The Mean Reds and The Honky Tonk Blues

My employee’s get paid 3 times next month.  June 1st is their first pay period and I’ll not have a lick of cent in my bank account.  My bank account, if it were to be opened like a wallet, would cough up dust and tumble weeds.  An old cowboy outlaw would jump out of it demanding money before collapsing to the dirt complaining about the arthritis in his knee’s.

It’s weak.  My finances are very weak.  It can’t even steal money from anywhere.

After I charge my members, I’ll have some money in there, but I charge my members on the same day my employee’s get paid.  Technically my employee’s get paid first, then I’ll get member money deposited a few hours later.

I’ve lived through this before, but this time around is more stressful due to the lawsuit.  And my Italy trip.  And I don’t want to sell Groupons/work anymore.

There are a few things in my favor though, the groupons are nearly done and one employee is taking the next 2 months off, and I’m not in as much debt as I used to be.

This is the second day in a row where I don’t have any clients.

I’m going to take a shower and go hiking.  If I don’t take a shower as soon as I wake up, I end up not taking one at all and I stay home because I feel disgusting.

It feels wonderful not having to work, but it’s bittersweet.  I’m bordering on depression.  All stemming from worry.

Depression sneaks up on me.  It goes through the backdoor and sets up camp in the daily activities section of my brain.  It makes me not want to do anything.  And I don’t even realize I’m depressed, I just feel lethargic and numb to the outside world.  All I want to do is stay home and sleep.  And I still don’t attribute it to depression.

I never realized I was depressed, but I think it’s a different monster for everyone.  And I bet most people don’t even know they’re depressed until they’re contemplating suicide.

For me personally, it’s not a mean red monster like it was for Holly GoLitely, I know what’s bugging me.  I’d say I have more a case of the blues.

I’m using Breakfast At Tiffany’s model of depression and adding my own personal twist.

Holly Golitely said she had a case of the Mean Red’s.  “I’m scared, but I don’t know what I’m scared about.” – That outlook is classic depression.

But as for the Mean Blues, I’m scared, but I know what I’m scared of.

And who can blame me?  So, I’ve got the blues.  Blue’s are curable though.  Sometimes all it takes is a good song or a beer to cheer you up.  To forget your problems.  But the mean reds never go away.

I feel like anyone who doesn’t get the blues at least a few times a year are just kidding themselves.  Ain’t nobody that happy.

And if you ignore the blues, if you fight them back and pretend you’re happy, that can lead to the mean reds because you’ve lived in denial for so long, you literally fooled yourself into thinking everything is okay when it clearly isn’t.

That’s when the mean reds creep up on you.  You don’t know why you’re sad.

I’ve got the honky tonk blues.  But I’m going to get up, take a shower, and hike up my big little mountain.  Maybe I’ll stop at Cheshire Coffee on my way home and bring my laptop.  And I need to stop at the bank to deposit all the cash money I saved, and stop at work too.

It’s not one problem that can bring a man down, it’s compound problems.  If you don’t acknowledge all these problems, all it takes is for one of them to shift into red (forgotten), and you’ll be dealing with a whole new monster.  Even if the problem was small to begin with.  Shit grows like moss.

I swear, how can sane people not keep a journal?  How do they keep everything together in their head?  But then again, I don’t know many sane people….many honest people.

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