Sphincter Problems

I’m laying in bed at 3AM completely grossed out with myself.

I fell asleep around midnight and woke up a few hours later with a horrible taste in my mouth.  Only, the taste wasn’t in my mouth exactly, it was stuck in the back of my throat.  I went to clear the back of my throat and that’s when I learned that’s where the contents of my stomach migrated.

Ugh God.  Oh God no.  Why God?

It’s as disgusting as it sounds.  No, it’s worse than it sounds.  Much worse.  The textures and the smells wafting up through your nasal cavity, the slight burn of acid.

If you’ve never experienced this yourself, pray you never do.

I swallowed and nothing happened.  My stomach contents where still caught in the back of my throat.  Like an over-flowing pool.  Not only that, but swallowing was disgusting.

I never knew that clearing the back of my throat with an “eh-hem” happens as far back as the esophageal sphincter.  In fact, I thought that whole throat clearing business happened in the windpipe and not the food pipe.  I’m so confused.

But when I tried clearing my throat, it made matters worse.  Much worse with a simple “eh-hem”.

Don’t make that sound when your sphincter won’t close properly.  For the love of god don’t do it.

I sat up in bed and covered my mouth with my hand.

“What new hell is this?”

“I don’t feel nauseous.  I don’t feel sick at all!”

“It must be cancer.  Esophageal cancer.  The kind of cancer that makes your throat stop working.”

I started imagining how the surgery would go.  If I’ll have to wear a bag of some sort that held my stomach contents and then have to manually empty it each night with some kind of suctioning device that I have to push down my throat.

Goddamn imagination.  I smite you!

“It’s not food poisoning.  If it was poisoning, it’ll be coming out both ends.  Not only that but I’d feel real sick.  What the hell is happening?”

Rational Brain – “It’s most likely acid reflux.”

“But I never had acid reflux!  I never experienced this before and I didn’t eat anything I normally wouldn’t eat!”

Rational Brain – “What about that head cheese you had earlier?  And those 3 smoked meat sticks from the butcher?”

“But they were fresh from the butcher…..”

Rational Brain – “You ate a hamburger and a side of beans before you went to sleep, plus a shit ton of chocolate and washed it down with milk.  Milk mixed with a quarter pound of head cheese would make anyone gag.  What the hell is wrong with you?  I thought you wanted to lose weight?”

“Let’s Google this shit.”

Obesity can cause acid reflux.  And chocolate before bedtime can cause it.  They say to keep your head elevated and chow down on antacids.

I didn’t go hiking today because my feet were still sore from walking in Italy (I wore my trusty 7-year old worn out sneakers [no longer trusty]).  So instead I went to my brothers favorite butcher shop in Meriden to buy head cheese and meat sticks.  I gobbled up the head cheese, no, more like inhaled it in 10 seconds flat.  It was a bit vinegary.  And ate 3 meat sticks.

This is the first time I did anything like that.

Gross story long, I ended up throwing up.

Moral of the story:

I need to lose weight, not eat chocolate before bedtime and never eat head cheese or meat sticks again.

I’m going to take 2 more tums and see what happens when I lay back down.  Luckily my brother has all this stuff in the bathroom already.  I hope it’s not hereditary.  I never needed to take theses medicines before.  What does Imodium do?  Do I need Imodium?  Well, it’s there if I need it.

I mainly hate to think this is age related, you know?

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