Category Archives: random thoughts

4 Days Until Camino

I leave for my trip in T minus 4 days.

My mind is in shambles.  I’m laying here in bed – so unbelievably fucking comfortable you have no idea.  I’m warm, I’m fed, I’m loved, my life is grand and wonderful these days; I’ve even spoken with my lawyer today about the lawsuit and he says the whole case is stupid.  Literally, he called it stupid.

Him – “It’s a straight forward simple case.  You did nothing wrong and there was no way to prevent any of it from happening.  If I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.  You’ll be fine.”

I’ve never had a lawyer before and I’m sure they all say things like “it’ll be just fine” or “don’t worry about it” to their clients but in my case, it rings true.  There were literally no precautions or warning signs that I missed or could’ve foreshadowed.  It was all a roll of the dice.  Shit luck.

This was the first time he told me not to worry though.  Thanks buddy, you could’ve told me that sooner.  Before my mental breakdown and going through the 5 stages of grief hundreds of times over.

Anyhow, I’m truly loving my bed right now.  Oh God I love it.  I love Netflix.  I love doing nothing and this time of night (11pm) is the time I can get away with doing nothing.  I have a big plate of nothing all to myself.

So why’s my mind in shambles?

I had a long-ass summer.  It ended with me having to house sit two dogs and a cat for 10 days.  I just got home, when was it?  Yesterday?  I don’t know.  But during those 10 days I was up at the ass crack of dawn letting those dogs out to pee.  And at night, they had to sleep with me.  They taken up the whole bed to where I was sleeping horizontal on the mattress.  I’d wake up in the morning cranky as hell.  They’d wake me up with a paw to the face.

Both dogs like to lick.  They lick your face, your pants, your eyeballs, inside your mouth….etc.  One day as I was exiting the shower, I walked over to the bed where my clothes lay spewed out everywhere and there were the dogs on the bed with my clothes.  Both of them, at the same time, decided to lick my naked nipples.  Each of my nipples had a dog attached to it.

I felt so grossed out, I felt violated.  I just wanted to get dressed.  That’s all that I wanted.  But instead, there I was cold, wet, and had two dogs sucking at my teats.

I love home.  I love it so freaking much.  I want to stay here and hunker down for a while.  I want to be alone in a bunker.  But this can’t be, it’s not in the stars.  I leave in 4 days to go someplace opposite of being home, comfortable, well fed and feeling stunningly fantastic.  I’m going on a 35 day torture hike across Spain to lose weight.  To lose weight!  So I’m not one of the first to go during the zombie apocalypse.  I’d be able to run goddammit.

Whoever says it’s fun is full of shit.

I think I need to see a therapist.  I have a few friends who see therapists, so why shouldn’t I?  The major issue’s I want to address is my laziness and my lack of caring what people think of me.

Now, most people would say that that’s wonderful – it’s great and liberating to not care what others think but they’re wrong.  So way off the mark wrong.

Firstly, I don’t engage with people anymore.  I don’t care enough to engage with them.  I don’t care enough to, well, care about them.  Why?  Because I was a huge engager in the past and everyday the more I engaged, the more people expected it.  At the end of the day, none of it mattered.  No matter what I did, it was never permanently good enough and when it was good enough, the next day I had to be even better.

I went the other way.  It’s not that I don’t care exactly, it’s more like I stopped trying.  I don’t try with people anymore.  My office manager pointed this out to me last night over a few pints.  I pointed it out to myself about a month or so ago.

As far as the laziness goes…..”how the hell can you be lazy and walk across Spain then?”  Is what you’re thinking.  The thing with that is, laziness is a privilege.  Laziness is not just about laying around, it’s a mind-set.  It’s a mind-set of complete and utter ease.  No worries.  No responsibilities.  Just freedom of all problems.

My type of laziness, the kind I’m talking about, it’s my personal drug of choice.  And it’s addicting as hell.  It’s better than anything else out there on the market.  Not even beer can hold a candle to it.

Basically, I can’t be both fat and lazy.  They cancel each other out.  I won’t feel completely at ease again until I lose at least 25 pounds.  Hence, the Camino and why I have to walk it (again).

If everyone experienced the same type of laziness that I experience, everyone in the world would be their own boss, have a clean conscience and stay healthy.  Having a clean conscience also affects how well I can rest and relax.  All vexes must be aired out and all foibles on my part must be atoned for.

Delicious laziness to extreem.  Extreem power resting.  Angelic homeostasis.  Until I start trying with people and it all goes to shit when it’s never enough.  Best to stay under the radar.

I’d tell these things to my shrink but what good will it do?

Does everyone experience the same type of lazy bliss?  The same natural habitat of my resting mind?  It’s my home base.  The place I can always return to once all else is settled.  To take my bra off and let the pups lick my nips….no.  That’s disgusting.

But you know what I mean?  A place where I can’t be hurt.  Not by myself nor by any others.

I don’t think people grasp it the same way I do.  They either don’t get it or decided to live a lie – a lie they reason with as being their only viable option.

I downloaded 18 audiobooks for my 500 mile journey.  If the actual walk doesn’t change me, I’m sure one of those books will.  My goal is to want to try again with people.  But this time, I’ll make it enough for me and not care if it’s not enough for them.  That’ll be my emotional goal this time around but my main focus is losing 25 pounds.

I don’t need a therapist, just give me a pen and paper.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under All about me, camino de santiago, journal, random thoughts, Self help, Travel

Holy Shit I’m a Millennial

People constantly complain about Millennials not wanting to work but still expecting everything to be handed to them.  I never suspected I was one of these people until last night.

I don’t want to do anything.  I don’t want to work.  And I expect I will be taken care of, always.

But what happens if all Millennials are like me?  Who’s going to make our buttons?  Who’s going to sell me toilet paper?

The people who are stuck in debt and/or have to take care of a family.  Those people can make buttons and sell toilet paper.  I ain’t doing it.  It’s not for me.  I deserve better.

I’m a goddamned fucking Millennial.

I was born in 1980.  The tail end of generation X and the start of the new era of Millennials.  I got the best of both worlds.  Kids of generation X consisted of punks dressing up like homeless rockers and the girls dressed like farmers.  I dressed like a homeless farmer which I still do most days.

Gen X’s only culture is that of pop.  We basically have no other culture.  Our culture is fleeting and superficial.  Based purely on enjoyment, on looking cool.  Idolizing famous people simply because they are famous.  We are a generation without substance.  A generation that lacks any real hardships.  If you consider our holidays as culture and tradition, we are gifted presents on those days – presents we didn’t earn, but expect we’ll receive none-the-less.  We feel like we deserve them.  Are entitled to them.

Our parents come from a different era.  An era where if they didn’t work, they didn’t eat.  If their family grew in size, the husband would build an addition to the house himself.  Not expecting anyone else to do it for him.  And he’d take pride in it.

I believe my generation lacks pride.  Kids who grew up playing video games 24/7 and crying if they didn’t get a toy in their happy meal, how can they have pride?  They grow up soft and doughy, needing glasses from having their faces shoved in front of a computer screen all day.  They don’t care if they can’t lift a 2 by 4, someone else will do it for them.  They’ll call their Grand-pappy over to have them fix their plumbing problems or electrical work.

In our parents (possibly grandparents) generation, women weren’t treated equally in the job-force which in turn made them devout mothers and care-takers.  Our Dad’s brought home the bacon and our Mother’s served it to us on expensive plates ironically made in China.

If you broke a plate, you would get scolded.  Not like today where parents tell their kids, “don’t worry hun, it’s just a plate.”

Respect and appreciation for material possessions has plummeted.  That’s one key factor that give Millennials their attributes.  Their appreciation lies with what they don’t have.

Back in the day there were no cheap Walmarts, no GPS, no cell phones.  No franchises that cut labor costs.  A pair of shoes cost a weeks wages. We are a generation of Walmart shoppers who never get lost and all our friends live in our pockets via smart phone.  Have we ever known fear?

The best part of the day for a husband was dinner-time and the best part for the wife was afternoon soap-opera’s and putting the kids to bed.  Simple pleasures and a simple yet less convenient life.

The revolution started over a hundred years ago.  The womens suffrage movement which completely obliterated marriage as the sole means of survival for upcoming generations.  We’re a generation standing on that movement.  It’s our foundation.  We are born in freedom that we didn’t earn ourselves and we don’t know what to do with.  Divorce comes easier with each passing year.

We’re a generation expecting choice and freedom.  If something goes against our expectations (such as work), we get confused and don’t understand what we did wrong to deserve such hardships.  And since we’re not a prideful generation, we’re not above whining like spoiled doughy brats with ruddy cheeks and buggery noses.

And I’m one of them.  I’m a stupid lazy Millennial.  The only thing I have to contribute to the future of the world is my uterus which I refuse to do on accounts it will stifle my freedom and kick me back into the middle-ages of having to make buttons and sell toilet paper.

***************************

I’m going to be 50 in 12 years.  I just realized that today over lunch with a friend who will also turn 50 in 12 years.

The first 12 years of my life were monumental.  They lasted a lifetime.

Me thinking – “Wow I’m only 12 and I know so much already!  I’ll be a freaking genius by the time I’m 24!”

I remember thinking that when I was 12.

Little did I know that my brain would stop developing that year.

12 years ago I was 25.  I’m still that same 25 year old.  In fact, I’m still that same 12 year old.

Knowledge doesn’t accumulate.  It doesn’t double every 7 years like with a savings bond.  My question is why?  The first 12 years (not counting my 13th year since that’s the year hormones kick in), I learned everything I needed to know for the rest of my life.  I understood the basics of it.

All I’ve done since then is refine and enhance the knowledge I learned in my first 12 years of life.  The only thing I added was inches to my height.

It doesn’t have anything to do with how much I retain over the years.  It has more to do with values.  In those first 12 years, I established my values.

This is all my opinion, not backed up by science or surveys.  Read for entertainment purposes only.

I believe my entire personality, my true character is established solely on my values (maybe I learned this in psych class?  I don’t know).

And if my values were instilled in me by the tender age of 12, all the subsequent years that followed has either hardened my resolve or weakened my soul.  In other words, since my beliefs have already been established, they are either reinforced or broken down over the course of time since adolescence.

I believe (still, this is all conjecture), that we go through cycles of being broken down and built up again.  Like a spiral, the golden ratio.  When we start sucking our spirals back into ourselves like a strand of spaghetti, back to its origin – we break down.  But when we exhale it all out, like we’re giving, not receiving, we are essentially growing and strengthening our character.  Widening it enough to fit in more of the world.  Until that is, we get scared to death and have to suck it all back in again.

***********************

The older we get, the harder it is to break us.  Like a bone that’s already been broken, we’re harder to break the second time.  And because of this, we become less pliable, more set in our ways, afraid to venture outside protocol.  We lose our fascination and wonder because we’re too tired to break down our belief system yet again only to have to rebuild it once more.

Unsubstantiated pride is the glue that holds belief structures together.  But it doesn’t make us stronger, it makes us brittle.  Stubbornness equals brittleness unless the pride that binds has merit.

If my beliefs, my value’s, my personality and character were all imbued in me by the time I was 12, that also means that what I dream of most in life has also been determined.  My fascinations and curiosities were apart of me from the start.  Before I threw them overboard to the wretched urchins of the sea.

It’s our fascinations and curiosities that contain our unique gifts.  And because of their fragility, they are the first to go when life gets messy.  “Jettison all that is unnecessary for fear it will sink us.”

The generations that came before us, most of the people who lived in those times were tied to a repressed culture.  A culture in which they had to work in order to survive, their well deserving pride provided them with existential purpose.  They worked hard to figure out puzzling problems, knew how to read maps and stars.  They couldn’t refer to a YouTube channel on how to make the perfect turtle soup, they had to learn by trial and error.

They had to chop off the chickens head themselves, sort of speak (or literally).  A type of appreciation Millennials know nothing about.

These days, every answer we seek is a mouse click away.  Every inch of the world has already been mapped.  All the awesome idea’s ever fathomed can be admired on Pinterest while you tilt your head in envy and murmur, “I wish I thought of that.”

We might be the very first generation who got an applause for using the potty.  We get applauded for accomplishing small everyday necessities while not having to use our heads for life’s most intricate problems – we have Google and psychiatrists for that.  All the legal drugs at our fingertips accompanied by copious amounts of information that we didn’t work out ourselves.

There’s an answer for everything and it’s either in the form of a pill, or a YouTube video.

Millennials didn’t earn their stubbornness the good old fashioned way by trial and error.  They learn it from pop culture, they are swayed by the popular vote.  They go with whatever thought process is in style at the time.  They depend on others to tell them how to think or how to feel because they never had to work out problems on their own.  They value the information inside a computer more than they value their own judgment.  And this was infused in them before they turned 12.  The most crucial years for discovering individuality and purpose.

They’ll become brittle, weak adults with no heart in the marrow of their bones.  No merit infusing their belief system.

We’re sucking in that strand of spaghetti more than we’re expanding its reach.  We’re more likely to kill ourselves over feeling helpless and hopeless rather than take pride in what we already have or do.  How can we have pride if every 6-year old can earn a black belt simply by showing up for class and paying his dues on time?

Unsubstantiated pride is the blunder of todays youth.  And I’m sitting on my throne as the Mother Queen of all Millennials.

I was born lazy.  It taken me 2 long weeks passed my due date just to leave the womb.  And although I was 14 at the time the internet went global, it became the love of my life.  Almost as if I knew it was coming and I merely waited all the preceding years until its arrival.

I don’t think, I click.

I don’t create, I copy.

I don’t cut off the proverbial chickens head myself, my mom buys Purdue at the grocery store.  And the chickens of the future won’t even have heads.

You don’t have to expend your energy by judging or hating me for any of this, I already hate and judge myself.

*******************

Everyone is born with a gift.  Everyone’s life embodies Joseph Campbell’s philosophical story map.  The same map that every story ever told has used.

This image is where I got the idea for the spiral I mentioned earlier.  Constant change and constant adaptions that spiral out and build off the old.  In my depiction of it, you’ll never arrive back where you started, it’s never a full circle.  Eventually the Hero gets tired and decides to plop down once and for all.  He’s done, he’s had it.  Enough bullshit.

**************************

I drank coffee today.  You see what happens when I drink coffee?  Almost 2000 words, that’s what happens.  The majority of it gibberish.

Leave a comment

Filed under philosophy, random thoughts

Eye contact

I was at the bar the other day.  Not sure which bar on which day, but the devil is in the details so I try to forget them.

Anyway, I was at the bar and a grown man playing Pokemon on his iPhone looked up at me as I strode by him.  He took one glance before resuming his quest of capturing monsters.

I, like him, have trouble figuring out what to say to people if I accidentally make eye contact.

With my breath held, his sweaty eyes beaming into mine, the awkwardness, the itchiness, it was soon over when he turned back to his game.

I exhaled.  Whew.  Thank you for turning away.

My day is littered with these little moments.  Or episodes I should say.  They vary in degree’s of severity.

I find my friends sitting at a table and I join them.  I join them by sitting down and politely sipping my beer while listening to them talk and balk and…..make eye contact.  The more eye contact is made, the politeness of my sips become more and more aggressive.  Beer dribbles down my chin and onto my shirt.  I excuse myself to the restroom to tidy up but I’m not actually tidying up.  I’m making eye contact with myself in the mirror.

Eye contact with myself is my specialty.  I can do it for long stretches at a time before my face starts to look distorted in my peripherals.

“It’s just eye contact Melanie.  The windows to the soul, the depths and breadths of man, truth incarnate, intimacy.  A commitment to either do or don’t.”

After my secret pep talk, I rejoin the others in our shared quest to see who is the funniest and wittiest in the bunch and crown them king or queen for the night by bequeathing them with unrelenting eye contact.

 

1 Comment

Filed under random thoughts

Entering into the Glory Days: My New Chapter in Life

My Dad woke me up today at 8am after I had a late night of 7-8 beers and little sleep.

Dad – “Mel”

Me – no answer

Dad – “MEL!”

Me – “Yeah…..”

Dad – “We’re leaving now for Atlantic city.”

Me – “Yeah….”

I fell back to sleep for what seemed like a few hours until I hear my Dad again outside my bedroom door….

Dad – “Mel”

I waited for the second, more boisterous MEL to jolt me awake, but it never came.  Then I thought to myself, “what are they still doing here?  Didn’t they leave?”

Me thinking – “Oh God, they did leave.  So who’s outside my door?”

Rational brain – “It was an auditory hallucination, don’t panic.  You’re still half asleep.”

Then my alarm went off about a minute after I heard ghost Dad calling me.  I slammed on the snooze.

My brother’s in Rhode Island with my dog and I’m all alone in the house until Tuesday.  I’m already creeped out.  It sounded so real!  An exact echo of this morning when my Pop first woke me.

I’ve had auditory hallucinations before but never like this.  The crap I hear is usually heavy machinery, 20 TV’s turned on and blaring, one time when I was a kid I heard a news bulletin but I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying.

I only hear stuff when I’m super stressed, I drank too much, and/or had little sleep.  It’s annoying when it happens.  It is NOT a spiritual awakening, it’s science that we haven’t figured out yet.

But anyways, I made a pledge to myself that I’m going to start the p90X workout tomorrow.  90 days of pain.  I don’t want to do it because it cuts into my laying around time, but I have no choice.  And plus I left behind my only pair of sneakers in Italy – I need to wear sneakers or my ankles get sore (learned from last time I did P90X).  So now I need to buy a pair of new freaking sneakers.

I’ve been hiking up my big little mountain most days.  I push myself to do it and it has gotten way easier, but I still feel like a fat slug.  I still don’t feel my best, my confidence is low.   My pants aren’t getting any looser.

It’s taking way too long is what I’m getting at.

I’m highly determined when it comes to certain things but I’m equally as lazy.  How can I be both?

I’m determined when it comes to things infringing upon my laziness.  I can’t enjoy being lazy if I’m fat and progressively getting fatter – the enjoyment plunges and morphs itself into self-hate.  I swear to god, I know I sound dramatic but it’s true.  My favorite activity (laying around) becomes tainted, no longer care-free enjoyment if I can’t run to save my life.  Eventually I’ll need one of those electric chair thingy’s to do my Walmart shopping in and clearly that’s unacceptable.

Why do I enjoy being lazy?  Because that’s the place where everything settles at the bottom.  The waters become still.  I can finally think and clear my head, to see straight down into the muck of the person I am.  No other activity welcomes me as much as mucking around the still waters.  It demands so little of me (none of me if you want to get zen with it).

My laziness started around mid-May and now it’s June 25th.  The chronic worry I faced during the initial onset of my retirement is subsiding and being replaced with insomnia.

I’m a night owl by nature.  Night is when I come alive.  And since I don’t have to wake up early anymore, the combination of being awake at night and sleeping in is seriously messing with my circadian rhythm.  I had insomnia 4 days in a row last week and I haven’t suffered like that in years prior.

So tomorrow I’m going to FootPrints to buy sneakers, then heading back home to start day one of the P90X.  It should quell my insomnia to some degree.  Seriously, P90X is no joke.  It’s an hour of pure ass-kicking.

These past 4 years of working 70 hours a week has taken its toll just as I knew it would.  Yet another reason why I hate giving massage – it makes me fat.

But what blows my mind is – I foreseen all this happening.  Almost like I planned it.  I knew my body would be a wreck at the end but I also knew as soon as my time freed up, I would do something about it.  I’m not just all talk.  I’ve never been all talk.  I planned for this and I’m actually following through.

As far as my business goes…..

Have you ever looked back on a certain time in your life when everything seemed easy and fun?  Like an old job you out-grew, but loved the time you spent working there?

I’m horribly sentimental to a fault and I kept wondering over and over again ever since opening my business; “if I look back on this time in my life, would they be fond memories?  Easy and fun, filled with loving people?”

The answer I always found myself with is No.  No this is not a fun time and no I would not look back on it fondly.

That is until now.  I’m living in that time right now.  The time when everything is perfect.  I can look back on this present moment and say, “Best time ever.”

I’ve been waiting for this moment since opening.  And if you completely disregard the pending lawsuit, things will only get better from here on out.

I think things are good now but you just wait…it’ll get even better.  You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.

My receptionist has a lot to do with it.  She ties everything together.  She’s even throwing us an employee party at her house which is ultimate in strengthening the bonds we share.  The stronger the bonds, the more powerful the business.

I feel like I’m reliving my 20’s.  The ease and flow of life when you’re young, it’s all coming back.  Complete with care-free’s, no responsibilities, and following the fun.

When I look back on last summer, the only thing I remember about it is my spontaneous 5 days off.  I had 5 days off in a row, it wasn’t planned.  It just happened.  The rest of the time was spent on stress and one disaster following another.

So far this has been the best summer of my life.  Well, technically 1986 was my favorite summer since I thought it lasted an entire year (I was 6).  I graduated kindergarten and waited for first grade to start but it never came.  I remember asking someone if I had to wait a year until I can go to the first grade and they said, “it’s not a whole year, just the summer.”

But yeah….this is the best year of my life.  I can’t get over it.  And it’ll only get better!  As long as I keep the weight off and stay healthy, age won’t be a bother.  I have nothing but the best years still ahead of me.  And it all began last month.  It’s only been a month of this!

And according to my poor math skills, I’ll have an extra $2000 in the bank starting next month.

Don’t get me wrong, life still sucks.  I can never stop the suck completely, it’ll always be there.  All I’m trying to do is make the best out of the suck.  Despite the suck, I will enjoy what there is.  I laugh in the face of the suck.

******************************

I sat outside on our back porch today – just for a few minutes.  I went out there to throw a recyclable away and as soon as I slid open the sliding glass door, I was hit in the face with a beautiful day.  Literally, I felt it hit my face.

Me – “Wow, it’s so nice out.”

Me thinking – “We are floating in pitch-black darkness surrounded by nothingness.  No air to breathe, no plant or animals, not even gravity.  Nothing.  Just coldness and the sporadic clump of debris that formed into an orb due to gravity.  We are on such an orb.  One orb of debris out of infinity.

I HAD to sit down to think about this.  To look at the tree’s, the sky, feel the breeze, the colors and brightness, hear the birds chirping.  How are we even here?

I’m part of the earth, it made me.  I’m a natural part of it.  But why me exactly?  Why Me specifically?  My thoughts don’t feel natural, they don’t feel born from the earth.

Language, which I feel is the deciding factor between beast and man, allows these unnatural thoughts to occur.  Language creates a barrier between us and the universe.  We are not it and it is not us.  Language is nothing more than an evolved form of basic survival.  It came strictly from ego, our fear of death.  It’s both linear and restrictive and forms us into everything we are.

The sad truth is that there is no me.  I’m nothing but just another animal born from science.  No better or different from any other animal that lived.  Language is the biggest obstacle that makes us think otherwise.  Like we’re special, we’re separate.  It’s the biggest lie ever told.

Once you grasp this, I mean REALLY grasp it, it shatters your world.  You will suffer ego death (which feels like dying for real) and reemerge as the buddhist monk who ordered his hot dog “One with everything.”

It’s like you have to study really hard, learn all that you can and when you’re ready – forget it all.  Wipe the slate clean because it’s all false, it’s limited thinking, it’s not as real as now.

But now you have a base-line to shoot from.  If not for all you learned, you wouldn’t have a place to plant your feet.  Language is a place holder.  Until you swap it out for something better, what existed before you will continue to exist unchanged.

I’m clearly transfixing dammit.  I hate when I do that.

Shit I hope I sleep tonight.  I’m hungry.

Tomorrow is a big day filled with new sneakers and kicking my own ass.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

It’s Life, Actually

It’s June now.  Good old summer is here.  And I’m laying in bed at 8PM on a Saturday.

Okay okay, I know I’m being lazy, but I don’t do this all the time.  I’ve been really social lately, more so than I imagined I’d be.  I’m actually proud of myself for it.  And I’ve been staying true to exercise.  I’ve been hiking and rollerblading just like I promised I’d do.

I’m keeping up on myself.  Making sure I don’t slouch my life away.  It’s hard not to be a slouch when I don’t have to work anymore.  I have to make a conscious effort just to get up and at least go for a walk.  “It’s just a walk Melanie.  You can do that.”

And then after my walk, I somehow have a surplus of motivation to get in touch with people I haven’t seen in a while.  Everybody I ditched from when I had to work 70 hours a week.  It always happens after I take a walk.  A walk that I have to make a conscious effort to take.

****************************************

I’ve been redefining my definition of love.  I always thought love meant that you cared about someone.  That you look out for them and keep their best interests at heart.  But this definition depresses me because it’s the “movie” kind of love.  It’s not real.  Assuming a person cares about you is the worst assumption you can make.  It sets you up for the worst kind of heart break imaginable.

In the end, all people care about is what they can gain from you.  What you offer them.  And if they like what you’re selling, they’ll love you for it.  Heck, they might even become addicted to it.  They may become in need of it and when they reach that phase of need, most people consider that love.

No matter what angle I look at it from, this is it.  The harsh reality.

I’m honing in on the unreciprocated kind of love.  The one-sided deal.  I love people, but in my own way.  The kind of love I’m talking about can handle rejection.

I’ve narrowed down what love is in one sentence;  Being happy that a person is alive (or has lived).

You don’t want or need anything from them, but just the mere fact that they are alive, brings you joy.  And therefore love.  It’s not even unrequited love because you don’t want them to love you back.  Sometimes even preferring that they don’t in some instances.

“Just do your thang man, I love ya bro.”

It’s the most basic kind of love.  It’s the kind of love people have for movie stars they’ll never meet, or fallen hero’s that died for a cause – you love them for merely existing.  “Thank you for your service” kind of love.

A new baby has entered the world.  They contribute nothing, drain you of money and sleep, but you still manage to love them merely for existing.

It’s a primal, earthly love that is lost to us in youth.  When we stop buying Teen Beat magazine and pining over Ralph Macchio.

Granted, you should never idolize anyone, I’m not saying that.  But you can appreciate their existence from afar.

After puberty, most kids stop appreciating from afar when they learn other needs can be met in closer vicinity.  Needs such as sex, or an egoic need that makes them feel good about themselves.  It has nothing to do with appreciation and it’s all about what they can get.

It’s like they stopped dreaming and started settling.  They settled for immediate gratification obtained through the use of another person.  And if that person stops procuring what they need, they get dumped.

I’m trying my hand at the unattached kind of love.  It’s like hippie love, but I’d rather think of it as the most basic primal love there is.  A love that we lost interest in since it’s not obtainable.  It can’t be controlled.

You love a person for merely existing, so let them exist.  Don’t interfere.  Add to their life, not destroy it by means of control or jealousy.   Because you’re afraid of losing them.  Afraid of losing someone that defines your own existence.

If you love someone, let them exist.  Appreciate them.

If I can find someone who’s able to love this way, I’ll marry them and never let him out of my site.  You can’t trust those damn hippies with their enigmatic gravitational energy.

*************************************

The doctor thinks my Dad might have prostate cancer.

My brother – “Don’t google it.”

He know’s how much I like to Google things.  But I took his advice and have not done so.

My Pop went in for a routine blood check and found out he has a large number of a certain type of blood cell associated with prostate cancer.  The doctor wants to wait a month to see if they rise again.

I’ve always been a proponent of unattached love.  When I’m at my strongest, I’m invincible to all heartache.  I don’t let anything beat me down.

But that’s never been the case with my parents.  I’m attached to them big time.  I need them.  I’ll never be able to let go.  So this whole prostate thing, it can’t happen.

I’m not Googling it.  I can’t.  I won’t.

I can’t do this thing they call life.

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

Half of us are infected by toxoplasma!

I woke up and went to work today to massage one client scheduled at 12 noon.  Then I went to hike up my big little mountain.

It kicks my ass with each attempt.  I’ve been up and down that thing at least 4 times now and it’s not getting any easier.  Today was harder than the last time.

But I shall keep at it.  It’s either hike or rollerblade.  No other forms of exercise excite me.  At least, none that are free.  My goal is to hike the scarecrow out of me.  So I can connect my mind to my flabby body.  And I’m preparing myself for another trek.  When and where this trek will be, I don’t know yet.  I actually looked into trekking the entire Wall of China (After watching the movie The Wall).  But I’d die for sure so I scrapped that idea.

Today is May 17th and I’ve been greatly enjoying my free time away from massage.  YouTube especially has sucked me into its clutches.  I learned so much already!

The purpose for today’s entry is to write about what I’ve learned so I don’t forget it.

Years ago I invested in a cleanse.  I swallowed pills that killed unwanted parasites, drank a thick ghastly shake, and finished off my treatment with a special tea brewed twice a day.  Long story short, this concoction gave me Dermatographic urticaria, aka the skin writing disease.  I developed the itch during my purported cleanse.

You can always find me scratching.  My arms, my head, my knee’s….etc.  Worse when I’m stressed.  It gets real bad whenever I eat TV dinners for some reason.

I’ve learned in my time away from work, that that cleanse actually did rid me of my parasites.  But unfortunately for me, they were good parasites.

This is nuts but it makes perfect sense!  The way they describe it I mean, it’s astounding.  Each person has his or her own eco-system.  No two people have the same set of parasites in their body.  Not only do they not have the same set, but there are so many parasites out there, we harbor trillions of them per person, and it’s more likely that you will have not one parasite in common with your neighbors parasites.  You carry with you a species of parasites unique to your body that no other person has.

You can find your particular little eco-system of bugs in your very own belly button.  Sick people however, don’t harbor many bugs in their navel.  The less you have stored there, the sicker you are.

Oh and get this!  People who have allergies, have them because their ancestral body – their coded DNA, had it’s mind set on fighting off parasites from day one but now that people are hand sanitizing crazies, our body fights itself instead.  Not necessarily fights itself, but overreacts to the smallest triggers.  It overreacts because they are just like the bored cops in my hometown, they got nothing better to do.

And that’s what originated my itch.  My good parasites that were unique to me, has taken flight and now my histamines pounce on any pressure given to my skin because they’re not battling it out with my forgotten brethren who lost the battle.

I’ve been trying to get that parasite back.  I’m starting to eat unwashed fruits and vegetables, eating sushi like crazy, yesterday I ate raw angus beef that was supposed to cook itself in my soup, but it didn’t quite make it.

There’s even a certain mix of parasites that cause obesity, or a slow metabolism.

And listen to this!  This is even crazier!  There’s a parasite called toxoplasma and half of us already carry it.  You want to know what it does?  First I’ll tell you what it does to mice.  Over the course of thousands of years, mice learned how to run and hide at first site of a predator.  Particularly cats.  Toxoplasma basically turns all those years of evolutionary instincts into irreverent fodder.  Mice now leap out at cats.  Not attacking the cat, but subserviently waiting to be eaten by it.

Why cats?  Because toxoplasma can only reproduce in cat guts!

And they did a study on how it effects humans and it is said that those with toxoplasma take more risks than those who are not infected.  I mean come on now, this shit is wack,  Amirite?

It’s makes you wonder if we truly are in charge of our thoughts and actions.  I say we’re not in control, I’ve been saying it forever, ayahuasca even mentioned we’re not in control.

I want to make a separate post describing all the psychological reasons as to why we’re not in control, but it’s going to be a fat hog of a post.  I need to invest real time when I tackle that beast.

Anyway, it’s 8:40PM and I need to wind myself down for the night.  I need an early cut-off time with my blog otherwise I have trouble sleeping.

Tomorrow I’m going rollerblading.  Then maybe Cheshire Coffee with my blog, we’ll see.  Oh god I love not working.  OMFG I lurve it.  I need to enjoy it while it lasts.

I also want to write about water memory.  It’s insane!  Insane I tell you!  Insane in the membrane of water.

All of this stuff I’m learning can be tied neatly together in the biggest, baddest, most epic sci-fi novel ever created.  Chock full of all this shit.  Both fiction and fantasy with the reader not knowing the difference.  Just like Orsen Wells, that cheeky bastard.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, random thoughts

The ATM mugged me

This lawsuit has really gotten into my head and warped it.

I went to the bank today to deposit all the cash money I saved towards my bankruptcy fund and ended up accusing the ATM for eating $370 of it.

I flipped the fuck out.  I wanted to cry.

Remember that dream I had?  The one where I was eating money so nobody could steal it?  Yeah, well, I subconsciously feel like somebody is out to take my money.  That’s what I mean when I say the lawsuit warped my mind.  It got to me on the deepest levels of my psyche.  Not even $50,000 of debt had the capacity to do that.

So there I was at the ATM, subconsciously thinking that people want to steal my money.  I had NO idea what my mind was concocting behind the scenes.  No clue this was lurking in the shadows.

That particular wad of cash was symbolic.  Not like the other times I deposited money.  This time I was handing out my safety net, feeding it to the beast.  The cog of economy.  My subconscious was irate at this ATM for taking away my only security.

Long story short, I went through the rigamarole of filing a claim.  I was at the bank for at least 20 minutes.  The chubby girl helping me was so smart and kind and actually calmed me down because she wasn’t a dumb ass.  She was patient.  She was even patient towards the dumb ass banker on the phone with her.

After I was done, the claim filed and the missing money credited into my account, I walked over to the teller.

Her – “Did everything work out okay?”

Me – “Yeah, everything’s fine.  They actually credited my account.”

Her – “That’s good to hear.”

I handed her the money to deposit instead of going to the ATM again and that’s when I seen it.  The rest of my deposit money.

Me – “I made a mistake.”

Her – “Yes?”

Me – “I found the missing money.”

Both the tellers laughed and said “these things happen.”

The Chubby girl who helped me didn’t laugh.  I wasn’t laughing either.

This shit never happens to me – NEVER.  That damn lawsuit snaked its way in.  I’m starting to fall in line with the rest of the stupid lame ass adults not having a clue.  They’re clueless because of their snakes!

Granted, I haven’t eaten or drank any water before then and it was already 2:00, and my 2-year old cousin/nephew died last week.  But still….

Utter embarrassment.

I went to work to see my receptionist.  She’s buying us tickets to the Colosseum and the Vatican so we can skirt the line.  I filled my big empty Nalgene bottle with cold filtered water and chugged half of it.

Then I went hiking up my big little mountain on an empty stomach.

Brutal.  God awful brutal it was.  My stomach was so empty but I STILL wanted to puke.

I think I’m going again tomorrow.  Up the big little mountain.  On a full stomach this time.

********************

It’s happened.  My retirement from massage.  This is my second day off and I already feel well-rested.  But it doesn’t matter how well rested I am as long as snakes are snaking their way into my skull.  My only protection from them is acknowledgment.  Yes I see you and yes I am clearly affected by your presence.

Snake – “Sssssso waddya goin’ to do about it hmmm?”

I’m going to keep you in my sites.

Snake – “You can’t essscape your problemssss no matter how much you mull over them.  I am a part of you now.”

Not unless I keep you separated.  You can’t grow roots if you’re cut off.

Snake – “You underestimate my debtsssss.  I am beyond your control.”

Rational Brain where the hell are you?

Rational Brain – “I’m patiently waiting for you to stop talking to your multiple personalities so we can play Persona 5.”

Speaking of Persona 5, it’s about a group of high schoolers who’re able to enter into the metaverse and steal peoples hearts.  According to this video game developer, people become warped and distorted by desire.  The high schoolers don’t actually steal hearts, they steal peoples deepest desires – their most prized possessions.

But the developer got it wrong.  It’s not desires that warp people, it’s fear.  They should’ve made it “fears” they were stealing, not desires.  Desires are fleeting and nobody really knows what they want anyway.  Only self-actualized people know what they want and you don’t see many of them walking about these days.

If my desires got stolen right now, the Phantom Thieves would find a plate of cheesecake.  Or maybe rice pudding…..yes…..rice pudding.

Rational Brain – “You are such an old man!  Rice pudding?  Seriously?”

Snake – “I’m going to ssssteal the rice in your puddingssss.”

Really cold vanilla rice pudding, yum!

Rational Brain – “You want to know how to protect yourself from that snake?  Laugh at it, that’s how.  You have to be strong enough to laugh at your problems before they turn into demons and what I mean by strong, I mean have the courage to not be afraid of them.  Didn’t you already write about this a whole bunch?”

Yes, but I keep forgetting….

Snake – “And why do you think that issss?  Hmmm?  Tee hee hee.”

My true self is funny, sometimes uproariously so.  I made one of my therapists cry laughing yesterday – literally she was crying.  She needed a tissue.  And what I want in life is to truly be left in peace, so I can write a book.  And drink at bars.  And go to coffee shops and museums and hike the woods and see temples and mountains and eat LOADS of weird food.  To paint my pictures and play my games.

Rational Brain – “As long as you know what you want, you know who you are.  You are not your problems.  You like to make others happy, and you really do appreciate life.  That’s who you are.”

I can’t let this virus, this lawsuit change me.  I have to laugh at it.  No matter what happens, I have to believe I’ll be okay.

The business scored a 4.8 out of 5 stars from over 600 votes and we made almost $800 today.  Today I managed to pull an emotional 180 and hiked till I puked.

Rational Brain – “I’d say you had a lively day, now game time!”

Whew, yes.  Game time.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under All about me, journal, random thoughts, Self help

Happy St Patty’s Day?

Whenever I’m stressed and worried, I can’t do much else.  I hunker down and do nothing but wait.  I count the days until my next reprieve and this time around, it happens in May.

I have two stresses at the moment and the most protrusive is my looming lawsuit, for obvious reasons.  I’d rather undergo a root canal than get sued.  I’d rather break an arm, or have a large portion of my intestines removed.

My second stress is the onslaught of clients my little business is enduring.  We have approximately 180 signature couples massages left to be redeemed.  180 that are not yet expired (we have 90 that are already expired).  And we have around 300 single person massages left which I’m not the least bit concerned about.

All of them expire by the end of next month which leaves me with glorious May to look forward to.

My calculations were correct and the business can survive monetarily until the end of April, just barely, but it’ll survive.  Then there will be room for regular priced clients.

Truth be told, this lawsuit couldn’t have happened at a better time.  Hold on now, let me tell you why.  I’m not being sarcastic.

First of all, if they sued me while I was in all that debt, I wouldn’t have been able to hire a lawyer.  Not only that, but when it came time to go bankrupt, I not only would have to bankrupt my business, but suffer personal bankruptcy as well – I’d have no reserves to pull from to start over again especially if I was still stuck at my shitty old location.

If they sued me a year from now, when I have a decent pile of money saved towards a house – that money would be wiped away.

However, if they sue me now, while I still have debt to pay, any excess money in my business account will be transferred over to my personal line of credit, where it’s safe.  I can pay off my last remaining credit card.  I’ll lose nothing.  And the groupons are almost all redeemed, soon we’ll have nothing but regular priced clients which means the business can pick up and start paying for itself even without any reserve money in the bank.  I’ve done it before just last year in August 2016.  I had zero money in the bank on August 1st and I wasn’t the slightest bit worried.

Okay, maybe a little worried, but nothing major.

So this is a great time to be sued!

One of my insurance agencies called the business today asking for me but my lawyer handles all that stuff.  I figure if they got me on the phone they’ll find out how stupid and naive I really am.  I’d admit to something or agree to something I shouldn’t which would get them off the hook.

Anyway, when I hunker down like this and count the days, time goes by both fast and slow.  Each day is excruciatingly slow.  May can’t come soon enough.  But at the same time, I can’t believe it’s Friday again.  Last Friday feels like yesterday.

I really hope my insurance companies agree to represent me.  That’ll be one slight relief at least.  And I think State Farm handles bankruptcies which will most definitely happen.

My receptionist/friend wants me to go to Italy so badly that she offered to buy my plane ticket after I told her that I can’t go.  She called me and talked for a good half hour nonstop about how important it is to her that I go.

At first I refused flat out saying no way, then I said “I’ll pay you back”, then I accepted defeat and said “sure, I’ll go.”

If you heard her on the phone, you’d understand.  Saying No would’ve been a massive slap in the face.

Once everything is done with, I’ll make it up to her.  I’ll buy us a Groupon vacation or something.  They are wicked cheap!  Me and her together for a Groupon vacation once this is all behind us, will be an astounding victory.  One for the books.  Can you imagine?  It’s like, too good to be true.  Too damn good.  It’ll be reminiscent of when I stood on the roof of that really expensive hotel in Bangkok – I felt limitless and I haven’t even begun my success yet.

My therapist with the skin disorder is still out sick.  One week turned into the rest of the month and all of next month is blocked off as well.  I’ve been massaging more lately but I think it’s good for me.  I’m saving a ton of money by taking her clients and I need that right now so I’m okay with it.  It does make it harder for people to book though.

I beat my game already, Horizon Zero Dawn.  I didn’t want it to end.  But it’s a good thing since it was keeping me up until 3am each night.  It’s good that it’s over.

My new addiction is listening to “The Girl with all the Gifts”.  I want to read the book before I watch the movie which looks pretty badass.  I’m already on chapter 34.

But with all this stress and worry, I wish I can find a happy book to read.  Like another Harry Potter series or something.

I had two clients today then went to Cosco for work supplies, came home and finished my Dad’s taxes and laid in bed listening to my audiobook and fell asleep for 4 hours, woke up in time to eat corned beef and cabbage.  It’s St Patricks day and like always, my mom makes the quintessential Irish cuisine to perfection.  It was sooo good.

It was a relatively good day.  I’m still shackled to my bunker, hunkering down.  Not wanting to do anything aside from laying with my dog.  I feel my life slipping by, but I can’t wait for these next 6 weeks to slip by.  Like skating down the hallway in my socks, a habit I never broke free of.

I had an odd dream last night.  I usually don’t dream when I fall asleep to audiobooks, but it happened anyway in a short burst of imagery.  It was an SNL skit.  3 black men were all dressed up as fat women who had their own soap making business.  They were singing a song and polishing their soap on their aprons in unison.  I, for whatever reason, found this hilarious.  when I woke up, I went to the bathroom and looked up what laughter and soap means.  All good stuff, forgot what exactly but it was definitely good.

I love my business so damn much.  I kiss the walls and caress them before closing up shop for the day.  “I love you, don’t ever forget.  We’ll get through this!” I tell it.

Our clients love my business.  Thousands of them, no exaggeration.  Thousands of people love my business.  One client only yesterday, emailed me to tell me she loves the place and she thinks I’m awesome.  She literally said she thinks I’m awesome.

The space is perfect, everything is so damn perfect from the employee’s to the elephant lamp.

My therapists are: Lara, Leah, Megan, Erinn, Mollie, Lori, Debora, Melissa, Crista, Igor, Austin and Adonis.  And one receptionist, Jill.  And you know what?  All of them love me.  A few of the new therapists want to quit their other jobs and just work here, but I told them to hold off.  “Come May it’ll slow down.  Best wait to see what happens in May.”

You don’t understand how perfect I made everything.  Using Apple’s logic of simplicity.  And those same people who love me now, will hate me if I lose the place.  They’ll hate me for their gift certificates that will be useless.  Who know’s, I might even end up in jail.  The whole town will shun me.  It’ll be like being on top of that mountain in Nepal, shunned and rejected.

It’s kind of funny how I relate all my high moments to being on the rooftop of that hotel in Bangkok and all my low moments to being on top of the mountain in Nepal.

It’s like, even if I’m not physically undergoing a gruesome trek, I’m still emotionally making that same trek.  The higher the altitude, the harder to breathe, the harder it is just to take one step forward.

That’s how it is for me now.  If I venture outside my bunker, it’s like having to trek in high altitudes.  Each step takes all my effort.  That’s the best way to describe it.

I need to trek that mountain again once all this is behind me.  I’ll turn that low moment into another high.  Can you imagine?  I can see it in my head, a perfect life.  So unbearably close now, I’m brushing shoulders with it.  And not one person who reads my blog can say I didn’t work hard for it or don’t deserve it.

I’m not losing the business.  It’s not going to happen.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, random thoughts

I’m in Los Angeles California!

I’m writing to you from LAX.  I can’t remember if I ever been to this airport.  I’m always asleep for layovers.

My trip began at 3:30AM and now the time is 3:38PM.  At around 11AM my employee texted me telling me the power was out and she cancelled her clients for the day.

I still have two more flights ahead of me.  TWO Mother fucking flights bitches TWO!

I’m starting to doze off.  I didn’t sleep last night because, well, I can never sleep before a trip when I have to wake up early.  Today is Thursday at 3:40PM and the last time I slept was yesterday when I woke up at 11AM.

I’m so freaking tired.  I look like death.  I just reapplied my deodorant and I did it while sitting here on the floor by my gate.  LAX is one of the most confusing airports I had to navigate.  There’s no map anywhere!  You’re forced out of the plane into  unfamiliar territory and you have no idea where your next gate is.

Gate 52 for instance, isn’t just gate 52.  It’s gate 52-A!  And then there is gate 52B and then C and D and so on and so forth.  There weren’t any signs for the shuttle busses to take you to these gates.  It was just a dude standing outside next to a bus waving people in, he looked like Stevie Wonder – my first famous person I saw in LA!

I thought of so many blog idea’s today.  I kept saying to myself, “If only I can pull out my laptop right now, I’d go to town!”  But now here I am in LAX with free wifi and no excuses not to blog.

I forgot all but one blog idea and that is……Crotch moisture.

HOLE-LEE-SHIT

Crotch moisture?  Seriously?

What the hell is happening down there?

I went on a bunch of long flights before, so long that it makes this day look like patty-cake.  And I NEVER experienced this before.  I mean WTF man…

It felt like swamp thing invaded my pants and made a puddle.  But when I went to the bathroom, there was no wet spot at all, only moisture.  Like, A LOT of moisture.

Does this have anything to do with gaining 40 or 50 lbs?

Oh God I want my e-cig so bad.

After I got off the shuttle, I went back inside the airport and they wouldn’t let me back out.

Guy guarding the door – “Where you going Miss?”

Me – “Outside to vape my ecig.”

Guy – “I’m so sorry, that’s not allowed.”

I longingly look over his shoulder.  The day beautiful and bright.  So close.  Why?

Why?

My brain gets super wacky when sleep deprived.  This morning I was leering at some young guy eating a bag of chex mix.

Me thinking – “Why Chex Mix?  What can I learn about this man by knowing he likes Chex Mix?”

After a few seconds I concluded that he was a player, the opposite of a serial monogamist.  The guy likes variety and doesn’t like to be tied down to just one thing.

As for me, I’d rather go with Doritos.  I know exactly what I’m getting, there’s no favoritism at stake, each bite is as uniform as the last.

Chex Mix seems complicated.  Too much drama.

Wow, LAX is disorganized.  They changed my gate 3 times now.  It was 52G, then 52A, and now it’s 52H.  Nobody told us either, we all just meandered away from the gate like a slack-jawed grazing herd of humanoids.

My eyes are like glass orbs of swirling pink mist.

CONVERSATIONS WITH MELANIE

The following is real-life thoughts I had today while at the airport.

“Wow, that woman has a huge bag of almonds.  I sure wish I can eat almonds like her.  But they make me feel like I might shit and not shit at the same time, just hover over the toilet waiting…..waiting…..”

” Hello hottie asian man.  I bet you’re Japanese with your angular face and muscular lithe build.  Hair done up in a top-knot.  Oh yeah, gotta be Japanese.  He looks like a Samurai!  Why do I like asians so much?  ‘Because you have a thing for Bruce Lee and appreciate their culture’.  Right….right….”

I can’t think of anymore.  These conversations aren’t as entertaining as I thought.  I had a bunch of them earlier, but turns out they’re not blog worthy.

Oh God I’m tired.  Do I have to poop?  Sun of a bitch when is this plane getting here?

Anyhow, I’m definitely going to Italy in May.  I got suckered into it and I’m sorta freaking out a little.

My friend texted me – “Should I book the hotel for Italy?  It’s $390 for 5 nights.”

Me – “Yeah book it!”

Every time I booked a hotel online, I never had to pay at the time of booking.  I paid once I got at the hotel, not before.  They hold the room with a credit card and if you end up canceling, they charge you a small cancellation fee.

My friend – “Okay it’s paid for.  You can pay us after Alaska.”

Me – “You bought it now?  Usually you just hold the room with a credit card.”

My friend – “We paid in full through Orbitz.”

Me – “Oh.”

Suckered.

I am one ratty looking mother fucker.  It’s now 5PM Cheshire time.  2:00 LA time.  20 minutes late to boarding time.

What else can I tell you?

I guess I can circle back and talk about the crotch moisture again.  Where does it come from?  Yes I was holding my pee in a little, I supposed a few drops could’ve escaped me.  But what’s weird is that there were no discernible drops of dew, just an all-around feeling of dampness.  And the type of pants I’m wearing are the kind that don’t hide wetness.  I’m wearing tan hiking pants, you know the kind.  They’re really thin and breathable.  I’m going to wear my thermal long-underwear once I’m there.

I’m waiting to go to Seattle, Washington.  That’s my next stop.  Then onto Anchorage.

I bought that video game, Horizon Zero Dawn.  I stayed up all friggin night playing it.  It’s everything I expected it would be.

Yesterday my electric fireplace decided to break down at work and my therapist with the skin problem went to the hospital and won’t be back in for at least a week.

My receptionist is starting to realize what it is I go through.  Everyday is some new nightmare.

“What new hell will today bring?”

Have you ever felt clear and light?  Like, put together really well, neat, not a hot mess?

I felt it the other day.  A simplicity of thought that I haven’t experienced since I was 2.  I felt it as I was navigating the mall for my video game and two meats one side at Panda Express.

For one day, I felt intact, unencumbered, clear.  Clear and clean is the best description.  Until that is, yesterday happened.  It all fell apart a day before I leave for Alaska.

I”m horrible.  I’m looking at an obese lady and wishing in my head she’s not my seat-mate.

You don’t understand….airplanes are getting smaller and people are getting bigger.  I just had an American Airlines flight on one of their new planes and discovered it’s noticeably smaller than it’s ancestors.  They only have one woman’s room and one men’s room.  The middle isle is for mosquito-sized humanoids.  You have to leap-frog over each other in order to pass.

1243 words in this post.  It’s 2:25 LA time and I have no clue what’s going on.  Did I miss my plane?

What else can I write about?

I don’t feel like writing anymore.  I want to find a secluded corner so I can vape.  But it’s not going to happen.  Too many people and we’re finally boarding!  Thank God!

This is a quick flight, one movie kind of flight.  Small plane, filling fast.  got to go.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, random thoughts, Travel

If the Universe Was the Size of a Photon

Okay, so like I said in my last post, our universe is a hologram of data packets living on the surface of an event horizon.

It’s all theoretical fun and games to think about this stuff.  It’s not that I actually believe any of it, but it’s a smattering of thoughts for a book idea I’m formulating.

I also wrote about the fireworks theory in which when one black hole (big bang universe) dissipates, a new black hole (a new universe) forms in it’s place.  And thus, time never ends.

Perhaps a new universe can only form once dark energy has overtaken gravity?  Once space and time no longer exist?

That’s according to the scientists.  They say that once dark energy starts ripping particles apart, space and time will be no more.

For shits and giggles, let’s just pretend this theory is correct.  Imagine the fireworks show.

As one firework starts to fade, another blasts in its place.  So we don’t actually know how old the universe is because we can only measure it from the start of our own firework.

Now think about this…..

Time is relative.  Everybody knows that by now.  From an ants point of view, humans move in slow motion according to their perspective.  What if we are the ant?  Only smaller than an ant?

The universe seems like it’s not moving much from our perspective, but if you blew yourself up so the universe is the size of a marble resting in the palm of your hand, and then looked at that marble from under an electron microscope, you might see stars and planets zipping around so fast that they are nothing but a streak of light.

Then what if you blew yourself up even more?  So the universe is nothing more than the size of a particle?  It’ll abide by the laws of quantum mechanics and pop in and out of existence just as particles are said to do.  Meaning, the universe – the marble – will evolve so fast, it’ll be created and destroyed, in the smallest decibel of time imaginable.  While to us, it takes trillions of years.

The universe is nothing more than quantum foam, a virtual universe of superimposed fluctuations.

What is a virtual particle?

First of all, they exist in real life.  Not just in my head.  You can see virtual particles when you do the double slit experiment (which I’m not about to explain).

Virtual particles are both here and not here.  They pop into “existence”, interfere with each other, and pop back out once the measurement has been taken.  The stuff that happens in-between the measurement is unknown but can be seen via double slit.

We can only measure the source (where it begins) and it’s ending location, but nothing in-between.

During the in-between time, all possibilities exist for that little particle and they are infinite.  They interfere with each other and create waves via chaos theory’s self-organization.

If the universe was the size of a photon, which it is (depending on your perspective), all possibilities exists simultaneous.

We are a virtual black hole that’s no different from the other virtual black holes that surround us in the sea of quantum foam and fluctuations.  We basically don’t exists.  We shouldn’t be here.

*************************************

In other news, I’m becoming more and more hermit-like.  I’m starting to get concerned.  Not even the temptation of alcohol was able to lure me out tonight.

My excuse tonight for not going out was that I was busy looking at electron microscopes for sale on Amazon and watching documentaries on Netflix.  “I’m going to be a self-taught chemist!”  Is what I said.  “It’s for the greater good!” I said.

I’ll see them tomorrow, so it’s not that big of a deal.  I even saw one yesterday, so I’m not a complete recluse.

I’m nearing into crunch time with my business, that could possibly be one of the reasons why I want to hunker down.  My surplus of money is nearing its end.  Taking its final bow.

If I actually do make it to April without dipping into my personal line of credit or selling more groupons, it’ll be a close shave on an atomic scale.  Down to dollars and cents in this case.  Pocket change kinda close shave.  Reconsidering my Hulu subscription kind of shave.

The suspense is killing me.  But unlike the descent I faced in 2015, this time around it’s a controlled sinking ship.  I control the sink.  It’s a steady but controlled decline.

The phrase “embrace the suck” just came to mind.

It’s like I’m a pilot with a busted up plane and I’m doing my best to keep ‘er steady.  But the plane isn’t going to crash, it just needs to make it to the next truck stop for a fuel-up.

So there is hope unlike the hopelessness I faced in 2015, but there’s still that jolting unsure feeling.  The feeling of, “Should I touch down now?”  Or, “Can I make it to the next fuel-up station?”

I’m almost positive I won’t make it.  If I touch down now, if I dip into my line of credit, all will be unravelled and all that progress I made last year will take another year to make up for.

My friend/receptionist wants me to go to Italy with her in May.  She’s a photographer and will take loads of pictures and post them to Facebook for all the world to see that I actually made it to Italy!  That prospect alone makes me want to go.  Pictures galore.  She takes like 500 pictures in just one outing, I can’t imagine how many she’d take in Italy. Her head will blow the eff up.

But alas, I’m busy trying keep my sinking ship steady.

*************************

I would’ve had so much fun if I went out tonight.  They’re playing my favorite board game, cards against humanity.

But it’s like I said, I have to keep ‘er steady.  I can’t lose focus.  Can’t have fun.  It’s like I literally can’t have fun even if I tried, so why bother?

Why am I always so miserable?

I must embrace the suck, control the sink.

And just think that all this is happening inside a particle that’s neither here nor there.  And at the center of this particle exists a quantum black hole that has a singularity at it’s center that is so minuscule, yet so dense, it’s perception of time is faster than the speed of light.  And we are living on a memory of our own creation.

******************************

You want to know where the term “Room and Board” came from?  Well, way back in the day, meals were served on wooden boards.  Table’s were in fact, a wooden plank resting on trestles.  You can read the best answer I found here.

My brother just got home and came into my room.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking up the etymology of room and board.”

It’s 11:30PM.

“I was going to watch Batman verses Superman but started looking up how ice forms in space and then I couldn’t stop looking things up.”

****************************

What is comprised of a particle?

Particles are what make up atoms.  They can neither be created or destroyed, just change form like water.

You can change the form of particles by smashing them together or heating them up.  The Iconic E=MC2 means that the amount of energy needed to create a particle must be proportional to its mass.

Photon’s are the easiest to make while the Higgs boson is the hardest (heaviest) and requires a huge collision (energy) to make them.

Everything that exists today came from a singularity.  Google defines a singularity as follows:

In the centre of a black hole is a gravitational singularity,

a one-dimensional point which contains a huge mass in an infinitely small space,

where density and gravity become infinite and space-time curves infinitely,

and where the laws of physics as we know them cease to operate.

What if within each black hole that’s created, a new universe is born on it’s opposite end?  And that explains how matter can pop into existence seemingly out of nowhere?  We are all just one big projection, a hologram, inside a hologram, inside a hologram.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under random thoughts