I’m legitimately happy these days. Mainly because I stopped thinking about the lawsuit. I shouldn’t even bring it up. But the thing is, when something bothers me, I don’t shy away from it. I allow the emotions to sink in and I wallow. I feel the full spectrum of it, all the emotions have to offer.
Emotions, to me, are equivalent to experience. And since you only learn from experience (via an emotional connection), denying yourself the opportunity to experience all the shit storms life throws at you, there’s no point in living at all.
I’ll be a better person because of it. Not only better, but happier. I’ll have all my mental faculties in check since I didn’t deny the truth or dull my senses. And I’ll never get the Mean Red’s.
We’re subconsciously driven by pain and pleasure. This drive is so powerful that it’s not just in the subconscious do we experience it (or not experience it I should say), but we consciously decide pleasure over pain on a daily basis sometimes knowingly and sometimes not. And when things get too tough to handle, our brains shut down the neural pathways associated with the pain, virtually all of them in some catatonic cases.
You become a non-thinking vegetable. Non imaginative, non-creative, boring, defensive, stupid, scared vegetable.
I’m not much of a fighter. I go with the flow. I don’t even fight off nasty emotions that normal people struggle with. I feel EVERYTHING.
A nasty thought or emotion is like a parasite entering your skull and feeding off whatever supplies its nutrients. It’s a battle. But if you don’t fight it, there is no battle. And the initial nutrients that first entertained the idea eventually run dry once you turned it over in your mind so many times like kneading dough.
The trick is to always land on hope. And once you convinced yourself there is more hope than there is worry, you can let it go. You don’t even decide to let it go, it happens on its own.
And that’s where I’m at right now.
I consulted the I-Ching a while back, months and months ago, before I received the papers that I’ve been served. And the I-Ching said something bad will happen in August but it’ll clear up shortly after.
So I’m thinking August is the month this will all go down. My big apocryphal battle that took 3 years leading up to.
Anyway, until then, I’m going to keep doing what I’ve been doing because whatever it is, it’s working for me. I’m happy.