I thought this map was pretty cool. You can check it out here.
Monthly Archives: July 2017
I was at the bar the other day. Not sure which bar on which day, but the devil is in the details so I try to forget them.
Anyway, I was at the bar and a grown man playing Pokemon on his iPhone looked up at me as I strode by him. He took one glance before resuming his quest of capturing monsters.
I, like him, have trouble figuring out what to say to people if I accidentally make eye contact.
With my breath held, his sweaty eyes beaming into mine, the awkwardness, the itchiness, it was soon over when he turned back to his game.
I exhaled. Whew. Thank you for turning away.
My day is littered with these little moments. Or episodes I should say. They vary in degree’s of severity.
I find my friends sitting at a table and I join them. I join them by sitting down and politely sipping my beer while listening to them talk and balk and…..make eye contact. The more eye contact is made, the politeness of my sips become more and more aggressive. Beer dribbles down my chin and onto my shirt. I excuse myself to the restroom to tidy up but I’m not actually tidying up. I’m making eye contact with myself in the mirror.
Eye contact with myself is my specialty. I can do it for long stretches at a time before my face starts to look distorted in my peripherals.
“It’s just eye contact Melanie. The windows to the soul, the depths and breadths of man, truth incarnate, intimacy. A commitment to either do or don’t.”
After my secret pep talk, I rejoin the others in our shared quest to see who is the funniest and wittiest in the bunch and crown them king or queen for the night by bequeathing them with unrelenting eye contact.
That’s what makes America great!
It was too hot to hike, so I laid in bed listening to Awaken Online: Catharsis, an audiobook that got really good reviews on Audible. I Love it.
And I bought shit online.
One such thing that I bought is my plane ticket to Spain. I decided to buy it now because I was worried the price would go up. It cost $566 which ain’t bad I guess.
I bought a round-trip ticket to Santiago, that’s where my walk ends. I can bus it to the airport in less than an hour for my flight home. No fuss, no muss.
On the way there, however, I have a layover in Madrid which works out perfectly since I can hop out at Madrid and take a domestic flight to St Jean Pied de Port for $66. I found a small airport next to St Jean Pied de Port, I swear that airport wasn’t there last time I hiked the Camino.
I’m already dreading it…..the hike. I leave October 10th and come home November 19th which leaves me with plenty of time to complete it. It just sucks, having to do it again.
Okay, we all know how lazy I am, right? I’m fucking lazy. I worked today for a total of 20 minutes and for the rest of the day? Nada. I woke up at 12 noon and listened to my audiobook for about 8 hours. After the 8 hours, I bought a plane ticket to Spain so I don’t have to exercise or diet on a regular basis. I can lose the weight all at once in one month.
I’m too lazy to exercise so I’m hiking 500 miles across Spain. That makes about as much sense as me starting my own business because I don’t want to work anymore.
I’m accomplishing more as a lazy person than I’d ever hope to accomplish as a productive one, that is, aside from having babies and getting married. You either do or you don’t with those things, there’s no in-between. You can’t push a baby back into your uterus and I believe in only getting married once, otherwise, what’s the point? It’ll be like dating with a shared bank account. No thank you.
My Aunt Marie died Monday morning. If they did an autopsy, it would conclude she died from a drug overdose that the hospice kept pumping in her. She would’ve had a few more weeks, if not months – years even, if not for all those meds. But she couldn’t live with the pain.
These next two days are going to be hard. Wake and the funeral split up in two days.
She’s why I’m hiking the Camino again, really. Life’s too short.
Shit……I just woke up.
I had bad dreams today. I can’t remember the specifics, but they weren’t good.
I always dream of vibrant colorful aquariums filled with beautiful exotic fish and today that aquarium shattered and cut up my hands as I tried repairing it. That’s the only dream I can really remember.
My Aunt Marie got diagnosed with terminal cancer and now she’s at a hospice center in Branford overlooking the water. She’s on so much medication that she can no longer speak and when she does, it doesn’t make any sense. When I was there, they shot her up with two vials of something. One was for anti-anxiety and the other was for pain.
It’s crazy how all this happened. The steps leading up to it. She was turned away 3 times by doctors telling her the pain was all in her head, until the 4th doctor told her she has 6 weeks to live.
Her daughter is my age, Christina. Her only child. Her husband died in the 80’s.
We have a huge family. Yesterday I met two cousins I didn’t even know I had. And last Friday there were over 20 of us visiting her in her hospital room. But it’s still not enough. We all went back to our normal routines after our visit, figuring out the next time (if) we can make it, while Christina is there everyday. All she really has is her daughter. No one else will be there to go through her belongings once she’s gone, or know what to do with everything, Christina is alone in it. No siblings and no more parents – completely alone.
It’s my job as an awesome person to make sure she never feels that way.
Yesterday during my visit, my cousin and I took a walk outside the hospice to gaze at the ocean. It’s there where she told me everything. My Aunts best friend from high school, Joan, stopped talking to her 5 years ago because my aunt had trouble getting around. So Joan dumped her for someone who could get around. She completely cut her out of her life with no explanation.
Christina – “She broke my mom’s heart. She never been the same after that.”
Me – “You’d think by that age people learn a little compassion.”
I know Joan. I used to work with her at a restaurant in Meriden. I always considered her weird. Always busy, no time for deep conversations, shallow really. She was always focused on the next big thing. Nothing seemed to sink in when you spoke to her.
I know exactly how it feels when a friend leaves you for no apparent reason other than them not needing you anymore. They become aggressively indifferent towards only you. It’s probably in the top 5 worst pains a person goes through.
My Aunt became increasingly depressed as she got older and needed to see a shrink.
Christina – “She’s been suffering long before she got her diagnosis.”
The old woman sharing a room with my aunt is 94 years old. A whole 24 years older than my aunt. If my aunt wasn’t so depressed all these years, she would have another 24 years to go. But 24 years of what? Of more depression? More suffering?
Depression…..if you seen my life up until these past few months, you’d say I had every right to be depressed. People would see why and understand. But it never quite got a hold of me. Rational Brain would call me a pussy, a cry baby.
Rational Brain – “Don’t wuss out on life you pansy.”
Sure I got lost a bit in that whimsical world of spirituality, where broken hearts go to get restored (clearly you can see those days if you scroll back a few years in my blog).
But I got up, dusted myself off, and focused all my efforts into a goal and dreamed of a better future for myself. That’s the trick right there. And now I’m living in that better future and life is wonderful these days. And now I have more goals, and an even brighter future than this one.
As for the p90X goes……I made it to day 2. Day TWO!!!! Before succumbing to summer mojito’s, parties and hangovers. And then this thing with my aunt….
I decided it’ll be a hell of a lot easier for me to just walk the damn fucking Camino again. Even though it sucks, it’s hell, it’ll be easier in a way. I won’t be distracted by Netflix or sleeping late. And I have everything I need for my trip. I don’t need to buy anything. The only thing I really need is a travel fork since the one I got is rusty. And one more pair of travel undies.
Last time I walked the Camino, I did it on one pair of underwear. My spare pair got stolen on the first day.
A huge reason why my aunt was so depressed was because of her health. She’s obese and can no longer exercise even if she tried. I’m vowing to never get like that. That’s why I have to do this now. I have to do it now before I start working again to save for a house. I never exercise when I’m loaded up with clients. It has to happen before then.
And I can’t go balls to the wall with my business, raking in fat stacks, not until this lawsuit is over. There would be no point to buy a house only to lose it in the end.
I’m shooting for September. I’ll buy my plane ticket last minute (because of the whole lawsuit fiasco) and fly Royal Moroc airlines. They are insanely cheap! I’ll fly straight to Madrid for $400, then hop a plane to Pamplona for $100, then taxi to St Jean Pied De Port. The whole trip will cost me around $2500. And I did it all before, I know exactly what I’m in store for and how to prepare for it.
Is losing 20lbs worth $2500 dollars? Now that’s the real question. But if I’m going to do it, September is the best time. And if I don’t do it, I’ll be struggling with this weight for years to come.
If my Aunt Marie decided to walk across Spain at some point in her life, that may have been the turning point for her to keep the weight off and discover how easier life is when you’re healthy and fit. There wouldn’t be any depression or cancer. All because of a measly 35 days spent in agony. I shouldn’t say agony, it can be fun.
My friend wants me to watch her house for two weeks in September, so I’ll have to leave after that. Shit, she just texted me back. I won’t be able to leave until October 5th. Oh well, it gives me more time to save and prepare.
Shit, it’s my friends birthday dinner today. I have to be there in an hour. I didn’t even shower yet. I’m a shitty person sometimes.