Day 7

I’ve been walking the Camino for a week now and It feels like I’ve gotten nowhere. 

 I stopped today at Estella, a full two days behind schedule.  I’m not in as much pain as I was yesterday thanks to ibrubrofen and wrapping my ankles in orthopedic socks, I could’ve went further but for the sake of my tendons, I stopped here.

I’m not at a romantic albergue.  It’s my least favorite so far on the Camino.  It reminds me of the YMCA.  I can hear kids downstairs playing indoor soccer and the echo sounds ethereal and creepy.  Especially when they scream. Like it’s a slow-motion scream.  My ears can’t focus.

I pet a stay kitten today who looked sickly.  I felt so freaking sorry for him.  I was in pain at the time and homesick which made me feel even worse for the kitten because he reminded me of me.  He followed me for a long time despite telling him to”shoo” and “scat”.  

It’s only 7pm.  I ate, washed my clothes, called home.  Calling home was the highlight of my day.  Both my parents pick up the phone and talk to me simultaneously.

I hate how people back home make such a big deal out of my trip.  My brother boasts to everyone on Facebook what I’m doing.  I don’t like it.  It’s not a big deal.  There are hundreds of thousands of others who did it, I’m not special.

I told my parents this today and my Dad responded with “well at least you’re doing what you want to do.  You’ll have no regrets on your deathbed.”

Me- “That’s true.  I just really want to write a book.  I’ll regret never trying to do that.”

Today is the first day I’m really missing home.  I miss everyone.  The first time I did the Camino, all of my friends hated me at the time.  And the ones who didn’t hate me, stopped talking to me.  But this time, each and every one of them are talking to me again.  Amy, Kristi, the girls I went to Nepal with….everyone.  They even threw me a going away party and a bunch of people came!

I don’t understand life at all.  Not in the least bit.  It’s scary how bad things happen without any power to stop or change anything.  Thinking about this will send me into the void, the dark place.  It’s the helplessness that gets me.  Helplessness is the opposite of choice and ayahuasca said we’re here to learn free will.  It’s sort of a big deal.

Physical ailments can really make you hate your backpacking trip.  I remember last time, the day my pain went away during my last Camino adventure, was the same day I started enjoying myself.  And I wasn’t missing anyone since they all hated me.  

But right now, I’m missing people.  And I’m worried about my tendons.  It’s a different pilgrimage than the last one.  Im in a different place mentally and it feels a bit more emotionally erratic.  Like I have more to lose this time around.

I’m strongest when I’m at my weakest.  My life has been vanilla as of late and I can’t  form my mental toughness.  I’m not living in the here and now with a “Fuck everything” attitude.

I love everyone so much but only because I’m scared of being alone.  I hate seeing people/animals suffer because I know too well how that feels.  And I hate feeling powerless to do anything for them.

I’m sentimental, selfish and scared.  Nobody should praise me for that.  It’s the reason why I love and the reason why I care.  It’s the worst way to be, it’s not real.

  I usually find the humor in everything but it’s hard when I’m tired and in pain.  But this is exactly the time when I NEED humor the most.

For this Camino adventure, I’ll find my laughter again.  That’ll be my goal.  When I make a joke out of everything, only then do I feel like myself.  All fear is obliterated.  All that I’m left with is the real stuff.

And this is the perfect time to accomplish this goal.  The best time to complete a goal is when it’s least convenient.  So when you feel it, you REALLY feel it.  The emotional connection to it is stronger and according to ayahuasca, you only learn through emotional connections.

I have 2 YouTube videos to upload but it takes forever!  There’s just not a good time to do it.  

I want to sleep but it’s too damn early!  

An old Japanese man sharing my room is already asleep in his bunk.  He’s so damn cute with his little blue wind-breaker, the billowy kind that all old Japanese men wear. 

 The bright Florescent lights were on when I walked in and he was there laying in his bunk.  I turned off the lights as I left.  

They’re all just too damn considerate, those Japanese.  They’re my number one favorite nationality.  I know I shouldn’t pick favorites….I have a strong love for Koreans too.

I’m so freaking dehydrated it’s not even funny.

Well, I guess I should find the WIFI to publish this post.  Then I want to look up how to pop my Achilles’ tendon.  I don’t think it can happen just  by walking a lot. I’m fairly flexible.  It probably happens to non-flexible people when their calves get too tight and it pulls too taught.  I’m just suffering from micro-tears and ensuing inflammation.  Inflmmation is what causes real damage, hence the ibruprofin.  It’s the friction from my tendons “sheath” is what I’m feeling.  Like a non-oiled piston.  Yeeouch!

I’m hoping tomorrow will mark the end of my ailments and I can start walking the shit out of this shit.

Im really happy with this IPhone 6 Plus.  I can type forever no problem on it.  Still though, videos capture so much more.

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