Oh God blog…..
I can’t seem to catch up to anything. My thoughts, my debt, my job, my life.
I got back from Ecuador, hmmm, when did I get back? Three days ago? Four? My suitcase is still laying where I left it before slipping into bed after a long two weeks. An awesome two weeks.
I have no time to unpack just like I have no time to write. I’m laying in filth which I call my bedroom.
Destroyed since my brother decided to go on a cleaning spree while I was away and threw a bunch of my old stuff in my room in order to “clean” his area of the house. A guitar, old mail, storage containers, a life-size cardboard cut-out of Legolas from Lord of the Rings (don’t ask).
I gave one of my employee’s more hours. Two extra shifts hoping that will free up some space. So I don’t have to work so much. But it seems like no matter how many hours I give my employee’s, I’m still fully booked from 11-8 six days a week. Mornings and nights, before and after work, I find myself working still.
I need one more employee. Just one more. To take this burden away. But I haven’t done the math yet. I have yet to do the math to figure out if or when I can hire another. All the numbers are there from last month – how much I made, how much I paid, my projected income for the months ahead – it’s all there.
But instead of pouring over the numbers, I’m writing this blurb. A blurb that tells you absolutely nothing about anything of real importance.
It’s like having a lump of upset in your throat, only it’s in the pit of my stomach. A tightening, a sort of wrenching feeling of constipation, only I’m not constipated (I ate so much freaking papaya). My heart is beating so fast.
Oh God blog….
I’ve sold 74 memberships so far. I need to do last months numbers to figure out how many more I need to sell in order for me to start breaking even every month. But it’s a catch-22. From every angle, it’s a catch-22.
If I continue having all these clients, giving shitty massages because I’m so damn worn out, I’ll never sell more than 74 – who would want to get a monthly shitty massage from me? Not to mention I can’t get myself out there to market my business whilst I’m busy giving shitty massages all day.
Solution? Hire another therapist. Catch-22? I can’t hire another therapist until I can make sure I can afford them. I can make sure I can afford them by selling more memberships.
And the members that I DO have, I’ve promised them easy bookings. They can get in whenever they want whether it be short notice or not.
I’m not keeping this promise. All of us are completely booked solid for the next seven days. There are five of us! What members are going to want to stay if they can’t get in?
We have 550 online deals still circulating out there. Once they get redeemed, we’ll have more space.
There’s always some kind of crunch to go through, you know what I mean? Two months ago I was going through the online deal crunch – groupon debt. This month I’m going through an entirely different crunch. 74 monthly members need to be able to conveniently schedule with us at the same time we’re redeeming all those stupid online deals. Member clients make up 90% of our income (I’m not making anymore from the online deals), so they are priority, however, I need those online deal clients to sell more memberships (not to mention to keep my employee’s booked). Catch-22.
And I’m drowning in skin, lotion, limp bodies, back and neck pain, sore legs, empty stomach, no sleep, stress.
I need to do those numbers. I need another therapist. I haven’t been eating away into my personal line of credit yet, in fact, I paid half of it off leaving me with a remaining $4,500 of debt. The only thing that could bring me into borrowing money again is a new hire – it’s the only thing that can tilt the scale.
But if I allow myself to borrow again, will I eventually be able to pay it off once we sell more memberships? How long will it take to sell enough memberships until I can stop borrowing?
Oh. My. God. Blog.
Growth seems to happen on a gamble. Although, I don’t like to think of it as a gamble, but an investment. We plant crops on a gamble hoping they’ll grow. If we don’t plant, there will be no growth and where there is no growth, we find ourselves scrambling to the nearest wild berry brush, gnawing on cattails and grubs. Always starving.
Do I start planting or start preparing for a hard winter? Catch-22…..
Ayahuasca told me she will give to me as long as I give to her. The more I drink, purge, let go, surrender, don’t slink away into control and darkness – she will show me everything that I’m ready to understand. If only I give to her everything I have. My heart, my curiosity, my strength. I’ll get it all back.
How much faith do I have?
I go through this every time I hire someone new. A period of torment. And after each new hire I always exhale and say to myself “now I can relax. Now I won’t need to work so much.” And each time I’m wrong.
Shit I need to sleep. Sorry for these types of posts. They are mainly for myself so I can record my progress.
I’ll write about my trip to Ecuador after I crunch those numbers. My next post I’ll tell you exactly how much I make and what I pay each month. As of now I don’t know if I’m plus or minus. Literally no idea.
Monday. I’ll figure it all out on Monday.