I had a very big break thru while playing in a poker tournament Sunday. It was one of my greatest epiphany’s of all time (besides my awakening with ayahuasca). It has to do with duality, going deeper into your fears, belief, faith, courage and trust.
The framework needed to be able to deeply feel this epiphany on a profound level is to have absolute belief in the existence of a spirit realm and to know that us human beings create the reality we see around us. That we all possess Godly knowledge and power. Understanding this fundamental truth is the basic principal into awakening. Knowing that this world is an illusion built upon karma, ego and duality – all necessary to further our evolutionary process.
Our collective consciousness is the medium in which we all paint.
But in order for us to process this understanding, we must take the leap of faith and separate ourselves from the ego bound nature of physical reality.
What people do to each other is insane. The further you are from compassion and non-judgement, the more insane you become. This is what evil is. And it’s this rub that shapes us. By adopting consciously aware and mindful choices, you choose the path of stepping away from circumstances that are out of your control. You evolve into a more blessed being – a wise guide that contributes to our one collective soul body.
This is where duality comes into play. The friction between the spiritual and the physical. The light from the dark. Very few people are even aware they have continuous access to the light.
I dubbed the dark ego-bound emotional reality as being the big almighty rock tumbler. We are thrown into this big vat of abrasive cohorts to shape and polish us. Both sides fighting for what they believe is right. But what they fail to realize is that fighting is fighting regardless of the cause. In the dark and almighty rock tumbler, all that exists are perceptions, not truths. No one can see the light in front of them while being shrouded in darkness and tumbling in the emotional upheaval of insanity. Grasping at whomever is near for stability and reason.
If you’re awake, you can choose to step out of the rock tumbler and see it for what it really is, a learning playground. And when you throw yourself back into it, getting your knee’s scraped up and suffering a bit, you actually feel better and stronger because of it. But you have to remain aware while you’re in there. Aware of the insanity and aware that all negative abrasive emotions are just insanity battling against even more insanity.
Staying aware is difficult because the gravity of others beliefs can suck you in. People normally take the side of the person they have more contact with simply because they get sucked in and stop seeing alternate perspectives. They are not aware and not in control (although they think they are). This is why children become the byproduct of their environment and of their parents fears. Until they break free and see the outside world on their own, they will fall victim to their circumstances and narrow perspectives. You become your environment and you want to protect those same circumstances that shaped your beliefs albeit whether they are wrong or right. They are you and you must defend yourself.
If you’re an awake individual, you become the polished gem inside the tumbler. One who uses compassion over abrasiveness, understanding over judgement and blame. You are humble enough to not have to protect yourself from attack. Stubbornness doesn’t exist in you, only understanding. Understanding of the process itself and seeing people’s inability to see the light. And having compassion for those who don’t see it and instead continue to suffer. You suffer along with them until you step out of the tumbler and dust yourself off. Feeling even more glorious than ever.
Very much like the feeling after having accomplished a long harrowing pilgrimage.
When you’re standing on the outside looking in, you can see the arial view of reality. You see the components, the insanity, the progression. If everyone were to lay down their arms, there would be no more progress. No evolution would take place. If we were all to stop fighting, hold hands and sing a church hymn – lose our ego, lose our duality, become one with nature and each other. If we were to do all that, reach nirvana, then a vital step in our evolutionary process would be missing.
It has to do with free will and conscious choice. We are individuals and because we are individuals, we must integrate our ego with the spirit in order to keep in tact the option of free will. We will lose our awareness if we’re not able to hold steady our individuality. We can not become powerful conscious creators if we lose our self-awareness. The rock tumbler is the process into gaining self-awareness, strength and courage.
The stronger you become, the less of the world you will fear. And without fear, you step into the portal of unwavering faith in yourself and God. You are consciously aware of the choices you make because of your integration with ego and spirit. We are no longer puppets, but the puppeteers. We become our adult higher selves instead of the slaves of fear. This is walking the path of greatness. And in walking this path, we consciously create our reality in our wake.
I still need to talk about duality, faith, going deeper into your fears and courage but I don’t want to make this post too long. This post is just a primer. My epiphany was so large making it super hard to explain. I felt it and then intuited the knowledge of how and why I was feeling it. There’s so many layers and parts to it.
I need to write it all down so I can incorporate it into memory. Honestly, I don’t know how it’s possible for people to not want to write. How will they remember things? How will they ever get better?
I had this post in my draft folder for days. I’ve been busy with other things. I threw myself back into the rock tumbler and tried being friends again with one of the Melanie Haters. The one who planned a vacation with my bff and purposely left me out of it.
It hurts being in the tumbler, I get scuffed up in the process – but I jumped back in using compassion as my guide instead of my defensiveness and trying to understand why. I will never understand why and not knowing the answer is all part of the tumbler. A part that bruises and scrapes against my ribcage aiming for my heart – both my greatest weakness and my greatest strength. It hits in waves and I let it do what it does until the tears come I say, “Okay enough,” and it subsides, slipping back into the tumbling chaos without me to follow suit.
I am out looking in and saying to myself, “Holy crap what a ride.”
I love the fact that I can feel so deeply. I love that I have a choice in letting myself feel it. It will only make me better – it has made me better. Ayahuasca told me that I’m special and I have gifts. Perhaps having such a big heart is one gift that is absent in others. I want to cry because I love this person I am. I see my ego self and I love her – I love that she feels so much.
I painted a picture for the Melanie Hater as a peace offering. I couldn’t think of anything else I could get her. Flowers, chocolate, bath soaps are all lame and so I painted a picture of us during happier times. When we were dressed up as Goldie Locks and the Three Bears on Halloween.
This is the product of 7 adult ed watercolor classes.
I was terrified of seeing her again. Afraid of hearing lies, being judged and blamed, looked down upon. These are all abrasives that left a scar. It can only be smoothed away with compassion and that compassion is what polishes me into a gem. Buffing out all my scuffed abrasive scars in the process.
So yeah, I’m fucking awesome….