What I came home to

I walked across Spain for the second time in my life for one reason and one reason only:  To lose weight.  Even more specifically than that, I walked across Spain with the intension of fitting into my pants again when I got back home.

FAIL

After everything I’ve been through….walking 500 miles, fasting and puking on ayahuasca for 7 days, my Bolivian belly beast that lasted for 5 days – and still, all I lost was a little over 10 pounds.

Hana is to blame.  She kept feeding me.  She would stick her fucking fork in my mouth even if I’d say “no thank you.”  And the girl was always hungry.  She’d order an exorbitant amount of food each time we stopped somewhere, I’m not embellishing.  She was an animal.  The most wasteful person I ever met.  And I’m the complete opposite!  I hate wasting food!

I just got a text message from one of my employee’s.  Apparently a small rodent died in the electric fireplace at work and it smells like fish.

Anyway, so yeah.  Goddamned Hana.

My Hana blues are starting to wane a bit.  It’s been 10 days without Hana up my butt every second.  It takes me 14 days to adapt to most things so another 4 and I’ll be back to my normal self like the trip never happened.

Another thing I came home to was my financial situation being in shambles.  I’m taking the proper steps to get myself out of it by actually working again.  But it’s going to take some time.  Months, not years.  As long as I work hard I should have the situation under control in a timely manner and pay off the $3,000 of debt I spent abroad.

And lastly, I came home to my room being trashed.  Even while I was thousands of miles away from the mess, I could still feel it.  The clutter and confusion being attached to me somehow.

The thing with me is, I’m not a messy person.  I love being organized and tidy.  It makes me feel light and skinny.  I can’t explain it, it’s an emotion.  But feeling organized and all caught up on everything makes me feel skinny.  When I procrastinate, it weighs me down and I swear pounds accumulate.

When I look around at my room after a good gutting-out, my eyes feel like they lost weight.

I shouldn’t say I like cleaning.  I hate dusting and vacuuming.  I don’t even like organizing my clutter all that much but what I DO like is throwing shit away.

I’m tackling my closet right now.  That’s the real beast.  I haven’t cleaned out my closet in at least 10 years and having that kind of meaty mess attached to me, it doesn’t matter how well I clean my actual bedroom, my closet always attracted more garbage into my life.

I started with my pants.  I tried on all my pants and the ones that no longer fit, but I still love, I stored them away for when I can wear them again.  I now have a handful of pants to wear, half of which are pajama pants.

I wear the shit out of my clothes.  All my pants have kinetic karma attached to them from that period of my life when they were first in the rotation.

I also came home to winter depression weather.  It gets dark at 4-fucking-30!  Before I left for my trip, the weather was still nice.  October crispy orange weather.  But not now.  Not anymore.  It’s snowy and it’s cold and dark.  Normally I’d like that, but coming home after 2 months of adventure every freaking day only makes me bored in real life humdrum.  Netflix doesn’t have the same effect on me.  I haven’t even played my video game yet.  Everything feels so lame and vanilla.  What kept me entertained in the past, is not working for me anymore.

I’m going to join a gym after my friend Stephanie visits us.  It’s a 30 minute class that acts like a miniature version of cross-fit.  I can get unlimited classes for only $69 a month.  I don’t want to do it, but shits gotta change.  And it’s not too far from my house.  I need to deal with this now while I’m still young.

Anyway, I better take a shower.  I have a client and a dead thing to deal with.

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