The Shroud of Fear

I made my last two posts about GF private in the off chance she gets a hold of my blog.  I can’t afford the risk.  So now, all my posts about her are set to private.

We’re putting all sex stuff aside for now, which changes our whole dynamic.  We hung out yesterday for the first time since she agreed to the no sex rule full-heartedly and we became even closer friends.

We went to the Art Space in Hartford for cocktail hour and talked for a while.  That’s all we did, talk.  We talked without mentioning sex or anything and I feel that it opened up a new, even better dialog.  I hadn’t felt that much at ease around her since I taken her to my family’s cottage in Rhode Island before we started dating.

I feel like I never connected with any of the guys I dated because they were so focused on the sex part, we never became close friends.  There was always something lacking.  There was hardly any deep conversations, getting to know one another, listening to each other – there was none of that and I was afraid that would happen to GF and I if we didn’t cool it.

Last night was perfect.  We were perfect best friends together.  All the trimmings and trappings of a true connection.

As a business woman, I’m starting to think up idea’s of how much more powerful and lucrative this life can be with not just me rowing the boat, but having a partner.  A business partner I can actually trust.  We can accomplish so much more together as a duo than I ever can achieve as solo player.  New idea’s are opening up to me.

All I ever wanted in life is freedom.  True unadulterated freedom.  And in the world we live in, freedom, to me, is money.  I believe it’s money for everyone if they dig deep enough.  And being a solo player for so long, it can only take you so far.

I want money and lots of it for the sole purpose of traveling the world and having the most precious, amazing experiences and using those experiences to live by example.  I can live by example by writing a book about it.

Anyway, I feel that she was literally made for me.  It sounds nuts, and I don’t believe in that crap, but I can’t help feeling it.  How can she be so perfect?  So utterly perfect?  We share the same values, have the same morals and philosophies, we enjoy the same activities, want the same things – for the most part.  And nobody, and I mean absolutely NOBODY has ever loved me as much as she loves me.

It’s so hard for somebody like me, a loner, a hermit, a cynic, to be swept away by a person – I never thought in my wildest dreams it was possible.

Unfortunately for me, I don’t completely trust it.  When something is too good to be true…you know how it goes, it usually is.

And when anyone doesn’t trust something, they get crazy.  They lose their confidence.  I already witnessed this happening to GF, but I have to remain confident and steady.  That’s all it is, confidence.  As long as I keep it, I won’t get crazy.  And I have to keep lifting the shroud of fear from GF’s eyes, so she can see clearly again and again for as many times it takes for that trust to be there.

The shroud of fear clouded her head due to the no sex rule.  But we’re good now.  I told her it will probably happen again next week, and I’ll be able to lift the veil again when it does.

I’m taking her to see the Haunted Graveyard at Lake Compound tonight.  Another awesome day.

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