Category Archives: philosophy

I’d Never Make it As A Bug

Science, to me, is spiritual.  It’s philosophical.  It’s some crazy shit is what it is.

Think about it.

Let’s look at earth for what it really is.  I mean really look at it.  The lush tree’s that feel like fluffy broccoli from above, the lizard that guards his rock, the person that guards his wallet, the kangaroo with her kid in her sack.

The day us humanoids realize we’re nothing special, will be the same day we realize we’re All One.

We are All One.  Just like the hippies say.  Just like Buddha says.  Just like anyone who’s ever done any hard trippy hallucinogen will tell you.

This is why most vegans are hippies and also why when you think of a hippie, you picture them saying things like “Far out”, “That’s some crazy shit, man.”  And being completely agreeable with most things you tell them.

Hippies don’t give a fuck.  They get it.

But scientists get it too.  The real scientists get it.

There are fake hippies and fake scientists, but I know the difference.  The real guys are in constant amazement.  Hippies and scientists watch nature documentaries with the same level of astonishment.  They both stare into a beehive and say “Whoa” like Keanu.  They lose themselves by staring at a fern in wonderment and meditating that it’s entirely built out of geometry.

The real scientists and the real hippies know that we are in fact, just another species among trillions.  And since most people can’t see this, we become a plague on the environment.  We think we have rights and that we’re special.  We’re entitled to everything.

The one thing scientists have that hippies don’t, are cohesive solutions.  Hippies deprive themselves of water by conservation, they starve themselves because they don’t want to kill.  But scientists think up ways to have their cake and eat it too.  Scientists see that we all have a choice and there is always an answer, a way, a solution for both.

This is where hippies fall short.  They resign themselves to blending in and leaving no carbon footprint.  They don’t even want to have a cake, they don’t want to have anything.  To them, wanting is part of the problem.

But it’s the scientists who got it right.  Ayahuasca told me that science is a big part in our spiritual evolution.  It’ll show us that anything can be obtainable and in doing so, our belief in ourselves will grow exponentially.

Belief in one’s own self acts as the curator for growth.  It guards our journey.

There must be a balance between entitlement and respect.  Don’t take without replacing kind of thing.  And right now with our current mind-set, we believe money is the replacement for what we take/consume.  But money is just paper!  It literally consumes tree’s!

Money is a form of energy and energy is power.  All day we exchange power back and forth with each other.

Time is also money, also power, so we buy peoples time with money and call it even.

But all of us have a time limit.  That’s partly what makes it so precious.

I have an idea!!

If I ruled the world, I’d make a bio-dome type of place.  A self-sustaining facility to house the greatest minds on earth.  Everything they’ll ever need will be made to order and supplied to them in the self-sustaining facility/factory.  They won’t get paid (because that’s too much strain on the taxpayers), but they get to spend all day dreaming up solutions to our problems and doing what they love.

People who love robotics will be in charge of janitorial duties.  Eventually, given enough time, the janitors will build a robot specifically designed for each janitorial duty.

The bioengineers will be in charge of farming.  Given enough time, they’ll also make their jobs easier by growing massive fruits and vegetables that will eventually end starvation.

Chemists will be in charge of water filtration, ending water-born illness in third world countries thereby lengthening life expectancy.

Doctors will still be doctors but they will work side by side with pharmacologists, biologists, chemists and whoever else might take an interest.

Lawyers will be the police, eliminating the middleman and talking sense into criminals (if there are any).

And these brilliant minds don’t have to stay with one profession, they can bounce around looking for answers elsewhere.

Physicists will work with programmers in developing a quantum computer.  The quantum computer can then be hooked up to a patient to find their disease, or a DNA defect that might lead to a disease.

They’ll all have families, have children.  Their children will be homeschooled, taught in the field of their parents profession until they get old enough to apprentice in a field of their choosing.

Ah, to dream…..

I wouldn’t be able to live in my own fantasy bio-dome community unless I actually liked giving massages.  My only real chance of being let in would be if I agree to write in their newspaper and brew beer.  Those are the only things I’d be good at.  Other than my love of capitalism, it’s writing and beer that I do for free.

Writing in the paper would be perfect because I get to connect everything and everyone.  I’d get to learn a little about everything.

Me and my stupid fantasies…..

Anyway, the whole reason why I started this post was to tell you that what if all species on earth have the same exact intelligence, but an intelligence for different things?

Take an ant for example….what if an ant can take a bite out of dirt and automatically know the origin of the universe?  He’d never be able to communicate it to us lowly humans though.

What if ants already have their own bio-dome of brilliants minds?  And it was built so long ago that now all they know are bio-domes?  Underground tunnels and networks that connect all major branches of universal studies?

And then us idiot humans stroll by and pour liquid metal down their gullets to create “art”.

And the ants be like:

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The Immediate Moment

That’s all anyone ever cares about.  What’s happening here and now.

I’m not saying all of us are living in the present moment.  Immediate Moment and Present Moment are two very different things.  Well, according to me they are very different.  There’s not exactly a word to describe what I mean so I’ll illustrate it in my own way.

Present moment is exactly what you know it as.  Being aware of your surroundings, focusing on your target, being taken out of your head space.

For me personally, I drink beer to achieve the present moment effect.  I have trouble talking to people because I’m too much in my own head and not enough out of it to really focus on what people say.  It’s been a lifelong obstacle for me.

I HATED people telling me to come out of my shell.  There was no shell.  Fuck that shit man.

So anyway, beer helps a great deal in getting me out of my head and into the present moment.  It has nothing to do with guzzling liquid courage or feeling more relaxed and open.  Beer squashes my thinking.

Now let’s talk about the Immediate Moment.

What I mean by Immediate Moment is that it encompasses everything.  No matter what I’m doing, I’m always living in the immediate moment.  Do you get me?  Nothing else exists outside what is happening right now.  Whether I’m present or not present, it’s still happening right now.  Because we’re here on the ground getting scuffed and roughed up.  Effecting and Affecting others, never escaping the gravity of perception and feeling.

It’s still hard to describe…..

But the immediate moment happens to all of us.  And the main focal point of this fixation is the self.  We can’t escape the self.

I’m sounding crazy, I know.

Try looking at things from above.  The further up you go, the less things seem to matter down here.  Problems get smaller and smaller the further away you get.  And the higher you fly, the more distance you gain between yourself and the immediate moment.  You’re not “in” it anymore.  You stepped out.  Sort of like isolation, taking yourself out of harms way.

But once we’re down here on earth again, getting roughed up by people and life – we’re back in it.  Effected and Affected by everything and anything.  Living right here and now with emotions we wouldn’t have if we lived in a different era.

It’s all environmental is what I’m getting at.  We are a product of our environment, letting life control our every thought and perception.  We ride the wave and since we don’t realize it’s a wave we’re riding, we’re not in control of the direction its going.

Life is almost too immediate, you know?  Too “in your face”, we can never step back to see it.  We only see a shadow of it.  Like Plato’s cave allegory.

And the fact that we constantly need food, water, sleep, love, shelter, money, freedom, bathroom breaks – all of this keeps us steadily planted here in the immediate moment. We fight to obtain these items so we can never step away outside ourselves.

There was another mass shooting in Florida.  14 kids are dead.  I hate that people are blaming it on video games.

I can’t believe I’m going to write this but I’ve become somewhat desensitized to school shootings.  It’s not hitting me as hard as it did the first time it happened.  I’m just thankful it didn’t happen here in my home town.  I’m thankful it wasn’t anyone I knew.

Why is this happening?  There are a bunch of theories but I’ll tell you my own theory.  And yes, it has much to do with the Immediate Moment and its danger to society.

Think of the Immediate Moment as a large looming face whose eyes are gleaming into your own.  No matter how much you stumble back, you can never escape the face.  Those eyes, and all it see’s and seen are the same as your eyes and all that they see.

In the past, that face had different eyes.  School shootings weren’t a glint in them.  And since school shooting weren’t a glint back then, it didn’t happen.  Nobody even thought about it.

My theory is that it’s an endemic.  It’s like a viral disease that’s spreading across the US.  One sick individual broke the seal and uncovered the glint so now all the other sick individuals can see it too.

The face we’re all looking into isn’t getting uglier or scarier though.  It’s acquiring more and more possibilities being shown to us and it’s our responsibility to control what we do with these possibilities.

But we’re riding a wave so it’s hard to control.

As we evolve, and technology evolves with us, more and more possibilities and opportunities are shown to us.  All it takes is one individual to unveil certain glints so the rest of the world can also see the possibilities.

What was once impossible, is now possible.  What was once never thought of, people think about.

We are becoming more powerful.  The do-gooders are better equipped but they are up against better equipped villains as well.

There are less twisted souls in the world than ever before, but the ones who are still twisted have a better arsenal than their predecessors.

It is NOT video games.  It’s an endemic.  Once seen, it can not be unseen kind of thing.  It’s now stuck in peoples heads, like the first villain gave all the others permission (and fame) to follow.

This is something we’re going to have to deal with until a new glint is revealed to us and the eyes show us something different.

If you want to blame anything, blame the news for spreading the endemic.

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Holy Shit I’m a Millennial

People constantly complain about Millennials not wanting to work but still expecting everything to be handed to them.  I never suspected I was one of these people until last night.

I don’t want to do anything.  I don’t want to work.  And I expect I will be taken care of, always.

But what happens if all Millennials are like me?  Who’s going to make our buttons?  Who’s going to sell me toilet paper?

The people who are stuck in debt and/or have to take care of a family.  Those people can make buttons and sell toilet paper.  I ain’t doing it.  It’s not for me.  I deserve better.

I’m a goddamned fucking Millennial.

I was born in 1980.  The tail end of generation X and the start of the new era of Millennials.  I got the best of both worlds.  Kids of generation X consisted of punks dressing up like homeless rockers and the girls dressed like farmers.  I dressed like a homeless farmer which I still do most days.

Gen X’s only culture is that of pop.  We basically have no other culture.  Our culture is fleeting and superficial.  Based purely on enjoyment, on looking cool.  Idolizing famous people simply because they are famous.  We are a generation without substance.  A generation that lacks any real hardships.  If you consider our holidays as culture and tradition, we are gifted presents on those days – presents we didn’t earn, but expect we’ll receive none-the-less.  We feel like we deserve them.  Are entitled to them.

Our parents come from a different era.  An era where if they didn’t work, they didn’t eat.  If their family grew in size, the husband would build an addition to the house himself.  Not expecting anyone else to do it for him.  And he’d take pride in it.

I believe my generation lacks pride.  Kids who grew up playing video games 24/7 and crying if they didn’t get a toy in their happy meal, how can they have pride?  They grow up soft and doughy, needing glasses from having their faces shoved in front of a computer screen all day.  They don’t care if they can’t lift a 2 by 4, someone else will do it for them.  They’ll call their Grand-pappy over to have them fix their plumbing problems or electrical work.

In our parents (possibly grandparents) generation, women weren’t treated equally in the job-force which in turn made them devout mothers and care-takers.  Our Dad’s brought home the bacon and our Mother’s served it to us on expensive plates ironically made in China.

If you broke a plate, you would get scolded.  Not like today where parents tell their kids, “don’t worry hun, it’s just a plate.”

Respect and appreciation for material possessions has plummeted.  That’s one key factor that give Millennials their attributes.  Their appreciation lies with what they don’t have.

Back in the day there were no cheap Walmarts, no GPS, no cell phones.  No franchises that cut labor costs.  A pair of shoes cost a weeks wages. We are a generation of Walmart shoppers who never get lost and all our friends live in our pockets via smart phone.  Have we ever known fear?

The best part of the day for a husband was dinner-time and the best part for the wife was afternoon soap-opera’s and putting the kids to bed.  Simple pleasures and a simple yet less convenient life.

The revolution started over a hundred years ago.  The womens suffrage movement which completely obliterated marriage as the sole means of survival for upcoming generations.  We’re a generation standing on that movement.  It’s our foundation.  We are born in freedom that we didn’t earn ourselves and we don’t know what to do with.  Divorce comes easier with each passing year.

We’re a generation expecting choice and freedom.  If something goes against our expectations (such as work), we get confused and don’t understand what we did wrong to deserve such hardships.  And since we’re not a prideful generation, we’re not above whining like spoiled doughy brats with ruddy cheeks and buggery noses.

And I’m one of them.  I’m a stupid lazy Millennial.  The only thing I have to contribute to the future of the world is my uterus which I refuse to do on accounts it will stifle my freedom and kick me back into the middle-ages of having to make buttons and sell toilet paper.


I’m going to be 50 in 12 years.  I just realized that today over lunch with a friend who will also turn 50 in 12 years.

The first 12 years of my life were monumental.  They lasted a lifetime.

Me thinking – “Wow I’m only 12 and I know so much already!  I’ll be a freaking genius by the time I’m 24!”

I remember thinking that when I was 12.

Little did I know that my brain would stop developing that year.

12 years ago I was 25.  I’m still that same 25 year old.  In fact, I’m still that same 12 year old.

Knowledge doesn’t accumulate.  It doesn’t double every 7 years like with a savings bond.  My question is why?  The first 12 years (not counting my 13th year since that’s the year hormones kick in), I learned everything I needed to know for the rest of my life.  I understood the basics of it.

All I’ve done since then is refine and enhance the knowledge I learned in my first 12 years of life.  The only thing I added was inches to my height.

It doesn’t have anything to do with how much I retain over the years.  It has more to do with values.  In those first 12 years, I established my values.

This is all my opinion, not backed up by science or surveys.  Read for entertainment purposes only.

I believe my entire personality, my true character is established solely on my values (maybe I learned this in psych class?  I don’t know).

And if my values were instilled in me by the tender age of 12, all the subsequent years that followed has either hardened my resolve or weakened my soul.  In other words, since my beliefs have already been established, they are either reinforced or broken down over the course of time since adolescence.

I believe (still, this is all conjecture), that we go through cycles of being broken down and built up again.  Like a spiral, the golden ratio.  When we start sucking our spirals back into ourselves like a strand of spaghetti, back to its origin – we break down.  But when we exhale it all out, like we’re giving, not receiving, we are essentially growing and strengthening our character.  Widening it enough to fit in more of the world.  Until that is, we get scared to death and have to suck it all back in again.


The older we get, the harder it is to break us.  Like a bone that’s already been broken, we’re harder to break the second time.  And because of this, we become less pliable, more set in our ways, afraid to venture outside protocol.  We lose our fascination and wonder because we’re too tired to break down our belief system yet again only to have to rebuild it once more.

Unsubstantiated pride is the glue that holds belief structures together.  But it doesn’t make us stronger, it makes us brittle.  Stubbornness equals brittleness unless the pride that binds has merit.

If my beliefs, my value’s, my personality and character were all imbued in me by the time I was 12, that also means that what I dream of most in life has also been determined.  My fascinations and curiosities were apart of me from the start.  Before I threw them overboard to the wretched urchins of the sea.

It’s our fascinations and curiosities that contain our unique gifts.  And because of their fragility, they are the first to go when life gets messy.  “Jettison all that is unnecessary for fear it will sink us.”

The generations that came before us, most of the people who lived in those times were tied to a repressed culture.  A culture in which they had to work in order to survive, their well deserving pride provided them with existential purpose.  They worked hard to figure out puzzling problems, knew how to read maps and stars.  They couldn’t refer to a YouTube channel on how to make the perfect turtle soup, they had to learn by trial and error.

They had to chop off the chickens head themselves, sort of speak (or literally).  A type of appreciation Millennials know nothing about.

These days, every answer we seek is a mouse click away.  Every inch of the world has already been mapped.  All the awesome idea’s ever fathomed can be admired on Pinterest while you tilt your head in envy and murmur, “I wish I thought of that.”

We might be the very first generation who got an applause for using the potty.  We get applauded for accomplishing small everyday necessities while not having to use our heads for life’s most intricate problems – we have Google and psychiatrists for that.  All the legal drugs at our fingertips accompanied by copious amounts of information that we didn’t work out ourselves.

There’s an answer for everything and it’s either in the form of a pill, or a YouTube video.

Millennials didn’t earn their stubbornness the good old fashioned way by trial and error.  They learn it from pop culture, they are swayed by the popular vote.  They go with whatever thought process is in style at the time.  They depend on others to tell them how to think or how to feel because they never had to work out problems on their own.  They value the information inside a computer more than they value their own judgment.  And this was infused in them before they turned 12.  The most crucial years for discovering individuality and purpose.

They’ll become brittle, weak adults with no heart in the marrow of their bones.  No merit infusing their belief system.

We’re sucking in that strand of spaghetti more than we’re expanding its reach.  We’re more likely to kill ourselves over feeling helpless and hopeless rather than take pride in what we already have or do.  How can we have pride if every 6-year old can earn a black belt simply by showing up for class and paying his dues on time?

Unsubstantiated pride is the blunder of todays youth.  And I’m sitting on my throne as the Mother Queen of all Millennials.

I was born lazy.  It taken me 2 long weeks passed my due date just to leave the womb.  And although I was 14 at the time the internet went global, it became the love of my life.  Almost as if I knew it was coming and I merely waited all the preceding years until its arrival.

I don’t think, I click.

I don’t create, I copy.

I don’t cut off the proverbial chickens head myself, my mom buys Purdue at the grocery store.  And the chickens of the future won’t even have heads.

You don’t have to expend your energy by judging or hating me for any of this, I already hate and judge myself.


Everyone is born with a gift.  Everyone’s life embodies Joseph Campbell’s philosophical story map.  The same map that every story ever told has used.

This image is where I got the idea for the spiral I mentioned earlier.  Constant change and constant adaptions that spiral out and build off the old.  In my depiction of it, you’ll never arrive back where you started, it’s never a full circle.  Eventually the Hero gets tired and decides to plop down once and for all.  He’s done, he’s had it.  Enough bullshit.


I drank coffee today.  You see what happens when I drink coffee?  Almost 2000 words, that’s what happens.  The majority of it gibberish.

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Entering into the Glory Days: My New Chapter in Life

My Dad woke me up today at 8am after I had a late night of 7-8 beers and little sleep.

Dad – “Mel”

Me – no answer

Dad – “MEL!”

Me – “Yeah…..”

Dad – “We’re leaving now for Atlantic city.”

Me – “Yeah….”

I fell back to sleep for what seemed like a few hours until I hear my Dad again outside my bedroom door….

Dad – “Mel”

I waited for the second, more boisterous MEL to jolt me awake, but it never came.  Then I thought to myself, “what are they still doing here?  Didn’t they leave?”

Me thinking – “Oh God, they did leave.  So who’s outside my door?”

Rational brain – “It was an auditory hallucination, don’t panic.  You’re still half asleep.”

Then my alarm went off about a minute after I heard ghost Dad calling me.  I slammed on the snooze.

My brother’s in Rhode Island with my dog and I’m all alone in the house until Tuesday.  I’m already creeped out.  It sounded so real!  An exact echo of this morning when my Pop first woke me.

I’ve had auditory hallucinations before but never like this.  The crap I hear is usually heavy machinery, 20 TV’s turned on and blaring, one time when I was a kid I heard a news bulletin but I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying.

I only hear stuff when I’m super stressed, I drank too much, and/or had little sleep.  It’s annoying when it happens.  It is NOT a spiritual awakening, it’s science that we haven’t figured out yet.

But anyways, I made a pledge to myself that I’m going to start the p90X workout tomorrow.  90 days of pain.  I don’t want to do it because it cuts into my laying around time, but I have no choice.  And plus I left behind my only pair of sneakers in Italy – I need to wear sneakers or my ankles get sore (learned from last time I did P90X).  So now I need to buy a pair of new freaking sneakers.

I’ve been hiking up my big little mountain most days.  I push myself to do it and it has gotten way easier, but I still feel like a fat slug.  I still don’t feel my best, my confidence is low.   My pants aren’t getting any looser.

It’s taking way too long is what I’m getting at.

I’m highly determined when it comes to certain things but I’m equally as lazy.  How can I be both?

I’m determined when it comes to things infringing upon my laziness.  I can’t enjoy being lazy if I’m fat and progressively getting fatter – the enjoyment plunges and morphs itself into self-hate.  I swear to god, I know I sound dramatic but it’s true.  My favorite activity (laying around) becomes tainted, no longer care-free enjoyment if I can’t run to save my life.  Eventually I’ll need one of those electric chair thingy’s to do my Walmart shopping in and clearly that’s unacceptable.

Why do I enjoy being lazy?  Because that’s the place where everything settles at the bottom.  The waters become still.  I can finally think and clear my head, to see straight down into the muck of the person I am.  No other activity welcomes me as much as mucking around the still waters.  It demands so little of me (none of me if you want to get zen with it).

My laziness started around mid-May and now it’s June 25th.  The chronic worry I faced during the initial onset of my retirement is subsiding and being replaced with insomnia.

I’m a night owl by nature.  Night is when I come alive.  And since I don’t have to wake up early anymore, the combination of being awake at night and sleeping in is seriously messing with my circadian rhythm.  I had insomnia 4 days in a row last week and I haven’t suffered like that in years prior.

So tomorrow I’m going to FootPrints to buy sneakers, then heading back home to start day one of the P90X.  It should quell my insomnia to some degree.  Seriously, P90X is no joke.  It’s an hour of pure ass-kicking.

These past 4 years of working 70 hours a week has taken its toll just as I knew it would.  Yet another reason why I hate giving massage – it makes me fat.

But what blows my mind is – I foreseen all this happening.  Almost like I planned it.  I knew my body would be a wreck at the end but I also knew as soon as my time freed up, I would do something about it.  I’m not just all talk.  I’ve never been all talk.  I planned for this and I’m actually following through.

As far as my business goes…..

Have you ever looked back on a certain time in your life when everything seemed easy and fun?  Like an old job you out-grew, but loved the time you spent working there?

I’m horribly sentimental to a fault and I kept wondering over and over again ever since opening my business; “if I look back on this time in my life, would they be fond memories?  Easy and fun, filled with loving people?”

The answer I always found myself with is No.  No this is not a fun time and no I would not look back on it fondly.

That is until now.  I’m living in that time right now.  The time when everything is perfect.  I can look back on this present moment and say, “Best time ever.”

I’ve been waiting for this moment since opening.  And if you completely disregard the pending lawsuit, things will only get better from here on out.

I think things are good now but you just wait…it’ll get even better.  You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.

My receptionist has a lot to do with it.  She ties everything together.  She’s even throwing us an employee party at her house which is ultimate in strengthening the bonds we share.  The stronger the bonds, the more powerful the business.

I feel like I’m reliving my 20’s.  The ease and flow of life when you’re young, it’s all coming back.  Complete with care-free’s, no responsibilities, and following the fun.

When I look back on last summer, the only thing I remember about it is my spontaneous 5 days off.  I had 5 days off in a row, it wasn’t planned.  It just happened.  The rest of the time was spent on stress and one disaster following another.

So far this has been the best summer of my life.  Well, technically 1986 was my favorite summer since I thought it lasted an entire year (I was 6).  I graduated kindergarten and waited for first grade to start but it never came.  I remember asking someone if I had to wait a year until I can go to the first grade and they said, “it’s not a whole year, just the summer.”

But yeah….this is the best year of my life.  I can’t get over it.  And it’ll only get better!  As long as I keep the weight off and stay healthy, age won’t be a bother.  I have nothing but the best years still ahead of me.  And it all began last month.  It’s only been a month of this!

And according to my poor math skills, I’ll have an extra $2000 in the bank starting next month.

Don’t get me wrong, life still sucks.  I can never stop the suck completely, it’ll always be there.  All I’m trying to do is make the best out of the suck.  Despite the suck, I will enjoy what there is.  I laugh in the face of the suck.


I sat outside on our back porch today – just for a few minutes.  I went out there to throw a recyclable away and as soon as I slid open the sliding glass door, I was hit in the face with a beautiful day.  Literally, I felt it hit my face.

Me – “Wow, it’s so nice out.”

Me thinking – “We are floating in pitch-black darkness surrounded by nothingness.  No air to breathe, no plant or animals, not even gravity.  Nothing.  Just coldness and the sporadic clump of debris that formed into an orb due to gravity.  We are on such an orb.  One orb of debris out of infinity.

I HAD to sit down to think about this.  To look at the tree’s, the sky, feel the breeze, the colors and brightness, hear the birds chirping.  How are we even here?

I’m part of the earth, it made me.  I’m a natural part of it.  But why me exactly?  Why Me specifically?  My thoughts don’t feel natural, they don’t feel born from the earth.

Language, which I feel is the deciding factor between beast and man, allows these unnatural thoughts to occur.  Language creates a barrier between us and the universe.  We are not it and it is not us.  Language is nothing more than an evolved form of basic survival.  It came strictly from ego, our fear of death.  It’s both linear and restrictive and forms us into everything we are.

The sad truth is that there is no me.  I’m nothing but just another animal born from science.  No better or different from any other animal that lived.  Language is the biggest obstacle that makes us think otherwise.  Like we’re special, we’re separate.  It’s the biggest lie ever told.

Once you grasp this, I mean REALLY grasp it, it shatters your world.  You will suffer ego death (which feels like dying for real) and reemerge as the buddhist monk who ordered his hot dog “One with everything.”

It’s like you have to study really hard, learn all that you can and when you’re ready – forget it all.  Wipe the slate clean because it’s all false, it’s limited thinking, it’s not as real as now.

But now you have a base-line to shoot from.  If not for all you learned, you wouldn’t have a place to plant your feet.  Language is a place holder.  Until you swap it out for something better, what existed before you will continue to exist unchanged.

I’m clearly transfixing dammit.  I hate when I do that.

Shit I hope I sleep tonight.  I’m hungry.

Tomorrow is a big day filled with new sneakers and kicking my own ass.



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It’s Life, Actually

It’s June now.  Good old summer is here.  And I’m laying in bed at 8PM on a Saturday.

Okay okay, I know I’m being lazy, but I don’t do this all the time.  I’ve been really social lately, more so than I imagined I’d be.  I’m actually proud of myself for it.  And I’ve been staying true to exercise.  I’ve been hiking and rollerblading just like I promised I’d do.

I’m keeping up on myself.  Making sure I don’t slouch my life away.  It’s hard not to be a slouch when I don’t have to work anymore.  I have to make a conscious effort just to get up and at least go for a walk.  “It’s just a walk Melanie.  You can do that.”

And then after my walk, I somehow have a surplus of motivation to get in touch with people I haven’t seen in a while.  Everybody I ditched from when I had to work 70 hours a week.  It always happens after I take a walk.  A walk that I have to make a conscious effort to take.


I’ve been redefining my definition of love.  I always thought love meant that you cared about someone.  That you look out for them and keep their best interests at heart.  But this definition depresses me because it’s the “movie” kind of love.  It’s not real.  Assuming a person cares about you is the worst assumption you can make.  It sets you up for the worst kind of heart break imaginable.

In the end, all people care about is what they can gain from you.  What you offer them.  And if they like what you’re selling, they’ll love you for it.  Heck, they might even become addicted to it.  They may become in need of it and when they reach that phase of need, most people consider that love.

No matter what angle I look at it from, this is it.  The harsh reality.

I’m honing in on the unreciprocated kind of love.  The one-sided deal.  I love people, but in my own way.  The kind of love I’m talking about can handle rejection.

I’ve narrowed down what love is in one sentence;  Being happy that a person is alive (or has lived).

You don’t want or need anything from them, but just the mere fact that they are alive, brings you joy.  And therefore love.  It’s not even unrequited love because you don’t want them to love you back.  Sometimes even preferring that they don’t in some instances.

“Just do your thang man, I love ya bro.”

It’s the most basic kind of love.  It’s the kind of love people have for movie stars they’ll never meet, or fallen hero’s that died for a cause – you love them for merely existing.  “Thank you for your service” kind of love.

A new baby has entered the world.  They contribute nothing, drain you of money and sleep, but you still manage to love them merely for existing.

It’s a primal, earthly love that is lost to us in youth.  When we stop buying Teen Beat magazine and pining over Ralph Macchio.

Granted, you should never idolize anyone, I’m not saying that.  But you can appreciate their existence from afar.

After puberty, most kids stop appreciating from afar when they learn other needs can be met in closer vicinity.  Needs such as sex, or an egoic need that makes them feel good about themselves.  It has nothing to do with appreciation and it’s all about what they can get.

It’s like they stopped dreaming and started settling.  They settled for immediate gratification obtained through the use of another person.  And if that person stops procuring what they need, they get dumped.

I’m trying my hand at the unattached kind of love.  It’s like hippie love, but I’d rather think of it as the most basic primal love there is.  A love that we lost interest in since it’s not obtainable.  It can’t be controlled.

You love a person for merely existing, so let them exist.  Don’t interfere.  Add to their life, not destroy it by means of control or jealousy.   Because you’re afraid of losing them.  Afraid of losing someone that defines your own existence.

If you love someone, let them exist.  Appreciate them.

If I can find someone who’s able to love this way, I’ll marry them and never let him out of my site.  You can’t trust those damn hippies with their enigmatic gravitational energy.


The doctor thinks my Dad might have prostate cancer.

My brother – “Don’t google it.”

He know’s how much I like to Google things.  But I took his advice and have not done so.

My Pop went in for a routine blood check and found out he has a large number of a certain type of blood cell associated with prostate cancer.  The doctor wants to wait a month to see if they rise again.

I’ve always been a proponent of unattached love.  When I’m at my strongest, I’m invincible to all heartache.  I don’t let anything beat me down.

But that’s never been the case with my parents.  I’m attached to them big time.  I need them.  I’ll never be able to let go.  So this whole prostate thing, it can’t happen.

I’m not Googling it.  I can’t.  I won’t.

I can’t do this thing they call life.




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What If The Big Bang Never Happend?

Hear me out for a second.  I don’t have much time, but want to put this down on paper before it falls into the void.  It’s for a book idea.

I watch a lot of documentary’s about the universe, quantum mechanics and physics.  I even read a few books about it.

  • I learned that the universe is expanding faster and faster until dark energy will tip the scales and become so great that it’ll be powerful enough to rip atoms apart.

This will happen billions of years from now.

  • I also learned that multi-universes must exist in order to explain the perfection of our own universe.
  • Particles can pop in and out of existence in the vacuum of space.  This is the only stable theory that explains the big bang (creating something from nothing).  One popular hypothesis is that it “borrows” energy from a parallel dimension.  But it quickly has to repay its debt by popping back out of existence.
  • And finally, I learned that anything that falls into a black hole leaves an imprint on the event horizon.  A little data packet of information that can be used to reconstruct whatever it was that fell into the black hole.  Whether it be your wallet, with all your credit cards in it, or a hat.

Furthermore, there’s a few physicists that actually believe that’s all we are, data packets on an event horizon.  Packets of energy that’s been reconstructed as the walking talking holograms we are today.  Not just people, but planets, stars, time, space – everything is a hologram.  Our universe is nothing more than a hologram being projected from a place light can never reach.

The gravity we feel is a byproduct of the black hole.  The stuff that holds us all together.  Perhaps gravity is the repayment of borrowed energy?  A magnet from a different dimension?

My book idea is this; what if instead of there being a multiverse of floating universes that never meet, it’s more like a multiverse that works like a fire works show?  Once the “big rip” happens and the old universe is destroyed by dark energy, a new universe pops into existence by overlapping it?  Like when one firework starts to fade, another one explodes on top of it.

Nothing ever dies in this way, just fades away.

Scientists claim that time didn’t exist before the big bang.  This is because of spacetime.  Time and space are dependent on each other and if there was no space, there was no time.

But with my firework analogy, there was a time before time.  Nothing is separated.  Just lost in a different time.

Past, present and future all exist simultaneous at the same time.  This can be proven with the laws of physics and spacetime.  It just depends on your perspective.  And I watched a documentary explaining this, the same documentary that talks about the universe eventually being torn apart leaving no trace of space or time in it’s wake and I started thinking about the grandfather paradox.

How can there be an end to time?  If there is an end to time, how can time exist now?  When it doesn’t exist in the future?

Think about it this way…..

Let’s say the universe is about to end in 5 seconds.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1……what happens next?  The blankness?  The nothingness?  If this is true, than where are we?  If all time happens simultaneous depending on your perspective, how can time exist and not exist at the same time?  How can we be here and not here?

Because there is no end of time, only new fireworks.  Time has to be perpetual in order for us to exist.

And what about the big bang theory?  What if it never exploded?

When particles pop out of nothingness, they borrow their energy from someplace.  But they can’t stay in existence because they quickly need to repay the borrowed energy.

What if the big bang started off as a singularity so massively dense using borrowed energy, nothing escaping it’s gravity, that when it exploded – it swallowed itself back up forming an immense black hole?  And we are merely trapped on the surface as a hologram?  And once that energy has been repaid, the process starts all over again.  More fireworks.

It’s like we’re on the surface of a balloon.  Technically, there is no center point of a balloon, no center of the universe, no center of explosion since spacetime expands as the universe expands.  But what if we can somehow float under the membrane of the balloon, into it’s real center?  The origin, if you will.

That’s kinda my book idea, kinda sorta.  Someone who can pass through the membrane of the balloon and from their perspective, they’re able to see the past, present and future, and the deeper they fall into the hole, the older time gets.  They can see past universes.  It becomes such a blur that it leads into infinity.  Every possibility existing at the same time.

Anyway, it’s 2:37 in the morning and I need to be up at 8.  I really hope this doesn’t become a problem again.  Staying up late to blog.  I had it under control for the longest time.



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Explaining the impossible with infinity

Whenever scientists can’t explain something, they chalk it up to infinity.

“The universe is infinite so according to the laws of probability, the likelihood of there being a habitable planet such as our own is no mystery.  It’s science.”

There’s too many unexplained coincidences that make life possible on earth.  The more we learn about our dependance on these factors, the more we believe in the infinite.

There’s just no other way.

This explains the mystery of how life on earth is possible, but now science has recently discovered dark energy.  We’re no longer looking at how life on earth is made possible, but how the universe itself is stable enough to support us.

It is again, miraculous.  Nearly impossible in it’s likelihood that our universe is fit for human life, or any life for that matter.  Stars and planets are also found to be improbable.

Dark energy is the opposite force of gravity.  Gravity pulls us in and dark energy pulls things apart.

The amount of dark energy being used to expand the universe is in such small quantities that it baffles physicists.  But it’s also the perfect number.  More or less of it, time and space wouldn’t exist.

Before the big bang, space and time didn’t exist.  There was nothing.  I hit zen when I was 7 years old while pondering this “nothingness”.  I called it blankness because I didn’t have the words to define it, I still don’t.

But anyway, our universe is measurable and has a beginning.  It’s like a contained bubble floating amid nothingness, or blankness.

Once again physicists are convinced that there has to be infinite multiple universes.  There’s no other way to explain the perfection of our cosmos.  It’s too perfect to be explained.

Explaining everything we don’t understand with infinity and probability is the same as using God as an explanation.  It’s not real science.  It can’t be measured or proven.  It’s more philosophy than anything.  Scientists know this, but can’t ignore this simple explanation.

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I just got a jail broken fire stick today and watched my first jail broken movie on it, Arrival.

I don’t condone jail broken fire sticks, I give nobody permission to use a jailbroken anything other than myself.

Now that that’s clear, I want to talk about this movie!


The whole premise of the movie (this is a spoiler just so you know), is that by learning a special language – the alien language – it reconstructs your brain into seeing your future memories.

I learned about this a while ago on my own during one of my ruminating epidemics.  People of other languages interpret things differently and therefore must think differently.  I never knew this was an actual study called the sapir-whorf hypothesis until I watched this movie.

So anyway, if you learn their alien language fluently, you’ll be able to interpret time differently.  So it’s non-linear.  The memories you make in the future can help you out in the present by giving you clues on what to do next.

I know I wrote about this paradox before, how this is impossible even if it were to be possible.  The whole grandfather time travel paradox for example.  But the movie skirts around this issue by not changing the past.

Your future memories are the best possible outcome so instead of changing anything, you’re simply following the thread to the best future possible which has already happened in your future memories.

Confusing?  Yes.  They don’t explain all that in the movie, it’s more implied than anything.  I think it would make a better book so people understand this a little better.

But this is so similar to what I was going through during the fall of 2015.  If you read my posts from back then, I was purposely writing to my future self to help me out.  To send me strength or answers, or both.  I was praying to myself because according to ayahuasca, there is no god, just us.  This doesn’t make me an atheist, it’s just that, well, it’s too complicated to get into at the moment.  And I vowed never to get transfixed with crazy preach speech again.

Screw it, one more time I’ll try to explain my interpretation of God when I intuited it from ayahuasca.

God is the universe.  That’s probably a universal understanding, nothing new there.  But what exactly is the universe?

Our technology today can measure just about anything.  We can measure the static residue caused by the big bang and figure out how old the universe is, and how big it’s becoming.  Basically according to science, the universe is a finite, measurable place.  It’s measurable because it had a beginning.

Now lets look at what’s beyond the measurable/known universe.  What do you think is out there?

More universe, that’s what’s out there.

Now, just take a moment and think about this.  I mean really think about it.  If there’s more universe, an infinite universe, do you know what that means?  Do you know what that implicates?  It implies everything.  Literally everything is out there.

In other words, another you is out there.  It’s mathematically impossible for there not to be another you in an infinite sea of universes.  Not only that, but it’s impossible for there not to be an infinite number of you’s in an infinite sea of universes.

Everything exists.  Even Jesus.

But you may argue that these other replica’s of earth must abide by our laws of physics.  It’s impossible to turn water into wine no matter what world you live in.  And yes, that’s true if you’re speaking about our “known” universe, but all other universes can have their own set of laws.

Do you understand what I’m saying?  Everything exists.  Everything.  It’s like when I experienced my two seconds of emptiness (I know I talk about that a lot and it’s getting old), when I felt nothing but possibilities.  Nothing exists but possibilities.

Another way to interpret this infinity is to imagine an ape typing on a typewriter.  Given enough time, he’ll eventually type Hamlet word for word.  Not only Hamlet, but every book ever written, every book that was never written.

So when people believe in God, do they even know what that means?  Do they have any idea what god is?  How can you believe in something when you don’t even know what it is that you believe in?

After doing ayahuasca, belief in god or in any religion, is mind boggling baffling to me.

The universe is God.  If there are infinite universes, does that mean there are an infinite number of gods?

Instead of believing in god, I known for certain that I exist.  So I’m more comfortable believing in myself.  An infinite amount of Melanie’s all blogging simultaneous.

There’s this thing in physics called quantum entanglement.  Two completely separate particles act like one particle.  Whatever happens to one of them, happens to it’s twin.  Even lightyears apart.  None can explain this.

What if I’m quantumly entangled with all these infinite Melanie’s?  They can send me secret messages via gut-feelings?  What happens to their soul when they die?  Do we become one?

Ayahuasca also told me that I must believe in god in order for me not to go to hell.  It’s totally contradictory.  This I can not explain, or understand.

What I intuited is that I have to have complete faith in the “process” without any fear what-so-ever and the only way to get around the obstacle of fear is to believe in a higher power.  Absolute trust.

So, God exists and doesn’t exist at the same time.  It’s Schrodinger’s cat all over again.

Anyway, today is Wednesday night, technically Thursday.  The last time I went to work was on Sunday.  These last few days were blissful.

I actually have to finish charging my member clients because it’s the first of the month….it’s already 12:08 so I should do that.

I haven’t done my taxes like I said I would.  My reason being is that Groupon didn’t send me my tax statement yet.  It’s a valid excuse.  All my receipts are tally’d up just about so all I need to do is plug in the numbers.

I love my receptionist.  These past few days of bliss were made possible by her being there instead of me.

My only worries hanging over my head are:

  1. Doing my taxes
  2. Hiring another therapist

And that’s it.  Even with my two employee’s leaving me, the business will be fine.  They picked the best possible time to move on.  Is this due to that higher power ayahuasca mentioned?  Because I’m learning how to trust the process?

I don’t know.  All I know is that it is strange to see my life shaping up exactly how I want it to be.  It’s strange to think I can have my own house as soon as next year, and the time and money for travel and leisure.  It’s all happening, inch by painful inch.

Husband and kids were never meant for me, I never wanted them.  But why?  I don’t know why I don’t want them while everyone else I know does.  There has got to be something bigger taking place.  Is this part of trusting the process?  The things we desire, do these desires come from something outside ourselves?  They seeded themselves within us, making us believe we have a choice and that it came from us, our decision, but what if it has to do with the process?

Desire and addiction are not the same.  Addiction is the opposite of trust.  Addiction is ego, it’s filling the void where trust should be.

I don’t know, I feel like, I don’t know…..I don’t know about any of this.  But it’s so fun to think about.  How I can formulate an equation that the universe abides by.  A formula that if I crack it, would unlock every answer to every question.  Making my wildest dreams come true.

I should freaking charge the rest of my members.

I will NOT watch another movie on my jailbroken fire stick tonight.  I will NOT.  I especially will NOT write a 1400 word blog post about said movie.

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I wanted to write about something else entirely but wrote this instead

I sold my soul these past few months (or years, who’s keeping track?) to accomplish something in order to accomplish something completely unrelated.  Goals that have nothing to do with massaging anybody.

You know what I hate the most?  Patience and conformity.  And that’s exactly what I’m doing each time I have to give a massage.  It’s like each massage is a therapy session in anger management and eating my humble pie.

I just started reading a book, it’s called “Presence” by Amy Cuddy and I HIGHLY recommend it.  It’s not one of those wishy washy metaphysical books about the law of attraction or creative visualization, this book talks more about the science behind what makes us tick.

There’s so many awesome things in this book, all of them tried and tested on actual human volunteers to back up these theories.

One of them for instance, is why do we have expressions?  But digging deeper than that, the stuff that expert lie detectors look for, are minute nano-expressions that give away a persons true intentions and feelings.  Our subconscious mind picks up on these escaped “nano” expressions and when we witness them, although we witness them subconsciously, we intuitively feel that person’s emotion due to our mirror neurons mimicking that same expression on our own face (even without our knowledge).  We wouldn’t feel their true intention if we didn’t also share that same expression the same moment the offender leaked it.

They tested this with people who just had botox injections.  Their faces were paralyzed and thus didn’t allow for these inconceivable micro expressions to be mimicked and because they couldn’t mimic, they were unable to pick up the true feelings and intent of the person in question.  Their intuition escaped them.  But it’s not intuition at all, it’s the fact that we can subliminally mimic other people’s expressions.  It’s not about trusting our “gut”, although it may feel that way, but it’s actual science at play behind the curtain.

I’m some-what manipulative at times, but I use this harmless evil for good.  When clients balk about this past election, no matter who they voted for, I mimicked their expression, understood exactly where they were coming from and agreed with them.  I did this for both Hilary and Trump fans.  No hair was raised on the back of anyones neck and fangs didn’t show, I taken the slick way out.

“There’s no way he’ll win, what kind of America will allow that?”  Or, “Trump at least tells it like it is, that’s for sure.  He wants to give America back to the people.”

It’s all BS, Hillary was better suited for the job, anyone could see that just by watching the debates.  But she was lacking likability and trustworthiness which was another awesome thing Amy talked about it her book, Presence.

As it turns out, according to numerous studies, there are two types of people in the world.  There are trustworthy people and then there are competent people.  We are unable to process a person in existence being both trustworthy and competent.  They contradict each other.

(This fits so well into the election this year).

The thing is, a competent person is less liked by the majority due to their ability to manipulate.  They might be trustworthy, but we don’t know for sure due to their high intelligence and manipulation skills.

For instance, it’s like saying, “How can you be so sure of that? How can you pull that off?  What if you’re just manipulating us?”

Whereas, a more likable person, a more trustworthy person, one who doesn’t hide nano-expressions, doesn’t hide anything, will spout his hopes, dreams and dislikes – at times, incoherently, but we trust him because of his fallibility.  His lack of intelligence to manipulate and schmooze.  Even if it means being an ignorant asshole.

The book explains it a hell lot better that I can.

And given a choice on whether to be competent or trustworthy, mostly everybody picks competence.  But even the highest achievers at MIT end up in menial positions due to their lack of social skills.  Competence equals untrustworthiness.  It equals lack of control to the little guys.  How can we control anything if we don’t know what’s really going on?

The fear of looking foolish kills personality and humility, trust is the only thing that matters.

But here is my TRUE reaction when watching the debate last Tuesday:  The setting?  At my friend Jill’s house with her Mother and her boyfriend all chain smoking, biting their nails freaking out that Hillary might lose.  Me?  I was secretly excited for one reason and one reason only; this is going to be a damn entertaining 4 years ahead of us.

Me thinking:  If this guy wins, ANYTHING can happen.  It’s a Simpsons episode, it’s not real.  Life is truly a dream of comical insane circumstances where all and anything you dream up is possible.

Hillary would’ve been just another boring president, making nice and calling the safest rational shots – the most coherent shots relevant to our current political views, but with Trump, he’s a loose cannon and knows shit about diplomacy.

Oh god there’s so much I want to write about but my brother gave me a Xanax and damn, my whole body is asleep except for my fingertips typing.

I hired a bunch of new therapists and my sick therapist is back taking clients, so my schedule has freed up a great deal.  I wish I can write about that.  I want to write about how awesome my day was today.

But I’m physically incapable.

Let me just write real quick about what else this books says; being present, being calm and level-headed, has to do with being an observer of the world.  The calmest, most clear thinkers  view others and not themselves when conversing.  They rarely say “I” or “me”, it’s always about the person they are interacting with.  It’s the anxious, depressed people who transfix and focus on themselves, giving little room for anything else.  Basically the selfish and fearful.

In my opinion, it’s the people who don’t know how to love.  (I’ll possibly write a post about that).

I already knew this!  I learned this trick way back and yes, I learned it because I broke down my own anxiety and self-conscious foibles into understanding that it’s a selfish derivative.  Only made real in my own mind.  The answer is out, not in.

She also stated that trauma is caused by a lost battle.  I recently learned this one, but I learned it before reading her take on it.  Of course she can back up her words with fancy studies, interviewing and testing volunteers and the like, whereas I just philosophized.  Poorly at that, but still….

I love reading books like this.  Books that I’m like, “yes exactly!”  It makes me feel less alone out there.  That others spend just as much time, if not more, on delving into the science behind the mind.  Stuff that’s not found in books yet.

Oh god I have to sleep….

I wanted to write about the Banach-Terski paradox amongst other things, it’ll have to wait.  Oh how I miss writing….

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Fuck the election

I just taken an oxycodone.  I know nothing about narcotics, only that this one is pretty popular.  My friend gave it to me a while back and I tucked it away for a rainy day.

I wanted to do some research before gulping it down and I found out that if I crush this little bugger instead of swallowing it, I can die.  My friend forgot to mention that little nugget of trivia.  If I chew and swallow, I might never wake up.

It’s 8:33 PM.  Well, actually it’s really 9:33 because of daylight savings.  We just fell behind today.

This pill is time-released.  That’s why you can’t chew it.  You shouldn’t even cut it in half.

I’m starting to get very sleepy.

That post I wrote, the one with the $$$ as its title, I just want to clarify that it’s still too early to know for certain if I’m actually netting $100 a day.  It’s too soon to tell.  It’s on par with someone announcing on Facebook that they’re one week pregnant.  Or that their boyfriend had just inserted his penis and taken it back out and now there might be babies (smiling and celebratory emoji’s).

Most pregnancy’s don’t even make it to full term, so this new found success of mine is like a week old fetus, not even that.  It’s the sperm still in the sack.  And not even a healthy sack.  It’s a 300 pound 40 year old virgins sack is where my success is.  Basically non-existant.

I’ve been working a lot.  An insane amount.  The president of the United States works less than I do and thus, the oxycodone that now resides in my gut.  Gently eking out blissful lullaby’s.

I need MORE therapists.  Here’s who I hired so far:  Karyl, Patricia, Igor, Debora, Austin and Lori.  All within the last 30 days.

And it’s still not enough.

I finally felt it today, the anger welling up inside.  It was unbearable and I hate myself for it.  How can I be angry that my business is busy?  How can I be angry that clients like us and that I finally have some extra dough?

Because I hate giving massage.  I hate it, detest it, I loathe it, abhor it.  And while I’m massaging, the phone goes unanswered, the emails, unchecked.  My new employee’s are clueless as to what to do (I haven’t had time to train them).

With each client I massage, I sink further and further into a wretched venomous anger.  I feel my horns, the scales on the back of my throat, an acidic burn.  I become the embodiment of evil.  Miserable.  The most miserable wretched person.  The most ungrateful, naive, spoilt bratty prat.

I don’t often feel anger and it’s amazing that I feel it under these circumstances – having to give copious amounts of massage.  I mean, who gets angry over that?  I mean really angry?  As much as I do?

One of my new therapists got booked last minute for a half-hour massage today and she asked if someone else can take it (aka me).  I wanted to punch her.

That’s what sparked my anger, my outrage, by her asking that.  Of course I said no.  What I really wanted to say was, “are you fucking kidding me?”

I was angry for the rest of the day, until I finished with my last client.  All because she asked that.

I added another massage room to the lease.  It’s a real shit-hole.  The amount of work that needs to be done is seismic.  And we need that room set up as soon as humanly possible so every time I have to massage someone, I get angry.  I get angry because I have NO TIME for anything.

Two of my co-workers asked if I was Okay – I had no idea, literally no clue, my aggravation was showing on the outside.

People are so caught up in the election.  Fuck the election.  I don’t give a shit about the election.  Literally, this year feels like a civil war between Trump and Hillary fans.  If you’re a Trump fan, Hillary fans will smite you, belittle you, call you names and same goes for Trump fans.  And it’s such a close race that the entire election is based off of smear campaigns.  Whoever has the biggest most recent scandal on Tuesday will be the loser.  Last week, Trump had the biggest scandal but this week, Hillary’s is bigger (maybe not bigger, but more recent).  It doesn’t matter how big the scandal is, as long as it’s not in todays paper, you’re safe.  Your policies don’t matter, only your character.  Only trust matters.  And only if you can be trusted TODAY.  Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today.

I think all Trump and Hillary supporters are idiots (sorry 85% of my Facebook friends).

Holy shit I’m tired.

I’m just tired, period.  Even without the oxycodone, I’m sick and tired.  Sick and tired thinking my reprieve is right over this last and final hill I have to climb.  It’s never the last and final hill, there’s always another.  And that’s where my anger comes from.

This little pill is acting like a sleeping pill, not much else is happening.  No euphoria or anything like that.  It’s BS.  At least my back’s no longer hurting.

I was cruising Facebook earlier and found out that China has a tradition of eating dogs for one week a year.  The facebook post was a petition to get it stopped.  The dog eating begins in 7 days.  There were pictures of dogs getting boiled alive and set on fire alive, I can NOT read stuff like that.  Each year, less and less Chinese are attending the event.  Most of them find it sickening.  There are protesters everywhere, it’s not a safe celebration anymore with so many activists these days and knowing that, makes me feel better.

But I can’t stop hugging and kissing my dog now.  I feel like by me loving him so much and taking care of him, I’m somehow helping the poor dogs in China, and the poor starving strays worldwide actually.  Like I’m giving them a big hug too.

If only I can see people the way I see dogs, you know what I mean?  People suffer too, they’ve been burned, molested, tortured….people suffer every day.  But you don’t see me hugging and kissing people like I’m hugging and kissing my dog (and all the dogs of the world).

I don’t get it.  Maybe people cancel each other out.  People make other people suffer, so by me loving people, that means I’m also loving the abusers, the molesters, the narcissists.  Yes, people definitely cancel each other out.  When I hug one person, it’s not like I’m hugging all the people in all the world.  Not like when I hug my dog.



Filed under journal, philosophy, Politics, random thoughts, rant, Self help, work