Category Archives: journal

4 Days Until Camino

I leave for my trip in T minus 4 days.

My mind is in shambles.  I’m laying here in bed – so unbelievably fucking comfortable you have no idea.  I’m warm, I’m fed, I’m loved, my life is grand and wonderful these days; I’ve even spoken with my lawyer today about the lawsuit and he says the whole case is stupid.  Literally, he called it stupid.

Him – “It’s a straight forward simple case.  You did nothing wrong and there was no way to prevent any of it from happening.  If I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.  You’ll be fine.”

I’ve never had a lawyer before and I’m sure they all say things like “it’ll be just fine” or “don’t worry about it” to their clients but in my case, it rings true.  There were literally no precautions or warning signs that I missed or could’ve foreshadowed.  It was all a roll of the dice.  Shit luck.

This was the first time he told me not to worry though.  Thanks buddy, you could’ve told me that sooner.  Before my mental breakdown and going through the 5 stages of grief hundreds of times over.

Anyhow, I’m truly loving my bed right now.  Oh God I love it.  I love Netflix.  I love doing nothing and this time of night (11pm) is the time I can get away with doing nothing.  I have a big plate of nothing all to myself.

So why’s my mind in shambles?

I had a long-ass summer.  It ended with me having to house sit two dogs and a cat for 10 days.  I just got home, when was it?  Yesterday?  I don’t know.  But during those 10 days I was up at the ass crack of dawn letting those dogs out to pee.  And at night, they had to sleep with me.  They taken up the whole bed to where I was sleeping horizontal on the mattress.  I’d wake up in the morning cranky as hell.  They’d wake me up with a paw to the face.

Both dogs like to lick.  They lick your face, your pants, your eyeballs, inside your mouth….etc.  One day as I was exiting the shower, I walked over to the bed where my clothes lay spewed out everywhere and there were the dogs on the bed with my clothes.  Both of them, at the same time, decided to lick my naked nipples.  Each of my nipples had a dog attached to it.

I felt so grossed out, I felt violated.  I just wanted to get dressed.  That’s all that I wanted.  But instead, there I was cold, wet, and had two dogs sucking at my teats.

I love home.  I love it so freaking much.  I want to stay here and hunker down for a while.  I want to be alone in a bunker.  But this can’t be, it’s not in the stars.  I leave in 4 days to go someplace opposite of being home, comfortable, well fed and feeling stunningly fantastic.  I’m going on a 35 day torture hike across Spain to lose weight.  To lose weight!  So I’m not one of the first to go during the zombie apocalypse.  I’d be able to run goddammit.

Whoever says it’s fun is full of shit.

I think I need to see a therapist.  I have a few friends who see therapists, so why shouldn’t I?  The major issue’s I want to address is my laziness and my lack of caring what people think of me.

Now, most people would say that that’s wonderful – it’s great and liberating to not care what others think but they’re wrong.  So way off the mark wrong.

Firstly, I don’t engage with people anymore.  I don’t care enough to engage with them.  I don’t care enough to, well, care about them.  Why?  Because I was a huge engager in the past and everyday the more I engaged, the more people expected it.  At the end of the day, none of it mattered.  No matter what I did, it was never permanently good enough and when it was good enough, the next day I had to be even better.

I went the other way.  It’s not that I don’t care exactly, it’s more like I stopped trying.  I don’t try with people anymore.  My office manager pointed this out to me last night over a few pints.  I pointed it out to myself about a month or so ago.

As far as the laziness goes…..”how the hell can you be lazy and walk across Spain then?”  Is what you’re thinking.  The thing with that is, laziness is a privilege.  Laziness is not just about laying around, it’s a mind-set.  It’s a mind-set of complete and utter ease.  No worries.  No responsibilities.  Just freedom of all problems.

My type of laziness, the kind I’m talking about, it’s my personal drug of choice.  And it’s addicting as hell.  It’s better than anything else out there on the market.  Not even beer can hold a candle to it.

Basically, I can’t be both fat and lazy.  They cancel each other out.  I won’t feel completely at ease again until I lose at least 25 pounds.  Hence, the Camino and why I have to walk it (again).

If everyone experienced the same type of laziness that I experience, everyone in the world would be their own boss, have a clean conscience and stay healthy.  Having a clean conscience also affects how well I can rest and relax.  All vexes must be aired out and all foibles on my part must be atoned for.

Delicious laziness to extreem.  Extreem power resting.  Angelic homeostasis.  Until I start trying with people and it all goes to shit when it’s never enough.  Best to stay under the radar.

I’d tell these things to my shrink but what good will it do?

Does everyone experience the same type of lazy bliss?  The same natural habitat of my resting mind?  It’s my home base.  The place I can always return to once all else is settled.  To take my bra off and let the pups lick my nips….no.  That’s disgusting.

But you know what I mean?  A place where I can’t be hurt.  Not by myself nor by any others.

I don’t think people grasp it the same way I do.  They either don’t get it or decided to live a lie – a lie they reason with as being their only viable option.

I downloaded 18 audiobooks for my 500 mile journey.  If the actual walk doesn’t change me, I’m sure one of those books will.  My goal is to want to try again with people.  But this time, I’ll make it enough for me and not care if it’s not enough for them.  That’ll be my emotional goal this time around but my main focus is losing 25 pounds.

I don’t need a therapist, just give me a pen and paper.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under All about me, camino de santiago, journal, random thoughts, Self help, Travel

ESO ESO ESO!!!!

It’s a beautiful Saturday at my homestead here in CT.  It’s exactly 12 noon and I just woke up via text which is the way I wake up most days (texts before noon don’t rouse me).

I got nothin’ to do.  Well, there’s always my hike up my big little mountain but I think I’ll take a day.  A day all to myself.  An Elder Scrolls online kind of day.  I have the faintest of blisters on the top of my baby toe from breaking in my new boots so I don’t think it’s wise to hike today.  Even though it doesn’t hurt like a regular blister, why irritate it?

Anyway, I should get to it.  My level is still so low.  I don’t even have a horse yet.

In the meantime, hurricane Irma is turning Florida into the end times.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

“Problems”

I had to buy a new pair of hiking boots goddammit.  Apparently I lost my arch from the last time I hiked the Camino and now my toes hit against the front of my boots.  If I walked the Camino wearing my old boots this time around, I’d have no toe nails left by the end of the trek.

It sucks.  Not only the spending money part, but buying and breaking in new boots specifically for a 500 mile walk is daunting.  My old boots were so comfy!  They were perfect!

And this my friends, is the height of my current problems.

I’m wearing them now, my new boots.

When I first took off my old boots to try on the new ones at REI, I was literally astonished.  “Holy crap they’re fantastic!  It feels like I’m giving my feet a drink of water!”

They felt lighter and even more comfortable than my old pair.

Me – “I probably don’t even need to break these in they’re so comfortable.”

My first hike was fine but when I went again the next day, the illusion shattered.  They’re a lot looser than they were on that first day hike.  Today I added an extra insole but now the tops of my toes on my left foot are getting scuffed.

I have crazy narrow feet.  They’re long and they’re narrow.  These boots are made for narrow feet but they haven’t seen the likes of mine before.

Tomorrow I’ll try again without that extra insole and make sure I lace them as tightly as they allow.  If that doesn’t work, my next move is to double up my socks.

But seriously, I can’t think of any other pressing problems other than that.

Well, there is one other problem……

Since I started listening to audiobooks about virtual reality MMORPG games, I went on ahead and bought myself one.  A MMORPG game, not virtual reality.  Elder Scrolls online.

I played for 2-days straight.  The last 2 days of my life were lost to that game.  And now that I’m back from my hike, all I can think about is playing that game.  I don’t care about anything else.

I’m supposed to call my friend today……yesterday I blew off 3 separate people all wanting to do something.  And alll I want to do is game.  This isn’t anything new, people are used to it but with this game in particular, there’s no end to it.  I can’t say I beat it and then shelf it and wait for the next one to come out months later, no.  This never ends.

It’s September 5th.  I leave for my trip on October 9th…I think it’s October 9th.

I’m not ready for it.  I’ve been hiking up my big little mountain non-stop to no avail, it’s not getting any easier.  I haven’t lost weight.  I’m not stronger.  Four years of working 70-hour weeks did this to me.  I find it hard to believe I haven’t lost anything yet.  When did my retirement from massage begin?  It has to be at least 3 months ago.  3 months of hiking every single day with no improvement?

I don’t know wtf’s going on with that but I’ll keep at it.  I’m pretty relentless when it comes to certain things.  Like leveling up my character.

Speaking of….

I have an idea that will make me more money but I don’t want to write about it now.  I’m losing daylight (game time).  I’ll save it for another day.  But an idea such as this, one that is actually doable on paper and doesn’t cost an arm or a leg, is so in-my-face stupid obvious I kick myself for not doing it sooner.  I guess it takes about 3 months to recoup from 4 years of hell and that’s why this idea is just becoming known to me now.  I was too stressed and too tired before now.

Anyway, I got to play my game.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

Life is a series of constant recoveries

I got home yesterday from a weekend bachelorette party.  Only one of us threw up, so it wasn’t anything too crazy but still, it was the best time ever.  I want everyday to be like that.

12 of us girls went up to New Hampshire.  I went up the day before to pick up Steph from the Boston airport so we can spend the day there before our New Hampshire exertion.

But her plane delayed by 12 hours so that left me with 12 hours to kill alone in Boston by the harbor on a beautiful day.  I walked 10 feet to get Chinese take-out and stayed in our shoddy hostel watching TV until the 12 hours ran out.

I have no right writing a blog.  I’m a closet bore.  I stopped caring or being curious about anything.

I’ll provide you another example of this;

There were 2 girls at the party that I wasn’t acquainted with.  In my younger years I would seek out people I didn’t know and be the first to strike up a conversation.  But now I’m too tired for anything new.  I contemplated this as I sat next to one of the unfamiliar women with no interest in learning anything about her.  I compared my new self to my old self and this was an unmistakeable difference.  One I couldn’t overlook.

Rational Brain – “What’s changed?  Why are you like this?”

Me – “I lost interest is all.”

The past 4 years of owning a business really has kicked my ass.  It’s a different type of ass-kicking than your regular job.  But I hate blaming it on that.  Like it’s not a valid enough excuse.  I have different habits and priorities now than when I was younger but can it really stem from business ownership?  Or has my laziness simply gotten worse?

Rational Brain – “Maybe you’re still recovering from busting your ass all those years?”

Recovering…..

If that’s the case, than I’m in a cycle of continuous recovery.  Recovery from debt, weight gain, hangovers, lawsuits, broken hearts, strenuous exercise, loss, grief, stress……it never stops.

To help mitigate my plethora of recoveries, I’m planning on buying this in the near future:

It’s a Harley Davidson Tri Glide Ultra.  I’ve seen a bunch of them on the road lately and they all scream freedom.  Oh god I want one so bad.  It can change my life forever – change me as a person so I’m not always in “recovery” mode.  I’ll be in “life’s a blast no matter what” mode.

They say owning a motorcycle isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.  This trike will help me get through life in a certain style.  Who wouldn’t want that style?

Before I buy this bike, I’m still planning on buying an electric bike first for my cross-country trip.  I’m choosing an ebike first mostly due to the benefits of exercise and I’d rather not see my country from a highway perspective.  First ebike then tri bike.

When I get back home in November from walking the Camino, I have to be sure to keep the weight off and still work at the same time.  So I’m going to join cardio kickboxing near my house.  I have the place already picked out.  And I won’t stuff my face like I did last time I got back from my walk.  It’ll all be for nothing.

I’m not sure what’s worse, weight debt or money debt.  Weight debt is always in your face screaming at you from your closet full of clothes that don’t fit.  Money debt weighs on you differently.  It makes planning your future harder while weight debt is more in the present moment.

As of now, I hardly think about money debt anymore.  I’m affected more by the impending lawsuit than anything else really.  But I can’t recover from something until it’s actually over. It’s sort of hovering over my head, stealing my breath every time I think about it.

You can’t recover from something that’s ongoing and the lawsuit is the only problem I have that’s ongoing.  All other issues are being resolved or have already been resolved.

But I must say, this has been the best summer I’ve had in a long time despite the lawsuit pangs.

Before my trip to NH, I went up to RI with Jill, her mom, and our friend Andrew came up for the day to meet us.  I was the only one who threw up, so it wasn’t anything too crazy, but it was a good time.  This whole summer has been filled with good times.  I never want to go back to working 70 hour weeks and I won’t have to as long as I have my office manager.

I still can’t believe my plan actually worked.

According to this plan, I was to retire this month (August) but it happened a few months sooner.  I have not paid off my debt entirely and instead, retired a few months ahead of schedule.

I would like to pay off my debt when I get back from the Camino, but that’s no longer a priority.  My cross-country trip is my priority now.  I’m telling my financial planner to take out $1,600 a month starting in December and ending in June.  That’s when I’m leaving.  I’ll have almost $10,000 saved for it.  $5,000 of that money goes towards the bike itself and all the equipment I’ll need.  The other $5,000 is for motels and food which I doubt I’ll be needing that much, but I like to be prepared.  Whatever is left over goes towards paying my debt.

*************************************

Aside from all that, I’ve gotten into audiobooks about video games.  This is a real thing, a new genre.

They’re not about Playstation or Xbox, they are about virtual reality games of the future.  MMORPG’s.  Open world role playing games in virtual reality.

I can NOT stop listening to them.  I love them more than any other genre known to man.  So much so that I want to write my own.

One guy wrote his own during his downtime and sold 5,000 copies on audible – possibly more.  People are pestering him about his third book asking when it’ll be released.

Author – “I do this in my free time.  I have no set schedule when it comes to writing so I don’t know.”

My head is already full of idea’s.  I want to write one because it’s fun, and not for recognition or money.  I really really want to write one.  None of my friends would have interest in reading it, but I don’t care.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

60 Times Around

The last time I walked the Camino, I cried on my first day.  That’s how hard it was.  The first day especially.

The 10th day was the hardest.  On the 10th day, I hit the wall from not getting enough protein.  I had to rest on the 10th day.  I literally couldn’t move.

I have to walk 25 kilometers on that first day.  Break that down into America’s language, that’s 15 miles.  One mile is 4 times around a track.  4 times 15 is 60.

It’s like walking 60 times around a standard track.  Yesterday I walked 12 times around so, 3 miles.  And my feet started to ache and my left knee cramped up.  On a technologically advance cushioned track with no ups or downs.

I did wear my ankle weights.  Only a pound and a half on each foot.

The thing about walking the track is the boredom.  I forgot how boring walking can be.  And since I already walked the Camino once already – I’ve seen all that stuff, it’s nothing new.  Which only compounds to the boredom I’ll have to face.  I’ll be in pain and I’ll be bored.  At the end of the day I can look forward to a bland simple dinner, not enough to satiate my hunger and on top of that, I’ll be bunking with 300 strangers in a dank gothic style church.  On that first day, there’s no shopping plaza’s or restaurants around for miles.

I have to pack more food.  Extra food for dinner and a little something for the following mornings breakfast – stuff I wish I knew the first time I walked.

15 miles equates to walking from my house to the middle of New Haven, possibly a little further than its middle. It’ll take me at least 8 hours.  It would take me 6 hours without breaks and if the path was completely flat.

I can’t believe I’m walking this shit again just to lose weight.  I hated it the first time.  I loathed it.

I’ve been keeping up with walking every single day.  My stomach looks like it’s slimming down, but I still weigh the same.  And my slim stomach may just be an optical illusion.  My pants don’t feel any looser.

Today I will attempt to hike up my big little mountain with my ankle weights on.  It’s going to be torture.

Leave a comment

Filed under camino de santiago, journal

Just Another Gut Wrenching Normal Day in the Life of Mel

I hardly work, but I still find myself busy every stinking hot sticky day of the week.  I woke up a few days ago and decided I needed to start a food truck business as soon as possible.  I spent hours pouring over any information I could find online.  None of it was in one place.  I wrote down every possible license I’d need, every possible permit and searched for used food trucks on eBay and Craigs list.

I had an insane urge to open a food truck business – an INSANE urge.  A scathing, stressful, eye-popping urge.  Why did I have this toe curling, life or death asphyxiation towards starting a food truck business?  Because I’m broke as shit.  I can’t even cook!

I hired a financial planner, so now I can finally get a sense of how much money I have in the bank.  None.  Zero.  Zilch.  I’m one broke ass bitch.

Last month was quarterly taxes, property taxes, and I bought a plane ticket to Spain.  When I realized the impending financial doom I was facing, I nearly clawed my eyes out.  My answer was to open a food truck.

For at least the last 3 days I was obsessed with this food truck idea.  Every moment was spent on my laptop in my hot musty room frantically pouring over my options.  Did I mention I was stressed?  Oh yes, there was stress.

When I wasn’t stressing about my newest venture, I went hiking up my little big mountain.  I went 3 days in a row and each time I completed it, while I was walking back to my car, I didn’t have that fresh feeling of relief or accomplishment, no, I had the most rueful scowl on my face.

Me – “This is such bullshit.  Fucking bullshit.”

Again, the trail has kicked my ass.  I go almost everyday to hike up that god awful place, risking my precious ankles from rolling or cracking my skull open on a sharp rock (they are everywhere pointing out of the dirt like daggers!)

But it doesn’t matter how many times I attempt it, it’s not getting any easier.  Granted, if it was cooler out it may be a different story.  I don’t know.  I just don’t fucking know.  I can feel those 30 extra pounds every time I walk up that hill and have to take those large steps up the rocks – the same rocks I used to fly up 5 years ago.

Me – “I can never let myself get like this again.  Never again.  I have to diet God dammit.”

And when I’m not doing any of the above activities, I’ve been keeping social and hanging out with friends.  Seriously, who has time to work?  I’m freaking exhausted!

Tomorrow I’m stopping in at work to check the phones since my office manager isn’t there on the weekend, then hike up my big little mountain, stop at the grocery store for a snack to bring to my friends cabaret play later that day.  It would be wise to not shower in the morning and to wait until after my hike.  I hate showing twice in one day.  I never needed to before, when I was 30 pounds lighter.  I never sweat like I do now.

I keep fantasizing about how awesome I’ll look after walking across Spain.  Not just look, I don’t care how I look.  But I feel like a lazy fat shit is what it is.  I want to feel better.

I’m trying to amp myself up for the Camino by listening to audiobooks about trekking.  Right now I’m listening to Wild by Cheryl Strayed and it’s depressing the shit out of me.  Much of it is about her having to deal with the loss of her mother – something I never want to think about or deal with ever in my life.  The book is too wishy-washy and makes me miserable.  I cried while listening to it during my hike today.  That’s not invigorating.

Can you imagine seeing a 170 pound woman with a beat red face, sweating her balls off while crying into her water bottle and meandering through the woods alone?  That was me today.  Go on, try to picture it, I’ll wait.  It’s a sad sight, see what I mean?  Now picture me trying to hoist myself up over the rocks with my fat ass.  Go on, picture it.

But the book did end up amping me up for the Camino.  So much so that I want to go on another pilgrimage in March to Shikoku island in Japan.  That one is much more expensive than the Camino but only if I stay at Minshuku’s, paid accommodations, everyday.  They have free places for Henro’s (pilgrims), but you should call in advance for them and if you don’t know Japanese, you’re SOL.  The biggest shit stick about trekking Shikoku is having to call accommodations in advance.  At most, Shikoku will cost me $100 a day for 60 days, so $6000.  The Camino costs $2000 for 40 days.

Damn, it’s already midnight.  I’m going to watch the season finale of Fear the Walking Dead and go to sleep.  Damn damn, I forgot I need to buy lotion for the business – there goes another $100 freaking dollars.

Leave a comment

Filed under camino de santiago, journal

Laying Around and Buying Shit on Amazon

That’s what makes America great!

It was too hot to hike, so I laid in bed listening to Awaken Online: Catharsis, an audiobook that got really good reviews on Audible.  I Love it.

And I bought shit online.

One such thing that I bought is my plane ticket to Spain.  I decided to buy it now because I was worried the price would go up.  It cost $566 which ain’t bad I guess.

I bought a round-trip ticket to Santiago, that’s where my walk ends.  I can bus it to the airport in less than an hour for my flight home.  No fuss, no muss.

On the way there, however, I have a layover in Madrid which works out perfectly since I can hop out at Madrid and take a domestic flight to St Jean Pied de Port for $66.  I found a small airport next to St Jean Pied de Port, I swear that airport wasn’t there last time I hiked the Camino.

I’m already dreading it…..the hike.  I leave October 10th and come home November 19th which leaves me with plenty of time to complete it.  It just sucks, having to do it again.

Okay, we all know how lazy I am, right?  I’m fucking lazy.  I worked today for a total of 20 minutes and for the rest of the day?  Nada.  I woke up at 12 noon and listened to my audiobook for about 8 hours.  After the 8 hours, I bought a plane ticket to Spain so I don’t have to exercise or diet on a regular basis.  I can lose the weight all at once in one month.

I’m too lazy to exercise so I’m hiking 500 miles across Spain.  That makes about as much sense as me starting my own business because I don’t want to work anymore.

I’m accomplishing more as a lazy person than I’d ever hope to accomplish as a productive one, that is, aside from having babies and getting married.  You either do or you don’t with those things, there’s no in-between.  You can’t push a baby back into your uterus and I believe in only getting married once, otherwise, what’s the point?  It’ll be like dating with a shared bank account.  No thank you.

My Aunt Marie died Monday morning.  If they did an autopsy, it would conclude she died from a drug overdose that the hospice kept pumping in her.  She would’ve had a few more weeks, if not months – years even, if not for all those meds.  But she couldn’t live with the pain.

These next two days are going to be hard.  Wake and the funeral split up in two days.

She’s why I’m hiking the Camino again, really.  Life’s too short.

Leave a comment

Filed under camino de santiago, journal

I Slept Until 1:30PM

Shit……I just woke up.

I had bad dreams today.  I can’t remember the specifics, but they weren’t good.

I always dream of vibrant colorful aquariums filled with beautiful exotic fish and today that aquarium shattered and cut up my hands as I tried repairing it.  That’s the only dream I can really remember.

My Aunt Marie got diagnosed with terminal cancer and now she’s at a hospice center in Branford overlooking the water.  She’s on so much medication that she can no longer speak and when she does, it doesn’t make any sense.  When I was there, they shot her up with two vials of something.  One was for anti-anxiety and the other was for pain.

It’s crazy how all this happened.  The steps leading up to it.  She was turned away 3 times by doctors telling her the pain was all in her head, until the 4th doctor told her she has 6 weeks to live.

Her daughter is my age, Christina.  Her only child.  Her husband died in the 80’s.

We have a huge family.  Yesterday I met two cousins I didn’t even know I had.  And last Friday there were over 20 of us visiting her in her hospital room.  But it’s still not enough.  We all went back to our normal routines after our visit, figuring out the next time (if) we can make it, while Christina is there everyday.  All she really has is her daughter.  No one else will be there to go through her belongings once she’s gone, or know what to do with everything, Christina is alone in it.  No siblings and no more parents – completely alone.

It’s my job as an awesome person to make sure she never feels that way.

Yesterday during my visit, my cousin and I took a walk outside the hospice to gaze at the ocean.  It’s there where she told me everything.  My Aunts best friend from high school, Joan, stopped talking to her 5 years ago because my aunt had trouble getting around.  So Joan dumped her for someone who could get around.  She completely cut her out of her life with no explanation.

Christina – “She broke my mom’s heart.  She never been the same after that.”

Me – “You’d think by that age people learn a little compassion.”

I know Joan.  I used to work with her at a restaurant in Meriden.  I always considered her weird.  Always busy, no time for deep conversations, shallow really.  She was always focused on the next big thing.  Nothing seemed to sink in when you spoke to her.

I know exactly how it feels when a friend leaves you for no apparent reason other than them not needing you anymore.  They become aggressively indifferent towards only you.  It’s probably in the top 5 worst pains a person goes through.

My Aunt became increasingly depressed as she got older and needed to see a shrink.

Christina – “She’s been suffering long before she got her diagnosis.”

The old woman sharing a room with my aunt is 94 years old.  A whole 24 years older than my aunt.  If my aunt wasn’t so depressed all these years, she would have another 24 years to go.  But 24 years of what?  Of more depression?  More suffering?

Depression…..if you seen my life up until these past few months, you’d say I had every right to be depressed.  People would see why and understand.  But it never quite got a hold of me.  Rational Brain would call me a pussy, a cry baby.

Rational Brain – “Don’t wuss out on life you pansy.”

Sure I got lost a bit in that whimsical world of spirituality, where broken hearts go to get restored (clearly you can see those days if you scroll back a few years in my blog).

But I got up, dusted myself off, and focused all my efforts into a goal and dreamed of a better future for myself.  That’s the trick right there.  And now I’m living in that better future and life is wonderful these days.  And now I have more goals, and an even brighter future than this one.

As for the p90X goes……I made it to day 2.  Day TWO!!!!  Before succumbing to summer mojito’s, parties and hangovers.  And then this thing with my aunt….

I decided it’ll be a hell of a lot easier for me to just walk the damn fucking Camino again.  Even though it sucks, it’s hell, it’ll be easier in a way.  I won’t be distracted by Netflix or sleeping late.  And I have everything I need for my trip.  I don’t need to buy anything.  The only thing I really need is a travel fork since the one I got is rusty.  And one more pair of travel undies.

Last time I walked the Camino, I did it on one pair of underwear.  My spare pair got stolen on the first day.

A huge reason why my aunt was so depressed was because of her health.  She’s obese and can no longer exercise even if she tried.  I’m vowing to never get like that.  That’s why I have to do this now.  I have to do it now before I start working again to save for a house.  I never exercise when I’m loaded up with clients.  It has to happen before then.

And I can’t go balls to the wall with my business, raking in fat stacks, not until this lawsuit is over.  There would be no point to buy a house only to lose it in the end.

I’m shooting for September.  I’ll buy my plane ticket last minute (because of the whole lawsuit fiasco) and fly Royal Moroc airlines.  They are insanely cheap!  I’ll fly straight to Madrid for $400, then hop a plane to Pamplona for $100, then taxi to St Jean Pied De Port.  The whole trip will cost me around $2500.  And I did it all before, I know exactly what I’m in store for and how to prepare for it.

Is losing 20lbs worth $2500 dollars?  Now that’s the real question.  But if I’m going to do it, September is the best time.  And if I don’t do it, I’ll be struggling with this weight for years to come.

If my Aunt Marie decided to walk across Spain at some point in her life, that may have been the turning point for her to keep the weight off and discover how easier life is when you’re healthy and fit.  There wouldn’t be any depression or cancer.  All because of a measly 35 days spent in agony.  I shouldn’t say agony, it can be fun.

My friend wants me to watch her house for two weeks in September, so I’ll have to leave after that.  Shit, she just texted me back.  I won’t be able to leave until October 5th.  Oh well, it gives me more time to save and prepare.

Shit, it’s my friends birthday dinner today.  I have to be there in an hour.  I didn’t even shower yet.  I’m a shitty person sometimes.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

Day One of P90X

I’m not posting any pics.  Screw that shit.  I know people love looking at before and after photo’s, but maybe I’ll post those at the end of the 90 days, not during.  I don’t even know if I’ll make it to the end.

Day one was back and chest.  A lot of push-ups, chin-ups, and pull-ups.  I did what I was able to, which was a lot less than the last time I attempted P90.  It feels like I’ll need a lot more than 90 days.

When I first did P90X, it kicked my ass.  I was sweating profusely, super hot, drank a bunch of water – the works.  It was great.  But this time however, I physically couldn’t do what I did last time.  There’s not much of a workout if I physically can’t do one push-up.  5 years ago I was able to do 20 push-ups!  It whooped my ass but I was still able to do it.

I did what I could this time.  I had to do modified push-ups.  Not the girly kind that has me on my knee’s, but the kind where I don’t go all the way down.  And I used a chair to support my weight when I did the chin-ups.  I kept doing reps of 5 for everything which is hardly anything that can work up a sweat, but that’s all I had in me.

I didn’t think I’d be sore today but I am.  I’m feeling it.  Not horribly, but enough.

I’m going to attempt day two of P90X and after, if I’m not too worn out, I’ll hike up my big little mountain.

 

1 Comment

Filed under journal

Entering into the Glory Days: My New Chapter in Life

My Dad woke me up today at 8am after I had a late night of 7-8 beers and little sleep.

Dad – “Mel”

Me – no answer

Dad – “MEL!”

Me – “Yeah…..”

Dad – “We’re leaving now for Atlantic city.”

Me – “Yeah….”

I fell back to sleep for what seemed like a few hours until I hear my Dad again outside my bedroom door….

Dad – “Mel”

I waited for the second, more boisterous MEL to jolt me awake, but it never came.  Then I thought to myself, “what are they still doing here?  Didn’t they leave?”

Me thinking – “Oh God, they did leave.  So who’s outside my door?”

Rational brain – “It was an auditory hallucination, don’t panic.  You’re still half asleep.”

Then my alarm went off about a minute after I heard ghost Dad calling me.  I slammed on the snooze.

My brother’s in Rhode Island with my dog and I’m all alone in the house until Tuesday.  I’m already creeped out.  It sounded so real!  An exact echo of this morning when my Pop first woke me.

I’ve had auditory hallucinations before but never like this.  The crap I hear is usually heavy machinery, 20 TV’s turned on and blaring, one time when I was a kid I heard a news bulletin but I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying.

I only hear stuff when I’m super stressed, I drank too much, and/or had little sleep.  It’s annoying when it happens.  It is NOT a spiritual awakening, it’s science that we haven’t figured out yet.

But anyways, I made a pledge to myself that I’m going to start the p90X workout tomorrow.  90 days of pain.  I don’t want to do it because it cuts into my laying around time, but I have no choice.  And plus I left behind my only pair of sneakers in Italy – I need to wear sneakers or my ankles get sore (learned from last time I did P90X).  So now I need to buy a pair of new freaking sneakers.

I’ve been hiking up my big little mountain most days.  I push myself to do it and it has gotten way easier, but I still feel like a fat slug.  I still don’t feel my best, my confidence is low.   My pants aren’t getting any looser.

It’s taking way too long is what I’m getting at.

I’m highly determined when it comes to certain things but I’m equally as lazy.  How can I be both?

I’m determined when it comes to things infringing upon my laziness.  I can’t enjoy being lazy if I’m fat and progressively getting fatter – the enjoyment plunges and morphs itself into self-hate.  I swear to god, I know I sound dramatic but it’s true.  My favorite activity (laying around) becomes tainted, no longer care-free enjoyment if I can’t run to save my life.  Eventually I’ll need one of those electric chair thingy’s to do my Walmart shopping in and clearly that’s unacceptable.

Why do I enjoy being lazy?  Because that’s the place where everything settles at the bottom.  The waters become still.  I can finally think and clear my head, to see straight down into the muck of the person I am.  No other activity welcomes me as much as mucking around the still waters.  It demands so little of me (none of me if you want to get zen with it).

My laziness started around mid-May and now it’s June 25th.  The chronic worry I faced during the initial onset of my retirement is subsiding and being replaced with insomnia.

I’m a night owl by nature.  Night is when I come alive.  And since I don’t have to wake up early anymore, the combination of being awake at night and sleeping in is seriously messing with my circadian rhythm.  I had insomnia 4 days in a row last week and I haven’t suffered like that in years prior.

So tomorrow I’m going to FootPrints to buy sneakers, then heading back home to start day one of the P90X.  It should quell my insomnia to some degree.  Seriously, P90X is no joke.  It’s an hour of pure ass-kicking.

These past 4 years of working 70 hours a week has taken its toll just as I knew it would.  Yet another reason why I hate giving massage – it makes me fat.

But what blows my mind is – I foreseen all this happening.  Almost like I planned it.  I knew my body would be a wreck at the end but I also knew as soon as my time freed up, I would do something about it.  I’m not just all talk.  I’ve never been all talk.  I planned for this and I’m actually following through.

As far as my business goes…..

Have you ever looked back on a certain time in your life when everything seemed easy and fun?  Like an old job you out-grew, but loved the time you spent working there?

I’m horribly sentimental to a fault and I kept wondering over and over again ever since opening my business; “if I look back on this time in my life, would they be fond memories?  Easy and fun, filled with loving people?”

The answer I always found myself with is No.  No this is not a fun time and no I would not look back on it fondly.

That is until now.  I’m living in that time right now.  The time when everything is perfect.  I can look back on this present moment and say, “Best time ever.”

I’ve been waiting for this moment since opening.  And if you completely disregard the pending lawsuit, things will only get better from here on out.

I think things are good now but you just wait…it’ll get even better.  You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.

My receptionist has a lot to do with it.  She ties everything together.  She’s even throwing us an employee party at her house which is ultimate in strengthening the bonds we share.  The stronger the bonds, the more powerful the business.

I feel like I’m reliving my 20’s.  The ease and flow of life when you’re young, it’s all coming back.  Complete with care-free’s, no responsibilities, and following the fun.

When I look back on last summer, the only thing I remember about it is my spontaneous 5 days off.  I had 5 days off in a row, it wasn’t planned.  It just happened.  The rest of the time was spent on stress and one disaster following another.

So far this has been the best summer of my life.  Well, technically 1986 was my favorite summer since I thought it lasted an entire year (I was 6).  I graduated kindergarten and waited for first grade to start but it never came.  I remember asking someone if I had to wait a year until I can go to the first grade and they said, “it’s not a whole year, just the summer.”

But yeah….this is the best year of my life.  I can’t get over it.  And it’ll only get better!  As long as I keep the weight off and stay healthy, age won’t be a bother.  I have nothing but the best years still ahead of me.  And it all began last month.  It’s only been a month of this!

And according to my poor math skills, I’ll have an extra $2000 in the bank starting next month.

Don’t get me wrong, life still sucks.  I can never stop the suck completely, it’ll always be there.  All I’m trying to do is make the best out of the suck.  Despite the suck, I will enjoy what there is.  I laugh in the face of the suck.

******************************

I sat outside on our back porch today – just for a few minutes.  I went out there to throw a recyclable away and as soon as I slid open the sliding glass door, I was hit in the face with a beautiful day.  Literally, I felt it hit my face.

Me – “Wow, it’s so nice out.”

Me thinking – “We are floating in pitch-black darkness surrounded by nothingness.  No air to breathe, no plant or animals, not even gravity.  Nothing.  Just coldness and the sporadic clump of debris that formed into an orb due to gravity.  We are on such an orb.  One orb of debris out of infinity.

I HAD to sit down to think about this.  To look at the tree’s, the sky, feel the breeze, the colors and brightness, hear the birds chirping.  How are we even here?

I’m part of the earth, it made me.  I’m a natural part of it.  But why me exactly?  Why Me specifically?  My thoughts don’t feel natural, they don’t feel born from the earth.

Language, which I feel is the deciding factor between beast and man, allows these unnatural thoughts to occur.  Language creates a barrier between us and the universe.  We are not it and it is not us.  Language is nothing more than an evolved form of basic survival.  It came strictly from ego, our fear of death.  It’s both linear and restrictive and forms us into everything we are.

The sad truth is that there is no me.  I’m nothing but just another animal born from science.  No better or different from any other animal that lived.  Language is the biggest obstacle that makes us think otherwise.  Like we’re special, we’re separate.  It’s the biggest lie ever told.

Once you grasp this, I mean REALLY grasp it, it shatters your world.  You will suffer ego death (which feels like dying for real) and reemerge as the buddhist monk who ordered his hot dog “One with everything.”

It’s like you have to study really hard, learn all that you can and when you’re ready – forget it all.  Wipe the slate clean because it’s all false, it’s limited thinking, it’s not as real as now.

But now you have a base-line to shoot from.  If not for all you learned, you wouldn’t have a place to plant your feet.  Language is a place holder.  Until you swap it out for something better, what existed before you will continue to exist unchanged.

I’m clearly transfixing dammit.  I hate when I do that.

Shit I hope I sleep tonight.  I’m hungry.

Tomorrow is a big day filled with new sneakers and kicking my own ass.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help