Category Archives: journal

One More Day

I paid off $43,000 of debt in the last 12 months.  Call me crazy, but I’m more proud of that than anything else I’ve accomplished in this life.  In perspective, it’s kind of sad that my proudest moments revolve around debt.

I still have $12,500 left to go but with the groupons now expired, I have a clean slate to start all over again.  Paying off $12,500 won’t take long at all.  Not only that, but it’ll be paid while I sit home and do nothing.

I still can’t believe it.  The sitting home part I mean.  Last year during the summer I somehow ended up with 5 free days to myself.  I still remember it so clearly.  Each day felt like a blessing, but I had that uneasy feeling I get when leaving my business unattended.  This time however, I have a receptionist.  Not only a receptionist, but a better crew in general than I had last year.

If I were to have 5 days off again, I won’t have to suffer through that uneasy feeling.  At least, not as much as before.

Tomorrow, Sunday April 22, 2017 will be my last and final busy day on the schedule.  I have 4 clients.  After that, I have one or two clients every day next week and starting in May, I’ve got no one.

I know tomorrow is my last big day, but it’s hard to comprehend it emotionally.  All I’ve been doing for the last 4 years was work and sleep.  And just when I thought I could take a breather from it all, I was shortly back at it taking clients again.  That’s why it doesn’t feel real this time.  I’m not as excited as I should be.

*******************

My friend who owns the massage place next to me is working a LOT.  I see her car there every time I pull into the parking lot.  I saw she put herself on Groupon and I remember those days when it was just me with all those groupon clients coming in – I wouldn’t want to re-live that again, but I had peace of mind and stable income.  And the understanding that it’s only temporary.  It was actually less stress than having employee’s.

But I can’t help feeling responsible for her having to put herself on Groupon.  I did move into her territory after all.  And we do massage roughly 20 clients a day.  I’m scared to text her because anything I say will have a negative impact.

Has that ever happened to you?  No matter what comes out of your mouth, it sounds bad?

“So, how’s work?”  “How’ve you been?”  “Want to grab lunch?”

All those questions are annoyances when coming from the mouth of the source of your stress.

“No I don’t want fucking lunch!  I’m elbow deep in body grease because of you, you fool!”

We’re in the same industry and the only way I can escape the nickel and dime toil of it all was to join the ranks of business owners.  But it comes at a price.

As for another friend….

One of my friends is going through a tough time right now.  A really tough time.   And she wants me to hire her.

It’s not going to happen.  There are many reason as to why I’m not hiring her, I’ll tell you the biggest reasons…

She’s a drug addict.  Drug addicts steal.  And they don’t come any more broke than she does.

Her brain no longer works properly because of the drugs.  She talks like she’s manic, in a frenzy, can’t calm down.  And she speaks like she has marbles in her mouth.

She’s one of those people who thinks they know it all, but has no idea.  She may even be combative.

If she walked in off the street for an interview, I wouldn’t hire her.

The worst part is, she told me she’d work for free.  Just to have something on her resume.  How the hell am I going to get around that obstacle?  I don’t want her here at all!

Last night on the phone she was talking in her marbled, manic way, trying to convince me to hire her.

Her on the phone – “Did I sell myself to you?  How’d I do?”

I felt like I was going to puke.  I felt horrible.  I mean, what kind of “friend” am I?  I’m no friend at all.  Friends don’t do this.  But there’s no way she’s going to work for me, not even for free.

Me – “Well, I’m being sued right now so ……”

Her – “Let me handle your lawyer, I can do all the paperwork and he can speak to me directly.”

It’s almost like what I wrote about before, how everything out of your mouth sounds bad, no matter what it is.  It was like that with her last night and I wanted it to stop.

And the kicker…..this is the same girl I was literally in love with when I was 21 years old, 16 years ago.  I never loved anyone as much as I loved her, I still haven’t.  It’s the honest to gods truth!

But now…..now…..holy shit how the hell did this happen?  How can emotions shift so drastically like that?  Well, it’s been 16 years but still…..I’ve never felt anything as strongly as that only for it to be erased completely.

Shit I have to take a shower.

Today I got up, went to work to give a massage, came back home and played my video game, went back to work for one client, went home and played my game again.  I haven’t showered and I’m supposed to go out for my friends b-day party at a roller rink – yes a bunch of 37 year olds at a roller rink – it sounds fantastic!  I have to be there in exactly one hour.

But even on days like this when I only have 2 clients, it still wears me out.  There’s no way around it.  It’s why I’ve stopped exercising.  It’s why I stopped doing…..anything.  I literally don’t do anything anymore.

But it’s all going to change.  It’s going to change after next week.  I still can’t believe it.

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The Second Day of April

Only 28 more days until emancipation.

My thoughts are still positive, I’m hanging in there.  Doing good.

I swear my good vibes have everything to do with my stupid fantasies while I massage clients.  I fantasized about Oprah today.  She was interviewing me about my number one best selling book and I told her that I’m voting for her in the next election.

This abnormal good mood has got me thinking…..

I’ve heard from several sources that the brain can’t tell the difference between fantasy and fiction.  Or rather, I should say the body can’t tell the difference.

i.e, If you fantasize about running, your legs get stronger.  Dream about hitting a home run, it becomes easier to do in real life.

What if….now just hear me out for a moment……what if nothing is real unless the body thinks it’s real.

If you tell your body “this is really happening”, your brain get’s flooded with hormones associated with the vision you’re having.  It’s basically like taking a happy pill, or in some cases, viagra.

I’m not sure if this works with depressed people who actually need pills though…..Some people are depressed because nothing makes them happy, they have no happy fantasies other than that of bringing people down, making them feel as shitty as they do.

But if a person is depressed because they have no down time to ponder and dream, well, I seriously think this will work for them.  It’s like a free therapy session.

And lately I’ve been averaging 3-4 therapy sessions a day.

People like to call this process “Creative Visualization” but all it really is, is delving into your fantasies, day dreaming.  The worst thing anyone can do is to complicate this with fancy words, write a book about it and tell you how to do it.

Bull.  Shit.

I don’t care who you are, everyone know’s how to fantasize.  Being able to anticipate what will happen next is probably the greatest asset to the human race.  Anticipate and plan, how else would we have made it this far?

We literally created this world, this society, with vision.  With fantasies.

Just think if the world were void of fantasies.  Nothing would be planned out, no considerations taken – we would live like animals, like beasts.  No imagining what it’s like to be in another mans shoes.  No dream homes or dream vacations.  No dreams.

No children playing house, or playing with toys, no pretend or make-believe, no books, no plays, no shows, no movies, no inspiration, no want’s – just needs.

Since when did wanting something become bad?  As opposed to need?  You can want money, tons of it, but when money becomes a need….need becomes greed.  I’ll write about that later, possibly a different post.  Too long to fit it here tonight.

I believe you should always want and never need.  “Need” breeds thoughts of lack, thoughts of fear.  It’s all perspective.

There’s got to be some kind of kinetic symbiosis, a synergy between mind and body, action and heart.  Believe and do.

Friggin’ fantasies man….

In other news…..

You remember my crazy aunt and OCD cousin?  Yeah well, they both moved to Tennessee to be closer to my aunt’s other son, the normal one, hoping he can share the burden of OCD cousin.  Perhaps finally getting the help he needs.  That was the plan at least.

Just as I suspected, her other son wasn’t much help.  Not only was he no help, but my aunt’s mind started slipping.

I knew this would happen.  Her “normal” son being too busy with his own life.  And I knew that OCD cousin would cling to my aunt like a wet nappy, eventually collapsing her wall of lies, driving her mad.

The apartment superintendent took on the role of orderly, my mom would call him to have him check in on her sister.

I’m talking about the woman who destroyed my life for nearly 10 years.  A woman whom I couldn’t even look at, let alone talk to.  Who called me names, lied about me, drained my fathers retirement fund, almost ruined his house…..ruined our happy home.

That woman is sitting upstairs as we speak.

With her mind gone, she remembers nothing of the past.  She bought me a Hershey’s candy bar and became so excited when it came time to hand it to me.

Mom – “She’s been holding onto it all day, bringing it everywhere.”

Aunt – “Here, I knew you’d like it.”  It looked like it had melted and solidified a few times over.  She handed it to me with the proud enthusiasm of a child.

I used to pity my aunt.  I felt sorry for her.  I felt sorry for her before she moved away and lost her mind.

There’s a difference between pity and compassion.  There’s a distasteful disconnect there – like a judgment, when you pity someone.

How am I supposed to judge my aunt now?  With her four missing front teeth and her feeble child-like mind?

When you’re unable to judge someone, you can’t pity them.

Where does judgement come from?

Rational Brain – “It’s a comparison between yourself and another person.  If you take pity on someone, you’re essentially placing yourself higher than the person you are judging.  Feeling better about yourself because you are not them.”

Notice how we don’t judge the mentally disabled?  The crippled?  The poor starving child?

We don’t judge them because we don’t blame them.

Why do we blame others?  Because they should know better?  They should help themselves?  God helps those who help themselves, after all.

Where does this blame, this anger and disgust come from?

I wrote in a past post that it comes from our own feelings of helplessness (I wrote a long post about it, I won’t get into tonight).  It means we have no power to change things.

We want to control, to manipulate.  But hopelessness stops that from happening.  It’s why we war.

As far as my aunt goes…..the past doesn’t matter anymore.

Impermanence is what’s real.  Nothing lasts forever.  People destroy themselves.  They either learn from their mistakes or are destroyed by them.

Opinions change, perspectives change.  But there remains one constant Truth.  The white and black wolves.  Blame and responsibility.  Cowardly versus bravery, wrong versus right.

Fantasies edge you closer to knowing the differences between these things.

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It’s now April 7th.  My good mood has left the building.  It’s so far gone that I’m back at pitying my aunt, going as far to think that she’s faking her mental disability.

At least I never have to see her.

OCD cousin is still living in Tennessee, living alone with no car, no money or job.  He lives on disability checks.  I’m almost positive he’ll be kicked out of his apartment due to causing water damage of some sort.  My family unanimously agreed he’s no longer welcomed in this house.  His brother that lives in Tennessee with him has practically disowned him.

My good mood is gone in part due to exhaustion.  By massaging too much.  I tried to slip into my fantasy world while massaging, but my body didn’t agree to it.

Like I wrote before, nothing is real unless the body thinks it’s real.  And as of late, it screams exhaustion.  I couldn’t fantasize even if I tried.

Even worse, my exhaustion perpetuates itself with more exhaustion.  My fantasy world turned dark, resenting massage, resenting the lawsuit, feeling hopeless – and my body, being as tired as it is, agreed with it.  It screamed,  “Yes I’m fucking tired of it!”

This is the first day in a long while where I got to sleep in.  I only have two evening appointments.

I fully remember now why I don’t want to massage anymore.  I always seem to forget.

I think the worst will be over and done with by April 16th.  Most of the groupons will be either expired or redeemed by then.  Then I can retire myself and continue my initial plan of paying off my debt and saving for a house – not giving a second thought on the lawsuit since it’s out of my hands at this point.

I just have to make it until the 16th.

I’m so completely miserable.  So angry.  So annoyed.  How can this happen?  April 2nd, I felt fine.  I was peaceful and content with myself.  And now I’m evil incarnate.  And I can’t fight it, I can’t break it down to understand it.  I can’t beat it.

It’s like, will I always have to live with this feeling of unease?  I should know the answer to that is no.  Nothing is permanent.  Change is inevitable.

How can the answer be this simple…..that I’ve been massaging more, under a lot of stress from clients trying to book appointments last minute – how can it be that simple?  I’m having trouble believing that this feeling will be over in approximately 10 days.  It’s never been over, so why should I believe it now?

My demons will end up destroying me.  Just like they destroyed everyone who came before me.  My doubt, my fear.  I really hope I’m not lying to myself because I at least have that going for me.  If I am lying to myself, I’m a damn good liar.

I tell you what though, if Mollie and Melissa were here to take my clients, I would’ve run out of money weeks ago.  It’s weird how stuff like that keeps happening.  Horrible things that turn into good things.

When I was standing on the roof of that Hotel in Bangkok, I decided to just go for it.  To hire an aesthetician and add facials.  But I couldn’t buy facial products without having business insurance first.  The only reason why I had business insurance at that time was because of those damn facials and I’m thanking the stars and heavens now for having got it.

And I wouldn’t have moved my business as quickly as I did if it weren’t for the vandalous acts of one employee.  My business was failing at that old place and I was losing my head with having to wash sheets.

It’s like, my business would’ve failed ages ago if these horrible things/choices never transpired.  It’s nuts but it’s true!  Everything keeps righting itself.  And it rights itself by disasters.

I don’t believe in miracles, but I believe in disasters.  What if disasters are the miracles?  Ayahuasca said we only grow through suffering, so disasters make sense.  They especially make sense if they get you to your desired goal.

***********************

I just took a shower and I’m starting to feel better already.  Not as miserable as before.  I only have 2 clients today, not enough of them to exhaust me, and I have strength for some good old fashioned daydreaming.  But it all unravels tomorrow.  I’m fully booked and my receptionist doesn’t work on the weekend.  It’ll be misery through and through.

It’s weird though, how exhaustion can impact you like that.  It completely warps your thoughts.  Any little thing sets you off.  It’s no wonder why I want to be left alone, to get away.  I don’t want to be exhausted anymore.

According to the numbers yesterday, we have 108 signature couples massages that are not yet expired and 143 single person massages.  All will be expired by the end of this month, most of them before April 25th.

I guess I should publish this shit.

Either exhaustion warps my thoughts, or I really am bi-polar.  Either way, I think I have a handle on it.  As long as I have days like this, where I can sleep in and blog a little.

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Happy St Patty’s Day?

Whenever I’m stressed and worried, I can’t do much else.  I hunker down and do nothing but wait.  I count the days until my next reprieve and this time around, it happens in May.

I have two stresses at the moment and the most protrusive is my looming lawsuit, for obvious reasons.  I’d rather undergo a root canal than get sued.  I’d rather break an arm, or have a large portion of my intestines removed.

My second stress is the onslaught of clients my little business is enduring.  We have approximately 180 signature couples massages left to be redeemed.  180 that are not yet expired (we have 90 that are already expired).  And we have around 300 single person massages left which I’m not the least bit concerned about.

All of them expire by the end of next month which leaves me with glorious May to look forward to.

My calculations were correct and the business can survive monetarily until the end of April, just barely, but it’ll survive.  Then there will be room for regular priced clients.

Truth be told, this lawsuit couldn’t have happened at a better time.  Hold on now, let me tell you why.  I’m not being sarcastic.

First of all, if they sued me while I was in all that debt, I wouldn’t have been able to hire a lawyer.  Not only that, but when it came time to go bankrupt, I not only would have to bankrupt my business, but suffer personal bankruptcy as well – I’d have no reserves to pull from to start over again especially if I was still stuck at my shitty old location.

If they sued me a year from now, when I have a decent pile of money saved towards a house – that money would be wiped away.

However, if they sue me now, while I still have debt to pay, any excess money in my business account will be transferred over to my personal line of credit, where it’s safe.  I can pay off my last remaining credit card.  I’ll lose nothing.  And the groupons are almost all redeemed, soon we’ll have nothing but regular priced clients which means the business can pick up and start paying for itself even without any reserve money in the bank.  I’ve done it before just last year in August 2016.  I had zero money in the bank on August 1st and I wasn’t the slightest bit worried.

Okay, maybe a little worried, but nothing major.

So this is a great time to be sued!

One of my insurance agencies called the business today asking for me but my lawyer handles all that stuff.  I figure if they got me on the phone they’ll find out how stupid and naive I really am.  I’d admit to something or agree to something I shouldn’t which would get them off the hook.

Anyway, when I hunker down like this and count the days, time goes by both fast and slow.  Each day is excruciatingly slow.  May can’t come soon enough.  But at the same time, I can’t believe it’s Friday again.  Last Friday feels like yesterday.

I really hope my insurance companies agree to represent me.  That’ll be one slight relief at least.  And I think State Farm handles bankruptcies which will most definitely happen.

My receptionist/friend wants me to go to Italy so badly that she offered to buy my plane ticket after I told her that I can’t go.  She called me and talked for a good half hour nonstop about how important it is to her that I go.

At first I refused flat out saying no way, then I said “I’ll pay you back”, then I accepted defeat and said “sure, I’ll go.”

If you heard her on the phone, you’d understand.  Saying No would’ve been a massive slap in the face.

Once everything is done with, I’ll make it up to her.  I’ll buy us a Groupon vacation or something.  They are wicked cheap!  Me and her together for a Groupon vacation once this is all behind us, will be an astounding victory.  One for the books.  Can you imagine?  It’s like, too good to be true.  Too damn good.  It’ll be reminiscent of when I stood on the roof of that really expensive hotel in Bangkok – I felt limitless and I haven’t even begun my success yet.

My therapist with the skin disorder is still out sick.  One week turned into the rest of the month and all of next month is blocked off as well.  I’ve been massaging more lately but I think it’s good for me.  I’m saving a ton of money by taking her clients and I need that right now so I’m okay with it.  It does make it harder for people to book though.

I beat my game already, Horizon Zero Dawn.  I didn’t want it to end.  But it’s a good thing since it was keeping me up until 3am each night.  It’s good that it’s over.

My new addiction is listening to “The Girl with all the Gifts”.  I want to read the book before I watch the movie which looks pretty badass.  I’m already on chapter 34.

But with all this stress and worry, I wish I can find a happy book to read.  Like another Harry Potter series or something.

I had two clients today then went to Cosco for work supplies, came home and finished my Dad’s taxes and laid in bed listening to my audiobook and fell asleep for 4 hours, woke up in time to eat corned beef and cabbage.  It’s St Patricks day and like always, my mom makes the quintessential Irish cuisine to perfection.  It was sooo good.

It was a relatively good day.  I’m still shackled to my bunker, hunkering down.  Not wanting to do anything aside from laying with my dog.  I feel my life slipping by, but I can’t wait for these next 6 weeks to slip by.  Like skating down the hallway in my socks, a habit I never broke free of.

I had an odd dream last night.  I usually don’t dream when I fall asleep to audiobooks, but it happened anyway in a short burst of imagery.  It was an SNL skit.  3 black men were all dressed up as fat women who had their own soap making business.  They were singing a song and polishing their soap on their aprons in unison.  I, for whatever reason, found this hilarious.  when I woke up, I went to the bathroom and looked up what laughter and soap means.  All good stuff, forgot what exactly but it was definitely good.

I love my business so damn much.  I kiss the walls and caress them before closing up shop for the day.  “I love you, don’t ever forget.  We’ll get through this!” I tell it.

Our clients love my business.  Thousands of them, no exaggeration.  Thousands of people love my business.  One client only yesterday, emailed me to tell me she loves the place and she thinks I’m awesome.  She literally said she thinks I’m awesome.

The space is perfect, everything is so damn perfect from the employee’s to the elephant lamp.

My therapists are: Lara, Leah, Megan, Erinn, Mollie, Lori, Debora, Melissa, Crista, Igor, Austin and Adonis.  And one receptionist, Jill.  And you know what?  All of them love me.  A few of the new therapists want to quit their other jobs and just work here, but I told them to hold off.  “Come May it’ll slow down.  Best wait to see what happens in May.”

You don’t understand how perfect I made everything.  Using Apple’s logic of simplicity.  And those same people who love me now, will hate me if I lose the place.  They’ll hate me for their gift certificates that will be useless.  Who know’s, I might even end up in jail.  The whole town will shun me.  It’ll be like being on top of that mountain in Nepal, shunned and rejected.

It’s kind of funny how I relate all my high moments to being on the rooftop of that hotel in Bangkok and all my low moments to being on top of the mountain in Nepal.

It’s like, even if I’m not physically undergoing a gruesome trek, I’m still emotionally making that same trek.  The higher the altitude, the harder to breathe, the harder it is just to take one step forward.

That’s how it is for me now.  If I venture outside my bunker, it’s like having to trek in high altitudes.  Each step takes all my effort.  That’s the best way to describe it.

I need to trek that mountain again once all this is behind me.  I’ll turn that low moment into another high.  Can you imagine?  I can see it in my head, a perfect life.  So unbearably close now, I’m brushing shoulders with it.  And not one person who reads my blog can say I didn’t work hard for it or don’t deserve it.

I’m not losing the business.  It’s not going to happen.

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Melanie Gets Sued!

I’ve been served.

It happened last Friday, one week ago today when I was still in Alaska.

I knew it was going to happen.  Everyone knew.

It’s because of what transpired in evil August 2015, when one of my employee’s got caught taking pictures of his clients while he was massaging them.

I went through all the stages of grief while I was in Alaska (I’m a pro at it by now).

Kenny Rodgers song kept playing in my mind….

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away And know when to run
You never count your money When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for counting When the dealin’s done”

And then the words of ayahuasca, “Let everything go.  You can only find courage in letting everything go.”

My little business was doing great, it really was.  After April, a mere month and a half from now, my way would’ve been paved for life.

And now this happened.

I was going to go straight to my insurance agency but decided against it.  I never had to deal with insurance agency’s before and I don’t have a head for legal matters.  All I know is that insurance company’s have a way of finagling themselves out of paying.

So instead, I went to a lawyer.  A really smart one.  I can tell he’s smart just by his presence, and he used the same phrase that’s been running through my head, “you can’t squeeze blood from a rock.”

I paid him $5,000 to deal with my insurance company’s.  I have two of them, The Hartford and State Farm.

Him – “If they don’t pay up, we can sue them.”

He was very clear spoken and laid the cards out on the table.  The worst that can happen is that I lose my business.

I’m assuming the worst is about to happen and I lose my business (file bankruptcy).  I did a little research and trade businesses are hard to fold in instances like this.  If they have no assets, no money, and are primarily a service industry, I can still file chapter 7 and keep my business as long as I have enough money to afford to keep it running once the bank account has been wiped.

It’ll be tricky and the biggest pain in the ass I have yet to face.

My question is, is it time to fold?  Is all this worth it?

I was so close….so very close.  We have thousands of clients now, literally thousands who love us.  My massage therapists are fantastic people who love working for me.  And almost all of our clients know what happened in evil August 2015, and they’re still coming to see us!

I went through hell with this business, utter hell.  But I’m so very close to it not being hell anymore – literally a month and a half away from it.

I hope my lawyer handles bankruptcy cases.

My ultimate goal is to not be held accountable for someone else’s sins.  If they find me not guilty, I’ll probably stay drunk on celebration for months that follow.

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I’m in Seattle Washington!

The last flight was hell!  HELL!  I had a baby in one ear screaming and this other guy behind me trying to pick up the chick sitting next to him.  I wanted to turn into a velociraptor and bite into his thick juicy skull.  And eventually remove his head entirely.

He was dropping celebrity names, saying he goes to all the Hollywood parties and can take her next time she visits.  I swear to god, I’m not an evil person.  I’m not, I’m almost sure of it.  But I want to see this mans spleen.  Why his spleen?  I don’t know, I’m a dinosaur.

I’m sitting at the N gates in SEA.  Unlike LAX, this place is cake to navigate.  There’s signage everywhere, maps and even real-life people to direct you (even though you don’t need them because it’s a well laid out airport).  I actually needed direction since I forgot to print out my last and final boarding pass.

I want a coffee so bad.  There’s a fancy coffee shop straight ahead from where I’m siting and the dude working the register looks exactly like Josh from My Crazy Ex Girlfriend.

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I chose to plop my fat ass at this location specifically because it was out of everyone’s way (I’m sitting on the floor again), and there was an outlet!  An outlet!  But the god damned thing doesn’t work!  I’m on 45%, I need a fuel up.  My flight doesn’t board until 8:05 and it’s only 6:34.  I’m hungry again but I already spent $17 on a bottle of water, a bottle of vitamin H2O, and a roast beef wrap. No, no, I spent $18 dollars!

Have I mentioned that I’m broke?  I pee dust.  I poop dust bunnies.

Speaking of pee, I wasn’t moist this time around.  A two hour flight doesn’t have the same magic as a 6-hour flight.  I still don’t know what happened down there.

I gained like 40 or 50 pounds over these last few years and maybe big people just sweat more down there?  But why is it so HOT?!

Some lady just tried to fuel up her cell with this jokester outlet next to me.  It’s a cruel cruel joke.

Fuck I can’t do this.  I can’t spend $6 on an iced vanilla latte, I’m broke!  Fuuuuuuck.  If I do spend money, it needs to be on food.

44% is left on my mac.

Do I have to poop?  I keep thinking like I have to go but then I don’t.  I’d like to get it over with before I’m on a plane again.  And besides, the bathroom is the only place where I can vape.

I think my blog makes me want to shit.  I know this for sure because it also happens when I think really hard, not just when I blog but when I think about stuff.  I guess that’s why I have to shut off my brain when I’m around others.

I literally have nothing to write about besides having to poop, wanting an iced latte, and my battery slowly dying on my laptop.

I hope I have fun in Alaska.  It’s just that I love my bedroom so freaking much, plus with my new video game that is waiting for me when I come back, and my dog, I never want to be anywhere else.

Problems, we all know I have problems.

It’s not that I won’t have fun in Alaska, it’s that I’d have more fun staying home playing my game.

I think I really have to go to the bathroom, not a false alarm.  I’m going to brown streak it off to the poo palace and walk around some more, maybe eat.

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You can’t tell from this pic, but I’m vaping behind that newspaper.

******************

I didn’t make it to the bathroom.  I saw a sign for a bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese and made my way over.  I swear I’m Jewish.

Anyway, it sucks.  It’s a sucky shitty bagel.  $15 for an ice tea from the tap and a shitty bagel.  I’m getting a damn refill.

This is a dead airport.  It’s dead because it has no working outlets.  LAX was loaded head to toe with free outlets.  They promoted them like penicillin.

But not here, not this place.  This place is dead.

*******************

It’s 7:20PM, my flight is soon, thank god.  8:05 I leave.

Let me just tell you that I’m miserable without my blog!  I’m freaking dull eyed, hateful, misery in a handbag without writing.

How can I keep forgetting that?

I’m down to 34%

I feel lonely without my blog, that’s what it is.  It’s like if I stop writing now, I’ll feel like I serve no purpose.  I forget who I am when I don’t write exactly what I’m experiencing at every fateful moment.  Like right now, I just got the hiccups and I finished my bagel.  I didn’t grab napkins so I probably have gobs of cream cheese around my mouth and I’m hunched over my laptop tap tap tapping away – literally not stopping.  Shoulders are starting to ache.

I gained weight, but I like the way it looks on me.  Is that weird?  I’m not saying that out of denial, or that other thing people do, you know, when they say:  “I don’t care what people think!”

People who don’t care what people think NEVER say they DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK!

I like the way my boobs look in t-shirts.  Is that weird?  Be honest.

I’m wearing my white ably t-shirt, hiking pants, and a blue hoodie.  My hair looks like a rats nest, I haven’t slept in 33 hours but I got to say damn, I still look good.  But do I look good because I don’t care what I look like?

Like when my mom makes me dinner when I’m famished and I always say that her food is delicious.  What if I’m only saying that because I don’t care if it’s delicious or not?  My mom made it and I’m hungry and that’s all that really matters.

I mean, it’s a scary thought, no?

I do care about how I look but I put it away so quick that I barely glance at myself.  I rarely take selfie’s, never go clothes shopping, I wear the same jeans and sweatshirt over and over again.

But I like how soft my boobs look in t-shirts these days.  They make me feel feminine and fragile and it’s such a contrast to my actual mannerisms and attire.  I’m both yin and yang.

I’m getting the shakes.  Is that a symptom of sleep deprivation?  I never had the coffee.

It’s 7:50.  I’m going to try my luck at the bathroom and swing by my gate to see if my flight is still there.  I got about 15 minutes.

I’m publishing this crap.

 

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I’m in Los Angeles California!

I’m writing to you from LAX.  I can’t remember if I ever been to this airport.  I’m always asleep for layovers.

My trip began at 3:30AM and now the time is 3:38PM.  At around 11AM my employee texted me telling me the power was out and she cancelled her clients for the day.

I still have two more flights ahead of me.  TWO Mother fucking flights bitches TWO!

I’m starting to doze off.  I didn’t sleep last night because, well, I can never sleep before a trip when I have to wake up early.  Today is Thursday at 3:40PM and the last time I slept was yesterday when I woke up at 11AM.

I’m so freaking tired.  I look like death.  I just reapplied my deodorant and I did it while sitting here on the floor by my gate.  LAX is one of the most confusing airports I had to navigate.  There’s no map anywhere!  You’re forced out of the plane into  unfamiliar territory and you have no idea where your next gate is.

Gate 52 for instance, isn’t just gate 52.  It’s gate 52-A!  And then there is gate 52B and then C and D and so on and so forth.  There weren’t any signs for the shuttle busses to take you to these gates.  It was just a dude standing outside next to a bus waving people in, he looked like Stevie Wonder – my first famous person I saw in LA!

I thought of so many blog idea’s today.  I kept saying to myself, “If only I can pull out my laptop right now, I’d go to town!”  But now here I am in LAX with free wifi and no excuses not to blog.

I forgot all but one blog idea and that is……Crotch moisture.

HOLE-LEE-SHIT

Crotch moisture?  Seriously?

What the hell is happening down there?

I went on a bunch of long flights before, so long that it makes this day look like patty-cake.  And I NEVER experienced this before.  I mean WTF man…

It felt like swamp thing invaded my pants and made a puddle.  But when I went to the bathroom, there was no wet spot at all, only moisture.  Like, A LOT of moisture.

Does this have anything to do with gaining 40 or 50 lbs?

Oh God I want my e-cig so bad.

After I got off the shuttle, I went back inside the airport and they wouldn’t let me back out.

Guy guarding the door – “Where you going Miss?”

Me – “Outside to vape my ecig.”

Guy – “I’m so sorry, that’s not allowed.”

I longingly look over his shoulder.  The day beautiful and bright.  So close.  Why?

Why?

My brain gets super wacky when sleep deprived.  This morning I was leering at some young guy eating a bag of chex mix.

Me thinking – “Why Chex Mix?  What can I learn about this man by knowing he likes Chex Mix?”

After a few seconds I concluded that he was a player, the opposite of a serial monogamist.  The guy likes variety and doesn’t like to be tied down to just one thing.

As for me, I’d rather go with Doritos.  I know exactly what I’m getting, there’s no favoritism at stake, each bite is as uniform as the last.

Chex Mix seems complicated.  Too much drama.

Wow, LAX is disorganized.  They changed my gate 3 times now.  It was 52G, then 52A, and now it’s 52H.  Nobody told us either, we all just meandered away from the gate like a slack-jawed grazing herd of humanoids.

My eyes are like glass orbs of swirling pink mist.

CONVERSATIONS WITH MELANIE

The following is real-life thoughts I had today while at the airport.

“Wow, that woman has a huge bag of almonds.  I sure wish I can eat almonds like her.  But they make me feel like I might shit and not shit at the same time, just hover over the toilet waiting…..waiting…..”

” Hello hottie asian man.  I bet you’re Japanese with your angular face and muscular lithe build.  Hair done up in a top-knot.  Oh yeah, gotta be Japanese.  He looks like a Samurai!  Why do I like asians so much?  ‘Because you have a thing for Bruce Lee and appreciate their culture’.  Right….right….”

I can’t think of anymore.  These conversations aren’t as entertaining as I thought.  I had a bunch of them earlier, but turns out they’re not blog worthy.

Oh God I’m tired.  Do I have to poop?  Sun of a bitch when is this plane getting here?

Anyhow, I’m definitely going to Italy in May.  I got suckered into it and I’m sorta freaking out a little.

My friend texted me – “Should I book the hotel for Italy?  It’s $390 for 5 nights.”

Me – “Yeah book it!”

Every time I booked a hotel online, I never had to pay at the time of booking.  I paid once I got at the hotel, not before.  They hold the room with a credit card and if you end up canceling, they charge you a small cancellation fee.

My friend – “Okay it’s paid for.  You can pay us after Alaska.”

Me – “You bought it now?  Usually you just hold the room with a credit card.”

My friend – “We paid in full through Orbitz.”

Me – “Oh.”

Suckered.

I am one ratty looking mother fucker.  It’s now 5PM Cheshire time.  2:00 LA time.  20 minutes late to boarding time.

What else can I tell you?

I guess I can circle back and talk about the crotch moisture again.  Where does it come from?  Yes I was holding my pee in a little, I supposed a few drops could’ve escaped me.  But what’s weird is that there were no discernible drops of dew, just an all-around feeling of dampness.  And the type of pants I’m wearing are the kind that don’t hide wetness.  I’m wearing tan hiking pants, you know the kind.  They’re really thin and breathable.  I’m going to wear my thermal long-underwear once I’m there.

I’m waiting to go to Seattle, Washington.  That’s my next stop.  Then onto Anchorage.

I bought that video game, Horizon Zero Dawn.  I stayed up all friggin night playing it.  It’s everything I expected it would be.

Yesterday my electric fireplace decided to break down at work and my therapist with the skin problem went to the hospital and won’t be back in for at least a week.

My receptionist is starting to realize what it is I go through.  Everyday is some new nightmare.

“What new hell will today bring?”

Have you ever felt clear and light?  Like, put together really well, neat, not a hot mess?

I felt it the other day.  A simplicity of thought that I haven’t experienced since I was 2.  I felt it as I was navigating the mall for my video game and two meats one side at Panda Express.

For one day, I felt intact, unencumbered, clear.  Clear and clean is the best description.  Until that is, yesterday happened.  It all fell apart a day before I leave for Alaska.

I”m horrible.  I’m looking at an obese lady and wishing in my head she’s not my seat-mate.

You don’t understand….airplanes are getting smaller and people are getting bigger.  I just had an American Airlines flight on one of their new planes and discovered it’s noticeably smaller than it’s ancestors.  They only have one woman’s room and one men’s room.  The middle isle is for mosquito-sized humanoids.  You have to leap-frog over each other in order to pass.

1243 words in this post.  It’s 2:25 LA time and I have no clue what’s going on.  Did I miss my plane?

What else can I write about?

I don’t feel like writing anymore.  I want to find a secluded corner so I can vape.  But it’s not going to happen.  Too many people and we’re finally boarding!  Thank God!

This is a quick flight, one movie kind of flight.  Small plane, filling fast.  got to go.

 

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Incredible

After watching an awesome movie or reading a captivating book, how can you not love life?

For me, it’s not about the story, it’s not about the actors or how well its written – don’t get me wrong, those are huge parts of it – but what really gets me is that feeling of shared emotion.

How creative types can hit the nail on the head, run with it, and bring everyone along for the ride.

How do they know we’re going to like it so much?  How do they do that?

It’s not magic, there’s nothing mystical about what’s happening.  It’s simply a good story told by lovable characters.  But my question is, what makes it good?  How do they know the audience will love it?

Since I’ve been massaging less, I’ve been reading more.  And since I got a jail broken firestick, I’ve been watching a lot of movies.  Going down the list of the best 250.

I’ve seen most of the movies on the top 250, watched them several times over in fact.  But how is it possible that I love the same exact movies as everyone else?  We ALL love the same stuff!

Granted, I never got into Twilight, but then again I never tried – I’m not knocking it, just hadn’t had the time.  But everything else mainstream?  Oh yeah, I love it.  From Harry Potter to Star Wars, I fall in line with the majority of people.

It’s the united feeling that gets me loving life.  The twists and turns, the villains turning hero’s and vice-versa, the moments of poetry, of glory, of defeat.

I love that we love the same stuff.  I’m in love with life because all of us love the same stuff.  The next big idea’s, the next great inventions – will be something I would want to see and be in awe of.  How do I know this?  Because we like the same stuff!

I don’t know…..I probably sound crazy.  But I can’t be the only person who wants a robot butler, right?  Or a self-driven car, a jet pack, a watch that displays holograms or better yet, a life-size hologram of myself to see how I look in certain clothes before I buy them on, or even better than that, a hologram of myself that I can talk to and learn things about myself that I never knew.

Because, well, I’m interesting.  At least to myself I am.

It’s just that I’m constantly being amazed by our creations.  We are absolutely incredible.

I told myself I’d go to sleep early tonight…..

My video game comes out tomorrow.  Horizon Zero Dawn.  It looks to be an epic masterpiece of shared emotion between its creators and its players.  I may or may not be writing again for a while.

On Thursday I go to Alaska to see the Iditarod.

I have so much love for life today.  Not just because I’m delving into books and movies, but with the hope that some day I may become a contributor and not just a member of the audience.

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The Business Made Money in 2016

I’ve filed my taxes the honest way my whole life.  It was always a pleasure to do when I was expecting money back.

This was the first year I haven’t filed honestly.  I fudged it.  Oh yes, I fudged it.  I had no choice!

Last year, my business claimed over an $8,000 loss.  Why the hell can’t I carry that over into this year?  How am I supposed to make up for the loss?

It just doesn’t make sense.  I paid off my losses from last year, that’s why I have nothing to show for it this year.  How am I supposed to catch up?  If I were to actually pay on every dime I made this past year, how can I catch up from the loss I had last year?

Anyway, taxes are done.   Finally.  It was the most painful tax experience I’ve ever had in my life.  I need to set up a plan for next year, some kind of tax savings.  It sucks because I still owe a little over $13,000 in debt so I don’t want to save, I want to pay goddammit.  And save for a house!

It doesn’t feel like a burden has lifted.  Usually after filing my taxes, I feel wonderful.  Not this year.  This year, if I get audited, my only real defense is somehow rolling over that $8000 loss from last year and explaining why I deducted it from my earned income this year.

I also didn’t claim the $10,000 I made in cash.  I didn’t claim all the money Groupon gave me either.  In other words, I’m fucked.

It’s not fair and I refuse to play their stupid game.  This couldn’t have happened at a more worse time than now.  When I’m flooded in Groupon debt and employee’s get paid 3 times, not two, in March.

But I think I’ll be okay.  Honestly, it’s a new business that just opened last year and I haven’t claimed any losses like most new businesses.  I haven’t made any fraudulent deductions that can’t be proven with receipts.  I simply fudged how much I made, that’s all.

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Arrival

I just got a jail broken fire stick today and watched my first jail broken movie on it, Arrival.

I don’t condone jail broken fire sticks, I give nobody permission to use a jailbroken anything other than myself.

Now that that’s clear, I want to talk about this movie!

SPOILER ALERT

The whole premise of the movie (this is a spoiler just so you know), is that by learning a special language – the alien language – it reconstructs your brain into seeing your future memories.

I learned about this a while ago on my own during one of my ruminating epidemics.  People of other languages interpret things differently and therefore must think differently.  I never knew this was an actual study called the sapir-whorf hypothesis until I watched this movie.

So anyway, if you learn their alien language fluently, you’ll be able to interpret time differently.  So it’s non-linear.  The memories you make in the future can help you out in the present by giving you clues on what to do next.

I know I wrote about this paradox before, how this is impossible even if it were to be possible.  The whole grandfather time travel paradox for example.  But the movie skirts around this issue by not changing the past.

Your future memories are the best possible outcome so instead of changing anything, you’re simply following the thread to the best future possible which has already happened in your future memories.

Confusing?  Yes.  They don’t explain all that in the movie, it’s more implied than anything.  I think it would make a better book so people understand this a little better.

But this is so similar to what I was going through during the fall of 2015.  If you read my posts from back then, I was purposely writing to my future self to help me out.  To send me strength or answers, or both.  I was praying to myself because according to ayahuasca, there is no god, just us.  This doesn’t make me an atheist, it’s just that, well, it’s too complicated to get into at the moment.  And I vowed never to get transfixed with crazy preach speech again.

Screw it, one more time I’ll try to explain my interpretation of God when I intuited it from ayahuasca.

God is the universe.  That’s probably a universal understanding, nothing new there.  But what exactly is the universe?

Our technology today can measure just about anything.  We can measure the static residue caused by the big bang and figure out how old the universe is, and how big it’s becoming.  Basically according to science, the universe is a finite, measurable place.  It’s measurable because it had a beginning.

Now lets look at what’s beyond the measurable/known universe.  What do you think is out there?

More universe, that’s what’s out there.

Now, just take a moment and think about this.  I mean really think about it.  If there’s more universe, an infinite universe, do you know what that means?  Do you know what that implicates?  It implies everything.  Literally everything is out there.

In other words, another you is out there.  It’s mathematically impossible for there not to be another you in an infinite sea of universes.  Not only that, but it’s impossible for there not to be an infinite number of you’s in an infinite sea of universes.

Everything exists.  Even Jesus.

But you may argue that these other replica’s of earth must abide by our laws of physics.  It’s impossible to turn water into wine no matter what world you live in.  And yes, that’s true if you’re speaking about our “known” universe, but all other universes can have their own set of laws.

Do you understand what I’m saying?  Everything exists.  Everything.  It’s like when I experienced my two seconds of emptiness (I know I talk about that a lot and it’s getting old), when I felt nothing but possibilities.  Nothing exists but possibilities.

Another way to interpret this infinity is to imagine an ape typing on a typewriter.  Given enough time, he’ll eventually type Hamlet word for word.  Not only Hamlet, but every book ever written, every book that was never written.

So when people believe in God, do they even know what that means?  Do they have any idea what god is?  How can you believe in something when you don’t even know what it is that you believe in?

After doing ayahuasca, belief in god or in any religion, is mind boggling baffling to me.

The universe is God.  If there are infinite universes, does that mean there are an infinite number of gods?

Instead of believing in god, I known for certain that I exist.  So I’m more comfortable believing in myself.  An infinite amount of Melanie’s all blogging simultaneous.

There’s this thing in physics called quantum entanglement.  Two completely separate particles act like one particle.  Whatever happens to one of them, happens to it’s twin.  Even lightyears apart.  None can explain this.

What if I’m quantumly entangled with all these infinite Melanie’s?  They can send me secret messages via gut-feelings?  What happens to their soul when they die?  Do we become one?

Ayahuasca also told me that I must believe in god in order for me not to go to hell.  It’s totally contradictory.  This I can not explain, or understand.

What I intuited is that I have to have complete faith in the “process” without any fear what-so-ever and the only way to get around the obstacle of fear is to believe in a higher power.  Absolute trust.

So, God exists and doesn’t exist at the same time.  It’s Schrodinger’s cat all over again.

Anyway, today is Wednesday night, technically Thursday.  The last time I went to work was on Sunday.  These last few days were blissful.

I actually have to finish charging my member clients because it’s the first of the month….it’s already 12:08 so I should do that.

I haven’t done my taxes like I said I would.  My reason being is that Groupon didn’t send me my tax statement yet.  It’s a valid excuse.  All my receipts are tally’d up just about so all I need to do is plug in the numbers.

I love my receptionist.  These past few days of bliss were made possible by her being there instead of me.

My only worries hanging over my head are:

  1. Doing my taxes
  2. Hiring another therapist

And that’s it.  Even with my two employee’s leaving me, the business will be fine.  They picked the best possible time to move on.  Is this due to that higher power ayahuasca mentioned?  Because I’m learning how to trust the process?

I don’t know.  All I know is that it is strange to see my life shaping up exactly how I want it to be.  It’s strange to think I can have my own house as soon as next year, and the time and money for travel and leisure.  It’s all happening, inch by painful inch.

Husband and kids were never meant for me, I never wanted them.  But why?  I don’t know why I don’t want them while everyone else I know does.  There has got to be something bigger taking place.  Is this part of trusting the process?  The things we desire, do these desires come from something outside ourselves?  They seeded themselves within us, making us believe we have a choice and that it came from us, our decision, but what if it has to do with the process?

Desire and addiction are not the same.  Addiction is the opposite of trust.  Addiction is ego, it’s filling the void where trust should be.

I don’t know, I feel like, I don’t know…..I don’t know about any of this.  But it’s so fun to think about.  How I can formulate an equation that the universe abides by.  A formula that if I crack it, would unlock every answer to every question.  Making my wildest dreams come true.

I should freaking charge the rest of my members.

I will NOT watch another movie on my jailbroken fire stick tonight.  I will NOT.  I especially will NOT write a 1400 word blog post about said movie.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Strange & Unusual

I’m Not Hypoglycemic

My mom tested my sugar level a few days ago with her diabetes machine and it was perfectly normal.  I don’t have hypoglycemia, but I know for sure I can’t drink 12 beers anymore.

My moped came in the mail a few days ago.  It came in a big metal crate that I had to take apart with my tiny wrench and delicate hands.  My hands got all cut up in the process and once it was unboxed, the damn thing wouldn’t budge until I installed the front wheel and the handlebars.  It was cold and wet out, I was tired.  And I had to give a massage in a couple hours.

After 3 hours of unboxing and fitting the pieces together, I was completely covered in mud from the melty snow and having to sit in puddles.  I wheeled my moped into my bedroom for the time being and here it sits still.

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I’m supposed ride across the country on this thing?  I had to use a damn crowbar to get the front wheel on!  What am I supposed to do when I’m out in the middle of nowhere with a flat tire?  I’m not carrying around a damn crowbar, that’s for sure.

And they spelled “riding” wrong.  Not just once, but several times on a warning label printed to the bike.

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I can’t figure out the first bullet point, pay attention to natural protection when ridding in the field.  Say what?

********************

I’ve been so tired lately.  I know I’m always tired, but more so than usual.  Last night I fell asleep at 7:00.

I took a quiz online to tell me if I’m depressed but when I got to the end result page, they asked for my email address and wouldn’t give my results until I confirmed my email address and I said, “ah fuck it.”

I don’t feel depressed though, just really really tired.

I have to do my taxes.  I’m blogging instead and feel like taking a nap.  And I have to do some other things like fill out the online warranty for my bike, fill out a very long questionnaire about my credit card processing software I use at work.  If I don’t fill it out by tomorrow, I get fined.

My insurance company is doing an audit to see how much I pay my employee’s and if it matches up with what I told them.

Two of my employee’s who’ve been with me for the last 3 years are quitting.  One got offered a managerial position and the other is opening up her own spa.  It didn’t come as a shock as they both told me months prior.  And one of them only works 10 hours a week (and rarely gets requests) so she’s not a huge loss.

It’s just that I have all these little (big) things to do that I can never relax.

The receptionist I hired recently, my friend Jill, I don’t know how I managed without her.  I don’t know how I got through last month, massaging all my clients, massaging the onslaught of couples massages, cleaning, organizing, restocking, answering the phone…..

December feels like a millennia ago.  So much has changed, has gotten better, but every time I see improvement, a new worry crops up.  I need to find a full time morning therapist who can also work Sundays.  I need her by March.  And she HAS to be good.

I need to do taxes not only for my current business, but for my last business as well – the one I closed down due to inappropriate behavior of one of my therapists.  It’s like having to do double taxes.

The shit doesn’t stop.

I had to massage 4 clients yesterday because my therapist took the day off due to her dog having puppies.  My employee, the one who is a close talker, annoyed me so much.  He makes what is called “small talk”.  I HATE small talk.  I hate when people get physically close to me.  And I’m starting to hate being touched.  Having to give 4 massages while having a bunch of other shit to do on top of it, and then having some guy in my face making “small talk” is enough to take me over the edge.

I don’t have to go to work until Friday night for one couples massage.  Today is Monday.  This is an improvement, a very noticeable one.  But like I said, I still have shit, I still worry.

As for my finances, it’s still too soon to tell if I can make it to April without going into debt.  (I sold 600 massages on Groupon last month and used that money to pay off $14,000 of debt which leaves me with no money to pay my employee’s with.)

If I can’t make it to April, I’m not going to go into actual debt but instead sell more groupons until everything evens out.  But in all honesty, it looks like I CAN make it to April without selling more groupons or dipping into my line of credit.  The business is finally slowing down and we’re not as booked up as before except on the weekend.

So my plan is to not sell anymore groupons until I replace my full-time therapist.  Once she’s been replaced, I can get away with selling at least 200 more couples massages for $12,200, and pay off the remainder of my debt by April.  I’m hoping to sell 100 couples massages at the end of February, and then another 100 at the end of March.  Space them out a bit.

I should fill out that goddamned questionnaire now before I get a stinking business fine.  Ridiculous.

My dog is taking up my whole bed and it’s pissing me off.

Just find one more therapist – that’s all I need.  I’m almost there, I’m almost free.

What will my life be like in April?  Will I be debt free?  Will I never have to work?  It’s incredible to think about how so much can change in 3 months.  So much has changed in just this last month, let alone 3.

Then I can start writing about my bizarre dreams again.  I had a few doozies that I wrote down, but they fade from memory if I don’t blog about them immediately.

 

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