A Day Off…..Finally

Today marks the first day off I had in a very long time since I started selling Groupons again.  I have about 50 more to sell, and we already redeemed 112 or so out of 300 which puts me in an excellent position financially for not only paying off one of my whopper loan debts, but for the end of next month when my employee’s get paid 3 times instead of two.

I have in all truth and honesty, saved my business.  You’d know what I’m talking about if you saw my bank account a few months ago which contained a meager $200.

My mind is blown, totally.  How the hell, wha…..200 &*% dollars?!!  How did I remain so calm?

I managed to pay off $12,000 in the course of these last 2 months and that one loan that automatically takes out $54.50 out of my checking account EVERY DAY is no more.  Which means I can now survive even without the help of groupon.

I am officially out of hot water, but the pots still boiling.  A slow simmer is where I’m at.  With my debt I mean.  There’s still quite a bit of it left to pay off and Groupon checks will stop coming once those last 50 couples massages are sold.

Here’s my plan:

img_3839

Okay, so I didn’t go to business planning school, but this can work.  I showed it to Dave.

Dave – “It looks like you put a lot of thought into it.”

Me – “I sure did!”

Dave – “What’s that you’re watching in the background?”

Me – “I bought the Back to the Future video game when I was at the mall getting my phone fixed.”

I dropped my phone not once, but twice in one night.  It was my first screen shatter in the 6 or 7 years I owned an iPhone.  I don’t even believe in having a case for it.

It was also the same night I got shit-faced, pierced my eyebrow horizontally and ended up at a bar in New Haven where the younger brother of a Melanie Hater bartends.  His older sister hates me, but he always had a crush on me and now wants to hang out.

I always had a crush on him too which I never told a soul because he was my friends younger brother, but none of that matters anymore.

Life is crazy.  I mean it’s freaky crazy, you know?

Aside from all that, I just bought the digital Back to the Future movie on Amazon and I’m watching it now because I just beat the game.

I can feel myself getting fatter as I lay here wiping ice-cream cone from the sides of my mouth.

I tried that 10-day “fast” and it worked for the most part.  Once I got through the first two days, it was actually really easy.  I felt full just with the shakes and salad for dinner but I stopped at day 7 because mom made delicious fish and I didn’t feel like going to the salad bar in Stop & Shop that evening.

Last time I was at Stop & Shop, I ran into that woman, the mouse woman from my last post.  The super weird woman that stared at me and wiggled around during her massage.  I stopped dead in my tracks, my eyes wide with fright, she was looking directly at me and I bolted down the beer isle.  I’m not embellishing any of this, it was like something out of a cliche sitcom.  I grabbed a six-pack, any six-pack, and ran for the register.  There she was again!  I turned and read a magazine on the rack.

I probably won’t be seeing the younger brother anytime soon.  Even if I tell him we’re just going to be friends and hang out once a week on our shared day off, things will get messy and overloaded with drama and I’ll most likely be gunned down by his sister.  I’ll probably be gunned down now for even writing about it.

My younger, happy-go-lucky self would’ve been like, yeah let’s do something fun!  But my old, 36-year old self is too tired and worn out from all that non-sense.  It’s too much trouble, not worth the grief.  Too heart wrenching.

Live quietly Mel, tread lightly.

Today was my one day off in like, forever.  And I chose to spend it with my parents at a new Chinese buffet that had just opened up, then finish playing the rest of my video game, and now I’m watching the 1985 version of said video game.  And you know what?  I’m loving it!  If I had more days like this, I’d start exercising again.  If only…..

Life is quiet and good.  I’m just going to keep my head down and focus on my plan.  Eye on the prize.  This is my penance from all the poor choices I made through-out the life of this blog, and I have to trudge through it with dignity like the Camino taught me to do.

As long as I have a purpose, I have dignity.

That’s about all the Camino taught me, well, that and I’m severely determined at all costs and I miss my bed more than anyone or anything.

I want to write one of my stream of conscious posts that involves Rational Brain.  I want it to be about the difference between pride and dignity, or pride verses honor would be better.

How it’s okay to be honorable, but not okay to be prideful.

Rational Brain – “The honorable man puts aside his feelings for the greater good, a prideful person keeps them.”

Me – “What about dignity and pride?”

Rational Brain – “The dignified person believes in his cause even if it means sacrifice.  A prideful person believes in only what they can gain from it.”

Me – “What about being proud?  Isn’t pride and being proud the same thing?”

Rational Brain – “You can be proud of yourself for a job well done, or proud of your children, but it’s the self-righteous (superiority) kind of pride that blinds people.”

Where the hell do you get this stuff from?

Rational Brain – “I got that last little bit from Google, the pride verses proud question.  It was the semantics that tripped me up.  The rest of it I pulled out of our ass.”

Me – “I miss our talks.”

Rational Brain – “Well then finish up your walk of shame and let’s get cracking again!  I’m not going anywhere.”

Me – “What about my weight gain?  Is it prideful to want to lose the weight?”

Rational Brain – “It’s prideful if you’re losing weight for other people and not for yourself.  It’s honorable if you’re doing it to honor your body, your health, and your self.”

Me – “Uh huh.”

Rational Brain – “Always remember your purpose.  Everything you do should have a conscious purpose.  Otherwise you eat your emotions.  There is no dignity in gluttony, no purpose.”

Me – “But with that kind of attitude, wouldn’t that cause me to judge others for their life choices?”

Rational Brain – “Only if you’re being prideful.  You dishonor others when you dishonor yourself and you dishonor yourself if your purpose lies with prideful superficial perceptions, letting other people’s beliefs control your own.”

Me – “But you just said there is no dignity in gluttony?!  How can I not see that when I look at a fat person?”

Rational Brain – “Have you ever judged a fat person before?  When you were thin?”

Me – “No.  I saw them as just a regular person, no different from me.”

Rational Brain – “You’re reflecting your own fears on them.  It’s all in your head.  You are projecting.  What wasn’t there before, is here now, why?  Because you’re afraid it will happen to you.”

Me – “Shit…..”

Rational Brain – “You’re too prideful right now to lose weight.  You’re not seeing reality.”

Me – “What’s the reality?”

Rational Brain – “Your assumptions are an illusion.  A heart attack is real.  As long as you’re prideful, you’ll never lose weight.  It’s karma, remember?  Your fears WILL happen.”

Me – “Okay okay, I should freaking sleep.”

Rational Brain – “Good talk.”

Me – “So wait, are you saying that pride is fear?”

Rational Brain – “What do you feel it means in your heart?”

Me – “That it’s fear.  It’s holding on.”

Rational Brain – “And pride will hold the weight on you until you can let it go.”

Me – “Until I stop judging myself and others.”

Rational Brain – “Exactly.”

Me – “No no no, that’s wrong!  Whenever I see a morbidly obese person, that makes me get in gear to exercise!”

Rational Brain – “Ugh, why won’t you shut up already?!”

Me – “It’s true!”

Rational Brain – “Maybe that acts as a trigger, an inspiration – a way to conquer your fear instead of succumbing to it or stressing about it, it helps you make a choice.”

Me – “But I’m judging them while I do it…..”

Rational Brain – “I can’t do this with you tonight.  I’m really tired.  You are an incorrigible mess!”

Me – “………”

Rational Brain – “There’s no light without dark, no happy without sad, no wet without dry……You see the opposite of what you want, so it pushes you to change.  Do you judge the darkness?  The sadness?  The dryness?  Or just see it for what it is?  The opposite of what you want?”

Me – “I am incorrigible.”

Rational Brain – “You need to understand that judging or placing blame comes from a place of superiority.  When you feel superior to someone else.  Is that what you feel when you look at a morbidly obese person?”

Me – “Not exactly….or, er, I don’t know.

Rational Brain – “Okay, well I’m done for tonight.  I mean it now.  You’re prideful and scared of buying new fat pants because you’re too cheap and can’t let go of the past.”

Me – “Now you’re just being mean.”

Me – “You have to fix this!  Tell me what to do!”

Me – “Okay, now you’re ignoring me.”

Me – “Srysly?”

Rational Brain – “Oh my God shut the fuck up!  You want my advice?  Eat less, exercise more.  For fucksake….”

 

 

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

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