My Day

I’m sitting at a Starbucks in downtown Manhattan on official business.

At least, that’s what I want to believe.  I want to believe that I’m a successful business entrepreneur who ended up in a downtown Manhattan Starbucks on official business.  With her Apple iPhone and Macbook at hand, dressed like a smart hipster with a cool aloofness that draws people in.

No, instead I’m cleaning my computer screen with the sleeve of my shirt and itching my runny nose with also, the sleeve of my shirt.  I’m wearing second-hand pants and my shoes are made out of some kind of plastic or something similar to plastic.  I’m not sure what.

What the hell are my shoes made of?  Now I’m searching the inside of my shoe.  Doesn’t say.

I’m supposed to be working on brochures for my business but I’m too tired for that shit.

Why am I here?

I’m getting my esthetician trained in micro-current facials.  This is the closest school I found that does it.  I offered to go with her so she wouldn’t be alone in NY and she said ‘yes please’ and so here I am.

I hate that I’m nice.

I’m roughly 1 hour and 45 minutes away from home but the traffic tacks on another hour or two.  An hour or two of teeth grinding traffic.  I have a mouth full of teeth sand.

I got lost and had to go over the GW bridge twice which ended up costing me $16.  Going over the GW twice is becoming a tradition.  One of Melanie’s many humiliating traditions.  I dropped my esthetician off at the school just shy an hour late.

I parked at a garage not knowing the full extent of how much they charge.  Across the street from where I’m sitting, I see a place that charges exactly $10.14 for up to 30 minutes.

Um…shit?

After parking I came here, to Starbucks.  There’s one on every block.

I really want to pick up my car….

So far this trip is costing me a fortune.  I want to feel like a successful entrepreneur doing work at a Starbucks in downtown Manhattan but the truth is, my shoes are plastic (or something similar to plastic), and I’m too cheap to even buy myself a sandwich.  Not cheap, poor.  There’s a difference.

Maybe not poor, but realistic? I get my sandwiches at home for free mothafugas so why pay?

Today is payday for all my employee’s which means today is the opposite of payday for me.

It’s 1:50.  Only four more hours to go.

I dropped my car off at 11:20 at the parking garage and I’m not thrilled about leaving it there.  What was I thinking?  I didn’t think it would cost so much that’s what I was thinking!

I should go back and get it.  Yeah, I have to.  Definitely have to.

Okay I’m back.  My bill totaled $30.  Not horrible, but not great either.  I moved my car to the street which costs absolutely nothing.  And the absurd thing is, there’s ample street parking everywhere!  I didn’t think a garage would cost so much seeing that their competitors offer free parking.

Ridiculous….

I just met Phil, an old woman who works at the Gershwin theater.  She wants to get me free tickets to see Wicked.  We exchanged numbers and ate ramen together at a small but popular ramen restaurant that had a line out the door.

***************

I’m home now.  I’m fried.  Big crowds seep up my energy like suction cup tentacles.

Oh and my car got hit!  How did I forget about that?  I heard a dull thud while I was driving 5MPH and I thought it was a pedestrian at first and…..oh god this is bad…..I shouldn’t be telling you this…..

I ignored it and sped up!

Okay okay, I know that sounds bad but if you were there you’d understand.  I thought a person fell into my car – not me hitting them, but them hitting me.  When I came to my senses and looked back, I saw a yellow van pulling out into ongoing traffic – it was him that bumped my tail end.  Not a pedestrian.

“That asshole.”

My esthetician told me the most amazing stories on the ride home.  Crazy crazy stories about her visit to Saudi Arabia where she was held at gunpoint, and her friends living in Iran with abusive husbands.

The judges over there don’t allow divorce due to abuse (even if it was an arranged marriage to a man 34 years your senior and who already has wives) and they even tell the victims that it’s their own doing.

Not only that, but rape victims get thrown in jail, whipped, tortured, and one woman that she knew of was sentenced to disembowelment – they took out her intestines because she got gang raped.

Women are not allowed to be in the company of men who are not blood relatives or their husbands.  When seen in public, the woman is arrested, tortured, and thrown in jail.  This is what happened to my esthetician when she shared a cab with her male friend.  That’s when she was held at gunpoint and nearly raped by a gang of men claiming to be authority.

Hole-lee-shit.

I love America.  Americans don’t know how good they got it.

My esthetician – “I asked God to help me.  I kept thinking about that quote that says, ‘if you were to fall from a cliff, God will be there to catch you and if he’s not there to catch you, he’ll give you wings.’  And I was trusting God will help me and I heard him tell me that whatever happens, don’t leave the cab.  Don’t get out of the cab.  So I held onto the cab and refused to leave it.  They were punching me and kicking me in my side but I didn’t feel it.  They kept pulling and pulling on me to get out.  They couldn’t get me out and so they stopped.  I’ll never forget that day.  9 hours it lasted.”

*************

I’m exhausted.  Crowds man, they kill me.  Life kills me (literally).

You know, if God didn’t exist there wouldn’t be atheists.

Think about it.

Beliefs like that are trippy.  I can understand agnostics, but ANY hardcore belief trips me out.  Atheists have faith that there is no God, while everyone else has faith that there is.  It’s all the same.  Whether you do or you don’t, it’s the same.

That’s why I’m not a fan of faith.  I’m a fan of “knowing” and when I was under ayahuasca, she said that faith is not part of our spiritual evolution but actual “knowing” is.  Faith doesn’t exist in the spirit realm.  It’s just another lie we tell ourselves.  An illusion to help our ego’s control and understand.

Do you have faith that you exist?  No!  You know you exist.  Why?  Because we think.

{Completely off my original topic, but if our thoughts are the only proof of our existence, wouldn’t that mean the closer we get to silencing our thoughts, the closer we get to the source of its power?  The soul?

Now now wait, just hear me out a sec.  If we abolish the “self” and empty our contents, there wouldn’t be anything left separating us from the source.  I was high one night and totally understood this!  It’s our own fear that keeps our thoughts in place.

I tried and tried to empty my mind and meditate while I was high, but it was like a tug of war.  I kept holding on and it dawned on me that it was my own fear.

Ultimately, I believed that I would die if I let go of all thought.  No matter how ridiculous that sounded, I couldn’t deny my reasoning.  I was in fact, terrified of dying.}

Now back to our regular scheduled topic….

I understood this on an emotional level and it was immense (that faith doesn’t exist).  There IS no faith.  Faith is an illusion.  But how do you get to the “knowing” part?  Through suffering and in letting go.  Trust is real.

The words we use in everyday speech take on different meanings – deeper, emotionally felt meanings that can’t be put into words.  Trust and faith are not the same.

Trust is tangible while faith is a dream.  You’re able to let go because of trust – trust in that whatever happens, is meant to be.  And whatever you do, it’s all part of the process.

Trust the process!

Rational Brain – “Okay there Gandhi, let’s wrap things up before you go on one of your wild tangents.”

Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that?

The thing that gets to me is, some people don’t think it’s that bad over there in Saudi Arabia, Iran, Africa or wherever.  They say it’s their culture and it’s what they agree to.  It’s all they know and it’s not our place to fight it.

They turn a blind eye to it.  If we label the country as bad, than that means the entire nationality/race must be bad and us pious non-racists don’t adhere to that.

It really irks me that people do that.  They label an entire race or nationality of people based on what country they’re from.  They can’t separate the one from the whole and because of this, we allow bad behavior to continue because if we didn’t, we would hate and discriminate.

For example, if you agree that it’s not bad over in Saudi Arabia or Iran, but your ears perked up in agreement that yes, Africa IS bad – there’s a good chance that you’re a little prejudiced towards black people.  Unless that is, if you’re one in the few who can separate the one from the whole.

Another reason why we refuse to “discriminate” is that we don’t have the power to do anything about it.  We don’t have the power to help anyone.  And because we lack power, instead of admitting to our lack of power, we end up defending ourselves.  We defend ourselves by denying that there’s a problem in the first place.  All because of our ingracious ego’s.

I mean, to me, it’s the obvious reason why we turn our heads when we see others suffering (especially by our own hands).  We end up blaming the victim which is no different than sentencing them to death.  We all lack power and can’t let go of our own needs.

We are globally the same.

My esthetician – “I come to America and I get job, I get shelter, food, I get a big welcome.  But in Iran we get none of that.  We have only our family and our culture.”

This makes me think that the more we depend on our family to care for us, the harder it is to let go of culture and outdated beliefs.  If we were to let go of one, the others will topple like a 4 foot tall jenga.  Our world unravels and we are left with nothing.

It’s like instead of having both feet planted firmly on the truth, we’re stationed up in hammocks not wanting to get our feet wet.  The stronger your “faith” in the hammock, the less likely you are to get wet.

Fear…..

Aaaagh…..I can never up and leave to go live someplace else.  But what if I’m just looking at shadows on the wall?  This is my culture and I can’t see outside it?

Okay, new item on bucket list:  Live somewhere else for at least 6 months.

Rational Brain – “Are you done now?”

Hold on let me think…

Yup.

Rational Brain – “This is all said by someone who sped up after thinking she hit someone.”

Reflexes Rational Brain!  That was from reflexes!  It would’ve been their fault anyway!

Rational Brain – “Blaming victims are we?”

Oh shut up.  Just shut up.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s