Category Archives: journal

Melanie’s Mundane Life, or is it?

It’s been 10 days since I ordered my E-bike.

It’s strange how it feels like a piece of me is missing even though I never owned this piece of me in the first place.  But I understand.  I owned $2700 and that $2700 was a piece of me and now that it’s gone, I want my damn E-bike to compensate for my loss.  So in a round-a-bout way, yeah – my E-bike feels like it’s a part of me even though we were never formally acquainted.

It’s Friday.  It’s 10:21 AM.  And I don’t have to work.

I had a bad dream last night.  The world was ending and my mom wanted to stay here in town to be with her friends, but my dad wanted to get us to our cottage in Rhode Island.  He thought we had a better chance of surviving out there.  I agreed with him.

There’s really no right or wrong choice on whether to stay or to go.  It comes down to what kind of person you are in the end – when shit hits the fan, who are you?  Do you seek comfort amongst family and friends?  Or do you fuck everybody and do your own thing?

I guess I’m the type to fuck everybody and do my own thing.  Well, fuck everybody except my immediate family that is.  Because in the end, I’m a horrendous cynic and believe that everyone will fuck me over the first chance they get so I bess’ be on my way.

It’s my unfortunate reality.  There are people out there who believe otherwise, like my Mom, but I can’t see it.  All people ever do is use each other.

I had to go to Bozrah yesterday to massage one client.  I made it a habit of ordering food just before leaving to go home so it’s ready by the time I roll into Wallingford to pick it up after work.  And yesterday I ordered so much food.  So much…..

Egg drop soup, spring rolls, oshinko roll, philly roll, white tuna and cucumber roll, and an inari cucumber roll.

It’s a lot of freaking food.  It took me all night to eat it while playing my video game.  I loved every minute of it.

On my way back home from Bozrah yesterday, an hour drive, I didn’t listen to the radio, podcasts, or my audiobook – I instead watched the story of my book idea unfold in my minds-eye.  It was riveting.  Even while I was massaging, before I left to go home, I watched my story unfold – I didn’t want to end the massage because I was at a pivotal part in the story and didn’t want to break concentration.

The hero of my story, Chris Pratt, has finally made it to the center of “Dante’s Inferno” in his VR experience.  (Please read my previous post about my book idea to understand what I’m talking about).

So, he finally made it to the center and he learns everything there is to know about the true nature of his world.  I won’t get into explicit details, only that he finds out that his entire universe – him and everyone, everything in it – is nothing but a simulation meant to recreate historic events, help predict future events, and meet influential people of the past.

His “creators” created a perfect replica of their own universe, down to the last blade of grass and hair on a dogs head.  Chris Pratt was born 2500 years into the “creators” past – if that makes sense.

All this might be hard to follow, I’m hoping I explain it better in my book.  Chris Pratt is living in a simulated universe that is the perfect historic replica of his creators universe and Chris was born 2500 years before his creators made the simulated universe.

Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the creators.  He meets Chris Pratt in the center of “Dante’s Inferno” by transporting his image via virtual reality.

Leonardo DiCaprio – “It’s you!  It’s really You!”

Chris Pratt – “Yeah….it’s me alright.”

Leonardo DiCaprio – “Half the people of my world don’t believe you ever existed!  That you’re some fable, a made-up story.  This is unreal!  It’s unreal that you’re real!”

Chris Pratt – “Well, it turns out that I’m just a simulation so….can’t be real, can I?”  He slaps at his chest.

Leonardo DiCaprio – “No Chris, you’re not just a simulation.  You see, everything that happened in your world, happened in our world too.  If you exist here, you must have existed in real life!”

Chris Pratt – ………..

Leonardo DiCaprio – “But it turns out that you’re just a regular guy!  And a simple man at that.”

Chris Pratt – “Hey now, all my teachers told me I was special.”

Leonardo DiCaprio – “But you don’t have any special powers.  Not now anyway.  You only gain them after you come back from here simply because you learned how to manipulate the software….wait…..”

Everdeen – “I ‘spose that means your world is just as much a simulation as his.”

Everdeen is an old southern black woman from Alabama who found her way to the center of “Dante’s Inferno” after she died and Leonardo DiCaprio has been using her as a type of “Alexa” or “Siri” program to help answer questions.  Everdeen know’s everything.

Leonardo DiCaprio – “No.  No, it can’t be.  It can’t be.  Chris almighty, the simulationists were right.”

Leonardo DiCaprio – “Nobody can know about this.  Nobody can know about this!”

And he dissolves in a flash, back to his own simulated universe.

There’s a lot more to it than that.  I left out a TON of stuff, but you get the idea.  It’s a simulation of a simulation and it just keeps going down the line.

I think writing this book is the reason I was born.  If everything really is connected, and there’s a reason for everything and that reason is for us to evolve (like ayahuasca told me), then it makes sense that my job here on earth is to write this book.  Think about it.  I don’t want kids, I don’t want to get involved with anyone, I’m the most independent person that I know who owns a business that functions perfectly on its own – I basically have time to write it – I have no excuses not to.  And it’s coming to me so plainly and naturally.  It puts me in a trance, really.

It’s now 11:27.  I guess I should shower and go rollerblading or something.

It’s strange though….I’ve been writing this blog for about 8 years now and I never cared to make it “popular”.  I barely comment on other peoples blogs, I don’t dive into the blogging community by making new friends and promoting my writing – I like to stay hidden, buried in the depths to remain overlooked.  Why is this?  I think it’s so nobody can steal my book idea.  I’m the one who was meant to write it, and the universe knows it.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

The Trick to Confidence

In all the places I’ve traveled, from Thailand to Peru, my clothes always smelled fresh and clean after paying someone to wash them for me.  And I mean everywhere – even the poorest parts of Cambodia.  The kind of places where if a person owns a washing machine (not even a dryer), they’re in business.

“How do they do it?”  I always wondered.  I thought it was some exotic trade secret, or maybe they scrubbed the clothes by hand?  Pounding them with huge tropical flower pedals and incensing them with delectable oils.

I now know their secret.  They were using a washing machine less than 30 years old.

Our old faithful broke down a few days ago so Pop had to buy us a new machine.  I can’t get over how good everything smells that comes out of it.

Last week I slumped my head down into the well of our old washer and gave it a whiff.  It smelled like an old damp swamp sock.

Not anymore.  Melly shall smell no more!

*************************

The woman who’s suing me broke up with her boyfriend recently.  How do I know this?  Because he called to tell me.  Apparently she cheated on her husband 6 times with big beefy black men – a character trait I should know about.

Her ex-boyfriend also knows the guy who runs the Cheshire Harald and they want to write a first page cover story about me.  Apparently the guy who runs our little town’s paper thinks I’m awesome.  I swear I never met him.

Her ex-boyfriend wants us to talk and to be friends.  I said no to both the news story, and to us being friends.

**************************

I went on the Cheshire Harald website the other day while wasting time until my client arrived.  A 34 year old woman from my town died.  “Who is this woman?”  I wondered.

Her obituary didn’t say much.  Just that she was an EMT and is survived by so-and-so.  She looked healthy and happy in her EMT uniform on her obituary pic.

I searched her on Facebook.  We have 11 or so mutual friends.

Then I googled her.

First thing that popped up when I googled her name was 10-15 articles all depicting her arrest.  Her and her friend robbed their mutual friends of over $15,000 in jewelry.  She looked like a drugged out mess in her mug shot.  The guy she was with looked like a real dirt bag.

My findings conclude that she most likely OD’d from fentanyl laced heroine.  Either purposely or not.

Her linkedin account said she was unemployed.  Why have a Linkedin account to post to the world that you’re unemployed?

Internet is a cruel truth-teller even after we die.  I never knew her but that’s how I’ll remember her.

************************

I had a realization yesterday while I was massaging my client.  That’s the one thing I miss about giving massages – the realizations.

Two weeks ago during my pool league match, They pit me against an older woman who hit her prime in the 80’s so she still looked straight out of the 80’s.  She was a level 2, just like me.

Anyway, she kicked my ass in both games.  I was devastated and my team felt my devastation.

So last Tuesday, 3 days ago, I decided to laugh it off no matter what happens.  I made up my mind to play my best game and have fun while doing it.  I made it a point specifically to decide on this before I drove down to the billiards hall.

We can tell ourselves to do anything, but we don’t actually listen to our own advice.  We’re too preoccupied with habits and thinking patterns.  But last Tuesday I bypassed my habits and thinking patterns so to make room for this new belief, this new perception and fully divulge myself in it.

It’s about paving the way for choice.  And putting myself aside to make room for it.

We can make choices.  We can decide on anything.  But there’s more to it than just that.  This is where people get confounded and stop believing they are in control.

I joined a pool league so I can drink beer, play pool, and enjoy a little healthy competition while doing it.  I didn’t join to make friends.  So when I first arrive early at the pool hall, my main aim is to grab a beer and practice.  I get so pissed when people want to chat during my precious practice time – it’s uber annoying.   I NEED to practice.

But this is part of my problem – if I make a choice to relax, have fun, and play my best – there’s no room to get pissed at people who want to talk to me.  By allowing myself to get pissed, I’m not in control.  The “choice” I made beforehand is invalid, forgo, forfeit.  I can’t let go of past beliefs.  Beliefs that tell me I need to practice in order to get better and I can only have fun and relax as long as I’m playing well – ergo, I NEED to practice, not chat, before a match.

People who play pool regularly know that 99% of the game is built on confidence.  The remaining 1% is skill.

I can’t be confident if I believe I’m lacking in practice – that’s a dichotomy.  So right off the bat, I’m failing at the choice I made to play well.  I’m failing the minute I arrive to the pool hall and see a swarm of people making their way over to me.  I can’t play my best game if I’m not confident to do so.  And according to my old belief, I need to practice in order to feel confident.

Some choices are easy, some are hard.  A simple yes or no, where to eat, what color to paint your walls with – those are open and shut.  Not letting the Cheshire Herald do a cover story on me?  An easy no.

But choosing not to get angry anymore, choosing not to drink alcohol anymore, the choice to do better in school, be a better person, exercise regularly….these are open-ended choices.  They have more moving parts.

My choice to relax, have fun, and play my best game has a lot of moving parts that I wouldn’t have known about if I didn’t make that choice to begin with.

The law of attraction comes into play.  The more moving parts that can trip you up, the more likely you will fail in the choices you make.  Everything must match up with your choice.  It’s not about “frequencies” or any of that bullshit, it’s about matching your unconscious beliefs with your current choices.

All you need to do is keep reminding yourself.

My friend Chris started talking to me as soon as I arrived at the pool hall.

Rational Brain – “Remember to have fun Mel.” I told myself. “Here, drink this beer, it’ll help.”  Yes the beer did help.

Me – “But what about practice?”

Rational Brain – “If you think you need to practice, that means you’re not confident.  Stay confident no matter what and have fun no matter what.”

Me – “Having fun feels very similar to having confidence.”

Rational Brain – “Yes!  You can trick your brain into having confidence as long as you’re having fun.”

I whooped my opponents ass in both games and won myself another patch. Next week I’ll have to sandbag.

*********************************

It’s now many days later.  I ordered my Ebike July 10th and now it’s July 16th.  I can NOT wait to get it.  I’m watching YouTube video’s about bike touring and seeing all that can go wrong.  I’m going to need some workable knowledge in case I need to fix my motor or repair a flat.  One guy blew out his throttle 6 times in one bike tour, something I know nothing about repairing.

Zen and the Art of Ebike maintenance.  I wish that was a book.

*********************************

I’m trying to spend all my barter network money so I can get out of their system.  I just bought a $1000 pool cue with my barter network money.  The case it came with is $300 alone.  I got an OB cue, a high performance non-deflective cue.  It’s what the pro’s use.

I’m really excited to use it.  Sal, the owner of Shooter’s (where I picked up the cue), let me practice on it a bit but I need more hands-on time to really understand the difference between it and my old cue that Erika gave me.

I know for certain that break cue’s make a huge difference in the way each stick breaks the balls up, but a players cue?  Not so sure about that.  Why $1000?  It’s just a stick?!

I’m hoping none of the other teams catch on that it’s a $1000 stick.  My lips are sealed.  No lever 2 player should be caught dead with a stick that pricey, or they’re no longer a level 2.  I’ll tell Nicole, but that’s it.  Nicole is my team captain and she became a very good friend of mine.  She knows my brother and her sister graduated high school with me.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, Self help

The Happy Blues

Earlier today I was watching Comedians riding in cars getting coffee and so I thought to myself, “what a great idea!”  And so here I am sitting in Cheshire Coffee drinking an iced decaf latte.

I haven’t done this in forever.  The last time I sat at a coffee house was to do my taxes.

Dave Chapelle was vaping his electronic cigarette in the coffee shop all through-out his chat with Jerry.  He made it look natural and necessary.  But if I did that, I’d get bitch slapped.  Not only by the patrons but by my close friends too.

So instead I sneak tokes of it in the bathroom like some crack addict but no, not Chapelle.   Some people have everything.

I guess I should write a little update on my life whist I’m here…..

Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say it.  My life is fucking fantastic.  Fucking fantastic!

Here it is, a beautiful summer day in July – noon on a random Tuesday and as always, I’ve got nothin’ to do.  I don’t have to work.  I don’t have to do a damn thing!  If I do show my face at work, everyone asks me, “Melanie, what the hell are you doing here?”

It takes a while getting used to.  Normally I would lay in bed, order take-out and either watch a bunch of Netflix movies or play my video game.  It takes a while to actually want to venture out.  Even just to the coffee house.  It’s like I caught a small agoraphobic virus or something of the sorts.  Plus I can’t vape in here.

The thing with being happy is that I get dumb.  Really really stupid.  It’s like when you’re in a dark room for a very long time and you’re just emerging from it, the bright light is too much for you – all you can think about and see is the brightness of the light.  It makes you confused, unable to make out your surroundings or the situation.  You kind of just want to crawl back inside your hole so you can see better.

That’s me right now.  Wanting to crawl back into my hole.  I’m fidgety, yawny, I want to eat and drink and vape and do anything to make myself feel more like when I’m in my hole and not in the great big world of relentless wonder in which I find myself in – with time and money to spare!

It’s too much and I’m not big enough to get a handle on it.

I hate happy people.  I hate them because I think they’re all full of shit – ain’t nobody that happy.  Not ever.  I hate liars and fake people and happy people are both of those things. I want to punch them until they snap out of it.  “No you’re wrong!  Your life sucks just as bad as the rest of us!”

Unless they are stupid, then it’s okay to be happy.  I actually love hanging out with stupid happy people.

There ARE exceptions….like when a person accomplishes something.  If they get awarded or recognized.  When they tell you why they’re so happy, they do it with a proud embarrassed smile on their face while shaking their head in disbelief.  THOSE people are real and not liars.  They’ve got a reason.

The thing with me is….I don’t trust being happy.  It makes me stupid and uncomfortable and even socially awkward when I’m happy.

Why am I happy?  I’m about to buy my electric bicycle.  I haven’t done it yet….I’m prolonging it.  It’s like, I’m happy in knowing that I will buy it any minute but then after I buy it – like a second after I buy it, I’ll be broke again with buyers remorse.  I might even be depressed.

Okay, screw it.  I’m buying it.

I need to take my Bar Harbor trip this year because it’s a pre-cursor to my cross-country adventure next year.  I’ll be getting my feet wet with this Bar Harbor adventure.  I HAVE to buy it and this is the perfect time to do it.  It’s literally a life-long dream of mine.

I just bought it.  Oh god oh god oh god.  What have I done!?  Shit.

They build, test, and inspect the bike in California so it takes a good 2-3 weeks until they actually ship it to me.  By the time I get it, I’ll be able to take my Bar Harbor trip.

I always have to make myself uncomfortable somehow, it’s part of my habit of wanting to crawl back into my hole.  And I found that by spending money – like practically ALL of my money, is the fastest, easiest way to achieve misery.  Not only misery, but absolute terror.  The kind that sends pings of pain to your chest.

I’m embellishing.  I’m actually okay financially – really okay even after this.  And if I’m not okay, all I have to do is sell 40 signature couples massages on groupon and I’m good to go.  It’s just that big unnecessary purchases always make me cringe.  As they rightfully should, or I’d be in deep shit.  I’m not a rich person.

Anyway, I accomplished what I came here to do so now maybe I’ll rollerblade a bit before my pool league.  I’m feeling less happy now that I spent money on that bike so hopefully I’ll stop being so god-dammed dumb.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

Another Change of Plans

Yesterday I had a 45-minute client scheduled at 6PM.  I had to leave here at 4PM because traffic can be a real bitch and after the massage, it takes me an hour to get home so listen……I was away from 4PM until 8:15PM for a 45-minute massage which Groupon pays me $18 for.

Gas to get up there costs around $7.  So for $11, plus a $17 tip, I work for 4.25 hours.  But get this….earlier yesterday, Dawns client didn’t show up for her appointment which deducts an automatic $15 of that $28 I made.  So overall I made $13 and an earful of Dawn spouting how shitty it is to only make $15 for sitting on her ass. “It’s hardly worth my time” She says.  Well, sorry Dawn, but the place is going Down Dawn.

And today I do it all over again.

Fuck this shit man.  Fuck it.  You hear me?

I guess I should tell Dawn we’re going down but she has 4 clients next week and I’ll be dammed if I’ll be the one massaging them.  I’ll tell her right after those 4 clients.  Plus I’m pissed she gave me grief that I paid her $15 for doing nothing for a half hour.  Honestly, it’s going to feel good telling her we’re closing.

Anyway, this turn of events changes things.  It not only free’s up my schedule (which was already pretty free to begin with), but I’ll not need to buy another bio mat for Cheshire – I can use the bio mat from Bozrah.  And since I don’t have to buy anything, I can afford my electric bicycle.  And since we’re closing Bozrah, I have time to go on my Bar Harbor adventure.

We have 51 unredeemed Groupons in Bozrah.  After next week, we’ll have about 46.  I’m guessing 6 out of that 46 won’t even redeem their voucher.

I should’ve moved Sound Alchemy Massage into Cheshire from the start but I just wanted to try something new and exciting – I wanted to see for myself.  I wouldn’t have listened to anyone telling me it was a bad idea.  Nothing horrible has happened from it anyway except losing a small amount of money.

And I have this weird tendency of making myself feel just a tad uncomfortable.  I feel like there is no progress in comfort.  Another way of looking at it is that when I feel comfortable, it just means I’m too scared to push forward.  I settle in my comfort zone where I know I’ll be safe.  Life becomes encased in a thick layer of fat and my senses are dulled down into cankles.  Days slip by fast and flubbery.  Like trying to hold onto a buttery eel.

**********************************

I improved on my book idea.  You know how I had two book ideas?  Well, now I combined them into one solid story.  I won’t tell you how I did it but they are perfectly combined into one cohesive story.

Fuck it, I’ll tell you.  I really really want to write about virtual reality.  That’s the main reason for combining both stories – so I can have some fun in the VR world.

So here’s the premise:

Chris Prat is dying of pancreatic cancer.  Even in the future, it’s one of the most deadliest, rapid sicknesses you can get.  He can go at any time.

There’s a way for him to prolong his life and get everything in order before his passing by undergoing the VR procedure which compresses time.  The deeper he submerges himself in his subconscious, he can stretch the rest of his life into millennia.

The VR experience is also a place where it’s possible to heal yourself.  But it’s a gamble since the deeper you submerge yourself, the less chance you have of ever finding your way back.  It can turn into an endless nightmare.

I concocted a whole backstory to this VR experience but I won’t get into that now – I’ll save it for the book.

Chris is the first person to ever reach his core spirit.  Not only did he reach his core, but he was able to do it with his mind still intact.  Most people go insane before reaching the bottom layers of their subconscious.

At his core is where he finds profound insights to life and to reality.

It’s a book about love, philosophy, and super hero’s.  It’s basically the birth of a super hero but instead of being born on Krypton, being bitten by a spider, or born a mutant – all my hero did was find himself.

I suppose in my own weird way, I’m trying to find myself too.  And I’ll never find her when I’m comfortable.

After my Bar Harbor adventure, I’m going to start writing this book.  This is the story I was waiting for this whole time.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

Change of Plans

Today is another day of no work.  My dog woke me up from my sleep coma which consisted of 9 and a half hours of sleep this time.  I had pretty pleasant dreams.

What will bring me out of bed today?  Let me check the weather…it says rain at 3:00.  I want to go for a walk.  Sleeping Giant might still be closed though from the big hurricane we had a few weeks ago.

What to do what to do…

I got my ukulele.  I guess I can play that.

There’s a ton of new movies on Netflix I can watch and there’s a new season of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmitt – don’t ask me how but that show makes me laugh hysterically.

I owe over $1700 in taxes this month.  How the hell did that happen?!  It’s a good thing I didn’t buy that electric bicycle or I’d be freaking out about now.

My new business in Bozrah will take a while until it starts getting busy.  I spoke with Groupon about it and they told me it’s not like it used to be.  They no longer sell hundreds of deals all at once, plus there aren’t that many people that live out in Bozrah who’d want to buy those deals.   So I told Breanna she can work in my Cheshire location for now.  That way she can quit Massage Envy.  She’s quitting today as we speak.

It turns out that I really like Breanna and the client she massaged loved her.

My new business has 35 unredeemed vouchers and 27 redeemed vouchers.  Once we work up the number of unredeemed vouchers to about 80, we’ll be pretty consistent with staying booked up.  It’s just getting to that 80 voucher mark that’s the hurdle.  It’s just a waiting game.

Yesterday was my pool league.  I didn’t want to slug down beer after beer like I normally do.  Instead I nursed one beer all during my match game.  I played a woman, Gina, who is very good but I still managed to beat her in both games.  It was the first time my opponent didn’t win at all against me.  Why?  Because I wasn’t drinking.

I was all set with beer yesterday.  I didn’t feel the need to wolf them down.  But this guy, Mike, was there who insisted on buying me drinks for the rest of the night.  It’s like when a smoker offers an ex-smoker cigs.  Hard to refuse.  I ended up drinking as many beers as I normally do, only, I didn’t have to pay for them.

I’m a VIP player in my team.  Since I’m a level 2, Nicole, our team captain, can play our heavy hitters, Ryan and Jon.  And since we want to keep me a level 2, Nicole can sacrifice me when it’s time for me to lose a game by pinning me up against a high level player.  And since I’m a decent shot, I usually score at least one point against them.  I’m the sacrificial lamb the team needs in order to win.  It’s why we’re so good.  We are so good because I’m both a strong and weak player.  I’m a walking contradiction just like in my everyday life – a lazy successful business owner.

I’m opening up Sound Alchemy Massage inside my other business starting next month.  I’m doing it sooner rather than later because at this rate, I’m not going to be able to take my trip to Bar Harbor anyway.  Not with it being this slow in Bozrah.  Once it’s set up in Cheshire, I’ll send out the email promoting it and this new venture will finally start paying for itself.

After that, I’ll just have to wait until we have 80 unredeemed vouchers and I’ll hire another therapist to take over in Bozrah.  Then I go on my Bar Harbor adventure.  That’s the plan at least.

Anyway, enough laying around, I’m going to take a shower.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, work

Bouba and Kiki

It’s Saturday.  I haven’t worked since Wednesday.  Sleep coma’s are becoming an even bigger problem than usual.

It’s just that I don’t have any reason to get out of bed.  I’m a homebody by nature, content wherever I am.  10 hours of sleep each night is nothing unusual for me.

I feel like I can out-sleep anyone.  Anyone except Hana.  Her habits were surprisingly worse than mine with staying up later than me, eating more than me, spending hoards of cash, being more impulsive.  All of my worst habits, she has them tenfold.  And trust me, I can be pretty bad.

My problem is that I don’t have anything to look forward to.  Sure I have my friends, I go places and have fun, but what I’m missing is more than just run-of-the-mill shenanigans.  I need a project to work on.  Something that makes me excited to get up everyday.

My Bozrah project got me excited, it got me up in the morning, gave me reason – but stupid Groupon isn’t selling our deals like expected.  So now it’s just another worry, another liability.

What am I missing in life?  I’ve always been like this, as far back as I can remember.  I’m lacking a reason to get up.  I lack an obsession.

Beer used to be my motivator.  “If I go here, I can have a beer.”  “If I have tomorrow off, I can get away with drinking tonight.”  “Let’s call so and so and grab a drink somewhere.”

Beer has been my number one motivator, my number one reason for getting out of bed each day – for as long as 15 years it’s been my only reason.  But I haven’t been working much, so my number one reason for waking up each day is becoming my worst nightmare.  It’s like if you want your kid to stop smoking, you make him smoke an entire pack – It’s like that with me, with beer.

But I do love it.  Even just one bottle of beer makes me feel wonderful – just one freaking bottle is all I need.

Adonis, my employee, the one who wanted to speak to me last Wednesday, asked me if he can be business partners with me 50/50.  And because I was drinking beer, I remained nice and calm and didn’t show my rage.

I was expecting him to quit and I was okay with him quitting actually.  I started planning my next move and looking forward to the possibilities.

I told him I’d think about it even though I wanted to shout out “hell no!”  Instead, I let it fester for one night and had horrible nightmares because of it.  Nightmares of people moving in – literally moving into my business.

When I woke up the next day from my sleep coma, he texted me saying he’d like to discuss it again with me and I replied with a simple, “It’s not going to happen, sorry.”

I could’ve given him a long list of reasons as to why it’s a ludicrous idea, but it wasn’t worth it to me to get all riled up again.  I didn’t give any explanation, just a flat no.

Goddamned millennials.

It’s Saturday, yet another day off.  I can pick up the phone and call someone, but like I said earlier, I need more excitement than the same old shit I’ve been doing all my life.  I don’t have any ambition for calling anyone up.  And my greatest motivator, beer, is losing its magic.

I keep thinking “what if I had my electric bicycle?  Would that motivate me to get out of bed?”

Maybe, but I love having money in the bank.  I feel safe and good with money in the bank.  If I buy the bike now, that lovely feeling will be gone.

*****************************

It’s now Monday.  I’ve been doing fiddly squat for days on end.  Well, I did manage to clean my room, make a new improved debt chart ($9,000 in debt), and yesterday I ventured out to buy two things I’ve been craving – kimchi and french onion soup.  And then I bought a smart ukulele on Amazon for $159 out of boredom.  I went on Amazon just to look around, like taking a stroll downtown to window shop, and within 5 minutes of my “window shopping”, I bought a ukulele.

If I want something that costs less than $200, I buy it without much hesitation.  I want it and I simply buy it.  The fret board lights up to tell you where to put your fingers, and they have games to play.  It’s like Guitar Hero but with actual learning a real instrument.  I’m pretty damn excited about it.

********************************

In one of my video games (Persona 5), they taught me about Bouba and Kiki.

It’s when the name of a thing sounds like the way it’s shaped.  I learned this on my own in one of my autistic moments as a kid.  I did this with numbers and how each number had it’s own personality based on its shape and sound.  5’s were my favorite for some reason.

Anyway, if you look at the two images, the one on the left is Kiki.  It sounds sharp, has sharp angles.  Bouba sounds gelatinous like the image on the right.

My name, Melanie, is gelatinous.  It’s the sound my sleep coma’s would make, if they were to make a sound, it would sound like my name.  I can’t help thinking that if I had a different name, like Katie Couric, Crystal, Lisa, Susie, J.K Rowling – If I had a Kiki sounding type of name, maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess?  Maybe I wouldn’t be content sleeping 10 hours a day and lounging for the rest?

If only I had my electric bicycle now, and my ukulele, I can ride it somewhere and sit down to play in the park, or ride it to a friends house and we can sing together.

I have odd ambitions.

I’m going to take a shower and go rollerblading.  What a life, eh?

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, Uncategorized

What’s New This Week?

It’s May 23rd.  I haven’t posted anything in over a week.  I guess not much happened except to say my pool league and I will not be going to Vegas after all.

I can spin it into a long drawn out tail, but it doesn’t change the fact that we lost.  We lost by one measly point.  We were down to the wire, almost mid-night, I was up against a 5 or a 6 level player – I’m only a level 2.  Everyone from both teams stood still in silent anticipation as they watched my opponent and I duke it out.

I scored a point, and needed one more to win.  The rest of my team had shit luck so it all came down to me.  I was the last man on deck when usually I’m the first to shoot.

Truth is, I could’ve beaten him if I hadn’t drank so much but I was nervous as hell.  I kept him on the rails all night though, he took me seriously and brought his A game.  Everyone was getting so tired, our game lasted forever and everyone knew I had a fair shot at winning it.  We were all on edge.

So anyways, that happened.

Something else happened too.  We had such a good Mother’s Day turn out with selling gift certificates, so good in fact that I can buy an electric bicycle and ride it up to Bar Harbor Maine this year.  I can’t ride it across the whole goddamned country like I originally planned, but I can make it to Bar Harbor and back.  It’s 800 miles and will take me at least 17 days to complete.  800 miles there and back I mean.

While I was brushing over the possibility in my head, I went on Adventure cycling.com to check for any updates regarding their GPS technology.  Last time I checked, two years ago, there weren’t any straight forward GPS apps.  Just paper maps and zip files.

Serious bicycle tourists would spend upwards of $400 for a special waterproof GPS unit that can be strapped to their handlebars.  The cyclist can then download zip files of maps into that special GPS unit.  It sounds all very complicated and pricey to me.

But two years later and well….yeah, there’s an app for that.  Adventure cycling partnered with Google Maps and now we have turn-by-turn navigation.  It even shows you where all the campsites and bike shops are.  It’s incredible to say the least.

But the ebike I want costs $4000…….I can’t afford $4000.  I can’t go on this trip even with the easy nav app they got now.

I went online to check out the latest electric bicycles and found a really good one for a mere $2500.  The battery on the $2500 bike is even better than the one on the $4000 bike.  The bike is from Electric Bike Company who manufactures their bicycles in California.

My dream of riding a bicycle all the way to Bar Harbor became a little more possible after discovering this bike.  And with the new GPS app, making it nearly impossible to get lost…..well, it was the feather that pushed me over.

And that’s where I’m at right now.  I’m looking at the ebike and looking at my bank account.  It’ll be tight.  Very tight.  Especially with having to pay my lawyer another 5 grand any day now.  If I don’t do anything, if I don’t buy an ebike, I’ll not have to worry about money for a while but it’s like I purposely do this to myself.

I forgot when this plan all came together.  Having the money, finding a better, less expensive bike, the easy navigation app – it’s been at least a week.  And in this past week, I’ve been having trouble sleeping because I’m excited.  This always happens when I’m excited.  I can’t sleep.

During one of these sleepless nights, I found myself on YouTube watching solo campers camping in the rain.  It was so very peaceful to hear the pitter-patter of the rain on the tent and a guy relaxing inside talking into the camera and eating beef jerky or cooking his soup on his little oven.

One guy cooked up some lamb chops in the rain and savagely ate them as he chatted into his camera.  Talking about not much of anything.  And I loved seeing him cook his meal and listening to his idle chatter.

I bought myself an ultralight camp stove and frying pan.  So I can cook meat and savagely eat it in the outdoors too.

I also bought an ultralight tent.  It’s an MSR Hubba NX.  And I bought a Big Agnes ultralight air mattress.

Walking across Spain, twice now, can’t compare to anything like true camping.  The first time I went to Spain, I did it to be alone and to rough it, to toughen myself up.  The second time I went was to lose weight because I knew the “roughing it” and being alone part wasn’t going to happen.

But riding a bike to Maine will provide me with sufficient alone time plus the added bonus of being able to camp out.  It’s a trip that I truly want to take and I’ll get to do it in my own country!  Not that it’s any safer.  It’s less safe actually.  But there’s no airfare, jet lag, foreign languages…etc.

I just need to hop on over to that website and buy my bike.  I should do it right now.  But then the fear will set in.  The fear of not having enough.  I hate that fear more than anything.

Ugh, I can’t win.  I really can’t.  I just want some peace and quiet.

But if I get this bike, I can also ride it to work.  I’ll get to exercise a bit and god knows I need exercise.

I don’t know what to do.

Okay, I figured out what to do.  I’ll sell my old scooter first.  That’ll free up space in the shed and give me an extra $300.  Then I’ll start depositing the cash my business makes into my personal account.  Once I have $3000 in my personal account, I’ll buy the bike.  Right now I only have $150 in that account.  I rarely deposit cash.  People pay mostly with credit cards. It’ll take a while, but I have time and by doing it this way, I’ll not have to deal with that crazy-ass fear.  I hate the fear.

My trip will have to wait but at least now I have a solid plan that doesn’t involve me entering the fear.  It’s probably one of the top five fears to face in life, it’s my personal number one fear but I’m sure others experienced worse.

It’s odd that so much can happen in the span of one week and yet, nothing changes at the same time.  It’s like, all this is happening inside my head, you know?  It’s all mental.  And even with all these changes that happen mentally each week, I’m still the same person.  I’m still me but only with a different focal point.

It’s sad that I lost focus on my blog over the years.  I used to obsess over it.  It was Christmas everyday because of my blog.  But back then I didn’t have the fear like I do now.  It’s crippling.  It’s there looming in my peripherals.

I just want to get back to my old self.  I think that’s why I want to go on this trip.  To be away from everything that effects me negatively.  But to go on this trip would mean to feel the fear again – because of spending $2500 on an ebike.  I’m just going to have to suck it up and wait a bit.

Honestly, if I stop spending so much freaking money, I’ll have my ebike this time next month.

I normally would sell a few signature couples on Groupon for a LOT of expendable cash and put myself on the schedule to massage them but I can’t do that with the business in Bozrah.  It’s still not busy enough for Breanna to quit Massage Envy, so I’m needed there to take clients.

As of now we have 24 unredeemed vouchers and 18 redeemed vouchers.  We’re still in pre-launch.  Groupon has seriously effed up my plans.  I can’t leave for Bar Harbor now anyway, not with Groupon not selling our deals properly.

I’ll check in with you next week.  I’m curious to see what changes happen in the coming week.  It all comes down to the business in Bozrah.  That’s all I’m waiting on now.  It’s really all I’ve been waiting on since we opened.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

Like Night and Day

I experienced a profound amount of stress that I hadn’t felt in years last week.  And now?  A week later?  It’s the complete opposite.

I sent out a Mother’s day email last Tuesday, on the 7th, and today, the 11th, my bank account is back to where it needs to be.  I became so over-joyed by this that I finally bought a pair of Birkenstock sandals that I’ve wanted for the last decade.  And a new pair of pants and a new top from Nordstrom’s.  I love my new pants so much that I can wear them rollerblading, hiking, I can wear them to work and lounging around.  I love my new pants.  They are my summer 2018 everyday pants.

They come with a belt so when I start losing my baby fat again, I can cinch them up.  They’re so loose that they work for fat or skinny.

And my Rollerblades are ready.  After months of waiting, months of hassle, my rollerblades are finally ready.  You want to hear my Rollerblade story?  It’s pretty boring, but if you insist…

K2’s are my definitive choice in Rollerblades.  I ordered the best of the best K2 skate back in February where they got hung up on back-order.  To bide my time since the weather was starting to clear, I bought a pair of Rollerblade brand skates until the skates I actually wanted came in.  I did not like the Rollerblade brand skate.  I thought maybe if I switch out the wheels for something smaller, they would be okay but I looked on Amazon for the best wheels and saw that a $100 pair of K2 rollerblades were only $40 more than if I purchased only the wheels.  So I bought the $100 pair of K2 skates.  They suck by the way.

Then my ultimate skates arrived.  The ones I’ve been waiting all this time for.  They are wonderful, amazing, perfect.  Even with the large 90mm wheels, I feel confident and safe rolling around in them.  But they are fast.  I don’t need to go fast, I need resistance to lose weight, so I switched the 90mm wheels with the 80mm that came with the $100 pair of skates and now they are ready for action.

I haven’t tried them yet with the 80mm wheels.  I was going to ride them today before work but I had trouble falling to sleep last night so I’m pretty shot today.

Rollerblading has always been a joy for me.  It is my ticket to health, so I can’t fuck around with it.  I grew out of my last pair of K2’s, my left big toe started to push against the hard material as I glided.

Anyway, I have my new favorite pair of pants, sandals that will literally last me a decade, a magic pair of rollerblades, money in the bank, my new business on the brink of completion – just waiting for the onslaught of Groupon clients……as for my pool league, get this – Last week we all played so shitty.  It really affected me emotionally to lose like that.  But last Tuesday?  Something amazing happened.  All of us won!

Even after our hard loss last week, we are now only one point shy of first place.  This Tuesday coming up is play-off’s.  We’re pumped for it.  It’s actually pretty rare for teams to end up in Vegas.  They have to jump through a lot of hoops to get there.  But for us, it’s not only possible, but probable.

I was at the end of my audiobook last night.  That’s why I couldn’t sleep.  The book started getting good at the end and I couldn’t stop listening to it.  I need to stop listening to books like that before bed and stick with meditation or Eckhart Tolle, something along those lines.  Maybe listening to the bible would be next to impossible to stay awake.

I need to get up and get dressed.

I just can’t get over the contrast between last week and this week.  Last week I was stuck wearing my boots with the heel falling off because I didn’t own a pair of sandals and hated putting on my one pair of jeans that still fit because the hole in the knee became so large that I needed to pin it closed with a safety pin.  Last Tuesday playing pool, I had to play barefoot in my hobo jeans as I slugged down beer after beer.  But I still won – we still won.

Little changes make for the biggest impact.  What a difference a new pair of pants and a decent pair of sandals make.

My next mission will be to clean my room.  The problem with that is, I have nowhere to put anything.  My Dad taught me how to throw shit away, I have no qualms about that, but I don’t throw things away if I love or need them.  A lot of it is paperwork for the businesses, borrowed books I never read, facial supplies when we offered facials at work, it’s tough being constricted to only one room with having 38 years of stuff.  I should actually have more stuff.  Where the hell does all my money go anyway?

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

I want to fast forward 6 months

Instead of writing a post last Monday, I went to see The Avengers Infinity Wars movie and then I played free pool at the closest dive bar near my new business in Bozrah.

I had about 5 hours to kill.

I interviewed Breanna, a young cute blonde girl, who I decided right away that no, I’ll hire the older, more experienced woman instead.

By the time I texted the other woman, she already found another job.

Damn.

So now I’m stuck with this young dumb blonde.  She sounded dumb, the way she talks, like a high school kid, but she was on point with her questions.  She worked at a few shitty places before finding me, so she knew what to ask.

I’m too broke to keep my Indeed ad running.  I already spent $171 dollars on it.

So, Breanna it is.

I haven’t experienced this amount of stress in about two years.  I’ve spent so much money these past few months that my bank account is in the red zone and not only that, but my new business has got my guts all twisted up.

My new business is so new, that we have no reviews yet.  The first review is paramount.  And Dawn, my new therapist yesterday, accidentally charged a client $181 when it was supposed to be $18.

Fuck.

I have my entire life riding on this new business and the first review is critical.  So critical that it can either make or break me.

I had my pool league yesterday.  It was the first time I felt the weight of stress and had it effect my pool game.  But I at least scored a point.  It was actually a good thing that I didn’t win since I’m trying to stay a 2.

But then my buddy Chris wanted to play me and so I left the area where my team was playing to go play Chris.

I swear to god, I know this sounds ridiculous, but the moment I said Yes, I’ll play you, I had a sinking feeling that my team would tank without me there cheering them on.  I just knew it.  And sure enough, they tanked.

We were one point away from first place and now….now….I want to cry.  I think it’s all my fault.

But I couldn’t turn down Chris.  His mother is home dying of cancer, recently diagnosed.  His heart is broken.

I drank so much last night.  I drank a lot and woke up at 6AM today for some god-awful reason.

I’m going to eat some eggs and go back to sleep.  I told Mo I’d meet her out at 3:45 today for some $2 miller lights.

Here’s a break-down of my finances….

I have $1783 in my main bank account right now.  Yesterday I had $7000 – you see how it jumps?  You see why I freak out like I do?

Okay, so $1783 (which is the lowest it’s been in a VERY long time), and then I’ll get $4710 from my member clients which brings me back up to $6493 and I should be getting a groupon check on the fifth for at least $2000, which will take me up to $8493 ($14,000 is my uber happy zone).  And then I wait and pray we have a few strong weeks ahead of us.  My independent contractors still need to cash their checks which will take me down to $7493, and rent for the new place will leave me with $7000.  If I can make $2000 in the next two weeks, I’ll get by.  Albeit, just barely.

I’d be getting by just fine if I didn’t spend a shit-ton of $$ these past few months.  I have to remember that this is temporary.  I sold a bunch of groupons to help make up for it, and I’m glad for that check coming on the fifth or I’d be seriously fucked.

It’s just that I wouldn’t be so worried if I didn’t have to pay my lawyer another $5,000 soon.  I’m freaking out about it because it couldn’t have happened at a worse time than now.

Plus Dawn’s mistake with charging that guy so much money by accident…..It’s a lot for me to handle right now.  It’s the first real stress I felt since moving my business to its new location 2 years ago.

Anyway, I feel a lot better now after writing about it.  It’s good to write out all of my problems, it’s like making a To Do list.  I sweep away all the confusion and see what’s really happening.  Like pouring glitter on a sheet of paper where there are words written in glue.  Once you dump all the excess glitter off, you’re left with a clearer understanding of the situation.

That’s what my blog does for me anyway.  I wish I had no problems to write about though.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, rant, work

Life is Like a Box of Chocolate Analogies

Life is like skydiving.  When you first jump out of the plane, everything is spinning and confusing but the guy strapped to your back steadies the both of you.  His life is dependent on how well he can protect your own.

After a while, everything becomes clear.  You steady yourself.  You think you have it all figured out.  Time freezes for a while and it feels like you’ll never land or grow old.  You no longer need the guy strapped to your back.  You wish you can enjoy this time independently, enjoying the full experience of this wonderful freedom.

But then the ground steadily approaches.  You are once again happy that you have a man strapped to your back.

He yanks the ripcord to open the parachute.

This latter half of the jump can be serene and pretty, there’s no more rush or worry if the chute may or may not open.  It’s opened and you can relax.  This is where you’re able to truly take it all in, to catch your breath and count your blessings.  Time is no longer frozen, you are no longer suspended in mid-air.  Time runs differently in a way only someone with appreciation can understand.

You can sip your lemonade on the dock of the bay.  Mixed with whiskey and rye.  No rush, no more worry.

It seems that the age of 40 is the appropriate time to pull the chute.  When you can literally see and feel the ground approaching more rapidly than before.  40 is the age for everyone to pull their chutes, but they either can’t or they won’t.  For some it may mean giving up on that brief glimpse of exhilarating freedom they experienced years before.  For others, it’s circumstance.  Whether it be loss of a job or loss of the man strapped to their back.

These days, mostly everybody is still in free-fall.  And the closer the ground approaches, they feel like time is running out.  This is why older people are technologically disadvantaged – they don’t have time for such “nonsense”.  There’s no time, no time for anything.  Time is only for those still frozen high up in mid-fall, and not for those who must work even harder now that they’re not young anymore.

I’ve been unknowingly searching for the ripcord to my parachute since opening up my second business.  Not to be confused with my third business, the one that I’m working on now, but my second.  Surprisingly enough, I was still in the frozen free-fall when I opened up my first business.  I was completely oblivious.

But now I see it.  I can see the necessary chapters in life that we all must write.  Steps that we must unavoidably take in order to prolong our longevity and deepen our experiences.

For me personally, freedom is by far the most precious facet of our time spent.  It’s not time itself – time can be spent in agony, suffering, isolated and alone, but freedom?  I’ll take a short life of freedom over a long life spent in torment.

And I am free.  Well, almost.  Pulling that ripcord for me personally, isn’t about finding a steady job, or settling down with a sturdy providing husband, no.  It’s about finding my financial freedom – a freedom that doesn’t exchange time for money.  A type of freedom that places me above the airplane that I unceremoniously ejected out of.  It’s like being granted a second life.  A life where I’m my own guy strapped to my back.  Not only am I my own guy, but I’m my own parachute.  I’m the ground approaching, I’m the sky and the wind in-between.  I take on all roles, embodying everything.

Because, well, why not?  Why can’t I?  Who’s to stop me or tell me no, it can’t be done?

Anyway, what the hell else am I going to do with myself?  This life is magically long enough to manually change its trajectory at any age.

To each his own, right?  And all I want is money.  That’s all I want.  Simple people like simple things.

Ayahuasca, Eckhart Tolle, pretty much ALL the guru’s that ever existed, all of them told me to let go of all desire, only then I’ll obtain everything.  But ayahuasca also  told me that we desire things because we fear our life will not be enough without them – we seek happiness to obliterate this fear, aka, void.  There is an emptiness we must fill, and that is why we desire.

Another way of looking at this catch-22, is to focus our attention on the fear itself governing the desire.  Forget about the desire for a moment, and look at the fear.  What are you most afraid of?  Never amounting to anything, not being respected, always someone’s lapdog, living in poverty…etc.  Sure, those are all well and good fears but why should you be afraid of something when you have the power to change things?

You know what I think everyone’s greatest fear is?  The fear of failure.  Plain and simple.  I’d go deeper into explaining why I think it’s the fear of failure, but that’s a bit off subject.  Maybe I’ll circle back to it.  It’s pretty important.

Weird, my right ear just started ringing.  I was listening to the background noise of my family upstairs and all of a sudden everything went quiet and there was a ringing in my right ear.  Hold on, gotta google that shit.

Okay, it stopped.  Lasted about 7 seconds.  It’s good luck that it was my right ear and not my left.

Okay, so anyway….where was I?

Oh right, the fear of failure.  To me, the fear of failure trumps all other fears because if you were truly fearful of losing your job, you’ll take appropriate action to remedy it.

Quit and find a different job.  “Screw it” is always my sloppy non-thought-out advice I offer to everyone.

But people don’t change their current situation most likely because they are pussy’s.  They’re scared of falling all the way into the void.  Not just a little bit into the void, but all the way in it.  At least this way, by not changing anything, they have some semblance of control in the matter by not taking control of the matter.

Doesn’t make sense to you?  Neither to me but this is what people do.  I don’t get it either.

But what if you set yourself up to make failure an impossibility?  Failing is IMPOSSIBLE.  Desires don’t mean fiddly-squat anymore.  You no longer “desire” anything and instead, you make choices.

Desire is like hope.  They don’t mean shit.  They are nothing and are worth nothing.  But choice?  There’s power in choice.  And once you find your choice, that’s when to pop your chute.  Hopefully in a place above the clouds.  So we can be neighbors.

To circle back to our greatest fear, the fear of failure, that pretty much encompasses ALL fears, you know?  It’s like the receptacle you dump all your other fears into.  It can hold all of them.

I’m trying to think of a way to tie claustrophobia in with the fear of failure….hold on…wait for it….wait for it……Fear of failure to being let out?  Bingo.

I learned in psych class that technically most people rank public speaking as their number 1 all-time fear.  Why?  Because the fear of PUBLIC failure.  Not just quiet unspoken failure, but a boisterous in-your-face unmistakable FAIL that’s been witnessed by many.

Suckily enough, people’s opinions effect you whether you want them to or not.  It’s harder to live down a fail the more people who coagulate towards a certain belief about you.

Anyway, I should get going to sleep.  I’m beat.  I’ll most likely write a shit-ton on Monday.  I’ll catch you up on my life on Monday.

Later nerds

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts