The business won’t make it to April

We have 353 signature couples massages left to redeem by April and I’m running out of money fast.

I can’t sell anymore groupons because we’re still slammed with clients even though we redeem about 200 a month.

The whole existence of my business, everything I’ve worked so hard for rests upon these next two months.  I do NOT want to dip into my personal line of credit.  That defeats the purpose of selling the groupons in the first place – to pay off my mammoth debt.

I knew this would happen.  I knew I would experience this anxiety before I put my plan into action.  And I told myself not to get depressed if I have to use my personal line of credit because it’ll only be temporary and will be paid off again.

“No worries Mel, you got this.” Is what I told myself.  “Things might get hairy in the middle, but it’ll work out.”

92e34a1f-7b64-4baf-88d6-682f2f90e4cf

But I can’t bring myself to do it.  I just can’t.  I can’t put myself back in debt. I’m like a polarized magnet.  Bugs Bunny’s decaying tooth dancing side to side evading a drill.

I still owe $13,255.

My new plan is to take things one day at a time.  Today I’m okay, I’ll be okay tomorrow too.  Perhaps it’ll all work out.

I’m supposed to be doing my taxes but I’m evading them.  I had one client today, then went to the hardware store to make 3 copies of the business key, went to Stop & Shop to pick up a soup and salad lunch, was home by 1:00 and started watching documentaries about the Universe.  I can’t stop watching them.  They’re mesmerizing.  I finished eating my soup and salad and started listening to my audiobook, We the Legion.  I fell asleep and my dog kicked me awake two hours later.

Now I’m blogging.

I’m supposed to be doing my taxes.

My life never used to be this boring but owning a business, there’s always these stupid little chores you have to do.  Just when you complete one of these chores, another one crops up.  And instead of doing them, you busy yourself with naps, video games, books and documentaries and tell yourself you’ll hop to it right after this steaming cup of Ramen noodles and a snuggle cuddle with your dog.

I don’t want to do anything big, like exercise.  If I exercise, I’ll lose focus and forget about my taxes altogether.  I can’t go out and enjoy myself, not while taxes need taxing.  I’ll lose focus.

It’s like I have one foot standing on a pile of tax papers and the other foot is doing the Charleston.

I’m laying in bed doing nothing.  My parents went to the casino.  It’s so quiet here, my brain is getting squishy and dreamy again.  Like all I want to do is sleep and when I wake up, I’ll do my taxes.  But I’ll probably eat dinner instead while listening to my audiobook and pushing my dogs big fat head away from my dinner plate.

I hired another therapist to replace the one who’s leaving.  That’s one less worry.  And the girl who fractured her hand is taking clients again on the weekend, so that’s good.

The only two bothers I have now are my taxes and getting through these next two months.

I spent over $34,000 in December.  Can you believe it?  On what?  I don’t know.  I’m sure it’s all tax deductible at least.  I won’t be paying any taxes this year, so I’m not worried about that.  That’s not why I’m stalling.

It’s so quiet I can hear the icicles melting outside.

I feel so melancholy.

Oh god I love solitude.  How can normal people hate it so much?

You want to hear something horrible?

I love alcohol, but I’m not an alcoholic.  Wait, that’s not the horrible part.

The horrible part is that since I never drink at home, the only reason I visit a friends house is an excuse to drink bud lights (not even good beer).  Don’t get me wrong, it’s great seeing them, I like them, really I do.  But if alcohol isn’t in the mix, I’d rather stay home.  Either I drink or we do something fun like skydive, or I stay home.

If someone invites me over and I say “no thanks”.  Mostly all of them counter with, “I have bud lights” in a sing-song voice.  I’m over their house (sometimes still in my pajama’s) before they hang up the phone.

It’s that little extra nudge, you know what I mean?

I understand this makes me a horrible person, maybe even a fake person.  A narcissist who only cares about herself.  I know this, okay?  But what can I do about it?  I feel like if I lie and pretend I want to see these people for the sake of seeing them and nothing more, that’s the worst kind of fake-ness there is.  And I’ll be hated more for that than when I’m being honest.

I’m so freaking weird.  I can be content for weeks at a time completely and utterly alone with no alcohol, with nobody.  Anyone else would want to commit seppuku after the third day.

But I never been alone that long.  Not even for a day.  I think that’s why I long for it.  Maybe it’s why loneliness hasn’t effected me like the rest of the world.  I’m not lonely, I’m alone.  There’s a distinct difference.  I know what both feels like and learned that if I’m always alone, I’ll never get lonely.  If you’ve experienced both and know the difference and think hard on this, you’ll know what I mean.

When I go on vacation with more than one person, I need alone time.  If I don’t have alone time, I get really quiet and then really confused.  Like my mind is off in a million different places and can’t concentrate.  If I’m with just one person, it’s not as bad.  I can keep up with them.  I spent every day in Thailand with Brianna and never got quiet and confused around her.

The only way to combat the confusion is by purposely acting stupid.  By acting stupid, I’m less likely to go against the flow and tire myself out.  Usually when I’m around more than one person, I’m always fighting the current.  That is unless, I’m being a complete dumb ass cracking jokes.

That’s the best way I can describe it.  What is “it”? I don’t know.

I can’t believe I’m still blogging.  It’s 5:30PM, I got home today at 1:00.  I had so much time to do taxes!

What am I doing?!

I was trying to have an out of body experience today while napping.  I became lucid when I felt the rush of velocity.  I tried opening my “spirit” eyes but kept opening my regular eyes instead.   When I keep my eyes closed, I see nothing but darkness.  This is a common problem with astral travelers.  You may be traveling outside your body, but you can’t see shit.

The only time I’m able to open my spirit eyes happens when I’m not consciously thinking about it.  Like when I become terrified and snap “awake” I open my spirit eyes instead of my real eyes.

There’s got to be a trick to it…..

Hold on, let me google it.

It doesn’t say anything, just that beginners have a hard time not opening their regular eyes.

Anyway, I decided to keep my eyes closed and enjoy the rushing sensation followed by the floating sensation.  I felt my legs rise up and up and up until I was hanging upside-down.  My head was still connected to my body.

It’s weird hanging upside-down in your dream.  You think you’d feel sick or uncomfortable, but since you’re not physically hanging upside-down, it’s actually quite nice.  I hung like that until my dog kicked me.

I’m being absolutely ridiculous right now and I sound crazy.  Really really crazy.

My friend just asked me to go to lunch tomorrow.  I was going to finish doing my taxes tomorrow, but I haven’t seen her in a while.

I’m supposed to be going to Alaska to see the Iditarod March 2nd.  No no, not “supposed to be going”, but I’m definitely going.  That’s two weeks from now.  I wanted to get my taxes done before then so I can enjoy myself.

There’s a new video game that came out on my birthday (oh shit I forgot to mention that I’m 37 now) but I’m refusing to buy it until I do my taxes.  That’s the major reason they’re not done yet.  I just got done playing Nathan Drake so now I have no game stopping me from getting my taxes done.

Oh god what am I going to do about these next two months?  Fuck shit piss.  I want to break the numbers down for you, but I’m terrified to look at them.  It’s too terrifying.

My dog is laying in bed with me.  He’s the reason I’m not getting anything done!  He takes up so much room.  I can’t splay out all my tax papers with him laying in bed with me and I can’t do it at my desk because I have a freaking moped standing in front of it.  Yes I have a moped in my bedroom, don’t ask.

He’s so comfortable though, and sleepy.  I can’t move him.  He’ll whimper outside my door if I force him out.

495f15b6-19c2-4187-b492-ad9cc5b148ec

I’m not sure if you’re experiencing the same thing as me, but I’m sincerely pissed off at myself.  I’m aggravated.  So absolutely livid I want to kick my own ass.  Just by typing these few sentences, these next few words, I grow more and more infuriated.  So perplexing is this.  I want to take it out on my dog and kick him.  If my parents were home, I’d yell at them.

Dad – “When are you going to fix my printer?”

Me – “Go fuck yourself Dad!!”

No no no, I’d NEVER!  I would never say or do those things, but I can feel it in my bones why others are like that.  They hate themselves is what it is.

Lazy procrastinators are short-tempered with no patience or forgiveness for their shortcomings.  And they’re too stubborn and too lazy to admit they even have shortcomings.  Damn idiots is what they are.  Angry ignoramuses.

And yes I’m still typing, the more I type, the more I hate myself and the more I want to kick my dog off my bed and scream at him.  But the thing I love about myself is my ability to mindfully know where my emotions are coming from.  Did I mention I’m wicked humble?  I love that about myself too.

Does this explain all anger?  Does anger ultimately stem from feelings of helplessness?

 

You know, I think I’m right.

An old perverted man got a massage by one of my therapists the other day, Austin, a sweet Chinese guy massaged him.

When I caught wind of this, I felt the only way to overcome my helplessness was to dial that old fat bastard and rip him a new asshole.  Which I did, and I felt better.

And that is all well and good, when you take your anger out on someone who actually deserves it, but when you’re feeling hopeless for internal reasons, wires get crossed.  You want to beat the hopelessness out of you and you think it’s others that are causing it, not you.  Perhaps it’s human nature?

Hopelessness hits you and you instinctually feel that a predator must be near, or someone who wants to harm you.  We haven’t evolved out of this yet.  It’s rare to see a person looking inward for answers.  And when you do see someone looking inward and blaming themselves, they often take it too far and become neurotics.

The person who perpetually blames others is a narcissist.  Neurotics and narcissists make up the whole of society and they are equally pathetic and annoying.  Both of them need equal amounts of validation, they both “take” equally and perpetually.  And I want to slap them in their faces.

Why is this?  Because everyone’s broken and suffering.  More so than ever now that people are spoiled and entitled.

It’s like people aren’t able to judge correctly.  They have no balance.  They rely heavily on what others think.  The one’s who have more “power” and influence than they do in the game.

Fuck the game.  Stupid fucking people game.

Solitude.  I just want to be left alone.  I don’t care if I end up alone.

I don’t get it when people say they’re scared they might end up alone.  What does that even mean?  When is “end”?  I’m alone right now, so technically “ended up” alone and I feel absolutely fine about it.

I don’t think I’m going to do my taxes tonight.  I’m so effing pissed.  I’m pissed at my friend who wants to meet me for lunch tomorrow, like it’s her fault, not mine.  I’m texting her and telling her I can’t make it.

This is incredible.  Absolutely freaking incredible.

I hated homework.  I hated it so much.  I literally NEVER studied for anything.  I’m no different in my adult life.

It’s like I’m choosing to hate myself rather than do my taxes.  Enough is enough.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  Help me please won’t someone help me.

What are the 5 stages of acceptance?

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I’ve been back and forth with anger and bargaining for weeks.  I’m finally getting depressed, thank god.  I’m almost there.

As soon as I stop blogging, that’s when I know depression will hit.  As soon as I turn on my Amazon fire stick to watch a movie.  And the depression will grow so great that I’ll be pushed into acceptance and start doing my taxes.

I can’t wait for depression!

This is what I do every year and every year is the same thing.  Once I start doing them, it’s actually not that bad.  The reality is that it’s an easy process and not as time-consuming as I thought.  I usually finish them in two days time.

And when they are done…..oh man, when they’re done I feel like I just climbed Mount Washington.  It’s the best feeling ever.  And while I’m doing them, I feel like an energized super-hero.  I stay up all night.  Not out of frustration or anxiety, but because I’m on a roll and don’t want to stop.  It’s sort of exhilarating.  Like that feeling you get when you clean your house after snorting coke.

That’s how I get when I do things.  Minus the coke.

It’s like, I’m waiting for that exhilaration to happen, but it’s not coming to me.  It only happens after I’ve come out of depression and learned acceptance.

This is why

efa8b9f2-4794-4600-9ed8-38c262031aa4

 

Okay, okay, I’m doing them.  I’m doing them.  I will do them.

Right.

Now.

Right after I pee and snuggle my dog a little.

Leave a comment

Filed under All about me, random thoughts

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s