The Fray

Okay, well, I didn’t go to my book club meeting.  First reason being that they found a human torso across from 300 George street in New Haven – the address where the book club was being held.  Second reason, I wasn’t in the mood.

As insane as it sounds, it was mostly due to the second reason why I didn’t go.

My business made it into August without having to go further into debt so I should feel relieved, right?

Not really, no.  I’m not relieved.  In fact, it seems that this gloom and doom has glued itself in me – sticking to my ribs.  And I can’t get that gruesome image of a human torso out of my head.  It’s muddying up my thoughts.

I’m trying to charge all my member clients.  It’s the most important thing to do on my monthly To Do list.  My livelihood depends entirely on charging those member clients.  But the system keeps acting up and it won’t let me do it and it’s already almost 7 PM.

It’s hard for me to breathe.  I can’t explain this exhaustion.

While the system tries to charge all its members, I’m listening to my new book of the month, The Little Stranger, and it’s scaring the shit out of me.

My Uncle Snooky is having his birthday party today and my Mom really wanted me to be there.  He’s been struggling with health issue’s and both him and my Father lost their best friend a few months ago, so my Mom really wanted me there.

But I can’t breathe.  And I can’t charge my members, I have an image of a bloodied torso in my head, and the exhaustion…..And my new book is scaring the shit out of me!

The anticipation and worry I carried with me into July when I needed an extra $5,000 in the bank, has finally globbed together to form a festering pustule in my chest cavity.  I feel it’s not over yet, the worry.  And now I can’t even charge my freaking members?!

Most things don’t bother me, no, that’s not true.  Everything bothers me.  But as long as I can blame myself for what goes wrong, I feel I’m in control.  I have a handle on things.  But when somethings not in my control, that’s when I want to bury my head and struggle to breathe.

If the system doesn’t fix itself by tomorrow, I’m going to have to manually charge all my members one by one.  I tried fixing it through support but they claim it’s happening due to high volumes.  There’s nothing they can do.

I’m going to look back on this month and let out a big sigh of relief knowing that I’ll never have to worry like this ever again.  That it was all part of the journey.  And I’ve learned a lot about hopelessness and how it fucks up my head – that’s a lesson worth learning I tell ya.

Right now, it’s not that I’m feeling hopeless (there is always an answer and a choice), it’s just that I’m tired.  I’m literally miserable.  I have a heavy heart but you know what’s crazy?  Once I finally charge these bastard members (which will happen whether or not I have to do it one by one), I’ll feel this cinder block rise off my chest.

Something so small and simple as this – something that can easily be remedied – has this much power over me simply because I’m fed up with this shit.  So freaking fed up.  My pockets are coughing up their insides and my work pants look like I’ve worn them for years alone stranded on a deserted island.  I have to roll them up to my calves to hide the fray.

The upside is, we’re busy.  Clients are loving us.  My new therapist is a godsend and because of her, we’re not completely booked two weeks out in advance.

And I have a few marketing ideas to boost membership sales.

I don’t know if it’s stress or what it is, but I swear I have some kind of benevolent force helping me.  I’ve come close to the edge before (never quite like this), but each time I gotten close, something miraculous would happen at the last minute before impact.

It’s just that it happened so many times already that I can’t help take notice, or it may just be wishful thinking, stress, schizophrenia, I don’t know.

I feel horrible about not going to Uncle Snook’s birthday party, I really do.  But they asked me yesterday at like, 8 o’clock at night.

I’m not happy and when I’m not happy, I don’t want to see or be seen by others.  And I really am tired.

I can’t wait until the day comes when I can look back on all this.  Seriously, I think it’s bad for my heart.

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