It’s Alive! Alive!

Atop my shoulder sits a hair.

Wily it moves as it sways through the air.

It tickles my cheek,

Whispers words that are sweet,

And yes you heard correctly,

my hair doth speak!

“Reach for the stars”

A tiny voice says.

“Look at me!  I’m almost as tall as a tree!”

My hair frolics and dances and provides good company.

My new friend occurred quite

unexpectedly.

“There there now, life is cake.

You must stretch yourself  and

you will not break.

Roots become stronger, the longer you grow.

That’s the way of life,

Quid pro quo.”

I found this ghastly hair growing out of my shoulder yesterday.  It was moving as if it were alive.

Weird.

Anyway, what’s up with me other than my illogically long shoulder hair?

Life.  Life is what’s up.  It happens and I can’t do anything about it.

It’s happening as we speak.

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m laying in bed rhyming about one absurdly long shoulder hair.

“Live life fully Melanie!  Get up and live!”

Shut up stupid hair.

My Dad’s best friend died last week.  I called him Uncle Sparky and attended his Halloween parties and New Years eve parties every year when I was a kid.

I call these people “The Greats.”  Our foundation of stability and love – the cradle I was born into but not just cradling me, but my parents too.  We always had them.  Their doors were always open.

I started thinking about how some day, no one will be left.  All I’ll have is my brother who refuses to speak to me, but he refuses to speak to mostly everyone.

And I was sinking back into the dreaded “What’s the point of it all?” outlook on life.

Uncle Sparky’s wife died a few years ago and everyone at his funeral said that made things easier.  So now they can be together.  But for me (being selfish), it was harder because now they’re both gone.  Their festive house is gone, their vegetable garden, gone, my parents going over once a week for visits, gone.

Everyone going but my brother who is still here, is gone to me too.

Unless you’re made of stone, it’s hard not to feel the emptiness.

One of my friends posted a video on my Facebook page about chakra’s.

This is a HUGE reason why I watch these cartoons.  I never gave chakra’s a second thought until seeing this cartoon but everything about it fits in perfect with what ayahuasca taught me.

My biggest hurdle, the one I can’t release, is my thought chakra.  The one on top of my head.  I have too much attachment, too much sentiment.  Sentiment is more like sediment.

Ayahuasca kept trying to drill it into me to “let go.”  Over and over she told me this.  She also told me that this world is an illusion meant to test your courage to let go and to trust.  Once you let go, you’ll not need God (or anyone) because you become him – you are him.

Ayahuasca – “Don’t rely on God.  Rely on yourself.  You are God.  You’re here to learn awareness of that.”

Me – “But why do I have to be here in the physical world to learn it?”

Ayahuasca – “You can only become aware of something once you’ve been separated from it.”

We’re him right now, God, but we have no awareness of that so we turn to faith which is not the same as actual knowing.  It’s just a substitute for the real thing.  We have faith that God is in us.

That’s not awareness.

Ayahuasca said I’m here to learn how to let go and to trust.

My brother unfriended me on Facebook.  If I’m hurt by this, it only means that I’m still attached to my ego and can’t let go of fear.  Fear that the one person in my life that will always be there, won’t be.

As long as I keep the pain going, I’m still attached, I’m still connected to my brother in some way.  Just like my Uncle Sparky stayed with the pain after his wife died – it was his only connection to her that kept her alive.

If I escape it, if I ignore it, if I place blame and judgement and rationalize that it’s for the best he’s out of my life – that’s not letting go.  It’s holding on to hate and anger.

But how do I let go?

I bought an audiobook about chakras.  It’s pretty good.  I’ll post the important stuff I learn from it.

I’m actually okay, I always am for the most part.  But I experienced the emptiness once or twice before and I never want to go back there again.

It’s just that I don’t want to hurt anyone and no matter what a person does to me, I ALWAYS forgive them – there is not one person in my entire life that I can say I won’t forgive.  And I keep comparing them to me.  That’s where the problems start.

“How can they do this?  I’d never do this to them.  I don’t understand.”

This is a form of judgement and judgement doesn’t allow for understanding.  It’s like a sentence – a justice.  The gavel came down and ended the hearing.  Blame has been placed and we can all move on.

I have to understand that everyone is different and I need to accept them, which I do over and over again (at least, I think I do).

But then when I do feel like I let go in the proper way, I look straight ahead and forge on with my life and I wonder, what’s the point?  Why live only for myself?  I’d rather die.  I edge myself closer to the void.

And I look to see where I went wrong.  To see all the mistakes I’ve made.  And when it comes down to it, everything that’s happened to me was inevitable.  Unavoidable.  I had no influence what-so-ever.

Ayahuasca told me that everything happens for a reason.  Every detail fits into the larger.  My life is directly affected by other people and vice versa.  All leading up to the single goal of letting go.

I have fear in me that can only be addressed by situations outside my control.  No matter how hard I tried to fix my mistakes, I tried fixing them out of fear.  Not love, not trust, but fear.  Fear of living a pointless, meaningless existence, fear of the ultimate misery of loneliness – a verdict worse than death.

Ayahuasca showed me all this and I cried for myself.  I felt compassion for myself.

The other day I binge watched The Quest on Netflix which is a reality show where the contestants vote each other off.  One woman stood behind a man to vote for him simply because she felt everyone should have at least one person standing behind them.  She stood behind him even though she didn’t like him and was glad he was being voted off.

But then when it came her turn, nobody stood behind her.  She was the only contestant during the entire show that had nobody standing behind her.

I found this interesting because I understand that everything happens for a reason, but how is it that the one person who understood the importance of other people’s feelings was left standing alone?  The one person who made such a fuss about it?

She was well liked, she wasn’t an asshole or anything like that, so why did this happen?

She stood behind him out of fear.  Her own fear guided her to do it.  It wasn’t out of compassion, but more like “do unto others what you would want done unto you” sort of thing.  A pay it forward.

This is how karma works.  It doesn’t matter how many good deeds you do, if you do things out of fear, it will bite you in the ass no matter how noble you are.

She needed to learn to let go.  To do things not expecting reciprocation, not because that’s how you yourself would want to be treated.  Because in a way, that’s selfish.

You should do things simply because it’s the right thing to do.

And my brother not speaking to me anymore may seem like the wrong thing, but it’s still his choice.  I have to accept it.  And that shouldn’t influence me into also doing the wrong thing.

I do things for people.  Not because I’m scared of them not liking me, or that it’s the way I want to be treated – no, I do things for people because I love them.  And I’ll alway love my bro, so I have to be strong and keep doing what’s right.

Ayahuasca told me none of this matters.  All the hurt, all the pain, none of it matters.  It’s not real.

I just have to focus on doing what’s right and living solely for myself doesn’t feel right to me.  The only thing that feels right is to trust the process that all will be well in the end.

And acting all righteous and shit is no better.  Being the bigger person is crap.

I just texted my bro telling him that I love him.  I hope he doesn’t read into it like I’m being the bigger person thereby making him feel small and wrong.

Telling someone you love them can backfire.  Being the bigger person can backfire.

But I did it because it’s true and it was the right thing to do.

Strength and believing in yourself…..lots of strength, lots of belief.

He texted back “I love you too little sis.”

How do you let go?  No effort.  That’s how.

No effort.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, video's

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