Category Archives: philosophy

The Trick to Confidence

In all the places I’ve traveled, from Thailand to Peru, my clothes always smelled fresh and clean after paying someone to wash them for me.  And I mean everywhere – even the poorest parts of Cambodia.  The kind of places where if a person owns a washing machine (not even a dryer), they’re in business.

“How do they do it?”  I always wondered.  I thought it was some exotic trade secret, or maybe they scrubbed the clothes by hand?  Pounding them with huge tropical flower pedals and incensing them with delectable oils.

I now know their secret.  They were using a washing machine less than 30 years old.

Our old faithful broke down a few days ago so Pop had to buy us a new machine.  I can’t get over how good everything smells that comes out of it.

Last week I slumped my head down into the well of our old washer and gave it a whiff.  It smelled like an old damp swamp sock.

Not anymore.  Melly shall smell no more!

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The woman who’s suing me broke up with her boyfriend recently.  How do I know this?  Because he called to tell me.  Apparently she cheated on her husband 6 times with big beefy black men – a character trait I should know about.

Her ex-boyfriend also knows the guy who runs the Cheshire Harald and they want to write a first page cover story about me.  Apparently the guy who runs our little town’s paper thinks I’m awesome.  I swear I never met him.

Her ex-boyfriend wants us to talk and to be friends.  I said no to both the news story, and to us being friends.

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I went on the Cheshire Harald website the other day while wasting time until my client arrived.  A 34 year old woman from my town died.  “Who is this woman?”  I wondered.

Her obituary didn’t say much.  Just that she was an EMT and is survived by so-and-so.  She looked healthy and happy in her EMT uniform on her obituary pic.

I searched her on Facebook.  We have 11 or so mutual friends.

Then I googled her.

First thing that popped up when I googled her name was 10-15 articles all depicting her arrest.  Her and her friend robbed their mutual friends of over $15,000 in jewelry.  She looked like a drugged out mess in her mug shot.  The guy she was with looked like a real dirt bag.

My findings conclude that she most likely OD’d from fentanyl laced heroine.  Either purposely or not.

Her linkedin account said she was unemployed.  Why have a Linkedin account to post to the world that you’re unemployed?

Internet is a cruel truth-teller even after we die.  I never knew her but that’s how I’ll remember her.

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I had a realization yesterday while I was massaging my client.  That’s the one thing I miss about giving massages – the realizations.

Two weeks ago during my pool league match, They pit me against an older woman who hit her prime in the 80’s so she still looked straight out of the 80’s.  She was a level 2, just like me.

Anyway, she kicked my ass in both games.  I was devastated and my team felt my devastation.

So last Tuesday, 3 days ago, I decided to laugh it off no matter what happens.  I made up my mind to play my best game and have fun while doing it.  I made it a point specifically to decide on this before I drove down to the billiards hall.

We can tell ourselves to do anything, but we don’t actually listen to our own advice.  We’re too preoccupied with habits and thinking patterns.  But last Tuesday I bypassed my habits and thinking patterns so to make room for this new belief, this new perception and fully divulge myself in it.

It’s about paving the way for choice.  And putting myself aside to make room for it.

We can make choices.  We can decide on anything.  But there’s more to it than just that.  This is where people get confounded and stop believing they are in control.

I joined a pool league so I can drink beer, play pool, and enjoy a little healthy competition while doing it.  I didn’t join to make friends.  So when I first arrive early at the pool hall, my main aim is to grab a beer and practice.  I get so pissed when people want to chat during my precious practice time – it’s uber annoying.   I NEED to practice.

But this is part of my problem – if I make a choice to relax, have fun, and play my best – there’s no room to get pissed at people who want to talk to me.  By allowing myself to get pissed, I’m not in control.  The “choice” I made beforehand is invalid, forgo, forfeit.  I can’t let go of past beliefs.  Beliefs that tell me I need to practice in order to get better and I can only have fun and relax as long as I’m playing well – ergo, I NEED to practice, not chat, before a match.

People who play pool regularly know that 99% of the game is built on confidence.  The remaining 1% is skill.

I can’t be confident if I believe I’m lacking in practice – that’s a dichotomy.  So right off the bat, I’m failing at the choice I made to play well.  I’m failing the minute I arrive to the pool hall and see a swarm of people making their way over to me.  I can’t play my best game if I’m not confident to do so.  And according to my old belief, I need to practice in order to feel confident.

Some choices are easy, some are hard.  A simple yes or no, where to eat, what color to paint your walls with – those are open and shut.  Not letting the Cheshire Herald do a cover story on me?  An easy no.

But choosing not to get angry anymore, choosing not to drink alcohol anymore, the choice to do better in school, be a better person, exercise regularly….these are open-ended choices.  They have more moving parts.

My choice to relax, have fun, and play my best game has a lot of moving parts that I wouldn’t have known about if I didn’t make that choice to begin with.

The law of attraction comes into play.  The more moving parts that can trip you up, the more likely you will fail in the choices you make.  Everything must match up with your choice.  It’s not about “frequencies” or any of that bullshit, it’s about matching your unconscious beliefs with your current choices.

All you need to do is keep reminding yourself.

My friend Chris started talking to me as soon as I arrived at the pool hall.

Rational Brain – “Remember to have fun Mel.” I told myself. “Here, drink this beer, it’ll help.”  Yes the beer did help.

Me – “But what about practice?”

Rational Brain – “If you think you need to practice, that means you’re not confident.  Stay confident no matter what and have fun no matter what.”

Me – “Having fun feels very similar to having confidence.”

Rational Brain – “Yes!  You can trick your brain into having confidence as long as you’re having fun.”

I whooped my opponents ass in both games and won myself another patch. Next week I’ll have to sandbag.

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It’s now many days later.  I ordered my Ebike July 10th and now it’s July 16th.  I can NOT wait to get it.  I’m watching YouTube video’s about bike touring and seeing all that can go wrong.  I’m going to need some workable knowledge in case I need to fix my motor or repair a flat.  One guy blew out his throttle 6 times in one bike tour, something I know nothing about repairing.

Zen and the Art of Ebike maintenance.  I wish that was a book.

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I’m trying to spend all my barter network money so I can get out of their system.  I just bought a $1000 pool cue with my barter network money.  The case it came with is $300 alone.  I got an OB cue, a high performance non-deflective cue.  It’s what the pro’s use.

I’m really excited to use it.  Sal, the owner of Shooter’s (where I picked up the cue), let me practice on it a bit but I need more hands-on time to really understand the difference between it and my old cue that Erika gave me.

I know for certain that break cue’s make a huge difference in the way each stick breaks the balls up, but a players cue?  Not so sure about that.  Why $1000?  It’s just a stick?!

I’m hoping none of the other teams catch on that it’s a $1000 stick.  My lips are sealed.  No lever 2 player should be caught dead with a stick that pricey, or they’re no longer a level 2.  I’ll tell Nicole, but that’s it.  Nicole is my team captain and she became a very good friend of mine.  She knows my brother and her sister graduated high school with me.

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Yin and Yang

I just woke up from a sleep coma.  I went to sleep at 1:30AM and woke up at noon.  10 and a half hours of blissful sleep.

My dreams were awesome too.  I dreamt I was vacationing in Thailand, the water was an incredible crystal light blue, everyone on the beach having fun and eating rainbow colored snow cones.  What was up with the snow cones?  I have no idea but I wanted a snow cone and was able to get one from a very nice sidewalk vendor.

In another dream, me, my mom and dad were asked to house-sit for someone’s mansion.  As payment for our efforts, we could choose any car in his garage to keep.  And while we were housesitting, we had unlimited supply of money to spend however we liked.

I remember the car perfectly, but I’m not sure what type of car it was.  Hold on, I’ll google it…..

This is it.  All the cars looked similar to this one except the one I drove was brown, green and tan.  A Rolls Royce.

So, what’s new in the life of Melanie?  Only that of blissful joy.  Well, what I mean by blissful joy is that I have money in the bank, more on the way, a full tank of gas and not a whole lot of hard work scheduled in my immediate future.  I’m looking at the life of Riley here.

I’m working on a plan for acquiring my electric bicycle and I also set out a time-line for my new business, Sound Alchemy Massage.

I’ll be commandeering one of the massage rooms at my other business and Sound Alchemy will start taking clients in Cheshire starting in September.  I will have a massage business inside a massage business.  If I do this, I will be able to cross-promote both businesses and combine all emails into one massive data-base.  I’ll make profits immediately and once that happens, I’ll get to expand once again to another location.

I’m waiting until September for two reasons:  1) Summer is not a good time to open a massage business being that it’s slow and 2) I’d like to at least try to buy an electric bicycle so I can ride it to Bar Harbor, Maine, on an adventure cycling trail before fall sets in.

I have $444 saved towards my electric bicycle.

I also decided to no longer order take-out and only eat the food my mother makes for me.  This consists of pasta, hamburgers, chicken, and hot dogs.  Last night was hot dog and beans.

I normally spend upwards of $30 a day on take-out.  It ranges from $20-$30.  I’m also in the habit of eating the entire meal in one sitting because it’s freaking delicious.

My eating and spending habits are about to go back to the way they were before meeting Hana who threw my habits completely out of whack.

Anyway, in other news, I massaged a lady with MS the other day.  She was in a bad state.  Her and her husband both came in for a massage, an old couple with the husband pushing his wife in a wheelchair.  I had to help get her on the massage table.

This was difficult for me in many ways.  First of all, I’m not licensed to handle a person like this.  I don’t know the proper way to lift a crippled woman.  We finally got her on the table, but we couldn’t get her to lay face down – she’s not able to turn face down without rolling off the table.  I kept trying to cover her up, she was laying there completely naked, flopping around, but her husband kept uncovering her saying “she can move around better if she’s not covered.”  This was very disturbing to me.  I felt I was being selfishly disturbed by it.  Selfish in the way that I didn’t want to see an old naked crippled woman and disturbed in the way of if you accidentally see your grandmother naked.

I saw what the problem was and there was no way we’d be able to get her to lay face-down, so I opted for side-lying.

Me – “I’ll be right back.  I’ll get you a long body pillow so you can lay comfortably on your side while I massage your back.”

And that’s just what I did.  The woman was so nice, so innocent.  Her mind was still intact, but there was something sweet about her.

I massaged her hands.  She was missing three fingers on her left hand, but the fingernails that she did have were painted.  When I seen this, it felt like a warm wave washed over me.  Something about old people still dressing up and looking nice, strikes a cord with me.  Especially when they’re suffering and in pain.  There’s something so precious and beautiful about it.  Dressed up in their Sunday best, wearing their little hats and carrying their little handbags.  It’s insanely precious and drives me crazy.

This feeling extends to all people really, when they take the time to dress up, put on make-up and doing their hair all nice – I love and appreciate it.  It’s like, they don’t have to look nice, but they do it anyway.  They do it because it makes them feel better.  Almost like they’re trying to feel better.  They’re not giving up.

Trying and not giving up are attributes I deeply, vehemently hold the upmost respect for.  And when it comes to appearance, when a person dresses up to look nice, there’s something so fragile and naked about it.  You can see the care and respect they desire for themselves.

I went to Vermont for Memorial day weekend to visit Amy and Mike.  I love the look and feel of Vermont.  The houses are livable, but most are old and wrecked.  They’d be marked condemned in Cheshire Connecticut standards.  But in Vermont, it’s okay.  “Live however you like” is the vibe I get from the place.  No one judges and no one gives a shit.

I love that people don’t give a shit in Vermont.  I love their crappy houses!  It’s Wabi Sabi, it’s beautiful.  And I love their lackadaisical view of appearances.  But what I don’t understand is how can I love both worlds?  How can I hold respect and appreciation for polar opposites?

Maybe it has something to do with Yin and Yang.  Dark and light, masculine and feminine.

Wikipedia describes Yin as negative/passive/female principle in nature.  Also symbolizes the moon, shaded orientation, covert; concealed; hidden, negative,  overcast, sinister; treacherous.

Yin would obviously represent the people who enjoy dressing themselves up with makeup and fine clothes.  Not that that’s to be considered treacherous, but I guess maybe considered a white lie if you really think about it.

Wikipedia describes Yang as positive/active/male principle in nature, the sun,  in relief,  open; overt,  belonging to this world.

Both worlds are dependent on each other.  Yin represents birth, basically what is unknown to us – it’s the dark side that happens before we’re born and after we die.

Yang is life, but it springs from Yin.  The brightness of Yang is born out of the darkness of Yin.  Maybe at times, you have to be treacherous in order to be good?  I don’t know.

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Life is Like a Box of Chocolate Analogies

Life is like skydiving.  When you first jump out of the plane, everything is spinning and confusing but the guy strapped to your back steadies the both of you.  His life is dependent on how well he can protect your own.

After a while, everything becomes clear.  You steady yourself.  You think you have it all figured out.  Time freezes for a while and it feels like you’ll never land or grow old.  You no longer need the guy strapped to your back.  You wish you can enjoy this time independently, enjoying the full experience of this wonderful freedom.

But then the ground steadily approaches.  You are once again happy that you have a man strapped to your back.

He yanks the ripcord to open the parachute.

This latter half of the jump can be serene and pretty, there’s no more rush or worry if the chute may or may not open.  It’s opened and you can relax.  This is where you’re able to truly take it all in, to catch your breath and count your blessings.  Time is no longer frozen, you are no longer suspended in mid-air.  Time runs differently in a way only someone with appreciation can understand.

You can sip your lemonade on the dock of the bay.  Mixed with whiskey and rye.  No rush, no more worry.

It seems that the age of 40 is the appropriate time to pull the chute.  When you can literally see and feel the ground approaching more rapidly than before.  40 is the age for everyone to pull their chutes, but they either can’t or they won’t.  For some it may mean giving up on that brief glimpse of exhilarating freedom they experienced years before.  For others, it’s circumstance.  Whether it be loss of a job or loss of the man strapped to their back.

These days, mostly everybody is still in free-fall.  And the closer the ground approaches, they feel like time is running out.  This is why older people are technologically disadvantaged – they don’t have time for such “nonsense”.  There’s no time, no time for anything.  Time is only for those still frozen high up in mid-fall, and not for those who must work even harder now that they’re not young anymore.

I’ve been unknowingly searching for the ripcord to my parachute since opening up my second business.  Not to be confused with my third business, the one that I’m working on now, but my second.  Surprisingly enough, I was still in the frozen free-fall when I opened up my first business.  I was completely oblivious.

But now I see it.  I can see the necessary chapters in life that we all must write.  Steps that we must unavoidably take in order to prolong our longevity and deepen our experiences.

For me personally, freedom is by far the most precious facet of our time spent.  It’s not time itself – time can be spent in agony, suffering, isolated and alone, but freedom?  I’ll take a short life of freedom over a long life spent in torment.

And I am free.  Well, almost.  Pulling that ripcord for me personally, isn’t about finding a steady job, or settling down with a sturdy providing husband, no.  It’s about finding my financial freedom – a freedom that doesn’t exchange time for money.  A type of freedom that places me above the airplane that I unceremoniously ejected out of.  It’s like being granted a second life.  A life where I’m my own guy strapped to my back.  Not only am I my own guy, but I’m my own parachute.  I’m the ground approaching, I’m the sky and the wind in-between.  I take on all roles, embodying everything.

Because, well, why not?  Why can’t I?  Who’s to stop me or tell me no, it can’t be done?

Anyway, what the hell else am I going to do with myself?  This life is magically long enough to manually change its trajectory at any age.

To each his own, right?  And all I want is money.  That’s all I want.  Simple people like simple things.

Ayahuasca, Eckhart Tolle, pretty much ALL the guru’s that ever existed, all of them told me to let go of all desire, only then I’ll obtain everything.  But ayahuasca also  told me that we desire things because we fear our life will not be enough without them – we seek happiness to obliterate this fear, aka, void.  There is an emptiness we must fill, and that is why we desire.

Another way of looking at this catch-22, is to focus our attention on the fear itself governing the desire.  Forget about the desire for a moment, and look at the fear.  What are you most afraid of?  Never amounting to anything, not being respected, always someone’s lapdog, living in poverty…etc.  Sure, those are all well and good fears but why should you be afraid of something when you have the power to change things?

You know what I think everyone’s greatest fear is?  The fear of failure.  Plain and simple.  I’d go deeper into explaining why I think it’s the fear of failure, but that’s a bit off subject.  Maybe I’ll circle back to it.  It’s pretty important.

Weird, my right ear just started ringing.  I was listening to the background noise of my family upstairs and all of a sudden everything went quiet and there was a ringing in my right ear.  Hold on, gotta google that shit.

Okay, it stopped.  Lasted about 7 seconds.  It’s good luck that it was my right ear and not my left.

Okay, so anyway….where was I?

Oh right, the fear of failure.  To me, the fear of failure trumps all other fears because if you were truly fearful of losing your job, you’ll take appropriate action to remedy it.

Quit and find a different job.  “Screw it” is always my sloppy non-thought-out advice I offer to everyone.

But people don’t change their current situation most likely because they are pussy’s.  They’re scared of falling all the way into the void.  Not just a little bit into the void, but all the way in it.  At least this way, by not changing anything, they have some semblance of control in the matter by not taking control of the matter.

Doesn’t make sense to you?  Neither to me but this is what people do.  I don’t get it either.

But what if you set yourself up to make failure an impossibility?  Failing is IMPOSSIBLE.  Desires don’t mean fiddly-squat anymore.  You no longer “desire” anything and instead, you make choices.

Desire is like hope.  They don’t mean shit.  They are nothing and are worth nothing.  But choice?  There’s power in choice.  And once you find your choice, that’s when to pop your chute.  Hopefully in a place above the clouds.  So we can be neighbors.

To circle back to our greatest fear, the fear of failure, that pretty much encompasses ALL fears, you know?  It’s like the receptacle you dump all your other fears into.  It can hold all of them.

I’m trying to think of a way to tie claustrophobia in with the fear of failure….hold on…wait for it….wait for it……Fear of failure to being let out?  Bingo.

I learned in psych class that technically most people rank public speaking as their number 1 all-time fear.  Why?  Because the fear of PUBLIC failure.  Not just quiet unspoken failure, but a boisterous in-your-face unmistakable FAIL that’s been witnessed by many.

Suckily enough, people’s opinions effect you whether you want them to or not.  It’s harder to live down a fail the more people who coagulate towards a certain belief about you.

Anyway, I should get going to sleep.  I’m beat.  I’ll most likely write a shit-ton on Monday.  I’ll catch you up on my life on Monday.

Later nerds

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I’d Never Make it As A Bug

Science, to me, is spiritual.  It’s philosophical.  It’s some crazy shit is what it is.

Think about it.

Let’s look at earth for what it really is.  I mean really look at it.  The lush tree’s that feel like fluffy broccoli from above, the lizard that guards his rock, the person that guards his wallet, the kangaroo with her kid in her sack.

The day us humanoids realize we’re nothing special, will be the same day we realize we’re All One.

We are All One.  Just like the hippies say.  Just like Buddha says.  Just like anyone who’s ever done any hard trippy hallucinogen will tell you.

This is why most vegans are hippies and also why when you think of a hippie, you picture them saying things like “Far out”, “That’s some crazy shit, man.”  And being completely agreeable with most things you tell them.

Hippies don’t give a fuck.  They get it.

But scientists get it too.  The real scientists get it.

There are fake hippies and fake scientists, but I know the difference.  The real guys are in constant amazement.  Hippies and scientists watch nature documentaries with the same level of astonishment.  They both stare into a beehive and say “Whoa” like Keanu.  They lose themselves by staring at a fern in wonderment and meditating that it’s entirely built out of geometry.

The real scientists and the real hippies know that we are in fact, just another species among trillions.  And since most people can’t see this, we become a plague on the environment.  We think we have rights and that we’re special.  We’re entitled to everything.

The one thing scientists have that hippies don’t, are cohesive solutions.  Hippies deprive themselves of water by conservation, they starve themselves because they don’t want to kill.  But scientists think up ways to have their cake and eat it too.  Scientists see that we all have a choice and there is always an answer, a way, a solution for both.

This is where hippies fall short.  They resign themselves to blending in and leaving no carbon footprint.  They don’t even want to have a cake, they don’t want to have anything.  To them, wanting is part of the problem.

But it’s the scientists who got it right.  Ayahuasca told me that science is a big part in our spiritual evolution.  It’ll show us that anything can be obtainable and in doing so, our belief in ourselves will grow exponentially.

Belief in one’s own self acts as the curator for growth.  It guards our journey.

There must be a balance between entitlement and respect.  Don’t take without replacing kind of thing.  And right now with our current mind-set, we believe money is the replacement for what we take/consume.  But money is just paper!  It literally consumes tree’s!

Money is a form of energy and energy is power.  All day we exchange power back and forth with each other.

Time is also money, also power, so we buy peoples time with money and call it even.

But all of us have a time limit.  That’s partly what makes it so precious.

I have an idea!!

If I ruled the world, I’d make a bio-dome type of place.  A self-sustaining facility to house the greatest minds on earth.  Everything they’ll ever need will be made to order and supplied to them in the self-sustaining facility/factory.  They won’t get paid (because that’s too much strain on the taxpayers), but they get to spend all day dreaming up solutions to our problems and doing what they love.

People who love robotics will be in charge of janitorial duties.  Eventually, given enough time, the janitors will build a robot specifically designed for each janitorial duty.

The bioengineers will be in charge of farming.  Given enough time, they’ll also make their jobs easier by growing massive fruits and vegetables that will eventually end starvation.

Chemists will be in charge of water filtration, ending water-born illness in third world countries thereby lengthening life expectancy.

Doctors will still be doctors but they will work side by side with pharmacologists, biologists, chemists and whoever else might take an interest.

Lawyers will be the police, eliminating the middleman and talking sense into criminals (if there are any).

And these brilliant minds don’t have to stay with one profession, they can bounce around looking for answers elsewhere.

Physicists will work with programmers in developing a quantum computer.  The quantum computer can then be hooked up to a patient to find their disease, or a DNA defect that might lead to a disease.

They’ll all have families, have children.  Their children will be homeschooled, taught in the field of their parents profession until they get old enough to apprentice in a field of their choosing.

Ah, to dream…..

I wouldn’t be able to live in my own fantasy bio-dome community unless I actually liked giving massages.  My only real chance of being let in would be if I agree to write in their newspaper and brew beer.  Those are the only things I’d be good at.  Other than my love of capitalism, it’s writing and beer that I do for free.

Writing in the paper would be perfect because I get to connect everything and everyone.  I’d get to learn a little about everything.

Me and my stupid fantasies…..

Anyway, the whole reason why I started this post was to tell you that what if all species on earth have the same exact intelligence, but an intelligence for different things?

Take an ant for example….what if an ant can take a bite out of dirt and automatically know the origin of the universe?  He’d never be able to communicate it to us lowly humans though.

What if ants already have their own bio-dome of brilliants minds?  And it was built so long ago that now all they know are bio-domes?  Underground tunnels and networks that connect all major branches of universal studies?

And then us idiot humans stroll by and pour liquid metal down their gullets to create “art”.

And the ants be like:

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The Immediate Moment

That’s all anyone ever cares about.  What’s happening here and now.

I’m not saying all of us are living in the present moment.  Immediate Moment and Present Moment are two very different things.  Well, according to me they are very different.  There’s not exactly a word to describe what I mean so I’ll illustrate it in my own way.

Present moment is exactly what you know it as.  Being aware of your surroundings, focusing on your target, being taken out of your head space.

For me personally, I drink beer to achieve the present moment effect.  I have trouble talking to people because I’m too much in my own head and not enough out of it to really focus on what people say.  It’s been a lifelong obstacle for me.

I HATED people telling me to come out of my shell.  There was no shell.  Fuck that shit man.

So anyway, beer helps a great deal in getting me out of my head and into the present moment.  It has nothing to do with guzzling liquid courage or feeling more relaxed and open.  Beer squashes my thinking.

Now let’s talk about the Immediate Moment.

What I mean by Immediate Moment is that it encompasses everything.  No matter what I’m doing, I’m always living in the immediate moment.  Do you get me?  Nothing else exists outside what is happening right now.  Whether I’m present or not present, it’s still happening right now.  Because we’re here on the ground getting scuffed and roughed up.  Effecting and Affecting others, never escaping the gravity of perception and feeling.

It’s still hard to describe…..

But the immediate moment happens to all of us.  And the main focal point of this fixation is the self.  We can’t escape the self.

I’m sounding crazy, I know.

Try looking at things from above.  The further up you go, the less things seem to matter down here.  Problems get smaller and smaller the further away you get.  And the higher you fly, the more distance you gain between yourself and the immediate moment.  You’re not “in” it anymore.  You stepped out.  Sort of like isolation, taking yourself out of harms way.

But once we’re down here on earth again, getting roughed up by people and life – we’re back in it.  Effected and Affected by everything and anything.  Living right here and now with emotions we wouldn’t have if we lived in a different era.

It’s all environmental is what I’m getting at.  We are a product of our environment, letting life control our every thought and perception.  We ride the wave and since we don’t realize it’s a wave we’re riding, we’re not in control of the direction its going.

Life is almost too immediate, you know?  Too “in your face”, we can never step back to see it.  We only see a shadow of it.  Like Plato’s cave allegory.

And the fact that we constantly need food, water, sleep, love, shelter, money, freedom, bathroom breaks – all of this keeps us steadily planted here in the immediate moment. We fight to obtain these items so we can never step away outside ourselves.

There was another mass shooting in Florida.  14 kids are dead.  I hate that people are blaming it on video games.

I can’t believe I’m going to write this but I’ve become somewhat desensitized to school shootings.  It’s not hitting me as hard as it did the first time it happened.  I’m just thankful it didn’t happen here in my home town.  I’m thankful it wasn’t anyone I knew.

Why is this happening?  There are a bunch of theories but I’ll tell you my own theory.  And yes, it has much to do with the Immediate Moment and its danger to society.

Think of the Immediate Moment as a large looming face whose eyes are gleaming into your own.  No matter how much you stumble back, you can never escape the face.  Those eyes, and all it see’s and seen are the same as your eyes and all that they see.

In the past, that face had different eyes.  School shootings weren’t a glint in them.  And since school shooting weren’t a glint back then, it didn’t happen.  Nobody even thought about it.

My theory is that it’s an endemic.  It’s like a viral disease that’s spreading across the US.  One sick individual broke the seal and uncovered the glint so now all the other sick individuals can see it too.

The face we’re all looking into isn’t getting uglier or scarier though.  It’s acquiring more and more possibilities being shown to us and it’s our responsibility to control what we do with these possibilities.

But we’re riding a wave so it’s hard to control.

As we evolve, and technology evolves with us, more and more possibilities and opportunities are shown to us.  All it takes is one individual to unveil certain glints so the rest of the world can also see the possibilities.

What was once impossible, is now possible.  What was once never thought of, people think about.

We are becoming more powerful.  The do-gooders are better equipped but they are up against better equipped villains as well.

There are less twisted souls in the world than ever before, but the ones who are still twisted have a better arsenal than their predecessors.

It is NOT video games.  It’s an endemic.  Once seen, it can not be unseen kind of thing.  It’s now stuck in peoples heads, like the first villain gave all the others permission (and fame) to follow.

This is something we’re going to have to deal with until a new glint is revealed to us and the eyes show us something different.

If you want to blame anything, blame the news for spreading the endemic.

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Holy Shit I’m a Millennial

People constantly complain about Millennials not wanting to work but still expecting everything to be handed to them.  I never suspected I was one of these people until last night.

I don’t want to do anything.  I don’t want to work.  And I expect I will be taken care of, always.

But what happens if all Millennials are like me?  Who’s going to make our buttons?  Who’s going to sell me toilet paper?

The people who are stuck in debt and/or have to take care of a family.  Those people can make buttons and sell toilet paper.  I ain’t doing it.  It’s not for me.  I deserve better.

I’m a goddamned fucking Millennial.

I was born in 1980.  The tail end of generation X and the start of the new era of Millennials.  I got the best of both worlds.  Kids of generation X consisted of punks dressing up like homeless rockers and the girls dressed like farmers.  I dressed like a homeless farmer which I still do most days.

Gen X’s only culture is that of pop.  We basically have no other culture.  Our culture is fleeting and superficial.  Based purely on enjoyment, on looking cool.  Idolizing famous people simply because they are famous.  We are a generation without substance.  A generation that lacks any real hardships.  If you consider our holidays as culture and tradition, we are gifted presents on those days – presents we didn’t earn, but expect we’ll receive none-the-less.  We feel like we deserve them.  Are entitled to them.

Our parents come from a different era.  An era where if they didn’t work, they didn’t eat.  If their family grew in size, the husband would build an addition to the house himself.  Not expecting anyone else to do it for him.  And he’d take pride in it.

I believe my generation lacks pride.  Kids who grew up playing video games 24/7 and crying if they didn’t get a toy in their happy meal, how can they have pride?  They grow up soft and doughy, needing glasses from having their faces shoved in front of a computer screen all day.  They don’t care if they can’t lift a 2 by 4, someone else will do it for them.  They’ll call their Grand-pappy over to have them fix their plumbing problems or electrical work.

In our parents (possibly grandparents) generation, women weren’t treated equally in the job-force which in turn made them devout mothers and care-takers.  Our Dad’s brought home the bacon and our Mother’s served it to us on expensive plates ironically made in China.

If you broke a plate, you would get scolded.  Not like today where parents tell their kids, “don’t worry hun, it’s just a plate.”

Respect and appreciation for material possessions has plummeted.  That’s one key factor that give Millennials their attributes.  Their appreciation lies with what they don’t have.

Back in the day there were no cheap Walmarts, no GPS, no cell phones.  No franchises that cut labor costs.  A pair of shoes cost a weeks wages. We are a generation of Walmart shoppers who never get lost and all our friends live in our pockets via smart phone.  Have we ever known fear?

The best part of the day for a husband was dinner-time and the best part for the wife was afternoon soap-opera’s and putting the kids to bed.  Simple pleasures and a simple yet less convenient life.

The revolution started over a hundred years ago.  The womens suffrage movement which completely obliterated marriage as the sole means of survival for upcoming generations.  We’re a generation standing on that movement.  It’s our foundation.  We are born in freedom that we didn’t earn ourselves and we don’t know what to do with.  Divorce comes easier with each passing year.

We’re a generation expecting choice and freedom.  If something goes against our expectations (such as work), we get confused and don’t understand what we did wrong to deserve such hardships.  And since we’re not a prideful generation, we’re not above whining like spoiled doughy brats with ruddy cheeks and buggery noses.

And I’m one of them.  I’m a stupid lazy Millennial.  The only thing I have to contribute to the future of the world is my uterus which I refuse to do on accounts it will stifle my freedom and kick me back into the middle-ages of having to make buttons and sell toilet paper.

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I’m going to be 50 in 12 years.  I just realized that today over lunch with a friend who will also turn 50 in 12 years.

The first 12 years of my life were monumental.  They lasted a lifetime.

Me thinking – “Wow I’m only 12 and I know so much already!  I’ll be a freaking genius by the time I’m 24!”

I remember thinking that when I was 12.

Little did I know that my brain would stop developing that year.

12 years ago I was 25.  I’m still that same 25 year old.  In fact, I’m still that same 12 year old.

Knowledge doesn’t accumulate.  It doesn’t double every 7 years like with a savings bond.  My question is why?  The first 12 years (not counting my 13th year since that’s the year hormones kick in), I learned everything I needed to know for the rest of my life.  I understood the basics of it.

All I’ve done since then is refine and enhance the knowledge I learned in my first 12 years of life.  The only thing I added was inches to my height.

It doesn’t have anything to do with how much I retain over the years.  It has more to do with values.  In those first 12 years, I established my values.

This is all my opinion, not backed up by science or surveys.  Read for entertainment purposes only.

I believe my entire personality, my true character is established solely on my values (maybe I learned this in psych class?  I don’t know).

And if my values were instilled in me by the tender age of 12, all the subsequent years that followed has either hardened my resolve or weakened my soul.  In other words, since my beliefs have already been established, they are either reinforced or broken down over the course of time since adolescence.

I believe (still, this is all conjecture), that we go through cycles of being broken down and built up again.  Like a spiral, the golden ratio.  When we start sucking our spirals back into ourselves like a strand of spaghetti, back to its origin – we break down.  But when we exhale it all out, like we’re giving, not receiving, we are essentially growing and strengthening our character.  Widening it enough to fit in more of the world.  Until that is, we get scared to death and have to suck it all back in again.

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The older we get, the harder it is to break us.  Like a bone that’s already been broken, we’re harder to break the second time.  And because of this, we become less pliable, more set in our ways, afraid to venture outside protocol.  We lose our fascination and wonder because we’re too tired to break down our belief system yet again only to have to rebuild it once more.

Unsubstantiated pride is the glue that holds belief structures together.  But it doesn’t make us stronger, it makes us brittle.  Stubbornness equals brittleness unless the pride that binds has merit.

If my beliefs, my value’s, my personality and character were all imbued in me by the time I was 12, that also means that what I dream of most in life has also been determined.  My fascinations and curiosities were apart of me from the start.  Before I threw them overboard to the wretched urchins of the sea.

It’s our fascinations and curiosities that contain our unique gifts.  And because of their fragility, they are the first to go when life gets messy.  “Jettison all that is unnecessary for fear it will sink us.”

The generations that came before us, most of the people who lived in those times were tied to a repressed culture.  A culture in which they had to work in order to survive, their well deserving pride provided them with existential purpose.  They worked hard to figure out puzzling problems, knew how to read maps and stars.  They couldn’t refer to a YouTube channel on how to make the perfect turtle soup, they had to learn by trial and error.

They had to chop off the chickens head themselves, sort of speak (or literally).  A type of appreciation Millennials know nothing about.

These days, every answer we seek is a mouse click away.  Every inch of the world has already been mapped.  All the awesome idea’s ever fathomed can be admired on Pinterest while you tilt your head in envy and murmur, “I wish I thought of that.”

We might be the very first generation who got an applause for using the potty.  We get applauded for accomplishing small everyday necessities while not having to use our heads for life’s most intricate problems – we have Google and psychiatrists for that.  All the legal drugs at our fingertips accompanied by copious amounts of information that we didn’t work out ourselves.

There’s an answer for everything and it’s either in the form of a pill, or a YouTube video.

Millennials didn’t earn their stubbornness the good old fashioned way by trial and error.  They learn it from pop culture, they are swayed by the popular vote.  They go with whatever thought process is in style at the time.  They depend on others to tell them how to think or how to feel because they never had to work out problems on their own.  They value the information inside a computer more than they value their own judgment.  And this was infused in them before they turned 12.  The most crucial years for discovering individuality and purpose.

They’ll become brittle, weak adults with no heart in the marrow of their bones.  No merit infusing their belief system.

We’re sucking in that strand of spaghetti more than we’re expanding its reach.  We’re more likely to kill ourselves over feeling helpless and hopeless rather than take pride in what we already have or do.  How can we have pride if every 6-year old can earn a black belt simply by showing up for class and paying his dues on time?

Unsubstantiated pride is the blunder of todays youth.  And I’m sitting on my throne as the Mother Queen of all Millennials.

I was born lazy.  It taken me 2 long weeks passed my due date just to leave the womb.  And although I was 14 at the time the internet went global, it became the love of my life.  Almost as if I knew it was coming and I merely waited all the preceding years until its arrival.

I don’t think, I click.

I don’t create, I copy.

I don’t cut off the proverbial chickens head myself, my mom buys Purdue at the grocery store.  And the chickens of the future won’t even have heads.

You don’t have to expend your energy by judging or hating me for any of this, I already hate and judge myself.

*******************

Everyone is born with a gift.  Everyone’s life embodies Joseph Campbell’s philosophical story map.  The same map that every story ever told has used.

This image is where I got the idea for the spiral I mentioned earlier.  Constant change and constant adaptions that spiral out and build off the old.  In my depiction of it, you’ll never arrive back where you started, it’s never a full circle.  Eventually the Hero gets tired and decides to plop down once and for all.  He’s done, he’s had it.  Enough bullshit.

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I drank coffee today.  You see what happens when I drink coffee?  Almost 2000 words, that’s what happens.  The majority of it gibberish.

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Entering into the Glory Days: My New Chapter in Life

My Dad woke me up today at 8am after I had a late night of 7-8 beers and little sleep.

Dad – “Mel”

Me – no answer

Dad – “MEL!”

Me – “Yeah…..”

Dad – “We’re leaving now for Atlantic city.”

Me – “Yeah….”

I fell back to sleep for what seemed like a few hours until I hear my Dad again outside my bedroom door….

Dad – “Mel”

I waited for the second, more boisterous MEL to jolt me awake, but it never came.  Then I thought to myself, “what are they still doing here?  Didn’t they leave?”

Me thinking – “Oh God, they did leave.  So who’s outside my door?”

Rational brain – “It was an auditory hallucination, don’t panic.  You’re still half asleep.”

Then my alarm went off about a minute after I heard ghost Dad calling me.  I slammed on the snooze.

My brother’s in Rhode Island with my dog and I’m all alone in the house until Tuesday.  I’m already creeped out.  It sounded so real!  An exact echo of this morning when my Pop first woke me.

I’ve had auditory hallucinations before but never like this.  The crap I hear is usually heavy machinery, 20 TV’s turned on and blaring, one time when I was a kid I heard a news bulletin but I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying.

I only hear stuff when I’m super stressed, I drank too much, and/or had little sleep.  It’s annoying when it happens.  It is NOT a spiritual awakening, it’s science that we haven’t figured out yet.

But anyways, I made a pledge to myself that I’m going to start the p90X workout tomorrow.  90 days of pain.  I don’t want to do it because it cuts into my laying around time, but I have no choice.  And plus I left behind my only pair of sneakers in Italy – I need to wear sneakers or my ankles get sore (learned from last time I did P90X).  So now I need to buy a pair of new freaking sneakers.

I’ve been hiking up my big little mountain most days.  I push myself to do it and it has gotten way easier, but I still feel like a fat slug.  I still don’t feel my best, my confidence is low.   My pants aren’t getting any looser.

It’s taking way too long is what I’m getting at.

I’m highly determined when it comes to certain things but I’m equally as lazy.  How can I be both?

I’m determined when it comes to things infringing upon my laziness.  I can’t enjoy being lazy if I’m fat and progressively getting fatter – the enjoyment plunges and morphs itself into self-hate.  I swear to god, I know I sound dramatic but it’s true.  My favorite activity (laying around) becomes tainted, no longer care-free enjoyment if I can’t run to save my life.  Eventually I’ll need one of those electric chair thingy’s to do my Walmart shopping in and clearly that’s unacceptable.

Why do I enjoy being lazy?  Because that’s the place where everything settles at the bottom.  The waters become still.  I can finally think and clear my head, to see straight down into the muck of the person I am.  No other activity welcomes me as much as mucking around the still waters.  It demands so little of me (none of me if you want to get zen with it).

My laziness started around mid-May and now it’s June 25th.  The chronic worry I faced during the initial onset of my retirement is subsiding and being replaced with insomnia.

I’m a night owl by nature.  Night is when I come alive.  And since I don’t have to wake up early anymore, the combination of being awake at night and sleeping in is seriously messing with my circadian rhythm.  I had insomnia 4 days in a row last week and I haven’t suffered like that in years prior.

So tomorrow I’m going to FootPrints to buy sneakers, then heading back home to start day one of the P90X.  It should quell my insomnia to some degree.  Seriously, P90X is no joke.  It’s an hour of pure ass-kicking.

These past 4 years of working 70 hours a week has taken its toll just as I knew it would.  Yet another reason why I hate giving massage – it makes me fat.

But what blows my mind is – I foreseen all this happening.  Almost like I planned it.  I knew my body would be a wreck at the end but I also knew as soon as my time freed up, I would do something about it.  I’m not just all talk.  I’ve never been all talk.  I planned for this and I’m actually following through.

As far as my business goes…..

Have you ever looked back on a certain time in your life when everything seemed easy and fun?  Like an old job you out-grew, but loved the time you spent working there?

I’m horribly sentimental to a fault and I kept wondering over and over again ever since opening my business; “if I look back on this time in my life, would they be fond memories?  Easy and fun, filled with loving people?”

The answer I always found myself with is No.  No this is not a fun time and no I would not look back on it fondly.

That is until now.  I’m living in that time right now.  The time when everything is perfect.  I can look back on this present moment and say, “Best time ever.”

I’ve been waiting for this moment since opening.  And if you completely disregard the pending lawsuit, things will only get better from here on out.

I think things are good now but you just wait…it’ll get even better.  You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.

My receptionist has a lot to do with it.  She ties everything together.  She’s even throwing us an employee party at her house which is ultimate in strengthening the bonds we share.  The stronger the bonds, the more powerful the business.

I feel like I’m reliving my 20’s.  The ease and flow of life when you’re young, it’s all coming back.  Complete with care-free’s, no responsibilities, and following the fun.

When I look back on last summer, the only thing I remember about it is my spontaneous 5 days off.  I had 5 days off in a row, it wasn’t planned.  It just happened.  The rest of the time was spent on stress and one disaster following another.

So far this has been the best summer of my life.  Well, technically 1986 was my favorite summer since I thought it lasted an entire year (I was 6).  I graduated kindergarten and waited for first grade to start but it never came.  I remember asking someone if I had to wait a year until I can go to the first grade and they said, “it’s not a whole year, just the summer.”

But yeah….this is the best year of my life.  I can’t get over it.  And it’ll only get better!  As long as I keep the weight off and stay healthy, age won’t be a bother.  I have nothing but the best years still ahead of me.  And it all began last month.  It’s only been a month of this!

And according to my poor math skills, I’ll have an extra $2000 in the bank starting next month.

Don’t get me wrong, life still sucks.  I can never stop the suck completely, it’ll always be there.  All I’m trying to do is make the best out of the suck.  Despite the suck, I will enjoy what there is.  I laugh in the face of the suck.

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I sat outside on our back porch today – just for a few minutes.  I went out there to throw a recyclable away and as soon as I slid open the sliding glass door, I was hit in the face with a beautiful day.  Literally, I felt it hit my face.

Me – “Wow, it’s so nice out.”

Me thinking – “We are floating in pitch-black darkness surrounded by nothingness.  No air to breathe, no plant or animals, not even gravity.  Nothing.  Just coldness and the sporadic clump of debris that formed into an orb due to gravity.  We are on such an orb.  One orb of debris out of infinity.

I HAD to sit down to think about this.  To look at the tree’s, the sky, feel the breeze, the colors and brightness, hear the birds chirping.  How are we even here?

I’m part of the earth, it made me.  I’m a natural part of it.  But why me exactly?  Why Me specifically?  My thoughts don’t feel natural, they don’t feel born from the earth.

Language, which I feel is the deciding factor between beast and man, allows these unnatural thoughts to occur.  Language creates a barrier between us and the universe.  We are not it and it is not us.  Language is nothing more than an evolved form of basic survival.  It came strictly from ego, our fear of death.  It’s both linear and restrictive and forms us into everything we are.

The sad truth is that there is no me.  I’m nothing but just another animal born from science.  No better or different from any other animal that lived.  Language is the biggest obstacle that makes us think otherwise.  Like we’re special, we’re separate.  It’s the biggest lie ever told.

Once you grasp this, I mean REALLY grasp it, it shatters your world.  You will suffer ego death (which feels like dying for real) and reemerge as the buddhist monk who ordered his hot dog “One with everything.”

It’s like you have to study really hard, learn all that you can and when you’re ready – forget it all.  Wipe the slate clean because it’s all false, it’s limited thinking, it’s not as real as now.

But now you have a base-line to shoot from.  If not for all you learned, you wouldn’t have a place to plant your feet.  Language is a place holder.  Until you swap it out for something better, what existed before you will continue to exist unchanged.

I’m clearly transfixing dammit.  I hate when I do that.

Shit I hope I sleep tonight.  I’m hungry.

Tomorrow is a big day filled with new sneakers and kicking my own ass.

 

 

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It’s Life, Actually

It’s June now.  Good old summer is here.  And I’m laying in bed at 8PM on a Saturday.

Okay okay, I know I’m being lazy, but I don’t do this all the time.  I’ve been really social lately, more so than I imagined I’d be.  I’m actually proud of myself for it.  And I’ve been staying true to exercise.  I’ve been hiking and rollerblading just like I promised I’d do.

I’m keeping up on myself.  Making sure I don’t slouch my life away.  It’s hard not to be a slouch when I don’t have to work anymore.  I have to make a conscious effort just to get up and at least go for a walk.  “It’s just a walk Melanie.  You can do that.”

And then after my walk, I somehow have a surplus of motivation to get in touch with people I haven’t seen in a while.  Everybody I ditched from when I had to work 70 hours a week.  It always happens after I take a walk.  A walk that I have to make a conscious effort to take.

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I’ve been redefining my definition of love.  I always thought love meant that you cared about someone.  That you look out for them and keep their best interests at heart.  But this definition depresses me because it’s the “movie” kind of love.  It’s not real.  Assuming a person cares about you is the worst assumption you can make.  It sets you up for the worst kind of heart break imaginable.

In the end, all people care about is what they can gain from you.  What you offer them.  And if they like what you’re selling, they’ll love you for it.  Heck, they might even become addicted to it.  They may become in need of it and when they reach that phase of need, most people consider that love.

No matter what angle I look at it from, this is it.  The harsh reality.

I’m honing in on the unreciprocated kind of love.  The one-sided deal.  I love people, but in my own way.  The kind of love I’m talking about can handle rejection.

I’ve narrowed down what love is in one sentence;  Being happy that a person is alive (or has lived).

You don’t want or need anything from them, but just the mere fact that they are alive, brings you joy.  And therefore love.  It’s not even unrequited love because you don’t want them to love you back.  Sometimes even preferring that they don’t in some instances.

“Just do your thang man, I love ya bro.”

It’s the most basic kind of love.  It’s the kind of love people have for movie stars they’ll never meet, or fallen hero’s that died for a cause – you love them for merely existing.  “Thank you for your service” kind of love.

A new baby has entered the world.  They contribute nothing, drain you of money and sleep, but you still manage to love them merely for existing.

It’s a primal, earthly love that is lost to us in youth.  When we stop buying Teen Beat magazine and pining over Ralph Macchio.

Granted, you should never idolize anyone, I’m not saying that.  But you can appreciate their existence from afar.

After puberty, most kids stop appreciating from afar when they learn other needs can be met in closer vicinity.  Needs such as sex, or an egoic need that makes them feel good about themselves.  It has nothing to do with appreciation and it’s all about what they can get.

It’s like they stopped dreaming and started settling.  They settled for immediate gratification obtained through the use of another person.  And if that person stops procuring what they need, they get dumped.

I’m trying my hand at the unattached kind of love.  It’s like hippie love, but I’d rather think of it as the most basic primal love there is.  A love that we lost interest in since it’s not obtainable.  It can’t be controlled.

You love a person for merely existing, so let them exist.  Don’t interfere.  Add to their life, not destroy it by means of control or jealousy.   Because you’re afraid of losing them.  Afraid of losing someone that defines your own existence.

If you love someone, let them exist.  Appreciate them.

If I can find someone who’s able to love this way, I’ll marry them and never let him out of my site.  You can’t trust those damn hippies with their enigmatic gravitational energy.

*************************************

The doctor thinks my Dad might have prostate cancer.

My brother – “Don’t google it.”

He know’s how much I like to Google things.  But I took his advice and have not done so.

My Pop went in for a routine blood check and found out he has a large number of a certain type of blood cell associated with prostate cancer.  The doctor wants to wait a month to see if they rise again.

I’ve always been a proponent of unattached love.  When I’m at my strongest, I’m invincible to all heartache.  I don’t let anything beat me down.

But that’s never been the case with my parents.  I’m attached to them big time.  I need them.  I’ll never be able to let go.  So this whole prostate thing, it can’t happen.

I’m not Googling it.  I can’t.  I won’t.

I can’t do this thing they call life.

 

 

 

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What If The Big Bang Never Happend?

Hear me out for a second.  I don’t have much time, but want to put this down on paper before it falls into the void.  It’s for a book idea.

I watch a lot of documentary’s about the universe, quantum mechanics and physics.  I even read a few books about it.

  • I learned that the universe is expanding faster and faster until dark energy will tip the scales and become so great that it’ll be powerful enough to rip atoms apart.

This will happen billions of years from now.

  • I also learned that multi-universes must exist in order to explain the perfection of our own universe.
  • Particles can pop in and out of existence in the vacuum of space.  This is the only stable theory that explains the big bang (creating something from nothing).  One popular hypothesis is that it “borrows” energy from a parallel dimension.  But it quickly has to repay its debt by popping back out of existence.
  • And finally, I learned that anything that falls into a black hole leaves an imprint on the event horizon.  A little data packet of information that can be used to reconstruct whatever it was that fell into the black hole.  Whether it be your wallet, with all your credit cards in it, or a hat.

Furthermore, there’s a few physicists that actually believe that’s all we are, data packets on an event horizon.  Packets of energy that’s been reconstructed as the walking talking holograms we are today.  Not just people, but planets, stars, time, space – everything is a hologram.  Our universe is nothing more than a hologram being projected from a place light can never reach.

The gravity we feel is a byproduct of the black hole.  The stuff that holds us all together.  Perhaps gravity is the repayment of borrowed energy?  A magnet from a different dimension?

My book idea is this; what if instead of there being a multiverse of floating universes that never meet, it’s more like a multiverse that works like a fire works show?  Once the “big rip” happens and the old universe is destroyed by dark energy, a new universe pops into existence by overlapping it?  Like when one firework starts to fade, another one explodes on top of it.

Nothing ever dies in this way, just fades away.

Scientists claim that time didn’t exist before the big bang.  This is because of spacetime.  Time and space are dependent on each other and if there was no space, there was no time.

But with my firework analogy, there was a time before time.  Nothing is separated.  Just lost in a different time.

Past, present and future all exist simultaneous at the same time.  This can be proven with the laws of physics and spacetime.  It just depends on your perspective.  And I watched a documentary explaining this, the same documentary that talks about the universe eventually being torn apart leaving no trace of space or time in it’s wake and I started thinking about the grandfather paradox.

How can there be an end to time?  If there is an end to time, how can time exist now?  When it doesn’t exist in the future?

Think about it this way…..

Let’s say the universe is about to end in 5 seconds.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1……what happens next?  The blankness?  The nothingness?  If this is true, than where are we?  If all time happens simultaneous depending on your perspective, how can time exist and not exist at the same time?  How can we be here and not here?

Because there is no end of time, only new fireworks.  Time has to be perpetual in order for us to exist.

And what about the big bang theory?  What if it never exploded?

When particles pop out of nothingness, they borrow their energy from someplace.  But they can’t stay in existence because they quickly need to repay the borrowed energy.

What if the big bang started off as a singularity so massively dense using borrowed energy, nothing escaping it’s gravity, that when it exploded – it swallowed itself back up forming an immense black hole?  And we are merely trapped on the surface as a hologram?  And once that energy has been repaid, the process starts all over again.  More fireworks.

It’s like we’re on the surface of a balloon.  Technically, there is no center point of a balloon, no center of the universe, no center of explosion since spacetime expands as the universe expands.  But what if we can somehow float under the membrane of the balloon, into it’s real center?  The origin, if you will.

That’s kinda my book idea, kinda sorta.  Someone who can pass through the membrane of the balloon and from their perspective, they’re able to see the past, present and future, and the deeper they fall into the hole, the older time gets.  They can see past universes.  It becomes such a blur that it leads into infinity.  Every possibility existing at the same time.

Anyway, it’s 2:37 in the morning and I need to be up at 8.  I really hope this doesn’t become a problem again.  Staying up late to blog.  I had it under control for the longest time.

 

 

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Explaining the impossible with infinity

Whenever scientists can’t explain something, they chalk it up to infinity.

“The universe is infinite so according to the laws of probability, the likelihood of there being a habitable planet such as our own is no mystery.  It’s science.”

There’s too many unexplained coincidences that make life possible on earth.  The more we learn about our dependance on these factors, the more we believe in the infinite.

There’s just no other way.

This explains the mystery of how life on earth is possible, but now science has recently discovered dark energy.  We’re no longer looking at how life on earth is made possible, but how the universe itself is stable enough to support us.

It is again, miraculous.  Nearly impossible in it’s likelihood that our universe is fit for human life, or any life for that matter.  Stars and planets are also found to be improbable.

Dark energy is the opposite force of gravity.  Gravity pulls us in and dark energy pulls things apart.

The amount of dark energy being used to expand the universe is in such small quantities that it baffles physicists.  But it’s also the perfect number.  More or less of it, time and space wouldn’t exist.

Before the big bang, space and time didn’t exist.  There was nothing.  I hit zen when I was 7 years old while pondering this “nothingness”.  I called it blankness because I didn’t have the words to define it, I still don’t.

But anyway, our universe is measurable and has a beginning.  It’s like a contained bubble floating amid nothingness, or blankness.

Once again physicists are convinced that there has to be infinite multiple universes.  There’s no other way to explain the perfection of our cosmos.  It’s too perfect to be explained.

Explaining everything we don’t understand with infinity and probability is the same as using God as an explanation.  It’s not real science.  It can’t be measured or proven.  It’s more philosophy than anything.  Scientists know this, but can’t ignore this simple explanation.

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