The prison dreams stopped just as I suspected they would after I’ve written about them.  It’s still bizarre though, how often I had them.  It’s even more bizarre that I binged on watching Wentworth and still, no more prison dreams.

I enjoyed the show so much (Wentworth) that after completing the series, had my brothers girlfriend dye my hair Red like Bea Smith.

Anyway, aside from that, life has been tame as of late.

July 18th I had $3,800 in the bank. Last month on the 18th I had $4,463. This month, September, I have $5,793 which is insane seeing that I spent so much freaking money this month.

I’ve been recording via blog, how much money I have every month on the 18th. By the 18th, my first pay period has been deducted, my rent check cashed, taxes taken out, all bills paid accept for Amazon, phone, car, car insurance and Sears bill.

In two months time, I managed to saved $2,000. Far below my expectations. Of course, if I hadn’t spent so much money, I’d have around $3000 (possibly more). And if I didn’t have debt, I would have saved a little over $5,000 in these last two months.

I didn’t pay anything extra towards my debt this month. One of my therapists is taking the next two weeks off so I’m holding off on selling massages on Groupon until she gets back. I’ll not be getting a chunk of money from Groupon on the 5th, so I can’t afford to pay anything extra this month. Just to be safe.

I’m so tired, I just want to sleep.

I keep spying on ways to save money. Like joining Cosco, a wholesaler near my house. I bought enough tampons to last me until menopause. I bought foot cream and foot scrub in bulk, I bought Korean face masks for a dollar a pop. I spent a lot of money this month in order to save time and money when it comes to restocking the shelves. With each day, I get a little more stream-lined than the last.  A little more MELefficient (I like combining random words with my name).

I hope my clients don’t get adverse side-effects from the dollar a pop Korean face masks….

Things are so much better now than before as far as money goes and my crazy aunt and OCD cousin moved out ages ago. I should be relieved, I should be joyous, but I can’t shake this worrisome essence lingering about. This ominous feeling that “it’s not enough”. Saving $2,000 over these last 2 months is “not enough”.

And I’m CONSTANTLY worried about my business. I mean constant, unrelenting feelings of despair. Despite how much things have improved.

I NEED to pay off my debt so I can take my cross-country trip

I NEED to hire a receptionist

I NEED to hire another therapist

I NEED an extra massage room

I have all these needs, things I have to do, and an excess of $1000 a month isn’t going to cut it. It isn’t enough.

I’ve been in NEED for years. I’m pretty sure most people are. It’s so goddamn tiring. And I don’t have kids, I have most of my meals prepared for me by my mother. I’m 100% healthy.  My bills are getting paid…

It makes me question if I’ll ever be satisfied.  It makes me wonder how others can have real jobs, real husbands and children, and are able to do everything happily?  To be truly satisfied and worry-free, how do they do that?

It’s all bullshit, everything. I don’t believe it.

Either everyone is lying, or something is seriously wrong with me.

I’ve never fought this hard for anything.  I’m ambitious about having no ambitions. I’m fighting to be a layabout slouch, a slacker, someone who sits and Netflix and games all day.  Not that I actually would spend my life like that, but I want the option to do so.  Everyone has their own definition of happy.

I don’t care who hates me for it.

But will it ever happen?

I just watched Zootopia on Netflix.  Yes, loved it.

Tomorrow I have three clients and then I’m taking my Dad to the symphony.  He’s never been and I scored tickets so I thought it would be best to take good ol’ Pops.

My Pop, he’s just been diagnosed, well, diagnosed is the wrong word.  He has a type of cancer growing on top of his head.  Right on his bald spot where the sun hits it when he’s fishing. It’s nothing to worry about.  Nothing, you hear me?  I shouldn’t even be writing about it.

I just got a text from a weird number.  Literally two seconds ago.  “Hey how are you?” They say.

I went out a few days ago with a friend I haven’t seen in a while.  I scored tickets to the funny bone and $200 in gift certificates to spend on food and drink.

I’m not sure what happened, but my friend ended up having to drive my car back home with me as the passenger.  Only, we didn’t go home.  We went to the bar where we met up with a few of her friends who all took a liking to me and then we went back to her house where her friends followed.  I didn’t leave there until 3AM.  I was shit faced hammered and had to get up early the next day for work.

WTF’s my problem…

When I drink, I love everybody.  I can easily be taken advantage of.  I’m pretty sure I’ve been kissed several times that night.  And I’m almost positive this strange phone number is from one of those people I met that night.  Oh, and did I say I was house sitting on top of it?

I HAD to let the dog out at the house I was sitting for.  Which meant I had to drive home under the influence, throw my PJ’s and some other crap in a bag, and drive to where I had to let the dog out and stay for the night so I can let him out in the morning.  Then go to work.

The next day was no picnic.  No, no picnic at all.  It’s because my first drink of the night was a vodka martini.  One vodka martini can turn the tides.  And eating Sriracha soaked bacon at a comedy club is NOT recommended.  Your asshole will hate you.

I’m still recuperating from it.

Okay, I gotta get some sleep.  I’ve been a real crank lately.



Filed under journal

3 responses to “Life…..

  1. Sammie!

    I don’t know how else to message you on wordpress but I was wondering, have you ever thought about doing ear candling? ive been searching everywhere for someone who can do it (and not like a nail salon type place who wants to get it done in 10 minutes or less). and idk why but i thought of you when i thought of it, i guess cause your massages, reiki, and scrubs/masks all sound so relaxing XD idk, just was curious <.<

    • I did it, it’s really cool. I did it on myself and on my dad when he had an ear infection. It’s actually an old home remedy from years back, the fire acts as a suction to get all the gunk out. Don’t get it done professionally if it costs a lot of money because you can do it yourself. You can buy ear candles anywhere now, I even seen them at walmart. You should try it!

  2. Sammie!

    oh wow i hadnt even thought to look at walmart for them. i had just been seeing them at the local nail salon places but i just didnt want to do it in a place that would rush the process. thanks so much 😀 i’ll look into seeing about getting it done at home.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s