I might be dumb, I might be a lot of things. But there comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to make a choice.
I just hired my last and final therapist. Someone who can rip the nails out from my coffin, bringing me to life again.
With her here, she is the missing piece. The last to my jigsaw. I no longer have to massage anybody for the rest of my life. My prayers have been answered.
While I was massaging today I kept thinking to myself, – “Thank you Jesus, Oh thank you Jesus.”
I know what’s happening here. I think it’s a form of transference. When you project your hopes onto a false reality. It’s why so many people blindly believe in organized religion (I still love Hinduism and Judaism, don’t get me wrong). It’s a hope that you want to believe in so badly, that you end up donating your entire life savings to.
I’m about to donate my entire life savings on such a hope. The hope of entering into Phase III.
What’s Phase III?
Phase I was hiring employee’s to work for me.
Phase II was taking myself off the online scheduler.
Phase III is taking myself entirely off the schedule. Including clients who request me.
Phase III is freedom, that’s what Phase III is. And according to my limited scope of reality, it’s here.
I’m laying in bed. Inconsolably tired and aching at 10:30pm after working from 9:30am until 8 o’clock at night. I work these hours just about every single day.
I decided today that I’ve paid my due’s. Whatever bad karma I did in my past life that caused me having to massage thousands of people in this life, well, I’ve met my quota dear friend. I wash my hands of it. My soul is so fucking clean you can eat off it like it’s goddamn kitchen floor tile.
I’m sorry, my brain is liquified.
I picked a day that I will cross-over into Phase III and that day is January 1, 2017. Next month. Which means that all the clients who request me this month, can’t rebook with me next month. It’ll be like breaking up with 32 people.
A few weeks ago, I decided to prep a little for my cross-country trip by counting all the clients who request me. I wanted to have a list of them ready so that way, when it came time to notify them that I’ll no longer be massaging, I’ll be prepared.
I have approximately 32 clients who absolutely love me and refuse to see anyone else.
Think about it. Just think that these poor people who pay me, who only take an hour out of my life a month will now be denied access simply because I don’t want to do it anymore.
Client – “But Mel, it’s only for an hour, I’ll work around your schedule! I’ll pay you extra!”
Me – “No no no, I don’t want to.”
I mean, what kind of monster am I?
I have 3 of these people that I have to face tomorrow. All of them will be hard to handle. It’s like it’s my last test of strength – the hardest test of all. I completely buckle, I’m a wet noodle when it comes to saying no.
I don’t deserve them anyway. It they read my blog, they wouldn’t want me.
But the thing is, everything has to come to an end at some point. People move away, get laid off, don’t have the time – whatever the reason may be, they’ll eventually stop seeing me. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, they will all eventually stop. And then new ones crop up. A continuous cycle.
It ultimately DOES NOT MATTER how it ends, how ANYTHING ends. We all have a single destination and that place is called change.
I have to send them all a group email so that way no one feels like they’re being singled out. So they don’t take it personally, like they’re the only one’s being rejected. There’s safety in numbers.
I hope I have my brain back by the time I write the letter. It’s awfully soggy as of late. Damn 60 hour work weeks….
But yes, January 1st, 2017 is quite literally a fresh new start to bigger and brighter adventures. Having it land on New Years Day couldn’t be anymore perfect.
But what was I saying in the beginning? I may be dumb? Well, what I’m about to do might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. All based on one girl who told me (yesterday) that she wants to work 12-5 Wednesday thru Saturday. A girl who is young, smart, and experienced – my perfect replacement. She has yet to tell me when she can start work.
Yes, I’m majorly stupid, majorly projecting my hopes. But this nonsense has got to stop.
Oh shit now I’m worrying myself that she’s not going to call back. >.<
Another stupid thing I did was pay off my Amazon credit card bill which brings my total debt down to $27,300. It’s stupid because, what if I still need that money? It’s gone now.
I have to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day, a long day. But my fantasies and daydreams never felt more brilliant and real. Thank you delusion!