Monthly Archives: March 2018

You want to know the sad truth? I’ll tell you the sad truth

Okay, It’s not that sad.  I didn’t lose any limbs or anything like that.

I got sucked into YouTube last night and listened to a young girl who lost both her arms and legs from bacterial meningitis.  My problem is not that bad.  Then I got stuck on watching a baby born in India with two faces – again, my problem is not as bad as two-face baby.

Fuck….how the hell do I compare to that?  Seriously?  I’m fucking retarded.  I’m sorry for the politically incorrect terminology, but I was born in the 1980’s to white Italian/German/Russian catholics who think everybody outside their family is either gay or retarded.  It’s true.  It fucked me up a bit.

So anyway….

I don’t think you’re retarded or gay…not anymore.  And even if you are, I don’t care.  Honestly.  I’m above the experiences that shaped me in my past.

Today was the start of a new Mel.  I was going to buckle down and start uncontrollably shitting out my new business plan.  Setting it out in action.  Doing this takes a great deal of determinism and confidence.

My new me not only relates to business stuff, but I was also going to start a new diet consisting of no beer or red meat.

My biggest problem, no, my biggest OBSTACLE, I whittled it down to it being alcohol and going to bed late.  These are the two biggest factors stopping me from accomplishing my dreams of being rich and having a hot bod.

I only drink when I go out.  When I’m around friends.  It helps me in the process of feeling wonderful.  And I only drink beer.  So I figure if I eliminate beer, I eliminate all obstacles, right?

Well, I eliminated beer last night and found an office to rent for my new business.  I also found 3 applicants, I ordered my iPad and decided to go with the Square scheduling system…all of which took a lot of time to decide – sober time.  And while I was so high on life and figuring this shit out, I also realized what a shit diet I had.  It was so shitty that I needed to figure out a plan that didn’t put me in an early grave where I’d need to be airlifted through the roof by a crane if I died.

Oh yes.  Yesterday was one of those days of clarity.  I knew exactly what needed to be done based on my personality type.  I know myself enough to know what I can handle.

And I’m right!  Beer and going to bed late – I swear to gawd, those are obstacles.

Hear me out for a second….

I haven’t written in a while.  Actually, that’s not true.  I’ve written, but they’re crappy posts that I saved as drafts.  All of them are about how hungover, drunk, and fat I feel – all shit I don’t feel like ever reading again.

It’s these saved drafts – the posts that are crap – that gave me clarity for that one night.  Last night.

Here’s what I learned last night:

Fist of all, it’s not all my fault.

I was working a lot at work.  I had a shit ton of signature couples massages that I had to deal with, I couldn’t do anything until they got taken care of.  Then my broken dryer fiasco happened.  I legitimately couldn’t do shit during this time.

Another thing to consider is that I have more friends now than I ever did in my entire life!

I’m a one friend kind of person.  I usually have one really good friend who connects me to everyone else.  I can’t deal with juggling, don’t want to, never wanted to.  But when that one friend starts hating me, then everyone starts hating me, well – I’m shit out of friends.

That actually happened to me in 2013.  I was completely friendless.  So I made new friends.  But now, all the people who hated me are now talking to me again plus I have all the new friends on top of the old friends and not only that, but my stupid pool league has given me even more friends, which, honest to god I didn’t even want.  Long story short, I put my iPhone down for a couple hours today and I had 21 missed texts from multiple sources.  It would’ve been more if I didn’t respond when I did.

Now keep in mind I’m a ONE friend sort of person.  It’s the reason why needy people love me so much.  I gravitate to the one person who needs me the most, and forget the rest.  And that one person, sad but true, keeps me from getting shit done.

I’ve been eking my way back into my 20’s.  The best years, right?  Wrong.  They were fun as hell, but I was a complete bum.

My late 30’s are looking like my early 20’s.  Who would’ve guessed?

So I vowed not to hang out with anyone until I get this new business up and running.

But then my neighbor texted me.  I haven’t seen her in months!  I go over, drink a bunch of martini’s and my one day of clarity comes to a close.  That’s it.  It’s already 1:40AM and tomorrow I have 5 clients, I’ll be dead tired when I get home.  Melanie’s end of productivity.

But when my friends stopped speaking to me in 2013, I got shit done.  I opened up my first business.  I started traveling.  I hate to say it, but friends can hold you back.  It’s like you become content, preoccupied, distracted, what-have-you.

They become an addiction.  You start to base your worth and value from their perceptions of you and it becomes a game.  “Who’s more popular this week?  Who has the most likes?”

Whoever has the most likes has the most influence and whoever has the most influence, has the most power.  It’s literally social media before social media existed.

Anyway…..I hate all that shit.  Fuck that shit, you know?

But I want to tell you about my new diet.

My new diet consists of no beer.  I can’t have a little beer because I don’t work that way – it has to be no beer at all.  I can never have just one.

And for the rest, I eat only my absolute favorite foods.  Luckily enough, I crave only healthy shit.

  1.  Anise  – It’s a very meaty cabbage/lettuce family vegetable.  I can’t get enough of it.  Topped with arugula and some kind of nut.  Accompanied with blueberry and raspberries.
  2.  The only two cheeses I’m allowing myself to eat are fresh buffalo mozzarella and goat cheese.
  3. A side of hummus for protein
  4. beets
  5. Lentils or quinoa if I feel like cooking something substantial and I have the time to do it
  6. On days when I’m famished, I can get chirashi sushi from Toro, cac mon bun from Pho & Spice, or teriyaki salmon lunch box from Yougu.
  7. mango’s, avacodo’s

I can live off this stuff.  I love it that much.

Shit, I’m so tired.  I gotta sleep.  This will end up being another draft I never post….fuck it, I’m posting it.

 

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2017 Taxes

I’m finally getting my taxes done.  FINALLY.

Ugh, I’m in such a pissy mood.  I’m at Main Street Cafe and two guys are sitting next to me with their phones out and I swear to god it looks like they’re taking pictures of me.  One of them has his flash pointing directly into my eyeball.

I’m so fucking pissed.  I have a miserable scowl on my face.  Why anyone would want to take my picture is beyond me, unless it’s for a miserable face meme.

Some guy ordered a raspberry chai latte with almond milk.  That’s like the barista asking “How much gay would you like in your coffee?”

Man – “I’m going all gay today, thanks.”

Barista – “So we’re talking fruit flavors with lots of almond milk and instead of coffee you’d prefer a mixture of floral spices?”

Man – “Yes, I’ll have that.”  He dismisses the barista with a wave of his hand.  His reading glasses rest above his eyebrows on his forehead.

I can’t make this shit up.

Wow I’m an asshole today.  But that just made me LOL.  Thanks for that friend.

I’m at the coffee shop to do my taxes.  I swear there’s no other way.  It’s next to impossible to do it at home – I can’t tell you how hard it is, just take my word for it.

This post is for next year, so I can speedily do my taxes in one fell swoop.

For future Melanie, 2019 Melanie, the BEST WAY TO DO TAXES:

  1. Go to a coffee shop.  Bring your laptop, a notebook, and your checkbook.
  2. Add up all your checks.
  3. Check all debits in your Wells Fargo checking account.  Add them up.
  4. Add up Amazon orders.  Write down the amount spent each month.
  5. Check all debits in your Bank of America Account.  Write down all non-amazon, non-check debits and add them up.
  6. Go through all paper receipts.  Write them down and add them up.
  7. Log in to Turbo Tax

I’m still on number 5.  I just need to tally the numbers.

At this rate, I think I’ll be done filing my taxes by tomorrow.  And then…..freedom.  Sweet sweet freedom.

I’ve been having so much stress lately.  I’m mostly worried about money of course.  It’s always about money.  But besides money, I’ve been worried about filing taxes, getting the dryer fixed, getting through all these groupon couples massages, the lawsuit, and lastly, opening up business number 2.

All of this puts me in a super pissy mood.  I don’t want to do shit.  I shouldn’t be around people, honestly.

The dryer is fixed, but the vent still needs to be cleaned.  I’m waiting to hear back from the duct doctors.

Anyway, I should head back home.  I’ll add up all my paper receipts and tomorrow I’ll go to Cheshire Coffee to input all the numbers into Turbo Tax.  It’s actually not hard or time consuming, I’m just scared to see how much money I owe.  I’m always scared.

I had to be in work at 9:15 today for a client.  I shouldn’t complain about that since it got me out of bed and to the coffee house to do my taxes.  If I didn’t have a client, or if I had a later client, I would literally do nothing all day.  I’d sleep, eat, nap, watch Jessica Jones on Netflix, play Elder Scrolls online.  I hadn’t had a day like that in a very long time.  Today would’ve been one of those days for sure.

I massaged my client at 9:15, was done at 10:15, returned voicemails, went to the bank for change and here I am.  It’s 3:50, I been here since 11.  Damn!  Okay, I’m going.  I guess taxes are time consuming.

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My Last 3 Days

Today is Wednesday.  On Monday, I had insomnia.  I had insomnia by drinking one small bottle of Starbucks mocha latte, an impulse buy from Stop & Shop.

When I have insomnia, my mind goes into hyperdrive.

I thought of a new science fiction story about a young man who starts hearing voices.  The voice tells him that it’s himself, from the future.  His future self found a way to have consistent lucid dreams and through his lucid dreaming, he’s able to go out of body and into new dimensions of spacetime.  He can travel back in time but only as a voice in the head of his younger self.

I’m picturing Chris Pratt for this character.  A stupid, lovable Chris Pratt.  His future self is also stupid and all he wants to do is save the world, but he doesn’t know how.  They befriend a psychologist who treated Chris once he started hearing voices.  He thought he was going crazy so he went to see a psychologist.  It was the psychologist who convinced Pratt that he isn’t crazy, and together they team up to find ways he can use his gift to better the world.

I thought about this for 6 or 7 hours.  Completely immersed in my new fantasy.

It’s such a weird thing, insomnia.  I normally get sleepy around mid-night and fall asleep with no problem.  It’s like hitting a switch.  But with insomnia, I’m tired but not enough to hit the switch and when I want to hit the switch, I can’t find it.

Yesterday I had to brave the winter storm by going to work to let the Maytag man in to fix the dryer.  He told me what I already knew.  That the dryer was overheating due to our ostensibly long exhaust pipe.  I’ll either need to vent the dryer inside the room itself, or get an inline blower for $150 bucks.  But even with the blower, it might not be good enough.  I’m going to try venting inside the room, but there are also disadvantages to that such as needing a dehumidifier and constant filter changes.  And the heat will be stifling.

After that, I went to shoot pool in my league.  Because of the storm, we were short players.  Due to this fact, I had to be the sacrifice that night.  Being pit against a 6 while I’m a mere 2.  I was a 2 who’s gotten no sleep!  I said that I’d rather not play, and to play our 7 against the 6 instead, but our 7 didn’t want to play either.

I ended up getting crushed, but two of my buddies were there and we ended up playing each other after our matches.  All of us lost last night and we cheered each other up.

The problem with exhaustion is, at some point, adrenaline kicks on.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Exhaustion can in fact, end up keeping you awake!  I tried focusing on my audiobook to tune myself down.  I wanted so badly to write last night.  My mind was on fire with so many questions and idea’s.

I can’t remember what time I fell asleep.  No later than 2AM, but guess what time I woke up today?  2PM!  And I woke up exhausted.  I slept the whole way through.

My audiobook does a great job in putting me to sleep but it also ceases my ability to dream.  Dreaming is one of the most fantastic things I’m great at.  With dreams, I get to learn from my mistakes.  It subconsciously repairs my brain to become in sync with my desires.  Like with wanting to play better pool, dreaming about pool can make me a better shot.

There’s actual studies about this.  I won’t get better at pool unless I play it so much that I dream about it.  It’s the dreams that make us brilliant.

I have so many stupid ambitions and infatuations.

All I want to do today is play my game and hide from the world.  I don’t want to think about anything or talk to anyone.  But I have a client at 6:30.

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Get the fucking ball in the hole

My first APA game, I went up against a lovable old man.  I didn’t want to beat him.  I thought I’d “go easy on him”.  But in the end, he ended up beating me and I learned a valuable lesson.

Tuesday I was up against another adorable old man, Wally.  He had an oxygen tank and everything.

Me thinking – “Not this time old timer, not this time.”

I beat him.  He’s actually a decent shot too.

Every opponent I’m up against, I take seriously.  I take each shot seriously.  I’m training my mind to “get in the zone” for each ball I go for.

Tuesday I arrived an hour early for my match and left at 2AM – way after it was over.  I played a man named Dave for a couple hours after the match and towards the end of the night, I started beating him at every game.  I was getting better with each game we played.

I drank a lot of beer, but it didn’t seem to effect me.  I know that sounds like crap, but beer has no effect on my pool skills what-so-ever.  As long as I keep my focus in check (which takes a little more effort when inebriated).

The only thing that effects my game is my level of confidence and applying everything that I’ve learned.

But the best thing that helps me sink my shots is in telling myself, “Just get the fucking ball in the hole.”

It’s like I wipe the slate clean.  I don’t think about anything that I learned, and instead I focus on getting the ball in the pocket.  But at the same time, I’m aware of my body mechanics and knowing the precise place to hit the ball because I learned how from past experience – it’s all there, just subconsciously there.  I forget it all and focus on the main goal – to get the ball in the pocket.

I don’t know how or why this works, but it works.  I want to write about it so I don’t forget it – that’s how important it is.

Get the fucking ball in the pocket, Melanie.

My favorite part of the night was arriving early for my match.  When nobody else was there yet.  I popped in my wireless headphones and tried making the same shot over and over again.  The exact same shot, just over and over and over – whether or not I make it in.

Everyone else, they like to practice by shooting the balls wherever they lay, but not me.  Same shot.  Over and over.

And then I find myself with that exact same shot during a match and I think to myself, “just like practice Melanie, Just like practice.”  And I make it in.

I actually have fun when I take the same shot repeatedly.  I don’t get bored with it.  I get confused, curious, proud, all in that order.

I love pool.  I have trouble understanding why not everyone enjoys it.

 

 

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I’d Never Make it As A Bug

Science, to me, is spiritual.  It’s philosophical.  It’s some crazy shit is what it is.

Think about it.

Let’s look at earth for what it really is.  I mean really look at it.  The lush tree’s that feel like fluffy broccoli from above, the lizard that guards his rock, the person that guards his wallet, the kangaroo with her kid in her sack.

The day us humanoids realize we’re nothing special, will be the same day we realize we’re All One.

We are All One.  Just like the hippies say.  Just like Buddha says.  Just like anyone who’s ever done any hard trippy hallucinogen will tell you.

This is why most vegans are hippies and also why when you think of a hippie, you picture them saying things like “Far out”, “That’s some crazy shit, man.”  And being completely agreeable with most things you tell them.

Hippies don’t give a fuck.  They get it.

But scientists get it too.  The real scientists get it.

There are fake hippies and fake scientists, but I know the difference.  The real guys are in constant amazement.  Hippies and scientists watch nature documentaries with the same level of astonishment.  They both stare into a beehive and say “Whoa” like Keanu.  They lose themselves by staring at a fern in wonderment and meditating that it’s entirely built out of geometry.

The real scientists and the real hippies know that we are in fact, just another species among trillions.  And since most people can’t see this, we become a plague on the environment.  We think we have rights and that we’re special.  We’re entitled to everything.

The one thing scientists have that hippies don’t, are cohesive solutions.  Hippies deprive themselves of water by conservation, they starve themselves because they don’t want to kill.  But scientists think up ways to have their cake and eat it too.  Scientists see that we all have a choice and there is always an answer, a way, a solution for both.

This is where hippies fall short.  They resign themselves to blending in and leaving no carbon footprint.  They don’t even want to have a cake, they don’t want to have anything.  To them, wanting is part of the problem.

But it’s the scientists who got it right.  Ayahuasca told me that science is a big part in our spiritual evolution.  It’ll show us that anything can be obtainable and in doing so, our belief in ourselves will grow exponentially.

Belief in one’s own self acts as the curator for growth.  It guards our journey.

There must be a balance between entitlement and respect.  Don’t take without replacing kind of thing.  And right now with our current mind-set, we believe money is the replacement for what we take/consume.  But money is just paper!  It literally consumes tree’s!

Money is a form of energy and energy is power.  All day we exchange power back and forth with each other.

Time is also money, also power, so we buy peoples time with money and call it even.

But all of us have a time limit.  That’s partly what makes it so precious.

I have an idea!!

If I ruled the world, I’d make a bio-dome type of place.  A self-sustaining facility to house the greatest minds on earth.  Everything they’ll ever need will be made to order and supplied to them in the self-sustaining facility/factory.  They won’t get paid (because that’s too much strain on the taxpayers), but they get to spend all day dreaming up solutions to our problems and doing what they love.

People who love robotics will be in charge of janitorial duties.  Eventually, given enough time, the janitors will build a robot specifically designed for each janitorial duty.

The bioengineers will be in charge of farming.  Given enough time, they’ll also make their jobs easier by growing massive fruits and vegetables that will eventually end starvation.

Chemists will be in charge of water filtration, ending water-born illness in third world countries thereby lengthening life expectancy.

Doctors will still be doctors but they will work side by side with pharmacologists, biologists, chemists and whoever else might take an interest.

Lawyers will be the police, eliminating the middleman and talking sense into criminals (if there are any).

And these brilliant minds don’t have to stay with one profession, they can bounce around looking for answers elsewhere.

Physicists will work with programmers in developing a quantum computer.  The quantum computer can then be hooked up to a patient to find their disease, or a DNA defect that might lead to a disease.

They’ll all have families, have children.  Their children will be homeschooled, taught in the field of their parents profession until they get old enough to apprentice in a field of their choosing.

Ah, to dream…..

I wouldn’t be able to live in my own fantasy bio-dome community unless I actually liked giving massages.  My only real chance of being let in would be if I agree to write in their newspaper and brew beer.  Those are the only things I’d be good at.  Other than my love of capitalism, it’s writing and beer that I do for free.

Writing in the paper would be perfect because I get to connect everything and everyone.  I’d get to learn a little about everything.

Me and my stupid fantasies…..

Anyway, the whole reason why I started this post was to tell you that what if all species on earth have the same exact intelligence, but an intelligence for different things?

Take an ant for example….what if an ant can take a bite out of dirt and automatically know the origin of the universe?  He’d never be able to communicate it to us lowly humans though.

What if ants already have their own bio-dome of brilliants minds?  And it was built so long ago that now all they know are bio-domes?  Underground tunnels and networks that connect all major branches of universal studies?

And then us idiot humans stroll by and pour liquid metal down their gullets to create “art”.

And the ants be like:

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The Last 3 Days

I had a nice evening planned last Friday.  One where I’d be able to unite one friend group with another, forming a new bridge of connections and loveliness.  But then Adonis called in sick and I had to take his clients.  Then he called out yesterday, forcing me to contend with 8 clients all booked with me.  And today, Sunday, I massaged for 3.5 hours and then dried sheets until 11 at night and then brought them back to work so I don’t have to do it tomorrow morning.  Why?  The damn dryer broke.

I didn’t actually massage all 8 people.  Leah, one of my employee’s, told me she’d take my last two.  I love Leah but I don’t want to get into how much I love Leah.  Just know that I do.  I fucking love Leah.

I’m so tired.  I just finished off a bottle of sake that I found in the fridge from weeks ago when I went to Sushi House with my cousin.  And I taken one melatonin and half of a Kirkland sleeping pill – the smallest (and cheapest) little crumb of a pill – it knocks me out every time.  How the hell does a pill do that?  It’s about the size of my pupil – smaller than the mole on my clients shaved head.

I massaged a guy last Saturday with the last name Gotta.  He had a mole on his shaved head and all I thought about as I massaged him was, “How does he not slice that sucker off when he shaves his head?  Does he have to go around it each time?  Has he ever nicked it and had it bleed everywhere?  Gotta lance that buddy.”

When it was time for  him to flip over, I wanted so badly to say, “Gotta flip over now.”

I have tomorrow off but it’s not exactly a day off.  Not when there are sheets that need drying.

I finally opened up a business bank account for my new place, Sound Alchemy Massage.  The woman who helped set it up, set up my last business account too.  She remembered me even though it’s been over 2 years.

I put $2000 in my new bank account.

Now is the time to start looking for an office but I can’t with the dryer being broke and all.

This post sucks, I’m going to bed.

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