Monthly Archives: April 2017

I WANT TO MOVE OUT!!

For the sole purpose of not having to live in squalor.

I’m a huge fan of feng shui.  HUGE.  But since my brother took over the downstairs, it looks like we live at an indoor flea market.

I stepped on something sharp earlier and bled all over the linoleum, couldn’t find what stabbed me amongst the debris.

The cheapest condo I could find in Cheshire is $89,000, I’ll need a $18,000 for the down payment.  But there’s a much nicer condo for $135,000 in which case I’ll need $30,000.

I have almost $2,000 saved in cold hard cash hidden in my bedroom, but I’m using that for when I go bankrupt from that stinkin’ lawsuit against my business.

And I’m still $12,500 in debt.

Which means I’m fucked.

But get this……just listen……I’m starting to have free time again.  Lots of free time!  The business can stand on it’s own legs without me there.  My mind is already spinning with new business idea’s.

I cleaned my car and tidied up my bedroom today – I only clean when my brain has free space, when I’m not overly worked or stressed.  I clean when I’m happy.  That’s what brought on my wanting to move out.  A nice clean slate with ample room for all my shit.

But until then, I need $30,000 for a downpayment.

It’ll take forever for my business to come up with that kind of money and I don’t have forever, not anymore.  I’m already 30 fucking 7 years old!

When I make up my mind to do something – it’s urgent.  Always urgent.

As for my massage business, we’re rated 5 out of 5 stars on Groupon from of over 500 votes.  We are creme de la creme, cream of the crop, A number one, KING OF THE HILLLLLLL.

And since I hired a receptionist, I feel she ties everything together.  She takes pictures and tapes them up in the break area along with notes and reminders.  I smile whenever I see one.  It’s like, she really loves it there.  She gets it.

I feel successful, kinda sorta.  In my own unique way.  But I’ll never feel it fully until I own my own place.  Even if it’s a shitty place, I don’t care.

May 1st is Monday, my first official day off the work schedule.  But I still have two clients that day…..I know, I know.  I have trouble saying no to people.  And then I have one on Thursday and another on Saturday.  And then that’s it.

But if I’m serious about this condo thing, I might need to put myself back on the schedule and sell a shit ton of those signature couple’s massages again.  If I sell 100 of them a month for 5 months, I can afford the downpayment for the condo in about 5 to 6 months.

I don’t know…..we’ll see.  First I want to see how much I make without selling Groupons.  100 a month is a lot and would definitely require my hands.

Everything is such a process.  A long lengthy process.

Today I woke up at 9:00, went to work for one client, came home and napped while listening to my audiobook for almost 3 hours, woke up and ate grilled cheese and tomato soup and then finished the day with Netflix.  Well, technically I’m finishing it off with my blog.  I can’t believe it’s 1:00AM already.  I’m not even tired.

One of my therapists cut her thumb open and needed stitches so I’m taking her clients tomorrow which is fine, it’s extra money towards my debt.  Besides, I ain’t got shit to do.

I can handle being on-call for when therapists call out.  “It’s extra playing money”  is how I see it.  I’ll be making at least $100.  But having to do it every day?  No sir.

This is a good set-up.  A win win really.  But that 30 grand…..so far out of reach.

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One More Day

I paid off $43,000 of debt in the last 12 months.  Call me crazy, but I’m more proud of that than anything else I’ve accomplished in this life.  In perspective, it’s kind of sad that my proudest moments revolve around debt.

I still have $12,500 left to go but with the groupons now expired, I have a clean slate to start all over again.  Paying off $12,500 won’t take long at all.  Not only that, but it’ll be paid while I sit home and do nothing.

I still can’t believe it.  The sitting home part I mean.  Last year during the summer I somehow ended up with 5 free days to myself.  I still remember it so clearly.  Each day felt like a blessing, but I had that uneasy feeling I get when leaving my business unattended.  This time however, I have a receptionist.  Not only a receptionist, but a better crew in general than I had last year.

If I were to have 5 days off again, I won’t have to suffer through that uneasy feeling.  At least, not as much as before.

Tomorrow, Sunday April 22, 2017 will be my last and final busy day on the schedule.  I have 4 clients.  After that, I have one or two clients every day next week and starting in May, I’ve got no one.

I know tomorrow is my last big day, but it’s hard to comprehend it emotionally.  All I’ve been doing for the last 4 years was work and sleep.  And just when I thought I could take a breather from it all, I was shortly back at it taking clients again.  That’s why it doesn’t feel real this time.  I’m not as excited as I should be.

*******************

My friend who owns the massage place next to me is working a LOT.  I see her car there every time I pull into the parking lot.  I saw she put herself on Groupon and I remember those days when it was just me with all those groupon clients coming in – I wouldn’t want to re-live that again, but I had peace of mind and stable income.  And the understanding that it’s only temporary.  It was actually less stress than having employee’s.

But I can’t help feeling responsible for her having to put herself on Groupon.  I did move into her territory after all.  And we do massage roughly 20 clients a day.  I’m scared to text her because anything I say will have a negative impact.

Has that ever happened to you?  No matter what comes out of your mouth, it sounds bad?

“So, how’s work?”  “How’ve you been?”  “Want to grab lunch?”

All those questions are annoyances when coming from the mouth of the source of your stress.

“No I don’t want fucking lunch!  I’m elbow deep in body grease because of you, you fool!”

We’re in the same industry and the only way I can escape the nickel and dime toil of it all was to join the ranks of business owners.  But it comes at a price.

As for another friend….

One of my friends is going through a tough time right now.  A really tough time.   And she wants me to hire her.

It’s not going to happen.  There are many reason as to why I’m not hiring her, I’ll tell you the biggest reasons…

She’s a drug addict.  Drug addicts steal.  And they don’t come any more broke than she does.

Her brain no longer works properly because of the drugs.  She talks like she’s manic, in a frenzy, can’t calm down.  And she speaks like she has marbles in her mouth.

She’s one of those people who thinks they know it all, but has no idea.  She may even be combative.

If she walked in off the street for an interview, I wouldn’t hire her.

The worst part is, she told me she’d work for free.  Just to have something on her resume.  How the hell am I going to get around that obstacle?  I don’t want her here at all!

Last night on the phone she was talking in her marbled, manic way, trying to convince me to hire her.

Her on the phone – “Did I sell myself to you?  How’d I do?”

I felt like I was going to puke.  I felt horrible.  I mean, what kind of “friend” am I?  I’m no friend at all.  Friends don’t do this.  But there’s no way she’s going to work for me, not even for free.

Me – “Well, I’m being sued right now so ……”

Her – “Let me handle your lawyer, I can do all the paperwork and he can speak to me directly.”

It’s almost like what I wrote about before, how everything out of your mouth sounds bad, no matter what it is.  It was like that with her last night and I wanted it to stop.

And the kicker…..this is the same girl I was literally in love with when I was 21 years old, 16 years ago.  I never loved anyone as much as I loved her, I still haven’t.  It’s the honest to gods truth!

But now…..now…..holy shit how the hell did this happen?  How can emotions shift so drastically like that?  Well, it’s been 16 years but still…..I’ve never felt anything as strongly as that only for it to be erased completely.

Shit I have to take a shower.

Today I got up, went to work to give a massage, came back home and played my video game, went back to work for one client, went home and played my game again.  I haven’t showered and I’m supposed to go out for my friends b-day party at a roller rink – yes a bunch of 37 year olds at a roller rink – it sounds fantastic!  I have to be there in exactly one hour.

But even on days like this when I only have 2 clients, it still wears me out.  There’s no way around it.  It’s why I’ve stopped exercising.  It’s why I stopped doing…..anything.  I literally don’t do anything anymore.

But it’s all going to change.  It’s going to change after next week.  I still can’t believe it.

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The Second Day of April

Only 28 more days until emancipation.

My thoughts are still positive, I’m hanging in there.  Doing good.

I swear my good vibes have everything to do with my stupid fantasies while I massage clients.  I fantasized about Oprah today.  She was interviewing me about my number one best selling book and I told her that I’m voting for her in the next election.

This abnormal good mood has got me thinking…..

I’ve heard from several sources that the brain can’t tell the difference between fantasy and fiction.  Or rather, I should say the body can’t tell the difference.

i.e, If you fantasize about running, your legs get stronger.  Dream about hitting a home run, it becomes easier to do in real life.

What if….now just hear me out for a moment……what if nothing is real unless the body thinks it’s real.

If you tell your body “this is really happening”, your brain get’s flooded with hormones associated with the vision you’re having.  It’s basically like taking a happy pill, or in some cases, viagra.

I’m not sure if this works with depressed people who actually need pills though…..Some people are depressed because nothing makes them happy, they have no happy fantasies other than that of bringing people down, making them feel as shitty as they do.

But if a person is depressed because they have no down time to ponder and dream, well, I seriously think this will work for them.  It’s like a free therapy session.

And lately I’ve been averaging 3-4 therapy sessions a day.

People like to call this process “Creative Visualization” but all it really is, is delving into your fantasies, day dreaming.  The worst thing anyone can do is to complicate this with fancy words, write a book about it and tell you how to do it.

Bull.  Shit.

I don’t care who you are, everyone know’s how to fantasize.  Being able to anticipate what will happen next is probably the greatest asset to the human race.  Anticipate and plan, how else would we have made it this far?

We literally created this world, this society, with vision.  With fantasies.

Just think if the world were void of fantasies.  Nothing would be planned out, no considerations taken – we would live like animals, like beasts.  No imagining what it’s like to be in another mans shoes.  No dream homes or dream vacations.  No dreams.

No children playing house, or playing with toys, no pretend or make-believe, no books, no plays, no shows, no movies, no inspiration, no want’s – just needs.

Since when did wanting something become bad?  As opposed to need?  You can want money, tons of it, but when money becomes a need….need becomes greed.  I’ll write about that later, possibly a different post.  Too long to fit it here tonight.

I believe you should always want and never need.  “Need” breeds thoughts of lack, thoughts of fear.  It’s all perspective.

There’s got to be some kind of kinetic symbiosis, a synergy between mind and body, action and heart.  Believe and do.

Friggin’ fantasies man….

In other news…..

You remember my crazy aunt and OCD cousin?  Yeah well, they both moved to Tennessee to be closer to my aunt’s other son, the normal one, hoping he can share the burden of OCD cousin.  Perhaps finally getting the help he needs.  That was the plan at least.

Just as I suspected, her other son wasn’t much help.  Not only was he no help, but my aunt’s mind started slipping.

I knew this would happen.  Her “normal” son being too busy with his own life.  And I knew that OCD cousin would cling to my aunt like a wet nappy, eventually collapsing her wall of lies, driving her mad.

The apartment superintendent took on the role of orderly, my mom would call him to have him check in on her sister.

I’m talking about the woman who destroyed my life for nearly 10 years.  A woman whom I couldn’t even look at, let alone talk to.  Who called me names, lied about me, drained my fathers retirement fund, almost ruined his house…..ruined our happy home.

That woman is sitting upstairs as we speak.

With her mind gone, she remembers nothing of the past.  She bought me a Hershey’s candy bar and became so excited when it came time to hand it to me.

Mom – “She’s been holding onto it all day, bringing it everywhere.”

Aunt – “Here, I knew you’d like it.”  It looked like it had melted and solidified a few times over.  She handed it to me with the proud enthusiasm of a child.

I used to pity my aunt.  I felt sorry for her.  I felt sorry for her before she moved away and lost her mind.

There’s a difference between pity and compassion.  There’s a distasteful disconnect there – like a judgment, when you pity someone.

How am I supposed to judge my aunt now?  With her four missing front teeth and her feeble child-like mind?

When you’re unable to judge someone, you can’t pity them.

Where does judgement come from?

Rational Brain – “It’s a comparison between yourself and another person.  If you take pity on someone, you’re essentially placing yourself higher than the person you are judging.  Feeling better about yourself because you are not them.”

Notice how we don’t judge the mentally disabled?  The crippled?  The poor starving child?

We don’t judge them because we don’t blame them.

Why do we blame others?  Because they should know better?  They should help themselves?  God helps those who help themselves, after all.

Where does this blame, this anger and disgust come from?

I wrote in a past post that it comes from our own feelings of helplessness (I wrote a long post about it, I won’t get into tonight).  It means we have no power to change things.

We want to control, to manipulate.  But hopelessness stops that from happening.  It’s why we war.

As far as my aunt goes…..the past doesn’t matter anymore.

Impermanence is what’s real.  Nothing lasts forever.  People destroy themselves.  They either learn from their mistakes or are destroyed by them.

Opinions change, perspectives change.  But there remains one constant Truth.  The white and black wolves.  Blame and responsibility.  Cowardly versus bravery, wrong versus right.

Fantasies edge you closer to knowing the differences between these things.

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It’s now April 7th.  My good mood has left the building.  It’s so far gone that I’m back at pitying my aunt, going as far to think that she’s faking her mental disability.

At least I never have to see her.

OCD cousin is still living in Tennessee, living alone with no car, no money or job.  He lives on disability checks.  I’m almost positive he’ll be kicked out of his apartment due to causing water damage of some sort.  My family unanimously agreed he’s no longer welcomed in this house.  His brother that lives in Tennessee with him has practically disowned him.

My good mood is gone in part due to exhaustion.  By massaging too much.  I tried to slip into my fantasy world while massaging, but my body didn’t agree to it.

Like I wrote before, nothing is real unless the body thinks it’s real.  And as of late, it screams exhaustion.  I couldn’t fantasize even if I tried.

Even worse, my exhaustion perpetuates itself with more exhaustion.  My fantasy world turned dark, resenting massage, resenting the lawsuit, feeling hopeless – and my body, being as tired as it is, agreed with it.  It screamed,  “Yes I’m fucking tired of it!”

This is the first day in a long while where I got to sleep in.  I only have two evening appointments.

I fully remember now why I don’t want to massage anymore.  I always seem to forget.

I think the worst will be over and done with by April 16th.  Most of the groupons will be either expired or redeemed by then.  Then I can retire myself and continue my initial plan of paying off my debt and saving for a house – not giving a second thought on the lawsuit since it’s out of my hands at this point.

I just have to make it until the 16th.

I’m so completely miserable.  So angry.  So annoyed.  How can this happen?  April 2nd, I felt fine.  I was peaceful and content with myself.  And now I’m evil incarnate.  And I can’t fight it, I can’t break it down to understand it.  I can’t beat it.

It’s like, will I always have to live with this feeling of unease?  I should know the answer to that is no.  Nothing is permanent.  Change is inevitable.

How can the answer be this simple…..that I’ve been massaging more, under a lot of stress from clients trying to book appointments last minute – how can it be that simple?  I’m having trouble believing that this feeling will be over in approximately 10 days.  It’s never been over, so why should I believe it now?

My demons will end up destroying me.  Just like they destroyed everyone who came before me.  My doubt, my fear.  I really hope I’m not lying to myself because I at least have that going for me.  If I am lying to myself, I’m a damn good liar.

I tell you what though, if Mollie and Melissa were here to take my clients, I would’ve run out of money weeks ago.  It’s weird how stuff like that keeps happening.  Horrible things that turn into good things.

When I was standing on the roof of that Hotel in Bangkok, I decided to just go for it.  To hire an aesthetician and add facials.  But I couldn’t buy facial products without having business insurance first.  The only reason why I had business insurance at that time was because of those damn facials and I’m thanking the stars and heavens now for having got it.

And I wouldn’t have moved my business as quickly as I did if it weren’t for the vandalous acts of one employee.  My business was failing at that old place and I was losing my head with having to wash sheets.

It’s like, my business would’ve failed ages ago if these horrible things/choices never transpired.  It’s nuts but it’s true!  Everything keeps righting itself.  And it rights itself by disasters.

I don’t believe in miracles, but I believe in disasters.  What if disasters are the miracles?  Ayahuasca said we only grow through suffering, so disasters make sense.  They especially make sense if they get you to your desired goal.

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I just took a shower and I’m starting to feel better already.  Not as miserable as before.  I only have 2 clients today, not enough of them to exhaust me, and I have strength for some good old fashioned daydreaming.  But it all unravels tomorrow.  I’m fully booked and my receptionist doesn’t work on the weekend.  It’ll be misery through and through.

It’s weird though, how exhaustion can impact you like that.  It completely warps your thoughts.  Any little thing sets you off.  It’s no wonder why I want to be left alone, to get away.  I don’t want to be exhausted anymore.

According to the numbers yesterday, we have 108 signature couples massages that are not yet expired and 143 single person massages.  All will be expired by the end of this month, most of them before April 25th.

I guess I should publish this shit.

Either exhaustion warps my thoughts, or I really am bi-polar.  Either way, I think I have a handle on it.  As long as I have days like this, where I can sleep in and blog a little.

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