I got bored so I wrote something. Here it is.

 

I’ll be washing sheets for at least 2 more months, if not 3.  My new landlord has to apply for a permit before my business can move in and the town hall can’t get to it until December.

I must wait.  Not only must I wait, but I should probably go to a town hall meeting to see how strict this jury is.  I mean, I’m applying for a massage business to be placed across the street from two churches, in the town’s historic district no less.  We’ll be visible and known to EVERYONE.  And lets face it, the place that I’m running now brought shame and perversion to my town.  Leave it to me, you know?

But they don’t know that….At least, they don’t know it was me.

I’ll literally be in the thick of exposure.  Almost the entire town will drive by my exorbitant signage on a daily basis.

In the meantime, I’ve been sending prayers to my past self.  My younger self that is having anxiety and panic attacks.  I’m telling her to hang in there, everything will be okay.

I didn’t much appreciate this advice when I first intuited it, but I can’t give myself any premonitions or hints because I might stray off my path.  I need to feel the fear, you know?  Otherwise nothing would change and I’ll be left with nothing.

The horrible thing that happened at my business may actually be a catalyst for my ultimate goal of running a turn-key spa.  One where I can leave it for months at a time without a hitch.

I’m thinking about joining an eco-village, or a commune for a few months.  So I can get away and write my book.  Maybe learn how to farm.

I hate being a dreamer.  Even if my dreams really do come true, I’ll still want more.  More blogging, more travel, more video’s, more people, all because I don’t want to grow old and pointless in the end.  There’s got to be more, you know what I mean?  I don’t want to miss anything important.  Anything that can bring lasting happiness.

I don’t want to miss out on living through some awesome stories.

What I don’t understand is, how can people have kids if they aren’t already complete with themselves?  It’s like if I have a child now, while I’m incomplete, I’ll only pass on and infect my offspring with my incompleteness.

I had a dream the other day that I was loved.  I forgot what it felt like.  I’m not talking about being desired, or lusted after, no, I’m talking about being sincerely loved by someone with no ulterior motives.  The lusting is a mere byproduct, an afterglow.  A wonderful afterglow at that.

I know that’s something I’m missing, and it’s incredibly important, but I’m not complete yet and I’ll only infect others with my incompleteness.

I need my business to be strong so it sustains me.  I need to be self-sufficient.  That is my only goal – to be self sufficient without selling my soul to the highest bidder.  Basically, I’m earning my freedom, not my retirement.  Life’s too short to work only for retirement.

I’m just too damn busy for romance.

I never want anything that I can’t have.  I know that goes against everything we’ve heard, but it’s true.  I’m wearing the same sneakers from five years ago because I can’t buy new ones and because I can’t buy new ones, I don’t want a new pair.  I have no desire.  But I think this is true for a lot of people.

Needs are different from Wants.  I don’t need new sneakers, so I don’t want them.  I’ve always been like this.

Because we know the minute we start wanting something is the same minute we start feeling unhappy and unappreciative.

At this time, even at the ripe ol’ age of 35, I still don’t want a relationship.  Why?  Because I don’t need one.

Why am I thinking about this?  Because I fantasized about my future and fulfilling all my hopes and dreams and it still felt incomplete.  Like something was missing.

But I’m not ready yet.  My life isn’t boring and stable enough yet.  I haven’t played enough video games.

 

 

 

 

2 Comments

Filed under journal

2 responses to “I got bored so I wrote something. Here it is.

  1. Avs

    We are always a work in process! If you wait until you are complete you’ll never get there. Wait until you are ready of course, but it’s having the child that “completes” you! Peace!

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