Category Archives: journal

2017 Taxes

I’m finally getting my taxes done.  FINALLY.

Ugh, I’m in such a pissy mood.  I’m at Main Street Cafe and two guys are sitting next to me with their phones out and I swear to god it looks like they’re taking pictures of me.  One of them has his flash pointing directly into my eyeball.

I’m so fucking pissed.  I have a miserable scowl on my face.  Why anyone would want to take my picture is beyond me, unless it’s for a miserable face meme.

Some guy ordered a raspberry chai latte with almond milk.  That’s like the barista asking “How much gay would you like in your coffee?”

Man – “I’m going all gay today, thanks.”

Barista – “So we’re talking fruit flavors with lots of almond milk and instead of coffee you’d prefer a mixture of floral spices?”

Man – “Yes, I’ll have that.”  He dismisses the barista with a wave of his hand.  His reading glasses rest above his eyebrows on his forehead.

I can’t make this shit up.

Wow I’m an asshole today.  But that just made me LOL.  Thanks for that friend.

I’m at the coffee shop to do my taxes.  I swear there’s no other way.  It’s next to impossible to do it at home – I can’t tell you how hard it is, just take my word for it.

This post is for next year, so I can speedily do my taxes in one fell swoop.

For future Melanie, 2019 Melanie, the BEST WAY TO DO TAXES:

  1. Go to a coffee shop.  Bring your laptop, a notebook, and your checkbook.
  2. Add up all your checks.
  3. Check all debits in your Wells Fargo checking account.  Add them up.
  4. Add up Amazon orders.  Write down the amount spent each month.
  5. Check all debits in your Bank of America Account.  Write down all non-amazon, non-check debits and add them up.
  6. Go through all paper receipts.  Write them down and add them up.
  7. Log in to Turbo Tax

I’m still on number 5.  I just need to tally the numbers.

At this rate, I think I’ll be done filing my taxes by tomorrow.  And then…..freedom.  Sweet sweet freedom.

I’ve been having so much stress lately.  I’m mostly worried about money of course.  It’s always about money.  But besides money, I’ve been worried about filing taxes, getting the dryer fixed, getting through all these groupon couples massages, the lawsuit, and lastly, opening up business number 2.

All of this puts me in a super pissy mood.  I don’t want to do shit.  I shouldn’t be around people, honestly.

The dryer is fixed, but the vent still needs to be cleaned.  I’m waiting to hear back from the duct doctors.

Anyway, I should head back home.  I’ll add up all my paper receipts and tomorrow I’ll go to Cheshire Coffee to input all the numbers into Turbo Tax.  It’s actually not hard or time consuming, I’m just scared to see how much money I owe.  I’m always scared.

I had to be in work at 9:15 today for a client.  I shouldn’t complain about that since it got me out of bed and to the coffee house to do my taxes.  If I didn’t have a client, or if I had a later client, I would literally do nothing all day.  I’d sleep, eat, nap, watch Jessica Jones on Netflix, play Elder Scrolls online.  I hadn’t had a day like that in a very long time.  Today would’ve been one of those days for sure.

I massaged my client at 9:15, was done at 10:15, returned voicemails, went to the bank for change and here I am.  It’s 3:50, I been here since 11.  Damn!  Okay, I’m going.  I guess taxes are time consuming.

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My Last 3 Days

Today is Wednesday.  On Monday, I had insomnia.  I had insomnia by drinking one small bottle of Starbucks mocha latte, an impulse buy from Stop & Shop.

When I have insomnia, my mind goes into hyperdrive.

I thought of a new science fiction story about a young man who starts hearing voices.  The voice tells him that it’s himself, from the future.  His future self found a way to have consistent lucid dreams and through his lucid dreaming, he’s able to go out of body and into new dimensions of spacetime.  He can travel back in time but only as a voice in the head of his younger self.

I’m picturing Chris Pratt for this character.  A stupid, lovable Chris Pratt.  His future self is also stupid and all he wants to do is save the world, but he doesn’t know how.  They befriend a psychologist who treated Chris once he started hearing voices.  He thought he was going crazy so he went to see a psychologist.  It was the psychologist who convinced Pratt that he isn’t crazy, and together they team up to find ways he can use his gift to better the world.

I thought about this for 6 or 7 hours.  Completely immersed in my new fantasy.

It’s such a weird thing, insomnia.  I normally get sleepy around mid-night and fall asleep with no problem.  It’s like hitting a switch.  But with insomnia, I’m tired but not enough to hit the switch and when I want to hit the switch, I can’t find it.

Yesterday I had to brave the winter storm by going to work to let the Maytag man in to fix the dryer.  He told me what I already knew.  That the dryer was overheating due to our ostensibly long exhaust pipe.  I’ll either need to vent the dryer inside the room itself, or get an inline blower for $150 bucks.  But even with the blower, it might not be good enough.  I’m going to try venting inside the room, but there are also disadvantages to that such as needing a dehumidifier and constant filter changes.  And the heat will be stifling.

After that, I went to shoot pool in my league.  Because of the storm, we were short players.  Due to this fact, I had to be the sacrifice that night.  Being pit against a 6 while I’m a mere 2.  I was a 2 who’s gotten no sleep!  I said that I’d rather not play, and to play our 7 against the 6 instead, but our 7 didn’t want to play either.

I ended up getting crushed, but two of my buddies were there and we ended up playing each other after our matches.  All of us lost last night and we cheered each other up.

The problem with exhaustion is, at some point, adrenaline kicks on.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Exhaustion can in fact, end up keeping you awake!  I tried focusing on my audiobook to tune myself down.  I wanted so badly to write last night.  My mind was on fire with so many questions and idea’s.

I can’t remember what time I fell asleep.  No later than 2AM, but guess what time I woke up today?  2PM!  And I woke up exhausted.  I slept the whole way through.

My audiobook does a great job in putting me to sleep but it also ceases my ability to dream.  Dreaming is one of the most fantastic things I’m great at.  With dreams, I get to learn from my mistakes.  It subconsciously repairs my brain to become in sync with my desires.  Like with wanting to play better pool, dreaming about pool can make me a better shot.

There’s actual studies about this.  I won’t get better at pool unless I play it so much that I dream about it.  It’s the dreams that make us brilliant.

I have so many stupid ambitions and infatuations.

All I want to do today is play my game and hide from the world.  I don’t want to think about anything or talk to anyone.  But I have a client at 6:30.

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Get the fucking ball in the hole

My first APA game, I went up against a lovable old man.  I didn’t want to beat him.  I thought I’d “go easy on him”.  But in the end, he ended up beating me and I learned a valuable lesson.

Tuesday I was up against another adorable old man, Wally.  He had an oxygen tank and everything.

Me thinking – “Not this time old timer, not this time.”

I beat him.  He’s actually a decent shot too.

Every opponent I’m up against, I take seriously.  I take each shot seriously.  I’m training my mind to “get in the zone” for each ball I go for.

Tuesday I arrived an hour early for my match and left at 2AM – way after it was over.  I played a man named Dave for a couple hours after the match and towards the end of the night, I started beating him at every game.  I was getting better with each game we played.

I drank a lot of beer, but it didn’t seem to effect me.  I know that sounds like crap, but beer has no effect on my pool skills what-so-ever.  As long as I keep my focus in check (which takes a little more effort when inebriated).

The only thing that effects my game is my level of confidence and applying everything that I’ve learned.

But the best thing that helps me sink my shots is in telling myself, “Just get the fucking ball in the hole.”

It’s like I wipe the slate clean.  I don’t think about anything that I learned, and instead I focus on getting the ball in the pocket.  But at the same time, I’m aware of my body mechanics and knowing the precise place to hit the ball because I learned how from past experience – it’s all there, just subconsciously there.  I forget it all and focus on the main goal – to get the ball in the pocket.

I don’t know how or why this works, but it works.  I want to write about it so I don’t forget it – that’s how important it is.

Get the fucking ball in the pocket, Melanie.

My favorite part of the night was arriving early for my match.  When nobody else was there yet.  I popped in my wireless headphones and tried making the same shot over and over again.  The exact same shot, just over and over and over – whether or not I make it in.

Everyone else, they like to practice by shooting the balls wherever they lay, but not me.  Same shot.  Over and over.

And then I find myself with that exact same shot during a match and I think to myself, “just like practice Melanie, Just like practice.”  And I make it in.

I actually have fun when I take the same shot repeatedly.  I don’t get bored with it.  I get confused, curious, proud, all in that order.

I love pool.  I have trouble understanding why not everyone enjoys it.



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The Last 3 Days

I had a nice evening planned last Friday.  One where I’d be able to unite one friend group with another, forming a new bridge of connections and loveliness.  But then Adonis called in sick and I had to take his clients.  Then he called out yesterday, forcing me to contend with 8 clients all booked with me.  And today, Sunday, I massaged for 3.5 hours and then dried sheets until 11 at night and then brought them back to work so I don’t have to do it tomorrow morning.  Why?  The damn dryer broke.

I didn’t actually massage all 8 people.  Leah, one of my employee’s, told me she’d take my last two.  I love Leah but I don’t want to get into how much I love Leah.  Just know that I do.  I fucking love Leah.

I’m so tired.  I just finished off a bottle of sake that I found in the fridge from weeks ago when I went to Sushi House with my cousin.  And I taken one melatonin and half of a Kirkland sleeping pill – the smallest (and cheapest) little crumb of a pill – it knocks me out every time.  How the hell does a pill do that?  It’s about the size of my pupil – smaller than the mole on my clients shaved head.

I massaged a guy last Saturday with the last name Gotta.  He had a mole on his shaved head and all I thought about as I massaged him was, “How does he not slice that sucker off when he shaves his head?  Does he have to go around it each time?  Has he ever nicked it and had it bleed everywhere?  Gotta lance that buddy.”

When it was time for  him to flip over, I wanted so badly to say, “Gotta flip over now.”

I have tomorrow off but it’s not exactly a day off.  Not when there are sheets that need drying.

I finally opened up a business bank account for my new place, Sound Alchemy Massage.  The woman who helped set it up, set up my last business account too.  She remembered me even though it’s been over 2 years.

I put $2000 in my new bank account.

Now is the time to start looking for an office but I can’t with the dryer being broke and all.

This post sucks, I’m going to bed.

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Melanie Joins a Pool League

I love to play pool.  I absolutely LOVE it beyond measure.  After decades of saying I’m going to join a league, I finally did after meeting some old friends out during one of their league nights.

My team adores me.  Well, at least I think they do.  And other people on different teams have taken a liking to me too.  The bartender, Brie, the owner, Billy, the manager (forgot her name), they all love me.

I was afraid I would hate having to be someplace every Tuesday night but it turns out that I look forward to it and it’s not impinging on work even when we are busy with signature couples massages.

I feel like a super star on Tuesday nights with my messy hair tied up, wearing my ripped jeans and hoodie.  I wear the same clothes every day.  Have I ever told you that?

I’m one of the few people who drinks beer while they play.  I’m surprised not more people do it.  Right now I’m a level 2, which is a perfect level to be since I can get away with drinking beer and not have to worry about missing a shot because, well, I’m a level 2!  And my team wants me to stay a level 2.

If I stop drinking beer during my matches, I’ll most likely go up a level.  The one night I experimented by only drinking one beer and I kicked the girls ass and won the whole thing.

I score points for my team each week and I don’t have to practice if I want to stay a level 2, and I can drink beer.  Sounds pretty peachy to me.  Good deal.

As of now my team is in second place.  Once we’re closer to the end of the season, I’m sure everyone starts to sweat bullets because if we win, it means we get to go to Vegas.  Vegas baby!

When I first joined the league last month, I became obsessed with practicing, watching YouTube videos, reading Jeanette Lee’s autobiography…..etc.  But now my obsession sort of died down.  Other obsessions taken its place.

People say I’m unemotional but I tell you what, when I play pool – they come out in full force.  Anyone who’s ever witnessed me play pool would never say I’m unemotional again.

My team set me up with my own stick (I named it the Pink Lady), a case, a glove and chalk.  I need the glove for my sweaty ass hands.  My hands are always sweaty no matter what I do.  While I was in Spain, Hana would grab my hand and tell me that it’s wet.

Hana – “They wet.  Why they always wet?”  She’d say while she smacked the palm of my hand.

They’re wet right now just typing on my keyboard.

I hate the way dry hands feel.  When a dry hand is handling or folding a dry piece of paper, I cringe.  I hate the sound of it.  If my hands ever do feel dry, I cup them over my mouth and blow my hot breath into them.

I’m a weirdo, I know.  I wonder what else I do that’s weird that I don’t realize.

I don’t have a client until 5:45.  It’s 1:41.  I should eat, shower, and maybe play my game for a bit.  I’m not sure what else to do.  I should clean the dryer vent at work but I’m so freaking lazy.

The dryer at work started making a racket on Saturday, February 17th, the busiest day of literally all time.  I think we had 35 clients or something crazy like that.  My theory is that it overheats because the vent is clogged.  We have to keep stopping and starting it.

I bought the LintEater kit from Amazon and I have to use it to snake the 35 feet of tubing – possibly more than 35ft.

As far as my new business goes…..I’m procrastinating.  Mainly because I can’t focus on more than one task at a time.  Work has been busy, which leaves me with no time to set up the new place, and the dryer is busted.  I’ve been stashing money aside though.  I have almost $2000 saved towards the new place.

Don’t get me wrong, money is tight these days.  We’re not promoting the membership anymore so I don’t have that automatic $6000 at the start of every month anymore.  Not only that, but our ex-members are still coming in to redeem their massages that got built up over the years.  There are a TON of them.  Just yesterday we had an ex-member come in for a 90-minute couples massage.  That will cost me at least $60 that’s been spent ages ago.

That’s just one example – these ex-members are coming in everyday to use up their credits and the money is long gone.  There wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t have to pay $5000 to my lawyer.

Speaking of….I haven’t heard anything about the case in a while.  My lawyer was undergoing depositions but the next person in line to be questioned, had something happen to her.  Like hospitalization or something.  She had to push it back but that’s been weeks ago.

I also wrote a letter to one of the victims.  The lady who gave her deposition, I wrote her an email because I still had her info in my files so I figured, why not?

It was a personal, humble, wildly informal email describing my life up to this point.  I re-read it a few days ago and if she decides to sue me after reading that email, there’s no goodness left in her bones.  Her heart is far gone from this plane of existence. You’d have to be a psychopath to want to sue me after reading an email like that.

I haven’t heard anything back from anyone since sending her that email.  January 26th is when I sent it and now it’s February 22nd.  I’m hoping she gave it to her attorney to read.  I’m hoping I’ll get to read it in court.

She’s a professional, so I know she reads all her emails.

I should take a shower and start my day.  I hate having shit to do.

I’ll feel wholly settled once:

  • My new business is opened and established
  • My dryer is fixed
  • The signature couples massages are almost all redeemed
  • Taxes are done
  • The lawsuit is over

Until then, I’m all knots and bolts.  I can’t relax.  The only time I feel somewhat relaxed is nighttime when it’s too late for me to act upon anything.  But during the day, my procrastination stresses me out.

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Lucid Dreaming

I just woke up from a lucid dream while laying on my PEMF mat.

I haven’t laid on this thing since it made me puke last week.

I wasn’t even tired today but as soon as I laid down, my eyes closed and I fell asleep within seconds.

I awoke sitting next to my friend Stephanie who proceeded in telling me that I was in her dimension and not my own.

I started asking her all these questions, stuff I don’t already know, and she diligently answered them and surprised me with her answers.  Unfortunately this dream was my first lucid dream in quite some time – my first ANY dream actually.  So I’m a bit out of practice in remembering what she said.

Steph:  “Do you want to watch E later?”

Me:  “E?!  Who the hell watches E?”

Steph:  “What time are you from again?  E!  It’s Neil Diamond’s special.”

Me – “Neil Diamond?  What’s so great about Neil Diamond?”

Steph – “How can you even ask me that?”

Then my old poodle that passed away 15 years ago jumped on my lap.

Me – “Oh my god, Spudz!  I missed you so much, you didn’t visit me in years!  How are you buddy, you doing alright?  Your fur is so soft and clean.”

I hugged and kissed him.

Then Julia Styles appeared.

Me – “Julia Styles?  What are you doing here?”

Julia – “Oh hey……..”

I forgot what she says but I went over to her and seeing that it was a dream and all, I started kissing her.  No tongue, just lips.  She had a small mouth and it was unfulfilling.

While I was making out with Julia Styles, I was transported away to another room where a man sat on the bottom half of a bunk bed.

Me – “Hey, who are you?”

Him – “I”m part of your team.  We’re looking for someone who just tried feeling up Julia Styles.”

Me thinking – I didn’t try feeling her up, what’s he talking about?

But then I jumped his bones too, but he disappeared on me before I got the chance.

All these people in my dream were teammates. We were a team of super hero’s.  We were superhero’s because we knew the world we lived in wasn’t real, we could control it.

At some point during the dream, my ex-boyfriend Dave showed up.  Dave wasn’t part of the superhero team, but he was there to help us.

I shouldn’t even be writing about this especially now that he’s married with a kid on the way, but once again, I jumped his bones.  I pulled his pants down and gave him a blowjob.

Me thinking – I can finally give him that deep throat he’s always wanted.

But no, even in my dreams I gag.  How is that even possible?!

Lucid dreams have the tendency of feeling more real than real.  Especially when it comes to sex.  Everything is heightened beyond your wildest expectations.  I’m not blowing smoke and you’d not believe me until you experience it yourself.  It’s the most mind-blowing sex you’d ever have in real life.

Julia Styles spotted a group of men dressed in black approaching the house we were hiding in.  They worked for the government and it was their job to kill superhero’s who might tilt the scale of power.

Julia Styles – “RUN!”

Since I knew it was a dream, I willed myself to fly upward into the ceiling.  It was hard to go through the wood of the ceiling, but I pulled myself through.  There were multiple floors in this house and I never seemed to reach the top.

Me – “Screw it, I’m going out the side.”

I flew out the side of the house and found myself floating in the universe.  I tumbled around at crazy speeds (but not out of body, it was still only a dream).  I floated through electric purple and blue storm universes which were my least favorite, and then I ended up on a planet completely made out of pixels.  It was a low-def video game from the 80’s.

Me thinking- Oh man, why are my dreams so outdated?  I can think up better graphics than this!”

I turned into Link from Zelda, only a female Link wearing a skirt instead of pants.  Zelda, I guess I was Zelda.  And I continued to fly around in a Minecraft-looking world, building castles and stuff as I floated above everything.

That’s the time I over-heated and woke up.  My PEMF mat was set to 5, it clearly states not to fall asleep with it set to 5.

I didn’t abuse the other controls though.  I didn’t give myself an overdose of PEMF, IONs, and PHOTONs like I did last week.

Damn, I gotta go to work.

it’s now the next day. Or possibly two days later, I don’t know.

I just reread what I wrote and what I want to know is why the hell am I so horny in lucid dreams? I’m NOT like that in real life. Nowhere near it, complete opposite. In fact, I just bought my first vibrator at a romance party and it’s not even the kind with the shaft and balls, it’s just a vibrating ring I can wear on my finger. Honestly I probably won’t even use it.

I’m going to Google horny lucid dreaming, hold on….


It’s now a lot of days later……too many days later.  Work has me all knotted up these days.  I’m posting this now or I’ll never post it.

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When Melanie Tosses The Cookies, She Likes to Write About It

I’ve been laying on my PEMF mat whenever I get home.

The PEMF, ION and Photon functions all have separate automatic shut-off’s, so after 20-minutes, I reset them all by turning them on again.

There’s a shut-off for a reason.

I taken a 2-hour nap the other day and when I woke up, my t-shirt was damp with sweat but I felt fantastic, like it was the best nap of my life.  That same night, I fell asleep on the PEMF mat with the heat setting set at 2 but before switching it to 2, it was set at 5 which meant that the mat was still super hot before I fell asleep on it.  Plus I’ve been resetting the controls as soon as they automatically shut off in order to get continuous doses of PEMF, IONs and Photons.

I woke up 2 hours later with severe acid reflux or heat stroke, I don’t really know.  All I know is that my stomach contents wanted out.  I didn’t feel nausea or stomach pain, just vomit in my mouth.

I also ate an entire gift basket before falling asleep so I literally tossed the cookies.  I don’t think it was the gift basket that made me throw up though.  It was just pretzels, chocolate, cookies and crackers.  Okay, maybe I ate too much.

My stomach was completely full, like my body had trouble digesting everything.  I think the PEMF made my body too alkaline.  I didn’t have enough stomach acids to digest the food.  Either that, or I overheated or overate.  It could’ve been a bunch of stuff that did it.

But the PEMF mat terrifies me now.  Yesterday was my day off from it.  I’m scared to use it.

It clearly states in the manual not to overdo it when you first get one.  I need to build up a tolerance for it first.  But I also think it’s all hog wash malarkey so I paid no heed.

I’ve been so tired and achy lately.  My ankles and right knee are starting to hurt again – Camino pain I haven’t felt in a while.

And infrared heat scares me!  It heats your body from the inside out.  Normally your body heats from the outside in, so this feels unnatural to me.  It feels like I’m roasting myself alive and don’t even know it.  And there’s hardly any scientific studies about infrared heat!  We don’t know if it’s safe!

I don’t like the mat.  No, I don’t like the mat.  There’s a small cult of mat lovers out there but I’m not one of them.  The heat feels really good though.  I can crank it up and my skin never gets hot or burns from it.  I keep turing the knob higher and higher.  It’s addicting!

When I was throwing up, my dad sat in the next room watching the news.  It was around midnight.  I was scared he’d hear me puke but the old man’s so deaf, he didn’t hear a damn thing.  And I puked so very hard.  When I emerged from the bathroom, he was still sitting in the same position with his back turned to me, never turning around.

I went to sleep around 11:30 last night and I woke up at 12:30 today.  I slept the whole time without waking or semi-waking.

Yesterday was the Super Bowl.  I normally go out every year for the Super Bowl but I stayed home yesterday.  Amy, Lisa, Jill, all wanted me to come over, but I was too tired.

My brain is not working today.  I have two clients later and then I’m meeting Amy for a drink.

Amy just texted me saying she’s not feeling well and probably won’t hang out tonight.  How weird!  I was just thinking about her!

I’m going to end up laying on the PEMF mat again later, after I get home.  I know it.


As far as my new business goes…..

I’m waiting to get my articles of organization.  It can take a few weeks.  After that, I can open up a business account and start putting money in it.


I’ve been fantasizing about my science fiction book a lot lately.  The idea is clear and simple, but it still has a few kinks.

I’m one of those people who ask questions when watching stupid movies or reading stupid books.  Questions like, “why didn’t they just run out of the house?  Why stay and get slaughtered?”

It’s those kinds of questions that put a kink in my story because things happen in my story that don’t make sense!  But I’m learning it’s those same kinds of questions that add depth and twists.  I can have an idea and work backwards from it, answering all my questions along the way.

I’m also flip-flopping between actors that’ll play the lead role.  I flip from Leonardo DiCaprio, Chris Pratt, to Jennifer Lawrence.

I love picturing a male in the lead, but I also love movies where girls kick ass, so I’m stuck.  It’s a serious problem not knowing the gender of your lead character.  I like them both.  I want to see a girl who kicks ass, but I also love Chris Pratt’s quirks.

I’m so lame in real life that I don’t play a role in my own fantasies.

Maybe Chris Pratt can play the boyfriend and Leonardo can be the villain?  Or Jennifer Lawrence can play the villain….

I’ll think about it over my massages today.

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The Gentle Rumbling Rambles of a Babbling Blog

I’m laying on an $850 dollar PEMF mat made out of a bunch of small semi-precious stones.  27 pounds worth of semi-preciousness and 6 more pounds of technical equipment that I can’t begin to understand.

I feel like one of those rich people that buys shit just because they can.

Here’s the exact PEMF mat I bought

It’s the heating element that I don’t understand.  I can crank this baby up full blast, I think it get’s to be around 150 degree’s.  But when I place my hand on it, it only feels lukewarm to the touch.  However, when I lay my entire body on it…..holy shit that’s freaking hot!  I started to sweat my balls off and I don’t even have balls!

I felt the heat in my bones and in my blood.  My entire body covered in immense heat.  My pajama bottoms were getting damp and that never happens, not even when I work out.

I’ve been laying on this thing since I got home at 4:30 and now it’s 11:27.

Anyway, aside from this ridiculously expensive heat mat, I wanted to write about my new business again.  I want to calculate the absolute lowest amount of money I have to make a day in order to break even.

Let’s say rent is $500, internet is what?  $40?  Tracfones are crazy cheap but let’s say $60 a month for two of them.  And that’s it.  Those are my expenses.  $600 a month.  Now, how many clients do I need a day to reach $600 a month…..

600 divided by 30 days is $20 a day.  I need 3 45-minute birthday massages a day, or one 45-minute birthday massage and one 75-minute birthday massage a day, or one coupon client a day.

If I have one coupon client a day, that’s $38.75 a day X 30 days is $1162.50 minus $600 is $562.50.

When I run the numbers this way, things look a bit grim.  Shit.  It’s possible I won’t break even for at least 4 months, and instead, paying out my teeth for this new place.  I already spent over $1000 on it and it’s still the very beginning phase.

The current business I have now, we get a TON of the same people booking every month.  Today alone, we had 5 – would’ve been 6 but one cancelled.  The one that cancelled has been with me since day one at my first stink-hole office.

If I can get my new business to have these same numbers, well, I’d be stinking rich is what.

But the therapists I’m hiring aren’t me.  I hate to say it but I’m freaking special.  I really REALLY hate to say it.  And everybody would equally hate to hear me say it.  As soon as I say it, my specialness is gone and now I’m the opposite of special, but more like hated.  Hated in a special way.  Envy is probably the worst kind of hate.  It’s why wars are started!  All war!

Envy is equal to lack of power and when acting on this lack of power, destruction falls in your wake.  You may win and get to write the history books, but you’ll always be miserable because you’ll never be self-sufficient, but always dependent on someone or something.

Narcissists are the most envious people there are.  Take take need need.

I’m rambling.

Go on, hate me for thinking that I’m special.  I’d do it too.  I hate when people say that.  Mostly out of annoyance rather than envy.  Only two or three times did I feel the envy, that’s how I know about this.  I didn’t read about it, I experienced it.  Luckily the disease never latched.

When people talk highly of themselves (or even highly of their kids), it can breed envy.  Why anyone would wish to be envied is beyond my scope of understanding.  Where’s the love in that?

Part of my charm is that I act like a kid.  When I’m being myself, that’s how I act.  But not an immature kid or an emotionally inept person – I act inexperienced, but I’m happy about my inexperience because it means I can only get better and no matter how good I get, I’ll always think of myself as inexperienced.  I’ll always ask questions and respect others opinions and advice.

Come to think of it, my travel buddy, Hana, is the exact same way.  We acted like children together exploring foreign lands but somehow expertly navigated the whole trip by the seat of our pants.  It was fucking awesome.

My personality can best be described by this PEMF infrared heating mat.  I don’t emit heat, I’m cool to the touch, but my heat penetrates deeper than all those other heating mats.  It’s like I’m energy efficient or something.  I only expend myself when needed.  Perhaps this is the origin of my laziness?  I can’t be awesome if I’m not lazy?

God, I hate writing about myself like this.  I really do.  I’m not like that, you know me best, right?  It’s embarrassing is what it is.

But my point is…..I have about 40 clients still coming to my business, all of whom have known me since Massage by Melanie.  My other therapists?  Not even close.  Even after all this time.  Well, Mollie would be the closest.  Then Adonis.  But these clients don’t even get massages by me anymore, they come to my business simply because they like me.

Finding therapists that match my caliber are a rare find.  Trust me, I’ve worked at Massage Envy, known quite a few therapists in my day and very few of them match my caliber of having both skill and likability.

I know what people want.  That’s the trick.  To take myself out of the equation.  My therapist, Mollie, is an expert at this.  She’s not the smartest person I ever met, but she’s a genius at likability.  And now that you know my secret, there’s no need for the envy.

I’m freaking tired.  I’m going to finish watching Future Man on Hulu and hit the hay.

The saying “hit the hay” is literally older than mattresses.

Wow….I just googled the history of mattresses for the last 15-20 minutes.

Oh God I have problems.


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Another Business Post

I don’t have a stupid heart condition, I have an addiction to my goddamned electric cigarette is what it is!  My heart always feels constricted at night, when I lay in bed and vape the most.  Duh Mel.  Duh.

I’m sitting at Cheshire Coffee trying to work on my new business website.  I can’t do it at home.  I tried for weeks now to do it at home but I end up playing my game all day, or going out to do other shit.

I had so much trouble getting here today.  I fell asleep around 1:30AM and woke up at 8AM to pee.  I fell right back to sleep and didn’t wake up until 12:30 in the afternoon.

And I can’t move when I do that.  I can’t get out of bed.  I vape and watch Netflix and if I start playing my game, that’s it.  The day disappears.  It’s all over.  If I’m feeling frisky, I order take-out at J Sushi.

But here I am at Cheshire Coffee.  I made it.

I need to make a To Do list for my new business.  If I don’t write one up, nothing gets done and I stay good and confused for weeks at a time in a too-much-sleep-induced coma.  Completely immobile.

So, here’s my list.  Everything I need to do in the order I need to do them:

  1. Finish my website
  2. File the articles of organization
  3. Obtain an EIN (I do not need to register for CT state tax due to no employee’s)
  4. Once I receive my papers, open a business checking account.
  5. Put $1500 in that checking account
  6. Buy surround sound stereo
  7. Buy Ipod
  8. Buy iPad and Square stand
  9. Find an office
  10. Buy two tracfones
  11. Finish website adding address and phone number, schedulicity and gift certificates
  12. Order business cards and Gift Certs
  13. Decorate the massage office
  14. Write up an employee handbook
  15. Hire independent contractors
  16. Email blast with birthday massage offer
  17. Cross your fingers and hope for the best


It’s now the next day.  The new website is pretty much done.  It looks immaculate, better than my last one.  I want to show off my new website to the world.  I’m so freaking proud of it, I can’t stop looking at it.

Truthfully, it was hard for me to choke down what I was selling in the beginning, but the more I researched and wrote about it, I somehow converted myself into a full-on believer.  I believe in what I’m selling.  I’m a fucking fanatic.  I’m not embellishing!  I fucking love what we’re about!

I also upped my prices and I’m adding in a 45 minute massage option.  Without the 45 minute option, it’s possible that my therapists will end up with a huge gap in their schedule because a 75 minute session wouldn’t be able to fit where a 45 minute session can.

A 75 minute massage is $90, with the loyalty coupon it will be $70.  This is still a very competitive price in my area.

A 45 minute massage is $54, with the loyalty coupon it will be $44.

I mulled over these numbers a lot and they make total sense.  Mathematically, they make sense – and it’s more sensible to offer 75 minutes and 45 minutes rather than the traditional 90 and 60.  I can fit more people in this way, get more bang for my buck, and the therapists will be happy they won’t have to give grueling 90 minute massages and the 45 minutes are easy money.

And the dollar amount of both massage options is divisible by 18 – my lucky number.  Perfect I say!  I just want to shout the word FUCK.  FUCKING PERFECT!

Down the road I’m thinking about keeping the business open on Mondays – Once we have clients rebooking and enough therapists to cover the extra day, why not stay open on Mondays?  I literally lose nothing.  The only reason to stay closed on Monday now is because we don’t have enough clients or therapists to fill a full 7 day work week.

But once we do have enough…..let’s run the numbers again.  This time, adding in the extra day and calculating the new price increase.

We can fit 6 75-minutes massages in one day.  If those 6 clients pay the coupon price of $70, the therapist gets $31.25 while I get $38.75.  I just want to point out that what I make is almost even with what the therapist makes.  This is how it should be at all massage businesses.

Okay, so $38.75 X 6 =$232.50 a day.

$232.50 X 7 days a week = $1627.50 a week

$1627.50 X 4 weeks a month = $6510 a month.

I mean holy fucking crap, right?  But that’s the absolute most I can make.  And in truth, I’m not going to hit anywhere near those kinds of numbers.  It’s next to impossible.

Plus I have the birthday massages to contend with…..

Let’s run the numbers if all I sell are 45 minute birthday massages…..

They take up an hour time slot and there are 12 hours in one work day.  45 minute birthday massages cost a mere $27.  $18.75 of that goes to the therapist, so that leaves me with $8.25.

$8.25 X 12 = $99 a day

$99 X 7 days a week = $693 a week

$693 X 4 weeks a month = $2772 a month

I tell you what, $2772 a month is a whole bunch of money.  Minus $500 for rent, that’s still $2272 a month.

I’m telling you, I’m a completely rational, logical person (most of the time) and according to me, no matter how I slice it, I still come up on top.  Now lets figure in if I had 6 of these businesses….beep boop beep…..$2272 X 6 = $13,632!

Shit ballz that’s a lot.


I just got home from my pool league.  It’s my third week playing and it’s not the hassle I thought it would be.  I’m actually quite enjoying it.  Tonight I played my buddy, Mike, whom I haven’t seen in years.  It’s a complete coincidence that I played him.  I didn’t even know he played.

But I’ll leave my pool league adventures for another post.  For now I want to run the numbers again.  Boring, I know, but I’m obsessed.

I had a few beers……I’m watching season 3 of “The Path” on Netflix.  It’s a good show.  They base their entire religion off the teachings of ayahuasca but they don’t come right out and say it.  But I know.

Anyway, let’s project my income if I have only one birthday massage and one coupon massage a day.  Now, this projected income would be the absolute LOWEST it can go.  At no time, even in the beginning, would there be only 2 clients a day.  But let’s just see what it would look like….

One 45 minute birthday massage a day would be $8.25 and one 75 minute coupon massage would be $38.75.  That equals out to be $47 a day.

$47 X 7 = $329 a week

$329 X 4 weeks a month = $1316 a month.  Minus $500 for rent leaves me with $816 a month.

At no point in my calculations does this sound like a bad idea.  Do you see what I’m seeing?  Are we seeing the same thing?  Anyone who thinks this is a bad idea, or that I’m greedy or blinded by false optimism – they’re obviously not seeing what I’m seeing.

This is a very real, very doable business.  And all parties involved are happy.  Client is happy – they’re paying a competitive price for a service they can’t find anywhere else (this massage is very unique), my therapists will be happy because they can work whenever they want and not have to give the same monotonous massage 6 clients a day with little pay.  And I’ll be happy because, well, look at the numbers.

Seriously, every way I slice it, it’s the most perfect layout.  In all ways, perfect.

Shit, I’m tired.  I’m going to sleep very well tonight.  Only 12 more minutes of “The Path” and it’s lights out for me.

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Me, Myself and My Heart Condition

A few days ago I wrote about waking up in the middle of the night with a feeling that a diamond replaced my heart.

Yeah well, as it turns out – I think it’s a freaking heart condition!

The diamond lasted for about 3 days and went away after I slept for 12 hours.  I didn’t realize the diamond was a problem until it went away.

My heart takes the brunt of all my stress.  Whether I’m happy, sad or excited – my heart knows what I feel before I do.

All emotion is stress, even the good ones.

When the diamond went away, I couldn’t feel my heart anymore.  It went on pumping in quiet contemplation.  It feels healthier when I don’t know it’s there.  I’m not supposed to feel pangs in my chest or shortness of breath – these things are bad Melanie.  Bad!

I paid off that $5,000 of debt I gave to my lawyer.  I paid it off  sooner than expected, so now I’m squeaking by financially with fingers crossed that I make it.

I need to calm the fuck down.  Calm the fuck down girl.

I can feel the diamond creeping back in.  Like it knows I’m excited.  It’s excited that I’m writing this post!  I’m getting jolts by just typing this!

Okay, I need to change my thought process.  I need to think sleepy time tea.  Milk and honey.  Poppies, puddles, a rainbow reflection. Think sand and wind.

Think about the mantra from the movie, The Men Who Stare at Goats:

Mother Earth, you are my life support system.

As a soldier, I must drink your blue water, live inside your red clay and eat your green skin.

Help me to balance myself as you hold in balance the Earth, the sea and the space environments.

Help me to open my heart, knowing the Universe will feed me.

I pray my boots will always kiss your face and my footsteps match your heartbeat.

Carry my body through space and time.

You are my connection to the Universe and all that comes after.

I am yours and you are mine.

I salute you.

Calm the fuck down Melanie.  Calm the fuck down please.

Why is this happening?   Let’s think about it….My heart feels really dense and constricted….hmm.

I felt my heart unclench a bit as I read “Help me to open my heart, knowing the Universe will feed me.”

I think my newly found heart issue has to do with trust.  I’m scared everything will fall apart.  My heart is clenching like a fist in order to hang onto things.  Like, the minute I turn away and I’m no longer excited, everything will slip away.  I’ll lose focus, make mistakes, lose interest or hope.  My heart doesn’t trust anything that’s happening because it’s never known true happiness or freedom.  All it’s ever known is how to keep its head above water.

I subconsciously want to keep myself excited until my dreams match my reality, than I can relax.  The excitement is a placeholder of sorts.

I need to find a heart opening poem, hold on…

Ugh, it’s all sappy garbage about love.  I have too much love, that’s the problem!  I’m having heart issues because life is amazing and true freedom is obtainable.  But the real issue is that I don’t trust it.

This, I need to work on.  I’ll turn a possible heart condition into heart condition-ing!  You see what I did there?  I added an “ing” at the end.   I’m going to condition my heart into letting go and trusting the universe.  And then maybe, just maybe, I’ll live long enough to see flying cars and teleportation.

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