It’s Saturday. I haven’t worked since Wednesday. Sleep coma’s are becoming an even bigger problem than usual.
It’s just that I don’t have any reason to get out of bed. I’m a homebody by nature, content wherever I am. 10 hours of sleep each night is nothing unusual for me.
I feel like I can out-sleep anyone. Anyone except Hana. Her habits were surprisingly worse than mine with staying up later than me, eating more than me, spending hoards of cash, being more impulsive. All of my worst habits, she has them tenfold. And trust me, I can be pretty bad.
My problem is that I don’t have anything to look forward to. Sure I have my friends, I go places and have fun, but what I’m missing is more than just run-of-the-mill shenanigans. I need a project to work on. Something that makes me excited to get up everyday.
My Bozrah project got me excited, it got me up in the morning, gave me reason – but stupid Groupon isn’t selling our deals like expected. So now it’s just another worry, another liability.
What am I missing in life? I’ve always been like this, as far back as I can remember. I’m lacking a reason to get up. I lack an obsession.
Beer used to be my motivator. “If I go here, I can have a beer.” “If I have tomorrow off, I can get away with drinking tonight.” “Let’s call so and so and grab a drink somewhere.”
Beer has been my number one motivator, my number one reason for getting out of bed each day – for as long as 15 years it’s been my only reason. But I haven’t been working much, so my number one reason for waking up each day is becoming my worst nightmare. It’s like if you want your kid to stop smoking, you make him smoke an entire pack – It’s like that with me, with beer.
But I do love it. Even just one bottle of beer makes me feel wonderful – just one freaking bottle is all I need.
Adonis, my employee, the one who wanted to speak to me last Wednesday, asked me if he can be business partners with me 50/50. And because I was drinking beer, I remained nice and calm and didn’t show my rage.
I was expecting him to quit and I was okay with him quitting actually. I started planning my next move and looking forward to the possibilities.
I told him I’d think about it even though I wanted to shout out “hell no!” Instead, I let it fester for one night and had horrible nightmares because of it. Nightmares of people moving in – literally moving into my business.
When I woke up the next day from my sleep coma, he texted me saying he’d like to discuss it again with me and I replied with a simple, “It’s not going to happen, sorry.”
I could’ve given him a long list of reasons as to why it’s a ludicrous idea, but it wasn’t worth it to me to get all riled up again. I didn’t give any explanation, just a flat no.
It’s Saturday, yet another day off. I can pick up the phone and call someone, but like I said earlier, I need more excitement than the same old shit I’ve been doing all my life. I don’t have any ambition for calling anyone up. And my greatest motivator, beer, is losing its magic.
I keep thinking “what if I had my electric bicycle? Would that motivate me to get out of bed?”
Maybe, but I love having money in the bank. I feel safe and good with money in the bank. If I buy the bike now, that lovely feeling will be gone.
It’s now Monday. I’ve been doing fiddly squat for days on end. Well, I did manage to clean my room, make a new improved debt chart ($9,000 in debt), and yesterday I ventured out to buy two things I’ve been craving – kimchi and french onion soup. And then I bought a smart ukulele on Amazon for $159 out of boredom. I went on Amazon just to look around, like taking a stroll downtown to window shop, and within 5 minutes of my “window shopping”, I bought a ukulele.
If I want something that costs less than $200, I buy it without much hesitation. I want it and I simply buy it. The fret board lights up to tell you where to put your fingers, and they have games to play. It’s like Guitar Hero but with actual learning a real instrument. I’m pretty damn excited about it.
In one of my video games (Persona 5), they taught me about Bouba and Kiki.
It’s when the name of a thing sounds like the way it’s shaped. I learned this on my own in one of my autistic moments as a kid. I did this with numbers and how each number had it’s own personality based on its shape and sound. 5’s were my favorite for some reason.
Anyway, if you look at the two images, the one on the left is Kiki. It sounds sharp, has sharp angles. Bouba sounds gelatinous like the image on the right.
My name, Melanie, is gelatinous. It’s the sound my sleep coma’s would make, if they were to make a sound, it would sound like my name. I can’t help thinking that if I had a different name, like Katie Couric, Crystal, Lisa, Susie, J.K Rowling – If I had a Kiki sounding type of name, maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess? Maybe I wouldn’t be content sleeping 10 hours a day and lounging for the rest?
If only I had my electric bicycle now, and my ukulele, I can ride it somewhere and sit down to play in the park, or ride it to a friends house and we can sing together.
I have odd ambitions.
I’m going to take a shower and go rollerblading. What a life, eh?