Getting an oil change

I can’t think straight anymore.  Everything is smeared into one big electric blob of activity that keeps zapping me awake whenever I nod off.

I have a bazillion things to do today, but I’m stuck in Hartford finally getting my oil change.  I wrote a blog post last time I was here, let me try to find it…..Here it is:

https://melanieslifeonline.com/2014/04/22/melanies-search-for-meaning-continues/

Damn I was on a roll that day.  I wrote that in like, an hour.

But while I’m sitting here today, over a year later, I’m answering client emails, texting my employee’s and checking the work schedule – I don’t have time for those kinds of posts anymore.  I don’t have that brain anymore.  When too much is going on, all I want to do is sleep.  Everything goes away when I sleep.  Morphine…give me morphine.

I might be getting sued.  The thing that happened with my business might end up taking a bigger bite of my ass than it already has.

I have to find a lawyer, meet with my insurance agent (an old friend from high school), wash sheets, mail letters, go to the town hall to drop off property tax documents, my friend keeps texting and calling to hang out for the past few months.

I feel like all my close friends are close because of convenience – because they live close by and are accessible.  The further away they live, the less close we are.  Why drive 20 minutes when I can walk to my neighbors?

I’ve been listening to the Bhagavad Gita and it’s telling me to not want anything.  Do your job and don’t do it because you want to be rewarded;  this includes the reward of relaxation.  Doing something because you’ll get to relax after, is considered a reward and that’s no way to live.  It’s not the way to purify the ego.

They say that a lot, “purify the ego.”

And in the bible, psalm 23:  “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” and “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:

Life is the shadow of death.  We’re stuck living inside Plato’s cave allegory.  Trying to manipulate those shadows on the wall only leads to more darkness.

For the past few years, everything I accomplished was based on the idea that I can relax after.  Hiring employee’s was based on that idea!  “I’ll get to relax and do nothing, yay!”

I read my tarot cards last night and it specifically said that my true goal is to live like a hermit so I can reflect and grow wiser.

IMG_3199

See the Hermit card?  Second one down on right.  That’s my true goal.  I got the Magician card for my future outcome which is a pretty decent card.

I’m done washing sheets, I talked to my insurance agent and got numbers to a few lawyers, and I’m done with my oil change.  The laundromat locked their back door so I couldn’t go out to do my video.  It’s probably for the best anyway.

Before I contact any defense lawyers, I need to make sure my insurance covers their cost.  My business insurance doesn’t, but my AMTA insurance might.  I’m waiting for them to send me a PDF of my policy.

I had a dream the other night that I was in Alaska boating down a touristy river.  But my boat was too large to navigate around the boulders.  I reached a huge boulder that completely blocked my way, but a man and his son helped me lift the boat to get it over the rocks.

The water was so blue and the landscape was beautiful, and I remember thinking that it was my second time in Alaska and that just a few months prior, I was in Peru which is bizarre since I’m planning to go to Peru next year with a woman I met from New Haven.  That is, if nobody sues the pants off me first.

Not wanting anything and believing that no matter what, I’ll be okay, is really comforting.  For the past 2 days I’ve been practicing this.  The Bhagavad Gita says it takes practice and conscious effort to not desire anything.  They call this practice “yoga”, which is what they refer to as meditation.  It’s crazy since Ayahuasca kept telling me to do yoga if I wanted to get smarter.

Everyday there’s a new maelstrom of shit that splatters me.  Everyday there’s something I gotta fix or deal with.

Me thinking – “If I fix this once, it’ll be done with and I won’t have to worry about it ever again.  I can relax after this.”

And the next day I’m faced with a new challenge, a new shit storm.  I’ve been cruising down this brown streak for months now.

So after hearing the Gita’s advice; working without desiring a reward (including that of relaxation), I’ve decided to wake up each day expecting new challenges and problems.  I resigned to my fate of ongoing obstacles.

I don’t know when I’ll post again.  Since the back door is now locked at the laundromat and I don’t foresee any time to write, it’ll be a while.

I feel like my world is fading to black with this lawsuit looming.  I didn’t need to tell my insurance agent why I wanted more coverage, she already knew.  Everyone knows.

Just for the record, I didn’t do anything wrong and what happened here wasn’t my fault.  The detective know’s it’s not my fault, my clients know it wasn’t, mostly everyone know’s that it was me having shit luck.

Nobody wants to mention it or bring it up because they feel it’s a sore subject.  Like someone close to me died.

It’s tomorrow, weird I didn’t post this already.

My mom, whenever she heats dishes in the microwave, always covers her food with a plastic vented lid that once belonged to her mother.

The plastic vented lid is old, super old, and mom examined it yesterday wondering if maybe it was time she retired it.  But she couldn’t do it.  She couldn’t throw it away.

Mom – “It belonged to my mother.  I can’t throw it out.  Mom?  What should I do?”

As soon as she asked that question, the plastic lid slid out of her fingers and cracked itself in two on the floor.  Which to me, is an impossible feat.  If you seen how durable this lid was, you’d agree.

My Mother, if she wasn’t a believer before, is one now.  She said she nearly peed herself.

Mom – “It was like Nana was telling me to let it go.”

Anyway, I woke up today expecting the usual disasters to strike, but there were none.  I actually slept until my body naturally woke itself up this morning – nothing in the world feels more refreshing than a natural wake-up.

I stopped stressing about getting sued.  If it happens, it happens.  There won’t be any stopping it.  But the Gita says to always do my best, never give up and always do what’s right no matter what the outcome may be.

I’m going to dedicate a post to the Bhagavad Gita once I’m done reading it.  I bought the hard copy since I fall asleep when listening to the audio.

I also found the meditation book that spurred my two seconds of emptiness.  It’s a short book with 90 pages, but I only read up to page 27.  It came with a CD but I never listened to it.  It’s called Adyashanti True Meditation and it’s written by some white guy.  Him being white kinda turned me off, but the book is really good.  I mean, I only read 27 pages and experienced emptiness using his method – that’s pretty impressive if you ask me.

And now, I must get back to my original task at hand…..binge watching Scream Queens on Hulu.

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