The Imp in Impatience

I’m an imp when it comes to being annoyed.  Annoying people cause me to do and say stupid things.

Certain people talk non-stop as a way for them to be understood and accepted by others and if they catch me on a bad day, I purposely act stupid as a show of not “getting” them.

They tell me an occurrence in their lives, and I counter with something about my own life that has little to do with what they’re actually saying, and the thing I interject with is often a mundane common knowledge experience.

I do this for two reasons;  First being that I don’t want to get chummy with these people and the second reason is that it puts them in control.  I simplify myself to the point where it no longer matters if they have my acceptance or not.  They understand that I’m not on their level of experience or thinking so why bother?

The kindred spirit they’re seeking is not there, but that doesn’t make me a bad person, just naive.  Which gives them complete control and thus makes them feel better about themselves which was their goal all along.

I don’t have the energy for people who seek their validation through me.  I don’t have the energy to constantly agree with these types.

I did my taxes for 2015.  I recorded almost everything as perfectly as I can and I was negative almost $9000.  I wasn’t kidding when I wrote about the trouble I was in and my taxes can prove it.

Am I out of trouble?  Not yet.  I’ll definitely be out of it by August when I no longer have to pay $1000 a month to pay off a business loan.  And by moving to the new location I save $300 on rent, $400 on utilities, and a few hundred on washing sheets but the savings from that hasn’t kicked in yet.  My last utility payment of $470 is at the end of this month.  Next month will look better for me.

And once I sell those 300 couples massages on Groupon, I’ll save $400 a month on bills that will be paid off with the money from groupon.

Here’s my plan for redemption:

Saving: $800 from moving (at least $800)

$400 after groupon check

$1000 after August

By August I’ll have an extra $2,200 in my bank account every month which will go towards paying off another loan and once that loan’s been paid off, I’ll have an extra $2600 in my account every month (not revolving, but being added).  If my plan goes accordingly, I’ll be debt free this time next year with a fatty paycheck of $1000 a week for sitting on my arse and waking up late.

It all looks feasible on paper.  The business made over $190,000 last year, but spent nearly $200,000.

So when people come to me seeking validation, using nothing but their ego, I don’t have the effing energy man.  Leave me the fuck alone.

I want to look them in the eye and say “I don’t care.”  “I don’t care about your life.”  “Your life and your problems are trifle and symptomatic of lacking self-worth.”

Would it be different next year?  When everything is paid off and I have money?

I thought about this a lot and the answer is no.  I know how I am when I’m successful and I’m just the same as I am now, only I use my success as a judgement barometer.

Me thinking – “I worked hard to get where I am.  I had no help.  Quit your bitching and do something with your life because if I could do it, there’s no reason why you can’t either.”

Success or no success, I can’t help getting annoyed.  Violently annoyed.  Angry.  The imp in me jumps wildly around banging his fists.  It doesn’t matter if I’m happy or doomed to failure, the imp stays the same.

I should contact Groupon to sell those couples massages for me.  I’m not looking forward to it.  It means I have to work just as much as I did in the beginning, two years ago.  Client after client, answering phones.  Only more work this time around since I have so many members I need to keep track of.  Making sure they can get in for appointments during the uproar.

But after I receive the check it’ll all be worth it.   And I’ll look back and exhale.  I can not wait to exhale.

I’ve exhaled quite a bit since Evil August of last year.  Evil August 2015 shall never be repeated.  If I can get through Evil August, I can get through anything.  I’m at least better off now than I was back then.

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Filed under All about me, journal

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