A snake slithered into my dream the other night. He was violent, vicious. Without hesitation, I tried grabbing him by its head. “It’s the only way,” I thought to myself, “for it to stop biting.”
But the more I grabbed for him, the harder he bit me. I physically felt the sting of his fangs.
I knew that if I didn’t capture him right then and there, I’d have to live in fear. Anticipating his next move. Not only that, but I was already bitten. If he was poisonous, then I had nothing to lose – the poison was already in me. To stop now meant that all those previous bites served no purpose. To run now, expelling the poison, healing myself, only to get bit later on, will cause the process to happen again and again. Attack. Pain. Heal. Attack. Pain. Heal.
Walking away was not the strong choice, but the cowardice choice. Choosing fear means to live with it.
And so I decided to capture him. No matter how much it hurt, I chose courage over fear.
And I did end up catching him in the end. I grabbed him by his head and watched his jaw unhinge baring watery fangs that shot poison at me like water guns.
I’m not sure if poison actually shoots out of fangs, but in my dream it did.
He flailed in my grasp. The poison in me was gone. The snake could no longer harm me.
I woke up and looked my hand over to make sure it had no bites on it. No bites, but it felt sore. I had a lingering ghost pain that was all in my head.
Damn my dreams….. Ever so vivid. Blood, puncture wounds, real pain. My brain is so damn powerful.
What does it mean?
Sometimes you can’t choose your battles. Nobody chooses what snakes bite them.
“So basically your dream is telling you to seize your fears by their head, correct?”
“And by walking away is in fact, the weaker choice?”
Uh huh that’s right.
“Can’t you see that both choices are not actually choices at all?”
Please don’t over-think and complicate things. You know how seriously I take my dreams.
“Hear me out for a second, I think I’m on to something.”
What-ev buddy, it’s late and I need sleep.
“In both cases you’re letting fear govern your actions. They’re not self-aware or realized choices – they are not awake choices.”
You’re not sounding like my normal snarky rational brain. What’s with you tonight?
“It feels to me like it doesn’t matter. Whether you walk away or you don’t, it doesn’t matter. There will always be another snake, you know? If you really want to grab fear by its head, you’ll have to grab fear itself, and not the thing you’re afraid of. There is no snake. There is no fear.”
I hate to do this to you, but I need sleep. You’re not acting like your normal self. We’ll talk more about it tomorrow.
Seriously though, you’re sounding crazy.
“Okay okay goodnight.”
It’s a couple days later and I’m laying in bed completely exhausted. I want to hide away from the world. Am I depressed or legitimately tired? Tired. Definitely tired. And okay, maybe a little depressed.
I saw my tarot reader today, the Wise Woman. She was at the Guilford Renaissance fair. She told me that money will soon come and I’m better off than I think.
It’s just that…… I’M SO FREAKING TIRED!
I’m working a lot now so I won’t have to work anymore later, but I’m missing everything in the meantime. I’m missing the here and now – my LIFE. Those buckets I wrote about a few days ago – that’s all true. Totally true. Even when I’m here, or out in the world socializing, I’m not here exactly – you know? It’s like I need more time. Just a little more time for myself.
The tarot reader today told me that I needed a place to go to be alone. But being alone won’t pay for my $4,000 in monthly bills. Being alone won’t empty my buckets. It’s not just about having time alone, it’s about finding contentment.
This is how everybody lives; First money, then love. First fix your life to avoid worry, then find your passion, find your voice. It can’t be found at the bottom of a worry bucket.
The Wise Woman also told me that I’m battling what’s important in life. Love or money – the two cards intersected each other portraying a conflict of interest.
It’s only been three months since I decided to expand my business. I’ve been open now for a little over a month. But in those three months, I’ve done nothing but work, worry, and spend money. I HATE spending money. And where’s my blog in all this? I need to write. I don’t want to, I need to. At least just a little. But I can’t (this post has taken me weeks to write).
There is only DO, not try, do. And I’m choosing money over love. Snakes everywhere.
Okay, I gotta go. Thanks for the chat.
“But what about our discussion about the snakes? When I said there is no fear, there are no snakes?”
Oh yeah, about that…..
It’s a faith thing. We fear because we worry and we worry because we lack faith. Courageous people tackle their fears in order to rid them and in return, they gain confidence and faith in themselves. It’s just that everybody either runs, or they forget everything. They forget how amazing they are. Plus, being that we’re all interconnected and can only evolve together, we’re stuck battling everyone else’s fears. We’re entangled in everyone else’s shit until we wake the EFF up and make the connections. Seeing the connections, how our fear meshes with other people’s, that’s when we wake up.
All of us have snakes because we all lack faith. This is why we’re here, to learn faith. It can’t be learned while running and forgetting.
“So you still believe then, that walking away is the cowards choice?”
Yes. Absolutely. Walking away, living in denial, any type of escape, to me, is cowardly.
“What about the power of letting go? Ayahuasca made a huge stink about it, don’t you remember? Or are you too stubborn and living in your own denial?”
Denial is not the same as letting go. Finding ways to distract yourself is not the same as letting go. Letting go can only happen with compassion, and most of the world is bereft of it. If we felt compassionate towards the snake, if we understood him, we’ll have nothing to fear from him. If he attacks, we’ll be able to understand his pain – his fear. It’s the snakes fear, not our own, that causes us to run, to judge, to hate.
“So in a sense, we become the snake?”
“Alright, I have no more arguments. Only, how do you stop the pain from the attack? Even if you are compassionate and understanding, how do you stop from bleeding?”
Once you’re compassionate enough, the sting won’t hurt. The snake loses his power to harm you. That is of course, speaking metaphorically about the snake. As long as you’re living in fear, the sharper the snakes fangs are to bite you with. The only snakes that attack are the ones attracted to your fear (karma). You can’t let go of your fear without confronting it. And while you’re confronting it, it WILL bite the hell out of you.
“When does it stop biting and hurting you?”
When you find its truth. When you make the connections, see the entanglement. And in most cases, it lies in our weaknesses. The strong understand and confront truth while the weak lash their fangs and defend.
“Which one are you Melanie? You’re running from a future of work, you fear failure, being a loser, an embarrassment. Do you think somehow that fear can transform you into greed? Into becoming a snake yourself?”
I can’t say. Telling myself that it won’t, may just be denial. Adhering to any belief, narrows my perception in a way where I can’t see my own truth and if I can’t see my own truth, I’ll be bereft of self-compassion, bereft of compassion for others.
“A simple yes or no would’ve sufficed.”
I wanted to end this post long ago, nothing is ever simple for me.
It’s now about a week later. I woke up today and checked my email to find yet another person asking me for a job. I get a few a these emails a week, only this time it’s different. This time, he’s a young guy.
Not only is he a young male, but also cute (I found him on Facebook). Ironically his name just happens to be Adonis.
A young, attractive male therapist is a very hot commodity for any massage clinic. I called him and left him a message on his voicemail. I hope to hear back.
I have a long hefty list of To Do’s today and it’s already rolling into 4:30 and I still haven’t left the house. My one day off, the only day I can get things done – the only day I have to rest and recoup is spent editing a blog post that pretty much nobody will understand while carrying these damn buckets of To Do lists and hoping Adonis will call and rescue me.
The notebook I use to write down blog idea’s is overflowing. Nothing’s getting done, nothing’s getting written, nothing is escaping my brain to turn into pink permanent butterflies flittering on the inter-web never to be forgotten by me again.
I’m forgetting things, forgetting myself. Well, I’m forgetting everything except for that looming $4,000 I have to pay every month. Is hiring another employee really a good decision Mel? You’re not a damn accountant.