of peers that share the same belief.  To stave off feeling alone and meaningless.

But with Hindu, they greet others with Namaste which means “the divine in me recognized the divine in you.”

My grandpa used to live in a cottage in Rhode Island and his neighbors are basically like family to us.  One of his neighbors has a son that my brother hung out with yesterday.  This man has DMT, the god molecule or whatever they’re calling it.  He smoked it and was taken out of his body (the son, not my brother).  But I think this is my next step into learning more.  I need to meet this guy.  According to my bro, me and him make a good match.  The guy sounds exactly like me.

I’m not looking to date, but I’m definitely interested in what he’s peddling.

“Atman is Brahman” is exactly what I experienced with the taffy.  I always intuitively known it to be true, but this was the first time I really understood it.  On an experience kind of level.

Why is all this stuff important to me?  I’ve always searched for answers since I was a kid and never understood how anyone can go about their lives, living day to day without knowing what the point is.

Me as a child – “You work and live in a box with other people working and living in boxes next to you.  Why?  Don’t you care why?”

It scared me that they didn’t care.  I understood that they were just too busy to care.  I promised myself at a young age to never get trapped.  I know it sounds like bullshit, but I swear to the gods that I remember it like yesterday.  “Never get trapped Mel, don’t become them.”

Okay, enough on that.  Explaining to you why I am how I am is not important and makes for a shitty read.


I love superpositions!  I first learned about them when I was 18 and attempted to read “An Elegant Universe” by Brian Green.  I had to read it over and over again because my brain couldn’t comprehend it.

Basically, any subatomic particle such as photons, electrons and atoms, exist in a superposition state until they are witnessed.  The “witnessing” is called Decoherence.  And Superposition means to exist in all possible infinite locations at the same time.

Basically the world acts crazy while you’re not watching it but as soon as you turn around to look, it goes back to normal.  Like the toys in Toy Story 2.

Is it only human conscious that can decohere particles or can machines do it to?  Apparently machines can also do it, which means our world can still exist if the AI’s in Battlestar Gallactica win.  Physical reality won’t disintegrate and fly off into space as long as machines are here to decohere the subatomic particles.

Which makes me wonder, if Atman really is Brahman, how can machines possess our unique ability to measure the unmeasurable?  Shouldn’t that just be the Atman’s job?  Or should we factor in the superposition of time itself?  If time is superimposed, maybe it knew we were watching the whole time, or will watch it?

Or we can approach this a bit more scientifically and note that these machines, in order to detect and measure a superimposed particle, has to bounce photons off the wave particle thereby breaking down its wave function and rendering it to particle form.  So, both humans and machines can decohere probable objects into spacetime reality.

There’s another cool example about superpositioned particles…..

If you have two identical particles that were nurtured in identical environments and then try to measure them, they won’t be identical anymore.  Because they existed in the smeared superposition world of empty possibilities, when measured, they were forced to become, to “choose”(if you will), one thing to be.  Even though they should’ve been identical, they weren’t.  They had to make a choice to become something.

Which enforces my theorem of all of us having a choice.  We are not a product of our environment.  But if subatomic particles can choose to be something, than is there a limit on what can possess an atman?  Can individual subatomic particles also contain their very own atman?  Albeit tiny and obscure?  If so, why?

It’s like looking into a fractal, you know?  There’s the Brahman, the big guy, then when you zoom in and keep going down and down, you see all the little facets getting smaller and smaller, never ending.  It that the Atman?  Never ending?  If so, where am I?  Is it like a pyramid scheme?  All the little subatomic Atmans obeying me?  Not being in existence without me viewing them?  But then again, I wouldn’t be in existence without them either.  If this really is a fractal world we’re in, I’m made up of those tiny Atmans.

It’s fun to think about this stuff on my day off.  But I’m running out of steam and thinking about grabbing something to eat and spending the rest of the day in front of my video game.

But I do have to say, particles and waves are like people.  Particle people see what’s there while wave people see the possibilities.  Hokey?  Yeah, I thought so too.  But if you combine the two, magic happens.

I thought up an excellent idea for a new book.  It’s called “When God Visits a Shrink…”  It’s about a regular guy who goes to a shrink after winning the lotto because he’s suffering from delusions of grandeur and is scared that his thoughts alone can wreak havoc on the world.  He’s becoming paranoid and panicked.  He’s diagnosed with solipsism syndrome, but as the story progresses, I’ll include all my philosophical idea’s that I learned from ayahuasca and the pot taffy.  And it’ll read like one of my debates with Rational Brain.

There’s an old iconic philosopher, I forgot who, Socrates or Plato or one of them guys, who said the best way into philosophizing is through debate.  The best idea’s are brought forth in a question and answer format.  The idea of God going to a shrink is the perfect scenario for one of these types of discussions!  I’m really juiced up about it.

My parents just came home.  It’s 4PM and I’m laying in bed in my pajama’s.  They brought home chicken.  Yum chicken!  I haven’t eaten all day.

Anyway, Trat Tvam Asi and all that jazz, I really need to zone for the rest of the day with my big bucket of chicken and game controller.

At first I was curious.  Curious to know more about reality and why we’re here, but now I’m just trying to get one up on the universe, you know?  Now that I got a glimpse of it.  If I had more days like this, once I get my fill of relaxing and laying about, and write my fill of the garbage that’s in my head – I want to one up the universe.  Experience a little slice of magic.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant

Out of Fear Arises Love

I’m farting around on the internet trying to find others who’ve experienced the “oneness” I felt while tripping on pot taffy a few days ago, and I stumbled on Ram Dass’s article The Entrance to Oneness.

I skimmed it, but it doesn’t come close to what I experienced.  It explains none of it.  He talks about unconditional love, which I experienced while I had a semi-lucid nap at my old stink hole office laying on top of my massage table and yeah, he’s right on that.  But what about the shared soul?  What about all of us being God?

The thing about love is, we love because we fear.  We wouldn’t have any need for love if fear didn’t exist.

This is from one of my taffy insights (read last post).

It’s a cycle really, a loop.

When we fear something, like an infant, we cling to what will protect us.  And because we depend on and believe in the thing protecting us, we love it.  We need it.  The more we fear, the more we love.

I should say, the more we fear, the more we need love.  And if no one loves you, you love no one because it’s not reciprocated.  Because you get nothing from it.  But you still want to be loved, you just don’t know what it is.  Ram Dass talks about this, but I gleaned over the article so maybe I got it wrong, I don’t know.

But anyway, love is just as much an illusion as fear itself.  They are two opposing sides of the same coin.


When you experience “oneness”, it’s like there’s no need for love or fear.  Everything is exactly as it should be.  It all fits.  Evil is only unawareness, unbelieving. It’s the glass cup I wrote about in my last post.

The closest I ever came to god’s presence was when I was 18 years old and had an out of body experience where I ended up surrounded by white light.  The light didn’t originate from anywhere, it wasn’t brighter in one spot and dark in another, it was like I was standing inside a blank screen like what happened to Neo in the Matrix, only it wasn’t blank.  It was light.  So hard to explain this light!

And what I felt wasn’t love.  I felt an incredible power, so overwhelmingly intimidating that I had no choice but to capitulate to it.  Resistance was futile.

Aside from that….

For me personally, love is protection.  The more I love someone, the more I want to protect them.  I want to protect them so they don’t feel alone which means in some weird roundabout way, I too want to be protected.  As a defense against loneliness.  It’s a subconscious belief.  A belief engrained in me from having good parents.

If someone causes me harm, a close friend for instance, out of spite or jealousy or just to enjoy seeing me suffer, to gain power and control over me, I feel like that person doesn’t love me.  I can’t wrap my head around it.  Why would they do that?


So to me, love equates to protection.  But it’s not just me, I witnessed this in many of the guys I dated.  Many of them had this feeling also, that they had to protect me somehow.  I guess it’s instinct?  Of course it’s instinct.  Even the guys I don’t date feel the need to protect me.  And yes, I do enjoy it.

But some guys don’t have this instinct.  It’s more like the opposite, they want to protect themselves.


Is love the same as trust?  No, I don’t think so.  You can love a little kid, but not trust them.  But I wrote a while back that you can’t love anyone unless you trust yourself.  Which is totally true and I still stand by it, but I’m not getting into that again.

Love is needed to defeat fear, but once you become dependent on it, once you feel that you can’t live without it or face the world alone, that’s when fear swallows you back up.  More so than if you never knew love at all.  The bigger they are, the harder they fall sort of thing.

That’s why it’s important for me to write.  So I can always remember.  That’s why I did ayahuasca, smoked a little herb.  To loosen this attachment to love since all things are impermanent.  And to be able to stand alone.  It’s basically been my life’s mission to be strong enough to stand alone, without a life raft or the veils to shield me.

I’m definitely not there yet.  But once I am, I’ll settle down (maybe).

If I don’t need love, I can give it more freely.  Like the unconditional kind of love that Ram Dass talks about.  For me personally, it’ll always come in the form of protection.

Oh shit, I completely missed the point of why I wanted to write this post.  It’s about that Ram Dass article.  He told a story of how being in the presence of his teacher, Maharaj-ji, he felt nothing but pure love.  Not just him, but everyone surrounding him felt his love.

According to my psychedelic taffy insight, there is no truth.  To be more specific, “the only truth is that there is no truth”.  Maharaj-ji beliefs were so over-powering, that he psychically altered his students mind-states with his own.  He created his truth, which happens to obliterate all fear so others can see clearly.

It’s not about love, it’s about the absence of fear.  It reminds me of a post I written a while back, There Is No Snake.

Since we are all connected, all one, all gee-oh-dee, we are the creators of this world so who ever has the strongest belief, can influence change.  It’s not about faith, it’s about actual belief. Feeling, not thinking.  Definitely not thinking.

Oh god it’s late….Or should I say, “Oh me it’s late.”  Or, “Oh you it’s late?”

Instead of saying “Oh my god”, we should say, “Oh my us.”

Shit, I’m really losing my mind now.

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Psychedelics and Awakening

I went to a party last weekend on my friends farm.  She had a groovy band play, hula hoops, and any drug I wanted.

A girl I knew was handing out her homemade pot taffy.

Her – “Smell this shit man, go on smell it!  Incredible right?”

She shoved her taffy under my nose, her eyes half baked.  She was sitting on the ground cross-legged in front of me.  Five minutes later, she was incapacitated.

Me – “I think I’ll save it for later.”

Her – “Don’t eat it all at once!  Don’t do it!”

I grabbed it and stashed it for later.

Later came last night.

I ate the whole thing, naturally.  It was just a little strip of the stuff, so how was I supposed to know?  The girl who made it could’ve been incapacitated from the bottle of whiskey that never left her hand, not a silly little strip of taffy?

It was the taffy.  Definitely the taffy.

I ate it around 10PM last night and I was tripping balls up until 6AM this morning.  I ate it to help me sleep!

I looked at the clock and thought to myself – “It’s been almost two hours, I guess this stuff’s not going to work.”

I shrugged my shoulders and got ready to call it a night, but then it hit me.  Seconds after saying it wasn’t working, it started.

I didn’t want to turn the tv off, it was the only thing holding my brain together.

My muscle’s twitched, I was feeling coldness in my chest.  I covered my head with my pillow, I don’t know why but I thought it would help shut up my thoughts.

Me – “I’m going to die tonight.  I can’t believe that I’m going to die from a little strip of taffy!”

I could barely move.  I definitely couldn’t walk.  I reached for my phone to search how to come down from a pot high – this action took everything I had in me to execute.

And my searched results came up:


The article in the middle is what helped me.  I wasn’t going to die.  It sure felt like I was dying, but I wasn’t.  I kept this thought in my head.

Everything became mucky, I couldn’t think.  I felt like I was in a heavy skin sack.  Every thought, sensation, light, sound, was amplified inside my concrete skin sack.

I tried watching the show again, Humans, on Amazon prime.  It’s pretty good.  It helped me focus.

My jaw was tightening, my chin moving around every which way.  All my thoughts globbed into one sinister, evil, pulsating creature.

Me thinking – “How can I be so afraid?  After everything thats happened to me, how can I still be afraid?”

I knew it was fear causing my distress, but I didn’t know how to stop it.  My rational brain was no match for it.

Then my show stopped playing.  I was short bandwidth.

Me thinking – “Oh god my brain will explode without that show!”

But I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t do anything about it.  My legs wouldn’t work.

I started staring at a poster on my wall.  I bought a poster from an artist a few years ago at the Vibes.


I started seeing images in that poster that aren’t there.  Perfect images of faces, changing expressions depending on what I wanted to see.  Whatever image I wanted to see, I simply had to look for it and it manifested itself perfectly.  Dogs, cats, a benevolent loving face.  And when I wanted to see a demon, there he was horns and all, but he wasn’t frightening.

That’s when it hit me; I have full control.  I can see demons or angels, it’s my choice.  I realized that fear is what stops us from seeing clearly.  Fear stops us from thinking clearly and taking control.

An image popped in my head of a tall glass cup.  Inside this glass cup were demons, boiling water, scary thoughts and images.  Everything agitating.  The only way anyone can escape it is  to not be afraid of it.  I didn’t need to be afraid of it because I was in control.  The people who aren’t in control, float to the bottom.

Once I was out of the glass cup, I was back in my ayahuasca enlightenment trance.  It was very similar to when I did ayahuasca, only not as “clean”.  I was once again connected to infinite knowledge, but I was being dragged through the dirt.  There was no purging like with ayahuasca, so that has something to do with it.  All the junk was still in me.  And I wasn’t blessed by anyone, my room wasn’t blessed, the woman who made the taffy didn’t bless it first.

The sole purpose to bless something is to rid it of fear.  The smoke is symbolic.  It doesn’t matter if you’re burning sage, a candle, different types of incense, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is the person who does the blessing.  This is from an insight I had from the taffy.

I was having a spiritual experience unprotected.  My thoughts and demons kept clawing at me, distracting me, pulling my focus away.  But I kept remembering about my painting.  How I can choose.

I learned even MORE from this experience than I did with ayahuasca.  Maybe not more, but I dove even deeper into the mysteries of life.  And how we are all connected.

Everything from my ayahuasca experience was relived.  It was reintroduced to me.  Only this time around, more was revealed.  This time, I was able to experience “oneness”.

If there is a god, he’s not looking at us.  Because if he were to look at us, even for a quick glance, we’d have no free will.  He’s that powerful.  Whatever he’s expecting to see while looking at us, he will see.  Simply because he’s god.  Like an egg incubating.  He’s not to touch or look at us until we reach maturity, otherwise there would be mass hysteria.

“Whose ever belief is strongest.  Whose ever belief is strongest.”

That kept repeating in my head.  Like an ending to a prayer, or a mantra.  It means that anything is possible as long as you believe it’s possible.  But since we are all connected, whoever has the stronger belief wins the pot (no pun).  It’s very important to stand up for yourself when faced with darkness and fear, other peoples or your own.

You are challenged by your own fears.  They manifest as opponents or obstacles.  People who don’t see your potential, who don’t believe in you.  Spontaneous bad luck events.  They are manifestations of your own fears and these people (or events) are blessings in disguise.  They are key players in your life.

It’s like you’re sitting at the bottom of the demon glass cup.  These people who don’t believe in you, or obstacles causing you pain, are the keys to getting yourself out of the cup.  It’s just that nobody wants to leave it because it’s easier to sit there and stew rather than it is to face your fears.  And these people and events are only happening because of your fear.  Your inability to accept them.

“Whose ever belief is strongest.”

Me – “How do I believe in myself?”

Taffy – “You must know yourself.”

Nothing is real.  The only truth is that there is no truth.  What I see and believe, is not the same as what someone else see’s and believes.  And all of it’s true.  Everyone is correct and because nobody is wrong, there is no truth.

About the “oneness”…….

Oneness means that there is no God, it’s just you and me orchestrating everything.  Because if there were a god, there wouldn’t be oneness.  Having a god implies that he’s separate from us, so how can everything be “one”?

So again, just like ayahuasca, the taffy told me that there is a god, but no god.

My ayahuasca trip taught me that we are here to evolve, the taffy taught me we’re evolving towards unity.  Why?  I don’t know.

We are all god, all the same person.  Just with different life experiences, different brain chemistries and heredity.  But if I was born a different person, let’s say I was born Gandhi, I wouldn’t be me, I would actually be Gandhi.  We are all the same soul is what I’m trying to say.  There is no “Me”, just my unique DNA coding and life experiences.

I’ll finish this post tomorrow….I’m exhausted.

It’s now the next day.

I’m not saying that we don’t all have individual souls, because we do.  I actually seen mine when I had my OBE in my bedroom.  It’s just that the stuff my soul is made from, is the same stuff your soul is made from.  It’s the same stuff, the same soul.

And once you get out of the demon glass, answers start pouring in.

When I was tripping balls, I learned how alone all of us really are.  Since we all play off each other, fears are reflected, projected, manifested, the most fearful of us can infect the most loving of us and there’s no higher power to break-up the party.  No god or over-seer of authority to smooth everything out and keep us in check.  To keep us behaved and disciplined.

Our moral compass is there for survival purposes, and not a loving gift from god, but years of evolution to create.

We are utterly alone.  One massive soul body, fractured to pieces at war with itself.  If I was born an ISIS, I would be an ISIS.  There’s nothing special about my soul that differs from a member of ISIS.

Me – “It’s so simple, how can no one else see it?!”  (said to myself while tripping balls).

Anyway, when I realized how alone we all are, I started to plummet into the void.  Into the darkness of no purpose and no hope.  I had to remember my poster on the wall, we have a choice, fear is the illusion.

But it was perfectly clear to me at the time I was tripping, that one persons belief can affect others even if no words are uttered.  That’s how connected we are.  We can feel what’s happening to friends and family from across the world if we really tune in.

But then again, the only truth is that there is no truth.  The only truth is what you believe.  At least, that’s the rule of thumb in this limited dimension we’re in.

We create what we see and there’s nothing but potential, no truth.

Oh well, my game literally just finished downloading.  I bought the expansion, Hearts of Stone, for the Witcher 3.

Will I ever eat the taffy again?  Yeah, probably.

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A Day Off…..Finally

Today marks the first day off I had in a very long time since I started selling Groupons again.  I have about 50 more to sell, and we already redeemed 112 or so out of 300 which puts me in an excellent position financially for not only paying off one of my whopper loan debts, but for the end of next month when my employee’s get paid 3 times instead of two.

I have in all truth and honesty, saved my business.  You’d know what I’m talking about if you saw my bank account a few months ago which contained a meager $200.

My mind is blown, totally.  How the hell, wha…..200 &*% dollars?!!  How did I remain so calm?

I managed to pay off $12,000 in the course of these last 2 months and that one loan that automatically takes out $54.50 out of my checking account EVERY DAY is no more.  Which means I can now survive even without the help of groupon.

I am officially out of hot water, but the pots still boiling.  A slow simmer is where I’m at.  With my debt I mean.  There’s still quite a bit of it left to pay off and Groupon checks will stop coming once those last 50 couples massages are sold.

Here’s my plan:


Okay, so I didn’t go to business planning school, but this can work.  I showed it to Dave.

Dave – “It looks like you put a lot of thought into it.”

Me – “I sure did!”

Dave – “What’s that you’re watching in the background?”

Me – “I bought the Back to the Future video game when I was at the mall getting my phone fixed.”

I dropped my phone not once, but twice in one night.  It was my first screen shatter in the 6 or 7 years I owned an iPhone.  I don’t even believe in having a case for it.

It was also the same night I got shit-faced, pierced my eyebrow horizontally and ended up at a bar in New Haven where the younger brother of a Melanie Hater bartends.  His older sister hates me, but he always had a crush on me and now wants to hang out.

I always had a crush on him too which I never told a soul because he was my friends younger brother, but none of that matters anymore.

Life is crazy.  I mean it’s freaky crazy, you know?

Aside from all that, I just bought the digital Back to the Future movie on Amazon and I’m watching it now because I just beat the game.

I can feel myself getting fatter as I lay here wiping ice-cream cone from the sides of my mouth.

I tried that 10-day “fast” and it worked for the most part.  Once I got through the first two days, it was actually really easy.  I felt full just with the shakes and salad for dinner but I stopped at day 7 because mom made delicious fish and I didn’t feel like going to the salad bar in Stop & Shop that evening.

Last time I was at Stop & Shop, I ran into that woman, the mouse woman from my last post.  The super weird woman that stared at me and wiggled around during her massage.  I stopped dead in my tracks, my eyes wide with fright, she was looking directly at me and I bolted down the beer isle.  I’m not embellishing any of this, it was like something out of a cliche sitcom.  I grabbed a six-pack, any six-pack, and ran for the register.  There she was again!  I turned and read a magazine on the rack.

I probably won’t be seeing the younger brother anytime soon.  Even if I tell him we’re just going to be friends and hang out once a week on our shared day off, things will get messy and overloaded with drama and I’ll most likely be gunned down by his sister.  I’ll probably be gunned down now for even writing about it.

My younger, happy-go-lucky self would’ve been like, yeah let’s do something fun!  But my old, 36-year old self is too tired and worn out from all that non-sense.  It’s too much trouble, not worth the grief.  Too heart wrenching.

Live quietly Mel, tread lightly.

Today was my one day off in like, forever.  And I chose to spend it with my parents at a new Chinese buffet that had just opened up, then finish playing the rest of my video game, and now I’m watching the 1985 version of said video game.  And you know what?  I’m loving it!  If I had more days like this, I’d start exercising again.  If only…..

Life is quiet and good.  I’m just going to keep my head down and focus on my plan.  Eye on the prize.  This is my penance from all the poor choices I made through-out the life of this blog, and I have to trudge through it with dignity like the Camino taught me to do.

As long as I have a purpose, I have dignity.

That’s about all the Camino taught me, well, that and I’m severely determined at all costs and I miss my bed more than anyone or anything.

I want to write one of my stream of conscious posts that involves Rational Brain.  I want it to be about the difference between pride and dignity, or pride verses honor would be better.

How it’s okay to be honorable, but not okay to be prideful.

Rational Brain – “The honorable man puts aside his feelings for the greater good, a prideful person keeps them.”

Me – “What about dignity and pride?”

Rational Brain – “The dignified person believes in his cause even if it means sacrifice.  A prideful person believes in only what they can gain from it.”

Me – “What about being proud?  Isn’t pride and being proud the same thing?”

Rational Brain – “You can be proud of yourself for a job well done, or proud of your children, but it’s the self-righteous (superiority) kind of pride that blinds people.”

Where the hell do you get this stuff from?

Rational Brain – “I got that last little bit from Google, the pride verses proud question.  It was the semantics that tripped me up.  The rest of it I pulled out of our ass.”

Me – “I miss our talks.”

Rational Brain – “Well then finish up your walk of shame and let’s get cracking again!  I’m not going anywhere.”

Me – “What about my weight gain?  Is it prideful to want to lose the weight?”

Rational Brain – “It’s prideful if you’re losing weight for other people and not for yourself.  It’s honorable if you’re doing it to honor your body, your health, and your self.”

Me – “Uh huh.”

Rational Brain – “Always remember your purpose.  Everything you do should have a conscious purpose.  Otherwise you eat your emotions.  There is no dignity in gluttony, no purpose.”

Me – “But with that kind of attitude, wouldn’t that cause me to judge others for their life choices?”

Rational Brain – “Only if you’re being prideful.  You dishonor others when you dishonor yourself and you dishonor yourself if your purpose lies with prideful superficial perceptions, letting other people’s beliefs control your own.”

Me – “But you just said there is no dignity in gluttony?!  How can I not see that when I look at a fat person?”

Rational Brain – “Have you ever judged a fat person before?  When you were thin?”

Me – “No.  I saw them as just a regular person, no different from me.”

Rational Brain – “You’re reflecting your own fears on them.  It’s all in your head.  You are projecting.  What wasn’t there before, is here now, why?  Because you’re afraid it will happen to you.”

Me – “Shit…..”

Rational Brain – “You’re too prideful right now to lose weight.  You’re not seeing reality.”

Me – “What’s the reality?”

Rational Brain – “Your assumptions are an illusion.  A heart attack is real.  As long as you’re prideful, you’ll never lose weight.  It’s karma, remember?  Your fears WILL happen.”

Me – “Okay okay, I should freaking sleep.”

Rational Brain – “Good talk.”

Me – “So wait, are you saying that pride is fear?”

Rational Brain – “What do you feel it means in your heart?”

Me – “That it’s fear.  It’s holding on.”

Rational Brain – “And pride will hold the weight on you until you can let it go.”

Me – “Until I stop judging myself and others.”

Rational Brain – “Exactly.”

Me – “No no no, that’s wrong!  Whenever I see a morbidly obese person, that makes me get in gear to exercise!”

Rational Brain – “Ugh, why won’t you shut up already?!”

Me – “It’s true!”

Rational Brain – “Maybe that acts as a trigger, an inspiration – a way to conquer your fear instead of succumbing to it or stressing about it, it helps you make a choice.”

Me – “But I’m judging them while I do it…..”

Rational Brain – “I can’t do this with you tonight.  I’m really tired.  You are an incorrigible mess!”

Me – “………”

Rational Brain – “There’s no light without dark, no happy without sad, no wet without dry……You see the opposite of what you want, so it pushes you to change.  Do you judge the darkness?  The sadness?  The dryness?  Or just see it for what it is?  The opposite of what you want?”

Me – “I am incorrigible.”

Rational Brain – “You need to understand that judging or placing blame comes from a place of superiority.  When you feel superior to someone else.  Is that what you feel when you look at a morbidly obese person?”

Me – “Not exactly….or, er, I don’t know.

Rational Brain – “Okay, well I’m done for tonight.  I mean it now.  You’re prideful and scared of buying new fat pants because you’re too cheap and can’t let go of the past.”

Me – “Now you’re just being mean.”

Me – “You have to fix this!  Tell me what to do!”

Me – “Okay, now you’re ignoring me.”

Me – “Srysly?”

Rational Brain – “Oh my God shut the fuck up!  You want my advice?  Eat less, exercise more.  For fucksake….”



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Melanie’s Religious Tirade

I received a handwritten letter in the mail today from a Jehovah’s Witness that was personally addressed to me.  They also threw in their Watchtower pamphlet about honesty.

Many people’s first reaction to Jehovah’s witness propaganda is an eye roll and a polite “no thanks.”  We don’t even think about it.  Unless you’re depressed enough to want to seek answers from an outside source.  From a faith that actually cared enough to reach out in the first place.

These people don’t get paid to mail letters or go door to door.  I mean let’s cut them some slack, they’re not so bad.  They’re especially not so bad since each one of them know’s for a fact that God will only choose 144,000 of them to join him in heaven and here they are at your door, ruining their odds of salvation if you choose to convert.

Receiving a letter that isn’t a bill, a coupon, a credit card offer…etc, well, it’s kind of refreshing.  It’s nice getting a letter from a complete stranger who wants no money or response from me what-so-ever.  They just want me to read the pamphlet and feel better.

Okay, so I didn’t actually read the pamphlet, but maybe I’ll get around to it.  I’ll stick it in the bathroom where I take my holy shits.

But what if every religion did that?  Went door to door?

Mormon’s would arrive at your door and say, “join us, we believe dark skinned people are dark because they’re being punished by God!”

Catholic’s would come to your door and say, “Join us where there are no gays, premarital sex, and no abortions or STD protection!”

Muslims will ring your bell and say, “Your religion is punishable by death, so join us.”

With Jehovah’s witness it’s, “Join us because all other religions are demonically inspired!  But you can’t receive blood transfusions, vote, or judge anyone guilty in the court of law.”

I’m trying to find something bad on Judaism but it’s not there.  Rabbi’s even preform same-sex marriages, believe in condoms, they can marry and have kids, marijuana is kosher, and the best one of all is they want all Jew’s to believe in God using their heads, not their hearts.  They are against blind faith and want you to believe in God due to evidence and rational thought which is something ayahuasca told me and it’s super important.

I always liked their religion, but Hinduism is still in my top spot.  It can be traced back to circa 10000 B.C!  Compare that to 1400 B.C for Judaism….pff, small potato’s.  Just kidding.

Jehovah’s believe Jesus was God’s son, and not God himself.  While Catholics/Christians on the other hand, believe they are the same man.

Ayahuasca told me that we’re all God’s children and we are all equal to him.  We’re equal to him because we ARE him.  So according to ayahuasca, Jehovah’s and Christians are both correct if you combine the two.  Maybe if we combine all the religions together, we’ll find absolute truth?

Believing in a religion and preaching about it reminds me of those ormus people from my last post.  The people who believe ormus will bring them enlightenment or superpowers.  They get transfixed on it and once you’re transfixed, other people will think you crazy.  Especially if what you’re spouting is metaphysical whimsy.

I know exactly what it’s like to be transfixed.  It’s a spell and an odd form of denial.  In fact, I’m probably transfixing right now which will lead me to embarrassment when I read this post later.  It happens to everyone once they snap out of it.

We’re naturally inclined towards transfixing because it gives us structure, something to hold onto and base our perspectives on.  It’s an addiction, really.  You can tell it’s an addiction because you’ll need to replace it quickly with another addiction if it fails you.  If you don’t replace it, there won’t be any reason to live or at least, live happily (depending on the severity of your addiction).

Everyone’s transfixed on something or other.  And most people are ready to stand up to defend their belief system because their ego depends on it for survival.

The best way to learn something is by teaching it.  When I was younger and learning something new, I always pretended like I was teaching it to my imaginary friend.  So if you’re transfixed and compelled to share with people, you’re really just sharing it in order to teach it over again to yourself.  A way to construct your own acropolis, your own belief system.  By telling others, you make it more real and fortify its defenses.

Oh man I’m freaking tired.  I had a long day, sorta.

But anyway, when I write my book, I want to include my own religion into it.  Make it cohesive and 3 dimensional.  I want to sift out all the truths in all the religions and put them together in one united system of belief.  I’ll try to do this with the least amount of transfixing as possible.

That sounds like fun to me.

And of course time travel.  I can’t forget to include time travel in my book.

And to never take anything seriously, or believe in anything that isn’t empirical rational thought, and to always have a case of beer in your car just in case.

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Thoughts about Time Travel

There are too many paradoxes for it to be even remotely feasible.  The first and foremost is the Grandfather paradox.  The Grandfather paradox states that if you were to travel back in time to kill your grandfather before he meets your grandmother, than you’d never be born.  But if you were never born, you’d never be able to go back in time to kill your grandfather and thus, your grandfather lives and meets your grandmother and you will be born after-all.

I discovered my own time traveling paradox when I watched the first Terminator movie.

John Conner ordered one of his sergeants (or whoever he was) to travel back in time to stop the terminator from killing his mother.  However, the man who traveled back in time ends up falling in love with John’s mother, has sex with her, and it turned out that he was John Conner’s father all along.  The man that John Conner sent back in time was his father.

This didn’t sit right with my addled 15-year old head that never slept (I had horrible insomnia).

Me – “If John Conner never sent that man back in time, John never would have been born.  But that man from the future was only sent back because John order him to, but John shouldn’t have existed in the first place since there would be no John ever in existence!”

If you go back in time to fix a mistake in the past, and you succeed at fixing it, than there would be no reason for you to go back in the first place because none of it ever happened.  And if none of it ever happened, the time traveler will go back to their present time and see another version of themselves, one that never traveled back in time because there was no need for it.  Just like the mistakes that happened in the past which are now nonexistent, the time-traveler becomes also, nonexistent.

Anyway, whether you understand it or not, it’s impossible.  And scientifically speaking, time and speed are synonymous and nothing can travel faster than light (aka time).  If you were to hold a flashlight and shine it up into space, and your friend who also has a flashlight shining into space but is also riding a rocket going 99% the speed of light, his flashlight would still go the same speed as yours.  Even though he’s shining it from a ridiculously fast rocket.  Why is this?  Because time slows down for your rocket friend, but stays the same for you.  But time can never stop (because we can’t catch up to it) and it especially can’t go in reverse.

The light barrier is impenetrable, whereas the sound barrier is not.

Why does that big boom happen when you break the sound barrier?  It happens when an object flies faster than the speed it takes for sound waves to get out of the way.  The sound waves can’t dissipate like ripples on a pond, and instead they mass together to create one big boom.  When a boat travels faster than the speed of water getting out of the way, one big wave is created.

But what happens with time?  If you go faster than time, do you create one big time?  How does that work?


I thought of a way to make time travel work!  At least in a story, not in real life (but it’s possible!).  It by-passes all the paradoxes.

I found a loophole!  Not just any loophole, but the mother of all loopholes.

I can’t write about it in my blog.  It’s just too good.  Too rich.  It doesn’t matter if I only get 6 hits a day, I’m not risking it.  I’m telling you it’s a whopper of an idea.

Imagine a time travel story that actually makes sense…..just imagine the possibilities!

I’ll start working on it as soon as I’m done moving the business.  After that, I’ll have time.  Gobs of time.

I found an old story that I was working on while I was in my little stink hole office.  I re-read it and actually liked it.  Why did I stop writing it?  Maybe I should finish that one first.  Sort of like a prep story to get my gaskets going before attempting my masterpiece.

In any good story, I feel that it’s good because I can easily visualize it in my head.  It has a natural flow to it.  Words should never get in the way of the imagery.  They should describe the imagery, not direct it, but describe.  Kind of like the story finding you sort of thing.

But anyway, it’s Christmas.  It was a lovely Christmas.  Freaking 65 degree’s and sunny apocalyptic kind of Christmas but who’s scared?  I’m not scared.  Who said anything about being scared?

I did have a nice Christmas.  I’m supposed to be at a friends party tonight, but I stayed home instead because that’s what losers do.  They stay home and blog about time travel.  It’s crazy because a guy I’m crushing on was going to be there.  I’m playing so hard to get that even I don’t get me.

Eye on the prize.  Move my business, make money, write my book and travel.  First comes me.  I have to look out for number 1.  And honestly, getting this shit out of my head has always been top priority.



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Conscious Speech

The first step into speaking mindfully is to not get emotionally attached to your, well, emotions.

Can’t be done?  Think of it like this; you can spread your emotional marmalade all over a crispy cracker, but you don’t have to actually eat the cracker.

I’m listening to my meditation audiobook and it’s telling me not to get emotionally involved with what my brain is doing.  Eating crackers was the best analogy I came up with.

See it but don’t indulge – don’t satisfy your craving for emotionally charged hormones because that’s all they really are, a way to get your fix.

And boom, you’re in control.  You’re out of the loop.  As long as you let yourself experience the emotional marmalade without seeking answers to fix them, you’ve dislodged yourself from being controlled by them.

The second thing you must do is to realize that nothing is ever about you.  Don’t think of yourself while conversing or confronting, aka, eating the cracker (see first step).  The minute you start indulging in yourself and your “entitled” needs is the precise time you lose conscious, meaningful speech (and thought).

It’s not about you, it’s about the whole.

Always think about the other person or people.  And in doing so, you end up creating exactly who you want to be.  And you become a conscious person not being controlled by emotional needs.  You can see past yourself.

When people tell you to “just be yourself,” conscious thought brings you to this.  To just be yourself means to see past yourself and realize there is no “you”, only the you you want to be.

This involves knowing who you’re not.  It’s not about knowing who you are, but knowing what kind of person you’re not.

There’s actually a name for this.  A few religions include the art of subtraction in their teachings.  Christians call it Via Negative, the negative path.  In Hindu they call it Neti-neti which means “not this, not that.”

I know all this because I lived it.  I taken myself out of the equation and focused all of my attention/empathy on the person I was speaking with.  And the art of subtraction, I learned that on my own in high school when I came to the conclusion that there is no “me”, no set personality.  I had to subtract in order to define.

I was seeing past myself for a very long time until my crazy aunt and OCD cousin moved in, I ran into some trouble, financially and emotionally – I felt trapped and I lost myself.  I indulged on eating those emotional marmalade crackers until my teeth rotted out in my dreams.

When you’re in the hole, you become scared and cling to comfort.  You avoid truth.  You indulge in addictions which includes eating the crackers, trying to find reason where there is none.  Addictions let you escape confronting and accepting emotions.  Talking non-stop, not being present, is as much of an escape (addiction) as heroine.

To sum it up, the only thing you must do in order to be the sun, the gravity in the room, is to see past yourself.  If you do this properly, you’ll witness true reality and see first hand that it’s really not about you.  This can be achieved with conscious speech.

So few people do this, that’s why there aren’t many suns in the room.  You’d be lucky to see one.  One person who is conscious and aware.

To recognize a sun, they are often found in the thick of things but they can step aside from it by choice, which can put people off.  They are equally resented as much as they are loved.  They are the one’s who don’t judge, who often love everyone, and they stop you from eating marmalade crackers because they can’t stomach it themselves.  They can’t watch nor listen to you eat them.  They see it as selfish and they intuitively know that selfishness leads to more suffering.

They don’t take anything seriously which can piss people off.

You know you’re in the presence of a sun if they make you feel good about yourself.  When you like who you are in their eyes, that’s when you’ve met someone who can see past themselves and look into you.

Weak selfish people cling to the suns perception of them, feeding off it like it were a marmalade cracker.  If the sun turns it’s gaze, the selfish will start to shrivel in the shade.  But the thing about the sun is, it’s always bright and giving off light 360 degree’s around – the only thing that’s capable of blocking it is a selfish person’s own ego.

I better end this post.  I’m getting transfixed again.


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