Category Archives: random thoughts

If the Universe Was the Size of a Photon

Okay, so like I said in my last post, our universe is a hologram of data packets living on the surface of an event horizon.

It’s all theoretical fun and games to think about this stuff.  It’s not that I actually believe any of it, but it’s a smattering of thoughts for a book idea I’m formulating.

I also wrote about the fireworks theory in which when one black hole (big bang universe) dissipates, a new black hole (a new universe) forms in it’s place.  And thus, time never ends.

Perhaps a new universe can only form once dark energy has overtaken gravity?  Once space and time no longer exist?

That’s according to the scientists.  They say that once dark energy starts ripping particles apart, space and time will be no more.

For shits and giggles, let’s just pretend this theory is correct.  Imagine the fireworks show.

As one firework starts to fade, another blasts in its place.  So we don’t actually know how old the universe is because we can only measure it from the start of our own firework.

Now think about this…..

Time is relative.  Everybody knows that by now.  From an ants point of view, humans move in slow motion according to their perspective.  What if we are the ant?  Only smaller than an ant?

The universe seems like it’s not moving much from our perspective, but if you blew yourself up so the universe is the size of a marble resting in the palm of your hand, and then looked at that marble from under an electron microscope, you might see stars and planets zipping around so fast that they are nothing but a streak of light.

Then what if you blew yourself up even more?  So the universe is nothing more than the size of a particle?  It’ll abide by the laws of quantum mechanics and pop in and out of existence just as particles are said to do.  Meaning, the universe – the marble – will evolve so fast, it’ll be created and destroyed, in the smallest decibel of time imaginable.  While to us, it takes trillions of years.

The universe is nothing more than quantum foam, a virtual universe of superimposed fluctuations.

What is a virtual particle?

First of all, they exist in real life.  Not just in my head.  You can see virtual particles when you do the double slit experiment (which I’m not about to explain).

Virtual particles are both here and not here.  They pop into “existence”, interfere with each other, and pop back out once the measurement has been taken.  The stuff that happens in-between the measurement is unknown but can be seen via double slit.

We can only measure the source (where it begins) and it’s ending location, but nothing in-between.

During the in-between time, all possibilities exist for that little particle and they are infinite.  They interfere with each other and create waves via chaos theory’s self-organization.

If the universe was the size of a photon, which it is (depending on your perspective), all possibilities exists simultaneous.

We are a virtual black hole that’s no different from the other virtual black holes that surround us in the sea of quantum foam and fluctuations.  We basically don’t exists.  We shouldn’t be here.

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In other news, I’m becoming more and more hermit-like.  I’m starting to get concerned.  Not even the temptation of alcohol was able to lure me out tonight.

My excuse tonight for not going out was that I was busy looking at electron microscopes for sale on Amazon and watching documentaries on Netflix.  “I’m going to be a self-taught chemist!”  Is what I said.  “It’s for the greater good!” I said.

I’ll see them tomorrow, so it’s not that big of a deal.  I even saw one yesterday, so I’m not a complete recluse.

I’m nearing into crunch time with my business, that could possibly be one of the reasons why I want to hunker down.  My surplus of money is nearing its end.  Taking its final bow.

If I actually do make it to April without dipping into my personal line of credit or selling more groupons, it’ll be a close shave on an atomic scale.  Down to dollars and cents in this case.  Pocket change kinda close shave.  Reconsidering my Hulu subscription kind of shave.

The suspense is killing me.  But unlike the descent I faced in 2015, this time around it’s a controlled sinking ship.  I control the sink.  It’s a steady but controlled decline.

The phrase “embrace the suck” just came to mind.

It’s like I’m a pilot with a busted up plane and I’m doing my best to keep ‘er steady.  But the plane isn’t going to crash, it just needs to make it to the next truck stop for a fuel-up.

So there is hope unlike the hopelessness I faced in 2015, but there’s still that jolting unsure feeling.  The feeling of, “Should I touch down now?”  Or, “Can I make it to the next fuel-up station?”

I’m almost positive I won’t make it.  If I touch down now, if I dip into my line of credit, all will be unravelled and all that progress I made last year will take another year to make up for.

My friend/receptionist wants me to go to Italy with her in May.  She’s a photographer and will take loads of pictures and post them to Facebook for all the world to see that I actually made it to Italy!  That prospect alone makes me want to go.  Pictures galore.  She takes like 500 pictures in just one outing, I can’t imagine how many she’d take in Italy. Her head will blow the eff up.

But alas, I’m busy trying keep my sinking ship steady.

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I would’ve had so much fun if I went out tonight.  They’re playing my favorite board game, cards against humanity.

But it’s like I said, I have to keep ‘er steady.  I can’t lose focus.  Can’t have fun.  It’s like I literally can’t have fun even if I tried, so why bother?

Why am I always so miserable?

I must embrace the suck, control the sink.

And just think that all this is happening inside a particle that’s neither here nor there.  And at the center of this particle exists a quantum black hole that has a singularity at it’s center that is so minuscule, yet so dense, it’s perception of time is faster than the speed of light.  And we are living on a memory of our own creation.

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You want to know where the term “Room and Board” came from?  Well, way back in the day, meals were served on wooden boards.  Table’s were in fact, a wooden plank resting on trestles.  You can read the best answer I found here.

My brother just got home and came into my room.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking up the etymology of room and board.”

It’s 11:30PM.

“I was going to watch Batman verses Superman but started looking up how ice forms in space and then I couldn’t stop looking things up.”

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What is comprised of a particle?

Particles are what make up atoms.  They can neither be created or destroyed, just change form like water.

You can change the form of particles by smashing them together or heating them up.  The Iconic E=MC2 means that the amount of energy needed to create a particle must be proportional to its mass.

Photon’s are the easiest to make while the Higgs boson is the hardest (heaviest) and requires a huge collision (energy) to make them.

Everything that exists today came from a singularity.  Google defines a singularity as follows:

In the centre of a black hole is a gravitational singularity,

a one-dimensional point which contains a huge mass in an infinitely small space,

where density and gravity become infinite and space-time curves infinitely,

and where the laws of physics as we know them cease to operate.

What if within each black hole that’s created, a new universe is born on it’s opposite end?  And that explains how matter can pop into existence seemingly out of nowhere?  We are all just one big projection, a hologram, inside a hologram, inside a hologram.

 

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What If The Big Bang Never Happend?

Hear me out for a second.  I don’t have much time, but want to put this down on paper before it falls into the void.  It’s for a book idea.

I watch a lot of documentary’s about the universe, quantum mechanics and physics.  I even read a few books about it.

  • I learned that the universe is expanding faster and faster until dark energy will tip the scales and become so great that it’ll be powerful enough to rip atoms apart.

This will happen billions of years from now.

  • I also learned that multi-universes must exist in order to explain the perfection of our own universe.
  • Particles can pop in and out of existence in the vacuum of space.  This is the only stable theory that explains the big bang (creating something from nothing).  One popular hypothesis is that it “borrows” energy from a parallel dimension.  But it quickly has to repay its debt by popping back out of existence.
  • And finally, I learned that anything that falls into a black hole leaves an imprint on the event horizon.  A little data packet of information that can be used to reconstruct whatever it was that fell into the black hole.  Whether it be your wallet, with all your credit cards in it, or a hat.

Furthermore, there’s a few physicists that actually believe that’s all we are, data packets on an event horizon.  Packets of energy that’s been reconstructed as the walking talking holograms we are today.  Not just people, but planets, stars, time, space – everything is a hologram.  Our universe is nothing more than a hologram being projected from a place light can never reach.

The gravity we feel is a byproduct of the black hole.  The stuff that holds us all together.  Perhaps gravity is the repayment of borrowed energy?  A magnet from a different dimension?

My book idea is this; what if instead of there being a multiverse of floating universes that never meet, it’s more like a multiverse that works like a fire works show?  Once the “big rip” happens and the old universe is destroyed by dark energy, a new universe pops into existence by overlapping it?  Like when one firework starts to fade, another one explodes on top of it.

Nothing ever dies in this way, just fades away.

Scientists claim that time didn’t exist before the big bang.  This is because of spacetime.  Time and space are dependent on each other and if there was no space, there was no time.

But with my firework analogy, there was a time before time.  Nothing is separated.  Just lost in a different time.

Past, present and future all exist simultaneous at the same time.  This can be proven with the laws of physics and spacetime.  It just depends on your perspective.  And I watched a documentary explaining this, the same documentary that talks about the universe eventually being torn apart leaving no trace of space or time in it’s wake and I started thinking about the grandfather paradox.

How can there be an end to time?  If there is an end to time, how can time exist now?  When it doesn’t exist in the future?

Think about it this way…..

Let’s say the universe is about to end in 5 seconds.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1……what happens next?  The blankness?  The nothingness?  If this is true, than where are we?  If all time happens simultaneous depending on your perspective, how can time exist and not exist at the same time?  How can we be here and not here?

Because there is no end of time, only new fireworks.  Time has to be perpetual in order for us to exist.

And what about the big bang theory?  What if it never exploded?

When particles pop out of nothingness, they borrow their energy from someplace.  But they can’t stay in existence because they quickly need to repay the borrowed energy.

What if the big bang started off as a singularity so massively dense using borrowed energy, nothing escaping it’s gravity, that when it exploded – it swallowed itself back up forming an immense black hole?  And we are merely trapped on the surface as a hologram?  And once that energy has been repaid, the process starts all over again.  More fireworks.

It’s like we’re on the surface of a balloon.  Technically, there is no center point of a balloon, no center of the universe, no center of explosion since spacetime expands as the universe expands.  But what if we can somehow float under the membrane of the balloon, into it’s real center?  The origin, if you will.

That’s kinda my book idea, kinda sorta.  Someone who can pass through the membrane of the balloon and from their perspective, they’re able to see the past, present and future, and the deeper they fall into the hole, the older time gets.  They can see past universes.  It becomes such a blur that it leads into infinity.  Every possibility existing at the same time.

Anyway, it’s 2:37 in the morning and I need to be up at 8.  I really hope this doesn’t become a problem again.  Staying up late to blog.  I had it under control for the longest time.

 

 

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The business won’t make it to April

We have 353 signature couples massages left to redeem by April and I’m running out of money fast.

I can’t sell anymore groupons because we’re still slammed with clients even though we redeem about 200 a month.

The whole existence of my business, everything I’ve worked so hard for rests upon these next two months.  I do NOT want to dip into my personal line of credit.  That defeats the purpose of selling the groupons in the first place – to pay off my mammoth debt.

I knew this would happen.  I knew I would experience this anxiety before I put my plan into action.  And I told myself not to get depressed if I have to use my personal line of credit because it’ll only be temporary and will be paid off again.

“No worries Mel, you got this.” Is what I told myself.  “Things might get hairy in the middle, but it’ll work out.”

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But I can’t bring myself to do it.  I just can’t.  I can’t put myself back in debt. I’m like a polarized magnet.  Bugs Bunny’s decaying tooth dancing side to side evading a drill.

I still owe $13,255.

My new plan is to take things one day at a time.  Today I’m okay, I’ll be okay tomorrow too.  Perhaps it’ll all work out.

I’m supposed to be doing my taxes but I’m evading them.  I had one client today, then went to the hardware store to make 3 copies of the business key, went to Stop & Shop to pick up a soup and salad lunch, was home by 1:00 and started watching documentaries about the Universe.  I can’t stop watching them.  They’re mesmerizing.  I finished eating my soup and salad and started listening to my audiobook, We the Legion.  I fell asleep and my dog kicked me awake two hours later.

Now I’m blogging.

I’m supposed to be doing my taxes.

My life never used to be this boring but owning a business, there’s always these stupid little chores you have to do.  Just when you complete one of these chores, another one crops up.  And instead of doing them, you busy yourself with naps, video games, books and documentaries and tell yourself you’ll hop to it right after this steaming cup of Ramen noodles and a snuggle cuddle with your dog.

I don’t want to do anything big, like exercise.  If I exercise, I’ll lose focus and forget about my taxes altogether.  I can’t go out and enjoy myself, not while taxes need taxing.  I’ll lose focus.

It’s like I have one foot standing on a pile of tax papers and the other foot is doing the Charleston.

I’m laying in bed doing nothing.  My parents went to the casino.  It’s so quiet here, my brain is getting squishy and dreamy again.  Like all I want to do is sleep and when I wake up, I’ll do my taxes.  But I’ll probably eat dinner instead while listening to my audiobook and pushing my dogs big fat head away from my dinner plate.

I hired another therapist to replace the one who’s leaving.  That’s one less worry.  And the girl who fractured her hand is taking clients again on the weekend, so that’s good.

The only two bothers I have now are my taxes and getting through these next two months.

I spent over $34,000 in December.  Can you believe it?  On what?  I don’t know.  I’m sure it’s all tax deductible at least.  I won’t be paying any taxes this year, so I’m not worried about that.  That’s not why I’m stalling.

It’s so quiet I can hear the icicles melting outside.

I feel so melancholy.

Oh god I love solitude.  How can normal people hate it so much?

You want to hear something horrible?

I love alcohol, but I’m not an alcoholic.  Wait, that’s not the horrible part.

The horrible part is that since I never drink at home, the only reason I visit a friends house is an excuse to drink bud lights (not even good beer).  Don’t get me wrong, it’s great seeing them, I like them, really I do.  But if alcohol isn’t in the mix, I’d rather stay home.  Either I drink or we do something fun like skydive, or I stay home.

If someone invites me over and I say “no thanks”.  Mostly all of them counter with, “I have bud lights” in a sing-song voice.  I’m over their house (sometimes still in my pajama’s) before they hang up the phone.

It’s that little extra nudge, you know what I mean?

I understand this makes me a horrible person, maybe even a fake person.  A narcissist who only cares about herself.  I know this, okay?  But what can I do about it?  I feel like if I lie and pretend I want to see these people for the sake of seeing them and nothing more, that’s the worst kind of fake-ness there is.  And I’ll be hated more for that than when I’m being honest.

I’m so freaking weird.  I can be content for weeks at a time completely and utterly alone with no alcohol, with nobody.  Anyone else would want to commit seppuku after the third day.

But I never been alone that long.  Not even for a day.  I think that’s why I long for it.  Maybe it’s why loneliness hasn’t effected me like the rest of the world.  I’m not lonely, I’m alone.  There’s a distinct difference.  I know what both feels like and learned that if I’m always alone, I’ll never get lonely.  If you’ve experienced both and know the difference and think hard on this, you’ll know what I mean.

When I go on vacation with more than one person, I need alone time.  If I don’t have alone time, I get really quiet and then really confused.  Like my mind is off in a million different places and can’t concentrate.  If I’m with just one person, it’s not as bad.  I can keep up with them.  I spent every day in Thailand with Brianna and never got quiet and confused around her.

The only way to combat the confusion is by purposely acting stupid.  By acting stupid, I’m less likely to go against the flow and tire myself out.  Usually when I’m around more than one person, I’m always fighting the current.  That is unless, I’m being a complete dumb ass cracking jokes.

That’s the best way I can describe it.  What is “it”? I don’t know.

I can’t believe I’m still blogging.  It’s 5:30PM, I got home today at 1:00.  I had so much time to do taxes!

What am I doing?!

I was trying to have an out of body experience today while napping.  I became lucid when I felt the rush of velocity.  I tried opening my “spirit” eyes but kept opening my regular eyes instead.   When I keep my eyes closed, I see nothing but darkness.  This is a common problem with astral travelers.  You may be traveling outside your body, but you can’t see shit.

The only time I’m able to open my spirit eyes happens when I’m not consciously thinking about it.  Like when I become terrified and snap “awake” I open my spirit eyes instead of my real eyes.

There’s got to be a trick to it…..

Hold on, let me google it.

It doesn’t say anything, just that beginners have a hard time not opening their regular eyes.

Anyway, I decided to keep my eyes closed and enjoy the rushing sensation followed by the floating sensation.  I felt my legs rise up and up and up until I was hanging upside-down.  My head was still connected to my body.

It’s weird hanging upside-down in your dream.  You think you’d feel sick or uncomfortable, but since you’re not physically hanging upside-down, it’s actually quite nice.  I hung like that until my dog kicked me.

I’m being absolutely ridiculous right now and I sound crazy.  Really really crazy.

My friend just asked me to go to lunch tomorrow.  I was going to finish doing my taxes tomorrow, but I haven’t seen her in a while.

I’m supposed to be going to Alaska to see the Iditarod March 2nd.  No no, not “supposed to be going”, but I’m definitely going.  That’s two weeks from now.  I wanted to get my taxes done before then so I can enjoy myself.

There’s a new video game that came out on my birthday (oh shit I forgot to mention that I’m 37 now) but I’m refusing to buy it until I do my taxes.  That’s the major reason they’re not done yet.  I just got done playing Nathan Drake so now I have no game stopping me from getting my taxes done.

Oh god what am I going to do about these next two months?  Fuck shit piss.  I want to break the numbers down for you, but I’m terrified to look at them.  It’s too terrifying.

My dog is laying in bed with me.  He’s the reason I’m not getting anything done!  He takes up so much room.  I can’t splay out all my tax papers with him laying in bed with me and I can’t do it at my desk because I have a freaking moped standing in front of it.  Yes I have a moped in my bedroom, don’t ask.

He’s so comfortable though, and sleepy.  I can’t move him.  He’ll whimper outside my door if I force him out.

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I’m not sure if you’re experiencing the same thing as me, but I’m sincerely pissed off at myself.  I’m aggravated.  So absolutely livid I want to kick my own ass.  Just by typing these few sentences, these next few words, I grow more and more infuriated.  So perplexing is this.  I want to take it out on my dog and kick him.  If my parents were home, I’d yell at them.

Dad – “When are you going to fix my printer?”

Me – “Go fuck yourself Dad!!”

No no no, I’d NEVER!  I would never say or do those things, but I can feel it in my bones why others are like that.  They hate themselves is what it is.

Lazy procrastinators are short-tempered with no patience or forgiveness for their shortcomings.  And they’re too stubborn and too lazy to admit they even have shortcomings.  Damn idiots is what they are.  Angry ignoramuses.

And yes I’m still typing, the more I type, the more I hate myself and the more I want to kick my dog off my bed and scream at him.  But the thing I love about myself is my ability to mindfully know where my emotions are coming from.  Did I mention I’m wicked humble?  I love that about myself too.

Does this explain all anger?  Does anger ultimately stem from feelings of helplessness?

 

You know, I think I’m right.

An old perverted man got a massage by one of my therapists the other day, Austin, a sweet Chinese guy massaged him.

When I caught wind of this, I felt the only way to overcome my helplessness was to dial that old fat bastard and rip him a new asshole.  Which I did, and I felt better.

And that is all well and good, when you take your anger out on someone who actually deserves it, but when you’re feeling hopeless for internal reasons, wires get crossed.  You want to beat the hopelessness out of you and you think it’s others that are causing it, not you.  Perhaps it’s human nature?

Hopelessness hits you and you instinctually feel that a predator must be near, or someone who wants to harm you.  We haven’t evolved out of this yet.  It’s rare to see a person looking inward for answers.  And when you do see someone looking inward and blaming themselves, they often take it too far and become neurotics.

The person who perpetually blames others is a narcissist.  Neurotics and narcissists make up the whole of society and they are equally pathetic and annoying.  Both of them need equal amounts of validation, they both “take” equally and perpetually.  And I want to slap them in their faces.

Why is this?  Because everyone’s broken and suffering.  More so than ever now that people are spoiled and entitled.

It’s like people aren’t able to judge correctly.  They have no balance.  They rely heavily on what others think.  The one’s who have more “power” and influence than they do in the game.

Fuck the game.  Stupid fucking people game.

Solitude.  I just want to be left alone.  I don’t care if I end up alone.

I don’t get it when people say they’re scared they might end up alone.  What does that even mean?  When is “end”?  I’m alone right now, so technically “ended up” alone and I feel absolutely fine about it.

I don’t think I’m going to do my taxes tonight.  I’m so effing pissed.  I’m pissed at my friend who wants to meet me for lunch tomorrow, like it’s her fault, not mine.  I’m texting her and telling her I can’t make it.

This is incredible.  Absolutely freaking incredible.

I hated homework.  I hated it so much.  I literally NEVER studied for anything.  I’m no different in my adult life.

It’s like I’m choosing to hate myself rather than do my taxes.  Enough is enough.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  Help me please won’t someone help me.

What are the 5 stages of acceptance?

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I’ve been back and forth with anger and bargaining for weeks.  I’m finally getting depressed, thank god.  I’m almost there.

As soon as I stop blogging, that’s when I know depression will hit.  As soon as I turn on my Amazon fire stick to watch a movie.  And the depression will grow so great that I’ll be pushed into acceptance and start doing my taxes.

I can’t wait for depression!

This is what I do every year and every year is the same thing.  Once I start doing them, it’s actually not that bad.  The reality is that it’s an easy process and not as time-consuming as I thought.  I usually finish them in two days time.

And when they are done…..oh man, when they’re done I feel like I just climbed Mount Washington.  It’s the best feeling ever.  And while I’m doing them, I feel like an energized super-hero.  I stay up all night.  Not out of frustration or anxiety, but because I’m on a roll and don’t want to stop.  It’s sort of exhilarating.  Like that feeling you get when you clean your house after snorting coke.

That’s how I get when I do things.  Minus the coke.

It’s like, I’m waiting for that exhilaration to happen, but it’s not coming to me.  It only happens after I’ve come out of depression and learned acceptance.

This is why

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Okay, okay, I’m doing them.  I’m doing them.  I will do them.

Right.

Now.

Right after I pee and snuggle my dog a little.

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Explaining the impossible with infinity

Whenever scientists can’t explain something, they chalk it up to infinity.

“The universe is infinite so according to the laws of probability, the likelihood of there being a habitable planet such as our own is no mystery.  It’s science.”

There’s too many unexplained coincidences that make life possible on earth.  The more we learn about our dependance on these factors, the more we believe in the infinite.

There’s just no other way.

This explains the mystery of how life on earth is possible, but now science has recently discovered dark energy.  We’re no longer looking at how life on earth is made possible, but how the universe itself is stable enough to support us.

It is again, miraculous.  Nearly impossible in it’s likelihood that our universe is fit for human life, or any life for that matter.  Stars and planets are also found to be improbable.

Dark energy is the opposite force of gravity.  Gravity pulls us in and dark energy pulls things apart.

The amount of dark energy being used to expand the universe is in such small quantities that it baffles physicists.  But it’s also the perfect number.  More or less of it, time and space wouldn’t exist.

Before the big bang, space and time didn’t exist.  There was nothing.  I hit zen when I was 7 years old while pondering this “nothingness”.  I called it blankness because I didn’t have the words to define it, I still don’t.

But anyway, our universe is measurable and has a beginning.  It’s like a contained bubble floating amid nothingness, or blankness.

Once again physicists are convinced that there has to be infinite multiple universes.  There’s no other way to explain the perfection of our cosmos.  It’s too perfect to be explained.

Explaining everything we don’t understand with infinity and probability is the same as using God as an explanation.  It’s not real science.  It can’t be measured or proven.  It’s more philosophy than anything.  Scientists know this, but can’t ignore this simple explanation.

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Arrival

I just got a jail broken fire stick today and watched my first jail broken movie on it, Arrival.

I don’t condone jail broken fire sticks, I give nobody permission to use a jailbroken anything other than myself.

Now that that’s clear, I want to talk about this movie!

SPOILER ALERT

The whole premise of the movie (this is a spoiler just so you know), is that by learning a special language – the alien language – it reconstructs your brain into seeing your future memories.

I learned about this a while ago on my own during one of my ruminating epidemics.  People of other languages interpret things differently and therefore must think differently.  I never knew this was an actual study called the sapir-whorf hypothesis until I watched this movie.

So anyway, if you learn their alien language fluently, you’ll be able to interpret time differently.  So it’s non-linear.  The memories you make in the future can help you out in the present by giving you clues on what to do next.

I know I wrote about this paradox before, how this is impossible even if it were to be possible.  The whole grandfather time travel paradox for example.  But the movie skirts around this issue by not changing the past.

Your future memories are the best possible outcome so instead of changing anything, you’re simply following the thread to the best future possible which has already happened in your future memories.

Confusing?  Yes.  They don’t explain all that in the movie, it’s more implied than anything.  I think it would make a better book so people understand this a little better.

But this is so similar to what I was going through during the fall of 2015.  If you read my posts from back then, I was purposely writing to my future self to help me out.  To send me strength or answers, or both.  I was praying to myself because according to ayahuasca, there is no god, just us.  This doesn’t make me an atheist, it’s just that, well, it’s too complicated to get into at the moment.  And I vowed never to get transfixed with crazy preach speech again.

Screw it, one more time I’ll try to explain my interpretation of God when I intuited it from ayahuasca.

God is the universe.  That’s probably a universal understanding, nothing new there.  But what exactly is the universe?

Our technology today can measure just about anything.  We can measure the static residue caused by the big bang and figure out how old the universe is, and how big it’s becoming.  Basically according to science, the universe is a finite, measurable place.  It’s measurable because it had a beginning.

Now lets look at what’s beyond the measurable/known universe.  What do you think is out there?

More universe, that’s what’s out there.

Now, just take a moment and think about this.  I mean really think about it.  If there’s more universe, an infinite universe, do you know what that means?  Do you know what that implicates?  It implies everything.  Literally everything is out there.

In other words, another you is out there.  It’s mathematically impossible for there not to be another you in an infinite sea of universes.  Not only that, but it’s impossible for there not to be an infinite number of you’s in an infinite sea of universes.

Everything exists.  Even Jesus.

But you may argue that these other replica’s of earth must abide by our laws of physics.  It’s impossible to turn water into wine no matter what world you live in.  And yes, that’s true if you’re speaking about our “known” universe, but all other universes can have their own set of laws.

Do you understand what I’m saying?  Everything exists.  Everything.  It’s like when I experienced my two seconds of emptiness (I know I talk about that a lot and it’s getting old), when I felt nothing but possibilities.  Nothing exists but possibilities.

Another way to interpret this infinity is to imagine an ape typing on a typewriter.  Given enough time, he’ll eventually type Hamlet word for word.  Not only Hamlet, but every book ever written, every book that was never written.

So when people believe in God, do they even know what that means?  Do they have any idea what god is?  How can you believe in something when you don’t even know what it is that you believe in?

After doing ayahuasca, belief in god or in any religion, is mind boggling baffling to me.

The universe is God.  If there are infinite universes, does that mean there are an infinite number of gods?

Instead of believing in god, I known for certain that I exist.  So I’m more comfortable believing in myself.  An infinite amount of Melanie’s all blogging simultaneous.

There’s this thing in physics called quantum entanglement.  Two completely separate particles act like one particle.  Whatever happens to one of them, happens to it’s twin.  Even lightyears apart.  None can explain this.

What if I’m quantumly entangled with all these infinite Melanie’s?  They can send me secret messages via gut-feelings?  What happens to their soul when they die?  Do we become one?

Ayahuasca also told me that I must believe in god in order for me not to go to hell.  It’s totally contradictory.  This I can not explain, or understand.

What I intuited is that I have to have complete faith in the “process” without any fear what-so-ever and the only way to get around the obstacle of fear is to believe in a higher power.  Absolute trust.

So, God exists and doesn’t exist at the same time.  It’s Schrodinger’s cat all over again.

Anyway, today is Wednesday night, technically Thursday.  The last time I went to work was on Sunday.  These last few days were blissful.

I actually have to finish charging my member clients because it’s the first of the month….it’s already 12:08 so I should do that.

I haven’t done my taxes like I said I would.  My reason being is that Groupon didn’t send me my tax statement yet.  It’s a valid excuse.  All my receipts are tally’d up just about so all I need to do is plug in the numbers.

I love my receptionist.  These past few days of bliss were made possible by her being there instead of me.

My only worries hanging over my head are:

  1. Doing my taxes
  2. Hiring another therapist

And that’s it.  Even with my two employee’s leaving me, the business will be fine.  They picked the best possible time to move on.  Is this due to that higher power ayahuasca mentioned?  Because I’m learning how to trust the process?

I don’t know.  All I know is that it is strange to see my life shaping up exactly how I want it to be.  It’s strange to think I can have my own house as soon as next year, and the time and money for travel and leisure.  It’s all happening, inch by painful inch.

Husband and kids were never meant for me, I never wanted them.  But why?  I don’t know why I don’t want them while everyone else I know does.  There has got to be something bigger taking place.  Is this part of trusting the process?  The things we desire, do these desires come from something outside ourselves?  They seeded themselves within us, making us believe we have a choice and that it came from us, our decision, but what if it has to do with the process?

Desire and addiction are not the same.  Addiction is the opposite of trust.  Addiction is ego, it’s filling the void where trust should be.

I don’t know, I feel like, I don’t know…..I don’t know about any of this.  But it’s so fun to think about.  How I can formulate an equation that the universe abides by.  A formula that if I crack it, would unlock every answer to every question.  Making my wildest dreams come true.

I should freaking charge the rest of my members.

I will NOT watch another movie on my jailbroken fire stick tonight.  I will NOT.  I especially will NOT write a 1400 word blog post about said movie.

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Self-diagnosed hypoglycemic

My brain doesn’t want to function today.  I’m clumsy, having trouble remembering things, trying hard not to slur my words – it’s bad.

I’m sure a lot of tired, over-worked people say that their brains don’t want to function, but when I say it, it’s quite literal.

Today marks the second time in my life where I felt like I might die from alcohol poisoning.  The first time I encountered this, I’m pretty sure I wrote a post about it entitled “Melanie gets alcohol poisoning” and I written it at least 2 years ago.

This second time around (not as bad as that first time), I decided to do some research and found out that that my glucose levels were dangerously low.  Our brains don’t function without glucose.  Every single symptom I had matched up with hypoglycemia and even the cause of the attack matched.

The worst of these symptoms involves a sheer unadulterated terror of dying.  You think water boarding is torture?  Try low glucose.

I hope I don’t get permanent brain damage from a glucose shortage.

The cure to this?  I have to eat a lot of carbs and drink sugary beverages – basically enlarging my ever widening ass.

Exercise causes low blood sugar, alcohol, caffeine, carb-free diet fads, any diet in general really.

I’m never drinking again.  I really mean it this time.  I drank 12 beers last night and I felt wonderful.  My friend tested my blood sugar by the end of the night and it was at 98 (after drinking 12 beers), but the thing with that is, it doesn’t start dropping until hours later while I’m sleeping and I wake up with a scary histamine headache and an inability to comprehend human speech.  I can telepathically communicate with dogs though.

It takes 16 hours for the liver to fully process all the alcohol out of my system and after that 16 hour period, my liver can start making glucose again (or whatever it does, I forgot already).  I went 16 hours without the ability to produce glucose.

It’s 11:13 PM and I’m feeling better, but there’s still a lingering panic.  Not like the death panic I had earlier, but about my business.

I hired so many people and I used the groupon money to pay off $21,000 of debt, where now I’m left in that horrible gray area of not knowing if the business can survive these rash decisions.

If the business can survive these next 4 months (the groupons expire in 4 months), it’ll be a success.  I can permanently end all worry pertaining to my business.  I’ll still worry but it’ll be about my parents getting old, where my life is headed, if I got residual brain damage from this last hypoglycemic attack…etc, etc.

Drinking 12 beers and almost killing myself was not the worst thing I did last night.  You want to hear the worst thing?  I’ll tell you anyway.

My dear friend whom I was visiting yesterday asked me (when I was over-the-wall inebriated) if she can work for me and I gave her my stupid toothy grin and said “sure!”.

My brain, although half-way dead and poisoned at the time, still managed to preform its stunning micro-minute “think before you speak” response (my sugar was still normal at the time) and it reasoned “I trust this girl.  If I don’t hire her now, she might find a different job and I’ll regret it later.  I can’t leave my business unattended or it’ll burn and fizzle into a fiery hell pit of regret where I’ll live in squalor and die penniless and alone with a weighted cement-filled chest cavity replete with a side salad of suicidal slaw.

After I responded with “Sure!” and having my micro-minute think session, I told her “The job is $12.50 an hour 10-2 Monday through Friday.”

She fired back:  “That’s perfect.”

We agreed right then and there that we shall go to work the very next day (today) and train.  I trained her during my glucose shortage attack.  Without eating, and after drinking coffee which only acerbated the problem not to mention I slept for a total of 10 minutes because I couldn’t stop picking at my damn cuticles.

It taken me two and a half hours going over everything with her, at least, that’s what I said once the clock chimed 12:30.  Then I remembered more stuff to tell her and another hour went by.  I’ve never taken the time to train anybody so thoroughly.  My reasoning behind that being; if I make it simple, they’ll think it simple.

But anyway, then how you ask, is this decision the worst thing that happened to me last night other than almost killing myself?  Because now, no matter how much sense it made at the time and even now it makes sense still, It was a bad decision because it’s causing me panic.

The saying “slippery slope” is playing on a loop in my head like listening to the worlds worst iPod Shuffle.

“Slippery slope Mel, you’re on a slippery slope.  Don’t forget the slope is slick.  Slick and down you go.”

“Evil august 2015, you remember that?  This feels similar, yes?  Making the same mistakes?  Biting off too much to chew?  Are we ready to see your money all gone this time next month?”  (Each question getting higher and higher in pitch).

I annoy myself better than anyone else can.  Man, what a douche I can be.

I’ve been through this shit before so I know how to handle it this second time around.  It’s always about making a choice.  I’m choosing that my business will succeed – I choose that.  At all costs, it will prevail these trying times.  I’m giving myself no other option.

This kind of mentality stops my panic dead in its tracks.  There’s so much power behind it.  I know how I sound right now, I know I sound nuts again…..

Maybe if I put it a different way;  Like for instance, when I say “at all costs”, to me those words mean an infinite array of chances.  An infinite throng of opportunities, making it quite literally, impossible to fail.  There exists too many ideas and variables that are fully in my control, making the fate of my business entirely my doing (or undoing).

It’s like this;  Sometimes you can’t predict the situations being thrust upon you – it’s as the great saying goes, Shit Happens.  But it’s solely your responsibility on how to handle said shit.  Even if it doesn’t belong to you, it’s literally impossible for you not to react to it.  If you choose not to react, guess what?  No reaction is still a reaction and it’s nobody else’s but your own, hence the responsibility.  And with great responsibility comes great power.

You’re only a victim if you choose not to fight.

Did someone leave a baby on your doorstep?  Well, that baby might not be yours but you’re definitely responsible for him now (at least by bringing him inside and calling the authorities).

I got that last little bit from a book.  I think it’s called “How to not give a fuck.”

Shit, I need to go to sleep god damn it.

But what I’m trying to say is that we are responsible for the choices we make.  And by knowing you’re responsible, creates your personal power juice bank.  Why is this?  Awareness of responsibility, breeds choice.  The more you hold yourself accountable for your actions, can breed a litter of choice puppies – ways out, puzzles solved, stresses put to their final resting place.

Oh shit I really have to sleep now.

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Fuck the election

I just taken an oxycodone.  I know nothing about narcotics, only that this one is pretty popular.  My friend gave it to me a while back and I tucked it away for a rainy day.

I wanted to do some research before gulping it down and I found out that if I crush this little bugger instead of swallowing it, I can die.  My friend forgot to mention that little nugget of trivia.  If I chew and swallow, I might never wake up.

It’s 8:33 PM.  Well, actually it’s really 9:33 because of daylight savings.  We just fell behind today.

This pill is time-released.  That’s why you can’t chew it.  You shouldn’t even cut it in half.

I’m starting to get very sleepy.

That post I wrote, the one with the $$$ as its title, I just want to clarify that it’s still too early to know for certain if I’m actually netting $100 a day.  It’s too soon to tell.  It’s on par with someone announcing on Facebook that they’re one week pregnant.  Or that their boyfriend had just inserted his penis and taken it back out and now there might be babies (smiling and celebratory emoji’s).

Most pregnancy’s don’t even make it to full term, so this new found success of mine is like a week old fetus, not even that.  It’s the sperm still in the sack.  And not even a healthy sack.  It’s a 300 pound 40 year old virgins sack is where my success is.  Basically non-existant.

I’ve been working a lot.  An insane amount.  The president of the United States works less than I do and thus, the oxycodone that now resides in my gut.  Gently eking out blissful lullaby’s.

I need MORE therapists.  Here’s who I hired so far:  Karyl, Patricia, Igor, Debora, Austin and Lori.  All within the last 30 days.

And it’s still not enough.

I finally felt it today, the anger welling up inside.  It was unbearable and I hate myself for it.  How can I be angry that my business is busy?  How can I be angry that clients like us and that I finally have some extra dough?

Because I hate giving massage.  I hate it, detest it, I loathe it, abhor it.  And while I’m massaging, the phone goes unanswered, the emails, unchecked.  My new employee’s are clueless as to what to do (I haven’t had time to train them).

With each client I massage, I sink further and further into a wretched venomous anger.  I feel my horns, the scales on the back of my throat, an acidic burn.  I become the embodiment of evil.  Miserable.  The most miserable wretched person.  The most ungrateful, naive, spoilt bratty prat.

I don’t often feel anger and it’s amazing that I feel it under these circumstances – having to give copious amounts of massage.  I mean, who gets angry over that?  I mean really angry?  As much as I do?

One of my new therapists got booked last minute for a half-hour massage today and she asked if someone else can take it (aka me).  I wanted to punch her.

That’s what sparked my anger, my outrage, by her asking that.  Of course I said no.  What I really wanted to say was, “are you fucking kidding me?”

I was angry for the rest of the day, until I finished with my last client.  All because she asked that.

I added another massage room to the lease.  It’s a real shit-hole.  The amount of work that needs to be done is seismic.  And we need that room set up as soon as humanly possible so every time I have to massage someone, I get angry.  I get angry because I have NO TIME for anything.

Two of my co-workers asked if I was Okay – I had no idea, literally no clue, my aggravation was showing on the outside.

People are so caught up in the election.  Fuck the election.  I don’t give a shit about the election.  Literally, this year feels like a civil war between Trump and Hillary fans.  If you’re a Trump fan, Hillary fans will smite you, belittle you, call you names and same goes for Trump fans.  And it’s such a close race that the entire election is based off of smear campaigns.  Whoever has the biggest most recent scandal on Tuesday will be the loser.  Last week, Trump had the biggest scandal but this week, Hillary’s is bigger (maybe not bigger, but more recent).  It doesn’t matter how big the scandal is, as long as it’s not in todays paper, you’re safe.  Your policies don’t matter, only your character.  Only trust matters.  And only if you can be trusted TODAY.  Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today.

I think all Trump and Hillary supporters are idiots (sorry 85% of my Facebook friends).

Holy shit I’m tired.

I’m just tired, period.  Even without the oxycodone, I’m sick and tired.  Sick and tired thinking my reprieve is right over this last and final hill I have to climb.  It’s never the last and final hill, there’s always another.  And that’s where my anger comes from.

This little pill is acting like a sleeping pill, not much else is happening.  No euphoria or anything like that.  It’s BS.  At least my back’s no longer hurting.

I was cruising Facebook earlier and found out that China has a tradition of eating dogs for one week a year.  The facebook post was a petition to get it stopped.  The dog eating begins in 7 days.  There were pictures of dogs getting boiled alive and set on fire alive, I can NOT read stuff like that.  Each year, less and less Chinese are attending the event.  Most of them find it sickening.  There are protesters everywhere, it’s not a safe celebration anymore with so many activists these days and knowing that, makes me feel better.

But I can’t stop hugging and kissing my dog now.  I feel like by me loving him so much and taking care of him, I’m somehow helping the poor dogs in China, and the poor starving strays worldwide actually.  Like I’m giving them a big hug too.

If only I can see people the way I see dogs, you know what I mean?  People suffer too, they’ve been burned, molested, tortured….people suffer every day.  But you don’t see me hugging and kissing people like I’m hugging and kissing my dog (and all the dogs of the world).

I don’t get it.  Maybe people cancel each other out.  People make other people suffer, so by me loving people, that means I’m also loving the abusers, the molesters, the narcissists.  Yes, people definitely cancel each other out.  When I hug one person, it’s not like I’m hugging all the people in all the world.  Not like when I hug my dog.

 

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Filed under journal, philosophy, Politics, random thoughts, rant, Self help, work

Day Off Ramble

What came first, the stomach or the mouth?

Without the stomach, we wouldn’t need a mouth and without a mouth, there wouldn’t be need for a stomach.

Thinking about this makes me want to nap.

It’s my day off and I was going to go hiking, run some errands, install a shelf, call a friend, and sit at the coffee house to blog but instead, I’m laying in bed.  The worlds number one most laziest girl.

I’m on a tight budget for the next few weeks, or month.  It’s July 18th and I have $3,800 in the bank.  $2000 of it goes towards paying my workers, $1675 for rent, Geico, verizon, and Amazon credit card are all still due ($400 roughly) and that leaves me with negative $275.  I can easily make $275, but my property taxes are also due ($300), so I need to make at least $575 by the end of the month.

It’s totally doable, no question about it.  It’s just that I hate this.  My quarterly taxes were due this month, last month my employee’s got paid three times instead of two, and all my groupon money went towards paying off my debt.

I mean, the business is doing fine, really.  If I didn’t have debt, I’d have $17,000 more in the bank than I do right now, possibly more.  But I couldn’t pay off any chunks of it last month or this month, it’s at a standstill yet again.

But I have plans, as always.  Plans that don’t require a gamble like pricey marketing scams or adding facials to the menu.  I lost a lot of money through gambles.  No, just simple marketing by handing out coupons to new clients.

I’m starting a new type of membership program, one where clients don’t have to get charged every month.  As long as they come in once a month, they can get the membership rate.

Our members don’t come in every month, so there’s a mass ton of massages we have to give and the money I received from these massages is long spent.  Adding more members is not the solution for this business, but clients who pay at the time of their visit is.

I like the coupon idea.  It’ll actually save us money and hassle in the long run.  There are equal pro’s and con’s to each membership program and I’m putting the choice in the clients hands on what to do.

Vista Print will ship the coupons out in a week or so and when I get them, I’m going to sell a few groupons to get new clients in here to see how well this idea works.

Anyway, my Alaskan trip was great.  My host, the guy who paid for half my ticket, I didn’t know him all that well before the trip but he really opened up this time.  Spending a week with anybody can do this.  He relaxed and felt comfortable and talked to me like one of his good buddies.  That’s exactly how I want everyone to talk to me.  It’s about truth and honesty.

Guys are definitely easier to get along with than girls.  Girls don’t relax like guys do, or let down their guards.  We evolved into being manipulative due to our lack of strength and dependance.

*********************

I read an article about how to increase grey matter in the brain and it said to play an instrument, play video games (um, yes!), learn a new language, play chess….etc.

I downloaded an app for chess and learned how to play.

I thought chess was only for intelligent people but it turns out to be just like any other game I played.  I thought it would be too difficult to be addicting but no, it’s not difficult and it IS very addicting.  It’s no different than playing spider solitaire which I had a HUGE addiction to and had to delete the game.

I’ve been playing every chance I get.  In-between clients, while watching tv.  On my phone or on my laptop.

That’s what I’ve been doing instead of blogging.  Playing chess.

But I can actually feel a difference in my brain.  It’s becoming more calculating.

Most of what we do is automaton.  Our brains are involuntarily digesting food, pumping oxygen to our toes, hearing and viewing the outside world.  Allowing habits to form so they too can become involuntary.

I believe the only time we actually use our heads is when we’re actively learning.  Problem solving is a form of learning.  Communicating is not always a form of learning and can also become habitual.  We don’t really listen to each other because we assume we already know what the other is saying.  And like with any habit (tough to break), can be nearly impossible getting through to some people.

Our brains are turned off for most of the day.  That’s pretty crazy, right?

But since I started playing chess, it’s like a juggernaut.  I want more.  Like why does an explosion happen when you split the nucleus of an atom?  Why isn’t there any radiation in Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

(I’m reading a WWII novel)

But…….

“Learning” can also become habitual.  When you don’t really understand an answer, you give up on it.  It’s too much trouble.  In essence, you teach yourself how to not learn anything and by doing this, blocks form in your head.

Some people can’t understand the simplest of concepts due to these blocks.

Stupidity can only be taught by the person doing the teaching, and we can only teach ourselves.  Real teachers are only guides, we ultimately teach ourselves.  There should be a class on how to learn.

******************

Why I think angry people are stupid people…

I got angry the other day at a client scamming our business.

I never get angry, so when it happened, I jumped at the opportunity to analyze it.

I felt threatened.  That’s all it came down to.

Anger, broken down to it’s simplest form, is about feeling threatened.  A feeling that you can’t beat the other person.  You can’t win at their game.  Sometimes the opponent is yourself (not being good at anything, feeling like a loser).

Whether it be your ego, your value, your personality being threatened, ideals or beliefs, or your peace of mind (happens when you get annoyed), anger manifests.

The amount of anger you feel is in relation to the amount of worry, or lack of control you have over the situation.  The more hopeless, the angrier you get.  The anger makes you feel powerful enough so you can beat your opponent, but in actuality it does little but cloud your perception of truth.

Perhaps phobia’s are a form of anger?  I’ll get to that later….

That’s why some people can’t handle debating.  If they are unequipped (stupid), they’ll get angry because they can’t formulate their argument, they can’t sway you.  They’d rather shut down and tell you to “go fuck yourself”, than to deal with facing their own inadequacies and holes in their belief system.

Denial is a river of stupidity forever openly flowing.

It happens when you make blocks in your head by being too lazy (or too busy) to understand an answer, so you make assumptions to replace understanding.  Hence the holes in your belief system.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, where was I?  Oh yeah, my client made me angry.  Almost the trembling kind (that’s the worst).

I analyzed it and at the heart of it, I felt she was threatening my business.

Now, in the past, as most of you know, I had a bad run of it.  My business wheels were crumbling on the road to failure.  The feelings I went through during that disastrous time left an imprint, a wordless feeling, ominous.  Anything, or any person who threatens my business hooks me back up to that ominous emotion I felt during the time my business was falling apart.

While I no longer should feel threatened, things are okay now, I still have that emotional imprint.  Like you remember how burlap feels rough on your skin, you can remember how you felt when your life was shattering.  It’s always there and you can never forget.

As soon as I realized she can’t hurt my business, my anger released.  And I mean the instant I realized this.  I still felt the physical residue of anger, the heightened blood pressure and adrenaline, but I told myself those are only the physical symptoms and will soon go away.

It’s hard getting rid of emotion while your physical body wants to hold onto it.  You may have found your answer, but you still feel upset.  You think nothing has been solved, so you cycle through it again until you fall asleep and wake up the next day feeling great.  It’s all just stress hormones.

Angry people can’t separate the past from the present.  They are constantly being tied back in.  The older they get, the more shit they go through, the angrier and more hopeless they become.  Every little nuance, the smallest of troubles, can become mole hills.

The worst of these angry people put up brain blocks by not taking the time to understand something, so they taught themselves how to be stupid.  They assume too much, filling in the holes with an already shotty belief system.  They can’t debate.  Can’t face truth.  They’re angry and half the time don’t know why.

They have the potential to be smart, so on the outside they might seem fine, but with all the blocks and assumptions, or even just being tied into past emotions, it’s a recipe for anger.

Maybe angry people aren’t stupid, but they’re weak.  They don’t believe they have all the power.

***********************

In other news, I made an appointment to get laser hair removal done on my face.  On my upper lip and under my chin.  I bought a whole package of them through the barter network.

Before I go under the laser, I can’t pluck or wax my hair.  There needs to be stubble.  So I’m giving myself one month of no plucking to make sure every little hair follicle is at the surface ready to be zapped.  The med spa said I’m allowed to shave though…..

It’s incredibly hard not to pluck.  I habitually rub my face up and down throughout the day checking for any stubble and when I find something, I pluck it out and it feels so good.  The thicker and darker the hair, the better it feels when I pull it out.  I look forward to my nightly pluckings.

But wow, to see them all growing together like this, I really am a hairy beast girl.  I didn’t shave yesterday and it looked like I had a five o’clock shadow.  If I don’t shave my face, I’m habitually rubbing my stubble.  The temptation to pluck is incalculable.

My appointment is August 1st, I’m only on day 18.  18 days of no plucking.  And I probably can’t pluck until the last laser treatment is done.

If it actually works, I’ll never have to worry again about what I look like while taking one of my wacky treks through unknown lands.  I’ll not need my mirror.

*******************

It’s now 5:30pm, I safely made it though most of the day by lounging.  I didn’t have any work emergencies thank god.  But I missed my window for a nap.  I think I shall play chess and watch Limits of Perception on Amazon prime.

I’m a dorky, weird, hairy lazy beast girl who writes 1800 words “just for fun”.  And I recently beat my video game, that’s another reason why I’m blogging today.

I think the stomach came first.

Oh, I was going to write about how phobia’s are connected to anger…..

Anger is more like a battle, you can either win or lose against your opponent.  Anger is not resolved.

Phobia’s are what happens after you lost the battle.  Not only have you lost, but years later, those scars still remain.  Triggers can hook you up directly to emotions of the past.

How do you explain an aerophobic person who never flew in a plane before?  It’s tied in with something else, an entirely different past experience.  Different experience, but same emotion.

Phobia’s are unresolved battles that you’ve lost.  The more you panic, the more hopelessness you feel.  The physical response of reliving and retrieving stress hormones from the past only exacerbates the matter.  Your body can’t relax no matter how calm your senses.  It’s autoimmune, first response.  Emotion comes before thought.  You’re caught in the grip of panic without knowing what’s causing it.  And when you realize, it’s too late.  Your body refuses to cooperate with reasoning.

*******************

Holy crap listen to this…..I’m watching Limits of Perception and you want to hear something cool?

When the earth starts heating up for whatever reason, don’t know the reason due to chaos theory, the earth metabolizes itself and you want to know how?  Oceans start getting warmer, plankton produce and multiply faster in warm water and plankton produces a molecule called DMS.  DMS causes water to condense into droplets, making clouds brighter and shinier to reflect the suns heat back into space.  These juiced up water droplets end up cooling the earth.

Plankton, a micro-organism, saves us from extinction every time a heat wave strikes.

And these little guys love the sun, but their own love of the sun causes clouds to appear.  It’s sort of an analogy for letting go.  If you hold on too tight, keeping watch and waiting (wading in the water like plankton), the sun will never appear.

Shit, I think I’m done for today.  I should probably eat something.

 

 

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When You Don’t Belong

When you’re the new guy at work, or new in town, you’re thrust into an environment where you must learn in order to survive.  I use the term “survive” loosely.  You must learn in order to make life easier and why is that important?  Because all anybody really wants is to be happy.

When we’re happy, we stop learning.  Your brain gets numb and dumb.  At least, that’s what happens to me.  All I want to do is eat and spend money when I’m happy.  To reach for my next fix.

Curiosity is different from learning in this sense, in that with curiosity, you’re not curious to help you “survive”, you’re curious because you have survived, or are surviving.  It’s more along the lines of not living to survive, but surviving so you can live.

Surviving is not living, and neither is the happiness that comes with it.  That kind of happiness makes you stupid, entitled, arrogant.  Hiring people to think for you.  Becoming a critic on your own likes and dislikes.

I want to establish the difference between learning to survive and learning to live and I strongly believe it’s through curiosity.

So when you’re the new guy, you don’t merely adapt out of fear you won’t make it.

Boss – “This is how we do it here.”

Surviver – “You got it boss.”

Liver – “But why do it that way?”

By learning why things are done a certain way, you’re less likely to repeat the mistakes of the past.  It also puts you in a position of higher innovated thinking.  The freedom to think different because you’re not scared of the consequences.

Unless you don’t care.  When you don’t care, you do what you’re told.  Indifference may be another indicator of a surviver.  You care only for your next paycheck.  Your reward, your entitlement.  The cycle repeats.

Perhaps that’s why money has a bad rep?  It’s the superficial fruits of labor, something we all want no matter what it takes to get it.  Our virtues become bent and broken.

Is the curious person a more virtuous person?

Blind loyalty to a person of power is another blatant quality of a surviver.

To me, anybody who exhibits blind loyalty to ANYONE is a dumb ass.

I’m curious as hell but when it came to working for someone else, I didn’t care.  I did what I was told.  My integrity was in constant upheaval, and the types of menial jobs I acquired were operated under common-sense rules and not some fancy formula for success.  I didn’t need to question any of it.

I did however, question why I was there.  And it’s a good thing too or I never would have opened my own practice.

I’m in Alaska at my friends house.  I’m so glad I brought my laptop!  We’re not going to the forest fest until later, when everyone gets out of work.  We’re going to set up camp, literally.

Until then, I’ll just have to lay around.  I don’t get bored but I wish I had a car…..Jay said I can use his car but it sounds like it’ll die at any second.  I’m in his bedroom laying on his futon and he’s on the floor in a sleeping bag taking a nap.  I’d bide my time drinking beer and watching YouTube documentary’s but I’m afraid of getting a headache if I did that.  It happened yesterday and it was a doozie.

So pretty much I’m only here for the Forest Fair it seems.  See myself some arts and crafts and shit like that.

I think I should shower and pack up my things.

But that thing I wrote about virtue being related to curiosity makes sense.  I want to meditate on it.  Indulge me for a spell…..

If virtue = caring, why care?  Why do we care about certain things and not others?  Because it effects me personally?  Or because of compassion? Or that I have such an awesome ulterior idea that surpasses the idea’s already in place and I need to voice them?

why do we care

We wouldn’t be curious about anything if we didn’t care.  I mean, it’s common sense if you think about it.

But being the cynic that I am, people care only for themselves.

And since I care only for myself, I’m curious mainly to enhance who I already am?  And if I enhance others in the process, strength in numbers, right?

So a curious, “virtuous” person is the biggest snake in the grass?  As opposed to a surviver who’s just going about their day minding their own business, trying to make a place for themselves, they are less likely to be meddlesome and manipulative?

Guilt…..

I feel no guilt what-so-ever.  I have felt it, but reconstructed my life so to never feel it again.  I voice my opinions and reject anything that will have the repercussions of guilt, even if felt long after the fog clears.

A caring person is a person who does things in a certain way to refrain from feelings of guilt and regret.

My cynical outlook can never be refuted or unproven.  When any question like this arises (why do we care?), it always has to do with what we can gain or refrain from it.

I DO feel people’s pain, but I don’t enjoy it.  So I make them feel better for my own good.  Because if I were to be in their shoe’s, I’d want help too.  It makes me feel better to help.

I’m a snake in the grass that feeds the hungry.

Okay, I’m going to shower.  I have to pee.

Oh and one more thing…..It’s better to not belong than it is to belong.  The best stories are from people who were thrown into a mess of a situation – outsiders who weren’t trained to be “yes men” because they have no fear of not being one.  The best stories are of people who live, and not survive.  There’s choices in living but none in survival.

Unless of course it’s a real survival story, those are cool.

Okay, I’m done.

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Another OBE

I just want to write real quick about the OBE I had a few days ago.

It started out as a regular dream.  I was laying down on a wooden floor in front of a fireplace, incredibly tired and just wanted to sleep.  My “parents” were there sitting on the couch.  “Parents” is in quotes because they weren’t my actual parents in real life, but in my dream these strangers were most definitely my parents.  We just moved into a new house and I had my own bedroom, but I fell asleep on the floor in the living room because my bedroom felt lonely and didn’t feel like “home” to me.

Parents – “Why don’t you sleep in your room?”

Me – “I’m too tired…..I don’t want to……”

And I was incredibly tired and half asleep.  The wood floor felt hard, but warm in front of the fireplace and I was comfortable and felt safe.

My “dad” picked me up and placed me on the couch.

This feels like it actually happened, in a past life or something.

And then I woke up at a retreat center for video gamers.  People who wanted to get away and play video games all day, but the games they had were old and sucked.  Paperboy was one of them, a nintendo game from the 1980’s.

I sat on the floor with two of my friends, two boys and a girl with punkish pink hair.  One of the boys said that if I was a soda flavor, I wouldn’t taste good.  That’s when I became lucid and realized what he said didn’t make any sense.

Me – “I wouldn’t taste good if I was soda?”

Him – “No way.”  And he started laughing.

The 3 young people seemed extremely familiar to me, like I knew them personally from other dreams.  I was completely lucid but felt like I met these three over and over again, and also been to that same video game retreat center repeatedly.

Me – “I know you!  You were in other dreams I had.  Do you remember me?”

They all shook their heads.  “We don’t know you.”

They got up to leave, visibly miffed by my comment.

The girl – “We never dreamt of you dude.”

I was irritated and confused.  Confused that those people and that place seemed so familiar.  I stood up and said, “look!  This is a dream!”  And started flying around the room.  I learned how to fly from previous lucid dreams and it’s not as easy as it sounds.  It’s pure will power.

Then I flew out of the building and was surrounded by darkness.  Not evil, just cloudy and I was losing lucidity.

Me – “This dream sucks, I better wake myself up or I’ll never get any rest.”

I opened my “eyes” and was outside my house in my backyard.

I specifically remember opening my eyes, it’s such a strange experience when this happens.  It’s the second time this happened, when I think I’m opening my real eyes only to open my celestial eyes.  I was out of body.  I could feel the dampness in the air, the wind on my face.  I looked down and saw a holographic computer screen hovering in front of me.  It was long and rectangular.  So bright.  All around me was dark, because of night.  But the screen was so bright.  I blinked a few times just to be sure of what I was looking at.  A perfect rectangle of light surrounded by the dead of night.

“Well, this is new.”

Yep definitely a computer screen.  It had images on it, but I couldn’t comprehend any of it or see it clearly.  I was too much in awe, or in shock to understand it.

Then I realized that I was “holding” the screen in-between my hands.  Like it was such a natural and intuitive impulse, to put my hands out as if I were to clap really loud, but instead, conjure up an astral computer screen.  If I narrowed or widened the length in-between my hands, the screen would stretch or narrow.

“Whoa.”

This all happened moments after opening my celestial eyes and then I heard a voice.

Voice – “Michael.”

Then a pause.

Me thinking – “Well, that’s new too.  I never heard a voice before.  Maybe I’m being called on a mission?”

I looked down at the computer screen thinking it would give me instruction.  Is Michael in trouble and I have to save him?

Then the voice started talking again, clearly as plain as day.  That’s when I realized it wasn’t a voice from a spirit guide, but my audiobook!  I could hear it so vividly.  I can’t hear anything while I’m having a regular dream, or a lucid dream.  My auditory senses get cut-off completely but while out of body, I can hear everything clear as day.

Me – “Huh, interesting.”

Not that that little bit of info will ever apply to me in waking life, but yeah.  While having an out of body experience, you can hear everything going on around your sleeping body.

I was let down because I really thought I was being called out on my first mission to save somebody.  I was amped up for it and ready to go, but no.  The audiobook ended up bringing me back to my bedroom in my body and the experience was over.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking.  That I’m completely off my rocker.  Something is seriously wrong with my brain.  But I swear I’m as normal as they come other than fear of commitment.

The girl I fired the other day, she has serious mental problems.  She twitches, squints her eyes quickly, talks loud and is argumentative, defensive.  Can you get a visual of the type I’m talking about?  Or is she too rare of a breed to be like any other?

Anyway, she’s the only person I know who has legitimate mental issues and so I asked her a few weeks ago if she ever had a lucid dream.  I wanted to know if there’s a correlation between emotional imbalances and fucked up dream experiences.

Her – “I dream of my teeth falling out all the time, it’s sort of like a lucid dream.”

Me – “Have you ever had auditory hallucinations?  Do you hear things when you fall asleep that aren’t there?”

I forgot what she said (this happened weeks ago), but the answer was no.  At least, not comparable to what I’ve experienced.

Me – “Have you ever had an out of body experience?”

Her – “Not that I know of.”

She’s the craziest person I know, but she hasn’t experienced what I have.

My blog is getting full of this shit.  I’m almost to the point of being embarrassed by it.  No no, I AM at the point of being embarrassed by it.  I don’t talk about it to anyone outside my blog.  And I’m the type who NEVER gets embarrassed.  Or at least, I’m not easily.  That’s why I dance and sing the way I do.  But this…..this embarrasses me.

And I can’t stop this crazy new notion that I have.  This idea, becoming solidified into an actual belief, that my thoughts impact EVERYTHING.

I’ve written about it before – loads in fact.  That thoughts have a profound impact on reality.  But it was only thoughts and idea’s, nothing substantial.

I have no clients today.  It’s wonderful.  And I want to write about this so bad, all this garbage inside my head – where do I start?  But I also hate writing long rambling posts.  Posts where I transfix and lose my rationality.  Those posts embarrass me more than anything, more than my out of body experiences.

I’ve experienced, several times now, that we are the universe.  I hit that high point of moksha, the point where you understand everything – I hit it a few times while ingesting powerful psychedelics, and once from simple meditation before falling asleep.

When I was a high schooler, keeping a journal, I made it my mission to find out exactly who I am.  I peeled layer after layer, but it was like an onion.  I found no pit at the center.

Me thinking – “Maybe if I’m as honest as I possibly can be, than I can know myself?”

So I wrote as honestly and as candidly as I could muster and realized my true self can only be found in my intentions, and digging even deeper, intentions can be found in desires.  I came to the conclusion that there is no “me”, only what I desire.

I learned about buddhism soon after that.  I learned that buddhism teaches you how to let go of desire.

Me – “Than there wouldn’t be any “me” left!”

I understood this, and didn’t understand it at the same time.  I understood the impossibility of it.

Me – “If I desire not having desires, I hit a brick wall.”

It has to happen by accident, just like anything in life.  You have to let it go before it actually comes to you.  Ayahuasca kept repeating this over and over to me.

But why?  How?

Without desire, we learn that we are in fact, the universe.  Without the “me” that separates us from it (our one true veil), we’re able to see reality and not delusion.

I read an article about a man who thought he was going to die.  He was at war, his shelter was about to get bombed.  He accepted death and in doing so, experienced moksha.  He saw his life flash before his eyes and with complete clarity, seen how and why he ended up at there at that exact point.  All his doing, all his choice, subconsciously his making.  He experienced himself as the universe – he unknowingly directed his path.

Desiring life is the biggest desire we can not overcome, no matter how suicidal.  The only way out of it is through acceptance, just as that man did when he accepted death.

We desire because we fear and our only one fear is that of death, all other fears stem from it.  We stop desiring when we stop being afraid to die.

Suicidal people have always fascinated me.  Any of us are free to kill ourselves anytime we want, no big deal.  Just opt out of this life.  You’ll be forgotten just like 99.99% of everyone else who ever lived, so why should it matter?  So if it doesn’t matter, why not live?  I mean, since we’re all going to die at some point anyway, why not ride it out to see what happens?

When I look at it from this view, suicide seems irrational, illogical.  It seems silly like a child throwing a tantrum.  I’ve always viewed it like this and I think that’s why I don’t take anything seriously because, well, who the fuck cares, right?  What does it matter?  I mean really.

Suicidal people have trouble accepting things.  When they try to control, fix, or change something, they only get themselves in deeper.  It’s karma.  When doing things out of fear, you dig yourself deeper.  Just like what happened with my business.

If we believe we can fix something, there wouldn’t be any fear of it.  We just do it and that’s that.  It’s a test, like Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey.  How far can you push yourself?  How much do you believe in yourself?  How far are you willing to go?

Finding your story is incredibly cathartic, I’ll save that for another post.  We should all know our story.

Anyway, where was I?

When I was just learning about this, I may have still been in high school, I don’t remember, but I thought if I purified my desires, I can be a good person.  If I kept my intentions at a healthy level of care and respect for others, I’ll be okay in life.  But then I dug deeper.  Why do I want to be good?  To be better than everyone else?  To obtain admiration?

It’s like organized religion.  Finding a way to one-up the next guy as a show of being more “tolerant” or more “forgiving” than any other organized belief system.  And it’s not even a belief system, not really.  People of organized religion don’t believe in god, they have faith in him and imo, faith ain’t worth shit.  That’s why I love the Jews.  They’re instructed to actually believe.

My saintly decision to be “good” was a sterile systematic approach to place myself higher than everyone else.  Like my shit don’t stink.  I was playing to the tune of my own organized religion.

That’s when I decided I had enough.  I stopped digging.  It was fruitless.  I hit a brick wall because of the impossibility of always having sheisty ulterior motives.  I couldn’t get over myself and my need to be the best, my need to control everything simply because I am the best/better than my counterparts.

Because as long as I was the best, I could control my level of fear.  I was emotionally stable because I was able to control my fear level and I did it through thinking that I was the best around.

 

***********************

It’s now the next day.  I had to end that post because I got a call from work telling me I had a client scheduled at 1:00 and it was already 1:10.  I stripped off my sweaty PJ’s, flung on pants and shirt and literally, I was there at work in 6 minutes flat.

Me – “I didn’t know I had a client.”

Employee – “She booked it this morning and I forgot to tell you.”

Me -“I’m still wearing yesterday’s underwear.”

Employee starts laughing.

My client, when she was laying on the massage table – “Do you do reiki?”

Me – “I don’t, I’m not much of a follower in it but I know a woman who does it.  She comes here and takes clients.  It’s the same price as a massage.”

Client – “That’s strange because I sense you’re more than a massage therapist.  There’s something about you.”

I swear to god, I’m not making this shit up.  She actually said that.

Me – “I’m a believer in other things.  I kind of suffer from out of body experiences.”

Client – “Me too!  This sounds weird but once I thought I was flying down a worm tunnel.”

Me – “Oh yeah, I went down a few of those too.”

Before I went in to massage her, I was feeling nuts.  I needed to feel normal again by talking to someone with similar experiences and guess what happened?  6 minutes later, I was massaging a lady who didn’t think I was crazy.

This is just one small example of how my thoughts been effecting things lately.

A few weeks ago, the toilet at work exploded.  Well, it didn’t explode, but the tank cracked right down the center and it happened at night when nobody was there.  So the damn thing was running for probably 8 hours before my employee walked in and seen the mess.  There was about 2 inches of water on the bathroom floor and it leaked into one of the massage rooms completely soaking it thru and thru.

I was at the eye doctor when this happened, sitting in the waiting room waiting to get called in.

Employee – “It’s flooded in here!  It’s a complete flood!”

I asked her to take pictures and send them to me, I asked if it smelled, if she can turn off the valve…etc.  I kept my shit together and called my Dad.  He just so happens to have a wet-vac.     We got everything cleaned up and next thing I knew, I was staring down the bowl of a brand new toilet.  I was praying for a new toilet!  The old one was stained and gross.

Me thinking – “I kind of want this thing to break.  How the hell can a toilet break though?”

If it broke, it would come out of my landlords pocket.  Not mine.

And that’s just what happened.  The day before the explosion, I scrubbed it clean and dropped one of those blue 1000 flushes in the tank wishing the damn thing would bust because it still looked dirty.

My esthetician, I prayed she’d get another job and last month she did just that.  Now she’s only here one day a week, if that.  But that’s hardly considered anything special since it was bound to happen.

I wished one of my therapists to work more so I wouldn’t have to rely on crazy Cara, and lo’ and behold…..

I wished Cara gave me a good reason to fire her, and she did.  She bitched out two of my employee’s before I fired her, which I didn’t even know about until yesterday.

I feel like if I don’t “need” something, if I don’t have a sticky attachment to whatever it is I’m griping about and instead just ride it out and soldier on, shit unfurls on its own.  But it’s happening expeditiously as of late.

I wrote my master plan, remember?  The one I took a picture of and posted?  Yeah well, part of the plan was to hire another therapist by October to help with those upgraded couples massages I want to sell again.  But it’s hard finding decent therapists to work as independent contractors.  Anyway, one of my IC’s is friends with an outstanding therapist who’s looking to move here and find a new job, can you guess which month?  October.  She’s going to start working here in October.  Just as I planned!

I can go on and on with this stuff…..the more I think about it, the more coincidences I can write about.  But I’ll stop here.

I just binge watched Orange is the New Black.  I watched 7 episodes all in one sitting, but I started watching it at 9:30 at night.  You can imagine what time it is now.  But it doesn’t matter.  In a few days I’ll be suffering from jet-lag.  I’m going to the forest festival in Anchorage to celebrate the fourth of July.  I leave on Wednesday and today is Monday morning.  Well, more like I leave tomorrow night, really really late tomorrow night.

I’m bringing my laptop, screw it.

Damn, what else did I want to write?

In my video game, The Witcher 3, there’s an old man sitting on the side of a trodden path that says, “Where’s your road wend?”

 

Damn, I want to write more about attachment and desire.  If I don’t write about it now, I’ll forget.  But I’m so freaking tired!

I’ll just write real quick that no, you can’t let go of all desire.  Not unless you devote your life to meditation or do psychedelics until moksha pours itself in to cement.  According to ayahuasca, it’s impossible to maintain this state for long.

But……you can let go of the things you can.  Even just a little bit of it, let it go.  And keep letting more go bit by bit.

Desire is not attachment, they come and go like cravings.  Attachment is when things get sticky.  The stuff that defines you and can’t live without.

Bit by bit, I’ve stripped myself of all fear about losing my business.  It’s not going to happen, not ever.  And that’s that.  And if it does, I start anew.  A tiring long road?  Possibly yes.  But it’s more tiring living in fear than it is to keep getting back up.

This is a state of mind that I trained for, it doesn’t come naturally or easy.  Severe worry and anxiety can break you into it.

 

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