Stomach cramps to the extreme, enrolling in Husky, and trying to sue a woman for slander all in today’s post

10 years ago I got really sick and sent to the ER for eating an entire loaf of beer battered bread drenched in french onion dip dressing made by the company Tastefully Simple.

You see, I attended a Tastefully Simple party one evening while I was famished and I ate small sample’s of their beer battered bread dipped in french onion dip and loved it so much (because everything tastes amazing when you’re hungry), that I went on ahead and ordered some to make for myself and well, I’m a child when it comes to it.  I can’t feed myself properly.

Anyway, I ended up at the ER with a lousy doctor having no bedside manner telling me I can end up with a colostomy bag and my intestines partially removed.  She said I should get biopsied to see if anything’s cancerous because apparently my insides are a mess.

Well, none of that happened.  I never got a biopsy and never had any part of my intestines removed.  I did however, get a bill for over $2000 which taken me stacks of time and paperwork to finagle myself out of paying it.

Long story long, a few days ago my tummy started up again with the incessant cramping, extreme fatigue, muscle aches and nausea.  It feels like menstrual cramps, but they’re not.

And so like the responsible adult that I am, I called up my landlord whining to him like a baby and asked him to sign me up to Husky because I don’t know how to do it myself and I might die if I wait any longer or worse, have my intestines removed and have to defecate into a bag around my leg.

My landlord helps people sign up for health coverage, it’s one of his many little services he offers.  But there was a bit of transference happening, I ain’t gonna lie.  The guy cares about me and has a ton of experience dealing with sick people.  He was very fatherly to me over the phone and I LOVE when people do that.  Because, well, I am a child.

And so now I’m a proud member of Husky healthcare.  The insurance for poor people which covers EVERYTHING.  They can provide me with food stamps and cell phone coverage if I deem it necessary (which I don’t).

My landlord said that I have to take advantage of it now before I start making money next year because Obamacare is way worse than Husky with their high deductibles and selected doctors.

I laid in bed for most of the day with frozen tater tots on my belly.  I’m going to hold off on seeing a doctor until it’s absolutely necessary simply because, well, shit man I don’t want to get biopsied for cancer.  Can you imagine waiting for those results?  Not for me, no thanks.

But I’m going to look into getting my wisdom teeth removed so they stop f*cking up my mouth and have my eyes checked especially for night blindness.

In other news, Sara Evil, the crazy woman who wrote that nasty review about me, sent me an irate email about how I cancelled her appointments yesterday without her consent.

One of my therapists wrote her an email confirmation explaining that since she was a “no show” for her previous appointment, can she please respond back to confirm it this time.

Then I read the review she left and so logically I had to cancel her – screw that shit.  But I knew in the back of my mind that no matter what I did, she was going to screw us over.  Either by not showing up, or complaining that her appointments got cancelled and guess what?  I was right.

When we cancel a client, they get an automatic email notification saying that their massage been cancelled.

Here’s what she wrote:

I cannot believe you cancelled my appointments because I didn’t confirm with you. You didn’t even give me time to respond. I didn’t get to check my email until 3pm, which by that time I got the cancellation notice. What kind of business do you run? This is ridiculous. I had booked those massages for my husband and I for our anniversary, and was surprising him. So, thanks to you, it was all ruined! I never booked the massage in which you claim I no showed, so I don’t know what you’re talking about. If I had booked a massage, I would surely show up. What is the number you have on file for me?

We have what’s called a “four-handed massage.”  It’s when a client gets massaged by two therapists at the same time.  Well, she booked two of them after having written that nasty review about us.

I tactfully responded with:

Whoa there, settle down. We were all there and you still could’ve came in for your massage but we didn’t hear anything back from you. Have you ever been here before? It looks like you’ve never showed up for any massages you booked in the past.

Thanks,

Melanie

If she responds with, “no I never been there before”, than I can sue her for slander because her email address is tied in with her Yelp review claiming that she has been here before.  But unfortunately, she’s too smart for that and caught on to what I was doing so she never responded.  She’s probably busy making new aliases so she can write up even more false reviews and in which case, I’ll delete my Yelp account.

As far as my Groupons go, they started selling again today.  So even with her review, we’re still getting clients in here.  I sold 20 today and felt the cramping in my stomach subside and the black cloud removed from my heart.

So, whew, right?  Now I just have to worry about my health and honestly, I’m not even worried about that.

I’m back again at being my happy ol’ self.  It was all just another episode in my life, one of several dozen that usually never make it into my blog.  But I have time now.  I have time as long as it’s not a Friday or Sunday – the two days I’m still scheduled to work.

Deep breath Mel, it’s over.

Why does every goddamned thing I go through have to be so freaking gut wrenching?  Literally this time!?

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