Monthly Archives: March 2017

About Me

It’s a rainy Friday afternoon.  I’m still laying in bed.  I slept until my receptionist woke me up with a text message at 11:30.  “I broke my thumb and need to leave early today.”

I decided not to worry about the impending lawsuit and just focus on my original plan of paying off my debt and retiring from massage.

I’m not in denial or anything, it’s just that, what else can I do?  It’s entirely out of my hands.  I feel I made the best decision by going to a lawyer and not my insurance companies, the rest is not up to me.

I’ll be able to pay off the $5000 I spent on my lawyer by April 20th.  That’s the plan at least.  And I’ll be back to my original debt amount like nothing happened.

I have about 160 signature couples massages left to be redeemed by the end of April.  The business is fully booked for the next 2 weeks.

But things are strange for me, more so than usual in my current situation.  I’m actually in a good, happy mood.

And here’s the kicker – having to massage people is the reason why I’m in a good mood.  I’ll get to the details in a moment.  For those of you who read my blog, you know how much I hate massaging people.

I’ve had tons of jobs in the past, the worst of them being Bloomingdales by Mail and having to take phone orders all day.  To me, it was the seventh circle of hell while to others, it was easy money.

Why is this?  Finding out why I hated that particular job so much was key into understanding my uniqueness, my quirks – what I want out of life and who I am.

I’m a thinker.  That’s all it comes down to.  I want my brain space, my true freedom.

It’s like when Andy came out of solitary confinement and he had that quiet smile on his face.  He told Red that he was listening to classical music the entire time.  “They can’t take my true freedom away, and that’s all up here.”  As he points to his head.

It’s exactly like that, the analogy can’t get any better.

Working at Bloomingdales, each phone call acted like a drip of Chinese water torture.  I was never able to “catch” myself before the next call came in.  My freedom, gone from me entirely.

I am a thinker.  Beyond normal measure if you compare me with those hundreds of thousands of people who answer phones all day and enjoy it (or at least, accept it).

I’m as big a thinker as you can get.  I think that’s why I hated doing homework so much – It taken up all of my head space.

Wait wait wait, hear me out.  I know I sound like a narcissistic prick, okay?  All high and mighty and shit.  But just listen.

Being a thinker is the reason behind everything that I am, and all that I do.  I understand all too well what Andy meant.  All too well.

I didn’t go to college mainly because I didn’t want to end up in a 9-5 career that I hated.  I don’t want a boyfriend or to have kids because it eats away at my head space, having close friends wanting to hang out all the time has always been a challenge too.

Every decision that I made, apparently sub-consciously I made these decisions, were all for the purpose of saving my head space, saving my one true liberty from being taken away from me.

How did I figure this out?  Yesterday, while I was massaging.

It made perfect sense, like a zing to my chest.  I LOVE thinking.

I’ve been massaging a lot more lately since I fired Melissa, my one employee who annoyed me to no end, and Mollie is still out sick with pityriasis rubra pilaris.  And during my massage sessions, I fantasize.  My fantasies are endless.  I hate waiting in-between clients, I count the seconds until my next client arrives so I can go there again, into my head.

But my thoughts are more powerful lately.  They have a hold on me.  With all that’s going on, it’s as if I’m “burying my head” with my own head – just to escape, to get away.

I’m letting go of worry, but what’s replacing it is a dazzling spectrum of color and possibilities.  I want to keep going back to it, back to my dreams where they become real.

My business is undoubtedly successful aside from this last remaining obstacle.  I believe the reason for my good mood is knowing that I did it.  I made a business that would sustain me without having to work.  I actually did it.  I’m one month away from it, but still….I’m so close.

I’ve been working my entire life waiting for this.  To reclaim my full brain space – to have all the freedoms my mind has to offer without the disruptions of worry, of debt, of being owned by someone or some thing.

What do I want to do with my life?  My free time?  I want to think.  I want to spend it on thinking, on solving problems and puzzles of my choosing.

Massage allows me the freedom to enjoy my head space like no other menial labor job can do.  The downside?  I hate massaging because that’s all that it allows for, unrealized dreams.  I resent massage for keeping me away from my real dreams.  And the act of massaging someone is boring.  If I didn’t have my thoughts, the boredom of massage will literally kill me one day.

But now that I’m this close to not having to give massages anymore, I don’t mind doing them.  My thoughts while giving massages are so encouraging and uplifting, that they are saving me from myself.

When I’m home, I have many distractions.  Whether it be my blog, audiobooks, naps, researching articles online, playing a video game (Yakuza 0), or binge-watching a new show I discovered (Homeland), I don’t have the mind space like I do when I massage people.

I resent the act of giving massages so much so, that I give myself no option but to think of the time beyond massage and what awaits me there.

This is deeply complicated to think about, but it’s without flaw.  Doing a job I hate is saving my life.  What do I mean by “life”?  Life is nothing to me if I can’t have my thoughts.  Massaging forces me into that space between my ears.  It forces me to remember what all this is for.  And why fighting for this business is important, not an ego thing, or a stubborn thing – it’s fighting for a freedom that I long for.

For the longest time I thought everyone was like me.  We all want passive income and to travel, to have fun.  But I swear I must take it on a whole new level.  The level that I take it on, to me, feels dangerously close to mental breakdown.  As it is with flying too close to anything.  But at the same time, I’m not hiding or limiting myself to anything.

It’s like, these aren’t just fanciful thoughts of whimsy, but more like an embodiment.  I AM everything that I want.  Who I am is congruent with my desires.  There’s no discord, no hypocrisies.

Outwardly I portray an innocent person, someone who I thought I’d grow out of with age.  But that innocence isn’t about being trusting, naive or stupid – the innocence that people see is in fact, truth.  I am nothing but.  I exemplify simplicity.  I am what I am.

And the truth is, who I am and what I want, I want to get the fuck away.  I want to sink into my head for months at a time.  I fantasize about living in an underground bunker.  My parents basement will do for now.

When I’m in work massaging people, I feel like I’m stepping closer to my goals.  When I’m home, like I am now, I don’t feel in control.  Like I’m missing something.  I’m not doing all that I should be doing.  I’m going to miss important calls or what if disaster strikes?  Whether it be the internet’s not working, employee’s late, clients not able to book, lagging behind schedule – mostly stupid shit but still.

In May, once the schedule clears, there will be less disasters.

Anyway, I should shower, eat, and head to work.  Tomorrow is April fools.  The beginning of my last month of massage.  It will be the busiest we faced in history, the hardest of them all.  My second to last obstacle, aside from the lawsuit which is sure to surpass all others.  My two remaining pitfalls.

I want to write once again about what ayahuasca told me all those years ago….that all of this isn’t real.  It’s all meaningless.  I need to let it all go and enjoy the ride, to have fun with it.  And to always do the courageous thing and not the cowardly thing.  That’s the only way to let things go.

When you take that advice to heart, it gives you perspective outside the box.  A perspective you’ll never obtain if you never connect with the emotions associated with it.

When none of it matters, only then you are free.

You become everything you wish to be.

If you can understand this, to be able to connect emotionally with it – you’ll see that it’s the key to everything.  When all else falls away, all you’re left with are desires.  Everything is based on desire.   But you have to let them go in order to gain everything.

Ayahuasca showed this to me.  The imagery was so precise, so complete.

You have to do things as if it doesn’t matter if you win or lose – it ultimately doesn’t matter either way.  But even if it doesn’t matter, wouldn’t you rather win?  That’s desire.  The desire you’re left with after all else falls away, but it’s a different kind of desire, more like choice.

To go further with that, deeper down the rabbit hole, ayahuasca told me that there is no such thing as hope or faith.  Either believe or don’t believe, do or die.  Every choice we make is steeped in karma, in fear.  We make these choices subconsciously and have no control over the outcome until we learn not to fear.  We learn not to fear when we learn to let go.

I really have to go, I’m gonna be late for work.

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Filed under All about me

Happy St Patty’s Day?

Whenever I’m stressed and worried, I can’t do much else.  I hunker down and do nothing but wait.  I count the days until my next reprieve and this time around, it happens in May.

I have two stresses at the moment and the most protrusive is my looming lawsuit, for obvious reasons.  I’d rather undergo a root canal than get sued.  I’d rather break an arm, or have a large portion of my intestines removed.

My second stress is the onslaught of clients my little business is enduring.  We have approximately 180 signature couples massages left to be redeemed.  180 that are not yet expired (we have 90 that are already expired).  And we have around 300 single person massages left which I’m not the least bit concerned about.

All of them expire by the end of next month which leaves me with glorious May to look forward to.

My calculations were correct and the business can survive monetarily until the end of April, just barely, but it’ll survive.  Then there will be room for regular priced clients.

Truth be told, this lawsuit couldn’t have happened at a better time.  Hold on now, let me tell you why.  I’m not being sarcastic.

First of all, if they sued me while I was in all that debt, I wouldn’t have been able to hire a lawyer.  Not only that, but when it came time to go bankrupt, I not only would have to bankrupt my business, but suffer personal bankruptcy as well – I’d have no reserves to pull from to start over again especially if I was still stuck at my shitty old location.

If they sued me a year from now, when I have a decent pile of money saved towards a house – that money would be wiped away.

However, if they sue me now, while I still have debt to pay, any excess money in my business account will be transferred over to my personal line of credit, where it’s safe.  I can pay off my last remaining credit card.  I’ll lose nothing.  And the groupons are almost all redeemed, soon we’ll have nothing but regular priced clients which means the business can pick up and start paying for itself even without any reserve money in the bank.  I’ve done it before just last year in August 2016.  I had zero money in the bank on August 1st and I wasn’t the slightest bit worried.

Okay, maybe a little worried, but nothing major.

So this is a great time to be sued!

One of my insurance agencies called the business today asking for me but my lawyer handles all that stuff.  I figure if they got me on the phone they’ll find out how stupid and naive I really am.  I’d admit to something or agree to something I shouldn’t which would get them off the hook.

Anyway, when I hunker down like this and count the days, time goes by both fast and slow.  Each day is excruciatingly slow.  May can’t come soon enough.  But at the same time, I can’t believe it’s Friday again.  Last Friday feels like yesterday.

I really hope my insurance companies agree to represent me.  That’ll be one slight relief at least.  And I think State Farm handles bankruptcies which will most definitely happen.

My receptionist/friend wants me to go to Italy so badly that she offered to buy my plane ticket after I told her that I can’t go.  She called me and talked for a good half hour nonstop about how important it is to her that I go.

At first I refused flat out saying no way, then I said “I’ll pay you back”, then I accepted defeat and said “sure, I’ll go.”

If you heard her on the phone, you’d understand.  Saying No would’ve been a massive slap in the face.

Once everything is done with, I’ll make it up to her.  I’ll buy us a Groupon vacation or something.  They are wicked cheap!  Me and her together for a Groupon vacation once this is all behind us, will be an astounding victory.  One for the books.  Can you imagine?  It’s like, too good to be true.  Too damn good.  It’ll be reminiscent of when I stood on the roof of that really expensive hotel in Bangkok – I felt limitless and I haven’t even begun my success yet.

My therapist with the skin disorder is still out sick.  One week turned into the rest of the month and all of next month is blocked off as well.  I’ve been massaging more lately but I think it’s good for me.  I’m saving a ton of money by taking her clients and I need that right now so I’m okay with it.  It does make it harder for people to book though.

I beat my game already, Horizon Zero Dawn.  I didn’t want it to end.  But it’s a good thing since it was keeping me up until 3am each night.  It’s good that it’s over.

My new addiction is listening to “The Girl with all the Gifts”.  I want to read the book before I watch the movie which looks pretty badass.  I’m already on chapter 34.

But with all this stress and worry, I wish I can find a happy book to read.  Like another Harry Potter series or something.

I had two clients today then went to Cosco for work supplies, came home and finished my Dad’s taxes and laid in bed listening to my audiobook and fell asleep for 4 hours, woke up in time to eat corned beef and cabbage.  It’s St Patricks day and like always, my mom makes the quintessential Irish cuisine to perfection.  It was sooo good.

It was a relatively good day.  I’m still shackled to my bunker, hunkering down.  Not wanting to do anything aside from laying with my dog.  I feel my life slipping by, but I can’t wait for these next 6 weeks to slip by.  Like skating down the hallway in my socks, a habit I never broke free of.

I had an odd dream last night.  I usually don’t dream when I fall asleep to audiobooks, but it happened anyway in a short burst of imagery.  It was an SNL skit.  3 black men were all dressed up as fat women who had their own soap making business.  They were singing a song and polishing their soap on their aprons in unison.  I, for whatever reason, found this hilarious.  when I woke up, I went to the bathroom and looked up what laughter and soap means.  All good stuff, forgot what exactly but it was definitely good.

I love my business so damn much.  I kiss the walls and caress them before closing up shop for the day.  “I love you, don’t ever forget.  We’ll get through this!” I tell it.

Our clients love my business.  Thousands of them, no exaggeration.  Thousands of people love my business.  One client only yesterday, emailed me to tell me she loves the place and she thinks I’m awesome.  She literally said she thinks I’m awesome.

The space is perfect, everything is so damn perfect from the employee’s to the elephant lamp.

My therapists are: Lara, Leah, Megan, Erinn, Mollie, Lori, Debora, Melissa, Crista, Igor, Austin and Adonis.  And one receptionist, Jill.  And you know what?  All of them love me.  A few of the new therapists want to quit their other jobs and just work here, but I told them to hold off.  “Come May it’ll slow down.  Best wait to see what happens in May.”

You don’t understand how perfect I made everything.  Using Apple’s logic of simplicity.  And those same people who love me now, will hate me if I lose the place.  They’ll hate me for their gift certificates that will be useless.  Who know’s, I might even end up in jail.  The whole town will shun me.  It’ll be like being on top of that mountain in Nepal, shunned and rejected.

It’s kind of funny how I relate all my high moments to being on the rooftop of that hotel in Bangkok and all my low moments to being on top of the mountain in Nepal.

It’s like, even if I’m not physically undergoing a gruesome trek, I’m still emotionally making that same trek.  The higher the altitude, the harder to breathe, the harder it is just to take one step forward.

That’s how it is for me now.  If I venture outside my bunker, it’s like having to trek in high altitudes.  Each step takes all my effort.  That’s the best way to describe it.

I need to trek that mountain again once all this is behind me.  I’ll turn that low moment into another high.  Can you imagine?  I can see it in my head, a perfect life.  So unbearably close now, I’m brushing shoulders with it.  And not one person who reads my blog can say I didn’t work hard for it or don’t deserve it.

I’m not losing the business.  It’s not going to happen.

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Filed under journal, random thoughts

Melanie Gets Sued!

I’ve been served.

It happened last Friday, one week ago today when I was still in Alaska.

I knew it was going to happen.  Everyone knew.

It’s because of what transpired in evil August 2015, when one of my employee’s got caught taking pictures of his clients while he was massaging them.

I went through all the stages of grief while I was in Alaska (I’m a pro at it by now).

Kenny Rodgers song kept playing in my mind….

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away And know when to run
You never count your money When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for counting When the dealin’s done”

And then the words of ayahuasca, “Let everything go.  You can only find courage in letting everything go.”

My little business was doing great, it really was.  After April, a mere month and a half from now, my way would’ve been paved for life.

And now this happened.

I was going to go straight to my insurance agency but decided against it.  I never had to deal with insurance agency’s before and I don’t have a head for legal matters.  All I know is that insurance company’s have a way of finagling themselves out of paying.

So instead, I went to a lawyer.  A really smart one.  I can tell he’s smart just by his presence, and he used the same phrase that’s been running through my head, “you can’t squeeze blood from a rock.”

I paid him $5,000 to deal with my insurance company’s.  I have two of them, The Hartford and State Farm.

Him – “If they don’t pay up, we can sue them.”

He was very clear spoken and laid the cards out on the table.  The worst that can happen is that I lose my business.

I’m assuming the worst is about to happen and I lose my business (file bankruptcy).  I did a little research and trade businesses are hard to fold in instances like this.  If they have no assets, no money, and are primarily a service industry, I can still file chapter 7 and keep my business as long as I have enough money to afford to keep it running once the bank account has been wiped.

It’ll be tricky and the biggest pain in the ass I have yet to face.

My question is, is it time to fold?  Is all this worth it?

I was so close….so very close.  We have thousands of clients now, literally thousands who love us.  My massage therapists are fantastic people who love working for me.  And almost all of our clients know what happened in evil August 2015, and they’re still coming to see us!

I went through hell with this business, utter hell.  But I’m so very close to it not being hell anymore – literally a month and a half away from it.

I hope my lawyer handles bankruptcy cases.

My ultimate goal is to not be held accountable for someone else’s sins.  If they find me not guilty, I’ll probably stay drunk on celebration for months that follow.

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I just saw this…

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Do you see it too?  Here’s a hint….follow his arm down.

If you follow his arm, It looks like it extends to rest in the middle of two monstrous legs.  One leg has a towel draped over it.

I’m dangerously sleep deprived.  I’m at my friends house and reading over my gibberish I wrote for the day.

Sleep will be sweet tonight.

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I’m in Seattle Washington!

The last flight was hell!  HELL!  I had a baby in one ear screaming and this other guy behind me trying to pick up the chick sitting next to him.  I wanted to turn into a velociraptor and bite into his thick juicy skull.  And eventually remove his head entirely.

He was dropping celebrity names, saying he goes to all the Hollywood parties and can take her next time she visits.  I swear to god, I’m not an evil person.  I’m not, I’m almost sure of it.  But I want to see this mans spleen.  Why his spleen?  I don’t know, I’m a dinosaur.

I’m sitting at the N gates in SEA.  Unlike LAX, this place is cake to navigate.  There’s signage everywhere, maps and even real-life people to direct you (even though you don’t need them because it’s a well laid out airport).  I actually needed direction since I forgot to print out my last and final boarding pass.

I want a coffee so bad.  There’s a fancy coffee shop straight ahead from where I’m siting and the dude working the register looks exactly like Josh from My Crazy Ex Girlfriend.

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I chose to plop my fat ass at this location specifically because it was out of everyone’s way (I’m sitting on the floor again), and there was an outlet!  An outlet!  But the god damned thing doesn’t work!  I’m on 45%, I need a fuel up.  My flight doesn’t board until 8:05 and it’s only 6:34.  I’m hungry again but I already spent $17 on a bottle of water, a bottle of vitamin H2O, and a roast beef wrap. No, no, I spent $18 dollars!

Have I mentioned that I’m broke?  I pee dust.  I poop dust bunnies.

Speaking of pee, I wasn’t moist this time around.  A two hour flight doesn’t have the same magic as a 6-hour flight.  I still don’t know what happened down there.

I gained like 40 or 50 pounds over these last few years and maybe big people just sweat more down there?  But why is it so HOT?!

Some lady just tried to fuel up her cell with this jokester outlet next to me.  It’s a cruel cruel joke.

Fuck I can’t do this.  I can’t spend $6 on an iced vanilla latte, I’m broke!  Fuuuuuuck.  If I do spend money, it needs to be on food.

44% is left on my mac.

Do I have to poop?  I keep thinking like I have to go but then I don’t.  I’d like to get it over with before I’m on a plane again.  And besides, the bathroom is the only place where I can vape.

I think my blog makes me want to shit.  I know this for sure because it also happens when I think really hard, not just when I blog but when I think about stuff.  I guess that’s why I have to shut off my brain when I’m around others.

I literally have nothing to write about besides having to poop, wanting an iced latte, and my battery slowly dying on my laptop.

I hope I have fun in Alaska.  It’s just that I love my bedroom so freaking much, plus with my new video game that is waiting for me when I come back, and my dog, I never want to be anywhere else.

Problems, we all know I have problems.

It’s not that I won’t have fun in Alaska, it’s that I’d have more fun staying home playing my game.

I think I really have to go to the bathroom, not a false alarm.  I’m going to brown streak it off to the poo palace and walk around some more, maybe eat.

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You can’t tell from this pic, but I’m vaping behind that newspaper.

******************

I didn’t make it to the bathroom.  I saw a sign for a bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese and made my way over.  I swear I’m Jewish.

Anyway, it sucks.  It’s a sucky shitty bagel.  $15 for an ice tea from the tap and a shitty bagel.  I’m getting a damn refill.

This is a dead airport.  It’s dead because it has no working outlets.  LAX was loaded head to toe with free outlets.  They promoted them like penicillin.

But not here, not this place.  This place is dead.

*******************

It’s 7:20PM, my flight is soon, thank god.  8:05 I leave.

Let me just tell you that I’m miserable without my blog!  I’m freaking dull eyed, hateful, misery in a handbag without writing.

How can I keep forgetting that?

I’m down to 34%

I feel lonely without my blog, that’s what it is.  It’s like if I stop writing now, I’ll feel like I serve no purpose.  I forget who I am when I don’t write exactly what I’m experiencing at every fateful moment.  Like right now, I just got the hiccups and I finished my bagel.  I didn’t grab napkins so I probably have gobs of cream cheese around my mouth and I’m hunched over my laptop tap tap tapping away – literally not stopping.  Shoulders are starting to ache.

I gained weight, but I like the way it looks on me.  Is that weird?  I’m not saying that out of denial, or that other thing people do, you know, when they say:  “I don’t care what people think!”

People who don’t care what people think NEVER say they DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK!

I like the way my boobs look in t-shirts.  Is that weird?  Be honest.

I’m wearing my white ably t-shirt, hiking pants, and a blue hoodie.  My hair looks like a rats nest, I haven’t slept in 33 hours but I got to say damn, I still look good.  But do I look good because I don’t care what I look like?

Like when my mom makes me dinner when I’m famished and I always say that her food is delicious.  What if I’m only saying that because I don’t care if it’s delicious or not?  My mom made it and I’m hungry and that’s all that really matters.

I mean, it’s a scary thought, no?

I do care about how I look but I put it away so quick that I barely glance at myself.  I rarely take selfie’s, never go clothes shopping, I wear the same jeans and sweatshirt over and over again.

But I like how soft my boobs look in t-shirts these days.  They make me feel feminine and fragile and it’s such a contrast to my actual mannerisms and attire.  I’m both yin and yang.

I’m getting the shakes.  Is that a symptom of sleep deprivation?  I never had the coffee.

It’s 7:50.  I’m going to try my luck at the bathroom and swing by my gate to see if my flight is still there.  I got about 15 minutes.

I’m publishing this crap.

 

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Filed under All about me, humor, journal, Travel

I’m in Los Angeles California!

I’m writing to you from LAX.  I can’t remember if I ever been to this airport.  I’m always asleep for layovers.

My trip began at 3:30AM and now the time is 3:38PM.  At around 11AM my employee texted me telling me the power was out and she cancelled her clients for the day.

I still have two more flights ahead of me.  TWO Mother fucking flights bitches TWO!

I’m starting to doze off.  I didn’t sleep last night because, well, I can never sleep before a trip when I have to wake up early.  Today is Thursday at 3:40PM and the last time I slept was yesterday when I woke up at 11AM.

I’m so freaking tired.  I look like death.  I just reapplied my deodorant and I did it while sitting here on the floor by my gate.  LAX is one of the most confusing airports I had to navigate.  There’s no map anywhere!  You’re forced out of the plane into  unfamiliar territory and you have no idea where your next gate is.

Gate 52 for instance, isn’t just gate 52.  It’s gate 52-A!  And then there is gate 52B and then C and D and so on and so forth.  There weren’t any signs for the shuttle busses to take you to these gates.  It was just a dude standing outside next to a bus waving people in, he looked like Stevie Wonder – my first famous person I saw in LA!

I thought of so many blog idea’s today.  I kept saying to myself, “If only I can pull out my laptop right now, I’d go to town!”  But now here I am in LAX with free wifi and no excuses not to blog.

I forgot all but one blog idea and that is……Crotch moisture.

HOLE-LEE-SHIT

Crotch moisture?  Seriously?

What the hell is happening down there?

I went on a bunch of long flights before, so long that it makes this day look like patty-cake.  And I NEVER experienced this before.  I mean WTF man…

It felt like swamp thing invaded my pants and made a puddle.  But when I went to the bathroom, there was no wet spot at all, only moisture.  Like, A LOT of moisture.

Does this have anything to do with gaining 40 or 50 lbs?

Oh God I want my e-cig so bad.

After I got off the shuttle, I went back inside the airport and they wouldn’t let me back out.

Guy guarding the door – “Where you going Miss?”

Me – “Outside to vape my ecig.”

Guy – “I’m so sorry, that’s not allowed.”

I longingly look over his shoulder.  The day beautiful and bright.  So close.  Why?

Why?

My brain gets super wacky when sleep deprived.  This morning I was leering at some young guy eating a bag of chex mix.

Me thinking – “Why Chex Mix?  What can I learn about this man by knowing he likes Chex Mix?”

After a few seconds I concluded that he was a player, the opposite of a serial monogamist.  The guy likes variety and doesn’t like to be tied down to just one thing.

As for me, I’d rather go with Doritos.  I know exactly what I’m getting, there’s no favoritism at stake, each bite is as uniform as the last.

Chex Mix seems complicated.  Too much drama.

Wow, LAX is disorganized.  They changed my gate 3 times now.  It was 52G, then 52A, and now it’s 52H.  Nobody told us either, we all just meandered away from the gate like a slack-jawed grazing herd of humanoids.

My eyes are like glass orbs of swirling pink mist.

CONVERSATIONS WITH MELANIE

The following is real-life thoughts I had today while at the airport.

“Wow, that woman has a huge bag of almonds.  I sure wish I can eat almonds like her.  But they make me feel like I might shit and not shit at the same time, just hover over the toilet waiting…..waiting…..”

” Hello hottie asian man.  I bet you’re Japanese with your angular face and muscular lithe build.  Hair done up in a top-knot.  Oh yeah, gotta be Japanese.  He looks like a Samurai!  Why do I like asians so much?  ‘Because you have a thing for Bruce Lee and appreciate their culture’.  Right….right….”

I can’t think of anymore.  These conversations aren’t as entertaining as I thought.  I had a bunch of them earlier, but turns out they’re not blog worthy.

Oh God I’m tired.  Do I have to poop?  Sun of a bitch when is this plane getting here?

Anyhow, I’m definitely going to Italy in May.  I got suckered into it and I’m sorta freaking out a little.

My friend texted me – “Should I book the hotel for Italy?  It’s $390 for 5 nights.”

Me – “Yeah book it!”

Every time I booked a hotel online, I never had to pay at the time of booking.  I paid once I got at the hotel, not before.  They hold the room with a credit card and if you end up canceling, they charge you a small cancellation fee.

My friend – “Okay it’s paid for.  You can pay us after Alaska.”

Me – “You bought it now?  Usually you just hold the room with a credit card.”

My friend – “We paid in full through Orbitz.”

Me – “Oh.”

Suckered.

I am one ratty looking mother fucker.  It’s now 5PM Cheshire time.  2:00 LA time.  20 minutes late to boarding time.

What else can I tell you?

I guess I can circle back and talk about the crotch moisture again.  Where does it come from?  Yes I was holding my pee in a little, I supposed a few drops could’ve escaped me.  But what’s weird is that there were no discernible drops of dew, just an all-around feeling of dampness.  And the type of pants I’m wearing are the kind that don’t hide wetness.  I’m wearing tan hiking pants, you know the kind.  They’re really thin and breathable.  I’m going to wear my thermal long-underwear once I’m there.

I’m waiting to go to Seattle, Washington.  That’s my next stop.  Then onto Anchorage.

I bought that video game, Horizon Zero Dawn.  I stayed up all friggin night playing it.  It’s everything I expected it would be.

Yesterday my electric fireplace decided to break down at work and my therapist with the skin problem went to the hospital and won’t be back in for at least a week.

My receptionist is starting to realize what it is I go through.  Everyday is some new nightmare.

“What new hell will today bring?”

Have you ever felt clear and light?  Like, put together really well, neat, not a hot mess?

I felt it the other day.  A simplicity of thought that I haven’t experienced since I was 2.  I felt it as I was navigating the mall for my video game and two meats one side at Panda Express.

For one day, I felt intact, unencumbered, clear.  Clear and clean is the best description.  Until that is, yesterday happened.  It all fell apart a day before I leave for Alaska.

I”m horrible.  I’m looking at an obese lady and wishing in my head she’s not my seat-mate.

You don’t understand….airplanes are getting smaller and people are getting bigger.  I just had an American Airlines flight on one of their new planes and discovered it’s noticeably smaller than it’s ancestors.  They only have one woman’s room and one men’s room.  The middle isle is for mosquito-sized humanoids.  You have to leap-frog over each other in order to pass.

1243 words in this post.  It’s 2:25 LA time and I have no clue what’s going on.  Did I miss my plane?

What else can I write about?

I don’t feel like writing anymore.  I want to find a secluded corner so I can vape.  But it’s not going to happen.  Too many people and we’re finally boarding!  Thank God!

This is a quick flight, one movie kind of flight.  Small plane, filling fast.  got to go.

 

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