I had a thought today while I massaged one of my weekly clients.

I was pondering, as always, why this bad thing happened to my business and I realized that it coincided with two things that I wanted but didn’t have the guts to do.

Before this horrendous incident occurred, I was having money issues (as usual), and wanted to drop an employee.  Especially since my broken armed therapist started taking clients again, I didn’t need so many people on the schedule.

As soon as the police arrived at our door, bam, extra employee fired.

And for years now (dog years), I wanted to cease all Groupon sales but was too scared to do so in fear that my employee’s wouldn’t have enough clients and boom, Groupon no longer sells our deals.  Not until February at least.

Two things that I thought about often, very often actually, happened.  Two things that I wanted most at that time.

And then I had another thought;  you can either react and do things compulsory out of fear, or you can do things out of bravery.  You can tell the two apart because the latter (acting out of bravery), is a choice.

Acting out of fear leads you down a long line of coincidental events that may seem harmless at the time, but karma orchestrates the whole thing.  Every time you choose control and safety over trusting your strength and courage, you lose.

I started my business out of bravery, but the way I manage it is laced in fear.

How can you tell when you’re acting out of fear and not bravery?  If whatever you’re doing is to escape and avoid, to take and not give, to control and not trust or respect, you’re acting out of fear.

I should have laid off my extra employee when my therapists arm healed – I had the inkling to do so and he was only hired temporarily to fill in for her in the first place.

I should have stopped all Groupon sales when I had the money to do so.  Now I’m buried in clients and have no money to pay my staff to massage them (groupon debt).

I shouldn’t of hired the man to replace my broken armed therapist so I wouldn’t have to give massages myself.

Taking not giving, that’s why I hired him.  Escape and avoidance.

And I chose safety, not bravery, by continuing to sell cheap massages online.

You really do receive everything that you wish for, but karma makes it happen in unwanted ways.


I’m the boss giving the orders.  A taker, not a giver.

I thought I was following my heart.  I thought that if I created a business that allowed me my freedom (and finances) to pursue my real goals, then I’d be following my heart, you know?

Groupon…..The thing that started my success may potentially be the thing that destroys it.

All because I didn’t know when to let go of it.  I got greedy.  I got greedy, then I got scared.

The lazy choice is never the right choice.

Always remember to never say Always and Never.

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore……

What I did was wrong.  Being the absentee boss, shirking responsibility, being a whiny bitch not wanting to massage loyal clients who LOVE me – not even for one hour a day.

Hero’s don’t ever complain, they get up everyday and do what needs doing.  They’re real men (figuratively speaking).

Everything’s about to change.

When I worked at my old business, when it was just me working in that little stink hole office, I cherished every single one of my clients as though they were the last client on earth.  I gave and gave and gave some more.  The only thing that kept me going was knowing that it was only temporary – to sell a bunch of Groupons in order to get my name out there and once I have my loyal clientele, I can rest.

I had virtually no fear when I worked in my little stink hole office.  And since opening my other business, I had nothing but.

I totally get it now.  All this happened because I didn’t want to work anymore.  I didn’t want to give.  I wanted to boss, not lead.

Goddamned universe.

I am being forced into a position of leadership, not boss-manship.  The universe is literally forcing it upon me.

We had 16 clients today and we made over $300 which isn’t a bad day.  I massaged 3 of those 16 and I gave to them my all, just like when I was at my stink-hole office.  And I actually had energy!  I NEVER have energy when I’m in work but lately I’ve been cranked up.


I’ve been sponsoring a little Philippino boy for a few years now and received an email today asking me to come volunteer at a church in Waterbury to help rally up sponsors.  It’s only for 2 days, and they never asked me before, so I said sure, why not?

I’m planning on donating massages to anyone who signs up to sponsor a child – this will cost me hundreds of dollars, but I don’t care.  I can also massage these people myself which will cost me nothing but time.

I mean think about it – just think!  One hour of my life can make a difference on whether or not a child get’s fed every month.  Not just the child, but it can feed the whole family!

I also remembered how to truly let go in order for the law of attraction to work.  I’ll have to hit satori, zen, emptiness, whatever you want to call it.  I’ll have to kill my ego which is virtually impossible since it’s tied to this body.

I hit satori a few times, for 2 seconds each time, and all seemed possible, but impossible to explain in words.  It was a 2-second window into seeing reality.

I didn’t experience emptiness when I was under ayahuasca, but she told me about my ego and it’s purpose and how nobody’s ever free of it – if they are, it grows back.

She told me if I were to receive everything I want, I’ll have to let everything go and I can only let everything go if I kill my ego.

It’s a double edged sword because once you’re immersed in satori, you don’t care about receiving anything.  You want for nothing.  So in a round-about way, you really do receive what you want during the time of your satori because you don’t want a damn thing.

Satori cancels everything out and what you’re left with is emptiness which is actually filled with possibilities – again, this is impossible to explain.

But I can combat ego with giving.  “Giving is everything” is what ayahuasca kept telling me.  And it has all to do with leading, not bossing.

By picturing in your head exactly what you want, all your choices and actions will lead you down the path of bravery.

Just like satori, I can feel for 2-seconds at a time, a heat rise in my chest recruiting purpose and direction.  All led by giving.  I can see it so perfectly – too perfectly that it fleets away in two seconds flat.

I know I sound crazy, I know.  But I’ve been speaking this way since I was a tot.

In my next post I want to write about acceptance of others.  I would’ve done it tonight but I completely forgot about it.  It’s a different story.

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Filed under philosophy, Self help

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