It’s a rainy Friday afternoon. I’m still laying in bed. I slept until my receptionist woke me up with a text message at 11:30. “I broke my thumb and need to leave early today.”
I decided not to worry about the impending lawsuit and just focus on my original plan of paying off my debt and retiring from massage.
I’m not in denial or anything, it’s just that, what else can I do? It’s entirely out of my hands. I feel I made the best decision by going to a lawyer and not my insurance companies, the rest is not up to me.
I’ll be able to pay off the $5000 I spent on my lawyer by April 20th. That’s the plan at least. And I’ll be back to my original debt amount like nothing happened.
I have about 160 signature couples massages left to be redeemed by the end of April. The business is fully booked for the next 2 weeks.
But things are strange for me, more so than usual in my current situation. I’m actually in a good, happy mood.
And here’s the kicker – having to massage people is the reason why I’m in a good mood. I’ll get to the details in a moment. For those of you who read my blog, you know how much I hate massaging people.
I’ve had tons of jobs in the past, the worst of them being Bloomingdales by Mail and having to take phone orders all day. To me, it was the seventh circle of hell while to others, it was easy money.
Why is this? Finding out why I hated that particular job so much was key into understanding my uniqueness, my quirks – what I want out of life and who I am.
I’m a thinker. That’s all it comes down to. I want my brain space, my true freedom.
It’s like when Andy came out of solitary confinement and he had that quiet smile on his face. He told Red that he was listening to classical music the entire time. “They can’t take my true freedom away, and that’s all up here.” As he points to his head.
It’s exactly like that, the analogy can’t get any better.
Working at Bloomingdales, each phone call acted like a drip of Chinese water torture. I was never able to “catch” myself before the next call came in. My freedom, gone from me entirely.
I am a thinker. Beyond normal measure if you compare me with those hundreds of thousands of people who answer phones all day and enjoy it (or at least, accept it).
I’m as big a thinker as you can get. I think that’s why I hated doing homework so much – It taken up all of my head space.
Wait wait wait, hear me out. I know I sound like a narcissistic prick, okay? All high and mighty and shit. But just listen.
Being a thinker is the reason behind everything that I am, and all that I do. I understand all too well what Andy meant. All too well.
I didn’t go to college mainly because I didn’t want to end up in a 9-5 career that I hated. I don’t want a boyfriend or to have kids because it eats away at my head space, having close friends wanting to hang out all the time has always been a challenge too.
Every decision that I made, apparently sub-consciously I made these decisions, were all for the purpose of saving my head space, saving my one true liberty from being taken away from me.
How did I figure this out? Yesterday, while I was massaging.
It made perfect sense, like a zing to my chest. I LOVE thinking.
I’ve been massaging a lot more lately since I fired Melissa, my one employee who annoyed me to no end, and Mollie is still out sick with pityriasis rubra pilaris. And during my massage sessions, I fantasize. My fantasies are endless. I hate waiting in-between clients, I count the seconds until my next client arrives so I can go there again, into my head.
But my thoughts are more powerful lately. They have a hold on me. With all that’s going on, it’s as if I’m “burying my head” with my own head – just to escape, to get away.
I’m letting go of worry, but what’s replacing it is a dazzling spectrum of color and possibilities. I want to keep going back to it, back to my dreams where they become real.
My business is undoubtedly successful aside from this last remaining obstacle. I believe the reason for my good mood is knowing that I did it. I made a business that would sustain me without having to work. I actually did it. I’m one month away from it, but still….I’m so close.
I’ve been working my entire life waiting for this. To reclaim my full brain space – to have all the freedoms my mind has to offer without the disruptions of worry, of debt, of being owned by someone or some thing.
What do I want to do with my life? My free time? I want to think. I want to spend it on thinking, on solving problems and puzzles of my choosing.
Massage allows me the freedom to enjoy my head space like no other menial labor job can do. The downside? I hate massaging because that’s all that it allows for, unrealized dreams. I resent massage for keeping me away from my real dreams. And the act of massaging someone is boring. If I didn’t have my thoughts, the boredom of massage will literally kill me one day.
But now that I’m this close to not having to give massages anymore, I don’t mind doing them. My thoughts while giving massages are so encouraging and uplifting, that they are saving me from myself.
When I’m home, I have many distractions. Whether it be my blog, audiobooks, naps, researching articles online, playing a video game (Yakuza 0), or binge-watching a new show I discovered (Homeland), I don’t have the mind space like I do when I massage people.
I resent the act of giving massages so much so, that I give myself no option but to think of the time beyond massage and what awaits me there.
This is deeply complicated to think about, but it’s without flaw. Doing a job I hate is saving my life. What do I mean by “life”? Life is nothing to me if I can’t have my thoughts. Massaging forces me into that space between my ears. It forces me to remember what all this is for. And why fighting for this business is important, not an ego thing, or a stubborn thing – it’s fighting for a freedom that I long for.
For the longest time I thought everyone was like me. We all want passive income and to travel, to have fun. But I swear I must take it on a whole new level. The level that I take it on, to me, feels dangerously close to mental breakdown. As it is with flying too close to anything. But at the same time, I’m not hiding or limiting myself to anything.
It’s like, these aren’t just fanciful thoughts of whimsy, but more like an embodiment. I AM everything that I want. Who I am is congruent with my desires. There’s no discord, no hypocrisies.
Outwardly I portray an innocent person, someone who I thought I’d grow out of with age. But that innocence isn’t about being trusting, naive or stupid – the innocence that people see is in fact, truth. I am nothing but. I exemplify simplicity. I am what I am.
And the truth is, who I am and what I want, I want to get the fuck away. I want to sink into my head for months at a time. I fantasize about living in an underground bunker. My parents basement will do for now.
When I’m in work massaging people, I feel like I’m stepping closer to my goals. When I’m home, like I am now, I don’t feel in control. Like I’m missing something. I’m not doing all that I should be doing. I’m going to miss important calls or what if disaster strikes? Whether it be the internet’s not working, employee’s late, clients not able to book, lagging behind schedule – mostly stupid shit but still.
In May, once the schedule clears, there will be less disasters.
Anyway, I should shower, eat, and head to work. Tomorrow is April fools. The beginning of my last month of massage. It will be the busiest we faced in history, the hardest of them all. My second to last obstacle, aside from the lawsuit which is sure to surpass all others. My two remaining pitfalls.
I want to write once again about what ayahuasca told me all those years ago….that all of this isn’t real. It’s all meaningless. I need to let it all go and enjoy the ride, to have fun with it. And to always do the courageous thing and not the cowardly thing. That’s the only way to let things go.
When you take that advice to heart, it gives you perspective outside the box. A perspective you’ll never obtain if you never connect with the emotions associated with it.
When none of it matters, only then you are free.
You become everything you wish to be.
If you can understand this, to be able to connect emotionally with it – you’ll see that it’s the key to everything. When all else falls away, all you’re left with are desires. Everything is based on desire. But you have to let them go in order to gain everything.
Ayahuasca showed this to me. The imagery was so precise, so complete.
You have to do things as if it doesn’t matter if you win or lose – it ultimately doesn’t matter either way. But even if it doesn’t matter, wouldn’t you rather win? That’s desire. The desire you’re left with after all else falls away, but it’s a different kind of desire, more like choice.
To go further with that, deeper down the rabbit hole, ayahuasca told me that there is no such thing as hope or faith. Either believe or don’t believe, do or die. Every choice we make is steeped in karma, in fear. We make these choices subconsciously and have no control over the outcome until we learn not to fear. We learn not to fear when we learn to let go.
I really have to go, I’m gonna be late for work.