Me, Myself and My Heart Condition

A few days ago I wrote about waking up in the middle of the night with a feeling that a diamond replaced my heart.

Yeah well, as it turns out – I think it’s a freaking heart condition!

The diamond lasted for about 3 days and went away after I slept for 12 hours.  I didn’t realize the diamond was a problem until it went away.

My heart takes the brunt of all my stress.  Whether I’m happy, sad or excited – my heart knows what I feel before I do.

All emotion is stress, even the good ones.

When the diamond went away, I couldn’t feel my heart anymore.  It went on pumping in quiet contemplation.  It feels healthier when I don’t know it’s there.  I’m not supposed to feel pangs in my chest or shortness of breath – these things are bad Melanie.  Bad!

I paid off that $5,000 of debt I gave to my lawyer.  I paid it off  sooner than expected, so now I’m squeaking by financially with fingers crossed that I make it.

I need to calm the fuck down.  Calm the fuck down girl.

I can feel the diamond creeping back in.  Like it knows I’m excited.  It’s excited that I’m writing this post!  I’m getting jolts by just typing this!

Okay, I need to change my thought process.  I need to think sleepy time tea.  Milk and honey.  Poppies, puddles, a rainbow reflection. Think sand and wind.

Think about the mantra from the movie, The Men Who Stare at Goats:

Mother Earth, you are my life support system.

As a soldier, I must drink your blue water, live inside your red clay and eat your green skin.

Help me to balance myself as you hold in balance the Earth, the sea and the space environments.

Help me to open my heart, knowing the Universe will feed me.

I pray my boots will always kiss your face and my footsteps match your heartbeat.

Carry my body through space and time.

You are my connection to the Universe and all that comes after.

I am yours and you are mine.

I salute you.

Calm the fuck down Melanie.  Calm the fuck down please.

Why is this happening?   Let’s think about it….My heart feels really dense and constricted….hmm.

I felt my heart unclench a bit as I read “Help me to open my heart, knowing the Universe will feed me.”

I think my newly found heart issue has to do with trust.  I’m scared everything will fall apart.  My heart is clenching like a fist in order to hang onto things.  Like, the minute I turn away and I’m no longer excited, everything will slip away.  I’ll lose focus, make mistakes, lose interest or hope.  My heart doesn’t trust anything that’s happening because it’s never known true happiness or freedom.  All it’s ever known is how to keep its head above water.

I subconsciously want to keep myself excited until my dreams match my reality, than I can relax.  The excitement is a placeholder of sorts.

I need to find a heart opening poem, hold on…

Ugh, it’s all sappy garbage about love.  I have too much love, that’s the problem!  I’m having heart issues because life is amazing and true freedom is obtainable.  But the real issue is that I don’t trust it.

This, I need to work on.  I’ll turn a possible heart condition into heart condition-ing!  You see what I did there?  I added an “ing” at the end.   I’m going to condition my heart into letting go and trusting the universe.  And then maybe, just maybe, I’ll live long enough to see flying cars and teleportation.

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Filed under All about me, journal, Self help

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