Don’t read this. It’s boring.

Here’s my day yesterday;

I worked, came home, ate, worked, came home, ate, worked, came home, ate.

I only had three clients but my day was shot and I got nothing done.  I’m not working as much as before, but I’m still working just as much if that makes sense.  The horrible part is that they’re ALL REQUESTS!

Most of them are from my old business, Massage by Melanie.  They text me, call the office, email – doing anything they can to score an appointment with me.

Yesterday I had three, the day before that I had four, today I have four.  I can’t escape it.  And not only can I not escape it, but why do these people love me so much?  There’s at least over 60 of them by now.  At least over 60.  And I grew close to many of them.

That’s the crummy thing.  Being close to them.  Feeling what they feel, caring about them.  All the while I’m wishing they’d adhere to one of my employee’s just as they do with me.

This situation reminds me of my social life.

I’m the type of person who doesn’t like having a lot of friends.  All I need is one or two good ones and then I have them become friends with the new people I acquire because it’s like killing two birds with one stone.  Nobody feels left out and it’s less work for me.  It’s like I create a home for myself.  One where I’m free to roam, but everything’s still in tact when I return.

My employee’s are my home-base and my clients are the new people I acquire.

When it comes down to it, having free time is something that I yearn for.  It’s just as valuable to me as money.  In fact, I would say my time is more valuable than money and the only reason I value money is for the sake that it buys freedom.

Massage exhausts me just as having a lot of friends exhausts me.  I should be nobody’s answer.

It’s just that I feel like I have something to do.  Something really important.  Something that requires me to have only one bucket (if you read my bucket post you’d know what I mean).

And I’ve always felt this way!  Ever since I could remember I always felt that I had something of the upmost importance to do in this life, but I’m always being pulled away from it.

I’m laying in bed on a Sunday morning.  A week away from spring.

This has literally been the longest winter of my life.  I left for Thailand while it was cold out, and I came back from Thailand while it was at it’s coldest – and it’s still cold!

I feel like a kid again reliving long seasons that last a lifetime.  It’s as though the other seasons never existed.

I’m staring at a micro-current facial machine.  It’s on a rolling cart here in my bedroom.  It’s like I’m sitting on a winning lottery ticket but I’m too busy to cash it in.  But if I do cash it in, I can finally have my time, my freedom.

My life is like an RPG video game – it’s just like an RPG!  I work, I toil, collect money to spend on upgrades, build up experience points to ward off infiltration from demons.  What I mean by demons, I mean my personal demons.

I keep racking up points until I defeat all fear and then I can finally claim the freedom I worked so hard for.

It’s now a few days later.

My employee broke her arm.

She broke her arm!!  Do you have any idea how much it sucks for a massage therapist to break an arm?  It sucks.  It sucks a lot.  Especially if you have three kids and massaging is your only source of income.

Employee – “Would I be able to answer phones until it’s all better?”

Of course she can answer phones.  In fact, I’m in desperate need of a receptionist.  Not only that, but I care about this employee a LOT.

My new therapist, the man I hired to work weekends, will pick up her morning shifts during the week.  Everything will be okay.

As soon as I hire an esthetician to do micro-current facials, my income will increase enough to train my broken armed therapist to learn ashiatsu.  She can walk on clients backs so she won’t even need her arm.

Last night I spent over $300 to post an esthetician job.  I’m using Ziprecruiter, Monster and Indeed.  Zip recruiter sucks by the way, don’t use them.

Waiting for an esthetician to apply is like waiting for spring.

My other therapist just texted me saying that she burnt her hand and can’t take her client tonight which means I have to do it.  I was planning to go indoor rock climbing but when you’re a business owner, you basically have no life outside of work.

I’m here now.  Sitting in work manning the phones.  It’s slow today so my morning girl blocked her day off and didn’t come in and the other one is recuperating until tomorrow when she can start answering phones here.

I’m only here for the phones and the occasional walk-in customer.  I don’t mind working as long as it doesn’t involve massaging people.  Unfortunately, I have to tonight because my therapist burnt her hand.

A few days ago I massaged a woman from my old building that I used to work at.

Client – “There were other massage therapists renting spaces there before you did and none of them made it.  You’re the only one who made a real go of it.”

Me – “I literally had no life outside of work.  I was always there.”

Client – “And you’re smart.  You know how to market yourself.  You knew how to put a website together.”

None of them made it….Am I special?  Am I smart?

That’s what I was thinking just before my head blew up and I felt like the god of massage.

No, I’m still not there yet.  I’m still working way too much for me to label myself successful.  God of massage? Yes.  Successful?  No.

It’s so nice here when nobody else is here.  I can crank up the music and unleash my consciousness into the void (AKA dance).

I’m currently working on a new form of meditation.  Well, it’s not new exactly – I’ve been practicing it since I first began writing 20 years ago.  It’s complete and utter honesty meditation.  Authentic soul meditation is what I call it.

You can only grow as a person when you’re being completely honest with yourself.  You bypass the ego and strike pure heart.  It’s like when you do something over and over again – it doesn’t matter what it is – you eventually hit the sweet spot of no ego and you can call yourself a master.

I want mastery of the self.

So how am I feeling right at this very moment?  What’s going on in my head?

It’s so weird to know that all this business stuff I talk about is completely irrelevant in comparison to the bigger picture.

What am I feeling right now?

Tired.  My spirit is repelled by the thought of massaging people and it’s making me tired beyond reason.

I have more clients than I know what to do with – more clients than any massage therapist I know of.  How is this possible?  I never met a massage therapist that didn’t like her job.  Never.  And I never met one with as many clients as I have.  Nothing adds up.  None of it makes sense.

A new client just walked in and her therapist isn’t here yet.  Adonis, my male therapist.  Where is he?  She’s really early though.

It’s a good thing I came into work today.

Having my broken armed therapist answer phones and sit here will be a huge asset for when stuff like this happens.  Plus the phone rang at least 5 times while I was here.

Yesterday was Monday, my day off.  I worked from home for the first three hours after waking up and then laid in bed for the rest of the day watching anime on crunchyroll.  Anime has it’s own version of Netflix and it’s called Crunchyroll.  $8 dollars a month, ad free cartoons.

I didn’t feel like cooking, so I ate whatever I could find in the fridge.  Four hard-boiled eggs and a few slices of spam that my brother fried up for his breakfast earlier.  And that lasted me all day.

I laid around watching cartoons, eating hard-boiled eggs and spam.  The worst part of this scenario is that there was no other place I’d rather be and nothing else I’d rather be doing.

I feel bad.  The client is just sitting here waiting for Adonis.  It’s awkward for me.  I never know what to say to people.  Whew, he’s here.

So the thing is, with being brutally honest with one’s self is that, well, it’s all perspective.  There IS no truth, no real honesty.  I’ve written about it before.  That “I”, my “self” does not exist.

A couple days ago I was talking with a friend who only see’s the bad.  She only see’s that I was negative $10,000 last year, only see’s that I have $500 in my savings account, only see’s that I still live at home.  She thought me going to Thailand during the holiday season was a mistake when I should’ve been here raking in the dough with holiday specials.

Of course she’s right but she’s right from her perspective.  From my perspective, everything is going according to plan and since this is my life to live, I’m not going to wait to live it until everything’s “settled”.  I’m already 35 and I don’t want to miss anymore of it than I already did.  I never want to live with regret, or to lose sight of what’s really important.

And besides, when you factor in how much I accomplished last year – all my member clients, all my new therapists, getting out of my stink hole office, I’d say that I’m doing a pretty bang up job.

And so I’ll eat my spam and hard-boiled eggs while watching cartoons all day – that’s exactly what I wanted to do yesterday and I still have fond memories of it.

I haven’t been having any weird dreams lately.  It’s like I’m too tightly folded into this world of business to ponder anything else.  I’m still too busy.

When I start having my crazy-ass profound dreams again, I’ll know that I’m free once again from everyday toil.

I’m tired, still.  My client will be here in 15 minutes.

I’m not happy with this post but screw it.  It’ll be a long while until I’m happy with any posts.  I’m shooting for the summer.

4 Comments

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4 responses to “Don’t read this. It’s boring.

  1. I don’t know why I always find your posts so fascinating… I really do just think you’re a marvellous, admirable human being. Good luck with everything xx

    • Thanks Poet! I don’t have any idea how to respond to you without revealing to everyone how huge my ego is so I’m just going to say thanks! And blush a whole lot 🙂

  2. Ava

    Keep on doing you… I’m enjoying it thoroughly! Let me know when you next head to this desert…❤️

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