My Dad woke me up today at 8am after I had a late night of 7-8 beers and little sleep.
Dad – “Mel”
Me – no answer
Dad – “MEL!”
Me – “Yeah…..”
Dad – “We’re leaving now for Atlantic city.”
Me – “Yeah….”
I fell back to sleep for what seemed like a few hours until I hear my Dad again outside my bedroom door….
Dad – “Mel”
I waited for the second, more boisterous MEL to jolt me awake, but it never came. Then I thought to myself, “what are they still doing here? Didn’t they leave?”
Me thinking – “Oh God, they did leave. So who’s outside my door?”
Rational brain – “It was an auditory hallucination, don’t panic. You’re still half asleep.”
Then my alarm went off about a minute after I heard ghost Dad calling me. I slammed on the snooze.
My brother’s in Rhode Island with my dog and I’m all alone in the house until Tuesday. I’m already creeped out. It sounded so real! An exact echo of this morning when my Pop first woke me.
I’ve had auditory hallucinations before but never like this. The crap I hear is usually heavy machinery, 20 TV’s turned on and blaring, one time when I was a kid I heard a news bulletin but I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying.
I only hear stuff when I’m super stressed, I drank too much, and/or had little sleep. It’s annoying when it happens. It is NOT a spiritual awakening, it’s science that we haven’t figured out yet.
But anyways, I made a pledge to myself that I’m going to start the p90X workout tomorrow. 90 days of pain. I don’t want to do it because it cuts into my laying around time, but I have no choice. And plus I left behind my only pair of sneakers in Italy – I need to wear sneakers or my ankles get sore (learned from last time I did P90X). So now I need to buy a pair of new freaking sneakers.
I’ve been hiking up my big little mountain most days. I push myself to do it and it has gotten way easier, but I still feel like a fat slug. I still don’t feel my best, my confidence is low. My pants aren’t getting any looser.
It’s taking way too long is what I’m getting at.
I’m highly determined when it comes to certain things but I’m equally as lazy. How can I be both?
I’m determined when it comes to things infringing upon my laziness. I can’t enjoy being lazy if I’m fat and progressively getting fatter – the enjoyment plunges and morphs itself into self-hate. I swear to god, I know I sound dramatic but it’s true. My favorite activity (laying around) becomes tainted, no longer care-free enjoyment if I can’t run to save my life. Eventually I’ll need one of those electric chair thingy’s to do my Walmart shopping in and clearly that’s unacceptable.
Why do I enjoy being lazy? Because that’s the place where everything settles at the bottom. The waters become still. I can finally think and clear my head, to see straight down into the muck of the person I am. No other activity welcomes me as much as mucking around the still waters. It demands so little of me (none of me if you want to get zen with it).
My laziness started around mid-May and now it’s June 25th. The chronic worry I faced during the initial onset of my retirement is subsiding and being replaced with insomnia.
I’m a night owl by nature. Night is when I come alive. And since I don’t have to wake up early anymore, the combination of being awake at night and sleeping in is seriously messing with my circadian rhythm. I had insomnia 4 days in a row last week and I haven’t suffered like that in years prior.
So tomorrow I’m going to FootPrints to buy sneakers, then heading back home to start day one of the P90X. It should quell my insomnia to some degree. Seriously, P90X is no joke. It’s an hour of pure ass-kicking.
These past 4 years of working 70 hours a week has taken its toll just as I knew it would. Yet another reason why I hate giving massage – it makes me fat.
But what blows my mind is – I foreseen all this happening. Almost like I planned it. I knew my body would be a wreck at the end but I also knew as soon as my time freed up, I would do something about it. I’m not just all talk. I’ve never been all talk. I planned for this and I’m actually following through.
As far as my business goes…..
Have you ever looked back on a certain time in your life when everything seemed easy and fun? Like an old job you out-grew, but loved the time you spent working there?
I’m horribly sentimental to a fault and I kept wondering over and over again ever since opening my business; “if I look back on this time in my life, would they be fond memories? Easy and fun, filled with loving people?”
The answer I always found myself with is No. No this is not a fun time and no I would not look back on it fondly.
That is until now. I’m living in that time right now. The time when everything is perfect. I can look back on this present moment and say, “Best time ever.”
I’ve been waiting for this moment since opening. And if you completely disregard the pending lawsuit, things will only get better from here on out.
I think things are good now but you just wait…it’ll get even better. You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.
My receptionist has a lot to do with it. She ties everything together. She’s even throwing us an employee party at her house which is ultimate in strengthening the bonds we share. The stronger the bonds, the more powerful the business.
I feel like I’m reliving my 20’s. The ease and flow of life when you’re young, it’s all coming back. Complete with care-free’s, no responsibilities, and following the fun.
When I look back on last summer, the only thing I remember about it is my spontaneous 5 days off. I had 5 days off in a row, it wasn’t planned. It just happened. The rest of the time was spent on stress and one disaster following another.
So far this has been the best summer of my life. Well, technically 1986 was my favorite summer since I thought it lasted an entire year (I was 6). I graduated kindergarten and waited for first grade to start but it never came. I remember asking someone if I had to wait a year until I can go to the first grade and they said, “it’s not a whole year, just the summer.”
But yeah….this is the best year of my life. I can’t get over it. And it’ll only get better! As long as I keep the weight off and stay healthy, age won’t be a bother. I have nothing but the best years still ahead of me. And it all began last month. It’s only been a month of this!
And according to my poor math skills, I’ll have an extra $2000 in the bank starting next month.
Don’t get me wrong, life still sucks. I can never stop the suck completely, it’ll always be there. All I’m trying to do is make the best out of the suck. Despite the suck, I will enjoy what there is. I laugh in the face of the suck.
I sat outside on our back porch today – just for a few minutes. I went out there to throw a recyclable away and as soon as I slid open the sliding glass door, I was hit in the face with a beautiful day. Literally, I felt it hit my face.
Me – “Wow, it’s so nice out.”
Me thinking – “We are floating in pitch-black darkness surrounded by nothingness. No air to breathe, no plant or animals, not even gravity. Nothing. Just coldness and the sporadic clump of debris that formed into an orb due to gravity. We are on such an orb. One orb of debris out of infinity.
I HAD to sit down to think about this. To look at the tree’s, the sky, feel the breeze, the colors and brightness, hear the birds chirping. How are we even here?
I’m part of the earth, it made me. I’m a natural part of it. But why me exactly? Why Me specifically? My thoughts don’t feel natural, they don’t feel born from the earth.
Language, which I feel is the deciding factor between beast and man, allows these unnatural thoughts to occur. Language creates a barrier between us and the universe. We are not it and it is not us. Language is nothing more than an evolved form of basic survival. It came strictly from ego, our fear of death. It’s both linear and restrictive and forms us into everything we are.
The sad truth is that there is no me. I’m nothing but just another animal born from science. No better or different from any other animal that lived. Language is the biggest obstacle that makes us think otherwise. Like we’re special, we’re separate. It’s the biggest lie ever told.
Once you grasp this, I mean REALLY grasp it, it shatters your world. You will suffer ego death (which feels like dying for real) and reemerge as the buddhist monk who ordered his hot dog “One with everything.”
It’s like you have to study really hard, learn all that you can and when you’re ready – forget it all. Wipe the slate clean because it’s all false, it’s limited thinking, it’s not as real as now.
But now you have a base-line to shoot from. If not for all you learned, you wouldn’t have a place to plant your feet. Language is a place holder. Until you swap it out for something better, what existed before you will continue to exist unchanged.
I’m clearly transfixing dammit. I hate when I do that.
Shit I hope I sleep tonight. I’m hungry.
Tomorrow is a big day filled with new sneakers and kicking my own ass.