Vanilla custard brain is what I have.
A while back I was struggling with anxiety over what happened to my business last summer. Words can’t describe the fear I felt. The news crew showing up, detectives calling me, a nasty Yelp review implicating ME as the culprit and of course the clients. Clients calling up and asking if they were victims.
But after reading the Bhagavad Gita and confronting/accepting possible bankruptcy and my “ruined” future, all fear dissipated. I accepted the worst possible outcome, felt it already happened and realized that even with the worst happening, I’ll still be okay. It’s exactly like throwing up your hands and saying “fuck it”.
But vanilla custard replaced my anxiety. I feel more distant than ever. I want to coast over the rest of the rubble, being carried away by a rescue helicopter like at the end of an adventure flick.
I want to stay in the helicopter, you know? I don’t want to do anything more to jeopardize this feeling of tranquility.
The Bhagavad Gita says to keep your head down and work, and that’s just what I’ve been doing and yes, it actually works! But vanilla fills my brain – a gooey drug of sweet surrender. I stop trying at things and just float. I stop thinking. I stop improving.
It’s like I don’t give a shit anymore. “I’ll move my business, change the name, but if none of that works, I really don’t give a shit.”
It’s the Gita’s advice; to work without reward. It’s oddly soothing, but I lose myself in it. My ego is dwindling which is the whole point of it. The point is to abolish your ego and learn that giving is everything (basically what ayahuasca taught me).
I’m giving, sure, but what I’m giving is not my talent of choice.
That’s why my brain fills with custard, because I’d rather be doing something else. That’s why I binge watch TV shows on Hulu and why I’ve been back at playing video games non-stop.
I’m attaching myself to things that can satisfy me. And it’s always about validation. I attach myself to outside influences that define me. To remind me of who I am and that I have worth.
In video games, I’m always the hero. Watching TV show’s, I relate to the lead character and through them, I live vicariously. In a sense, I steal what isn’t mine. The ego attaches and feeds. Instead of it feeding off my business, it found something a little more stable. Something else that can define my worth.
But the crazy thing is, if I actually do the things that I want to do, I carry my own definition. I detach from my attachments and create something astounding. I create my own self-worth, my own validation. All by giving, not taking. By giving something that brings me joy to create – something that challenges me and makes me better, stronger.
I’ve been massaging people for 10 years now and it ain’t it.
Writing, art, music and travel. If I can wrap my hands around one of those things and run with it, the only thing I’d be attached to is my own potential and what it can bring to the world.