Monthly Archives: February 2018

Melanie Joins a Pool League

I love to play pool.  I absolutely LOVE it beyond measure.  After decades of saying I’m going to join a league, I finally did after meeting some old friends out during one of their league nights.

My team adores me.  Well, at least I think they do.  And other people on different teams have taken a liking to me too.  The bartender, Brie, the owner, Billy, the manager (forgot her name), they all love me.

I was afraid I would hate having to be someplace every Tuesday night but it turns out that I look forward to it and it’s not impinging on work even when we are busy with signature couples massages.

I feel like a super star on Tuesday nights with my messy hair tied up, wearing my ripped jeans and hoodie.  I wear the same clothes every day.  Have I ever told you that?

I’m one of the few people who drinks beer while they play.  I’m surprised not more people do it.  Right now I’m a level 2, which is a perfect level to be since I can get away with drinking beer and not have to worry about missing a shot because, well, I’m a level 2!  And my team wants me to stay a level 2.

If I stop drinking beer during my matches, I’ll most likely go up a level.  The one night I experimented by only drinking one beer and I kicked the girls ass and won the whole thing.

I score points for my team each week and I don’t have to practice if I want to stay a level 2, and I can drink beer.  Sounds pretty peachy to me.  Good deal.

As of now my team is in second place.  Once we’re closer to the end of the season, I’m sure everyone starts to sweat bullets because if we win, it means we get to go to Vegas.  Vegas baby!

When I first joined the league last month, I became obsessed with practicing, watching YouTube videos, reading Jeanette Lee’s autobiography…..etc.  But now my obsession sort of died down.  Other obsessions taken its place.

People say I’m unemotional but I tell you what, when I play pool – they come out in full force.  Anyone who’s ever witnessed me play pool would never say I’m unemotional again.

My team set me up with my own stick (I named it the Pink Lady), a case, a glove and chalk.  I need the glove for my sweaty ass hands.  My hands are always sweaty no matter what I do.  While I was in Spain, Hana would grab my hand and tell me that it’s wet.

Hana – “They wet.  Why they always wet?”  She’d say while she smacked the palm of my hand.

They’re wet right now just typing on my keyboard.

I hate the way dry hands feel.  When a dry hand is handling or folding a dry piece of paper, I cringe.  I hate the sound of it.  If my hands ever do feel dry, I cup them over my mouth and blow my hot breath into them.

I’m a weirdo, I know.  I wonder what else I do that’s weird that I don’t realize.

I don’t have a client until 5:45.  It’s 1:41.  I should eat, shower, and maybe play my game for a bit.  I’m not sure what else to do.  I should clean the dryer vent at work but I’m so freaking lazy.

The dryer at work started making a racket on Saturday, February 17th, the busiest day of literally all time.  I think we had 35 clients or something crazy like that.  My theory is that it overheats because the vent is clogged.  We have to keep stopping and starting it.

I bought the LintEater kit from Amazon and I have to use it to snake the 35 feet of tubing – possibly more than 35ft.

As far as my new business goes…..I’m procrastinating.  Mainly because I can’t focus on more than one task at a time.  Work has been busy, which leaves me with no time to set up the new place, and the dryer is busted.  I’ve been stashing money aside though.  I have almost $2000 saved towards the new place.

Don’t get me wrong, money is tight these days.  We’re not promoting the membership anymore so I don’t have that automatic $6000 at the start of every month anymore.  Not only that, but our ex-members are still coming in to redeem their massages that got built up over the years.  There are a TON of them.  Just yesterday we had an ex-member come in for a 90-minute couples massage.  That will cost me at least $60 that’s been spent ages ago.

That’s just one example – these ex-members are coming in everyday to use up their credits and the money is long gone.  There wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t have to pay $5000 to my lawyer.

Speaking of….I haven’t heard anything about the case in a while.  My lawyer was undergoing depositions but the next person in line to be questioned, had something happen to her.  Like hospitalization or something.  She had to push it back but that’s been weeks ago.

I also wrote a letter to one of the victims.  The lady who gave her deposition, I wrote her an email because I still had her info in my files so I figured, why not?

It was a personal, humble, wildly informal email describing my life up to this point.  I re-read it a few days ago and if she decides to sue me after reading that email, there’s no goodness left in her bones.  Her heart is far gone from this plane of existence. You’d have to be a psychopath to want to sue me after reading an email like that.

I haven’t heard anything back from anyone since sending her that email.  January 26th is when I sent it and now it’s February 22nd.  I’m hoping she gave it to her attorney to read.  I’m hoping I’ll get to read it in court.

She’s a professional, so I know she reads all her emails.

I should take a shower and start my day.  I hate having shit to do.

I’ll feel wholly settled once:

  • My new business is opened and established
  • My dryer is fixed
  • The signature couples massages are almost all redeemed
  • Taxes are done
  • The lawsuit is over

Until then, I’m all knots and bolts.  I can’t relax.  The only time I feel somewhat relaxed is nighttime when it’s too late for me to act upon anything.  But during the day, my procrastination stresses me out.

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The Immediate Moment

That’s all anyone ever cares about.  What’s happening here and now.

I’m not saying all of us are living in the present moment.  Immediate Moment and Present Moment are two very different things.  Well, according to me they are very different.  There’s not exactly a word to describe what I mean so I’ll illustrate it in my own way.

Present moment is exactly what you know it as.  Being aware of your surroundings, focusing on your target, being taken out of your head space.

For me personally, I drink beer to achieve the present moment effect.  I have trouble talking to people because I’m too much in my own head and not enough out of it to really focus on what people say.  It’s been a lifelong obstacle for me.

I HATED people telling me to come out of my shell.  There was no shell.  Fuck that shit man.

So anyway, beer helps a great deal in getting me out of my head and into the present moment.  It has nothing to do with guzzling liquid courage or feeling more relaxed and open.  Beer squashes my thinking.

Now let’s talk about the Immediate Moment.

What I mean by Immediate Moment is that it encompasses everything.  No matter what I’m doing, I’m always living in the immediate moment.  Do you get me?  Nothing else exists outside what is happening right now.  Whether I’m present or not present, it’s still happening right now.  Because we’re here on the ground getting scuffed and roughed up.  Effecting and Affecting others, never escaping the gravity of perception and feeling.

It’s still hard to describe…..

But the immediate moment happens to all of us.  And the main focal point of this fixation is the self.  We can’t escape the self.

I’m sounding crazy, I know.

Try looking at things from above.  The further up you go, the less things seem to matter down here.  Problems get smaller and smaller the further away you get.  And the higher you fly, the more distance you gain between yourself and the immediate moment.  You’re not “in” it anymore.  You stepped out.  Sort of like isolation, taking yourself out of harms way.

But once we’re down here on earth again, getting roughed up by people and life – we’re back in it.  Effected and Affected by everything and anything.  Living right here and now with emotions we wouldn’t have if we lived in a different era.

It’s all environmental is what I’m getting at.  We are a product of our environment, letting life control our every thought and perception.  We ride the wave and since we don’t realize it’s a wave we’re riding, we’re not in control of the direction its going.

Life is almost too immediate, you know?  Too “in your face”, we can never step back to see it.  We only see a shadow of it.  Like Plato’s cave allegory.

And the fact that we constantly need food, water, sleep, love, shelter, money, freedom, bathroom breaks – all of this keeps us steadily planted here in the immediate moment. We fight to obtain these items so we can never step away outside ourselves.

There was another mass shooting in Florida.  14 kids are dead.  I hate that people are blaming it on video games.

I can’t believe I’m going to write this but I’ve become somewhat desensitized to school shootings.  It’s not hitting me as hard as it did the first time it happened.  I’m just thankful it didn’t happen here in my home town.  I’m thankful it wasn’t anyone I knew.

Why is this happening?  There are a bunch of theories but I’ll tell you my own theory.  And yes, it has much to do with the Immediate Moment and its danger to society.

Think of the Immediate Moment as a large looming face whose eyes are gleaming into your own.  No matter how much you stumble back, you can never escape the face.  Those eyes, and all it see’s and seen are the same as your eyes and all that they see.

In the past, that face had different eyes.  School shootings weren’t a glint in them.  And since school shooting weren’t a glint back then, it didn’t happen.  Nobody even thought about it.

My theory is that it’s an endemic.  It’s like a viral disease that’s spreading across the US.  One sick individual broke the seal and uncovered the glint so now all the other sick individuals can see it too.

The face we’re all looking into isn’t getting uglier or scarier though.  It’s acquiring more and more possibilities being shown to us and it’s our responsibility to control what we do with these possibilities.

But we’re riding a wave so it’s hard to control.

As we evolve, and technology evolves with us, more and more possibilities and opportunities are shown to us.  All it takes is one individual to unveil certain glints so the rest of the world can also see the possibilities.

What was once impossible, is now possible.  What was once never thought of, people think about.

We are becoming more powerful.  The do-gooders are better equipped but they are up against better equipped villains as well.

There are less twisted souls in the world than ever before, but the ones who are still twisted have a better arsenal than their predecessors.

It is NOT video games.  It’s an endemic.  Once seen, it can not be unseen kind of thing.  It’s now stuck in peoples heads, like the first villain gave all the others permission (and fame) to follow.

This is something we’re going to have to deal with until a new glint is revealed to us and the eyes show us something different.

If you want to blame anything, blame the news for spreading the endemic.

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Lucid Dreaming

I just woke up from a lucid dream while laying on my PEMF mat.

I haven’t laid on this thing since it made me puke last week.

I wasn’t even tired today but as soon as I laid down, my eyes closed and I fell asleep within seconds.

I awoke sitting next to my friend Stephanie who proceeded in telling me that I was in her dimension and not my own.

I started asking her all these questions, stuff I don’t already know, and she diligently answered them and surprised me with her answers.  Unfortunately this dream was my first lucid dream in quite some time – my first ANY dream actually.  So I’m a bit out of practice in remembering what she said.

Steph:  “Do you want to watch E later?”

Me:  “E?!  Who the hell watches E?”

Steph:  “What time are you from again?  E!  It’s Neil Diamond’s special.”

Me – “Neil Diamond?  What’s so great about Neil Diamond?”

Steph – “How can you even ask me that?”

Then my old poodle that passed away 15 years ago jumped on my lap.

Me – “Oh my god, Spudz!  I missed you so much, you didn’t visit me in years!  How are you buddy, you doing alright?  Your fur is so soft and clean.”

I hugged and kissed him.

Then Julia Styles appeared.

Me – “Julia Styles?  What are you doing here?”

Julia – “Oh hey……..”

I forgot what she says but I went over to her and seeing that it was a dream and all, I started kissing her.  No tongue, just lips.  She had a small mouth and it was unfulfilling.

While I was making out with Julia Styles, I was transported away to another room where a man sat on the bottom half of a bunk bed.

Me – “Hey, who are you?”

Him – “I”m part of your team.  We’re looking for someone who just tried feeling up Julia Styles.”

Me thinking – I didn’t try feeling her up, what’s he talking about?

But then I jumped his bones too, but he disappeared on me before I got the chance.

All these people in my dream were teammates. We were a team of super hero’s.  We were superhero’s because we knew the world we lived in wasn’t real, we could control it.

At some point during the dream, my ex-boyfriend Dave showed up.  Dave wasn’t part of the superhero team, but he was there to help us.

I shouldn’t even be writing about this especially now that he’s married with a kid on the way, but once again, I jumped his bones.  I pulled his pants down and gave him a blowjob.

Me thinking – I can finally give him that deep throat he’s always wanted.

But no, even in my dreams I gag.  How is that even possible?!

Lucid dreams have the tendency of feeling more real than real.  Especially when it comes to sex.  Everything is heightened beyond your wildest expectations.  I’m not blowing smoke and you’d not believe me until you experience it yourself.  It’s the most mind-blowing sex you’d ever have in real life.

Julia Styles spotted a group of men dressed in black approaching the house we were hiding in.  They worked for the government and it was their job to kill superhero’s who might tilt the scale of power.

Julia Styles – “RUN!”

Since I knew it was a dream, I willed myself to fly upward into the ceiling.  It was hard to go through the wood of the ceiling, but I pulled myself through.  There were multiple floors in this house and I never seemed to reach the top.

Me – “Screw it, I’m going out the side.”

I flew out the side of the house and found myself floating in the universe.  I tumbled around at crazy speeds (but not out of body, it was still only a dream).  I floated through electric purple and blue storm universes which were my least favorite, and then I ended up on a planet completely made out of pixels.  It was a low-def video game from the 80’s.

Me thinking- Oh man, why are my dreams so outdated?  I can think up better graphics than this!”

I turned into Link from Zelda, only a female Link wearing a skirt instead of pants.  Zelda, I guess I was Zelda.  And I continued to fly around in a Minecraft-looking world, building castles and stuff as I floated above everything.

That’s the time I over-heated and woke up.  My PEMF mat was set to 5, it clearly states not to fall asleep with it set to 5.

I didn’t abuse the other controls though.  I didn’t give myself an overdose of PEMF, IONs, and PHOTONs like I did last week.

Damn, I gotta go to work.

it’s now the next day. Or possibly two days later, I don’t know.

I just reread what I wrote and what I want to know is why the hell am I so horny in lucid dreams? I’m NOT like that in real life. Nowhere near it, complete opposite. In fact, I just bought my first vibrator at a romance party and it’s not even the kind with the shaft and balls, it’s just a vibrating ring I can wear on my finger. Honestly I probably won’t even use it.

I’m going to Google horny lucid dreaming, hold on….


It’s now a lot of days later……too many days later.  Work has me all knotted up these days.  I’m posting this now or I’ll never post it.

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When Melanie Tosses The Cookies, She Likes to Write About It

I’ve been laying on my PEMF mat whenever I get home.

The PEMF, ION and Photon functions all have separate automatic shut-off’s, so after 20-minutes, I reset them all by turning them on again.

There’s a shut-off for a reason.

I taken a 2-hour nap the other day and when I woke up, my t-shirt was damp with sweat but I felt fantastic, like it was the best nap of my life.  That same night, I fell asleep on the PEMF mat with the heat setting set at 2 but before switching it to 2, it was set at 5 which meant that the mat was still super hot before I fell asleep on it.  Plus I’ve been resetting the controls as soon as they automatically shut off in order to get continuous doses of PEMF, IONs and Photons.

I woke up 2 hours later with severe acid reflux or heat stroke, I don’t really know.  All I know is that my stomach contents wanted out.  I didn’t feel nausea or stomach pain, just vomit in my mouth.

I also ate an entire gift basket before falling asleep so I literally tossed the cookies.  I don’t think it was the gift basket that made me throw up though.  It was just pretzels, chocolate, cookies and crackers.  Okay, maybe I ate too much.

My stomach was completely full, like my body had trouble digesting everything.  I think the PEMF made my body too alkaline.  I didn’t have enough stomach acids to digest the food.  Either that, or I overheated or overate.  It could’ve been a bunch of stuff that did it.

But the PEMF mat terrifies me now.  Yesterday was my day off from it.  I’m scared to use it.

It clearly states in the manual not to overdo it when you first get one.  I need to build up a tolerance for it first.  But I also think it’s all hog wash malarkey so I paid no heed.

I’ve been so tired and achy lately.  My ankles and right knee are starting to hurt again – Camino pain I haven’t felt in a while.

And infrared heat scares me!  It heats your body from the inside out.  Normally your body heats from the outside in, so this feels unnatural to me.  It feels like I’m roasting myself alive and don’t even know it.  And there’s hardly any scientific studies about infrared heat!  We don’t know if it’s safe!

I don’t like the mat.  No, I don’t like the mat.  There’s a small cult of mat lovers out there but I’m not one of them.  The heat feels really good though.  I can crank it up and my skin never gets hot or burns from it.  I keep turing the knob higher and higher.  It’s addicting!

When I was throwing up, my dad sat in the next room watching the news.  It was around midnight.  I was scared he’d hear me puke but the old man’s so deaf, he didn’t hear a damn thing.  And I puked so very hard.  When I emerged from the bathroom, he was still sitting in the same position with his back turned to me, never turning around.

I went to sleep around 11:30 last night and I woke up at 12:30 today.  I slept the whole time without waking or semi-waking.

Yesterday was the Super Bowl.  I normally go out every year for the Super Bowl but I stayed home yesterday.  Amy, Lisa, Jill, all wanted me to come over, but I was too tired.

My brain is not working today.  I have two clients later and then I’m meeting Amy for a drink.

Amy just texted me saying she’s not feeling well and probably won’t hang out tonight.  How weird!  I was just thinking about her!

I’m going to end up laying on the PEMF mat again later, after I get home.  I know it.


As far as my new business goes…..

I’m waiting to get my articles of organization.  It can take a few weeks.  After that, I can open up a business account and start putting money in it.


I’ve been fantasizing about my science fiction book a lot lately.  The idea is clear and simple, but it still has a few kinks.

I’m one of those people who ask questions when watching stupid movies or reading stupid books.  Questions like, “why didn’t they just run out of the house?  Why stay and get slaughtered?”

It’s those kinds of questions that put a kink in my story because things happen in my story that don’t make sense!  But I’m learning it’s those same kinds of questions that add depth and twists.  I can have an idea and work backwards from it, answering all my questions along the way.

I’m also flip-flopping between actors that’ll play the lead role.  I flip from Leonardo DiCaprio, Chris Pratt, to Jennifer Lawrence.

I love picturing a male in the lead, but I also love movies where girls kick ass, so I’m stuck.  It’s a serious problem not knowing the gender of your lead character.  I like them both.  I want to see a girl who kicks ass, but I also love Chris Pratt’s quirks.

I’m so lame in real life that I don’t play a role in my own fantasies.

Maybe Chris Pratt can play the boyfriend and Leonardo can be the villain?  Or Jennifer Lawrence can play the villain….

I’ll think about it over my massages today.

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The Gentle Rumbling Rambles of a Babbling Blog

I’m laying on an $850 dollar PEMF mat made out of a bunch of small semi-precious stones.  27 pounds worth of semi-preciousness and 6 more pounds of technical equipment that I can’t begin to understand.

I feel like one of those rich people that buys shit just because they can.

Here’s the exact PEMF mat I bought

It’s the heating element that I don’t understand.  I can crank this baby up full blast, I think it get’s to be around 150 degree’s.  But when I place my hand on it, it only feels lukewarm to the touch.  However, when I lay my entire body on it…..holy shit that’s freaking hot!  I started to sweat my balls off and I don’t even have balls!

I felt the heat in my bones and in my blood.  My entire body covered in immense heat.  My pajama bottoms were getting damp and that never happens, not even when I work out.

I’ve been laying on this thing since I got home at 4:30 and now it’s 11:27.

Anyway, aside from this ridiculously expensive heat mat, I wanted to write about my new business again.  I want to calculate the absolute lowest amount of money I have to make a day in order to break even.

Let’s say rent is $500, internet is what?  $40?  Tracfones are crazy cheap but let’s say $60 a month for two of them.  And that’s it.  Those are my expenses.  $600 a month.  Now, how many clients do I need a day to reach $600 a month…..

600 divided by 30 days is $20 a day.  I need 3 45-minute birthday massages a day, or one 45-minute birthday massage and one 75-minute birthday massage a day, or one coupon client a day.

If I have one coupon client a day, that’s $38.75 a day X 30 days is $1162.50 minus $600 is $562.50.

When I run the numbers this way, things look a bit grim.  Shit.  It’s possible I won’t break even for at least 4 months, and instead, paying out my teeth for this new place.  I already spent over $1000 on it and it’s still the very beginning phase.

The current business I have now, we get a TON of the same people booking every month.  Today alone, we had 5 – would’ve been 6 but one cancelled.  The one that cancelled has been with me since day one at my first stink-hole office.

If I can get my new business to have these same numbers, well, I’d be stinking rich is what.

But the therapists I’m hiring aren’t me.  I hate to say it but I’m freaking special.  I really REALLY hate to say it.  And everybody would equally hate to hear me say it.  As soon as I say it, my specialness is gone and now I’m the opposite of special, but more like hated.  Hated in a special way.  Envy is probably the worst kind of hate.  It’s why wars are started!  All war!

Envy is equal to lack of power and when acting on this lack of power, destruction falls in your wake.  You may win and get to write the history books, but you’ll always be miserable because you’ll never be self-sufficient, but always dependent on someone or something.

Narcissists are the most envious people there are.  Take take need need.

I’m rambling.

Go on, hate me for thinking that I’m special.  I’d do it too.  I hate when people say that.  Mostly out of annoyance rather than envy.  Only two or three times did I feel the envy, that’s how I know about this.  I didn’t read about it, I experienced it.  Luckily the disease never latched.

When people talk highly of themselves (or even highly of their kids), it can breed envy.  Why anyone would wish to be envied is beyond my scope of understanding.  Where’s the love in that?

Part of my charm is that I act like a kid.  When I’m being myself, that’s how I act.  But not an immature kid or an emotionally inept person – I act inexperienced, but I’m happy about my inexperience because it means I can only get better and no matter how good I get, I’ll always think of myself as inexperienced.  I’ll always ask questions and respect others opinions and advice.

Come to think of it, my travel buddy, Hana, is the exact same way.  We acted like children together exploring foreign lands but somehow expertly navigated the whole trip by the seat of our pants.  It was fucking awesome.

My personality can best be described by this PEMF infrared heating mat.  I don’t emit heat, I’m cool to the touch, but my heat penetrates deeper than all those other heating mats.  It’s like I’m energy efficient or something.  I only expend myself when needed.  Perhaps this is the origin of my laziness?  I can’t be awesome if I’m not lazy?

God, I hate writing about myself like this.  I really do.  I’m not like that, you know me best, right?  It’s embarrassing is what it is.

But my point is…..I have about 40 clients still coming to my business, all of whom have known me since Massage by Melanie.  My other therapists?  Not even close.  Even after all this time.  Well, Mollie would be the closest.  Then Adonis.  But these clients don’t even get massages by me anymore, they come to my business simply because they like me.

Finding therapists that match my caliber are a rare find.  Trust me, I’ve worked at Massage Envy, known quite a few therapists in my day and very few of them match my caliber of having both skill and likability.

I know what people want.  That’s the trick.  To take myself out of the equation.  My therapist, Mollie, is an expert at this.  She’s not the smartest person I ever met, but she’s a genius at likability.  And now that you know my secret, there’s no need for the envy.

I’m freaking tired.  I’m going to finish watching Future Man on Hulu and hit the hay.

The saying “hit the hay” is literally older than mattresses.

Wow….I just googled the history of mattresses for the last 15-20 minutes.

Oh God I have problems.


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