I had a nice quiet day planned for myself. I was to get up, get my hair cut at my brother’s salon, check in at work, go hike up my big little mountain and then finish off the day with my blog at Cheshire Coffee. A perfect day. The perfect plan.
But it all came undone when I checked in at work. I was making confirmation calls (my receptionist is in Spain this week) and without going into the boring details, I was suckered into taking a client smack dab in the heart of the day (4:30pm is the heart). My original plan was blown to shit. On such a beautiful day too.
So instead, when I was done massaging, I took my $10 tip and bought myself a quart of beef Pho from the Thai place. Then I went home to watch season 2 of Sense 8 with my dog.
Just as I was about to click on Sense 8, Netflix suggested that I watch Anne with a E.
Me thinking – “What is Anne with an E? Did they remake Anne of Green Gables?”
“I’ll just watch the first few minutes of it to see how it compares to the old one.”
And here I am at 11 o’clock at night with Netflix asking me if I’m still watching.
“STFU Netflix, don’t judge me. Yes I’m still watching!”
I’m on the start of episode 4 season one. It’s better than the last remake. They picked the perfect actress to play Anne this time. I can NOT stop watching.
And this my friends, is my Tuesday.
Have you ever found yourself perfectly content, enjoying some mundane activity and then you catch yourself enjoying it? Almost like you’re looking at yourself from third person POV, kind of spying on yourself, and you ask yourself, “Melanie? What the hell are you doing….What is this….Is this your life now?”
Have you ever done that? Because I do it at least once an hour.
“Melanie, what are you doing….”
When I smoke pot, this third person point of view is resounding. Demanding attention. Scolding me and calling me a fool. For stupid things too, like for staying up late when I can no longer keep my eyes open.
Pot- “What the fuck is wrong with you?!! If you’re tired, GO TO SLEEP!”
It happens with other people too. “What the hell are they doing? Do they even know what they’re doing?” Again, it’s a hundred times worse when I smoke pot. I can’t smoke around others because they all seem fake somehow. Fake and scared. Not everyone, but mostly everyone.
It’s like I’m forever in third person. I feel this way when I hike. My body isn’t connected to my head. When I walk, I feel too high off the ground, too clumsy. I’m like a scarecrow, full of straw with my arms flipping around whenever I stumble on a rock. Like I have no bones in me. I can’t see myself. It’s like I’m walking blind.
It’s hard to explain, and no, I’m not high right now, but those words are the best I can describe it.
What are you doing Melanie…..what are you doing.
I’m tired but I want to watch one more episode of Anne.
“These episodes are long! They’re like an hour.”
Pish posh I’ll have none of that. I do what I please.
I keep looking at myself wishing myself into normalcy. I’m scared is what it is. Not the mean reds, not depression kind of scared, but scared of unhappiness. I’m scared of being unhappy. And that fear is keeping me from everything. It keeps me away from romance, from having kids, from wanting a 9-5 job.
I believe everything will happen in time, when I’m ready. And what makes me happy now is watching Anne of Green Gables….I can’t help it. I can’t help being happy now at this very moment in my little life. It’s like a secret I have to keep. I’m not supposed to feel this way. I can’t be content now, not when there’s so much more I need to do.
There’s a push and pull in me, always. Just enough tension in my fraying elastic.
But all I can do is wait and see how everything plays out. I can’t make my next move. Not until this lawsuit is over, which already wreaked havoc on my psyche.
So let me enjoy these few simple moments. These precious free days that I worked years to acquire.
What am I doing? I’m taking one day at a time. That’s what I’m doing.