I’m thinking about changing my name to MelAnus. It’s close enough to Melanie so my parents won’t care too much. And once it’s changed, I’ll switch the name of my blog to MelAnus Discharge. Pretty cool, huh? Thought of it meself. Actually thought of it as I was typing it.
Because, well, let’s be honest here. What I spew into my blog is no different then relaxing my bowels but man I tell you what, I enjoy both.
Enough small talk, I wanted to share with you my epiphany I had earlier.
I thought long and hard (while relaxing my bowels) about my curious “innocent” nature and it has nothing to do with me trying to cover up a demon – I love my demon actually, and recently wrote about him.
No, I’m not actually innocent. I’m stupid! People mistake my stupidity for innocence which only means that those people are just as stupid as I am.
I’m glad I got that off my chest. Acknowledging and accepting my stupidity makes me feel closer to inching my way onto one of the more specialized secular branches of the category tree. I have fellow brothers and sisters who will laugh beside me and hold my hand – I am not alone.
And maybe I am fearless, but it’s only because I’m stupid – I don’t think, only do. MelAnus do do. It all makes sense now.
It makes me feel so much better by knowing myself. Like finally getting a diagnosis for a horrendous rash on your genitals. The itch will now stop.
So yes, I am playing spa owner. Not because I want to enrich the lives in my community, but because I want to be rich and not have to work.
Okay, other than that, last night I hit my peak of fear and today I woke up bright-eyed and chipper thanks to my buoyant nature or what some like to call, being bi-polor.
Why was I at the height of my fear? Have you ever owned a business?
Let me break it down for you, when your business starts siphoning money from an already depleted well, you’re going to hear a sucking sound. And that sucking sound will follow you around everywhere you go. Every thought that you have, every loose dollar you spend.
“I think I’ll get a dunkin iced coffee today! Oh wait….” Suck suck suck. Your chest caves in.
You may not believe me, but it’s like going through a bad breakup, or a divorce – your heart smolders in satanic ashes, you breathe like you only have a quarter of your lung capacity left.
Nothing else matters. All else is nonsense.
You basically lose yourself. You lose yourself to the environment that you placed yourself in.
When you lose yourself, there is no joy there. But on the flip side, others may feel that when they “lose” themselves, they’re free. They’re at their happiest. But they haven’t actually lost themselves per se, no, they found themselves.
As a proud member of the Stupid category, I’m adequately happy pretty much all of the time. I let loose and I’m able to be myself – I’m not one that gives a fuck (just watch me dance). What I’m trying to say is that I found out who I was a very long time ago but the seriousness of the world sucked it out.
It made me feel insecure, unsafe, unwanted. I’m not “professional” or “responsible” is what I hear. The world can do that people. To just about everyone.
And now with my business hanging on the brink, it pushes me further away.
When you’re being yourself, you live in the moment. I know this for a fact and not just by listening to the Power of Now but I’ve lived this way for years! That is, before I started to “grow up”.
Everyone’s got it wrong. Don’t ever grow up.
I’m a believer in choice. Ayahuasca told me there is ALWAYS a choice. And with this belief, comes answers. Where there’s a choice, there is always an answer.
I woke up today happy because I remembered that there’s always an answer. You only have to believe and do everything it takes and I mean everything.
Shit takes its toll. Worse than going in circles over the GW bridge (which is one of my humiliating traditions).
When you see the answer, bam, you’re back to your normal self. But sometimes you see your answer and it doesn’t register right away. It may take a while until you fully see it.
“No no that’s too outlandish, it will never work.” Then you sit on it for a while and you wake up one day and say, “That’s it! Why have I waited so long?!”
Perhaps you have to be your normal self in order to see your unique answer?
What is my normal self? Well, I forgot for a long time who I was until I recently remembered that I’m part stupid.
How do you know who your normal self is?
Okay, I figured out how to do this and I’m sure it’s different for everyone so I made it into a one question quiz. For me personally, the answer was stupidity – this answer frees me. For you it might be something completely different.
Okay, here’s the first and only question: What are you most afraid of?
And I don’t mean bears or zombies, no, I mean, what are you afraid of being? Right at this very moment?
This is a tricky question because I don’t want you to get confused with consequences or end result answers like, “I’m afraid of being alone.”
Being alone is an end result answer, not a present moment way of being. Or, “I’m afraid of living with regrets” , “I’m afraid of being poor”,”I’m afraid of not being a good provider.”
Those are all end result stuff, future stuff. I mean your quirks, your secret personality defects, your flaws – the really good stuff.
By finding out exactly what you’re afraid of being and then committing yourself to becoming what you’re afraid of then guess what happens? The fear of it completely dissolves and what you’re left with is your pure untainted identity.
By accepting my stupidity and sharing it with others, I’m completely free.
When I smoke pot around people, depending on who I’m with, I can see these types of fears in others. I can see how it holds people back, causes them to manipulate, get offended, skirt the truth – I see it!
The way out is in. It’s to embrace. If you don’t believe me, you’ll just have to trust me on it.
Rational Brain – “What about rapists, pedophiles, or people with an urge to kill? You want them to embrace their weaknesses?”
That’s not who they really are, it’s more like a compulsion they have, or a need. Like smoking cigarettes or doing drugs, it satisfies a craving. It’s a brain problem.
Rational Brain – “You have a bullshit answer for everything, don’t you?”
It’s not bullshit, I read an article. It’s actually really sad.
But anyway, that’s how you find yourself. By finding out what you’re afraid of being and becoming it by choice. If you don’t do it by choice, it will happen without your choice and I promise you it WILL happen.
And if you do this correctly, you don’t actually become your fear. You eliminate it. And by eliminating it, nothing holds you back anymore. You’d be fully present and I’d be able to smoke pot around you.
I guess it’s hard to explain.
It’s 1AM and I told myself I was going to exercise tomorrow before work. I have to friggin sleep.
Before I go, I just want to say that I don’t think I’ll be blogging for a while. At least, not until I whip my business back into shape. I just hate writing the same morose things over and over again. I hate whining.
You want to hear something disgusting? I saved my dental floss! I flossed my teeth with it and put it aside for next time. Where is it? Oh, I think it’s on the floor now. Okay, I’ll throw it out. But I just wanted to demonstrate to you just how much in the dog house I am.
My mom today gave me toothpaste, toilet paper, shampoo, and socks.
Me – “Thank you for these gifts!”
And I really REALLY meant it.
“I won’t have to darn my socks this winter!”
I can’t believe I wrote so much. All I wanted to tell you was that I’m going to take a break from writing for a while.
To wrap things up, I just want to reiterate that living in the present moment requires you to eliminate all fear. Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power of Now, tells you to live presently and your fears will wash away by themselves, but I like my way better. My way of confronting your fear is better. If you don’t confront it, you’ll have no awareness of it and soon enough you’ll become that what you hate most.
My brain works swiftly when I’m in the present. I’m less jumpy and I feel smarter. Almost impenetrable, like nobody has any negative affect on me whatsoever.
I miss that feeling.
How do I get it back? Two ways in conjunction: By remembering there is always a choice and because a choice exists, I will find an answer. And secondly, by embracing what it is I’m afraid to be.
MelAnus is done discharging for tonight.