Monthly Archives: January 2018

Another Business Post

I don’t have a stupid heart condition, I have an addiction to my goddamned electric cigarette is what it is!  My heart always feels constricted at night, when I lay in bed and vape the most.  Duh Mel.  Duh.

I’m sitting at Cheshire Coffee trying to work on my new business website.  I can’t do it at home.  I tried for weeks now to do it at home but I end up playing my game all day, or going out to do other shit.

I had so much trouble getting here today.  I fell asleep around 1:30AM and woke up at 8AM to pee.  I fell right back to sleep and didn’t wake up until 12:30 in the afternoon.

And I can’t move when I do that.  I can’t get out of bed.  I vape and watch Netflix and if I start playing my game, that’s it.  The day disappears.  It’s all over.  If I’m feeling frisky, I order take-out at J Sushi.

But here I am at Cheshire Coffee.  I made it.

I need to make a To Do list for my new business.  If I don’t write one up, nothing gets done and I stay good and confused for weeks at a time in a too-much-sleep-induced coma.  Completely immobile.

So, here’s my list.  Everything I need to do in the order I need to do them:

  1. Finish my website
  2. File the articles of organization
  3. Obtain an EIN (I do not need to register for CT state tax due to no employee’s)
  4. Once I receive my papers, open a business checking account.
  5. Put $1500 in that checking account
  6. Buy surround sound stereo
  7. Buy Ipod
  8. Buy iPad and Square stand
  9. Find an office
  10. Buy two tracfones
  11. Finish website adding address and phone number, schedulicity and gift certificates
  12. Order business cards and Gift Certs
  13. Decorate the massage office
  14. Write up an employee handbook
  15. Hire independent contractors
  16. Email blast with birthday massage offer
  17. Cross your fingers and hope for the best


It’s now the next day.  The new website is pretty much done.  It looks immaculate, better than my last one.  I want to show off my new website to the world.  I’m so freaking proud of it, I can’t stop looking at it.

Truthfully, it was hard for me to choke down what I was selling in the beginning, but the more I researched and wrote about it, I somehow converted myself into a full-on believer.  I believe in what I’m selling.  I’m a fucking fanatic.  I’m not embellishing!  I fucking love what we’re about!

I also upped my prices and I’m adding in a 45 minute massage option.  Without the 45 minute option, it’s possible that my therapists will end up with a huge gap in their schedule because a 75 minute session wouldn’t be able to fit where a 45 minute session can.

A 75 minute massage is $90, with the loyalty coupon it will be $70.  This is still a very competitive price in my area.

A 45 minute massage is $54, with the loyalty coupon it will be $44.

I mulled over these numbers a lot and they make total sense.  Mathematically, they make sense – and it’s more sensible to offer 75 minutes and 45 minutes rather than the traditional 90 and 60.  I can fit more people in this way, get more bang for my buck, and the therapists will be happy they won’t have to give grueling 90 minute massages and the 45 minutes are easy money.

And the dollar amount of both massage options is divisible by 18 – my lucky number.  Perfect I say!  I just want to shout the word FUCK.  FUCKING PERFECT!

Down the road I’m thinking about keeping the business open on Mondays – Once we have clients rebooking and enough therapists to cover the extra day, why not stay open on Mondays?  I literally lose nothing.  The only reason to stay closed on Monday now is because we don’t have enough clients or therapists to fill a full 7 day work week.

But once we do have enough…..let’s run the numbers again.  This time, adding in the extra day and calculating the new price increase.

We can fit 6 75-minutes massages in one day.  If those 6 clients pay the coupon price of $70, the therapist gets $31.25 while I get $38.75.  I just want to point out that what I make is almost even with what the therapist makes.  This is how it should be at all massage businesses.

Okay, so $38.75 X 6 =$232.50 a day.

$232.50 X 7 days a week = $1627.50 a week

$1627.50 X 4 weeks a month = $6510 a month.

I mean holy fucking crap, right?  But that’s the absolute most I can make.  And in truth, I’m not going to hit anywhere near those kinds of numbers.  It’s next to impossible.

Plus I have the birthday massages to contend with…..

Let’s run the numbers if all I sell are 45 minute birthday massages…..

They take up an hour time slot and there are 12 hours in one work day.  45 minute birthday massages cost a mere $27.  $18.75 of that goes to the therapist, so that leaves me with $8.25.

$8.25 X 12 = $99 a day

$99 X 7 days a week = $693 a week

$693 X 4 weeks a month = $2772 a month

I tell you what, $2772 a month is a whole bunch of money.  Minus $500 for rent, that’s still $2272 a month.

I’m telling you, I’m a completely rational, logical person (most of the time) and according to me, no matter how I slice it, I still come up on top.  Now lets figure in if I had 6 of these businesses….beep boop beep…..$2272 X 6 = $13,632!

Shit ballz that’s a lot.


I just got home from my pool league.  It’s my third week playing and it’s not the hassle I thought it would be.  I’m actually quite enjoying it.  Tonight I played my buddy, Mike, whom I haven’t seen in years.  It’s a complete coincidence that I played him.  I didn’t even know he played.

But I’ll leave my pool league adventures for another post.  For now I want to run the numbers again.  Boring, I know, but I’m obsessed.

I had a few beers……I’m watching season 3 of “The Path” on Netflix.  It’s a good show.  They base their entire religion off the teachings of ayahuasca but they don’t come right out and say it.  But I know.

Anyway, let’s project my income if I have only one birthday massage and one coupon massage a day.  Now, this projected income would be the absolute LOWEST it can go.  At no time, even in the beginning, would there be only 2 clients a day.  But let’s just see what it would look like….

One 45 minute birthday massage a day would be $8.25 and one 75 minute coupon massage would be $38.75.  That equals out to be $47 a day.

$47 X 7 = $329 a week

$329 X 4 weeks a month = $1316 a month.  Minus $500 for rent leaves me with $816 a month.

At no point in my calculations does this sound like a bad idea.  Do you see what I’m seeing?  Are we seeing the same thing?  Anyone who thinks this is a bad idea, or that I’m greedy or blinded by false optimism – they’re obviously not seeing what I’m seeing.

This is a very real, very doable business.  And all parties involved are happy.  Client is happy – they’re paying a competitive price for a service they can’t find anywhere else (this massage is very unique), my therapists will be happy because they can work whenever they want and not have to give the same monotonous massage 6 clients a day with little pay.  And I’ll be happy because, well, look at the numbers.

Seriously, every way I slice it, it’s the most perfect layout.  In all ways, perfect.

Shit, I’m tired.  I’m going to sleep very well tonight.  Only 12 more minutes of “The Path” and it’s lights out for me.

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Me, Myself and My Heart Condition

A few days ago I wrote about waking up in the middle of the night with a feeling that a diamond replaced my heart.

Yeah well, as it turns out – I think it’s a freaking heart condition!

The diamond lasted for about 3 days and went away after I slept for 12 hours.  I didn’t realize the diamond was a problem until it went away.

My heart takes the brunt of all my stress.  Whether I’m happy, sad or excited – my heart knows what I feel before I do.

All emotion is stress, even the good ones.

When the diamond went away, I couldn’t feel my heart anymore.  It went on pumping in quiet contemplation.  It feels healthier when I don’t know it’s there.  I’m not supposed to feel pangs in my chest or shortness of breath – these things are bad Melanie.  Bad!

I paid off that $5,000 of debt I gave to my lawyer.  I paid it off  sooner than expected, so now I’m squeaking by financially with fingers crossed that I make it.

I need to calm the fuck down.  Calm the fuck down girl.

I can feel the diamond creeping back in.  Like it knows I’m excited.  It’s excited that I’m writing this post!  I’m getting jolts by just typing this!

Okay, I need to change my thought process.  I need to think sleepy time tea.  Milk and honey.  Poppies, puddles, a rainbow reflection. Think sand and wind.

Think about the mantra from the movie, The Men Who Stare at Goats:

Mother Earth, you are my life support system.

As a soldier, I must drink your blue water, live inside your red clay and eat your green skin.

Help me to balance myself as you hold in balance the Earth, the sea and the space environments.

Help me to open my heart, knowing the Universe will feed me.

I pray my boots will always kiss your face and my footsteps match your heartbeat.

Carry my body through space and time.

You are my connection to the Universe and all that comes after.

I am yours and you are mine.

I salute you.

Calm the fuck down Melanie.  Calm the fuck down please.

Why is this happening?   Let’s think about it….My heart feels really dense and constricted….hmm.

I felt my heart unclench a bit as I read “Help me to open my heart, knowing the Universe will feed me.”

I think my newly found heart issue has to do with trust.  I’m scared everything will fall apart.  My heart is clenching like a fist in order to hang onto things.  Like, the minute I turn away and I’m no longer excited, everything will slip away.  I’ll lose focus, make mistakes, lose interest or hope.  My heart doesn’t trust anything that’s happening because it’s never known true happiness or freedom.  All it’s ever known is how to keep its head above water.

I subconsciously want to keep myself excited until my dreams match my reality, than I can relax.  The excitement is a placeholder of sorts.

I need to find a heart opening poem, hold on…

Ugh, it’s all sappy garbage about love.  I have too much love, that’s the problem!  I’m having heart issues because life is amazing and true freedom is obtainable.  But the real issue is that I don’t trust it.

This, I need to work on.  I’ll turn a possible heart condition into heart condition-ing!  You see what I did there?  I added an “ing” at the end.   I’m going to condition my heart into letting go and trusting the universe.  And then maybe, just maybe, I’ll live long enough to see flying cars and teleportation.

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Not many people know about 18-9.  They don’t know what it means, what it symbolizes.  I just learned about it myself today while googling “what is my destiny?”

I got bored and yes, I googled “what is my destiny.”

I’m playing Elder Scrolls online and they have a prognosticator robot that inputs your data into his system and makes calculable, yet accurate destiny profiles.

Me thinking – “That’s like Google!”

And that’s my story of why I googled “What is my destiny”.

I decided the first link that pops up would indicate my destiny.  But the first link that showed was just a stupid website about numerology.

Me – “I’m a huge idiot……but wait?  What if it’s my destiny to click on this numerology website?”

And so I clicked on it and learned about personal years.

I’ve never heard about personal year numbers before, not ever.  They are numbered 1-9 with one tricky year thrown in for good measure, and that would be personal year number 18-9.

Me thinking – “I fucking know I’m in an 18-9 year.  I don’t need to do the math, I just know it.”

I did the math anyway and yep, fucking 18-9.

2+1+4+2+0+1+8 = 18

You add your birthday month and birthday day to the current year and that’s where the 18 comes from.  In numerology they break the 18 down by adding it together to make the number 9.  But when the total adds up to 18, it’s “auspicious”.

Oh I’m sorry, is this boring you?  Well it should.  Unless you’re in an 18-9 year too.

Anyway, each year is numbered 1-9.  Not all 9 years are 18-9 years.

It’s a big deal because the number 18 is considered auspicious to many spiritual practices.  That’s the word they used, “auspicious”.

And guess what number keeps popping up in my life? 118!  I just wrote about it recently too.

Jews wear the number 18 around their necks for good luck and whenever they’re giving gifts, money in particular, they do it in increments of 18.

Ayahuasca said Hinduism and Judaism are the closest there is to truth….just sayin’.

When I was 21, I walked into a tattoo parlor looking to get inked.  I had absolutely no clue what I wanted or where I wanted it.  I walked in, turned to the first wall display of possible tattoos and picked the first thing I seen.

It means strength, but I didn’t even care what it meant.  I just liked the design.  I thought it’ll look cool on my arm.  Like a deer prancing through a meadow – elegant, sweeping, clean.

You want to know the symbol for 18 in Hebrew?

Pretty similar, ain’t it?  Well, okay, I’m grasping here.  But the Hebrews call the symbol Ch’ai and I love Chai latte!

18 is everywhere in my life is what I’m getting at….my tattoo was not the best example.

I’m going on Amazon to buy a freaking Ch’ai necklace.  Screw it.  I need to order stuff for work anyway.

So what’s in store for me in an 18-9 year?

I don’t really know.  I can’t find a straight answer.  They say year 9 is about letting go of old shit to make room for new shit.  It’s all about change.  And the number 18 means good luck, so….good changes?  They used the word “auspicious” after all.  That means success or something….I think.

Year 9 is usually the hardest for most people because we have trouble letting go.  We HATE change.  Ugh….change.

I’m not a believer in these things, but I love speculating about it.  And okay, I admit….the year profiles seem accurate.  The descriptions are accurate accounts of what transpired during those years of my life.

I’m a stupid schlep.  A stupid, spiritual schlep.


I conked out before 8:30PM last night.  I was wiped.  But I woke up at midnight with a hankering for lemonade and got myself a glass.  I couldn’t fall back to sleep until 6 in the morn.

Last night whist I drank my lemonade in the quiet of my room, my heart felt like a diamond.  Stupid, it’s stupid I know….But it felt like a solid thumping rock in my chest.

If I’m bi-polar, last night was a bi-polar high.

Me thinking – “I’ll never need cocaine, I feel fucking amazing right now.  Imagine me on cocaine right now!”

It’s just that I’m really excited about my new business venture.  I can’t sleep when I get excited.  I felt so profoundly happy, happier than I’ve ever felt.  And I captured the moment inside the diamond in my chest.  I can still feel it.

I can’t really explain it in regular words.

I was sad at first when I came back from my trip.  I was sad because I had so much shit to do and no real plan.  I was broke and being sued and just got done accumulating $3000 of credit card debt overseas.  I was in the shit house.  I was thinking it’ll take me years to be able to afford another trip like that.  Freaking years man.

But I turned that fear into action.  You know what i mean?  Actual action.  A plan.  And now I can’t contain myself.  No, it won’t take years to take another trip like that.

I’m in love with traveling.  I’m in love, infatuated, with life.  And to me, life means getting out there.  Adventuring.  Exploring.  Meeting new people.  Learning the wily ways of the universe.  That’s life to me.  The best kind of.

Shit, I’m transfixing aren’t I?  I hate it when I do that.  I can feel the diamond in my chest getting denser.  Like it’s full of caffeine or something.

I better start tuning down now or I’ll be up all night again.  Having piss-poor sleeping habits is just as bad as full blown insomnia.

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Sound Alchemy

That’s the name of my new business, Sound Alchemy.  Sounds cool, right?

There’s a place in Wallingford that sells all organic vegan food called Pure Alchemy and that’s where I got the idea from.  Pure Alchemy sounds like a cafe I’d like to own but they beat me to the punch.

I always loved the word Alchemy.

I’ll be incorporating sound therapy into my massage sessions.  There’s quite a big following for it but nobody here in CT practices it.

I ordered my chakra tuning forks and an 8 inch singing bowl from Amazon.  I set up my new business website and email address.

When I was in massage school my friend, Matt, brought in his singing bowls.  He had us lay down with our eyes closed and the lights off and he played them for us.

Now, I’m a very skeptical person.  I don’t believe in new-age stuff like crystal healing, reiki, psychics..etc.  It all screams bullshit to my ears.  But when I was laying down listening to Matt play those bowls, my whole body felt it.  That’s all I know.  Is that I felt it and I liked it.

I don’t have to believe in chakra balancing or vibrational healing frequencies in order to enjoy it.  My brain felt drugged and my body limp – it was awesome and I didn’t want him to stop.

I still think it’s bullshit, but that doesn’t matter.

Sound Alchemy.  Oh god it’s so perfect!  I’m deeply in love with the name.  I even acquired a legit .com address and not one of those pansy-ass .net’s or .org’s.  No, I’m a  dot com’er baby.  My new business email is even svelte.

Everything is fitting so perfectly in order like it already exists in the world just for me.  I’m merely reliving the memories of putting it all together.  It’s already there.

I’m not even thinking that hard.  I’m actually really hungover today.

My website domain is set up, but I still need to write it up and add pictures.  I went with a free WordPress site and the default set-up they have is perfect.  It looks polished and professional.  I don’t need to do a damn thing with it except write in the spaces they tell me to write in.

I’ll do that tomorrow.  Maybe at Cheshire Coffee where I won’t be distracted with Netflix and games.

I’ll need to make some big purchases soon if I want to get this place up and running quickly.

What I need:

Surround sound stereo


Massage table, fleece, memory foam, face cradle

Cabinet (I already have an extra one I don’t use at work)

Chair for client

Stool for therapist

Small desk

iPad and Square swiper iPad stand

2 Samsung tracfones

Solfeggio wind chimes

Floor fan

Tapestries and pier one art deco

Safe with a slot for envelopes

Foot scrub and dispenser bottle

A bench for storage

Pillows for pregnancy massage

I may or may not need a room divider

And my biggest purchase; a PEMF mat.

PEMF stands for Pulsed Electromagnetic Field Therapy.  It sounds like more new-age bullshit to me, but Doctor Oz gave it street cred and a lot of people seem to like it.

The mat costs $1000.  Is it worth it?  I highly doubt it.  It can very well be a scam.  A new-age snake oil.   But supposedly it’s what they use on race horses, olympic athletes, and NASA uses it in space so the astronauts don’t get sick.

It’s FDA approved and all the devices out there got really good reviews.  I searched for it on the skeptic and scam forums and there were more people praising it than there were skeptics bashing it.

So……I want one.  I want one right now.  And I want my Mother to test it out.  She’d know better than anyone if the damn thing actually works.

$1000 freaking dollars.  Hot damn.  Hot damn it to shit hell fuck.

But it’s another reason for people to choose Sound Alchemy rather than the other guy.  We got the good shit man.  Crap you want to try but can’t buy.

Anyway, I’m hungry.  It’s 11PM, my parents are at the casino, I’m home alone watching The Colony on Netflix.  I haven’t played my game in two days.

Maybe I’m not addicted to my game after all?  Some days I feel the need to play it.  I can’t help myself and I need it.  But other days I’m fine and only play it to pass the time when I have nothing to do.

Or maybe my new addiction is getting this new business up and running?  I don’t know.

I really want this PEMF mat dammit.  I need more money.

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My New Business Plan. Don’t read it, it’s pretty boring

I wrote out a business plan when I first opened up shop.  I somehow accomplished all the phases of my business plan after years of struggle.  I did everything that I set out to do.  And now here I am with a well maintained business that needs little support from me.

But I might lose it all.  Every scrap I slaved away for, gone.  All because of a few photo’s.

But I been through the depression already.  I’ve been through several of them.  Just when I think I’m out of it, I slip right back in like an old scruffy sock with a hole in its toe.

The one thing that gets me out of depression is to have a PLAN.

P:  Perpetually

L:  Learning

A:  Alternate

N:  New ways to make money

The hardest thing about depression (I’m talking about the type of depression brought on by circumstance) is having to accept change.  It’s the hardest thing.  You’re depressed because something in your life that you rely on, is no longer there.  But I don’t like to use the word “loss”.  I like the word “change” better.

I hate the word loss because nothing can replace a “loss”.  The thing is gone, can’t be replaced.  Your life will suck now.  But if you use the word “change”, you’re not suffering any loss with change.  Things are changing and that’s all.  But you can only change if you have something to change in to.

In other words, you need a backup plan.

The only way out of depression is to accept change.  There’s no other way.  Don’t bother with hope. Hope leads to dwelling and anyone who’s been depressed before can tell you that dwelling is the root of all evil.  You have to let it go.

I accepted the fact that I might lose my business.  I accepted it a long time ago, but depression still hit me a few times after the fact.  I may have accepted the loss, but I didn’t have a plan to fall back on when shit hit the fan.

I was stuck with having that phrase “What am I going to do?” looping in my head.

Luckily, I found my back-up plan.  I have a new comprehensive business plan all laid out and get this, if this plan actually works, I’ll make more money than I do now.  Not only will I make more money, but there will be less stress and less over-all work on my part.

It’s feasible, it’s rational, it’s irrefutable.  A part of me wants to completely make the switch over to my new plan and sell my current business – that’s how good this plan is.

My biggest hurdle right now is funding.  First I need to pay off that $5,000 I gave to my lawer yesterday.  The question is, how much time do I have?  Do I have time to pay off that $5,000 and then save up for the new biz?  Or will I lose the business before then?

I have other worries too….like my clients.  The one’s who bought gift certificates.  I’m planning on my brothers help for that.  His spa will accept my gift certificates and I’ll pay his therapists at cost to massage those clients.

And as for my employee’s, if they want to stick with me, I’ll hire them at my new place.  Or my brother will hire them.  Either way, I’ll take care of them.  Even my office manager will still have a job.

But my absolute big-time worries are my Groupon customers.  You see, in order for me to pay back that $5000 I spent on my lawyer, I need to sell Groupons.  The question is, will I lose the business before or after all those Groupons expire?  And since Groupon is such a big part of our business, I can’t burn bridges with these people.  I can’t lose their trust.

Plus, bankrupting a business is no cheap task.  Luckily my business insurance will cover a bankruptcy lawyer, but I’ll need to have other income coming in not associated with the bankrupted business.  So I can continue paying my therapists and the rest of my bills for at least a month.  Money going out, nothing coming in.

The best way to avoid all these problems is to open my new business as soon as possible.  That’s the only way.

What’s my new business?  I’m going to rent one office – just one room in an office building and hire independent contractors to massage clients.

This is where I started out, just me in a little ol’ office massaging people, but this time around will be much different.

The massage I’ll be offering will be different.  It’ll be like no other massage seen here in Connecticut.  The fist of its kind; SOUND THERAPY MASSAGE

I have the logistics of it.  I researched what I need.  Sound bowls and tuning forks, and Amazon sells special wind chimes called Sacred Solfeggio that I’ll implement somehow.  I may even look into acquiring a PEMF mat for added effect.

Each massage will be 75 minutes long and include a foot scrub.  And Hana introduced me to a disposable eye mask that smells like lavender and heats up when exposed to air.  I bought 90 of them for a dollar each.  I’m trying not to use them on myself.  They are fantastic!

Each massage will be 75 minutes long.  No more, no less, and will include sound therapy and the foot scrub and eye mask all for $90.  It sounds expensive, but nobody pays full price for anything these days.  If clients book once a month with us, they’ll save $25 per session which brings the price down to $65 – the price of a massage envy membership.

My independent contractors get paid $25 an hour, so for $75 minutes that’s $31.25 a massage.  $65 – $31.25 = $33.75 for me.

I can fit 6 clients in a day.  From 9am to 8pm, that’s 12 hours.  Each client will need a 90-minute time slot, so 6 clients.  6 X $33.75 = $202.5 per day.  $202.5 X 6 days a week = $1215 X 4 weeks a month is $4860.

But that’s the cap unless you count gift certificate sales.  The most money I can possibly make is $4860 in one month – the absolute most.  But I’ll more likely make $1000.

I have roughly 5,000 emails in my database.  Each of those people get an automatic email sent to them on their birthday for a half off massage.  We are basically the birthday massage clinic – we get tons of them.  $90 / 2 = $45 – $31.25 = $13.75 for me.  $13.75 X 6 (clients) = $82.50 X 6 (days) = $495 X 4 (weeks) = $1980 a month.

$1980 would be a really good month.  But then lets factor in Groupon clients.  I may or may not utilize their service.  I do have over 5,000 emails in my database and with such limited space (we’re only going to have one room and one therapist at a time), I might not need Groupon at all.  Maybe in the beginning, but we’ll see.  I’ll break even with Groupon.  Maybe I can finagle a couple extra dollars from them, but otherwise I’ll just about be breaking even.

So that brings my total down to about $1000 a month and that’s if I’m lucky.  Take $500 for rent, and I’m left with $500 when all said and done.

Once the business is stabilized, I project my net income to be roughly $1500 a month.

But it doesn’t end there……

I’ll have multiple locations!  Now that’s when things get interesting.  What if I had 6 locations?  All making the barest net income of $500 a month?  $500 X 6 = $3,000 a month for Melanie.

As for the little bills…..

The therapists will be in charge of linen and lotion.  They buy that shit, not me.  They wash that shit too.  If they have 3 clients a day, that’s $93.75 and if they all leave $10 each, that’s $123.75 a day X 6 days a week, $742.50 a week.  That’s great money for a job they can come and go as they please and make their own hours.

I’ll use Google voice and buy a tracfone for the business.  One phone number for multiple devices all done through one app.  I tried it today and it works perfectly.  I can answer all the calls remotely even while the therapists still have access to the same number and can make calls with the tracfone.

I’ll buy an iPad and use the Square swiper for payments.  It’s the poor mans POS system and it looks damn sharp.

Schedulicity for online booking and payments.  It’ll be $35 a month for the price of Schedulicity and its compatible with Square.

Yes….I have it all mapped out.  All of it.

As for the independent contractors, I can’t tell them when to work.  I can’t legally tell them what their schedule should be.  So I’m leaving it as first come first serve.  Whoever puts hours in first, gets those hours.  I’ll hire more independent contractors if I see gaps in the schedule but that means everyone has to compete with each other to see who can nab the hours fastest.

I’ll pay my therapists weekly using my Bank of America app that lets me transfer money to friends.  Or I’ll use a different app, I don’t know.  I haven’t figured that one out yet.

Monday we’ll be closed.  Mondays will be the day of the week I go to work.  I can picture myself driving to all 6 locations in one day just picking up money as I go.  Like picking flowers in a green pasture.  I’ll pick up money and client intake forms so I can plug in their email addresses and expand my reach further.

Money Monday is what I’ll call it.  Happy Money Monday day.  And even if I do only make $3000 a month, that’s not a bad living.

There, I told you all my secrets.  If you tried to do it yourself, it probably wouldn’t work unless you’re willing to massage a few of those people yourself.  But I have those 5,000 emails (and birthdays) so I have a bit of a leg up.

Now I just need to calculate how much money I need in order to start it all up….

2018 will be the start of something beautiful.  I know it.  I’m only 12 days into it and I’m already feeling good about this year.


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I wrote a post years ago about the significance of the number 118 and how it crops up everywhere in my life.  Well, today my great nephew was born and I topped off my lawyer’s retainer.  Five mother fucking thousand dollars.

And I got hit with an audit.  Not a bad thing, just my insurance company asking questions and wanting me to plug numbers into an online form.  Complete pain in my ass.  They’re also asking for proof of insurance for all my independent contractors, which I have, but I need to go to work to xerox and attach them.  Plus I don’t have my 941 forms for all the quarters, which I’m waiting on from my book-keeper.  This is all due tomorrow or they will cancel my insurance policy.

I don’t like to open mail.  I open mail once every 5 or so weeks and most of it goes in the trash.  I think it’s stupid, I hate it, and I have better things to do.  Nobody owns me.

Mail makes me an angry person.  Mail makes Mel mad.

But yeah, my little nephew was born today.  My Great Nephew I should say.  The biggest baby of our family and my little Ecuadorian niece of 18 gave birth to him.  Well, she wanted to push him out the good ol’ fashion way but the baby was too big so they had to go with the C-section.  She was in labor for 40 hours with the hope of pushing him out.  She’s a stubborn bastard.

He’s a perfect baby.  His head is in the shape of a cone because he was down there in the canal for so long, but it’ll round out eventually.

I should xerox those damn insurance cards.

I’m freaking stressed again over this lawsuit.  I don’t want to do anything, talk to anyone, see anyone…etc.  I just want to get through this.

I’m hoping to pay off the $5,000 by either February 5th, or 18th.  It needs get paid ASAP.  Once that’s done, I can relax a little.

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I paid off $3000 of debt today

I’m approaching my 8 year anniversary of my blog.  I’ve been writing this shit for 8 freaking years.

I was 29 when I wrote my first post.  Now, when I look back on it, I was so young.  I could still do pushups and kicks.  I didn’t realize how young I was back then.

I wrote differently too.  I wrote more details about my everyday life than I do now.  I wrote about what I did, what funny things people say or do.

I looked for things to write about.  All I ever thought about was my blog.  And now?  I just don’t give a shit anymore.

Now it’s like I’m a whole other person.  What do they say?  Every seven years all your atoms are replaced?

So that means there’s not one speck of the old Melanie remaining from that first post written 8 years ago.  Not one molecule.  Not one iota.  Nada.  I’m disintegrated, vanquished, blown apart torn limb from limb.

But I’m still wearing the same underwear.

How does the human body keep replacing its useless old parts, but underwear stays the same?  And how can 140 pounds of Melanie diminish into thin air over the course of 7 years?  I shit myself out of my own body?  Do I implode myself?

I’m trying to think about what I did today to tell you about.  So I can write like I did in my old posts.  The posts that were actually entertaining.

There’s more work involved with this manner of writing.  It’s a bigger process to write about what I did rather than just tell you my thoughts and feelings.  Thoughts and feelings are easier.

What did I do today?

Let me just say that I wrote a lot back then.  I wrote every time I went on break.  So of course I’d run out of thoughts and idea’s to write about – I had nothing else to write about except for my everyday life.  Perhaps that’s the reason my posts suck so much now?  I stopped writing as much?

Okay, so today….let me think….

I kind of just want to play my video game right now.  I’m sorta hungry too which is weird since I ate two street taco’s and an ahi tuna salad and drank 2 beers and a moscow mule.

But whatever…..

So what did I do today?  Nothing that really stands out honestly.

I woke up at around 10:30AM, played my game until I had to leave for work at 3PM.  Once at work, Adonis and Jill were chitchatting, about what?  I forgot.  I was engrossed in my own world saying what a beautiful day it was.

I specifically remember trying to listen to them talk and my thoughts were literally; “I don’t care what they’re talking about.  This is boring.  I’m being sued.  Where’s my phone.”

I massaged my client.  It was a couples massage.  I’m only selling Signature couples massages on Groupon as a way to make extra money and I take all the overflow clients from those couples massages.  I basically only massage couples.  And I make pretty good money doing it this way.

Damn, this is so stupid.  My day is stupid.  I think I lost the knack of perception.

I have to practice getting it back.  I love reading my blog from back then.

After I massaged my client I went to happy hour with Kristina and Angela and now here I am back home.  That was my day.  And now I want to play my video game.

I’ll try again tomorrow.  I’ll try being perceptive or whatever.  I loved myself so much back then, I have to bring that girl back into focus.  There’s only so much time travel paradox’s a girl can write about, now is the time to stop all that.  I need to write about my actual life dammit.

I think it has to do with taking a hard honest look at my life.  Writing all the gritty naked parts.  That’s my homework for tomorrow.  Think naked and gritty and capture it.

Oh and I forgot, I paid off that $3000 of debt I accumulated while on vacation for 2 months.  Now all I have left is my one credit card and my car payment.  My credit card is about $5,400 and I don’t know how much I owe on my car.  Maybe $5,000?  or $4000?  Instead of paying them off, I stopped working and lounged around all day like I did last summer, and then I went on vacation for 2 months.

My excuse for not paying them off this time is that I need to pay my lawyer another $5000 and taxes are due soon.  There goes my laying around time and my cross-country trip.  Will my cross-country adventure ever happen?  When was the first I wrote about that?  The beginning of this blog 8 years ago perhaps?

The one trip I really want to take…..the one trip I dreamed about since I was 12.  It’s just so freaking expensive.


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Demolition Deposition

I fucking hate winter.

I’m nearly 38 years old and each time winter rolls around, it catches me off-guard like a punch to the gut.

Me thinking – “How did I forget how much I hated winter?”

During the warmer months, I feel invincible.  I never get cold, I never get hungry or tired.  Not only do I not get cold, hungry or tired, but it’s as though those things are beneath me and I will NEVER get cold, hungry or tired ever again.  My disposition is too strong and healthy.  I beat all the odds.

But then winter lumbers in like a 400 pound cranky old monstrosity and my body crumples like a heap of laundry under my blankets.  I wait for the sweet release of death.

This winter is not a mild one.  There’s snow and there’s single digits.  It’s like no other winter that came before it.  It reminds me of the time I went to Alaska in February and lost my gloves.

I swear a lot in my head.  It’s always “eff this” and “eff that”, “mother fucking shit fuck”…etc.  But it’s always in my head.  I’m too respectful to swear out in public.  But come wintertime, guess what?  The fuck in me comes out where I normally wouldn’t give one.


It’s been years since my business suffered by the hands of one twisted perverted therapist.  It’s taken me that long to get over it.  But it’s back.  The worry is back.

My lawyer is hard at work undergoing the deposition hearings with the three victims of the lawsuit and holy shit.  Holy mother of pigs it’s brutal.

I know that depositions are meant to clarify facts, to get them straight with an unbiased account of what happened.  But I didn’t know how grueling they are.

My lawyer, god bless him, is one of those lawyers you can’t help but to hate.  A brutal man with no compassion or mercy.  An unfeeling vermin who cares nothing for others.

And he’s on my side!!  Yay for me!  I’m being serious.

He’s interrogated one of the 3 victims so far.

In my opinion (and I do value my opinions as being both logical and reasonable), the deposition itself is a more traumatic experience than the actual incident I’m being sued for.  I shit-you-not.  I’m scared of getting doubly-sued for being the harbinger of a traumatic deposition!

In case you forgot, I’m being sued for one of my former employee’s taking pictures of his clients while he massaged them.  He never touched them inappropriately or shared the photos online.  He just taken pictures.  I’m not downplaying it, I know it’s a vile thing he did, but it could’ve been worse.  Much worse.

My lawyer sent me the transcript of the first deposition.  It was done by a court reporter on one of those little keyboard machines.  Three hours worth of personal information – very personal information.  I know more about this woman than I do about anybody.

She’s a doctor here in town (I won’t tell you a doctor of what), her last name is infamously known from it being plastered on big ass signboards littered up and down the main road during voting season.  Her family is in politics.  And now I have dirt on her.

Her ex-husband emotionally abused her, she’s on anti-anxiety meds, she got a DUI, had a coke and drinking problem, spent 3 months at a rehab center down in Florida…..etc.

My lawyer – “Did you use cocaine during the day?”

Her – “Sometimes.”

My lawyer – “Did you inform your patients when you were under the influence of cocaine?”

Her – “No I did not.”

My lawyer – “Did you inform the state licensing board of your addiction to cocaine?”

Her – “No I did not.”

It was a full three hours of invasive questions such as this.  The type you don’t want getting out in public.

Her – “Do I have to answer these questions?”

Lawyer – “Yes you do.”

I now know what a “leading” question means.   It leads to more questions that you’re forced to answer truthfully due to weaving a trap for yourself by your previous answers.  Only one answer can now fit and it’s the picture he’s painting, not yours.  All done in the guise of finding the “facts”.  Black and stupid fucking white.  You tie your own noose sort of speak.  Cognitive dissonance won’t help you here.

Reading that deposition was like watching a master sculptor at his best.  Like listening to Beethoven’s symphony No. 9 for the first time.  Live in concert.  In Vienna.

My lawyer covered everything!  All possible angles she could get me for, he kept digging to find the real answers as to why she installed a surveillance camera at her house, why she’s taking anxiety meds, why she see’s a therapist….etc.  Her life was fucked up before the incident is what he was getting at and he accomplished it.  Bravo.  You da man.

The victim is a young, smart professional and figured out what my lawyer was doing half-way through the process.  The heated questions and being under oath caused her to fluster but once she figured it out, she started answering more carefully.

But my lawyer is smarter than she is.

Lawyer – “So we’re changing answers now?  Any more answers you want to change?”

My lawyer is a sociopathic genius, very quick thinking, leaves no holes or gaps in his understanding of things.  Nobody stands a chance against him.  I think I’m in love with him.  I’m so impressed and I’m NEVER impressed with anyone.

I hit the jackpot with this guy.  He has a booming voice and a commanding presence.  I see no weakness in his confidence.

As for her lawyer, the guy just sat there like a doofus.

Granted, I wasn’t there (fuck that shit), but I could picture his face all mild mannered with his republican hairdo flopped to one side.  He kept saying “I object”,  like they do in the movies.  But my lawyer completely ignored him which I found funny.  I actually laughed out loud when I read it.

Yes I’m sadistic and yes these are horrible circumstances and I feel bad for what happened, but she’s the one coming after me, you know?  For something that I could not prevent.  It’s like if one of my employees got caught stealing from the till and I’m the one held responsible for their actions.  I’m the one who gets blamed.  Like I wanted them to steal from me, you know?  It’s ludicrous!

The only words her lawyer uttered throughout the whole 3 hour ordeal was, I object.  He said it 3 or 4 times.   And each time he said it, my lawyer went Erin Brockovich on his ass.

And that’s not the funny part!  The funny part is, when I was fumbling around looking for representation, her lawyer was the first guy I turned to.  He was supposed to be MY lawyer.  But even before I gave him my name, he told me he’s already representing one of the plaintiffs.

It’s a small town.  Everybody who’s anyone knows what happened.  It was plastered all over the news and in the paper.  The guy knew who I was before I barely said two words.

Me – “So, what do I do?  Do you recommend anyone?”

Which is a really stupid question, I know, but I was annoyed and wanted to annoy him.

Her lawyer – “I suggest you speak with your insurance company and they’ll provide you with a lawyer.”

Me – “Okay, I’ll try that.”

He was actually really nice.  He sounded sympathetic over the phone.  A sweet guy.

I bet he’s wishing now that he’d recommended someone to me other than my insurance company.

When I first met my lawyer during the free consultation, I felt like I was the one being interrogated.  I felt him snaking his way into my psyche and the first thing that popped into my head was, “I need to hire this guy.”

You do NOT want a nice lawyer.  Nice lawyers suck.

If you want to dominate someone emotionally and intellectually, you have to have more confidence than the other guy.  That’s all it is.  And this guy’s got a bunch of it.

And you have to look at the person like they’re either stupid or crazy.  Not just look, but believe they are stupid/crazy.  You have to feel it and actually see it and just by looking to visually see their stupidity (weakness), you’ll find it every time.  No matter how smart the guy is, you’ll find it.  The more confidence and belief you have in yourself, the more you’re able to break a person.  But you can find other things too.  Anything you want, really.  If you look hard enough.

Portrait artists do this but they call it “finding their humanity”.  It’s when they finally “see” a person for who they really are.  Even for a glimpse.

It’s a form of weakness showing through.  A way for others to sneak in while a little of themselves sneak out.  A two-way street, an opening.  It’s usually the heavily guarded people who break while the open people bend in the breeze.

Weakness happens to be strength.  That’s something most people don’t know.  If you’re open all the time, you sorta get immune to shit.  Like getting inoculated before the virus strikes.  The virus is already in you so you have no choice but to toughen up and either brush it off or ride it out.

I know this from experience.  The most open people I’ve met in the world are also the strongest people I’ve ever met.  That can’t be a coincidence.

I shouldn’t say strong, but resilient.  They’re too sensitive for me to use the word “strong”.

When I say strong, what I really mean is intelligent.  But not book intelligence or IQ.  It’s more like…….hmmm…’s like they know themselves and are fully present.  Being resilient only comes with being intelligent.  So, open people are more often the smartest people that I know.

And I believe that form of intelligence is brought on by introspection.  A hard honest look at themselves.  But it’s impossible to know who they are if they don’t know others first.  They’re forced into seeing people and understanding them in order to understand themselves.

I suppose they are more empathic than the rest.  Empathy doesn’t always equate to intelligence though.  Think about dogs.  They can be empathetic if you look hard enough.  Who’s to say what’s real?

I wish I was more open.  Blog Melanie is a lot different from real life Melanie.  I can break.  I’ve been broken before.  But hot damn I’m a resilient mother fucker.

When I was walking across Spain, I would listen to podcasts.  I listened to this one episode in particular that talked about how our expectations effect others.

They experimented on mice and people.  Hold on a sec, let me find the podcast…’s a really good one.

Okay I found it.  The Podcast is an NPR show called Invisbilia and the episode I’m referring to is “How to become Batman”.

The scientists experimented on two groups of mice.  They labeled one group “smart mice” and the other group “dumb mice”.

The scientists explained to the participants that each mouse undergone an IQ test that proved them to be either smart or dumb.  The participants understood this and didn’t question it.  They understood that one group of mice was dumb and the other, smart.

Both groups of mice had exactly the same IQ.  They’re freaking mice!

The participants watched the smart mice navigate a maze.  The scientists explained to the participants that these mice are expert navigators that always finish the maze quickly.

And sure enough, each mouse found the cheese very quick.  Every single one of them.

Then they preformed the same experiment with the dumb mice.  Once again, the scientists told the participants to expect these mice not to preform as well.

And surprisingly enough, that’s just what happened.  With every single mouse in the dumb group of mice.  They all sucked at the maze.

This shocked everyone, obviously.  How can this be?  Well, yada yada, the scientists broke it down into pheromones.  Our thoughts, aka expectations in this case, are chemically processed in the brain which transmutes hormones in our bloodstream which in turn discharges a chemical blueprint out through the pores of our skin.

We smell our expectations before we can make our own.

Think about it…..The quickest way to the brain is through the nose and the nose is the back door of your subconscious.  You don’t even know it’s happening.  You can take on someone else’s beliefs and not have any idea or recollection of it happening.

Middle-aged mom – “How the HELL did I become my Mother?!!”

But it doesn’t work on everybody.  Like for instance, if you walk into a room full of cult fanatics that are about to drink the kool aid, you’ll most likely “smell something fishy”.

Maybe, now just hear me out, maybe some of us can smell crazy?

When we smell a potent belief seeping heavily out a persons wet spots, instead of taking on that person’s belief, we instead interpret them as crazy?  So in a way, there are some people in the world who are immune to flocking with the sheep because they subconsciously interpret the “belief” pheromone as “crazy”.

Am I crazy?  I sound it.  Crazy is what crazy do.

Now, I have to be completely honest with you here.  I haven’t listened to this particular Podcast since the Camino and I may have gotten it confused with another episode called Fearless which is also an Invisbilia episode.  I listened to Fearless before the camino and I think I combined the two episodes together.  Maybe mice don’t smell pheromones, but snakes smell fear?  Ugh, I forgot dammit.

I should’ve blogged about it after I listened to it.  I remember most things I write about.

Listen to both episodes, they’re really good.  Everyone with an iPhone has the Podcast app preinstalled already so it’s easy to listen to them.

I love Podcasts…..I want to walk across Spain again just for the Podcasts.  I’m being serious.  I want to walk across Spain for a 3rd time this April.  It’s not going to happen though.  I’m sort of in deep shit with this lawsuit.  I’m going to have to pay my lawyer another $5,000 soon.

Anyway, what I was trying to say for this whole entire post is that my lawyer is like one of those participants watching all the dumb mice fumble through a maze.

How does he do that?  How does he fluster people enough to have them spill everything?  It’s like that magic trick, the one that mentalists do.  The best lawyers are mentalists.

I better stop writing or I’ll get insomnia.


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