I’m watching the first episode of PeeWee’s Playhouse on Netflix just like any baby from the 80’s would do.
I worked for two hours today and now I’m delightfully enjoying my newly acquainted freedom.
Oh shit, Morpheus from the Matrix is playing a goofy cowboy and some animated fish just called a fat lady a whale. The 80’s were wack. They were wiggidy wiggidy wiggidy wack.
Melalecki high mecca high knee ho, wack.
I lost something very special to me a few days ago. It was an epic blog post.
The above predilection of PeeWee’s Playhouse was all that I could salvage, and it’s the least epic part of the post.
It was a legendary debate between myself and my rational brain. A superb, unequaled piece of art. A post like that is hard to come by, at least on here it is, Melanie’s life online.
I almost decided never to write again. Like losing a love that can not be replaced. I can love no more.
But if you gave an immortal chimp a typewriter and told him to aimlessly punch the keys for infinity, it’s statistically proven that he’ll eventually write Hamlet word for word by random chance.
There’s many a possibility found in the great mystery. You only need to find the right typewriter and by random chance, the words will come and eventually you’ll rip the horn off the unicorn to place it on your mantle. Something that adds definition to your shining light.
You know that old saying, “if you want to be a good cook, you have to learn how to taste”?
No, of course you haven’t. You haven’t heard of it because I just thought of it now. But it sounds like it’s an old saying, right?
Know your secret spices, your ingredients. You can’t be afraid of tasting just because you tasted something bad. In this case, a lost blog post.
Too scared I’ll lose another and too tired of rewriting more of the same. My taste buds become uninspired and acquiesce to the bland, safer flavors.
But man, I really miss that post….
It’s 10am on a blistery cold snowy day in February.
Here in New England, Connecticut to be precise, the temperature will rise next month by 10 degree’s. In April they will rise again by another 10 degree’s. It will keep rising by 10 degree’s until September when it starts going down by 10. And it keeps going down by 10 until March. Mathematicians who like symmetry would love living here.
One more month….
Brianna, my travel buddy, told me that female pigs can’t be placed in a pen together because the alpha female will eat the vulva’s of the other pigs. I mean, they’d literally eat them – take a big bite out of them. It made me sick to my stomach thinking about it. The idea of it got me hating pigs. They’re disgusting, vile creatures.
I told my parents about these nasty pigs over our exquisite Chinese buffet dinner and my dad told me that it’s not just pigs that do it, it’s a common occurrence in the animal kingdom.
My heart sank because according to my understanding that all pigs are vile, evil creatures, this means that ALL animals must be vile, evil creatures. But this belief conflicts with my love of animals. I can’t believe both at the same time. Cripes, I even think the pigs pictured above are adorable.
“Maybe not all are vile….” I thought to myself.
It’s just like it is with people. Some are crazy, while others, not so much.
I have no interest in tearing a person down for personal gain, but I lived through and experienced what it’s like. If you take down a threat, you’re awarded with power. You feel distinguished by it. And if you’re cunning enough, you can win over the hearts of others because of it. This is why women gossip. It’s another ploy at eating vulva’s.
I never thought of anybody as a threat. That’s the thing. There’s no need for me to eat vulva’s. Just as it is with my natural inclination towards loving animals, I have a stubborn natural inclination to love myself.
Rational Brain – “How does loving yourself have anything to do with eating vulva’s?”
I don’t know, it just does. I feel it’s correct, okay?
Rational Brain – “Don’t be lazy, think. This is why I debate with you after-all.”
Okay okay, I’ll refer back to my ayahuasca teachings. Give me a sec….
Rational Brain – “Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”
It’s about faith. The one true most purest love you can have is synonymous with faith.
Rational Brain – “This sounds awfully familiar to me but please, go on.”
You rise above fear. When there is no fear, there are no threats and when you don’t consider something a threat, compassion is born into the equation. You lose your appetite for vulva’s.
Rational Brain – “Repeat it one more time only leaving out all your self-righteous bullshit.”
I know, I hate the way that bullshit sounds too. I sound transfixed and crazy. Okay, how’s this….
– By loving yourself, you eliminate your own demons, you eliminate eating your own vulva.
Rational Brain – “How though? I need specifics. Connect the freaking dots. Not to mention how crazy that sounds!”
Give me a minute and I’ll tie it together. This is a process, okay? It ain’t easy.
Rational Brain – “What ev’s..”
We are naturally inclined towards survival, right? Survival means adapting to something that ensure’s our own safety. This is how we learn fear. People who don’t venture out or follow their hearts, avoid people or things they consider a “threat”, they are in the end, eating their own vulva (or other people’s vulva’s as long as they’re cunning and manipulative enough). They have fear and where there is fear, there is no faith in yourself. You like things done a certain way in order to control this fear. To do anything outside of your comfort level, brings about the obvious “discomfort”. The more you like things done a certain way, the more fear you have. You never leave your box and end up gaining power through judging others because you have none of your own.
Rational Brain – “That’s all well and good but how does loving yourself change all that?”
Because love is faith!
Rational Brain – “But how is it faith?! We’re back at the beginning!”
Arg…When you love yourself in the purest form that ayahuasca described (we’re not spiritually evolved enough to understand this love, keep that in mind), you rise. You rise light as a feather. It’s like falling in love.
In my post that was sadly taken away from me, I wrote about what makes people fall in love.
Rational Brain – “I remember that. It made my synapses bleed girly menstrual blood.”
Um, graphic much?….but anyway, in short, people fall in love because they get inspired. And inspiration comes from asking the questions “why?” or “how?”
“How do they do that?” “What made them that way?” or, “How can I do that too?”
The things that don’t belong anywhere in your current understanding, are what’s appealing. Anything that makes you curious is considered fascinating and/or beautiful.
Like a daisy growing out of concrete, or a purple pebble amidst a sea of grey ones. Anything outside your current level of experience (understanding), and you wish to learn more about it – are the things you fall in love with.
When you love yourself in the pure form, you find yourself being the daisy, or the purple rock. Curious, full of mystery and potential too.
When we are interested in a person, they most often come off as mysterious. And what that mystery really is, is potential. In a way, it’s your potential.
Basically, when you love yourself, you fall in love with your own potential. Your own imagination. Having a muse in your life awakens your own self-love.
Most artists are wrongly accused of egocentricity and narcissism, while in fact the people making those allegations are only vulva eaters themselves. Stealing power they didn’t earn. The artist can drown in a sea of grey rocks while vying to better the world.
The contemplators in my head a few days ago were arguing back and forth about this world being built solely by our imaginations. Imagination creates everything we see and nature provides the fruits of our labor to see it through.
If imagination is Godly, and I somehow linked imagination with the purest form of love (which is said to be God), than perhaps I’m on to something?
We love the people we want to get to know better. If we love ourselves, we want to get to know ourselves better. And the people we love inspires our own potential for growth. Love breeds more love until it stagnates into fear. Fear breeds more fear.
This is why I write. I love myself in the purest form and I want to know myself better. I consider myself that lonely purple rock amidst a sea of grey ones. I want to stretch my potential and achieve my goals, I want to create. And by creating, I influence and evolve the world – our sole reason for us being here is to evolve according to ayahuasca.
Rational Brain – “Did you forget that out of the billions of people inhabiting this world, only 2 actually read your blog?”
Shut up that’s not the point. Maybe I can influence them in other ways.
Rational Brain – “Only insecure people boast about themselves.”
I’m not boasting, I’m explaining. It just sounds like boasting is all.
But because I feel this way about myself, I’m not afraid of a grey rock eating away at my vulva – it’s an impossibility. And staying in my comfort zone, eating my own vulva for survival purposes, is not an issue. That’s just gross people, come on.
Rational Brain – “Damn girl….”
If you scroll up to where I first mentioned vulva eating, I was going to talk about an entirely different topic.
Rational Brain – “What topic was that?”
Hold on and let me make sure this previous topic is closed. I want to make sure I can clearly understand what I’m talking about. Hold up.
Oh shit, I changed.
Rational Brain – “Waddya mean you changed?”
I changed over the years. I didn’t have as much faith in myself as I do now. I was on the same level as the grey rocks for a while.
I lived in fear because I was living in my comfort zone for far too long. I was eating my own vulva – don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t always like that. When I was 18 I tried out a plethora of jobs and applied myself. I was young and well aware of my potential. But as I got older and nothing changed, I slowly sank down to be with the grey rocks. Aging makes you scared. Scared of losing life, losing time. You slip into your comfort zone (survival mode), and lose your love (curiosity, potential). You escape by keeping yourself busy, or inebriated. Usually both. Clinging to those stronger than you but never coming to fruition yourself. Being enabled.
I only started to rise again once I hit bottom. Oddly enough, it helped that I didn’t have a stronger person to cling to that would enable me.
Rational Brain – “Kind of like the temperature rising and falling.”
Rational Brain – “With you hitting rock bottom and then rising up again. It’s like New England’s monthly temp’s.”
Rational Brain – “I really hope you’re not bi-polar.”
Well if I am, I’m loving it.
I don’t know if any person reading this will understand any of it, but while you’re trying to comprehend it all, I’m laying here in bed and it feels like I’m stepping back to take in the view of what I’ve drawn after connecting all the dots.
It’s 11:16. It taken me a little over an hour to write all that. An immortal chimp clacking away at random keys is not needed. I’ve found my own decent “Hamlet”.
Rational Brain – “So what was your original intention for mentioning the vulva eating pigs?”
Hold on, I haven’t read everything I’ve written yet. Give me a sec. There may be more on this topic.
Grey rocks are sociopaths.
Rational Brain – “Say what?”
If you’re living in fear as a grey rock, you become a narcissistic sociopath. When I was working at Massage Envy, I started seeing this in myself and so I wrote about it and tried making a joke of it.
You can only understand the things you’ve experienced, so I’m thankful that I was a grey rock. Understanding helps facilitate compassion. Once you understand something, you no longer fear it. And you can change your colors back to purple, or blue, or whatever your favorite color is. A diamond perhaps?
Totally off topic, but I consulted the I-Ching asking it who I am and it said (exact quote) “Once I learn fear, I am safe from terror by outside influences.”
I-Ching is furrealz yo. I believe in it 100%. So much so that it freaks me out.
Damn, my client still wants to come in for his massage at 3:00. I just emailed him NO.
Okay so anyway, my original intention for bringing up vulva eating pigs was to tell you about a dream I had last night, or this morning rather.
I dreamt a huge pig – the biggest fattest pig I’ve ever seen was chasing after me. I thought it was one of those vulva eating pigs so I was terrified, naturally. But when the pig caught up to me, he put my whole head in its mouth. I was waiting for him to bite down, but he didn’t. He slobbered all over my head before letting me go and nonchalantly walked away. Everyone told me that it was the pig’s way of saying he liked me.
So anyway, back in my bathroom in real life, I went to my trusty dream dictionary authored by the great all-knowing Migene González-Wippler and looked up what it meant to dream of a pig.
Huge success in business is what it means. HUGE gains.
I’m interviewing two independent contractors tomorrow for at-home massage visits. I lose no money by hiring them and if it works out, it will be fair and lucrative for us both.
I have a free mini-micro current facial on Wednesday at 9am. The woman who does them is insanely busy with clients and all she does is micro-current facials. It’s inspiring me to want to add them to the menu at work, ergo, I’m falling in love with it’s potential. Inspired for growth!
I received a coupon for a free micro-current facial during an open house at a yoga studio I attended a few months back.
And so I’m going on Wednesday to see what they’re like and to snoop around to see how she has everything set up. Does she wear gloves? Do I need a bright light to put in people’s faces like with dentists? What brand of equipment does she use?
So much to do in 15 minutes…..
After I get a general idea of what I need, I’m going to set up my room similar to how she’s got it and post a job for an esthetician who has a micro-current facial certificate. If they’re not certified, I’ll pay half of their tuition for the two day course as long as they’re willing to work at least 20 hours a week. The total cost of the course is $450. They get $17 an hour when they have a client and $10 for when they don’t.
I have to hold off on getting my machine because if I have to send an esthetician to school to get trained, I’ll be approved for the student discount (I already called and asked) and the $4,000 that the machine costs will be slightly less.
So it’s a wash for me if the esthetician is trained or not, either way I’ll save money. I’ll save money on the machine with the student discount and if they’re already trained, I’ll save money by not needing to train them.
I’m not waiting a couple months until I save enough money. I’m doing it all now. The money will come.
In the meantime, my finances are in the red zone. At least for three days they are. The total amount of money in the bank is a meager $5,633. But that’s after I paid rent, and before I bulk charged my member clients. I’m also receiving a check for over $400 from the Record Journal, Groupon is sending me $3000 on the 20th for tripling the amount of groupons I sell, I’m still making a steady $100 a day with random services and gift certs as long as snow doesn’t screw things up. This time next month I’ll be in good shape, at least, I won’t be negative than what I’ve started with this month.
Anyway, I think I’m done writing for today. I’m worried about my client not responding to the email I sent him. God I hope he doesn’t show up.
My brothers spa is closed today and he’s watching scary movies with his girlfriend on the couch. I don’t feel bad not going in because if other places are closed, I’m closed too.
And now I shall retire for the rest of the day and play….DUN dun DUN; South Park, the stick of truth. It’s hilarious. I’m sad to say that I’d rather stay in playing video games than go outside and take a fun refreshing ride on the snow mobile. Kids today…..80’s babies are wiggedy wack.