Reality Check

Nope I’m not rich.  I was way off.  How off was I?  If rich is the Ritz Carlton, then I am a tarp.  Not even a nice tarp.  A soggy ripped tarp that’s been left behind by a homeless man who found a better tarp.

I was at a five star hotel last week ordering room service with over $15,000 in the bank – not a care in the world.  This week I’m eating mom’s leftovers and I’m down to having $8,000 in the bank.  Where did it go?  No, seriously.  Where the hell did $7,000 go?

Bills and taxes.  And my employee’s got paid three times in December as opposed to their usual two.

I’m once again at an impasse with my business.  I’m at an impasse financially but I NEED to rent the two empty rooms upstairs so I can add ashiatsu massage.  I need a reason for clients to stay members with us – I HAVE to add more options.  But it will cost thousands of dollars to do this.

I don’t know what to do.  I can wait two weeks until I bulk charge my membership clients (I charge them on the first day of every month) and see where that leaves me, or I can wait a few months until it feels safe enough to splurge.  But if I wait a few months, my members might start dwindling in numbers and I’ll never get ahead if that happens.  I’ll always break even, or worse.  Keeping members should be my priority.

Shit shit shit.

In the meantime, I got back from Thailand the day before last and I’ve been working non-stop since.  Not only that, but people want to see me.  My friends want to see me but I’m so damn exhausted that literally I can go a full 6-months in solitude without getting lonely – at least 6 months. I have so much shit to do.  I have to do my friggin’ taxes….

My favorite place, my one favorite place that I missed the most while I was away was my bed.  I want to lay in it.  I want to nap as much as a person can possibly nap and then wake up and draw a picture, then nap some more only to wake up and write an epic blog post, then eat, then sleep, and wake up as late as I want and I’ll do the same thing I did the day before only with hiking thrown in there somewhere.  I really need to exercise.

But I have all this other stuff.  Too much of it.  I can never get married, never have kids – never have so much as a boyfriend with my attitude.  It’s unfathomable.

If our actions define who we are, then what does it mean when my actions consists of shit?  Where does the shit end and I begin?  Or am I merely a shit person with shit stuff to do?  Shit actions.

My friend is calling me.  She’s been at it since I got back.  Enticing me with beer so I’d come over.  I need another vacation.  I have three more people to massage today.  NOOOOO!

I need to hire another therapist.  I need to not massage anymore.

I’m skyping Brianna, my travel buddy, at 3 o’clock today.  She misses me.  But I’m afraid she’s going to start talking about plans for our next adventure and at this point, it feels like it’ll be years until I have that opportunity again.

I just want it to be over.  Building up my business I mean.  I want it to be stable, to have it’s five massage rooms, 8 therapists (not including myself) and one esthetician, ashiatsu and micro current facials.  One receptionist who manages the place while I’m not there.  Once I have all that, I’ll be free.  Then I’ll really be rich.

I’m happy with my false alarm however.  It was a little window into what it feels like to have money.  And it made me realize that money is not evil, it’s the opposite of evil.  You can’t help people and you can’t help yourself without it.  You’ll never feel settled and you’ll always have the fear associated with bad moods and depression.

Money makes you transcend all that.  Oh and to lay in bed…..OMG to lay in bed!  Have you ever laid in bed without any cares?  It’s like a hot shower after having a month of cold ones.

I know I’m childish, but having my bed right here and not being able to lay in it is like Christmas day watching all your cousins play with your new toys while you patiently wait until they leave so you can have them all to yourself.

I need to get my uniform back on and Skype Brianna before work.

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Filed under journal, rant

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