Shit……I just woke up.
I had bad dreams today. I can’t remember the specifics, but they weren’t good.
I always dream of vibrant colorful aquariums filled with beautiful exotic fish and today that aquarium shattered and cut up my hands as I tried repairing it. That’s the only dream I can really remember.
My Aunt Marie got diagnosed with terminal cancer and now she’s at a hospice center in Branford overlooking the water. She’s on so much medication that she can no longer speak and when she does, it doesn’t make any sense. When I was there, they shot her up with two vials of something. One was for anti-anxiety and the other was for pain.
It’s crazy how all this happened. The steps leading up to it. She was turned away 3 times by doctors telling her the pain was all in her head, until the 4th doctor told her she has 6 weeks to live.
Her daughter is my age, Christina. Her only child. Her husband died in the 80’s.
We have a huge family. Yesterday I met two cousins I didn’t even know I had. And last Friday there were over 20 of us visiting her in her hospital room. But it’s still not enough. We all went back to our normal routines after our visit, figuring out the next time (if) we can make it, while Christina is there everyday. All she really has is her daughter. No one else will be there to go through her belongings once she’s gone, or know what to do with everything, Christina is alone in it. No siblings and no more parents – completely alone.
It’s my job as an awesome person to make sure she never feels that way.
Yesterday during my visit, my cousin and I took a walk outside the hospice to gaze at the ocean. It’s there where she told me everything. My Aunts best friend from high school, Joan, stopped talking to her 5 years ago because my aunt had trouble getting around. So Joan dumped her for someone who could get around. She completely cut her out of her life with no explanation.
Christina – “She broke my mom’s heart. She never been the same after that.”
Me – “You’d think by that age people learn a little compassion.”
I know Joan. I used to work with her at a restaurant in Meriden. I always considered her weird. Always busy, no time for deep conversations, shallow really. She was always focused on the next big thing. Nothing seemed to sink in when you spoke to her.
I know exactly how it feels when a friend leaves you for no apparent reason other than them not needing you anymore. They become aggressively indifferent towards only you. It’s probably in the top 5 worst pains a person goes through.
My Aunt became increasingly depressed as she got older and needed to see a shrink.
Christina – “She’s been suffering long before she got her diagnosis.”
The old woman sharing a room with my aunt is 94 years old. A whole 24 years older than my aunt. If my aunt wasn’t so depressed all these years, she would have another 24 years to go. But 24 years of what? Of more depression? More suffering?
Depression…..if you seen my life up until these past few months, you’d say I had every right to be depressed. People would see why and understand. But it never quite got a hold of me. Rational Brain would call me a pussy, a cry baby.
Rational Brain – “Don’t wuss out on life you pansy.”
Sure I got lost a bit in that whimsical world of spirituality, where broken hearts go to get restored (clearly you can see those days if you scroll back a few years in my blog).
But I got up, dusted myself off, and focused all my efforts into a goal and dreamed of a better future for myself. That’s the trick right there. And now I’m living in that better future and life is wonderful these days. And now I have more goals, and an even brighter future than this one.
As for the p90X goes……I made it to day 2. Day TWO!!!! Before succumbing to summer mojito’s, parties and hangovers. And then this thing with my aunt….
I decided it’ll be a hell of a lot easier for me to just walk the damn fucking Camino again. Even though it sucks, it’s hell, it’ll be easier in a way. I won’t be distracted by Netflix or sleeping late. And I have everything I need for my trip. I don’t need to buy anything. The only thing I really need is a travel fork since the one I got is rusty. And one more pair of travel undies.
Last time I walked the Camino, I did it on one pair of underwear. My spare pair got stolen on the first day.
A huge reason why my aunt was so depressed was because of her health. She’s obese and can no longer exercise even if she tried. I’m vowing to never get like that. That’s why I have to do this now. I have to do it now before I start working again to save for a house. I never exercise when I’m loaded up with clients. It has to happen before then.
And I can’t go balls to the wall with my business, raking in fat stacks, not until this lawsuit is over. There would be no point to buy a house only to lose it in the end.
I’m shooting for September. I’ll buy my plane ticket last minute (because of the whole lawsuit fiasco) and fly Royal Moroc airlines. They are insanely cheap! I’ll fly straight to Madrid for $400, then hop a plane to Pamplona for $100, then taxi to St Jean Pied De Port. The whole trip will cost me around $2500. And I did it all before, I know exactly what I’m in store for and how to prepare for it.
Is losing 20lbs worth $2500 dollars? Now that’s the real question. But if I’m going to do it, September is the best time. And if I don’t do it, I’ll be struggling with this weight for years to come.
If my Aunt Marie decided to walk across Spain at some point in her life, that may have been the turning point for her to keep the weight off and discover how easier life is when you’re healthy and fit. There wouldn’t be any depression or cancer. All because of a measly 35 days spent in agony. I shouldn’t say agony, it can be fun.
My friend wants me to watch her house for two weeks in September, so I’ll have to leave after that. Shit, she just texted me back. I won’t be able to leave until October 5th. Oh well, it gives me more time to save and prepare.
Shit, it’s my friends birthday dinner today. I have to be there in an hour. I didn’t even shower yet. I’m a shitty person sometimes.