Who’s to say what’s positive anyway? How do we know if getting fired is a negative thing? Or getting divorced, going bankrupt, getting sick, having nobody, thrown onto the street, how do we know all that’s bad? How do we know for certain?
When I was under ayahuasca, she told me that the whole point of us being here is to evolve and that we evolve through suffering. There is NO other point.
You can be positive all you want, but shits going to happen. Bad shit. Worse nightmare sorta shit.
Why? Because of karma. Karma isn’t what you think it is. Karma is fear. What you’re afraid of happening, will happen.
You can’t accept or conquer fear simply by denying it. Positive thoughts = denial. And denial leads to physical and mental disorders according to Scott Peck in his book, The Road Less Traveled.
I live in a harsher reality than what Eckhart Tolle paints. I live in the world ayahuasca showed me. It’s not all shits and giggles. It’s real.
I’m in the midst of writing a very long post about my business, but I just had to throw this one out to y’all in the meantime. Something major happened. Something majorly fucked up.
It’s so heinous in nature, so venomous, so demented, that I’m unable to write about it – it’s that bad.
Have you ever experienced something too painful to talk about? Have you ever felt that way? Well, I’m feeling it now.
I’ve never experienced anything I couldn’t share in my blog before. This is a first. The first time I don’t want to share something to my most reliable confidante.
It has to do with my business of course, what else? I’m at the point where nothing else matters, all else is trivial – I have bigger problems, you know? Bigger fish to fry. I don’t give a shit about anyone’s else’s shit.
Something happened two days ago that holds the power of closing my doors for good.
I’m not kidding when I tell you this but, the business has been kicking ass lately. Clients are loving us, we’re fully booked with tons of happy return visits. I taken care of my financial situation to the point where I’m saving $3000 a month with cut-backs.
I’m not joking, but not even a week later after making these cut-backs did my business suffer an entirely different circumstance. I was just starting to relax and enjoy myself when a new unrelated bomb dropped.
It’s already 12:30 am. I better rest up. Tomorrow I have four clients lined up back to back early in the morning and then I have to go to the police station after. Yes, the police station. I told you it was bad.
You know how I wrote about when I feel like I’m not in control of a situation I tend to bury my head? And I like to hold my breath and wait until everything passes? Well, it’s like that. I have zero control over this situation.
But I also felt the same way during my financial crisis and I managed to get that under control. Is that what I’m supposed to do here? Finagle my way out of everything?
What the hell am I supposed to do? I mean, as far as evolving myself, getting stronger and gaining more courage, what do I need to do? What’s the purpose of this?
God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
What the hell God, really?
I can handle a lot. I mean, I fully believe that I can handle anything and everything. But just because I feel that way, doesn’t give god the right to bombard me week after week, year after year.
Ayahuasca – “There is no god, only you.”
But you told me there is a god!
Ayahuasca – “Yes, there is a god.”
I’m glad I’m stupid at least. I’ll always have that stupid annoying laugh and dolphin grin on my face. I’ll take it to the grave if I have to.
What can I learn from this though? What can I possibly learn that I haven’t learned already? Trust? Letting go?
It’s always about trust and letting go. That’s the whole point of courage and strength, to allow ourselves to trust and to let go.
We can’t evolve otherwise and as I stated many times before, it’s the only point of us being here. So trust and letting go are pretty damn fucking big deals.
I just felt a wave of love wash over me. Somewhere in the wave, it told me I should believe in myself. To stop worrying about the future but to take appropriate action at the same time.
This is so weird. So super weird.
It’s all about making a choice. To do or die. It’s about believing in yourself wholeheartedly.
But when it’s out of my hands how can I……
Rational Brain – “But but but….there will always be a but. Stop that.”
Trust, just trust. And believe. I can’t have my head buried in the sand for this trial (which may result in a real litigation trial).